Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

After I finished my last class for the semester, I felt a strange presence of dread or despair. I feel like I just wasted an entire year of my life with my thumb up my ass and depressing class rooms. Probably the highlight of this year will be when my best friend fucked me over to be with a girl he knew I was infatuated with and very much had a chance with. Fuck this year.

I had a nice boost of motivation yesterday to do stuff, and now I'm back to where I was before, laying around bored and overthinking stuff. I'm working on getting back into drawing again, and actually slowing down and having fun with it so I have something to do when I get bad. I just keep believing these irrational thoughts and giving them attention, I'm sick of it. Just need to soldier on, I guess.

[QUOTE=LordyLord;52275427]I had a nice boost of motivation yesterday to do stuff, and now I'm back to where I was before, laying around bored and overthinking stuff. I'm working on getting back into drawing again, and actually slowing down and having fun with it so I have something to do when I get bad. I just keep believing these irrational thoughts and giving them attention, I'm sick of it. Just need to soldier on, I guess.[/QUOTE] I'm in the same boat too. Just recently got back my drive to do some art. It's going okay so far, but I'm pretty rusty at it. Gonna try and do some proper study and practise while it lasts.

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[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52276183]it's so hard to talk to people when I'm depressed. If it's really bad I just can't fake being happy I'm unable to so I end up just being really quiet.[/QUOTE] Yeah, that part is same with me :/ I just had another nightmarish dream, last one was about a stupid nonsensical debt I got myself that grew every day that made me really anxious and it was real relief when I woke up. The new one was about my former best friend taunting me with having made the coolest new friend and doing everything with them. It felt horrible and I wanted to die even in the dream. Strange how some dreams make me actually feel things while with others I'm somehow aware it's a dream while still in it.

I think one of things that frustrates me, I don't know if it's Asperger syndrome or just they way things are now, is that I think too fast and end up replying too quickly. I've had a few posts now where I assumed someone said something that they didn't. Don't know if it's just because of how information comes so quickly that absorbing in said info just becomes blurred especially in the face of how much bullshit gets churned out now. I don't mean to make this into something very sociopolitical, but it feels like me or a lot of people in general are losing their ability to express something deeper then just "I think this is right" or "I think this is completely stupid" and it depresses me. Things aren't genuinely considered; either they are devoured or pushed out entirely. Or maybe I just am unable to express that nuance into something shorter and snapper - I don't know.

Sometimes I forget that being happy in a relationship doesn't mean that my depression is cured. It's still there kinda in the back of my brain and I fall into ruts because of it from time to time. I feel guilty because I don't want my boyfriend to think he's not doing me any good, because he definitely is. It's just that he isn't exactly medication. I have to remember that I'm still dealing with depression even if I am very happy with my boyfriend.

Taking a girl out on a date tomorrow, and when I set it up last week, I was in a really positive state of mind. But the past 3 days, I've been having a slump, and I just wanna cancel it and sit in my pyjamas all day watching movies and tv shows. But I promised myself that I'd force myself to keep up with my routines and plans, so I'm gonna go ahead with it anyways and hope spending time with her perks my mood up and I go back to being my usual self. It feels like progress, because this time last month, I'd just cancel the plans with some fake excuse and deal with them being frustrated at me. Typing it out also helps me stick to my guns. Sunny weather as well will pick me up, so fingers crossed.

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Went to therapy today to find out that my therapist had a medical related injury. Really hope she's okay, I didn't even get a text or email about it from her.

[QUOTE=loopoo;52277861]Taking a girl out on a date tomorrow, and when I set it up last week, I was in a really positive state of mind. But the past 3 days, I've been having a slump, and I just wanna cancel it and sit in my pyjamas all day watching movies and tv shows. But I promised myself that I'd force myself to keep up with my routines and plans, so I'm gonna go ahead with it anyways and [B]hope spending time with her perks my mood up and I go back to being my usual self[/B]. It feels like progress, because this time last month, I'd just cancel the plans with some fake excuse and deal with them being frustrated at me. Typing it out also helps me stick to my guns. Sunny weather as well will pick me up, so fingers crossed.[/QUOTE] Every single time I have ever had a social obligation with a friend or loved one in which I [I]really[/I] did not want to go, I always just thought I was better off alone. But each time that they insisted I did go, once I went, I had a great time. I think a simple way to put it is that it is almost always better to feel badly with another person than to just feel badly whilst alone. Others usually perk me up even when I am certain they won't.

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The very fact that people laugh at [URL=https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1562245&p=52168732]this[/URL] makes me lose hope. It seems that people on Facepunch don't care about those with psychological issues and the families of the victims

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52279459]In my opinion if you don't want to go anywhere because you're feeling depressed or whatever it's important to push yourself to go even though you don't want to. You could end up having a good time and feeling better[/QUOTE] My advice is that if you don't feel like going because you're too depressed, talk to someone close to you, a family member or something. Just complain about feeling so meh and that you don't wanna go to this thing, but ask them if they think it'd be good for you and then listen to them - it's impossible to make these judgements on your own when you're depressed.

The one day I try to call in to work which I never do is the one day there's apparently no one available to fill in. I hope everyone is ready to get sick again. The same thing happened last time I had to force myself go to work and instead of missing me for one or two days, they ended up missing 5 other guys for a whole week because I spread it somehow. I hate not being able to take a sick day when I need to.

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My feelings are dragging me down so hard. I can't detach myself from a person I know things probably won't work out with. The problem is that the person is the only girl in my life that I ever felt close to and I have nobody else to feel attracted and also attached to. I'm a very sociable person and make new friends quite easily, but nobody else compares. It seems like my life is centered around the things I don't have and I can't convince myself to stop wanting what I can't have. [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BGw51bhu5s"]I find this song very relatable at the moment.[/URL] [QUOTE=Crpto2007;52282116]sometimes I think I should just be alone forever.[/QUOTE] Why? Issues with friends or is it something else? What exactly's going on?

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[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52282254]Nah everything's cool. I just feel like I'm not good enough. I have to many problems and will only just drag people down[/QUOTE] That's not true, most people who are close to you will listen to your problems, even if you have a lot of them. You can only drag down people if you let them know all your problems at once, that might fatigue them. Listen back and you will be listened to.

Today ended up not happening cause she was having real bad cramps from her period, so we rescheduled and are meeting up on Monday instead. Worked out well either way, I got showered, shaved and had my morning shit, then went out, got coffee, and chilled in the sun for a bit listening to an audiobook. Then I came home and played with some uni friends on the PC.

I think about death everyday. Only thing that keeps me back is that I don't want to appear on the news letting everyone who knew me know that I'm gone. In a year I lost pretty much everything that made me happy and turned me into this miserable person I despise. I had some hope back in January but it seems I'm actually not able to recover from this hell.

I had an okay day today, compared to the last couple of days. My dad is getting slightly better too, so that's a big relief. I just hope it keeps up.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52281159]The one day I try to call in to work which I never do is the one day there's apparently no one available to fill in. I hope everyone is ready to get sick again. The same thing happened last time I had to force myself go to work and instead of missing me for one or two days, they ended up missing 5 other guys for a whole week because I spread it somehow. I hate not being able to take a sick day when I need to.[/QUOTE] Ended up working out in 105 degree weather for like 3 hours. I think I sweated out my illness. Or some of it. My head definitely doesn't hurt as bad as it did yesterday. Small plus I guess.

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Just had a conversation with my boyfriend in which he felt like I was saying he'd been forcing me to enjoy physical contact or sexual experiences when really that's not the case at all. But at the same time my brain has been telling me that BECAUSE he's not getting the same amount of physical interaction or stuff like that that he MUST be disappointed because isn't that what "normal" people do and I guess that makes him feel like I'm still placing blame on him when really I'm trying to place the blame on my own stupid idiot brain. I don't know. I feel guilty for being this way; for thinking this way. The fact that he has an engagement ring already is another slap in the face from my guilt. Like I'm not living up to these expectations. Like I'm being unfair. I don't really know what to do about it.

After a long winded fight with him now I have a text from my boss saying that I got complaints from the hotel that I was working at on Friday, probably because I brought my boyfriend to work to help me and he was overly and unprofessionally touchy and clingy the whole time despite me telling him to stop because I knew that that's exactly what was gonna happen. Someone, somewhere was gonna say something. I'm so stressed out. I've agreed that I have to sort of compromise and spend time with him on his terms sometimes just like he spends time with me on my terms but this past few days has been so shitty. I just don't wanna be a huge disappointment when I'm not super fun and happy.

A bit of an update: I got a job at this really fancy INN and resteraunt in buttfuck nowhere MASS. I've never waitressed before, but I was on my own for the first time after three days of training and did excellent. Basically, right now my life is bittersweet as usual but I'm content that I'm not dead yet and making progress. Pros: I have a job, I have one last road test before I get my driver's license, I'll have a crappy little car but hey, a car is a car. I saved up 5 thousand dollars and I don't owe anyone any money (no debts at all) so this is good. >My ex best friend posted something on instagram and I got sweet sweet karma just by viewing it. Now, [I]I am against bodyshaming but this girl used to be super thin and she screamed at me calling me a fat ugly dyke a lot and the tables have turned[/I], I'm trim and healthy and learned how to style my own hair properly, and she gained 20 pounds, her hair thinned and she looks like she's using heavy drugs. All within half a year, and her boyfriend is twice the humoungous size that he was and has a full on giant neckbeard and beady eyes. They bought a little brown boston terrier and its weird because I remember her saying she wanted to get one with me. I immediatley stopped feeling good about karma and mentally stopped myself from being a smug ass about it for longer than a few minutes because that's just wrong to be a smug ass. I felt "entitled" to being a little happy about her misfortune and the irony, especially after she was beaming with happiness after abusing me. Seriously she always shouted at me saying "KILL YOURSELF! YOU FAT UGLY DYKE!" Yet here I am, lean as fuck because dedication, and she's gone off and gained 20 pounds. [editline]28th May 2017[/editline] Karma happens, Like I was immensley doubtful. "If you're lucky, you'll get to watch."

I often feel like all the bad shit that's currently happening with me is just karma with interest that is paying itself in full.

I feel like just shutting myself out from the rest of the world because I feel like everyone hates me for dragging them down.

Welp I done got myself banned from the hotel I was doing painting work at all because I ate some food in front of guests. Whatever. They're a buncha stuck up snooty doofuses anyway.