Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I wish was fucking dead. Wish one of you guys could just kill me already, it would be a noble cause. I would stop suffering and my family would stop having to deal with me. You would be making the world better if you could just get rid of me. I'm never going to learn how to be like the other people, I can't fill in any position.

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I'm tired of hiding. The more I hide, the more stressful my life becomes. Is life really worth hiding? I feel less than a person every day and more like an average psycho. I wish I hadn't gone to university this year but hopefully my parents won't be annoyed if I'll take a pause this year.

Learning to drive isn't so bad if you really take your time and find safe places to practice. Start off in a big empty parking lot, then work your way up to quiet side streets and then main roads and then the highway. It took me maybe a year and a half to be super comfortable driving anywhere and now I enjoy it but I used to be pretty terrified of the whole driving prospect. Never force yourself to drive somewhere you're not ready to drive yet. It's better to take your time than to try to force yourself into a nervous drive.

I'm having trouble getting started on a project. Last fall semester I had a breakdown when it became clear that a final project I had due wasn't going to be done on time. It was actually a pretty traumatic experience. I broke down because I don't have any real support system and I'm relying on FAFSA and workforce services funds for ex-foster children to help me with my college and living expenses. If I failed, I would lose funding and have nowhere to go. Since then, I've had an irrational fear of getting started on big projects out of fear that the experience of working on that project would completely break me. This obviously isn't doing me any favors -- I've had to get an incomplete in a class and the deadline I have for getting stuff in is fast approaching, and thinking about getting started makes me want to bang my head against the wall and almost brings me to tears. The fact that I know the consequences for not getting started doesn't help -- it feels like I'm being forced to stab myself in the stomach while a gun is pointed at my head.

This Prozac isn't half bad. I still feel anxious, but it feels manageable now. Still too early to tell but I'm being optimistic.

This is probably the worst I've been feeling this year. A few weeks after I got out of surgery I think I developed some kind of breathing problem (Most probably ashtma). Not only that I feel like complete shit. I started reaching out again to one person that I met years ago and that actually means a lot to me but she is starting to make me feel empty and depressed again. She didn't do anything to directly hurt me but she makes me feel miserable just by being there on my contacts list. The thought of her haunts me day and night because even thought years have passed since we last talked I STILL can't get over being in love with her. She's in a relationship right now of course that's why I'm even more miserable still. I'm a idiot, I should have never invited her back in my life. It was a mistake on my end. I thought I was over her but I was so fucking wrong. It saddens me to say this but I might have to cut her out of my life again. I always feel so chained and traped with her and I feel like I can never escape. I'm seriously thinking about writing a lenghty paragraph to her explaining why I'm unfriending her but I worry about sounding like a weirdo. She's a great person and I owe a lot to her but I just can't take it living with the thought of her anymore. Is taking a toll on my mental health and becoming increasingly more visible to other people that I'm not in a good shape at all. I don't want to bottle up these emotions anymore.

I think one of the things that I beat myself up the most about when I'm anxious is how I some times drag my friends into it. Like I'll ask them stupid questions that make me sound uptight due to anxiety. I feel like I'm portraying myself as pathetic to my friends. I feel so fucking stupid.

[QUOTE=Booker K;52200579]I don't miss high school. I sometimes even wish I wasn't forced into public school at the time. If I hadn't been so lazy and distracted at home, I would have remained home schooled and not be as emotionally scarred from the shit I went through. At least I'm enjoying college, because people there actually do their work and not start any drama. Can't wait to go back this Autumn.[/QUOTE] yup my high school live was a living hell since i was bullied, but in collage i can finally be myself and got tons of new friends, sometimes i just want to forget my high school years and pretend i never experience it

I can finally eat again. Sometimes I still do get nauseous if I'm not careful, and I can't eat nearly the same amount of food I used to be able to, but man what a fucking relief. I can't tell you how good it is to at least get back some normalcy. I missed food so goddamn much.

I don't know what happens but I think I'm broken inside. I'm tired of beign sad and say sorry for almost everything I do. I'm tired of university and crying, living with the fear I'll have to leave university.

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I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to people.

Yayy like usual I'm a dumbass that naively thinks good days exist. Today was going well until the opener came in. First thing out of her mouth is how the person that filled in my two days off frying 'spoiled' everyone by doing my job twice as fast, better, and then helped everyone out with the extra time. They want me to spoil them now. I feel like I'm completely incompetent now. An absolute failure. They get mad at me the longer I work here. It's now rather vicious. Some days I feel like it would improve everyone's lives if I just down oven cleaner and check out of life.

Why do I always cry after I meet my parents

Going into the city today. Pretty anxious about it to be honest. I always think some thing bad is going to happen when I go into crowded cities. I was twenty minutes away from the Orlando shooting when it happened, and even was at the same Disney Park at the same time the shooter was. I probably passed the monster on my way to the fucking tea cups. I still can't shake how eerie that is.

Kinda had an emotional breakdown today. Im just sick of feeling like im powerless. people ask me for advice, and i give it to them, but they dont listen and do the exact same thing repeatedly. It's like my voice doesnt work UNLESS i get super emotional about anything i need to seriously talk about. I can't get people to take me seriously at work, i have to repeat myself multiple times to my coworkers just to get a simple idea across to them. I can barely finish a sentence without customers cutting me off and talking over me. When people ask for advice, it seems like they just moreso want to vent what's getting to them and kinda shoot-the-shit for a bit. But when i try and be serious about my advice and others dont listen, and just completely disregard it, it makes me feel like my voice is useless, like i have no power. I've got a friend with a drug problem, and whilst he hasn't had any major relapses (opiates, meth) he's still been going crazy on other shit - last night i told him to NOT take any acid. What does he do? drop a tab. Later, he drops a second tab, repeatedly after i told him not to - then he went to go spark up a bowl of weed in my room, which is where i told him "if you spark that, i'm gonna have to walk you to the youth shelter, man. I cant handle dealing with this situation." Which i had to explain, multiple times throughout the night to him. I've tried helping him out and getting him to do the right thing, but he keeps falling in line with the sketchiest people and they just keep fucking things up for him. Last night i was at a friends place, same apartment, same hall(the first person i've met in town, coincidentally) when i get a text from my mum saying that he just dropped by. It seems like im just a support for him to go out and get more twacked up. My mum wants to move back, to my OLD OLD OLD OLD town, where my brother is still living. It'd be the healthiest choice for her, and while it is closer to family, i DONT want to move. I just want to settle down for atleast a year, call some place home. I just want to get to know a few people, maybe even meet someone. I just want to be able to have a friend over for the night. I cant remember how many houses i've been through, i cant remember how many towns i've lived in, I literally can not remember how many times in my life i've moved around - more then i can count. And for every single time, except for two moves(one there, one back), they were not my choice and i was forced to go with it. The time i DID move, it was to hope to go to college, to be able to potentially make a name for myself, to not feel like a complete worthless fuck up for once in my life. To show to my dad, hey, even though you may not have always been there and i may not have always reached out to you, you inspired me with your story and i want to do the best i can, even if it wouldn't make him proud it would be an accomplishment. A milestone. Something i could be proud of. What's crushing me the most though, is that i have almost no say in any situation in my life - it seems like everything else is being controlled by means out of my reach. I know what i need to do, to get from where i am to on my feet - but i just physically can not do it. Want to get settled down and call somewhere home for a year? too bad, you're moving in a few months even though you're looking for full time work. Want to go to college? Ha, nice try, you'll get shafted by the room mates and struggle to make ends meet even though you're working a shade under fulltime + working under the table for cash daily. Want to learn how to drive a car? Too bad ya got some sort of learning disability and cant learn from books and every one you reach out to just says to ask someone else/ask later. Lately i've been wondering if i'm autistic, lazy, or just outright mentally handicapped. I've struggled to count many times - Literally losing count of something while im counting it. I've had times in the day where im mid conversation with my mum, and just completely outright forget what we're talking about, and have to ask what we're talking about. I consistently struggle with making sure im doing everything right, like i can't remember what the process is and i always have to ask someone "hey is it like W,X,Y then Z? or is it Z,X,Y then W?" My paranoia is at an all-time high. When i'm home alone, blinds closed, door locked, i still worry consistently about stuff i see in the corner of my eye. Theres been times where i'm sitting here, in my room, and have been sitting with the door closed for the past 2 hours, only to think that someone is standing over my shoulder. It used to just be looking out the window every once in a while making sure that theres nothing crazy going on outside. Now, it's moreso, looking out the window, through the blinds, and trying to hide from people who wont see me regardless of if they wanted to or not. Every time i lock the door, i forget if i locked it, and have to walk back to my apartment and check if its locked. Every time i walk by the door, i have to make sure its locked, and also make sure its as locked as it can be. Every single time i go to work, i fear it's my last shift and they are about to fire me for reasons that i dont know about. It's the only thing on my mind any time im working any job. Im just so scared of authoritative figures - parents growing up, cops when im out and about, managers/boss at work, hell, even just people in a bad mood make me worried. I just wish i didnt feel like such a ignored, powerless, handicapped paranoid hypochondriac fool. I just want to be able to live my life and actually enjoy it for once. I'm just so sick of it all and i just want to give up and call it quits and just sleep forever. [editline]11th May 2017[/editline] Holy didn't think that much was typed up.

[QUOTE=MEOWTFLOL;52217309]Kinda had an emotional breakdown today. Im just sick of feeling like im powerless. people ask me for advice, and i give it to them, but they dont listen and do the exact same thing repeatedly. It's like my voice doesnt work UNLESS i get super emotional about anything i need to seriously talk about. I can't get people to take me seriously at work, i have to repeat myself multiple times to my coworkers just to get a simple idea across to them. I can barely finish a sentence without customers cutting me off and talking over me.[/QUOTE] I used to have this problem, like people would suddenly cut me off mid-conversation or start talking to others. I hate to tell you this but people most of the time won't care all that much for what you have to say. YOU most of the time will have to make them listen to you and I'm not talking in a way like a army general would demand to be heard. But you have to put yourself on the higher-ground and speak in a LOUD and CLEAR manner that draws attention and say the words you want to say in a way that shows confidence. Might seem like a obvious and cliche thing to say but it's true. Years ago I would always talk to people in a lower voice tone and in a way that would make them turn away from me. Almost as if I had nothing to say at all. Like someone once said: There are two kinds of people in a conversation, the ones that only wait their turn to talk and the ones that actually listen and get something out of it. Speak with confidence but also be mindful what other people have to say. Don't be like those people that cut you off mid-sentence or run over your words with theirs. It might seen like a new thing to you at first but you become a natural on it later.

I'm fairly certain I'm never gonna be happy anymore. Everything just seems so pointless nowadays not even sure if I should even go on anymore.

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;52218178]I'm fairly certain I'm never gonna be happy anymore. Everything just seems so pointless nowadays not even sure if I should even go on anymore.[/QUOTE] The secret to happiness is trying to find some in every day, no matter how bad, even if you believe there's nothing to find. Courage to live your life isn't about roaring your defiance at the world, but sometimes it can be that little voice in your head that tells you, "I will go on", even when you're at your most desperate. Life sucks. Life is unfair. All of us will go through a ton of bullshit at some point during our term on earth. Every one of us wants a smooth run through life, with few problems, at least none that wont slam into us overwhelmingly to the point we think we can't bear our suffering anymore. But when push comes to shove, and courage is your only option, that's what will show the world who you were in the end. All of us want happiness and success out of life but nothing worth having will ever come easy either. Our difficulties aren't meant to break us down, but for us to lift ourselves beyond them and become who we're meant to be. In the end, all of us, whether successful or unsuccessful in life, are only destined to wind up in the same 6 by 4 foot grave, or on the same 8 by 10 foot pyre. What matters is how you lived your life, not the results thereof, so buckle down and be the change yourself if you must, if nobody else will help you. Even if your dreams are never realized, do your best at whatever opens up in front of you. Even I may not be where I want to be yet, despite being a fully qualified doctor (and I had to beat heavy odds to earn this qualification myself!) but I know that as long as I work hard, and keep making a difference to the lives of others, I've done right by whoever I've met and interacted with in my life, such as it is. Be courageous, face the world, and keep trying until the bitter end.

But what if all you do is hurt people you hold close or care about?

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;52218209]But what if all you do is hurt people you hold close or care about?[/QUOTE] There will come a day when you realize that we're all flawed human beings. Sometimes we make mistakes that make us or those who care about us unhappy. That does not make you a bad person or worthless by any stretch of the imagination. All of us go through phases like this at one point or the other in our lives. If it's that important to you, list those mistakes that according to you are so bad, and then ask yourself, whether there are reasonable ways to deal with or correct them. If those 'mistakes' were pointed out by others in an effort to belittle or hurt you, then they aren't mistakes, just some dipshit trying to impose their views on you and gaining schadenfreude out of seeing you being belittled. You are you, and nothing in this world should change that for the worse. All of us can change if we try for the better, and we are answerable to nobody but ourselves. Remember this.

Finding good things in every day is hard, especially when it used to come naturally to you and you just kinda lost that ability. I try to force it every day, like it could be as small as the temperature of my coffee or the way the sun is shining through an overcast cloud. Its been super cold and rainy up here when it should be getting warm so that might be part of what's making it extra hard to uplift myself. I feel like while life is really awful and pointless, you have to make a point, putting in effort seems pointless because the bad outweighs the good. Life is worth living [I][B]because of those small moments you will experience joy I garuntee you all that there's going to be (even for a second) a moment of your lives where you look back and think "You know what? I feel OK." [/B][/I] I'm still waiting for the day/moment when I have my life sorted out and can look back and say "This struggle was worth it because I have a satisfying sense of accomplishment for making it through hell." Think of it this way: you guys aren't the trash that appears on The MAURY Show so your odds of making better lives for yourselves are immediatley much higher than theirs. [editline]12th May 2017[/editline] As I say that I just royally fucked up and my anxiety just wrecked me while I tried to leave a phone message to my driving school asking if today or next friday was my driving lesson. I stuttered and forgot my own phone number and mis-pronounced every word. I'm shaking. Phone calls make me anxious when they shouldn't. Calling the health insurance company was hard I had to have someone talk for me while I sat and listened. I didn't know what questions to ask or what the fuck to do.

Well I realized just moments ago that even if I did "fix" my depression everything else would still be so fucked that it would not matter at fucking all... I think i'm gonna finally "fix" the problem after work ends today.

Meds are helping. Feeling a lot better than I did 2months ago. Best I've felt in close to 6months. Lost 15kg's somehow.. :happy:

[QUOTE=Bradyns;52218507]Meds are helping. Feeling a lot better than I did 2months ago. Best I've felt in close to 6months. Lost 15kg's somehow.. :happy:[/QUOTE] Hellll yeah! I wish my metabolism was good. I have to work extra hard to maintain my shape and I can't eat junk or else my body is like "nuh uh, you have to eat vegetals forever, here is some weight"

It's been a 3 nearly 4 weeks now since me and my ex split. I've been getting a lot better but sometimes something triggers me to think about her and it's a mix of missing her and just getting plain angry I don't understand how some people are capable of 'loving' you for two years and then just throwing it away. I should have seen it sooner, I've just been taken advantage of for two years and it's infuriating. I want to message her so bad and rip her head off but I know it won't help aaaaa

[QUOTE=Bradyns;52218507]Meds are helping. Feeling a lot better than I did 2months ago. Best I've felt in close to 6months. Lost 15kg's somehow.. :happy:[/QUOTE] I'm happy things are getting better for you man.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;52128171]This is neither the time nor place for that shit.[/QUOTE] I don't see how that was a shitpost. It was on-topic, and I clearly didn't mean it. Surely, even if a truly on-the-verge suicidal person came across that, they would take the time to double-click the hidden text. Regardless, I shall edit the post. [editline]12th May 2017[/editline] I experienced those kinds of lows in my days too. It was that exact attitude of others that made me go on. Just saying. Maybe it's different for others. Mine was something out of the self-pity realm. Just remember: there are cool things out there that you probably have never experienced, seen, heard, etc., that are reason enough to keep living!