Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=DELL;49879233]Nope I think the next year will be even better or more fun. It's all uncertain so might as well go at with a positive outlook.[/QUOTE]But uncertainty is a bad thing, it means every thing will turn out much worse than we'd like it to, it means thinks won't go according to plan.

[QUOTE=phygon;49883870]It's literally never too late, go out and do it[/QUOTE] Might be money issues. That's it for me at least. I'm living paycheck to paycheck, unable to save any money. Buying a membership for the gym seems like an impossible luxury to me right now. :/

i miss having a girlfriend so fucking much born to be lonely haha fuck my genes fuck this redneck shithole i'm forced to call a "home" fuck the inbred little shits i had to spend elementary school with fuck my life [B]FUCK EVERYTHING[/B]

today has been alright? I think a girl has a crush on me which surprises me somewhat, too bad she's pretty weird and I don't really like her kind of type, but hey, someone likes me? she tends to join me whenever I go to the store to buy something, when I fetch food, for smoke breaks, takes the initiative for a lot of physical contact and seems to like being around me a lot. another girl also seems pretty flirty and spent literally a few hours on my lap while holding around me and taking the initiative for some light cuddling. asked for my number at the end of the day too. yet again, she doesn't seem like my type but hey, people like me?? she also said a few things and seemed really embarrassed after. when I went to get a kebab she went with me and wanted a bite. I gave her it and she didn't give it back and ended up just feeding me. then she told me she fed me since that made people bond. it would make the person who was being fed to start liking the person who fed them according to her. she also hinted at wanting to come to my place when I left and she got really embarrassed when I directly asked if she wanted to come and took it back, said she said a lot of weird things and got visibly uncomfortable. I mean, heyy, it's pretty cool that people are flirting and I can't tell for sure if they actually like me or not but that's my impression.

I wish people liked me like that. At this point, I've sort of accepted that people just may never like me in that way, at least not anyone who's close.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;49886109]I wish people liked me like that. At this point, I've sort of accepted that people just may never like me in that way, at least not anyone who's close.[/QUOTE] I still feel this way even though I sort of experience that people like me, but my head might be wrong. I always comfort myself with that there HAS to be someone out there that matches with anyone, even the most weird people (not implying you're weird, just that everyone has someone out there), so don't lose hope! gotta vent some about my friend too. I just find it so incredibly annoying and frustrating that she shows no appreciation of me helping her out. I see her logic but at the same time I don't see her logic since personally I stop way before reaching the point she does since I know it's wrong. when she's down, she always vents to me about the most basic things that I can't do anything about. like, I'm hungry, I'll just sit alone at home all day, I'm so lonely, oh I'm nearly throwing up out of hunger, and so on. I feel like she uses everything negative, makes stuff even more negative, then uses it as a tool to garner sympathy. I can tell her it might be a good idea to eat, her response would be she can't be arsed and that she wants to get slimmer anyway despite how much she knows it's a terrible idea when thinking of her way of doing it, starvation. earlier for example she opened the conversation with that she don't want to meet me at all this week since she felt so depressed and felt a need to be alone. she told me she can't go to me everytime she has issues since her impression was that it exhausted me. then she goes on and says "so I'll just lie here all week instead :)". I feel like she's trying to put blame on me somewhat, that I'm not there for her even when I do everything I can? I suppose I understand her somewhat, I just don't agree or understand fully since this is not how I'd act. when my mood drops, I don't start wallowing in self pity I feel, I try to figure out what I can do to get better. if this is true or not from an outside perspective, I can't tell, but it's my impression of how I handle shit. she brings up every single negative thing there is, even if irrelevant, brushes me off when I try to help, is really short, and when the conversation somewhat ends she just comes with a new, irrelevant but negative thing to get my attention again. I feel like I do a lot for her but get nothing back when I for example am down which I very rarely show to others.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49884443]But uncertainty is a bad thing, it means every thing will turn out much worse than we'd like it to, it means thinks won't go according to plan.[/QUOTE] For me personally 9/10 times something uncertain comes up and it goes in my favor. Nothing ever goes according to plan that's why you just keep revising it as new problems show up.

Happyness is like a cheeseburger, the more you eat, the less you want to eat it. So you have to eat a BigMac instead.

Am I a bad person if I don't want to stay in contact with my family? I'm such an empty person I can't find the motivation. Christmas, Thanksgiving, other holidays and social obligations just seem so meaningless and I can't be bothered. I'd rather be left to my own devices. It takes a tremendous amount of energy just going to work and socializing with my coworkers or going out to hang with my small circle of friends, and I still regularly neglect and blow them off.

I wonder what change I really need in my life. what is actually the main problem? is there something that drags me more down than other things? is it a big mix of problems all with somewhat the same intensity? I mean the social stuff usually drags me down. I need to be social, I need people close, someone to do shit with often. whats wrong here? I have few people around me. how do I fix that? I find new people, but I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. this makes me wonder if I'm too socially "incompetent" to really function decently enough with people. not awkward, just quiet and not sure how to tackle social situations. with that out of the way, I feel like I need to work with myself to further improve my image of myself. I could begin working out again, but is there a guarantee that it'll really make me better? what if it's all in my head? what if I never reach the point where I'm happy with my progress? what if the change needs to happen elsewhere to improve my mental state? okay, so that's an option. somehow figure out how to function better socially. I'm not sure if it's really possible, some people are just quiet naturally. maybe I'm one of them. is it possible to change a personality trait like that after your personality has developed? another option is to discover new things to keep myself busy. to be honest, I don't really think that's an option. I enjoy being social too much to really let go of it but at the same time I don't feel like I tackle them properly. [editline]8th March 2016[/editline] I'm not really sure what made those months so great. was it that surge of motivation to get better after having struggled for so long, was it that I was often busy socially, was it the supplements I took, was it because I worked out, what was it? [editline]8th March 2016[/editline] I honestly feel like the first place I have to start is my sleep. I'm not sure if I'm able to deal with that on my own though but what options do I have? the only thing that has worked is excessive amounts of sleeping pills to the point of blacking out and finally passing out. weed has also worked since it knocks me out but I don't think I'll be able to afford smoking weed every single day. [editline]8th March 2016[/editline] 60$ worth of weed lasted me 4 days. that's 465$ worth of weed a month just for sleep. expensive

Yeah, I wonder what change I need in my life too.

went to the urgent care and the doctor didnt goddamn renew my prescription for this steroid cream which is the only thing that brings me relief so now i have to wait for this steroid shot to kick in fully while feeling like i need to tear my face off

My Dad is an alcoholic, smoker, and gambler; he's separated from my Mum (has been for over 15 years) but developed most of those issues during the separation; it was a real fucked up experience (but I was only 5 or 6). My sister and I see him infrequently, and always in a public spot because his place is a shithole (from what he's told us). He spent quite a fair chunk of his paycheck helping us financially, as my mum is having trouble looking for a job due to some mental illness stigma bullshit. Last Saturday, we went and saw him. He was drunk as fuck, sitting on a bus stop bench, and told us in no few words how he lost his job and could no longer support us financially any more. Through his drunk speech, which was still coherent (even though he repeated himself a lot), he affirmed how he'd 'get his job back' and how things would be fine. Despite this, my sister and I were really crushed by this revelation, and left really worried about him. Thankfully, my sister is commencing her PhD this year and getting a scholarship of sorts, which should help out a little bit - I'm a final year undergraduate uni student and so my only option is to work more to hold things up in the household (considering holding on to two casual jobs instead of one). I don't know how things will be on the money front, but I know we're not completely fucked. It's gonna be really hard to keep surviving though. The real issue is that my dad hasn't called (it's been 3 days) and we're pretty worried about him. We don't know the exact spot he lives (as he never showed us the actual apartment door), nor have any form of phone or email to contact him with. I feel completely stuck, and I have no way to resolve the issue other than wait for him to call. If he's in a bad way (alcoholism + unemployment is a deadly mix) then I have no means of helping him. I'm just trying to focus on uni and wait for his call, but it's really getting hard not to worry. Thanks for reading guys, I just need to vent and maybe seek some advice as to what to do. I'm pretty tired so I probably left out some details.

Everything is going to shit at work for me at the moment. Making silly little mistakes, creating shit artwork. I just feel really low at the moment and my mind can't seem to concentrate on anything. What is going on? I hope this is temporary.

[QUOTE=DELL;49887133]For me personally 9/10 times something uncertain comes up and it goes in my favor. Nothing ever goes according to plan that's why you just keep revising it as new problems show up.[/QUOTE] Whatever I plan or expect never comes to pass, at all, it's just random crap that is occasionally not boring. Perhaps it just comes down to me as a person, I'm someone who no matter how hard I try to do something, I don't progress, in other words, I lack the ability to learn properly and develop skills, bad genetics I guess. But whatever the reason, I still expect to improve, which is insane (doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity). In my entire life I've archived nothing, not matter how hard I try to pursue my interests. Nothing good happens, shit just gets worse and worse. I want to take nootroptics so I can beat the cruse of my faulty genetics, but people think that's a 'bad a idea' for whatever reason, but fuck it, I want to cheat life, until I do, there years will get worse and worse. In my mind accepting your flaws and place in the universe is tantamount to giving up.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49891646]Whatever I plan or expect never comes to pass, at all, it's just random crap that is occasionally not boring. Perhaps it just comes down to me as a person, I'm someone who no matter how hard I try to do something, I don't progress, in other words, I lack the ability to learn properly and develop skills, bad genetics I guess. But whatever the reason, I still expect to improve, which is insane (doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity). In my entire life I've archived nothing, not matter how hard I try to pursue my interests. Nothing good happens, shit just gets worse and worse. I want to take nootroptics so I can beat the cruse of my faulty genetics, but people think that's a 'bad a idea' for whatever reason, but fuck it, I want to cheat life, until I do, there years will get worse and worse. In my mind accepting your flaws and place in the universe is tantamount to giving up.[/QUOTE] As someone who has dealt with ADD and memory problems all their life, nootropics aren't the cure-all you're expecting. You can't just take pills to unfuck your brain; a lot of it comes down to making changes to your life and how you approach problems. Noot's can help you get there, but won't carry you there.

So in light of the last few days (I'm still celebrating that witch Nancy is dead) plus words and actions that happened both on off this site I have officially lost it. I did not want to into work Sunday night. I knew what was there. My coworkers. The people who openly say they hate me. The people who mock my single status. The people who say I look like a could molester. The people who punched me and were upset that the guy who did it wasn't promoted (and instead got a week off with pay before getting axed). Unlike facepunch they are the people I could not just [i]close the browser and move away from the keyboard.[/i] I quit. I did not even give two weeks notice. I stuffed my badge and a resignation letter in a blank envelope and delivered it to management. Even after I signed off on my exit forms and their repeated pleads to stay on I couldn't help as a grown person but cry and walk out for good. No more medical, dental or insurance benefits. No life insurance. No $1200 bonus cheque. No carefully planned overseas summer vacation. I walked away from it all. But I did not go home. 26, unemployed and living in you parents basement just was not what I wanted to continue doing. So here I am now with my car parked in an east Vancouver industrial area with a shaw hotspot. It's been my home now for the last two nights now. Given how I went to work in the middle of my week and never returned you would expect somene might noticed I vanished but nobody has sent a text. Nobody has called. As I expected I am truly on my own now. Here is to hoping I can find someone I used to know in town and hopefully at least have an income and a room before the end of the month. I know a few of you know I did this to myself and I admit. I just wanted to fit in somewhere and nothing ever worked. I'm sorry if I'm coming out as dramatic.

Tbh I never understood the stigma of moving back in with parents during a bout of unemployment. It might be a cultural thing here with Hispanic/Latino culture but while people DO strive to eventually move out and get their own place, there's nothing wrong with staying with your parents until you have a career or until you're married. I'm 24 and still at home with no ability to move out until I'm like 26 or so but there's literally nobody I know here who would question that. It's such a normal thing here. I would definitely go back to your parents' house. You'd have access to at least basic bathroom amenities and would likely have more resources to start looking for another job. Don't just sit in your car because you're embarrassed to ask for help.

Well sure, my parents want me to move out too. I think they're just more concerned that I'm gonna jump into it before I'm ready, so they encourage me to stay until I have everything in order and enough of an income to maintain a place of my own.

Is it normal that i want to die close to the grand exam that i will be decided whether or not i will go to a uni or not

Lmao my parents wanted me to stagnate and be a baby maker and a maid. Anything I wanted that wasn't to their liking was entitled "insane" etc. etc. same old shit. My story is far from over yet, and once again life is throwing more shit at me. I'm not surprised at this point... Remember when I said I might be living with my grandpa and landscaping for my uncle??! Well there's a chance that might not happen because my friend's mom, once again, is trying to screw me and my "friend" over again. (Because her mom seriously has some beef with me and her own daughter, part of it is homophobia, part of it is her misunderstanding, and part of it is her whack job beliefs, I'll explain later) I'm not scared, I'm a little pissed at the fact that I just spent some money on a plane ticket back to MA because it would be "the smart thing to do, leech off of family and get some money scraped up" but if my friend is going to be kicked out of her place because her mom can't grasp the fact that I am leaving (despite our attempts to contact and correct her) her mom keeps messaging their attorney and the attorney is withholding bill money and grocery money from my friend, when it is her money... It's a huge legal mess and now I've been dragged into it. I can't even tell you about what crooked shit this guy has done to my friend in the past. If she's gonna wind up homeless because of me visiting her, she's not going to face it alone. It's not our fault, it's a whole shitstorm and it's partially caused by miscommunication, manipulative parents, a bit of homophobia, and a crooked attorney. People who suffer from depression have to stay strong and kick depression in it's ass. Its hard, I know. Its very easy to slip back into a negative thought pattern. I've been able to keep my cool so far (for the most part) instead of breaking down just by trying super hard to focus on the moment, and not on the past, or the future. Just the moment. Take shit as it comes to you, shut those negative thoughts out by focusing your attention to other things, face the problem head on, and you'd be surprised how resourceful you can be in an emergency.

I started taking Adderall yesterday. I feel... Actually productive. I just wish I could have started taking this 12 years ago when it became clear there was a problem instead of getting told to pull up dem bootstraps and just do the work by the two people who were biologically obligated to help.

I'm still a very long way from genuinely caring about myself but at least the screaming furious hatred is down to occasional episodes. That probably just means I'll end up killing myself on a sudden whim, but it's a start :vs:

im getting sick and tired of feeling so fucking unmotivated and... deflated, i guess. like the world has lost meaning and stopped being interesting. can't even program shit for more than 5 minutes without losing focus [editline]8th March 2016[/editline] i wanna make a 3d version of risk of rain because im an unimaginative prick who lacks interesting ideas, so i figured doing that would introduce me to unitys work flow a little but i just cant [editline]8th March 2016[/editline] shit just feels like im going in fucking circles??? the psych hasn't called back since i forgot the appointment. its three to four weeks ago maybe i oughtta call them instead but it feels like it doesn't really help. maybe that's just some stupid shit that just arose in the back of my head. idk. im going to this symposium thing the school is organizing in a week its about autism and work i hope i can get to talk to someone. like a former classmate said, making a good network of connections is important i also feel very indifferent about nearly everything. the only reason I take showers is because I somehow managed to force myself to mmak it habitual even if it takes me an hour to get out of bed. sometimes i can sit behind the computer till 4 because i just don't feel the incentive to go to bed maybeits why i s wake up with headaches so often I don't like posting here because my shit feels stupidly childish compared to some of the horseshit you guys are going through and im sure i got lots of it to thank myself for so there's that i guess lol good night

Nervousness averted. Somehow luck has come to the rescue, that holiday is secured and now the meeting is basically pointless but still going to happen. Hoping it pays off and some policy changes at work thanks to some careful consideration comparing it to government policy. I'm not that important a person but feeling like being on a quest to change policy is enough to humour me at "just another office job" to keep me going :)

I'm sorry if this isnt the place, but my mother has been threatening to kill our pets and a while ago she told me I was an idiot. I just don't feel safe around her and I'm not sure what to do. [editline]8th March 2016[/editline] Also, I heard her saying that "When he leaves the house, I'll be screwed" She is poor and the only money we get is from Disability and child support, and from that I just think she has me around so she can get money until next year (which is when I turn 18) Sometimes she acts nice to me but when Im in another room, she is usually pissed off for strange reasons (getting mad when her favorite tv show isnt on, getting mad about what celebrities are doing, getting mad when a cat is around her) I really want to move in with my father. Id be able to go to an actual school (im at a cyber school right now, its bad) and I would be able to socialize with other people (im not allowed to see friends too often. i can only text them most of the time) [editline]8th March 2016[/editline] Its so fucking boring only being able to use a computer/play video games. I want to be able to go to a gym or play some kind of sport, but nope. Not allowed. She also gets angry at me when I put a fan on when its 80 degrees outside. We lived in the cold for most of our life, of course Im turning a fan on in 80 degree weather.

I'm concerned about a friend of mine and he isn't responding to me on any social medium, I don't want to seem clingy and annoying but I'm worried about him, he has pretty bad anxiety and depression and I'm concerned he's ignoring me. :s:

People just don't understand Bipolar Disorder. I haven't slept for 2 days, been drinking 8 beers to cope with being alive and people keep asking me to go to the hospital. I'm terrified to leave the apartment, my dealer needs to get me some pills to relax or the police will escort me to the hospital. What's going on?

[QUOTE=Weirdness;49891912]As someone who has dealt with ADD and memory problems all their life, nootropics aren't the cure-all you're expecting. You can't just take pills to unfuck your brain; a lot of it comes down to making changes to your life and how you approach problems. Noot's can help you get there, but won't carry you there.[/QUOTE]I have the will power, I'm just tired of my brain bouncing between interests, I just wanted to get at one thing at a time and be able to recall any learnt skill when necessary like normal people and not be interested in different things every other week. The only way I'm going to be happy is when I master the skills I want to master and have a career I'm proud of. And I mean all the skills, you only live once after all, so you either try to do everything you want to or you die with regrets. The only way I can accomplish anything let alone all of those things is with the aid of drugs. At the moment my intelligence is the same as every other person who sits at home Web trawling and thinks they know something but don't really. I really need these to get my career moving. [editline]10th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=pentium;49891954]So in light of the last few days (I'm still celebrating that witch Nancy is dead) plus words and actions that happened both on off this site I have officially lost it. I did not want to into work Sunday night. I knew what was there. My coworkers. The people who openly say they hate me. The people who mock my single status. The people who say I look like a could molester. The people who punched me and were upset that the guy who did it wasn't promoted (and instead got a week off with pay before getting axed). Unlike facepunch they are the people I could not just [i]close the browser and move away from the keyboard.[/i] I quit. I did not even give two weeks notice. I stuffed my badge and a resignation letter in a blank envelope and delivered it to management. Even after I signed off on my exit forms and their repeated pleads to stay on I couldn't help as a grown person but cry and walk out for good. No more medical, dental or insurance benefits. No life insurance. No $1200 bonus cheque. No carefully planned overseas summer vacation. I walked away from it all. But I did not go home. 26, unemployed and living in you parents basement just was not what I wanted to continue doing. So here I am now with my car parked in an east Vancouver industrial area with a shaw hotspot. It's been my home now for the last two nights now. Given how I went to work in the middle of my week and never returned you would expect somene might noticed I vanished but nobody has sent a text. Nobody has called. As I expected I am truly on my own now. Here is to hoping I can find someone I used to know in town and hopefully at least have an income and a room before the end of the month. I know a few of you know I did this to myself and I admit. I just wanted to fit in somewhere and nothing ever worked. I'm sorry if I'm coming out as dramatic.[/QUOTE]Well you did the right thing by quitting, nobody wants a group of brain dead life long failures to make fun of them at work for no reason. Look I hate living with my parents too, by you can't live out of car. Just move back until you find some other work.

Lost my job after contracting the flu and was unable to get a doctor's note. Yay.