Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Bradyns;52218507]Meds are helping. Feeling a lot better than I did 2months ago. Best I've felt in close to 6months. Lost 15kg's somehow.. :happy:[/QUOTE] "15 kilograms = 33.0693393 pounds" Holy shit that's a lot to lose just like that.

I have to call the places I applied to and ask if I can schedule an interview but I'm just shaking and I feel weak and I don't know whats wrong with me. [I]Phone calls used to not be THIS bad.[/I] I feel like vomiting, why is it all of a sudden much harder to do normal things I used to do? Everyone at my gf's place expects me to get a job and I feel like I'm not contributing at all. I'm scared I wont get a job. I've helped chip in with groceries but I get scared interacting with them even though they don't really mind me. Her mother has probed questions from me asking why my family has kicked me out and I explain but everything is so fucking messed up, I can't help but feel no one will believe me despite knowing all of this is real and, honestly [B]its all been so unreal to me the bullshit I've gone through.[/B] I embarassed myself with one phone call and I'm trying to not let it ruin my ability to make other phone calls. I've found it hard to breathe lately just for no reason. I don't know what's wrong with me. [editline]12th May 2017[/editline] I relieved some of the anxiety by calling the grocery store I applied to that I wouldn't care if they didn't hire me, I wrote down what I wanted to say and broke it down into realistic pauses before calling just in case I had to leave a voicemail or talk to someone. Thankfully no one answered and it left me ringing for 5 minutes.

Been following trough for some time your posts IJNOMED and I'm really glad you came back to update us on your life. Don't give up! We be here cheering for you on the sidelines.

Gotta say the view of the sun going down is beatiful from up here. At least I chose a good day to see my final sundown.

[QUOTE=SoftHearted;52219287]Been following trough for some time your posts IJNOMED and I'm really glad you came back to update us on your life. Don't give up! We be here cheering for you on the sidelines.[/QUOTE] Thank you, I'm trying. :c maybe someday it will be good.

I was on the edge of the roof. I could have jumped but I did not for somethe reason. I got on a bus and headed home for some reason. And now its 5:26 in the morning and im still up in bed trying to think why I did not jump. What reason I still have that keeps me here in constant misery. And I cannot think of any. Maybe I have finally broken and gone insane? I don't know anymore.

So dad flipped his shit for some cotton swabs and looks like me and my brother are getting booted off the house for it. It's always my fault, apparently, according to dad. He even called me a junkie. He's dead to me now. [editline]fucking asshole piece of shit[/editline] Might not be relevant but what the fuck, i'm nervous as fuck now for me and my brother and i'm looking for a place to stay till i get more money. Let's see what happens when mom comes back. [editline]fucking asshole piece of shit2[/editline] My brother says he has never seen him this pissed before. [editline]fucking asshole piece of shit3[/editline] He seemed to be cooled off, maybe mom told him to get off his fucking high horse. I ain't talking to him to he apologizes, tho. I'm getting tired of his bullshit. I might still have to find a new room for me to rent anyway soon, this is the last thing I needed.

So I'm going to bake a cake for my mother on mother's day, even though she's abusive and manipulative. I don't know if I should hate myself for doing her a favor. I honestly love her, she's my mother after all. But at the same time I hate her for all the horrible shit to me that she did to my sisters and me. I'm so torn apart and don't know how to act anymore.

So I went to a regular doctor and got diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I never thought it would be that since the only symptoms I had of that are depression and fatigue. I hope the medicine for it has more of a result than the antidepressants.

My dad got extremely angry at me for not going to a car show with him and other stuff and flipped the fuck out and threw two of my lamps at the wall shattering both, and picked up my night stand and slammed it down on the ground with all his might. Then he grabbed the headboard of my bed and grabbed it so hard and yanked so hard that he snapped it. He also grabbed a picture frame from my nightstand and chucked it at the wall putting a 4 inch deep gash in it. Then he grabbed me after I was yelling for him to stop it, and said "Say stop it one more time" with his hand in a fist. I've spent the last hour and a half cleaning up broken glass and I'm really just shocked. My dad hasn't ever done this before, and has never abused me or anything like that, he just snapped because I didn't do anything today. I just came here to vent. He's never struck me out of blind rage before, he really isn't abusive. It's just he got extremely angry extremely fast, and started wrecking shit. It's not like I bought any of the stuff he broke, so does that mean he's technically alright? Please don't just say I need to talk to the police, because I can't do that. I mean I could, but I would sever everything, and I really don't want to do that. He didn't break anything very valuable, just two lamps, a picture frame, and the head board. Also I feel pretty sad, lonely, and helpless. I have nobody to talk to.

If anybody feels like talking right now, I'm currently on the discord: [url]https://discord.gg/rSSsj3s[/url] I kinda feel like I need some social interaction.

I'm off my anti depressants now, entirely. It's odd. I feel more in general, and I'm trying to come to terms with my current life situation and what I can do and want to do to improve it. I just had my first gig in about 2 years and I feel very lonely. Perhaps I should have been more inviting and tried to get a gal, but then... I dunno, it's just all bullhsit. It really is. It's just so lonely.

I know I shouldn't be posting on this forum any more and I know I have nothing to complain about because I'm suffering a debilitating illness, but there is something that effects me on a deep level. People keep saying be yourself, be yourself, but truth be told, I don't fit in anyway, I've tried hanging out with friends and other groups of friends, clubs, the other sort of clubs, doing activities, joining different online communities, I just never feel happy, there's no real place for me amongst other people, most of the time I'm just humouring them to keep them happy. People keep saying I'll just gravitate towards a group of people or activity, well I don't. I don't fit in with other people, I probably don't belong around other people. Is there a way to rewrite my personality to be more in line with the average, is there a drug I can ask about? Or should I just increase the zolosoft and hopefully that'll fix the problem?

I get a lot of anxiety right before my shifts at work and I think it's just because this is the first real job I've had where I'm in charge of other people. I'm just so worried about fucking up. It always passes when I start to work but I really need my brain to just calm the fuck down.

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I'm back at my place now. :toot:

[QUOTE=DepDirkson;52227180]I get a lot of anxiety right before my shifts at work and I think it's just because this is the first real job I've had where I'm in charge of other people. I'm just so worried about fucking up. It always passes when I start to work but I really need my brain to just calm the fuck down.[/QUOTE] Just go with the flow man, its natural to feel a bit anxious when you're put in charge of others and given more responsibility. Was the same for me when I started off in my first job during my probationer's period, and after they recognized how hard I worked and gave me more patients to see. At this level, it's rare to get this much responsibility and the recognition to go with it in the medical profession, but I got used to it as the days went on. It'll work the same for you, as you do your job better you'll get more responsibilities. If you find yourself stagnating find out what's holding you back, and improve on that.

is there even a name for times when you kinda just fall into extreme depression, more so than usual?

[QUOTE=mchapra;52236087]is there even a name for times when you kinda just fall into extreme depression, more so than usual?[/QUOTE] depression is classed on a scalar level, and there are multiple tests to do so. Officially we dont really have a term beyond mild, moderate, or severe/major depressive disorder for the three common levels of depression really. We have separate tests for a primary care level, a psychiatric level, and a research level, depending on who you happen to see about your depression.

Today I looked in the mirror and saw that I look like a diseased hairy 6.6 tall fatass landwhale. This is my fault and yet I dont care anymore. It's not like peole look at me or like me anyhow.

I'm thinking about quitting. I'm not feeling good at all

-snip-

Sometimes I feel so cloudy in my head I can't think straight and think everything will go wrong, and other times I'm perfectly functional. It's strange, and very annoying.

-snip-

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52241808]I get that feeling. It's difficult conversating with someone when I feel that way[/QUOTE] Exactly! when i talk to friends on steam it takes a lot of effort to keep myself interested in the conversation. i think a lot about my date on friday too, here's hoping it doesn't spill over or anything. really sucks

-snip-

first official date, and it's with a dude. history of it is a little complicated but he's a friend of mine who moved out of my uni town last semester in short. should be a good time, i'm just thinking too negatively about it right now. when things i get anxious about actually come around they tend to go fine, its just in the moment i feel bleh about all of it. and thanks, your kind words mean a lot. love you all <3

[QUOTE=Samson0722;52225158]My dad got extremely angry at me for not going to a car show with him and other stuff and flipped the fuck out and threw two of my lamps at the wall shattering both, and picked up my night stand and slammed it down on the ground with all his might. Then he grabbed the headboard of my bed and grabbed it so hard and yanked so hard that he snapped it. He also grabbed a picture frame from my nightstand and chucked it at the wall putting a 4 inch deep gash in it. Then he grabbed me after I was yelling for him to stop it, and said "Say stop it one more time" with his hand in a fist. I've spent the last hour and a half cleaning up broken glass and I'm really just shocked. My dad hasn't ever done this before, and has never abused me or anything like that, he just snapped because I didn't do anything today. I just came here to vent. He's never struck me out of blind rage before, he really isn't abusive. It's just he got extremely angry extremely fast, and started wrecking shit. It's not like I bought any of the stuff he broke, so does that mean he's technically alright? Please don't just say I need to talk to the police, because I can't do that. I mean I could, but I would sever everything, and I really don't want to do that. He didn't break anything very valuable, just two lamps, a picture frame, and the head board. Also I feel pretty sad, lonely, and helpless. I have nobody to talk to.[/QUOTE] no that's bullshit. your dad should never put hands on you, muchless wad his hand into a fist. probably won't be the last time imo. I'd start anticipating the worst. next time you'll feel obligated to go because he'll get mad, and that's bullshit. you shouldn't have to fear

i just want to kill myself because life doesn't feel like it's worth living anymore. first from being told i had autism (got told about this by my doctor a few months ago and no one even knew i had it in the first place.) and also from the depression i've been getting from out of nowhere. and finally from remembering i have no IRL friends. (and nothing really interests me enough to go make friends.)

I'm worried about my actual insanity right now. I'm having some insanity level thoughts right now, though of course none of them involve hurting myself or others. they just don't seem healthy 2 things Constant feelings of deja vu to the point where it actually causes jokingly thoughts of "can I predict the future?" sometimes. Like maybe once every 3 days I see something unique and then I remember seeing that unique thing before. The thing is that I also remember remembering that unique thing so it's like solidified. I looked up this condition and it looks like it might be tied to anxiety but no one knows for sure. Feeling of another higher power influencing what happens to you. It's like Karma. I do something bad, on the day it happens something bad but completely irrelevant to that thing happens to me within 24 hours. I then acknowledge that connection, then I do good, then good things happen to me.