Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

According to the therapist, I have aspergers which sucks. I'm already dyslexic, losing my hair and I have slight tinnitus. I'm completely worthless. Not being able to fix these problems is frustrating. What the hell do I do? I'm afraid of death so (that's atheism for you).... I'm just stuck here in the cold hard reality. :blaze::hairpull::angry: [editline]22nd September 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Mister Sandman;48730396]My depressions been taking an interesting turn lately. It's been hard for me to feel like anything matters, at all. And I mean anything at all. The concept of working seems pointless. The concept of entertainment seems so frustratingly pointless. I'd call them a waste of time but the term waste of time seems like an oxymoron to use because it implies that I think there's something that isn't a waste of time. I keep thinking about whether anything really does matter at all, and the best I can get out of myself is that the world is just something that you have to just buy in to, like suspending your disbelief. I can sit there and ask why, why, and why, and the eventual root of everything will eventually just land on I don't know, just because. That's where I feel like you have to buy in to it, and I find it harder and harder to. I mean, people buy in to things like Religion to give them that sense of comfort or purpose, or the basic idea of Karma. I don't, and that leaves me to ask myself what makes anything matter, with no supernatural entity or some shit to give me the answer. Some people tell themselves what they do here matters because it affects generations after they die even though they won't be there to see it, but I have a marginal blip of an impact and it ultimately won't matter if the universe does just die at some point and nothing is left to feel it's impact. There's a drive to find an answer but I'm looking for an answer as to why anything [I]does[/I] matter, and acting like there has to be one. Like that's the endpoint I have to arrive at. I don't know that I there does.[/QUOTE] Karma actually means you get back what you put in, in other words if you do nothing, nothing will happen. You have a choice, you can do nothing and let time go by or you can do anything and see what happens. There is no such thing as negative energy, just energy and the absence of it which makes up reality. So you can either do something or not, significance in regards to the vastness of time and space doesn't matter, just how people in the here and now percieve it. I'm sure our distance ancestors had no concept of us or the world we live in but without them we wouldn't exist. It's all a matter of perspective. If you ask me, the whole point of existence is to do something, anything.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48725721]I have massive social paranoia, I can have been friends with someone for years and years but as soon as they say something slightly critical or don't respond on Facebook I go into full "oh god they hate me now" mode. So I know how it feels. I can't maintain friendships because I alternately become super clingy and super withdrawn.[/QUOTE] It's a vicious cycle. You have to go out of your way to hold yourself back from being either. It isn't easy, but possible. Baby steps! [QUOTE=Kaleidescoop;48726787]Sometimes, I feel like I just can't handle it anymore, and that I shouldn't be living because I'm too weak to handle life; that I'm worthless, and everyone would be better off if I went and offed myself. I really just don't know why I wake up every morning anymore. There's just this... I don't really know how to describe the feeling, but it gets to you and really makes you feel like you don't really matter, and that you don't have a place in the world. I'm depressed, but nobody believes me/cares, and laughs at me when I try to find help. I'm particularly bad at managing stress and I easily freak out a lot, and people like to make me freak out and yell at me, then yell at me some more when I start crying (I can't control it, it just kinda spills out) and try to make me stop, and then hit me when I can't. I don't know what to do, I feel worthless but I'm too much of a coward to kill myself because my life's not bad enough, and that I should be ashamed because there are millions out there who have shittier lives than me. I feel trapped, suffocated, and everything I do just seems to make everything worse. I'm almost at the breaking point and I'm scared, but I feel like it's the only way; I feel like I can't handle life anymore, and the longer I stay alive I'm making life harder for everyone around me. Heh. Look at me, asking for suicidal advice on Facepunch, of all things. I guess I'm just too scared to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline but I'm not scared enough to pour all my troubles out onto an online forum for strangers to laugh at. Or maybe I'm just plain stupid.[/QUOTE] First off, you're beautiful and nothing is gonna change that. You're not stupid or a coward. You're human, like the rest of us! Secondly, we understand what you feel. The strange looks or ridicule we get for attempting to seek help or refuge during moments where the depression hits the low points and those nasty thoughts come flowing in like a torrential storm. The first thing I advise is to find ways to manage stress. One thing at a time. An easy way is to simply isolate yourself from the source or distract yourself with a different task. Exercise to work the stress away. It doesn't have to be full blown Euro Training, just something to get you sweating. If you truly feel like you can't handle it anymore, there is no shame in seeking professional help. Don't be around those who determine you're less of a person for wanting aid in your time of need as they'll only fuel your self-loathing and sadness. Don't feel like that around here, we're here to help you. [QUOTE=PredGD;48728108]and we're back to feeling down. it's a different kind of down though. I was browsing through my emails and suddenly stumbled upon messages from Facebook sitting in my email. I was wondering why they were there and decided to read a few of them, and of course a lot of them were from my as of then girlfriend. she wrote things like how she felt we had such a great relationship to each other compared to others, about some great memories we have had together, how she missed me so much, how much she loved me, how she would definitely never love anyone more than she loved me, etc. makes me feel sad, especially when I start thinking of how the downfall of that relationship is mostly on me. in 8 months, it's gonna be 3 years since she broke up with me and I still miss her. there are so many things I regret doing in that relationship.[/QUOTE] Regret is a natural thing to experience in our lives. Letting go is very hard. Why do you keep those messages? Would you not feel better to remove them and rid yourself of those depressing feelings? [QUOTE=MintyMginty;48728117]Oh fuck what am I going to do.[/QUOTE] What do you mean? [QUOTE=Mister Sandman;48730396]My depressions been taking an interesting turn lately. It's been hard for me to feel like anything matters, at all. And I mean anything at all. The concept of working seems pointless. The concept of entertainment seems so frustratingly pointless. I'd call them a waste of time but the term waste of time seems like an oxymoron to use because it implies that I think there's something that isn't a waste of time. I keep thinking about whether anything really does matter at all, and the best I can get out of myself is that the world is just something that you have to just buy in to, like suspending your disbelief. I can sit there and ask why, why, and why, and the eventual root of everything will eventually just land on I don't know, just because. That's where I feel like you have to buy in to it, and I find it harder and harder to. I mean, people buy in to things like Religion to give them that sense of comfort or purpose, or the basic idea of Karma. I don't, and that leaves me to ask myself what makes anything matter, with no supernatural entity or some shit to give me the answer. Some people tell themselves what they do here matters because it affects generations after they die even though they won't be there to see it, but I have a marginal blip of an impact and it ultimately won't matter if the universe does just die at some point and nothing is left to feel it's impact. There's a drive to find an answer but I'm looking for an answer as to why anything [I]does[/I] matter, and acting like there has to be one. Like that's the endpoint I have to arrive at. I don't know that I there does.[/QUOTE] My personal viewpoint is that nothing ultimately matters. Change affects those in your immediate life, so if you want to do something you'll feel, those you hold close will feel it the most, rather than Joe Smo in China. Outside of that, its a much more boring, political reality. This is one of those things that is...hard to explain. You can make pushes for change and whatnot, but its more philosophical than anything. I'm no good at the philosophies though. [QUOTE=PandaStar;48722908]Hi, um, I wanted to share a bit but first, I wanted to thank you guys. I've lurked for a long time now, and seeing you all supporting each other has kinda kept me going through my troubles, knowing there are actually people who understand what others are going through. Now I've recently gotten anxiety medication, cause I'm an absolute mess when it comes to social interactions outside of my small group of friends. I go into a state where I get intense stomach pains, and I start shaking and sweating. I hate it, and for my entire life I've always wanted to just be, normal I guess. Go out, do stuff with people. But depression on top of my anxiety has always been a huge factor in my life as well. I thought for awhile once I got medication and my anxiety went away I would finally be happy. And it did for a few months. But whether it was placebo or not I don't know but I'm starting to go back into the loop where I feel like it would be easier to just not live. But I don't know, I've gone this long in my life pushing through so I hope I can keep doing that. Thanks again for listening to my shit, I tried not to write too much even though I could go on all day hah.[/QUOTE] Don't be afraid to talk to us, we don't bite a lot. If you feel like your medication is losing its edge, you might be developing a tolerance for it. You should talk to your therapist/doctor about this and see if you can seek alternatives or upped dosage of said medication. Just be sure to ask about what it is your taking and the possible effects. [editline]21st September 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;48731245]According to the therapist, I have aspergers which sucks. I'm already dyslexic, losing my hair and I have slight tinnitus. I'm completely worthless. Not being able to fix these problems is frustrating. What the hell do I do? I'm afraid of death so (that's atheism for you).... I'm just stuck here in the cold hard reality. :blaze::hairpull::angry: [/QUOTE] If its that bad, you can always shave it all off :v: Seriously though, if there's nothing you can do to fix those issues, then find ways around it. Aspergers isn't the end of all things to come, merely an obstacle. You won't be boxed in because of your dyslexia or denied anything because of your tinnitus. It's irritating as hell, sure, but it is by no means the end. You're not worthless, you're human like the rest of us. We all have our flaws but, with a little bit of support, we can get through it. Does the therapist suggest any medications for anything or is it simply just "ya got it"?

I'm not going to take any medication as It'll result in dependency. I've told them ; no medications. Therapist made a few suggestions, mostly about researching the issue, but I'm annoyed, by the fact that I can't be normal which is big part of the person I want to be, so I want to suppress the condition as much as possible, otherwise the social conditions will cause me problems in life.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;48734145]I'm not going to take any medication as It'll result in dependency. I've told them ; no medications.[/QUOTE] I'm not going to say you are wrong or tell you you need to be on meds. I believe it is your choice and your choice alone and I would never take that from you. I will say that without medicines, I would probably have died months or maybe years ago. Medicines are hard and they don't feel good, but they help keep me stable and regulated enough that functioning like a human being is just a little bit easier and just a little bit more doable.

I don't really want to take antidepressants because the last one I was on, Prozac, didn't do fucking shit for me. I felt literally no difference when I went cold turkey off of it. idk what other meds exist though :v:

[QUOTE=kijji;48735551]I don't really want to take antidepressants because the last one I was on, Prozac, didn't do fucking shit for me. I felt literally no difference when I went cold turkey off of it. idk what other meds exist though :v:[/QUOTE] A doctor, preferably a psychiatrist can help you there. I can tell you there is way more beyond prozac and they are very different from each other

I feel like I have barely any drive to do anything besides school work. I want to do things, even if it's just playing a game, but I don't even have the will to do that. It feels like the only satisfaction I get is from food, and I'm careful not to overeat but I do want to lose weight. Am I just being lazy? Am I depressed? My dog died not too long ago, could that be affecting me even though I don't think about it that often? And I'm having a bunch of self-image and low self esteem issues I didn't have before. I want to say it's my fault and I'm lazy, I have no idea though. I don't feel emotionally hurt, that's why I'm hesitant to call it depression.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;48734145]I'm not going to take any medication as It'll result in dependency. I've told them ; no medications. Therapist made a few suggestions, mostly about researching the issue, but I'm annoyed, by the fact that I can't be normal which is big part of the person I want to be, so I want to suppress the condition as much as possible, otherwise the social conditions will cause me problems in life.[/QUOTE] I respect your choice, then. [QUOTE=Aldawolf;48736358]I feel like I have barely any drive to do anything besides school work. I want to do things, even if it's just playing a game, but I don't even have the will to do that. It feels like the only satisfaction I get is from food, and I'm careful not to overeat but I do want to lose weight. Am I just being lazy? Am I depressed? My dog died not too long ago, could that be affecting me even though I don't think about it that often? And I'm having a bunch of self-image and low self esteem issues I didn't have before. I want to say it's my fault and I'm lazy, I have no idea though. I don't feel emotionally hurt, that's why I'm hesitant to call it depression.[/QUOTE] Stress takes on many forms. The recent passing of your dog may affect you in ways you don't realize. You may not consciously think about it, but its there. You might just be going through a hormonal low point, which everyone goes through. It's just one of those moments in life you feel sluggish and unmotivated. It comes and goes, you just have to push yourself to do the things that need to be done. Its only when you start to feel this sensation for much longer than one should or when it begins to interfere with your life is when one should be concerned. It may very well be a combination of low self-esteem, self-image, and recent passing that is taking a toll on you. Give it some time and push past the crumminess. See if it does indeed get worse. You're still beautiful and have a wonderful night. Since I'm here, general reminder for everyone: You have a right to know what medications you're taking and what they do. If you feel certain meds aren't doing what they used to or just don't do what is expected, continue to take it for 4-6 weeks before pursuing the doct/therapist/psychiatrist/overlord for alternatives or an upped dosage. I say 4-6 weeks since medications can sometimes take a slow start to take hold. Some are more immediate but can become tolerated by the body to create a balanced effect, but again, its up to you. You're all amazing, don't forget we're all here for one another. Also OP has awesome resources if you haven't checked.

[QUOTE=Aldawolf;48736358]I feel like I have barely any drive to do anything besides school work. I want to do things, even if it's just playing a game, but I don't even have the will to do that. It feels like the only satisfaction I get is from food, and I'm careful not to overeat but I do want to lose weight. Am I just being lazy? Am I depressed? My dog died not too long ago, could that be affecting me even though I don't think about it that often? And I'm having a bunch of self-image and low self esteem issues I didn't have before. I want to say it's my fault and I'm lazy, I have no idea though. I don't feel emotionally hurt, that's why I'm hesitant to call it depression.[/QUOTE] You might have depression. some of the symptoms you are describing are pretty much straight out of the DSM. The general rule of thumb is that the difference between normal feeling sad and depressive disorder is how long it lasts (it's depression if it's been weeks or months or even longer) and whether it is impacting your quality of life (is your physical health suffering? are your relationships deteriorating? are your grades/work performance going down?). A trauma (which can include the loss of a family member or pet) can trigger depression. Again, if you are [I]feeling[/I] the loss long a long time after most other people would have started to move on, that is a warning sign. Also you touched on a common perception of depression that is not necessarily true: somebody who is depressed might not feel sad. Depression can feel [B]flat[/B] or [B]grey[/B]. In the end, I believe that only a doctor or mental health professional can tell you if what you are experiencing is depression. If you can identify with any of what I said here, I suggest you take that next step of asking for help. One more thing: I do not think you are lazy and I do not believe that this is your fault. I hope this helped even in some tiny way.

My wife was prescribed lexapro (?) and now she's all loopy and dizzy and tired and such. It's good to see her trying but it's exhausting. I'm tired. Taking care of everything. Work, cleaning, taking and dropping off the kids at school, cooking dinner. I'm not really complaining I guess. I'm glad we're finally taking another step but this is tiring. Just need somewhere to vent. Ya know?

If I'm not sad or self-hating I tend to be in this weird emotional place, I wouldn't call it grey? I call it feeling beige I guess. It's really neutral but being alive and existing feels vaguely gross and disgusting.

-snip- I feel too bad having this post here

Another thing that really bothers me (and you guys here might not understand) is my wife's sexual and relationship past. I was a virgin by choice when I married. I wanted to be the first to who I married too. I wanted to have all those first moments with the woman I fell in love with. I'm a very "stone cold" guy and I don't hand my heart out very easily. so when I finally did fall in love, I wasn't going to let her go (explains why I'm still with her through all this crap Right) Yes. "I knew she had a past before". "I shouldn't let it bother me". And "I don't have a right" yadda yadda yadda I've heard and read it all. Nothing really helps. Mental images still haunt me. Want to know the really depressing part? I went to my pastor for help, and he couldn't find anything to say. He wasn't condemning and wants us to have the best, but he couldn't help me. I don't expect answers here. I don't know what I expect. All I know is my coke and brandy bottles are running low and I don't know how else to deal with the mental images and pain. [editline]22nd September 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=fudge blood;48742185]I'm so sad all the time now because my fear was confirmed not too long ago about my sex life. Turns out I have disgusting, physically unappealing genitals... I mean I kinda saw it coming but it still hurt to know my wiring is considered gross and abnormal. It sucks because I feel like I could be really fun and kinky in bed, but the only thing holding me back is my junk :v: My gf agrees with me that it's disgusting and not normal. It's why we don't have sex whatsoever. I do help her get off but I'm starting to get used to dealing with my own arousal by myself, which is killing me because I wish I didn't feel so ugly that my own girlfriend can't stomach my vagina. I can't stand being so physically unattractive down there. Sex is my favorite thing in the world and I can't have it because I'm so ugly. I'm so, so, so sad... The problem is that my labia minora are like weirdly long, ever since I hit puberty they just kinda grew. It looks similar to this: (NSFW) [url]http://www.labialibrary.org.au/site/assets/files/1014/4_silvi.jpg[/url] I don't blame her either; we all have preferences. I don't even like my own vagina either. It's gross and I'm glad my ex-boyfriend didn't see it because he would have been way more grossed out than she is. But she still loves me and tries really hard, and I appreciate her for it. But nothing will ever cure this deep disgust I have for myself. My self esteem is at an all time low nowadays.[/QUOTE] Maybe it's because I'm a guy that really enjoys the female body, but that example isn't disgusting to me at all. just so ya know.

[QUOTE=fudge blood;48742185]I'm so sad all the time now because my fear was confirmed not too long ago about my sex life. Turns out I have disgusting, physically unappealing genitals... I mean I kinda saw it coming but it still hurt to know my wiring is considered gross and abnormal. It sucks because I feel like I could be really fun and kinky in bed, but the only thing holding me back is my junk :v: My gf agrees with me that it's disgusting and not normal. It's why we don't have sex whatsoever. I do help her get off but I'm starting to get used to dealing with my own arousal by myself, which is killing me because I wish I didn't feel so ugly that my own girlfriend can't stomach my vagina. I can't stand being so physically unattractive down there. Sex is my favorite thing in the world and I can't have it because I'm so ugly. I'm so, so, so sad... The problem is that my labia minora are like weirdly long, ever since I hit puberty they just kinda grew. It looks similar to this: (NSFW) [url]http://www.labialibrary.org.au/site/assets/files/1014/4_silvi.jpg[/url] I don't blame her either; we all have preferences. I don't even like my own vagina either. It's gross and I'm glad my ex-boyfriend didn't see it because he would have been way more grossed out than she is. But she still loves me and tries really hard, and I appreciate her for it. But nothing will ever cure this deep disgust I have for myself. My self esteem is at an all time low nowadays.[/QUOTE]That doesn't look abnormal or even unattractive at all, your gf has a problem. Might be worth discussing with her.

Oh my god fuck my life, I have to write 1000 words before tomorrow morning and I physically cannot make myself do it. I'm really panicking oh my god At least now I can tick the "interfering with school or work" box on WebMD amirite guys hahahaha humor

My therapist gave me "homework": whenever I have negative thoughts, write them down, what type of thought they are, and write a more realistic or logical thought. I haven't had a negative thought since :v:

Nice!

[QUOTE=D0C H.;48743295]Nice![/QUOTE] I know, but I want to have something to write down so I can see what thoughts and types of thoughts are in my head

I'm finally going to therapy! I'm afraid of going back on medication though because my medication before was incredibly strong and it had to be. The thing is though it really fucked with me and made me so empty. I'm afraid of how my new girlfriend will handle that. She's been extremely supportive so far. My last one was obviously not and I have faith in her. Just a bit worried

It's been a while friends. I've been unfortunate so far in that my current apprenticeship applications have had absolutely *no* response in any shape or form, with the exception of one - it makes me worry because I don't know if the applications I currently have are being processed, have been ignored completely, or any other reason. That said, I got my first apprenticeship interview, so as far as I'm concerned, I've got to make the best of it tomorrow.

I hate the weariness of constantly worrying about what someone thinks of you and then feeling awkward about how you should react and what to say in certain situations.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48749648]I hate the weariness of constantly worrying about what someone thinks of you and then feeling awkward about how you should react and what to say in certain situations.[/QUOTE] I used to care a lot about what people thought of me. And now I don't, I live with freedom. I wish I could tell you how, but the simple truth is. One day, I just simply realized how utterly stupid it is to care about what other people think. Everyone will always have an opinion about everything. Everyone has Just as many issues as you and are no better in any way shape or form. Once you realize that, realize that EVERYBODY always has an opinion on EVERYTHING, you'll realize how useless it is to care about people's opinions.

Blah psychosis is back for no apparent reason. Well that was a good two months were everything was nice.

I tilted pretty hard - I was instructed to call the recruitment consultants today, which I did, only to get cut off at the very start of the conversation with no phone back for the entire day. I sent an e-mail off asking why this was the case and that even an e-mail would have been useful. I did get a call back after the closing time, but I was so tilted I was pretty negative sounding to the person on the other end. And I got told by one of my parents to consider re-signing onto benefits (which I don't want to do, because then I'll be forced into something I don't feel capable of doing - I need to do this at my own pace, not have a gun to the head) I'm hating myself, I think I've become considerably more hypervigilant about my thoughts, and that isn't necessarily a good quality to have.

It's a scary thing to feel yourself regressing as a person

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48753368]It's a scary thing to feel yourself regressing as a person[/QUOTE] It is. When I first posted on these threads a while ago, I was so angry with alot of things, I had impulsively brought a train ticket to Cambridge so then I could find the person that had abused me and made my previous partner collapse due to his heart condition and go and get his fucking head kicked in. It was only a good friend of mine and them suggesting to type it out somewhere that I stopped myself from doing something completely out of character for me.

Brothers, let us commence internet group hug for maximum depression and anxiety recovery. Rate heart to hug. Informative to kiss on the cheek. Useful to lick.

had a rather unpleasant experience today while removing dishes from the dish washer. me and the guy I've spoken the most with during my stay at this new cooperative housing / hospital had the task to empty the dishwasher this week. a new guy who was there as well, cleaning up after dinner, was making jokes and talking, seemed very relaxed. turned on some music, etc. I can't help but compare myself to him and get a little jealous. it's not like I wish to be him since I'm quite content with who I am, I just want a few changes in my personality. these things were present in him while we were working. I'm not very good at joking since I'm afraid I'll make an ass of myself, I don't like turning on music on a speaker when I'm in charge as I'm afraid of being judged by my music taste, etc. [editline]25th September 2015[/editline] then there's all this responsibility involved in moving to this place. waking up in the morning requires a significant amount of energy from me, I'm incredibly stressed out when in charge of dinner, money is incredibly tight and I have no money for luxuries due to rent. I struggle to really see a future, to plan things out, I really live in the moment. even when trying, I'm incapable of planning or worrying about my future. there's no drive, I just satisfy my needs when they pop up. if I want to sleep, I simply sleep. if I need to eat, I'll go eat. if I don't feel like going to bed, I won't go to bed even when I know I won't be able to wake up the next morning. if I want drugs or games, I won't think about not having money for food and rather buy those things. luckily it's not a crisis if I break my bank by buying stuff I really don't need as my family will gladly support me and I can probably leech off of some of my roommates, but it's not a fun thing to do. [editline]25th September 2015[/editline] I really wish I was able to think ahead. I used to be able to before I fell into my first psychosis. the positive thing about this is I don't really worry or get anxious regarding things, I just do it. of course I might get uncomfortable once I'm there, but I never really worry beforehand.

Things just got a lot harder. Being wrong sucks after a while, especially if all time you can't stop doing things wrong. When I say I want to kill myself it's not because I truly mean to do it, it's a call for help, all I want is someone to listen but nobody ever listen to what I say. That's why I go to therapy at the least once a week, because there's someone who listens to me and understands what I say, there's no blaming, there's no judgment, I just say what I've done, how I feel about it and what can I do to improve. When I arrive at home all I can do is being remembered how bad I am because I couldn't do certain task right. Then my friends say "Why do you tell people on the internet about your problems". Because that's all I got right now. I can't go to therapy or seek help because of my busy schedule, I can't talk with my family and my friends already said they don't want to hear from my problems. How am I supposed to vent? I already go jogging but sometimes that's not enough. Going jogging has the same effect as listening to music, it just makes my problems hurt less for a while, but it won't make them go away. Even at complaining, I'm wrong. My family thinks I'm always wasting time playing games or doing useless things and they say I never study. But I actually DO study, I swear to god I study in the morning, in the evening, I dedicate time to study, but they never believe me. It's never about how I feel, it's always about if I have already studied or not. Then I go to college and feel worse, I feel like I'm not going anywhere, then I get the pressure that if I fail I will lose the scholarship and my entire college career will be ruined (a single fail can deny you from many programs) and I can't ask for another scholarship because most of them got suspended after our governor started stealing money. Music helps me to calm down, but whenever I use my headphones my family gets mad at me because I can't hear them and I don't like listening to music without them because I have a weird taste in music and people will eventually call me out for it. I don't think it's weird, it's actual good music but it's just not what people here listen. People here are boring, they all listen to the same music, dress the same, watch the same games. Well maybe I'm just going too far by calling them boring, they just aren't in the same thing I am and they are a bunch of people too. I wish my family could understand I have problems with my impulses, my therapist already told me that I have problems with that. She is aware that my family can be provoking at times. I can't stand when they scream at me, I feel threatened and under attack, my head goes into a rush and all it wants is have me attack whoever is screaming at me but then I have to control myself and it can be frustrating, I feel the adrenaline of trying to do it, I have gotten to the point where I just can't move due to how hard I'm trying to keep myself under control, my hands just want to hurt but I tell myself "Don't do it, it's not worth it". I can't really tell people I get urges to go violent like this because then they will think I'm dangerous or something.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;48757612]Things just got a lot harder. Being wrong sucks after a while, especially if all time you can't stop doing things wrong. When I say I want to kill myself it's not because I truly mean to do it, it's a call for help, all I want is someone to listen but nobody ever listen to what I say. That's why I go to therapy at the least once a week, because there's someone who listens to me and understands what I say, there's no blaming, there's no judgment, I just say what I've done, how I feel about it and what can I do to improve. When I arrive at home all I can do is being remembered how bad I am because I couldn't do certain task right. Then my friends say "Why do you tell people on the internet about your problems". Because that's all I got right now. I can't go to therapy or seek help because of my busy schedule, I can't talk with my family and my friends already said they don't want to hear from my problems. How am I supposed to vent? I already go jogging but sometimes that's not enough. Going jogging has the same effect as listening to music, it just makes my problems hurt less for a while, but it won't make them go away. Even at complaining, I'm wrong. My family thinks I'm always wasting time playing games or doing useless things and they say I never study. But I actually DO study, I swear to god I study in the morning, in the evening, I dedicate time to study, but they never believe me. It's never about how I feel, it's always about if I have already studied or not. Then I go to college and feel worse, I feel like I'm not going anywhere, then I get the pressure that if I fail I will lose the scholarship and my entire college career will be ruined (a single fail can deny you from many programs) and I can't ask for another scholarship because most of them got suspended after our governor started stealing money. Music helps me to calm down, but whenever I use my headphones my family gets mad at me because I can't hear them and I don't like listening to music without them because I have a weird taste in music and people will eventually call me out for it. I don't think it's weird, it's actual good music but it's just not what people here listen. People here are boring, they all listen to the same music, dress the same, watch the same games. Well maybe I'm just going too far by calling them boring, they just aren't in the same thing I am and they are a bunch of people too. I wish my family could understand I have problems with my impulses, my therapist already told me that I have problems with that. She is aware that my family can be provoking at times. I can't stand when they scream at me, I feel threatened and under attack, my head goes into a rush and all it wants is have me attack whoever is screaming at me but then I have to control myself and it can be frustrating, I feel the adrenaline of trying to do it, I have gotten to the point where I just can't move due to how hard I'm trying to keep myself under control, my hands just want to hurt but I tell myself "Don't do it, it's not worth it". I can't really tell people I get urges to go violent like this because then they will think I'm dangerous or something.[/QUOTE] Man that sounds like a really tough situation. I'm sorry. I wish I had something to say to make it better. A hostile, uncaring environment can make struggles so much worse. Here is one thing I can think of: Is there a person (friend or family, maybe a cousin) who you feel you could trust and who might listen to you? Maybe somebody who is having a similar struggle of their own? Having even a single person (outside therapy) you can talk to about what is really happening may help reduce the pressure on you. I don't feel like I can help at all, but I still hope I did somehow.