Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Perhaps it's just because I'm losing my hair, but every time I think about the future I just seems depressing. Do you think about the following year and how depressed you'll be then?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49878952]Perhaps it's just because I'm losing my hair, but every time I think about the future I just seems depressing. Do you think about the following year and how depressed you'll be then?[/QUOTE]I can't help but think about next year at college. If I don't get better by then I'll be just useless. And it's not looking like I'll get better.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49878952]Perhaps it's just because I'm losing my hair, but every time I think about the future I just seems depressing. Do you think about the following year and how depressed you'll be then?[/QUOTE] Nope I think the next year will be even better or more fun. It's all uncertain so might as well go at with a positive outlook.

I have so much to do and I've put it all off till today because I am literal human garbage What is wrong with me and why hasn't someone killed me yet because that's all I deserve

I posted it in the social advice thread too but figured I'd toss it here as well since it's relevant. the girl I was dating is a girl I'm no longer dating. we met today and she was too unsure about it to the point where she'd rather drop it than to spend more time figuring out if it was something she wanted. I wanted to continue but I fully understand her. we agreed that we'd probably function well as friends which is a thought I share, but we'll see how that works. I'm not sure if it'll work yet but I'll figure that out. I notice I still have feelings there so eh. so with that said, I now feel very, very lonely. it didn't really hit that hard, I mean I'm a little upset, but I was really unsure myself and never got the chance to properly connect with her. what bothers me now is that I don't really have a person I can meet often anymore which means I'll sit more alone again. I'll miss the cuddling, the kissing, the sex, but it might be wrong to pursue her since I'm not sure if I miss her or just that closeness. I don't really feel I'm the person who is able to form friendships. I observe others and see them talking, but I have no idea how to stay in the conversation and I feel people often go quiet when I'm with them alone. I'll give myself that, at the very least I'm not that awkward person, but I just don't know what to talk about with others. I can handle conversations pretty well when I first meet a new person, there's lots of basic things to talk about, but once I get to know them? how do I converse? I really don't feel like I fit in anywhere. with that said, there HAS to be people out there that I would match perfectly with but how do I find these people? I'm way too reliant on others including me so when they don't, I'll have an awful time. or I suppose it depends on the mood. when I first went out to town today to meet the girl I was dating to talk, I went to meet a group of people that usually hangs around when she left. I felt happy, confident, was able to talk and include myself, but after that? I got burnt out so fast. I really don't think the environment I'm in is a place where I fit in. [editline]6th March 2016[/editline] I don't know where to start really. should I expose myself more to social situations to gradually increase my conversation skills or should I work with myself to become a more confident person? I suppose I could do both at the same time, hit the gym or something, but I'm not sure if I'm able to really.

my eyES ARE PUFFING UP AGAIN i hate my allergies so much please kill me, i dont want to go to the urgent care center for the fourth time this year please

I've been thinking some more and I think I know the words to describe my situation somewhat. that I don't have a personality. it's exaggerated since duh, of course I have a personality, there's not a single person on earth who lacks one, but I just feel that my personality is so lackluster that I would consider it non existent. I have zero interests, there's nothing that piques my internet, I find things people talk about to be boring, and I have nothing of myself to share.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49878979]I can't help but think about next year at college. If I don't get better by then I'll be just useless. And it's not looking like I'll get better.[/QUOTE] You can always take a year off before going to school if you don't think you're ready. I wish I would have done that. :frown:

[QUOTE=kijji;49881022]You can always take a year off before going to school if you don't think you're ready. I wish I would have done that. :frown:[/QUOTE] I'm not sure, it can be very individual. I took that one year off with the intention of going back to school once I got better, and hey, I've gone 5 years with no school now. at least for me, breaks don't always help. it can be a good short term relief but then you suddenly realize it's much harder to get back into it compared to just staying and doing it. happened with my adventures at the gym too, it was zero sweat to go, but then I started taking off days and now I haven't worked out for 3 months. I can imagine some people might benefit from breaks but then you sure as hell gotta have that extra willpower required to kick yourself back into it.

It helps to take a year off to focus on getting a job or something.

I've been out of college for 2 years and I'm very confused on what I wanna do. Wouldn't mind going to school in Boston but fuck actually putting any effort into research.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49880630]I have so much to do and I've put it all off till today because I am literal human garbage What is wrong with me and why hasn't someone killed me yet because that's all I deserve[/QUOTE] You're experiencing stress, unfortunately this is taking a toll on your self-esteem. Sometimes we have expectations about ourselves that if shattered, we think there is a problem with who we are. Recognize you are not a problematic individual, this is a circumstantial occurrence created out of the environment, because it is outside of your control. Relaxing again can simply mean accepting that everything is out of control, because that reinforces the integrity of your mind.

[QUOTE=kijji;49881078]I've been out of college for 2 years and I'm very confused on what I wanna do. Wouldn't mind going to school in Boston but fuck actually putting any effort into research.[/QUOTE] Homie, Boston sucks, and is only good if you've got the money and can withstand the winters. Fuck Massachusetts. Yeah Massachusetts is very "educated" but tbh in most cases, a degree is a degree. But if you end up going to MA, swing by Nantucket island, Martha's vineyard's lesser known sister island, maybe you'll see me laying bricks and shoveling dirt, I'll buy you a coffee from cumby's since we don't have Dunkin donuts or other chain places on the island. [editline]7th March 2016[/editline] Also Massachusetts in general is a very stagnating and difficult place to live unless you're a doctor, lawyer, or other important kind of person. Unless you're a fisherman or some sort of construction worker, in that case you'd thrive in a suburb of Boston like glochester or rock port...Or if you like to live on the dangerous side, try Medford, Lynn, Peabody, revere, Salem, or swampscott; aka the ghetto of Massachusetts. Unless you plan on becoming a fancy doctor, politician, or a lawyer, I'd say steer clear of Boston. You'd have better luck, and save more money getting a degree at any other college. [editline]7th March 2016[/editline] Massachusetts is so bad, I devoted years of my life trying to escape it. And now that I did, I unfortunately have to go back and rely on my grandpa for a place to live and my uncle for a job. (If I haven't already mentioned this, I'm gonna be working for his landscaping company.) [editline]7th March 2016[/editline] Massachusetts is so bad, I devoted years of my life trying to escape it. And now that I did, I unfortunately have to go back and rely on my grandpa for a place to live and my uncle for a job. (If I haven't already mentioned this, I'm gonna be working for his landscaping company.)

its preeetty odd what our mind does to us. my situation is literally unchanged right now, but I feel fine? I feel pretty alright? nothing feels wrong right now? at this very moment, I feel like I could change my life for the better in just minutes. I've always known this but I suppose its easy to forget, but its crazy how much our thoughts affect our happiness. things are pretty shitty right now so it's not actually "normal" of me to be so calm and okay, but I am. perception man. life is what we make it. is this happiness? just being okay, not bothered by anything, and just content? perhaps that is happiness, just being content? or maybe it's the same shit, I might be rambling right now. I did actually write that I would be content with no social life as long as I did something everyday but I had to erase that as I know I'd get totally fucked if I had no social life. but I could improve stuff by starting to do something everyday, like hitting the gym again. that'd do wonders for my happiness.

Then what else is there for me to do? I'm worthless otherwise.

Why was that post a duplicate??! W/e...

shit, I was such a big idiot for dropping out of the gym. why did I do that? I remember feeling super distressed when I first got out of isolation since I had nothing to do with my days. I'd get stressed about my social situation, I'd get depressed since I was alone, so I figured, fuck it I'll hit the gym. those months, best months of my LIFE. I gotta go back

[QUOTE=kijji;49881622]Then what else is there for me to do? I'm worthless otherwise.[/QUOTE] Well, what do you want to be? Do you have any interests?? If not, try a vocational college maybe??? I'm not certain. I don't know what I want to be so I'm just taking odd jobs and saving money, I actually kindof like it this way tbh... I mean my dream would be to become a director or a film producer or something like that. Maybe even a politician, but that's just dreaming.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49881636]Well, what do you want to be? Do you have any interests?? If not, try a vocational college maybe??? I'm not certain. I don't know what I want to be so I'm just taking odd jobs and saving money, I actually kindof like it this way tbh... I mean my dream would be to become a director or a film producer or something like that. Maybe even a politician, but that's just dreaming.[/QUOTE] Only thing that I know is that I wanna move to Sweden and have a family, idk what I want to be exactly

I don't feel so good.

Someone who was just an internet acquaintance I met from a TF2 team has depression, and I gave some advice to someone else that, let's just say was inadvertently bad news for them, and I felt terrible. I tried to help them out afterwards, but they were saying that no one really is their friend, anyone just pities them and I hate to say it but that's exactly what I'm doing. I thought being honest was the best course of action, so I said I'd be there for them, but I really just didn't think we would be friends, we were just different types of people, and that was entirely true as far as I could tell. They said they didn't hate me for that "bad news" happening for them, that they're used to everything sucking and that seems worse than them just hating me. Was all of this a huge mistake, should I have done something differently, or should I do something more?

[QUOTE=Darth_Toast;49882729]I really just didn't think we would be friends, we were just different types of people, and that was entirely true as far as I could tell.[/QUOTE] I guess it depends how different you make eachother out to be. At the end of the day you could say you're friends with someone at work, but you might not want to hang out with them outside of work because you don't play the same games. Maybe one of you is active and outgoing and the other is reclusive and physically neutral. A lot of things make us feel more welcome to talk to someone in our recreational time. I think, though, that its possible to form a friendship with anybody that is willing to also share it. I think you could be friends with this individual, but they're in a state of mind that leaves their personality seeming off or stale. Its a two way effort, and thats a really hard effort to even see possible if the person you're talking with doesn't have a healthy/positive engagement towards activities. Especially with trying or learning new stuff.

so I just hit a slump of self-sabotaging behaviors, pulled myself back out now, but damn.. I really gotta learn to recognize the patterns and my reactions to things so I can proactively try and break the cycle, the plus side is, this time, I didn't end up throwing all my money away, though I did pretty much use up all of my 'expendable' money that I had budgeted for, I didn't dig into the essentials, and still have room to get a small pool of savings going by the end of the month so I can get out of the paycheck to paycheck trap the downside is, I fell into another binge episode with my medication, the other slip ups more or less just directly contributed to the justification of binging, because I was in a state of heavy self-loathing thing is, the binge seems to have shaken me up and made me realize what i'm doing to myself, which always happens when I go on a binge, but my binges aren't very frequent, though if it's not medication it'd be alcohol or something it's almost like the binge behavior it self is a habitual safety net that's indiscriminate to substance, in that I know it'll cost me, but it feels like.. if I go on a binge, then things can't really get much worse from there, because it brute forces me into a position of self-awareness towards the pattern when I pull up, it's like the easiest way to apparently 'break out' it, only, to say it'd break it would be incorrect because it's very much a part of the pattern, and at this stage it'd be more appropriate to call it the reset point, the start of a new run through the cycle the binges aren't truly useful, they're terrible for my health, they rob me of functional days, and it's bordering on addiction (something i've struggled with in the past), the reason why I don't want to define it as an addiction is that it's not always in that 'addiction' state, most of the time i'm fully in control of my medication use, then on the off situation, it gets me (seemingly) out of no where, but now i'm starting to notice there's a pattern to when it hits the problem.. more so the struggle with getting better at recognizing the pitfalls is as i'm always just 'doing me', as in, doing whatever it is I do, it's hard to identify that i'm phasing from a good state to a state of self-loathing, it's a very subtle shift that hits me like a train out of nowhere once it accumulates to a certain point, then I could know i'm fully in it, but i'll actively engage in self-sabotage further due to the self-loathing... but as I don't want to be deepening the cycle, my safety net response is to go on a binge, and 'reset' in a sense it's a wild ride, i'll tell ya what, if I can break the pattern i'm in then maybe, just maybe, all that 'potential' that I have will become true momentum, an actual future of realized potential, instead of just being wasted away anyway i'm only posting this here because in the past this is very much the same kind of pattern that's led to some of my deeper states of depression arising, but it's something i've been trying to change and work at for a while now, maybe i've just been looking at it from the wrong angle; in that I kept thinking the binging it self was something inherently wrong with me, that i'd never learn my lesson, something I couldn't change that's destined to repeat indefinitely, however, in realizing it's a more of a reactionary state as opposed to an actively engaging state, maybe there is hope, either way it's gonna take work, but I was trying to minimize my risk of going on binges through further safety nets (as if that would ever work) as opposed to dealing with the problems that lead to me going on binges, if that makes sense

[QUOTE=Solodris;49882682]I don't feel so good.[/QUOTE] Yeah, I've been awake for two days on shooting up speed, I've been eating 22 xanax during the last 12 hours, haven't eaten in 2 days and I have to go visit my therapist in 3 hours. Maybe talking to him won't be as unpleasant as I imagined, I trust him, he's a cool guy. Let's just hope he doesn't react to the puncture marks over my veins. Okay, goals: Go and buy some food and eat, drink an energy drink, take a small dosage of speed so I can maintain a coherent conversation and smoke a cigarette. [editline]7th March 2016[/editline] So... I just came back from the store and I can't walk straight. [editline]7th March 2016[/editline] You know what? I feel fine.

[QUOTE=Solodris;49883466]Yeah, I've been awake for two days on shooting up speed[/QUOTE] um [QUOTE=Solodris;49883466]I've been eating 22 xanax during the last 12 hours, haven't eaten in 2 days[/quote] uhhh [QUOTE=Solodris;49883466] take a small dosage of speed[/quote] maybe don't do that

[QUOTE=Solodris;49883466]Yeah, I've been awake for two days on shooting up speed, I've been eating 22 xanax during the last 12 hours, haven't eaten in 2 days and I have to go visit my therapist in 3 hours. Maybe talking to him won't be as unpleasant as I imagined, I trust him, he's a cool guy. Let's just hope he doesn't react to the puncture marks over my veins. Okay, goals: Go and buy some food and eat, drink an energy drink, take a small dosage of speed so I can maintain a coherent conversation and smoke a cigarette. [editline]7th March 2016[/editline] So... I just came back from the store and I can't walk straight. [editline]7th March 2016[/editline] You know what? I feel fine.[/QUOTE] Go to sleep. Drugs won't make things better. [editline]speed is bad mkay[/editline] Actually, maybe you should go to the therapist in 2 hours from now or whenever. He might be able to get you hydrated and into a 2 day detox facility.

I think it's over.. There's nothing I want more than just to be dead...

My current situation of addiction was derived from circumstantial problems, they're gone now. So I'm going to taper off and pursue other behaviors and remain drug-free until I can get my ADHD-medication. Meditation is pretty useful. But I need one small fix to be able to stay awake during talking to my therapist today. They're going to give me amphetamine after a period of being free from drugs anyway. I can do this. I'm also going to start taking my bipolar and anti-depressant medication again. [editline]7th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=GoldAssassin;49883731]I think it's over.. There's nothing I want more than just to be dead...[/QUOTE] Life is suffering, embrace it. Because when you experience impermanence and see the opposite side of these feelings, you might just realize that being aware of the moment-to-moment phenomenon teaches you about the path of life. Much kindness.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49881632]shit, I was such a big idiot for dropping out of the gym. why did I do that? I remember feeling super distressed when I first got out of isolation since I had nothing to do with my days. I'd get stressed about my social situation, I'd get depressed since I was alone, so I figured, fuck it I'll hit the gym. those months, best months of my LIFE. I gotta go back[/QUOTE] It's literally never too late, go out and do it

Just came back from therapy. He wanted me to go to the hospital, but we talked and decided to make a new appointment in a couple of days just to see how I'm doing. I'm pretty much spiritually convicted to be clean for 3 months so that I can get permanent amphetamine treatment. I like how he always compliments me by saying I'm wise and knowledgeable.