Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I'm not happy with where I am as a person but I feel like I have all the resources to keep improving. My doc recommended Omega 3 fish oils so I'm considering adding that to my morning ritual. [QUOTE=AtomicSans;49855022]I guess I'm going to bite the bullet and talk about medication if this goes badly I don't know what I'll do[/QUOTE] Finding the right meds can help a lot. I remember being uncomfortable with the idea of being medicated but after about a month or two I remember suddenly realizing I was feeling normal for the first time since I was a little kid. See what works for you, talk a lot about how you're feeling with your doctor and most importantly if you're feeling fine once you're medicated: don't. stop. taking them. Lapsing on your dosage can mean a whole lot of bad vibes hitting you real hard.

[QUOTE=ichiman94;49853580]So I was sitting in math practice class writing everything that was on the board, teacher stops for a second, looks at me and says "You are just copying stuff aren't you". I felt like I was going to turn into a raspberry. I prefer to be passive in class and do the learning sometime later, thus I don't say shit whenever she generally asks the audience for something. She asks "were you in the math lecture class", I was there, then she began to ask me to say 4 things. In this moment I didn't know what she actually wanted to hear so it was a longer awkward silence. I remembered some tidbits flying in my thought about the lecture, but I quickly forget a lot of stuff like a goldfish, so it still was an awkward silence. Now I think I look like a fucking idiot to this practice class group. After this, I dabbled in my head what if I just simply get out of class right now and run away, because at that moment I felt I don't belong here. However I remained here and continued to write like nothing happened. I understand that the teacher wants students to be active and learn while in class, but she has this kind of "don't like some people" thing going on, for example she doesn't like all of the economist students, shits on them if there's none of them in class etc, now I think she may hate me too. Honestly before what happened today, I actually liked her, so what the hell. There's some optional homework to be solved, so what if if I try to solve them and show it to her to gain back my reputation? [editline]2nd March 2016[/editline] But man, that moment was hell and I wanted to simply not exist. I fear the next practice class.[/QUOTE] I never truly understood why teachers manage to pull off shit like this. Way to fuck over and expose someone in front of everyone. Also, what kind of shit do they expect you to do when they ask you something that way? Everyone knows you'll never win against a teacher in front of the class, why bother? It's just straight up exposing someone for arbitrary reasons. Edit It kinda sucks that while I have started to feel better, I know I have made most of my friends go away, they got tired of me and now they left me, but that doesn't matter. I got myself in trouble, I got myself up and now it's my responsibility to stay up all by myself.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49856642]I never truly understood why teachers manage to pull off shit like this. Way to fuck over and expose someone in front of everyone. Also, what kind of shit do they expect you to do when they ask you something that way? Everyone knows you'll never win against a teacher in front of the class, why bother? It's just straight up exposing someone for arbitrary reasons.[/QUOTE] god I remember in 7th grade I had moved to a new school, a very evangelical christian private school, and it was super friggin' stressful in general but the teachers made it worse. My texas history teacher was talking about the "Ima Hogg" of Texas LORE or whatever going on about how it was all fake but man oh man I just had to speak up to correct her that it actually was true since I recall'd being told the story by my dad and looking it up myself to see if it was true or not, but the teacher very adamantly didn't believe what a dumb kid had to say. The worst though was right after when, stressed and frustrated, I muttered the words "This is so stupid." under my breath, and said teacher suddenly perked up and went "what did they say??" To which, without skipping a beat, the kid beside me went "they said 'this is so stupid.'" I dont quite remember exactly what happened after that, was something like a long awkward pause while I literally started pulling my hair out and didn't say a word until class ended. I'd definitely remember if I had gotten sent to the principal's office, but I think the teacher/everyone started feeling sorry for me and that point and just ignored me from then on. That's sort've a theme I've had with bullies which I can't seem to explain how/why someone could be that way; where they're mean as shit to you but then something happens or you respond a certain way then they just stop being mean?? I mean they're still shitty and staring at you weird and don't try to make up for it but it's like they start feeling guilty but not guilty enough to actually be nice or apologize at all. Later in the 8th grade that happened to me with this group of assholes that would steal my hate and make fun of the bald spots I had from pulling my hair out so much, and one day they threw it on top of the lockers. I tried to jump up and grab it back, but couldn't, so i just gave up and walked to class. Then one of those assholes had the GALL to take the hat down and give it to me without saying a word. Like "oh no if they go to class without the hat the teacher will notice and they'll tell'm about how we're being bullies." God shitty people are the whole reason my trichtiliomania is as bad as it is. didn't mean to rant so much sorry

social relations man, I love them and I hate them, a lot. its cool having friends or a SO but they bring so much instability into my life. I like having an overview and control of my life and I feel that need of others as well since they become a part of my life, but I know it's not okay so I can't. honestly, I wish I was stripped of my need of being social. if I could I'd totally live a life in isolation as long as that social absence didn't bother me. it'd give me more control and overview of my life.

Fuck's sake, I hate having those days where things don't go as I planned and everything just tumbles over. I question my own abilities and my insecurities are ruining my ability to focus on what needs to be done, even though I know I am fully capable of doing and finishing this piece of coursework right now. Depression and anxiety really can mess with your frame of mind and thoughts, and I hate it.

I wish there was a way to quickly fix your own insecurities. when it comes to social relations, I have to constantly use my head to tell myself that nothing is wrong, that I'm over analyzing, blowing things up and so on, but my feelings are so much stronger than my head. I'm not even sure what feelings I can trust. it's so hard to differentiate between the unreasonable and reasonable. I've just chosen to not trust any of my feelings but that means I also struggle with venting them out and resolving them. it builds up.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49860666]I wish there was a way to quickly fix your own insecurities. when it comes to social relations, I have to constantly use my head to tell myself that nothing is wrong, that I'm over analyzing, blowing things up and so on, but my feelings are so much stronger than my head. I'm not even sure what feelings I can trust. it's so hard to differentiate between the unreasonable and reasonable. I've just chosen to not trust any of my feelings but that means I also struggle with venting them out and resolving them. it builds up.[/QUOTE] You're suffering because of a natural need to become someone. No one can see your feelings, you're not wrong to express them, people will always validate them if you do, and if they don't, they're idiots. Love your mind, especially your sufferings, because they teach you about life. You learn more about yourself the less you think about yourself and when you've stopped thinking, purpose will rise.

Well all of my most personal possessions are going to be given to goodwill on saturday, because they're all being stored at my sisters apartment since I was homeless. None of my family give a shit enough to drive 15 and 30 minutes respectively to pick my stuff up even though I've been asking them since december. My dad even told me "They're just things, you're doing fine without them right now right?" then hung up the phone on me, I have over 3000 dollars worth of my stuff there, and the only clothes I owned that still fit me. To top it all off, I dropped my phone today and the screen broke. Fuck my life, seriously fuck every minute I am awake on this shitty planet

Might lose my job over the coming few weeks. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

If anyone remembers me posting some while ago I'm doing better, I take medication on bad days and with emotional support from my girlfriend I'm improving, I hope things are getting /will get better for you guys too. My anxiety has been going up recently because of the upcoming election. I'm worried about the immigration policies, half my family are immigrants and my girlfriend is here on the dream act. So my fear of losing her is slowly going up as the days go by.

Idk I'll be super depressed if trump, Cruz, or Hillary wins. Bernie or bust.

I think I'll start going out of my way to [i]not[/i] have to live at my father's apartment. I'm pretty much forced to live there almost every other week, with my mother leaving her apartment often, forcing me out. to start with, everything's pretty much never cleaned. I don't think there are any floors that have been cleaned in recent months. I can't ever remember being comfortable trying to sleep in the beds I have had there. now, what's made me want to make this post is what my father just did to his cat, and me subsequently losing my shit. basically, he by force pushed her towards the piss-stain she'd left on a floor mat in my room, thinking it would discipline her into stopping pissing outside her indoors toilet. I don't think that's right, and it's what made me lose my shit and close myself into our bathroom. I'm now in my room, and I'll stop separating myself when I'm done writing this post. I want my father to clean his apartment and handle his cat with respect.. [editline]4th March 2016[/editline] I think that I over-reacted slightly, but with my already-tense nature and shit that's pretty much always annoying me, it was practically natural..

My mother quit her job and I told her I would now be the only one paying rent + bills for the house we're sharing and it isn't fair for me to be the only one paying that and she flipped the fuck out at me. Jesus fucking Christ.

Every day feels like absolute dissatisfaction rather than a struggle now. It's no longer desperation, now I just hate existing

[QUOTE=Ridley;49866748]Every day feels like absolute dissatisfaction rather than a struggle now. It's no longer desperation, now I just hate existing[/QUOTE] If you keep going there's a point where you give so little shits that you don't even have that feeling any more. I've been there and am there mostly.

[QUOTE=gnampf;49866515]My mother quit her job and I told her I would now be the only one paying rent + bills for the house we're sharing and it isn't fair for me to be the only one paying that and she flipped the fuck out at me. Jesus fucking Christ.[/QUOTE] To be honest, if that was me I would just threaten to move out then.

It's weird some days I'm fine Some days I just feel nothing at all like, NOTHING at all, as if this life isn't even real and I'm just observing someone else going through the motions

Would you like some perspective on suffering? I currently use drugs to such an excessive amount that I've been outside, visiting my girl, visiting my friends, getting a hold of more drugs. My relatives considered calling the police so they can find me and escort me to the psychiatric ward. But in my intoxicated state I sent a text message to my mom insulting her on such a deep level that she doesn't see me as her son anymore and doesn't care about my well-being. I have Asperger Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and Atypical Depression. I've been in and out of the hospital over 10 times the last half year. Sometimes I'm so suicidal I take an overdose of my medication, I wake up in the intensive care unit. Sometimes I'm so manic that I barely understand the surrounding environment and 4 police officers have to escort me to the hospital. I haven't payed my rent or any of my bills for half a year. I'm not scared of death. Not anymore. Right at this moment I can't even do my laundry, do my dishes or even clean my apartment. My life, is a roller-coaster between the most extremes of experiencing suffering and pleasure.

Anybody feel anxious at the thought of having to do something, ending up not doing it because of the anxiety, feel more anxious later because i didn't do it, and feel as if i should, and never get around to do it because the anxiety is now twice what it was earlier because holy shit this is fucking awful, i've never felt this way before and then i get anxious at the thought of telling anybody, and asking for help because i think they're just going to call me lazy, but in the end if i was only lazy why would i have come to you for help, even lazy people don't want to feel this way, or they'll tell me "just do it" but it's like "don't you think i've tried?" it's almost unbearable, i feel as if i could shoot myself(i won't etc, but it feels as if i've given up hope on doing anything i've dreamed about because of this) it feels like procrastination, but to an immense degree of if i force myself to pick up the work i want to slam my head on the desk and stare blankly at a screen while scrolling it up and down, refreshing the same pages over and over, having nothing change and my mind pretending that is a stimulus of me getting something done, and i'm totally conscious of myself doing this, yet i keep doing it over and over again anyways because the thought of actually doing something is making me feel anxious, so despite my will fighting for me to do [I]ANYTHING[/I] it ends up losing out to some stupid irrational fear of nothing i hate self diagnosing as well, so i don't think that i have any anxiety disorder or anything like that, i still function fine outside of doing actual work, but holy shit it gets to points where i can barely see straight, and I seriously can't sleep at night

I get anxious feelings but those are caused by my meds and go away once I get stuff done. If it's a big enough problem where it's interfering with daily life go see a psychiatrist or something of the similar.

I just spent nearly 2 weeks in a treatment facility for under 18 year olds and I was doing okay until I got home, I don't even know if it helped at all. They did change my medication though. [editline]5th March 2016[/editline] I was suicidal if it wasn't obvious enough

It won't help if you go back to your old ways, I'd guess they tried to teach you something.

god some days it's like trying to scratch an itch you just can't reach, only a hundred times worse seems like there's just no escaping this fucking constant dullness, I just want to be excited by SOMETHING, fucking anything, but nothing works [editline]5th March 2016[/editline] basically the extent of my coping mechanisms is "I want to kill myself but instead I'm going to sleep and consider it again tomorrow"

I feel like I'm back to my loneliness now. yet again, I've lost that couple who loves to argue and the girl I don't really like hanging out with disappeared. the girl I'm dating has become really awkward to hang out with, things don't feel right. now I'm stuck with a single friend who is often busy and likes to take things at her own pace, asking her to hang out never works. shit fuck

If my friends or anyone else like me makes a mistake, they're forgiven because "It's a mistake", if I make a mistake I'm punished and yelled at because I'm stupid, I don't listen, I forget to pay more attention, I'm irresponsible. Everyone can come to me and ask me for a favor and I'm forced to serve them, I don't know why but ever since I was a kid it always seemed like the solely purpose of my existence is serving other people and try not to get mad when they call me constantly for anything. If I fail to other people, no matter how much I have helped them, if I fail them just once, they'll always remember it and will refuse to help me or probably ignore me next time I need their help. I rarely do things expecting something in return, all I expect is respect. That's all I want and I feel terrible when no matter how much effort I put in not getting mad, in listening, in paying attention, in following orders, in mentally preparing myself to drop whatever I'm doing to do what other people tell me, when they don't do something as simple as respecting me even after I've helped them for a long time, I feel like if they just stole something from me. Trying to be with people is like some kind of game. If I bend over to help them a lot it looks bad, because if I do it constantly they'll keep asking me to do more things for them, but if I don't help them in certain moments, then you're fucked because they'll never forgive you for it. If I'm too nice (which I personally hate), I look weak. If I'm serious all time people think I want to kill them or think I'm a psychopath because obviously, if you're helped constantly by someone who never speaks then they're probably into something. If I try not to give a fuck I look edgy and like "a dick", cruel and I'm annoying. People who know me say "Why do you care so much about what people thinks about you?", they can say that because they obviously don't know what it feels to have no one care about you, what it feels to hang around with people but knowing in the very deep of yourself that they would replace you with someone better if they could. Sometimes I just wish I could just get killed already. I want someone to come and straight up kill me. I'm useless. I fuck over constantly, I try to improve but even at trying to improve I keep fucking over all time and have to start over again and again and again. Just take me away from my suffering, I was a mistake, find some guy to take my place and they'll probably do better, they'll remember to smile all day, they'll probably listen more than I do, they'll probably won't care for themselves and will care more for what people around me truly want. What I think doesn't matter nor does what I say or do. I don't have anything "amazing" to give like all my friends do, I don't have a super "ability" or anything, I'm useful but I don't deserve being treated as a human being if I'm not good at something like the other people, other people can give something good and that's why they deserve a place, but I don't so I don't deserve shit, I need to earn things and give people reasons and reasons because I'm just not good enough.

I don't even know what makes me happy. what makes me happy is being constantly busy but is that really happiness? its hard being busy all the time when all I have is a single friend, I can't be with her 24/7. I don't even know if it's possible to fix me anymore. my life is just a huge problem, its been that way all the way. maybe the problems are so ingrained into my personality that I can't remove them? killllllll meeeee [editline]5th March 2016[/editline] I don't even want to vent. I just want to scream, yell, swear, tell everyone to go to hell, but what does that accomplish. hey, today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow, right? one day at the time? I try so hard to remain optimistic, but hey, these feelings just scream "FUCK YOU BRAIN AND GENERAL WELL BEING, FUUUCK YOU". will I even be able to make friends? maybe I'm too introverted to make any friends? maybe my personality is the kind that works best when alone? well that fucking sucks because I have an insane need to be social, I love being social, why can't my personality reflect that and make my feelings happy? I just want to tell everyone to fuck off and return to isolation but I don't know what I prefer. do I prefer stability at constant sadness and depression or do I prefer constant mood swings that can't be easily predicated? right now, I just want constant stability at sadness but I know I'll miss the good times. I'll miss being social. there's no good solution. maybe life just fucking sucks overall, maybe everyone thinks life sucks but are stuck in their own little illusion that life is okay? I'm probably wrong, I can think that life can be okay, I've been there, but I honestly don't understand how ANYONE can find life to be okay. I've cried so much today, I can't remember last time I cried. I feel so awful for my friend who had to keep me company while I was crying. why does life suck so much, I can't remember the last time I felt this way. sure, I've been depressed but right now I just want to say fuck you to everything. last night I was wondering if I should have just thrown myself out of the car but I couldn't bring that onto the people I was sharing the car with. today I had the same thought, but yet again, I don't want anyone to witness it. [editline]5th March 2016[/editline] like okay, I can totally get behind the fact that there are people out there that I'd match perfectly with but hey, 7 billion people? what are my chances of meeting these people? how do you even connect with people when your social circle is basically non existent or full of people who are like minded? [editline]5th March 2016[/editline] anything that is good won't last. anything that is negative won't last. life will never be perfect. there'll always be something. you could live the "perfect" life and still be jealous of others who don't because they have values you don't have. likewise, someone could look at you and be jealous for the exact same reason. the grass is always greener on the other side. this is a fact I don't like. I don't want any pain in my life. I have too high expectations

I've just come to terms with the fact that I don't really feel strong emotion about anything I dunno, it's kind of nice but also kind of weird.

lots of words from me tonight but man do I wish this feeling of everything being unreal would pass. maybe it'd allow me to fight anxiety more since it'd actually let me feel my emotions proper, maybe it'd be easier to know what to do. I don't know, maybe it wouldn't help at all but at the very least, removing this feeling would make life a little better. fuck chronic depersonalization

[QUOTE=PredGD;49874200]anything that is good won't last. anything that is negative won't last. life will never be perfect. there'll always be something. you could live the "perfect" life and still be jealous of others who don't because they have values you don't have. likewise, someone could look at you and be jealous for the exact same reason. the grass is always greener on the other side. this is a fact I don't like. I don't want any pain in my life. I have too high expectations[/QUOTE] What is a perfect life? You said it yourself, nothing lasts and clinging to circumstances is as much pain as expecting circumstances. Training your mind to be aware of the moment-to-moment experience is a path towards peace.

Wake up, take a shower, go to work. Try to not be too awkward in social situations. Come home, mom tells me to quit smoking. Go to room, play video games or masturbate, go to bed, repeat.