Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I feel so numb and defeated. I just want to be happy again.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;52244061] Feeling of another higher power influencing what happens to you. It's like Karma. I do something bad, on the day it happens something bad but completely irrelevant to that thing happens to me within 24 hours. I then acknowledge that connection, then I do good, then good things happen to me.[/QUOTE] At times I think that I'm insane for believing in karma, but shit's just really coincidential sometimes. I get mad when nothing bad happens to people who have tormented me.

Oh trust me, bad things do happen to shitty people. It just takes longer in some cases and depending on what they do that usually gets delivered back to them in one single devastating blow.

[QUOTE=SoftHearted;52245077]Oh trust me, bad things do happen to shitty people. It just takes longer in some cases and depending on what they do that usually gets delivered back to them in one single devastating blow.[/QUOTE] I kinda hope so, because its just infuriating and unfair to see people who are physically abusive and mean winding up with perfect lives.

I want karma I've had my ex cheat/break up with me, my dog ded, my rib busted in the space of a month send help

today was a really fantastic day, my boss let me skip today's work so i decided to visit my parents, both of them embrace me with a big hug then i started to cry because seeing my parents still have so much love for me even though their son is one hell of a mess, and for a long time i have never felt so alive.

I can't help but feel like my goals and ambitions are decaying. I wanted to be a personal trainer, but that doesn't make me happy. I thought "oh I'm fit and I like helping people also get fit so I'll take a class or something and find a job" Canoeing makes me happy. I want to buy a canoe and a car and go roadtripping and just canoe random places, but I cant afford a car. I feel like nothing matters, I havent found a job. I don't know what to do. Everything feels pointless.

Welp, seems like my mental health finally caught up with me. Probably will be hospitalised tomorrow.

[QUOTE=PelPix123;52245759]does anyone else have irrational paranoia that people will find out you're lying about things that you aren't lying about? This just happened to me today: Mental illness: what the fuck is wrong with you, using the disabled parking spaces? People will find out you're not disabled. Me, born with cerebral palsy and with my own disability placard: ???[/QUOTE] It comes with not being believed. Like having relatives that refuse to aknowledge depression is a real thing made me feel guilty about being depressed, when I really was depressed they'd try to convince me I was not really depressed.

Happens to me a lot of the time. My disability is gastrointestinal so I get university accommodations for it. But even teachers have a hard time believing me when I say I need to leave or go home early. It sucks.

[QUOTE=PelPix123;52245759]does anyone else have irrational paranoia that people will find out you're lying about things that you aren't lying about? This just happened to me today: Mental illness: what the fuck is wrong with you, using the disabled parking spaces? People will find out you're not disabled. Me, born with cerebral palsy and with my own disability placard: ???[/QUOTE] not comparible but sometimes i think im pretending to be depressed and it always ends with me being worse than usual for weeks on end. sometimes i outright don't take medication and never get out of bed.

[QUOTE=SoftHearted;52245077]Oh trust me, bad things do happen to shitty people. It just takes longer in some cases and depending on what they do that usually gets delivered back to them in one single devastating blow.[/QUOTE] Yeah, sure.....if you live inside a fairy tale that is. So I guess if I become a sh*tty person because of reasons, I must get strike by a lighting at some point.

I think I want to die.

I fucked up. I fucked up and now I'm not sure how to get out of it without hurting somebody.

So I went to Texas, came back, and felt 100x better... then my band stabbed me in the back for a better friend of theirs to put on drums, they're getting somewhere after using me for the initial album release... the IRS tells me I owe them money from a year that they gave me back a return... one more hero of mine committed suicide... and now she tells me she doesn't know if she loves me anymore... It's like no matter what I do, everything comes crashing down again. I'm about done.

Always get a lot of anxiety when I'm home alone. My SO is here most of the time but she's been away the last 3 hours and I feel so much anxiety :( I always feel this way when I'm alone here. I crave social interactions but I'm too anxious to talk to anyone. Ends up with me bordering panic attacks until my SO gets back to keep me company. Any idea how to deal with this? I find it so scary to be alone because of how lonely I get.

Trying to spend your day after therapy can be really rough. I'm even more self aware of my shitty life and I feel like an open book with his guts spilling out.

[QUOTE=Paincake;52251782]Trying to spend your day after therapy can be really rough. I'm even more self aware of my shitty life and I feel like an open book with his guts spilling out.[/QUOTE] I'm terrified of seeing someone about my problems, but I know I'll probably end up having to... is it really that scary to do? I'm already aware that I'm fucked in the head on the wanting to die-end, but it still just terrifies me to think of opening up to some stranger so he can pump me full of pills to fix it.

[QUOTE=Robman8908;52251802]I'm terrified of seeing someone about my problems, but I know I'll probably end up having to... is it really that scary to do? I'm already aware that I'm fucked in the head on the wanting to die-end, but it still just terrifies me to think of opening up to some stranger so he can pump me full of pills to fix it.[/QUOTE] It can be intimidating to do when you start out, but once you start to know your therapist better and feel comfortable around them, and also allow them to get to know you, it makes the process a lot easier. I also went through a couple of different therapists until I found the one that was right for me. Therapists vary slightly in the way of how they deconstruct your problems. If there is a way your therapist is handling the conversation or talking about the problems you are dealing with in a manner you are not comfortable with, it's important you convey that to them, so they can adjust accordingly to your needs. Also if a therapist does want a psychiatrist to prescribe you some medicine, it should only be thought of as a way to relax yourself while you deal with the bigger problems in therapy. I've had friends just jump ship immediatly after getting Anti-depressants and it's sadly just not enough. Therapy isn't really a weekly thing where you drop in and the doctor just says, "Alright Billy, let's get to the bottom of your paranoia!" It's long commitment that you make to yourself, and as time goes by you start to realize you can tolerate stuff around you more. Part of the reason why I said what I said above was because I was caught completely off guard today in therapy. These past two weeks have been pretty great but I came in today and almost completely broke down. It's tough, but when I wake up the next day, it allows me to reflect on my emotions and how I can handle them in similar future situations. It's one of the hardest things you will do, and there will be days where you will go in filled with despair and leave not feeling that much better, but it is probably one of the most important things you can ever do for yourself. There hasn't been a day I regretted therapy.

-snip-

This was the tiniest thing but I feel like I could finally move on from this whole mess now...It's not much of a closure but it's good enough for me. One of my friends suggested trying and talking with an old friend that I stopped talking to over complex reasons...so I actually did try and go add them. And they added me! And then removed me after a few minutes. I know it seems really small and maybe disappointing, but I'm taking it as a final statement. Finally no more "what ifs" and "but maybes". It's a clear "no, it's over". And I'm really happy with that. :smile: I'm glad I tried. Now, on to the other 5 million issues I have anxiety over...but hey, at least that's one of them finally gone. :mysterysolved:

Yeah that's a pretty relatable feeling. The usual capitalistic routine that we're supposed to fall into once we're adults isn't as satisfying to our generation anymore. We see the effect it has on our parents and grandparents and how they've done really nothing but "settle" a lot of the time and we want to be more than just that. We want to find our purposes or find something that we love to do and be able to survive and thrive off of that instead of selling ourselves to a company we don't care about doing a job we don't love to make JUST ENOUGH money to scrape by. I know I'm not the only one who feels like that. Neither are you. But hopefully somewhere along the way, we can find our ability to be independent without having to sell ourselves out in the process.

Getting super anxious and sad from my feeling of inadequacy again. Being alone doesn't really help much either. 6 years on and I still struggle to get over my failings. It's just haunting me everyday.

Do you guys have any good ideas for hobbies / stuff to do that serves as an escape? I've always used gaming as that one thing before but the past few years I've grown less fond of them. I want an escape that is more creatively / intellectually satisfying. Something to progress with that is related to personal growth or something I can make and then proudly state "I made this" afterwards. I don't know what to do with my freetime anymore. All I know is gaming so whenever I'm all alone and I try to find something to do, I'll force myself to launch a game, play for a few minutes and then get frustrated by how mundane and meaningless they feel. What used to be a nice way to get thoughts away is now something that introduces more thoughts. I don't know of any alternative way to quieten my thoughts now that I don't like to play games anymore. I usually end up with a panic attack, calling my SO and getting her over to calm me down. Which sucks since somewhere inside of me, I want to have some 'me' time so I get the chance to explore what I like to do etc but the intense anxiety that comes with being alone is too strong. I don't have any ways of calming myself down when I'm alone so its a struggle. So do you guys know of anything fun and satisfying (either creatively or intellectually) things to do? Preferably something I can do whenever and wherever.

Wargaming can be quite rewarding. You might get to play only once a week or.maybe not at all sometimes but you can always sit back,relax and paint and build miniatures.discuss tactics or learn new stuff about the wargame you choose

I do sculpting. With clay, wire, wood, random shit I find lying around. Doesn't even have to be a cohesive representation or anything, just MAKING something helps release a lot of tension for me. It's pretty fun too. Wood carving is also a satisfying past time. Just drawing something into a piece of wood or printing a stencil or something and then carving a relief of it. It's kind of mindless but it's relaxing if you take your time. You don't have to be good at art to do either of those things. Just gotta play with materials. [editline]21st May 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Xenophobia;52256853]Thanks for the reply! Hearing this from someone other than myself is reassuring. I've not met many people who share the same or similar values and i keep second guessing myself a lot because of it. Still, i feel somewhat stuck in-between just having these values and actually acting in accord with them. I've been living in a depressed state for many years now, and I know everyone in this thread of all people knows what that shit does to your head. I know somewhat what I want to do with my life, but I lack the confidence in myself to actually do anything to reach my goals. I've been told that if I just started trying instead of procrastinating i would be surprised with the result, but somehow that feels like a major undertaking that would crush me. I'm rambling again as I always end up doing in this thread but the input I get from you guys, however small or big it may be, usually makes me feel a bit more motivated to do better for myself.[/QUOTE] What are you wanting to do, if I might ask? I didn't think I was gonna be a studio artist who enters shows until like. This past semester and I kinda just futzed my way through projects and just started entering stuff around me and I've already been in two smallish shows. Sometimes you just have to actually DO the thing. Remember that there's no timeline on learning. You go at your own pace.

[QUOTE=Xenophobia;52254775]Been off my meds for a week and I dont feel worse so thats good, but i feel like there is still so many things that fuck with my head that isn't depression. Anyone else feel like they don't belong/can't adapt to the society we live in? This sleep/eat/work/repeat mentality that surges trough the western society just feels like a huge scam, and every attempt I make to try to fit in just makes me feel shit in the end. I've been hired and fired multiple times, and all the jobs I had just felt like this soul sucking demon feeding off of my energy and lifespan. I just can't get this thought out of my head, that all the jobs that I'm qualified for with my education feels like some sort of modern slavery. This combined with the fact that when I tried to go to university, I just could not keep up, makes things just feel so much worse. I couldn't focus during lectures for the life of me, and I just ended up procrastinating the hell out of everything despite me really wanting to study. I hate these thoughts, they are what makes me, me, but it keeps me from feeling content with living a "normal" life. I would give away everything I own just so I could rewire my brain and have a fresh start far away from these shitty thoughts that just hold me back...[/QUOTE] I've felt this my entire life and have been perpetually confused about how others perceive "success" and struggled to understand why you'd ever want that the happiest I ever felt was when I was working at a fast food place barely making enough money to get by and then I got into the IT field and everyone's seemingly an alcoholic because we're all overworked and underpaid and I ended up leaving my last job after having a complete mental breakdown for the second time in the field 40 hours a week is excessive, it's barely enough time to actually get to enjoy life outside of work so you are forced to find something you feel complacent doing or you'll end up losing your mind it's very tempting to give up often and there's been multiple cases in which I just let myself run out of money in hopes that I could just drink myself to death or die somehow, but every now and then I end up finding a way to feel decent enough to go back to working just like everyone else does again it's a horrible cycle and I hate it but I guess the fact that it's the societal norm makes it hard to try to fight [editline]21st May 2017[/editline] to add to that, I, just like you, have always had extreme issues with focusing when required and slept entirely through most of high school but never went to college/university since in the IT field you don't really need a degree but rather certifications the only thing that ever really, truly helped this issue was being prescribed stimulants (because it is alarmingly easy to get them in the US) and now I'm struggling to want to even function properly without them because they made my life so great I guess none of this information really helps but I can let you know I feel you there [editline]21st May 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Pascall;52245910]Happens to me a lot of the time. My disability is gastrointestinal so I get university accommodations for it. But even teachers have a hard time believing me when I say I need to leave or go home early. It sucks.[/QUOTE] I'm not sure if you have a similar disability but my sister was in physical pain for [I]years[/I], missing tons of school, developed an eating disorder, and no one believed her until she ended up being diagnosed with Crohn's disease because she was in so much pain one day she couldn't move and went to a hospital I think it's just assumed that people are lying all the time if they say something that excuses them from an activity. it's annoying. GI issues are so brutal that I'm not sure why they don't seem to be viewed as as much of a problem as they are

[QUOTE=Xenophobia;52258417]I don't really have any grandiose dreams or anything, but I have some things I want to do, and i have a vague idea of how I want my life too look like. I want to go back and finish my studies in journalism and radio, and with that knowledge, create my own radio-show with the focus on something in the line of philosophy or/and society and its structures. Besides that, I just want a group of friends I can be myself with, a cozy apartment thats not too pricey, and enough free time to be able to travel and see the world. I think this is reasonable enough for me if I am able to get rid of my social anxiety and my incredible huge self-doubt. [/QUOTE] Hey that's totally a doable thing! It might take a little time, sure, but it sounds really interesting. School is rough sometimes but that's because people sometimes don't utilize, or even don't know about, all the tools that are offered to them in school. Writing labs, tutoring, study groups, etc. If you're struggling, it's worth looking into the things that school offers to try and help you out. Talk to advisors or your professors. If you have a medical diagnosis of depression or anxiety, ask your school if there's something they can do to help your classes be a little easier to manage. And in the meantime, play around with a podcast format! It's probably the closest thing to radio you can do before actually doing radio. And anyone can get their podcast on iTunes nowadays. It could be a fun experiment for you, even if it's only for you to hear and listen to. I'd encourage you to try again. Nothing is overnight and really, there isn't a lot out there that's [I]easy[/I] or simple, but I think with the right amount of encouragement and using what's available to you, even if you kind of stumble and fall through the pathway there, you can absolutely accomplish some really cool things. Maybe you won't even end up where you wanted to be, but you'll discover something else that you love instead. I started off wanting to be an art teacher until I realized that most school districts don't allow for appropriate accommodations for teachers with disabilities unless all they need is like a wheelchair ramp or something. So I had to drop that dream. But I realized that I do still love experimenting with art and working in the studio so I'm sticking with that, even if it's not what I started off wanting to do. It'll take some time to work yourself up to feeling confident enough to try again but I try to tell myself sometimes that nothing happens without the effort. So even if it's hard and even if I have to ALWAYS take breaks to de-stress and even if I have to see our campus therapist sometimes, I can still make it through. Might not be as fast as other people (I mean, I've been in college for 6 years now and I still haven't gotten my bachelor's degree) but hey, I'm doing things at my pace and at my speed. I hope that helps a little bit.

Is there any drug to give you... motivation isn't the right word, but, "doing power"? I know what I need to do to get my life on track, there are things that I want to do, things that I used to enjoy doing, that I just can't bring myself to do anymore. Every time I try it feels like I'm up to my armpits in mud, and it's so exhausting to move anywhere at all. Almost all of my life has been me making extensive, detailed to-do lists, and then not doing them.