Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

being a hermit fucking sucks can't remember the last time i actually went out

I'm working this low paying sidejob at a dirt-mill. They hired me on to watch the plant, (make sure it doesn't jam up), but they have me do other things. The Driver for the company, told me to grab two waterhoses and connect them so we could spray out the trailer. I found one waterhose, connected it to the faucet; but the other one was destroyed, so I grabbed a hose that went to the power-washer to see if it would fit. As I was carrying it over, he just began yelling at me as he came my way, "NOT THE PRESSURE WASHER HOSE: I WANT THE FUCKING WATERHOSE. THE FUCKING WATERHOSE IS WHAT I WANT." He went for the destroyed hose, noticed it was unuseable, I told him I couldn't find another one. He went back to his truck, didn't say anything else to me like he was pissed off at me or something. I'm not getting it. I did what he asked me to do, but the shit just got my anxiety way high. I was holding back tears, just due to the anxiety. just get tired of being treated like this. I mean if there was something else you wanted me to do, tell me, but screaming at me like that is bullshit, especially for $200 bucks a week. can't wait until I start at Amazon. they say you just work and don't talk to people there.

is borderline common? rate informative if borderline just wanna know gauge whether I'm likely to meet others

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52303179]If you can't ignore it without it building up then you need to take the situation head on. For myself I can usually waft of nearly everything but sometimes you do need a man to man conversation[/QUOTE] I don't know how exactly how to address it which is a huge concern. I didn't do a chore because I was preoccupied with other things and my father gave me a pep talk saying that he knows that I'm "different". I then challenged him on it by simply and calmly asking what he meant, said that I was immature for my age and I asked him to elaborate, again carefully, and he immediately backed down. That's pretty fucked up to say to your child regardless of your intentions. He said something similar before quite a while before it but I didn't challenge him. There's a lot of psychological battles in our household. Everyone thinks they understand the other person but they don't and it causes conflict like this.

Tell him how you truly feel then. Like be brutally honest and he might realize that his 'opinion' doesn't matter in the whole scheme of things Such as telling him how he makes you feel, what you are going through, you need support not putting down, etc...

I feel like no matter how much I try and no matter what happens, I'll most likely end up killing myself. I really think that some lives can't be change and is rigged that way. The odds are never on my side. I have unsure reasons to live, and I can't live for myself because me, everyone and everything has proven time and time again that I am hopeless and is naturally dysfunctional and can't be repaired. I've been thinking, should I: 1. Kill myself now, saving my parents and friends disappointment from if I become a failure later on in life, saving my parents money, time, and all that, or 2. Kill myself like 5 or 6 years from now, when I'll most likely become a failure, jobless, homeless, bankrupt person, disappointment in everybody's eyes, all that after wasting money and time. But hey ''at least I tried'', right? Even when right now I'm having a holiday off with no school or work, I'm still feeling suicidal, It'll be even worse when college starts. I don't know anymore. I am really really excited, curious, and looking forward to my death. It'll be the best thing that'll ever happen to me. I won't have to deal with stressful situations, unlikable people, and most importantly, I won't have any of my untreatable mental disorders, that means ADHD, Depression, stress, OCD, anxiety, inferiority complex, autism, is something I won't have to worry about anymore. I'll go into a much needed eternal sleep.

Oof, I'm freaking myself out a little. I just feel pretty lost in my life right now and my thoughts are racing pretty badly. Feel like I'm about to lose it.

-snip-

Ever have that feeling that anyone can get away with anything, but someone has to come by and slap your hands whenever you even think of doing something?

Aaaand now I'm fine and even feel motivated to do stuff. What the fuck ever, brain.

When you're suicidally depressed and fantasize your own death on an hourly basis and want nothing more than to see a therapist but your parents say they can't take you because they need to renew their healthcare which is a process that can apparently take anywhere from 3 months to 5 years. how fucking convenient :suicide:

[QUOTE=roman117;52309734]When you're suicidally depressed and fantasize your own death on an hourly basis and want nothing more than to see a therapist but your parents say they can't take you because they need to renew their healthcare which is a process that can apparently take anywhere from 3 months to 5 years. how fucking convenient :suicide:[/QUOTE] Are your parents in poverty? Some therapists offer something called a sliding scale system. Basically the less you make the less you pay. Your school should also have a councilor on staff. I'd just casually mention thinking about going to the hospital to your folks. Watch their reaction because a hospital bill is much more expensive then a $30-$150 therapist bill.

I wish I didn't have people that rely on me, so I could just fucking die without leaving them hanging.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52309914]Are your parents in poverty? Some therapists offer something called a sliding scale system. Basically the less you make the less you pay. Your school should also have a councilor on staff. I'd just casually mention thinking about going to the hospital to your folks. Watch their reaction because a hospital bill is much more expensive then a $30-$150 therapist bill.[/QUOTE] We're far from poverty, but they still say they can't afford anything without healthcare. I'm homeschooled, so no counselors for me. Also, I'll try that, thanks :v:

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;52306940]I don't know how exactly how to address it which is a huge concern. I didn't do a chore because I was preoccupied with other things and my father gave me a pep talk saying that he knows that I'm "different". I then challenged him on it by simply and calmly asking what he meant, said that I was immature for my age and I asked him to elaborate, again carefully, and he immediately backed down. That's pretty fucked up to say to your child regardless of your intentions. He said something similar before quite a while before it but I didn't challenge him. There's a lot of psychological battles in our household. Everyone thinks they understand the other person but they don't and it causes conflict like this.[/QUOTE] Not to kick you whilst you're down, but you don't really have a leg to stand on in this situation? You were assigned a chore and didn't do it, turning that around into pointing fingers at your dad and telling him you don't like how he calls you immature is going to basically prove his point of you being immature. You should own up to it, preoccupied or not, you had a responsibility and you didn't undertake it. I've been told by my parents during lots of arguments that I'm immature, it's what parents do. Aye, it pisses me off, especially when they're wrong, but a lot of the times they're right and I have been acting immature, which is easier to realise once you've cooled down and look back. It's not fucked up to call someone out for being immature. My mum throws the "immature" stinging insult at me cause she's broken my trust severely in the past, and now I don't trust her, and she tells me it's just me being immature. That is a valid reason to get pissed off. But if I was assigned a task, didn't do it, then had my parents call me out on my shit, I wouldn't sit there scheming on how to make a point of me not being immature, cause that argument hasn't got a leg to stand on and will just end up proving their point.

[QUOTE=xZippy;52308840]Ever have that feeling that anyone can get away with anything, but someone has to come by and slap your hands whenever you even think of doing something?[/QUOTE] Saying that you remind me a lot the core story of Persona 5. Not a spoiler: The main cast of the game are "thieves" you get inside the twisted minds of some REALLY nasty people to steal their desires. By doing that, the person turn immediately to a good person, ready even to confess his/her crimes. Do you mean something like this?

[QUOTE=loopoo;52310459]Not to kick you whilst you're down, but you don't really have a leg to stand on in this situation? You were assigned a chore and didn't do it, turning that around into pointing fingers at your dad and telling him you don't like how he calls you immature is going to basically prove his point of you being immature. You should own up to it, preoccupied or not, you had a responsibility and you didn't undertake it. I've been told by my parents during lots of arguments that I'm immature, it's what parents do. Aye, it pisses me off, especially when they're wrong, but a lot of the times they're right and I have been acting immature, which is easier to realise once you've cooled down and look back. It's not fucked up to call someone out for being immature. My mum throws the "immature" stinging insult at me cause she's broken my trust severely in the past, and now I don't trust her, and she tells me it's just me being immature. That is a valid reason to get pissed off. But if I was assigned a task, didn't do it, then had my parents call me out on my shit, I wouldn't sit there scheming on how to make a point of me not being immature, cause that argument hasn't got a leg to stand on and will just end up proving their point.[/QUOTE] I wasn't turning the situation around. I still agreed with him saying that I should've done the chore it's just that calling your son immature just for forgetting is pretty fucked. I talked to him later about it because I couldn't get it off my mind. He said that calling me immature was stupid but he stands by the "different" part, something that we both agreed on because he elaborated on it. He knows I'm busy with school, personal projects, and stress management which is why some days I forget to do things like empty the dishwasher. He meant that I was different in a sense where I'm dealing with shit that most people don't deal with. I'm still shaking over that conversation. I'm also shaking over a conversation I had with my boyfriend over some personal shit. Past few days have been a mess for me so I've been trying to tackle every little problem I've had over the past several years.

Well thanks random asshole! That really made me feel like shit... Some guy in Battlefield 1 asked why this other dude had a website for his username and I joked that the ad budget must be really bad, and then the dude just wailed on me with all kinds of bullshit...started saying "You're mentally ill" "You're depressed and self harm" "I know it's true" and I'm like damn man, I play games to forget about that, not to feel worse. Then he goes on going "It's your fault" "You're awful inside" etc...just really hurt deep because it was all true but I don't need random pricks to remind me about how awful I feel. I just want to have fun, not fucking hurt more. At the end of it he started talking about God and how he could help and it kinda irritated me even more, only because I have a feeling he does that to people to make them feel like shit and then he can prey on their shitty feelings to make them join or whatever. I left but I was enjoying myself before that and nobody was being rude, everyone was just talking about the game :disappoint: Well at the end of the day it's just some weirdo. This is more of a rant in the moment and I'm okay, but ugh I just wanted to vent it out...and damn, that's a [B]really[/B] horrible ad for that website. :hurr:

[QUOTE=kariko;52310914]Well thanks random asshole! That really made me feel like shit... Some guy in Battlefield 1 asked why this other dude had a website for his username and I joked that the ad budget must be really bad, and then the dude just wailed on me with all kinds of bullshit...started saying "You're mentally ill" "You're depressed and self harm" "I know it's true" and I'm like damn man, I play games to forget about that, not to feel worse. Then he goes on going "It's your fault" "You're awful inside" etc...just really hurt deep because it was all true but I don't need random pricks to remind me about how awful I feel. I just want to have fun, not fucking hurt more. At the end of it he started talking about God and how he could help and it kinda irritated me even more, only because I have a feeling he does that to people to make them feel like shit and then he can prey on their shitty feelings to make them join or whatever. I left but I was enjoying myself before that and nobody was being rude, everyone was just talking about the game :disappoint: Well at the end of the day it's just some weirdo. This is more of a rant in the moment and I'm okay, but ugh I just wanted to vent it out...and damn, that's a [B]really[/B] horrible ad for that website. :hurr:[/QUOTE] awful people are like that no matter where, it's usually a given you'll run into some bitter piece of shit who wants to take his own frustrations out on some other guy who he sees as a good target. Anonymity helps those people a lot in that regard.

Feel hopeless beyond all hope. Fuck you world. You've proven to be an asshole in more ways then one.

Ok, I think I'll be fine now. Today actually wasn't hell. I'll be fine. I get bent out of shape easily I think. Might take me a bit to get back to a state I can start making stuff again as the last couple of days was bad enough to make me have multiple meltdowns. Though I still feel dumb that despite my therapist telling and teaching numerous things I can do to cope and even using some of them in less stressful situations, I still fall back to horrific thoughts and mental meltdowns at anything that is rather stressful.

I'm having existinential problems lately. I had a conversation with my girlfriend's mom who keeps questioning why my parents kicked me out and abused me if I never did anything wrong (most people assume I was deserving of being homeless instead of asking if my parents were just plain abusive so this always makes me sad and scared because I didn't do shit to be kicked out aside from being gay.) Shit was kinda weird for me because I had to explain myself to her and my story, then she said [I]"Well your parents didnt raise you right because look where you are now. You're barely an adult and you are staying at a complete stranger's house relying off of us to help you on your feet." [/I] and I felt guilt tripped over that and it's just been so weird. I've had my girlfriend's family help guide me in the right direction towards getting my driver's liscence and health insurance and have felt like I was a burden to them... now I feel like I'm using them to get stable as if thats a bad thing. Logically I know I need help getting stuff sorted out and I have no idea what to do and my family never helped me/forbid me from learning how while throwing me out. It all just feels very unreal. [B]I'm having existinential crisises about what I want in my life and everything seems so alien to me.[/B] [editline]4th June 2017[/editline] I almost want to leave this place as soon as I get a car because I feel like everything is wrong and I need time to figure myself out but I'd make my girlfriend sad if I did that.

Odds are I'm reading too much into things, but when people don't respond to messages or conversations seem dull, I really start to feel bad, like the other person either doesn't like me or doesn't care to talk to me and it'll always be that way. I tend to push the 'conversation' further to try to keep it up but it just makes me feel more awkward. Least I'm putting myself out there I guess. Besides that I'm doing a lot better than yesterday, at least.

Well... I spoke to my mom about the whole healthcare thing, and how I wanted her to take me to a therapist. She told me that she just doesn't have the money for it, so I (basically) threatened to admit myself to the hospital because I've been telling her I wanted to get help for three years now and she did nothing, and i told her that if she hadn't waited as long as she did we wouldn't have to wait for the healthcare to get renewed. She immediately denied it, saying I never said anything like that, even though I vividly remember me sitting her down and saying to her face "I have been having suicidal thoughts, and I want you to take me to a therapist" and telling it to her almost every time I saw her every day for almost three years, but she never took me. Whatever. Anyway, when I told her that she said "If you go to the hospital you're going to be committed." and I told her "I'm fine with that, at least I'd be getting some actual help." I wasn't actually fine with it, I just wanted her to know that I was serious about needing help, and I was just fucking sick and tired of waiting. She just scoffed and walked out of my room. I thought that would be the end of it, but just a few minutes ago she knocked on my door, and told me that she talked to my dad and they're both going to take off work wednesday and take me to the hospital. Well, fuck. They'd seriously rather pay the hospital bill than the $30-$150 it takes to pay for a therapist... I don't understand. I thought the whole reason they never took me to get help was because they didn't have any fucking money?! And honestly, I'm really scared now, and I don't know what I just got myself into. I'm starting to wish I had never said anything, because I have heard some really, REALLY bad stories about depressed and suicidal people being admitted to the hospital, getting held there against their will for days or even weeks or months, being hooked up to an IV because they're not allowed solid food and force-fed antidepressants that just make them feel worse, having everything taken away from them like their phone and leaving them naked except for a gown in a windowless, undecorated room, completely isolated from their friends. I'm really, really scared now and I don't know what to do. I'm also confused as to why all of a sudden money isn't a problem anymore and they'd rather go nuclear and pay for a hospital bill just because I threw a hissy fit than just take me to a goddamn therapist which is what I've been begging them for for three years. I mean I guess it's nice that I'll be getting help finally, but this really isn't the kind of help I had expected nor wanted. Can anyone help me? Please?

[QUOTE=roman117;52313074][/QUOTE] Most of the psychiatric hospitals are actually pretty good. You're suicidal. You don't have schizophrenia or any other mental illness right? Even if you are admitted the ward you'll be put into probably won't have any of the severely mentally ill. Yeah they take away your phone, etc. Most of the time you can keep your clothing.. and unless you're in a crappy hospital you'll have a window in your room. Anyway, go with the flow. If you are admitted then on discharge they'll give you a care plan which includes a psychiatrist for meds and a therapist for general counseling. I've had various psychiatric admissions over the years and I've never had a bad experience. I've only seen one person get involuntary for 90 days.. and in my opinion she needed the extra time.. most of the people stay for 1 week with 2 being the upper limit.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52313227]Most of the psychiatric hospitals are actually pretty good. You're suicidal. You don't have schizophrenia or any other mental illness right? Even if you are admitted the ward you'll be put into probably won't have any of the severely mentally ill. Yeah they take away your phone, etc. Most of the time you can keep your clothing.. and unless you're in a crappy hospital you'll have a window in your room. Anyway, go with the flow. If you are admitted then on discharge they'll give you a care plan which includes a psychiatrist for meds and a therapist for general counseling. I've had various psychiatric admissions over the years and I've never had a bad experience. I've only seen one person get involuntary for 90 days.. and in my opinion she needed the extra time.. most of the people stay for 1 week with 2 being the upper limit.[/QUOTE] I think it's just a regular hospital, not a psychiatric one. But thank you, that makes me relax a bit. I'm still worried about the money thing, they constantly said they had no money but now they're going to spend a ludicrous amount putting me into the hospital... either they aren't as poor as they thought, or they ARE poor, and after this they'll end up A LOT poorer, which is really worrying to me.

[QUOTE=roman117;52313240]I think it's just a regular hospital, not a psychiatric one. But thank you, that makes me relax a bit. I'm still worried about the money thing, they constantly said they had no money but now they're going to spend a ludicrous amount putting me into the hospital... either they aren't as poor as they thought, or they ARE poor, and after this they'll end up A LOT poorer, which is really worrying to me.[/QUOTE] No, they take you to a regular hospital and in turn the hospital social worker/case manager sends you to a psychiatric hospital unless the hospital has a floor for suicidal & mentally ill which most don't. Don't worry about money. You should do this - because it may turn out you have bipolar or BPD or some other illness which left untreated could destroy your life. I don't understand why your parents have ignored this for so long - I hope you get better.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52313255]No, they take you to a regular hospital and in turn the hospital social worker/case manager sends you to a psychiatric hospital unless the hospital has a floor for suicidal & mentally ill which most don't. Don't worry about money. You should do this - because it may turn out you have bipolar or BPD or some other illness which left untreated could destroy your life. I don't understand why your parents have ignored this for so long - I hope you get better.[/QUOTE] Thank you, I hope so too, I appreciate all the help you've offered me in this thread, it's more than I've gotten IRL. I don't understand why, either. Like I said, i thought it was because of money, but now all of a sudden it's not a problem. Whatever. Thanks again.

I'm fucking stupid and I hate my thoughts. I have to go somewhere important tomorrow and I want to just skip it but I have to go to get help with finding a job. I hate talking and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to say and if I'm doing it right or wrong and if someone likes me or if they don't want to talk to me, I wish I just knew how to speak to people without worrying about every tiny thing they say or do. I try to speak and all my mind tells me is that I'm awkward and unwanted and I just want to be friendly but I stress over every little thing and I feel dumb. I hate social anxiety and I want to be normal. I just want to explode. I'm so stressed out and I know I'm stressing about nothing because it's all in my head but it's so overwhelming that I can't ignore it. Fuck it alllll. :mindblown:

[QUOTE=kariko;52313307]I'm fucking stupid and I hate my thoughts. I have to go somewhere important tomorrow and I want to just skip it but I have to go to get help with finding a job. I hate talking and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to say and if I'm doing it right or wrong and if someone likes me or if they don't want to talk to me, I wish I just knew how to speak to people without worrying about every tiny thing they say or do. I try to speak and all my mind tells me is that I'm awkward and unwanted and I just want to be friendly but I stress over every little thing and I feel dumb. I hate social anxiety and I want to be normal. I just want to explode. I'm so stressed out and I know I'm stressing about nothing because it's all in my head but it's so overwhelming that I can't ignore it. Fuck it alllll. :mindblown:[/QUOTE] Using logical reasoning, I'd say you're most likely speaking about some type of schooling; however I could be wrong. If after reading this post, you feel like you want to speak more about this feeling, then you should absolutely feel free to do so :smile: Our minds are one of the most fragile things we will ever encounter on this entire earth. Which is why we have to understand what's the best way to take care of them. Humans tend to be so caught up with their stress, social interactions and work, that they forget what resources are displayed in front of them to help them. Let me elaborate on this some more. Everyone strives for a sense of importance, and they want to be noticed for their skills and achievements. We all want to be good at something, but we get so caught up with how we're feeling, that we don't see all the advantages to learn. What you're feeling right now, used to be something I felt not so long ago. I will have you know that, there's many ways to solve your issues and even become an expert at understanding the way people may think. All you require to ever succeed in this world is morality and sincerity. You may not know it, but something fascinating and interesting about your brain, is that every neuron and every cell is fighting to make up for where lack skills and talents the most. Imagine that! You brain is fighting with you, and it doesn't even need you to tell it to do anything! You will always and forever be your own best friend. No matter where you go in this world, as long as you're living and breathing, that brain is giving it everything its go to make strive to the top. So let's get into even more! Why do you feel so helpless, and feel so stressed out? It's because your anxiety for people goes off the charts. All you want to do is make them see you for the good person you're. Well let me tell you something. Your brain was smart and talented enough to write this post. Your brain advocated to help you when it needed it the most. I see that, and I don't mind being a friend and lending you everything I have to make your time at this 'place' is less stressful. My suggest is that you start reading about your anxiety and read about public relations. The more knowledge you give your brain, the better it will grow and fight to advocate you even more. Keep learning from those before you and keep learning from yourself and those in front of you. Now you might be saying "oh, but where do I start Inspector?". The best place to start is to stop worrying and be happy. Someone like you will always have a chance in this world. You can start right here, right now. Pick up a book and or meditate. Learn more about yourself, your brain and the others around you. Make others feel important and show them that whatever they're looking to strive for will always be possible. By showing others the way, the will befriend you, and they won't care what you do, and if you do it right or wrong. Stand up with pride and guide yourself where you want to go. If there ever comes a time when you're down. Remember that you're talented, and remember that you're valued and skilled.