Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

so I decided to finally get help cos my grades are falling and I haven't been to class. and I had a psych eval and they put me on antidepressants, but I have bipolar and I'm only depressed cos I have no one in my life so yeah, I don't get it

I don't have any friends close enough that I can really open up to them. I trust my friends, but I feel like I'll only be a nuisance if I start dumping my problems on them. I did this to my childhood friend several years ago and it wasn't until like a year ago that he told me he had hated being my 24/7 therapist back then. I can't really do anything but sit and dwell on my problems alone and joke around about depression and suicide with my friends. In other news, I'm planning on seeing a doctor and looking into antidepressants. Maybe that'll do something. Fun.

Man I really don't get how people can be happy. Like they work,have a social life, exercise and go to school at the same time, but I can barely manage 4 prerequisite classes without feeling stressed. I don't even care of having a social life really I just want to be good at something, but every time I pick something and practice it I never have the willpower to excel. Also I'm failing math and basically need 5 90's to pass with a C. Feels like I'm useless. Just thought I'd post in this thread after lurking for like 2 years. I'm gonna start posting in this thread more.

It's crazy how intense life can get to be out of the blue. I'm taking 21 hours of 500-level courses at University, and I've been overwhelmed with exams. Massive midterm in Phycology tomorrow I'm not prepared for yet and one of our cats is showing signs of liver failure tonight.

[QUOTE=shrinkme;49848351]Man I really don't get how people can be happy. Like they work,have a social life, exercise and go to school at the same time, but I can barely manage 4 prerequisite classes without feeling stressed. I don't even care of having a social life really I just want to be good at something, but every time I pick something and practice it I never have the willpower to excel. Also I'm failing math and basically need 5 90's to pass with a C. Feels like I'm useless. Just thought I'd post in this thread after lurking for like 2 years. I'm gonna start posting in this thread more.[/QUOTE] Everything takes practice, and your success (which is defined by you) is relative to how much you really want it (which is defined by your actions).

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49848812]Everything takes practice, and your success (which is defined by you) is relative to how much you really want it (which is defined by your actions).[/QUOTE] So is the problem that I dont want anything enough? How do I stop this?

I am very afraid how depression has effected my schooling, I was depressed for about a few months and while I'm on new medications and they've been working now I missed a lot of class. I'm just worried how this will eventually effect my grades (I have to read a lot for midterms in a couple days) and if I'm able to handle it. I just feel like I'll eventually be a failure. I want to achieve go for a masters and maybe even a PhD in History at some point, I love it, but I just keep thinking I'm not cut out to do it at all. I just don't want this all to fall down on me because I was depressed a few months and am only now starting to come out of it. I didn't have any ambition a while ago, but now I feel like I have a real ambition to go for an eventual doctorate. I don't know, just feel like some loser who doesn't work hard enough because I'm lazy. I'm going to try and study my ass off for the midterm but I just can't shake feelings that I'm worthless, even if the depression is going away.

[QUOTE=shrinkme;49849761]So is the problem that I dont want anything enough? How do I stop this?[/QUOTE] Say yes to everything and try a bunch of things. Don't say yes to things like say murder and etc.

[QUOTE=shrinkme;49849761]So is the problem that I dont want anything enough? How do I stop this?[/QUOTE] I've always subscribed to the point of view that what we do is generally what we actually want. For instance, say I wanted to learn how to draw, but then about two days in and a lot of frustration I choose not to pursue drawing. That would mean that I didn't care enough for drawing. I wanted to do it, but I didn't want it that much, and that's my point. (It takes eight years to master something, by the way.) Well, in your situation, if you want those grades, if you really want them you could put in a huge amount of effort and eventually get them. It's not that failure would mean that you don't want those grades, it's choosing not to continue that would say something about your willpower. I'm definitely not saying you don't want it, but if you really want it you'll stick with it.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49850807]I've always subscribed to the point of view that what we do is generally what we actually want. For instance, say I wanted to learn how to draw, but then about two days in and a lot of frustration I choose not to pursue drawing. That would mean that I didn't care enough for drawing. I wanted to do it, but I didn't want it that much, and that's my point. (It takes eight years to master something, by the way.) Well, in your situation, if you want those grades, if you really want them you could put in a huge amount of effort and eventually get them. It's not that failure would mean that you don't want those grades, it's choosing not to continue that would say something about your willpower. I'm definitely not saying you don't want it, but if you really want it you'll stick with it.[/QUOTE] it's more realistic to say that what we want is the end goal, but we don't want to go through the difficulties between starting and finishing I could REALLY WANT to be famous, but actually becoming famous? yeah nah, don't want to go through all that, too much hassle, too much time to be doing other things I genuinely enjoy as opposed to struggling with promotion, agents, contracts, whatever I suppose if you really want the end goal, you have to accept that the process of getting there isn't actually what you want out of it, but the obstacle course of getting to it, i.e. learning guitar, being able to pick up and play a guitar whenever is a very joyous thing, but putting in the practice to get to that point is, truly, a pain in the ass, and I say that as a guitarist most of things in life are just kinda like that, and it ends up being that we don't really enjoy the obstacles at all, even though we may feel great for having overcome them, there's something to be said about learning to enjoy the process, the challenges and obstacles in our path, as opposed to grasping at the end goal; learning to enjoy the journey, as opposed to being dependent on the destination it helps, but even so... for the most part, what you say is still true, if you don't end up doing something, even if you really wanted to 'do that thing' to begin with, truth is, you just didn't really want too go through the process to get there, you're grasping at a false reality and not accepting the difficulty of achieving said reality will power is... a tricky concept, and highly debateable, so lets avoid the will power aspect; discipline is accepting the difficulty and pushing through it, being rigorous, not allowing the 'oh I don't feel like it's to get in the way, truly, discipline is hard motivation comes and goes, you can't rely on automatic motivation or inspiration to achieve much of anything, learning to motivate yourself to appreciate and go through the process through discipline is probably the closest you can get, and most reliable way of going about it. The only time where motivation/inspiration are applicable in achieving something, is when you've already put in the work to be able to achieve that thing on a whim of motivation/inspiration. I.E. you could want to produce a song, and feel a great sense of inspiration towards the style you want to produce, but without first having learned how, things like music theory, or at the least basic production techniques, that simply won't end up happening Basically, if you WANT to do something, you have to be realistic about where you stand with it, and accept that what you want to do isn't going to happen until you do, or have done the things you DON'T want to be doing, if that makes sense

Whoops, I said "I always subscribe to the point of view" when it's more of something I've thought of over the past couple years. It's a new point of motivation, I think.

Anyone who remembers me on this forum knows that I'm an angry ego maniac with strange opinions, so my questions is; how does someone see the world (humanity) as it is and not how they'd like it to be? How do people accept themselves for who they and not get ashamed because they fall short of aspiring to be the person their ego envision them as? I mean how do you guys accept your lives, how you fit in the world and the fact you'll never aspire to the fanciful version of yourselves with out getting some level of self loathing? How do people cope with the fact they can't control their lives and put things the way they'd like them to be? (To be honest I think if I didn't have dyslexia and ADD, I'd be much closer to that guy.) I know it's not realistic to expect life to be the way we'd like it, but how do normal people accept it for what it is and not just rage and get depressed when things don't turn out as planned or something bad an unexpected happens? I'm not delusional enough to get mad at the fact I can't shape the world in my own image , but how do you guys 'accept' it all?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49851191]Anyone who remembers me on this forum knows that I'm an angry ego maniac with strange opinions, so my questions is; how does someone see the world (humanity) as it is and not how they'd like it to be? How do people accept themselves for who they and not get ashamed because they fall short of aspiring to be the person their ego envision them as? I mean how do you guys accept your lives, how you fit in the world and the fact you'll never aspire to the fanciful version of yourselves with out getting some level of self loathing? How do people cope with the fact they can't control their lives and put things the way they'd like them to be? (To be honest I think if I didn't have dyslexia and ADD, I'd be much closer to that guy.) I know it's not realistic to expect life to be the way we'd like it, but how do normal people accept it for what it is and not just rage and get depressed when things don't turn out as planned or something bad an unexpected happens? I'm not delusional enough to get mad at the fact I can't shape the world in my own image , but how do you guys 'accept' it all?[/QUOTE] do you get treatment/medication for the ADD? (btw ADD is part of just ADHD these days according to the DSM-V) I find i'm somewhat similar to your self off treatment , strong feelings of how things 'should be', a strong resistance to what is, especially how certain people are, it's hard to explain though, i've found meditation and stuff to help a good deal, but... I never got into it until I started treatment Even so, sometimes I still feel like 'why can't you just see things the way I do' or whatever, it's hard...

No, all they offered was addictive drugs.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49851353]No, all they offered was addictive drugs.[/QUOTE] there's options other than stimulant medication, but stimulants themselves aren't very 'addictive' if you use them as prescribed.. i've been on meds for nearly 2 years now but currently off (nearing the end of my break from them, just decided to take a month or so off so I could get a sense of how I go without them) I used to avoid them myself under the same 'they're addictive drugs' notion, eventually life became too much of a struggle and I just went for treatment after avoiding it for a few years i'm not saying you should go on meds or anything though, it's entirely your choice in the end, but there are options that don't involve medication as well like adhd-coaching, CBT, etc etc, sorry if i'm not being of much help, but I kinda know where you're coming from and it's something I battle with a bit as well, I just find that with proper treatment things are a lot easier to just 'accept' as opposed to the whole resistance my mind throws up

There's that, but guess what I'm really asking is; how do you guys accept everything around you the way it is and not get upset that it's not how you like it to be? I can't process that. I mean people most people just seem content and greatful for what they have instead depressed because they aren't where they'd like to be. I don't know what that's like. How do people accept themselves and go ok, that how people see me, I don't appear like I thought I did?

Anyone else can't really remember their childhood? I feel like i'm stuck in the present and barely have any memories of distant things.

[QUOTE=diobono;49851641]Anyone else can't really remember their childhood? I feel like i'm stuck in the present and barely have any memories of distant things.[/QUOTE] I'm the same way. I choose not to remember my childhood because it's very negative, however. The good memories I do have make me sad. These are the memories that define me and I've had to face them to understand myself better. I've long since improved upon myself by facing the things I do remember. There was no joy in my childhood and it made me feel extremely empty growing up. My parents moved around a lot, for whatever reason, I'll never know. I suspect it had to do with bullshit drama they started or just they always didn't have enough money. I moved almost 15 times up until I was 18. I can remember that much. This lead to me not ever making many friends because I always thought, well I'll be gone in a year and I don't know how to keep friends. To this day I've never been good at making friends. My parents, when my siblings and I were younger tended to beat us for the whatever stupid reason and all it taught me as a child was to just shut up and don't do anything. It made me afraid to talk to my parents about anything. To this day, I can't stand talking to them, but I chose not to speak to them because while they've stopped beating their kids, they haven't stopped being neglectful to our emotions and well-being. My mother got into a car accident when I was in the 4th grade. She was driving drunk and she killed a 20 year old girl. She served time in jail for this. When the news about my mom's accident was told to me all I felt was empty. I didn't know how to react to it and I really felt like that was the event that just showed to me how little I cared about my family. As a child though, who was poorly raised and felt like they couldn't show any emotions, I guess it's not unexpected I felt nothing. Two years later, we were living with our dad, which we weren't supposed to, for whatever reason (I can't remember) and no one actually gave a shit or even checked up on that. I can't remember if my mom was there or not, but it's not entirely relevant. I know this was 6th grade, but my memory really is fuzzy on time. He drank a lot and when he wasn't drinking at home he was out partying. One night, after an altercation with the neighbors, when my dad was drunk, he decided to get everyone out of us out of his house and to his friend's house where we stayed for about 20 minutes until the cops and and child services showed up. We were taken away and split up into foster homes for 3 days until our grandparents took us in. Looking back on it now, I wish I could have stayed at that foster home. I feel like I would have actually developed as a child and grown up to be someone better. My grandparents are worse than my parents when it comes to abuse. They never hit us, but they emotionally abused the hell out of us. Making us cry over the dumbest things. And when it wasn't our grandpa trying to make us feel bad about being children and enjoying a TV show, our grandma was going on and on and on with her nonsense about Jesus and how he's gonna come down from heaven and save our souls and then start "Speaking in tongues". It was horrible. Then after a year or two we were back with our parents and then we moved to Alberta for 4 years. Growing into my teenager years I had high hopes for doing better, but after bad choices and getting into a relationship with a crazy girl I sunk further into depression. I don't like to talk about that part of my life, but it affected me very negatively. I left Alberta in 2011. I was depressed throughout highschool and even past that. Up until 2015, I was still working through a lot of things. What really helped me was finding someone who cared about me that talks to me every day. While we don't talk about these things very often, the times we did helped me understand myself better. She never tried to fix me, but gave me a point of view that allowed me to think for myself. I've had few various friends that I've made online who have been very close with me as well who have supported me. When you find that your parents don't understand and don't care for your emotional needs (and when they're the ones that caused it) it's very hard to have a discussion with them. My parents are dismissive and minimize issues, without attempting to understand why someone would feel that way. The events that really, really helped me process my childhood were the very small comments a few family members made to me. My aunts and uncles on my father's side are so much better off than he is and they understand things. While they never outright discussed these things with me, they obviously knew about them, and last year I was getting a ride home from my aunt and she mentioned my childhood and it really made me think about it. I still do feel empty, but not as bad as it once was. I've learned to work with the feeling and I've been doing my best to overcome it. Jeez, I typed for way long than I was expected. This is something I really wanted to express in public for a long time, as a way to come to terms with this neglect and abuse from my family. I've always felt odd about sharing it because I feel like people would simply dismiss it, much like my parents would. Or maybe make excuses for their behavior. But those people don't know what I went through. Those people don't know what my siblings [b]continue[/b] to go through. My parents can't have done their best if they continue to do their worst. They refuse to improve and think the world is against them.

[QUOTE=diobono;49851641]Anyone else can't really remember their childhood? I feel like i'm stuck in the present and barely have any memories of distant things.[/QUOTE] The funny thing is i can pretty clearly remember my childhood, but my present just looks like some never-ending cycle with few milestones here and there. It even results in some funny things, like one day I woke up and went to work being absolutely sure it's thursday, but it was actually saturday and there was no one in the office at all. It's like all the weekdays just merge into one big timespan with no distinctive events to differ one day from another. Kind of an eerie feeling to be honest, like a physical representation of that "life passes by" stuff.

My grandmother died this morning. For some reason I thought I'd be perpetually crying and mourning or something but it just feels like any other bad news I get. I feel like, in a way, I'm acting very sociopathic right now. Like I can't describe what I'm feeling right now but it's not deep emotional pain. I wanted to come out to her and spend time with her before this happened, because we knew she wasn't going to make it to 2017 and possibly not the summer. I kept putting off visits because of my depressive episodes 'conveniently' lining up with the times I [I]could[/I] visit. This has been going on since November even. But God damn, what a strong woman she was. Fought off cancer 3 times in the past 10 years and died seemingly of old age. [t]http://i.imgur.com/ueGOxTG.jpg[/t]

I know I'm the main reason they don't exist anymore and I've fucked them up but I miss the close relationships I used to have with some people. I really miss them.

So I was sitting in math practice class writing everything that was on the board, teacher stops for a second, looks at me and says "You are just copying stuff aren't you". I felt like I was going to turn into a raspberry. I prefer to be passive in class and do the learning sometime later, thus I don't say shit whenever she generally asks the audience for something. She asks "were you in the math lecture class", I was there, then she began to ask me to say 4 things. In this moment I didn't know what she actually wanted to hear so it was a longer awkward silence. I remembered some tidbits flying in my thought about the lecture, but I quickly forget a lot of stuff like a goldfish, so it still was an awkward silence. Now I think I look like a fucking idiot to this practice class group. After this, I dabbled in my head what if I just simply get out of class right now and run away, because at that moment I felt I don't belong here. However I remained here and continued to write like nothing happened. I understand that the teacher wants students to be active and learn while in class, but she has this kind of "don't like some people" thing going on, for example she doesn't like all of the economist students, shits on them if there's none of them in class etc, now I think she may hate me too. Honestly before what happened today, I actually liked her, so what the hell. There's some optional homework to be solved, so what if if I try to solve them and show it to her to gain back my reputation? [editline]2nd March 2016[/editline] But man, that moment was hell and I wanted to simply not exist. I fear the next practice class.

I guess I'm going to bite the bullet and talk about medication if this goes badly I don't know what I'll do

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49855022]I guess I'm going to bite the bullet and talk about medication if this goes badly I don't know what I'll do[/QUOTE] I doubt it'll go badly, you need help. Good luck :smile:

[QUOTE=ichiman94;49853580]So I was sitting in math practice class writing everything that was on the board, teacher stops for a second, looks at me and says "You are just copying stuff aren't you". I felt like I was going to turn into a raspberry. I prefer to be passive in class and do the learning sometime later, thus I don't say shit whenever she generally asks the audience for something. She asks "were you in the math lecture class", I was there, then she began to ask me to say 4 things. In this moment I didn't know what she actually wanted to hear so it was a longer awkward silence. I remembered some tidbits flying in my thought about the lecture, but I quickly forget a lot of stuff like a goldfish, so it still was an awkward silence. Now I think I look like a fucking idiot to this practice class group. After this, I dabbled in my head what if I just simply get out of class right now and run away, because at that moment I felt I don't belong here. However I remained here and continued to write like nothing happened. I understand that the teacher wants students to be active and learn while in class, but she has this kind of "don't like some people" thing going on, for example she doesn't like all of the economist students, shits on them if there's none of them in class etc, now I think she may hate me too. Honestly before what happened today, I actually liked her, so what the hell. There's some optional homework to be solved, so what if if I try to solve them and show it to her to gain back my reputation? [editline]2nd March 2016[/editline] But man, that moment was hell and I wanted to simply not exist. I fear the next practice class.[/QUOTE] Teachers who do this are the absolute worst. They don't understand that not everyone can comfortably speak aloud in class, especially not when suddenly pulled into the hot seat. It's bad teaching practice and bad form in general. I don't blame you for being upset.

School isn't for everyone. Honest to god it isn't. Sure, basic core shit like middle and highschool you "need" but college? It's not for everyone. If I could afford it, I'd take a couple years of vocational college or if I was really confident: film school. It bothers the ever-loving shit out of me that teachers hold grudges against students, FFS they're there to teach, not to cause drama. If a kid is passing and actually learning their own way, and it isn't disruptive to the class, I say leave them be.

Is school really not for everyone? Everyone tells me I have to or need to go to school, or back to school.

Nope. School is definitely a choice you have to make. It's a HUGE commitment, responsibility, and drain on an emotional, mental, physical and financial level. Everyone DOES need to put effort towards what they want to do or who they want to be in life. But that does not always require a formal education.

Yeah, being in college/uni put a strain on my mental and I guess emotional health. Just dunno what I'd want to do really.

[QUOTE=Qaus;49852791]My grandmother died this morning. For some reason I thought I'd be perpetually crying and mourning or something but it just feels like any other bad news I get. I feel like, in a way, I'm acting very sociopathic right now. Like I can't describe what I'm feeling right now but it's not deep emotional pain. I wanted to come out to her and spend time with her before this happened, because we knew she wasn't going to make it to 2017 and possibly not the summer. I kept putting off visits because of my depressive episodes 'conveniently' lining up with the times I [I]could[/I] visit. This has been going on since November even. But God damn, what a strong woman she was. Fought off cancer 3 times in the past 10 years and died seemingly of old age. [t]http://i.imgur.com/ueGOxTG.jpg[/t][/QUOTE] I felt weird when my grandmother passed away because I honestly felt relief that she was gone. Was awful to see her suffer through dementia and I was just glad she didn't have to suffer any longer. Everyone experiences it differently.