Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49898274]I have the will power, I'm just tired of my brain bouncing between interests, I just wanted to get at one thing at a time and be able to recall any learnt skill when necessary like normal people and not be interested in different things every other week. The only way I'm going to be happy is when I master the skills I want to master and have a career I'm proud of. And I mean all the skills, you only live once after all, so you either try to do everything you want to or you die with regrets. The only way I can accomplish anything let alone all of those things is with the aid of drugs. At the moment my intelligence is the same as every other person who sits at home Web trawling and thinks they know something but don't really. I really need these to get my career moving. [/QUOTE] idk how many times I can possibly reiterate this for you but nootropics won't give u the motivation to do something with ur life [editline]9th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;49898768]Lost my job after contracting the flu and was unable to get a doctor's note. Yay.[/QUOTE] ??? What kind of job was this. That's garbage.

Was working furniture warehouse, but it doesn't really bug me all that much, more jobs around here that pay better.

I'm probably going to quit the internet and my computer for a while. Being depressed sucks but being depressed with an internet connection sucks more. Without my computer on I'm 3 times more productive and not half as braindead. I know people just say to use your computer less but it's become such an integral part of my life and I've become so dependant on it. I've practically started every day for the last 9 years by turning my computer on as soon as I wake up. Quick fixes of dopamine the entire day has completely fucked up my reward system and only going cold turkey can fix it. But the thing is, I've been telling myself these things every day for the last year, and I still can't follow through with it. At times I feel powerless. One day I'm going to pull this computer apart just so I can't use it anymore. Hopefully it will be soon. I'll miss videogames, I'll miss my friends, but honest to god I wont miss the person I am now.

Could ask someone to help you regulate your computer usage too. Or, if you're intent on stopping entirely, hold onto the tower for you at their house or something.

WHy can't I just live in the moment and enjoy what I have now? I'm always thinking ahead in the worst way where I'm not planning for the future, i'm just endlessly despairing about the future.

If I drink more and more caffine each day I can stop being tired all the time this works but it seems like it's a bad idea [editline]9th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=S31-Syntax;49893103]I started taking Adderall yesterday. I feel... Actually productive. I just wish I could have started taking this 12 years ago when it became clear there was a problem instead of getting told to pull up dem bootstraps and just do the work by the two people who were biologically obligated to help.[/QUOTE] Same dude, same. Adderall feels like I'm cheating at life, but then you realize that working while on it is just how everyone else can get shit done that you've just had a problem doing the whole time.

Feeling a little worried about the Fall. I have a class on Friday that I need to sign up for which eats up the one day I had free to actually work for the program I'm working for. And so I won't be able to get a job at all while I'm going to school. My sister has it in mind to tell baked goods for extra income while she's on maternity leave so I'll likely be trying to help her with that and see if I can't get some of the profits for doing so. I'm not sure what else I can do for money. My financial aid typically covers the cost of my car payment for a semester (3-4 months), but other than that, not much else. I have my art commissions but.. that's not exactly sustainable. And there isn't always a market for it. I'm considering doing Elementary age tutoring out of my own home or a local church or something.. but I have limited knowledge of subjects that students typically struggle with, mainly science and math. I have RESOURCES for those subjects. But I don't think I could collect a fee for providing that in all good conscience. I could easily help with English or Reading/Writing. But either way, I'm wondering how I could even advertise that. It's a little daunting to know that I can't actually work until I get my school out of the way, otherwise I risk running myself into the ground.

I have weird mannerisms. I can't really control them and I must look so weird to everyone else I think my anxiety is worsening them too

Alright, I'm officially locking myself in my fucking room with alcohol and weed and not coming out again in fear in my current state I'll throw myself in front of a fucking bus. So while I was trying to make my connections in Vancouver I was travelling by rail and bus to save gas. I walk into one station, only to be confronted by two officers who promptly arrest me for shoplifting. But wait, there's a hole here. When the fuck did I shoplift?? Apparently I matched the identity of someone who booked it out of a nearby Canadian Tire. Black jeans, blue shirt, black hoodie with grey stripes and hair in serious need of a comb. Eventually someone noticed the actual suspect running [i]the other way[/i] and after another they verified I was indeed now who they were looking for the took the cuffs off and let me continue on my way. I did...by promptly packing my shit back in my car and driving the fuck out of there. Fuck you Vancouver. I can't even live in my car without problems. I know nobody on this planet with luck any more shitty. I cannot take this anymore. Someone fucking tell me what crusty old gypsy put a curse on me like this? Don't believe me? The officer left me his card in case I wanted to inquire about the incident for some fucked reason. I don't even know why I'm posting in there. Half of you have already pointed out you dislike me in one way or another. I need people to talk to. I"m losing it. [QUOTE=Pascall;49892112]Tbh I never understood the stigma of moving back in with parents during a bout of unemployment. It might be a cultural thing here with Hispanic/Latino culture but while people DO strive to eventually move out and get their own place, there's nothing wrong with staying with your parents until you have a career or until you're married. I'm 24 and still at home with no ability to move out until I'm like 26 or so but there's literally nobody I know here who would question that. It's such a normal thing here. I would definitely go back to your parents' house. You'd have access to at least basic bathroom amenities and would likely have more resources to start looking for another job. Don't just sit in your car because you're embarrassed to ask for help.[/QUOTE] It's that feeling. You go home after work. You're 26. Your sister has long left the house, is married and makes six figures while living halfway across the country. She's the bright spot my parents wanted. Then there's you. Standing in the doorway as your parents drink coffee. They stare at you. You swear you're telepathic. "What are you doing here? Why are you [i]still[/i] in my house? Why did [i]you[/i] have to be the broken one?" Sure, living at home initially is fine but when you come back like this I'm fucked. Owing hundreds of dollars, driving a car that barely runs and with every open space so crammed full of stuff because you expected at some point you'd take off and afford a proper place but no, you're living in your parents basement. I couldn't get hired for fast food and now I can't even handle coworkers at a big box store.

My boss is officially out to get me fired. He's started to nit-pick the smallest things I'm doing wrong, literally the SMALLEST things. Things that everyone else has been doing for months on end and he's never voiced about. I can't fucking do this. If I lose this job I lose everything. Seriously everything. I'll have to sell all my belongings and move back to New Zealand. God I wish I was fucking dead. I just cried my eyes out and I wish I was fucking dead.

I'm having a pretty bad existential crisis and I don't know what to do.

i'm gonna take a step in battling my mental anxiety and bad habits today gonna go apply for a job in person, last time I did that I was like 15, and made a fool of my self, dropped all my papers on the way out, heard the people in the store laughing at me when I walked out, haven't actually 'applied' in person since, had jobs but got in through friends etc it's at an electronics store, where I reckon i'd feel pretty comfortable working, I don't expect i'll necessarily get the job, and it won't be a big deal if I don't, cos it's more about taking that step in the right direction at this point, but even so, I can't help but feel like I don't have any suitably presentable clothes, also it's really fucking hot and even just in a comfortable polo shirt and black pants i'm sweating and I haven't even left the house fuck

[QUOTE=Pascall;49898797]idk how many times I can possibly reiterate this for you but nootropics won't give u the motivation to do something with ur life [editline]9th March 2016[/editline] ??? What kind of job was this. That's garbage.[/QUOTE]I have motivation, I just have mental limits that hold back all the things I want to do. Nootropics will help, because if I can develop proper skills, I won't be ashamed of my in ability to finish anything, which is due the fact I can't over come road blocks. The hope is that if take the drugs, I can overcome whatever issue is preventing me from achieving the goal, I can then feel compelled to do more of the things I want to do and I won't feel like a failure.

[QUOTE=Broguts;49903538]I'm having a pretty bad existential crisis and I don't know what to do.[/QUOTE] Accept the assumption there is such thing as good and bad and go towards good, whatever that means for you.

that applying process was... far easier than I made it out to be in my head very quick, a lot less intense than i'd imagined it to go as always.. anxious overthinking turns out to be completely wrong, it was nothing to get anxious about

I got into high school hoping to turn my life around, study hard and make a nice future for myself. It's been nearly 3 years, and I just can't bring myself to care about my future anymore. I have no idea what will happen to me.

I've been feeling really shit lately, and I kinda lost all hope for myself. Yesterday, I dwelled into depression yet again, and the existential crisis began to unfold on me. I woke up this morning and felt so bad and the first thing my mom says to me is : "Probably that meal you ate yesterday, you have to start thinking about what the fuck you eat." and I promptly told her that wasn't the case and she said : "I don't fucking care if you are going to act this way." Now, I'm this close again to yet commit suicide, and it haven't been a month since last time... Fuck, I'm longing for that day when I finally move away and is not constantly pushed around by her shitty remarks. I mean, if I ask her honestly, she'll probably be proud of me, but it sounds like I'm the worst possible child to ever roam this earth. Now both my depression, guts and mom is upset with my existence. I hope I'm going to die soon. I'm just to afraid to do it myself...

[QUOTE=Jim Morrison;49887649]Am I a bad person if I don't want to stay in contact with my family? I'm such an empty person I can't find the motivation. Christmas, Thanksgiving, other holidays and social obligations just seem so meaningless and I can't be bothered. I'd rather be left to my own devices. It takes a tremendous amount of energy just going to work and socializing with my coworkers or going out to hang with my small circle of friends, and I still regularly neglect and blow them off.[/QUOTE] I haven't been back in a while, but I'll slowly respond to stuff over the next little bit. School gets in the way of everything. It's a mixed bag, my friend. My stance on family has always been that love is conditional. You should never be asked to unconditionally love another person. If someone is suggesting that you should love them unconditionally, they are asking for blind loyalty, and blind loyalty is always the recipe for disaster. Therefore, if your family consists of shitty people, I wouldn't blame you for avoiding them. I'd actually encourage you to stay away, because they can influence terrible mindsets, like what I've seen from IJNOMED's life. (Hope you're doing good, by the way, IJNOMED!) On the other hand, if you're avoiding your family because of some other internal hurt, I would say that it could be okay under specific circumstances, and better if you explain to them that you're just not in the right headspace. If you want to break it down with one of the leaders of the group, say your mom or dad, you can totally say that you're just in a rough spot and need some space. By doing that, you maintain the connection by keeping them close enough to understand your vulnerabilities while also giving you what you want: distance. I think you could probably get away with missing one event by keeping it simple too, if you want it that way. Saying "I'm not feeling well and just need some time alone" in itself should be sufficient. Just note that people will get tired of you if you opt out of everything, though, so this option is best if you're planning on ever hanging out with them down the line. Ultimately, avoiding social confrontation out of anxiety can do you great harm as much if you routinely take that route. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert as long as it's not a cop out. If you're avoiding social confrontation because of anxiety, it's best to try and conquer that anxiety. If you need to take it at a smaller pace and call off one or two social meetings, then so be it, but it's a real issue if you end up building a barrier around yourself and the outside world. Practice makes perfect, and preventing confrontations prevents practice. [editline]10th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Qaus;49852791]My grandmother died this morning. For some reason I thought I'd be perpetually crying and mourning or something but it just feels like any other bad news I get. I feel like, in a way, I'm acting very sociopathic right now. Like I can't describe what I'm feeling right now but it's not deep emotional pain. I wanted to come out to her and spend time with her before this happened, because we knew she wasn't going to make it to 2017 and possibly not the summer. I kept putting off visits because of my depressive episodes 'conveniently' lining up with the times I [I]could[/I] visit. This has been going on since November even. But God damn, what a strong woman she was. Fought off cancer 3 times in the past 10 years and died seemingly of old age. [t]http://i.imgur.com/ueGOxTG.jpg[/t][/QUOTE] I deal with death in the same stages as everyone else, but with the preference of being alone. I want to contemplate about it in private, think it through, and usually it takes a long while for it to really hit me. Then I cry for a little while, in spurts. I let it all out. Then I feel much better. I hate funerals. I hate being with other people. I want to deal with it on my own. Others want to deal with it by being with others, though, so I generally hang out with them when things like this happen. I don't feel sociopathic, though, because I know people with my preferences. I know people that don't even want funerals for that same reason. And I know people who celebrate death. Don't feel crazy or weird for not being explosively emotional. Explosive emotions are the norm because people think that's what it should be. You aren't abnormal, and perhaps you're thinking more rationally to not feel it so suddenly. And maybe it will strike you like it strikes me - it takes time to fully realize after all. [editline]10th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Catscratch;49853147]I know I'm the main reason they don't exist anymore and I've fucked them up but I miss the close relationships I used to have with some people. I really miss them.[/QUOTE] Amen, brother. But there's a lot more people where that came from. A lot more unlikely people. People are strange, sudden, and sometimes really awesome. It's a game of chance that is influenced by how much effort you're willing to put into refining yourself and your mind. [editline]10th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=ichiman94;49853580]So I was sitting in math practice class writing everything that was on the board, teacher stops for a second, looks at me and says "You are just copying stuff aren't you". I felt like I was going to turn into a raspberry. I prefer to be passive in class and do the learning sometime later, thus I don't say shit whenever she generally asks the audience for something. She asks "were you in the math lecture class", I was there, then she began to ask me to say 4 things. In this moment I didn't know what she actually wanted to hear so it was a longer awkward silence. I remembered some tidbits flying in my thought about the lecture, but I quickly forget a lot of stuff like a goldfish, so it still was an awkward silence. Now I think I look like a fucking idiot to this practice class group. After this, I dabbled in my head what if I just simply get out of class right now and run away, because at that moment I felt I don't belong here. However I remained here and continued to write like nothing happened. I understand that the teacher wants students to be active and learn while in class, but she has this kind of "don't like some people" thing going on, for example she doesn't like all of the economist students, shits on them if there's none of them in class etc, now I think she may hate me too. Honestly before what happened today, I actually liked her, so what the hell. There's some optional homework to be solved, so what if if I try to solve them and show it to her to gain back my reputation? [editline]2nd March 2016[/editline] But man, that moment was hell and I wanted to simply not exist. I fear the next practice class.[/QUOTE] I would confront them outside of the class, with "confront" meaning trying to get closer and explaining to them that you're honestly scared of talking and that you have anxiety issues you're trying to sort out. Worst case scenario is they're a gigantic dick to you, to which you can bring it up with administration. And I realize that saying all that is seriously asking a lot - I would have had serious trouble doing it years ago - but the pay-off is potentially worthwhile. [editline]10th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=kijji;49855355]Is school really not for everyone? Everyone tells me I have to or need to go to school, or back to school.[/QUOTE] You can learn a trade. My great uncle teaches air conditioning for a reason. Your life does not need to be astronomical as people love to pump into people's brains. I seriously think the mentality of "dream big" and "you must go to college" is setting so much people up for failure and depression because it often mangles people's perceptions of reality. How many people here are convinced that the only way they can peg their self-worth with a dollar sign? How many people here would fail to be happy with money alone? There's more to life than having more money than you need and being an astronaut (or failing to be one). I think you can be trained through unions. Look into it if you're interested.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49904399]I have motivation, I just have mental limits that hold back all the things I want to do. Nootropics will help, because if I can develop proper skills, I won't be ashamed of my in ability to finish anything, which is due the fact I can't over come road blocks. The hope is that if take the drugs, I can overcome whatever issue is preventing me from achieving the goal, I can then feel compelled to do more of the things I want to do and I won't feel like a failure.[/QUOTE] A lot of your "mental limits" is you not being able to pick one thing and work towards it. That's not an intelligence problem, that's a lack of motivation and/or desire to put forth actual effort to develop skills in one or two specific areas. It's also an inherent lack of self esteem. If you want to take the drugs, then idk why you keep coming in here asking whether or not you should. Most people have already said it's not the quick fix you're hoping for, but you don't really seem to have developed any other opinions or goals other than "I want to take noottropics" so go and try it ?? ? ?

Hey so for now things are alright, I still don't talk to most of my family. I've spoken to my grandpa and uncle and that's about it.

[QUOTE=Jim Morrison;49887649]Am I a bad person if I don't want to stay in contact with my family? I'm such an empty person I can't find the motivation. Christmas, Thanksgiving, other holidays and social obligations just seem so meaningless and I can't be bothered. I'd rather be left to my own devices. It takes a tremendous amount of energy just going to work and socializing with my coworkers or going out to hang with my small circle of friends, and I still regularly neglect and blow them off.[/QUOTE] It's not like i find all those public holidays boring, but i have a pretty similar problem of not having a solid connection with my parents (as they are pretty much all the family i have). I live in a city pretty far away from my hometown where my parents live, so we don't get to see each other very often. What saddens me is that i don't really miss them, even though they totally miss me and they are great people that have supported me in all my endeavors. They often call me in skype, but our conversations are more like monologues most of the time, with me responding to some questions and not saying much. I mean, i just can't find any topics to chat about. I know we're all adults with our own interests, but i'm envious of those who basically treat their parents as friends rather than some really valuable, but kind of distant people. The time goes by, and i can't get rid of the feeling that i'm doing something very wrong and i'm going to regret this at some point.

I'm feeling alright tonight... but i'm wide awake and it's midnight, dunno whether i'll get much of any sleep, being wide awake in the middle of the night's a bit of a bummer tbh, should really start getting up earlier but I'm really not agreeable with mornings how do you guys tackle sleeping patterns? I stay up late because I get up late, but then I get up late because I stay up late yet when it comes to breaking it never seems to work, or last, mornings never pan out as I intend even with captcha code alarm on my phone forcing me to get out of bed and go to the kitchen to scan the code

I'm sleeping more than before and it's bothering me

[QUOTE=phygon;49900144]Same dude, same. Adderall feels like I'm cheating at life, but then you realize that working while on it is just how everyone else can get shit done that you've just had a problem doing the whole time.[/QUOTE] That revelation is what prompted me to put myself on it in the first place. It was absolutely crushing at first, to realize that you've actually had the problem for your entire life and the only reason it seemed to get better at all is because your life simplified enough for a span of time that it was manageable. But then... it was liberating. It was a name to the faceless shadow that's been following me for years. I know what the problem is now, or at least more of the problem, and now I can attack it. Now I can beat it.

[QUOTE=kijji;49906581]I'm sleeping more than before and it's bothering me[/QUOTE] Yeah, depression can be a complete bitch when it comes to sleeping patterns in particular, I find. I especially can't bloody stand it whenever people go all "IT MUST BE NICE TO STAY HOME AND DO NOTHING ALL DAY!" Like "Yeah! Because having to deal with your demons day in and day out sure is fun and fulfilling, and will never go away!" :goodjob:

I'd rather sleep all the time than what I'm doing right now. Which is not getting any sleep at all. But next week is Spring Break so no school, no work. I'll hopefully be able to catch up on sleep.

-snip, shouldn't use this thread to vent personal grievances with other people-

[QUOTE=Zeke129;49907337]-snip, shouldn't use this thread to vent personal grievances with other people-[/QUOTE] If you need me, just contact me on PM. Hope you are doing better <3

I go out to be social in hopes that I'll feel better, satisfy my social need, but it isn't working. a little frustrating that what usually helps isn't helping. I'm not really sure what is bothering me right now but I suppose I'm a little heart broken from losing the girl I was dating? it happens, it wouldn't have worked out anyway but eh, still a shame. I'm also thinking about my future. I haven't gone to school, I'm not working, that shit isn't attractive at all. who would want to be friends with someone who hasn't even finished school? I'm aware that I'm not alone, there's 7 billion people in the world, I'm sure there are plenty of normal people who have gone through the same shit that I have and are in the same life situation right now too. problem is meeting these people. how do you find them? I also don't feel like my friends pay enough attention to me. they never ask me about my day, what I've been up to, if anything cool has happened since we last met and so on. only I ask those questions and they go on about their lives with little interest in mine. not that cool, it has worked for a long while but I'm growing a little tired of it. hopefully people can relate to this, but I really want to do something that I know would fuck up for me. not to intentionally fuck me up, but to satisfy the lust to isolate myself for example. sucks that I'm not an idiot which means I can't do it, I know how much it'll fuck me up.

Have you looked online? I think Facepunch really needs a thread for meeting people in your area.