Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Trying to restart my sleeping schedule now that I'm beginning to feel better. I used to sleep [b]alot[/b] as a coping strategy and it more or less worked Any tips? I feel like I'm going to die

[QUOTE=Pascall;52286046]Welp I done got myself banned from the hotel I was doing painting work at all because I ate some food in front of guests. Whatever. They're a buncha stuck up snooty doofuses anyway.[/QUOTE] That hotel sounds awful. You're better off without their shittiness. [QUOTE=Citrus705;52286164]Trying to restart my sleeping schedule now that I'm beginning to feel better. I used to sleep [b]alot[/b] as a coping strategy and it more or less worked Any tips? I feel like I'm going to die[/QUOTE] Do it peacemeal. Trying to sort your sleep routine out in one day is really tough, and even if you manage the 24 hours to fall asleep at a decent time, you can end up waking up at 3am in the morning wide awake cause of your circadian rhythm, or straight up sleeping til 1pm the following day. I've had times where I go to bed at 8pm after staying up for 24 hours, and either of those situations happen: I wake up in the middle of the night wide awake, or I sleep like a rock til 1pm and am still in a fucked routine. Over the course of 3 or 4 days, slowly edge the time you sleep to a later time, and the time you wake up to an earlier time. Then you'll be going to bed at 9pm and waking up 7am without feeling tired all the time or reverting right back to your messed up sleep routine. It's always bugged me how easy it is to break and maintain a sleep routine, yet it's so difficult to stay in a decent sleep routine.

AND I JUST broke up with my boyfriend because after some arguments we realized we're just in different places. TODAY SUCKED but I'll live.

visited my grandpa's grave, who died in 1976. what really hurt me the most was watching my grandma stare at the grave that had her name next to him. it's weird, it hurts, and it's definitely sad.

'U weren't online when i sent u this message but ... U feel like one of the few people that understand so i wanna let u know im planning on dying sooner or later and before i do i MIGHT do crazy stupid stuff in real life and that we had good conversation for the past few days dont worry tho u dont know me in real life. Were just people talking thru messages anyways ... Thats just what i wanted to tell u. Maybe this is a goodbye, friend' I just got this message on Playstation Network after knowing this person for about a week. Do I call the police? This is coming after a message a day earlier from me when I told him stop talking to me about negative stuff. Our conversations had been about that for the whole time I have known him, along with him always wanting to be a villain in a lot of fantasy scenarios, and I didn't feel like it that one time. He says he's 14.

[QUOTE=ToumaniSquirrel;52286522]'U weren't online when i sent u this message but ... U feel like one of the few people that understand so i wanna let u know im planning on dying sooner or later and before i do i MIGHT do crazy stupid stuff in real life and that we had good conversation for the past few days dont worry tho u dont know me in real life. Were just people talking thru messages anyways ... Thats just what i wanted to tell u. Maybe this is a goodbye, friend' I just got this message on Playstation Network after knowing this person for about a week. Do I call the police? This is coming after a message a day earlier from me when I told him stop talking to me about negative stuff. Our conversations had been about that for the whole time I have known him, along with him always wanting to be a villain in a lot of fantasy scenarios, and I didn't feel like it that one time. He says he's 14.[/QUOTE] Best to just put him on ignore. He obviously doesn't know what he's doing or talking about. He's a kid, so he'll learn :v:

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I've just been having panic attacks for the past 5 days. Kinda just feel like everything is falling apart

[QUOTE=ToumaniSquirrel;52286522]'U weren't online when i sent u this message but ... U feel like one of the few people that understand so i wanna let u know im planning on dying sooner or later and before i do i MIGHT do crazy stupid stuff in real life and that we had good conversation for the past few days dont worry tho u dont know me in real life. Were just people talking thru messages anyways ... Thats just what i wanted to tell u. Maybe this is a goodbye, friend' I just got this message on Playstation Network after knowing this person for about a week. Do I call the police? This is coming after a message a day earlier from me when I told him stop talking to me about negative stuff. Our conversations had been about that for the whole time I have known him, along with him always wanting to be a villain in a lot of fantasy scenarios, and I didn't feel like it that one time. He says he's 14.[/QUOTE] I'd report him to police just to have a guilt-free conscience. Worst case, the kid's telling the truth and gets busted. Otherwise he learns a valuable lesson.

Went to bed last night and stayed up for a bit just sobbing. I feel so alone even though I have plenty of friends and a caring family, what's wrong with me?

I've been pretty bored recently so I've taken to adding people around on facepunch on steam that seem cool so i have people to talk to, and dont drive myself crazy. Seems a little random and artificial i guess, is it weird that im doing this? i dont want to feel like im bothering people or using them to just not "feel bored" edit: I guess this springs up cuz I added someone somewhat recently and it just felt like I was bugging them all the time so I removed them when I was in a little anxious spin. Just felt off in general.

I've been hiding in my room 24/7 with the exception of work due to uninvited guests. It's been three goddamn days. When will they fucking go away? I just want to eat and go outside god fucking dammit. And I'm sitting here waiting to hear from the other side of the door somebody talking about how the bathroom is messy, or maybe one of them peeked into my room while I was gone and saw that it was a mess. It hasn't happened yet, but I know it will. It's like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any harm. Please just leave me be. And most of all, I just want to fucking eat or drink something.

Weed truly does help it's insane how well it works, I could just smoke once or twice a week instead of taking a med once a day.

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I had my first huge legit panic attack when I smoked too much weed. Now I'm pretty much fully against trying it again for myself, at least until stuff in my life simmers down and I try just a little bit. The stuff I had messed with my head too much.

From what I can gather certain strains are more likely to induce specific symptoms, I use a strain with a low level of paranoia (no idea how they measure that) and I never experienced that.

Recently got put on SSRIs and Benzos- looked up what the benzos do, decided not to take them and instead just took the SSRIs. +mood 50

Just getting it off me but dysphoria has been kicking my ass lately and enjoys reminding me how lonely i am but i wont give up not yet

[QUOTE=TheDestroyerOfall;52288991]Recently got put on SSRIs and Benzos- looked up what the benzos do, decided not to take them and instead just took the SSRIs. +mood 50[/QUOTE] Jeez, I took some Xanax a doc prescribed me after I got super anxious and it fucked with me sooo bad and made everything worse. It's what led me to choose the hospital, I got Ativan instead which fucked with my head less so now it's mostly smooth sailing for me. Only issue with my meds now is I get drowsy from the abilify I'm taking which is annoying, especially when I'm sitting around doing nothing which is basically every uni lecture ever so I just wanna sleep :v

[QUOTE=LordyLord;52289007]Jeez, I took some Xanax a doc prescribed me after I got super anxious and it fucked with me sooo bad and made everything worse. It's what led me to choose the hospital, I got Ativan instead which fucked with my head less so now it's mostly smooth sailing for me. Only issue with my meds now is I get drowsy from the abilify I'm taking which is annoying, especially when I'm sitting around doing nothing which is basically every uni lecture ever so I just wanna sleep :v[/QUOTE] I was on abilify for a long long while. i got a fitbit and regularly found out my heart rate was jumping from 80-150 daily without much effort. My doctor in response put me on propolanol and that extremely helped my anxiety from the abilify. heart rate dropped from that to 50-100 daily and they ended up switching me off abilify long term. check your heart rate if you can or get a fitbit. they really help. They attempted to put me on clonazepam and apparently itll make you feel better, but get you hooked within 10-12 days. i have a family history of drug abuse so i was like no thanks.

I miss the old days. 2004 - 2010. I miss being a teenager. I miss the highschool girlfriends, the gaming communities, myspace, msn messenger I miss it all. I wasn't popular or anything, but I had a good time. I feel like the internet was just better back then. I miss the old Youtube layouts. I miss the old Steam layout. I miss the old communities and games. Playing Half-life 2 and getting super syked over it. Playing Garry's Mod and just seeing the different gamemodes. I just don't fit in anywhere gaming-wise anymore.

So I found out one of the drugs prescribed to me for anxiety has the side effect of total detachment/depersonalization. At least I found out what was causing me to just drift through the last couple of months. It got awkward in group discussions when I couldn't even follow along or make conversation. I basically was a zombie during therapy for the last couple of months. You'd think going off the drug would be better but instead while the issues above did vanish my mind just raced and raced and I couldn't sleep. My life is peachy. Hey! I registered for summer quarter at college so that's going well.

I had a bit of a nervous breakdown last night, felt really worthless, alone, and suicidal, and one of my friends reached out to talk to me and ask what was wrong, I talked to them about my problems and vented, and they genuinely tried to help me the best they could and gave whatever advice they could. Yet for some fucking reason I still truly feel that nobody gives a shit about me, nobody cares about me, and none of my friends actually like me, and when I'm met with blatant evidence to the contrary my brain just doesn't even process it, and I don't feel anything whatsoever. I'm just numb about it, and it sucks. Fuck depression.

[QUOTE=Suff;52289602]I miss the old days. 2004 - 2010. I miss being a teenager. I miss the highschool girlfriends, the gaming communities, myspace, msn messenger I miss it all. I wasn't popular or anything, but I had a good time. I feel like the internet was just better back then. I miss the old Youtube layouts. I miss the old Steam layout. I miss the old communities and games. Playing Half-life 2 and getting super syked over it. Playing Garry's Mod and just seeing the different gamemodes. I just don't fit in anywhere gaming-wise anymore.[/QUOTE] No other games which make you the same excited?

I don't understand my emotional state sometimes. I have this best friend who has tried to help me through my depression for so long. Every time she says something to try to help, my brain translates it into something accusatory. She likes to deconstruct my feelings you see, and at my worst I interpret it as her trying to make my feelings invalid. It's like I'm getting upset that she's telling me that it makes no sense to feel the way I do, and that for some reason I'm looking for validation instead of help. I can't get out of that mindset; it's happened multiple times where she tries to help and I just get upset at her. It frustrates her and I'm afraid that I'm ruining our friendship because of it. At the same time though, there are times where I just want to vent and she's there essentially saying that I have a bad attitude and it genuinely seems like my emotions don't matter and it hurts when I hear that "I'm in control of my emotions and it's ultimately up to me to decide how I feel" when, at that moment, it feels so, so untrue... I don't know how to deal with myself here. Do I have to swallow my pride, or is it something else?

Normally not the type to come vent on this space, but at least I have some familiarity with yall after years of lurking. I guess my main issue lately is a lack of hope. The world feels like it's going in such a dark direction and i feel so helpless. I can't focus on my school, I'm miserable at work, last girl I asked out went and called me creepy to people behind my back and the ones before that all ghosted on me, never know what I'm doing wrong, I'm just not good at talking to people when it comes to that because of a long and shitty relationship history. On top of all that an old friend from school just committed suicide. Nobody told me growing up would be this hard, can I get a refund?

[QUOTE=Lunik;52290334]I don't understand my emotional state sometimes. I have this best friend who has tried to help me through my depression for so long. Every time she says something to try to help, my brain translates it into something accusatory. She likes to deconstruct my feelings you see, and at my worst I interpret it as her trying to make my feelings invalid. It's like I'm getting upset that she's telling me that it makes no sense to feel the way I do, and that for some reason I'm looking for validation instead of help. I can't get out of that mindset; it's happened multiple times where she tries to help and I just get upset at her. It frustrates her and I'm afraid that I'm ruining our friendship because of it. At the same time though, there are times where I just want to vent and she's there essentially saying that I have a bad attitude and it genuinely seems like my emotions don't matter and it hurts when I hear that "I'm in control of my emotions and it's ultimately up to me to decide how I feel" when, at that moment, it feels so, so untrue... I don't know how to deal with myself here. Do I have to swallow my pride, or is it something else?[/QUOTE] Life is full of problems, that's a given for all of us. Venting is healthy, but you can't vent forever, especially if people are starting to get uncomfortable. We all want our struggles validated, we want to be the guy who fell over the waterfall and lived to tell his tale, but you have to understand that everybody has limited patience to listen to others' problems, especially when it seems like you've been talking about them for quite some time. Thing is though, you're not the first guy who's gone through a shitty situation, but there it is. You say it's not possible to drag yourself out of this mindset, but you have to keep trying to not look at your situation so negatively. Or for that matter, compare it to others who seemingly have it better off, especially if said comparison makes you want to resent them for being better off than you are. Catch is, you don't know what they went through to get to that position. Everybody sees the outside, and assumes that what's inside was just the same, even though they don't know jack about the other guy's struggles or misfortunes. I too have suffered plenty of unexpected reverses, misfortunes, and disappointments. I'm nowhere near where I want to be at this level, despite having graduated medical school and worked hard in a hospital for 3 years after graduation, getting very good recommendations in the process. Before this, I was trapped in my own personal hell for years and years. I'm not satisfied with who I am and think about what I could still become, but I've gone this far despite the adversities I've endured. I turn 27 in a little over a week's time, but there are days when I feel a lot older than my 27 years as well. I would honestly recommend you take a good hard look at yourself, realize that it's up to you to make a change in your attitude from here on out even if you think you can't, and as you said, learn to swallow your pride. Validation of your shitty situation, whatever it is, while it can be balm for a sufferer to listen to, will ultimately get you as an individual nowhere if that's all you want to hear. Try to understand she just wants what's best for you, especially considering how much she's done for you. An alternative to venting to others would be to instead write down what troubles you, while being honest with yourself. Then read what you wrote down and see how much of it is a matter of perception rather than an actual slight or a problem. I've done this a few times when I've felt badly disappointed, and while it doesn't do much for the pain, it helps you understand that sometimes things are going to be out of your hands. It's how life is, no matter how much we try to think we're in control of everything. All you can do is learn to go with the flow. Yes, it sucks to have things you want taken away from you, or something you hoped to come to pass not happening, but that's life kiddo. All you have in the end are your actions, not the results thereof, so don't think about what you'll get, but just leave it to chance, or God, take your pick, while doing your best. That way, disappointment is easier to bear.

Eh, I can't say I entirely agree. From "I'm in control of my emotions and it's ultimately up to me to decide how I feel," it sounds to me like they're being given that same "just cheer up" bit of advice that every depressed person has gotten and has helped precisely nobody ever. I think if you're at the bottom of a chasm and people just tell you it's a ditch, you'll never be able to understand why you can't climb out.

How can I get to a psychiatrist, I'm starting to feel even more isolated and rejected. I really want to fucking hurt people.

[QUOTE=Episode;52291271]How can I get to a psychiatrist, I'm starting to feel even more isolated and rejected. I really want to fucking hurt people.[/QUOTE] Look up the closest psychiatrist possible, then fix up an appointment immediately. Acting on these thoughts will worsen whatever you're going through at best and totally ruin your life once and for all at worst. Yes, seeking mental help has some stigmas in today's world, but you have to move past those. Also call an anonymous helpline as soon as possible. In addition, find somebody who'll try to be sympathetic towards your state of mind and talk to them, to help build up your courage. Even mental health professionals must adhere by strict limits - if you dont want to use drugs, you can tell them so. They cannot detain you, or force any treatment on you if you do not want it, excepting only cases where you might prove to cause imminent harm to yourself or others.