Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49907931]Have you looked online? I think Facepunch really needs a thread for meeting people in your area.[/QUOTE] I've had the idea but I'm not sure where to really look. I don't want to necessarily meet people with lots of issues and I've only been able to find people wanting to meet through forums or sites dedicated to mental health. I suppose I -could- use something like Tinder to meet new people but it is a dating thing.

does anyone meditate here? I've managed to probably do it 'properly' like 10 times but find it difficult to concentrate without putting on meditation music. I find it a great way to even my mind and get negative shit out of my head for just a bit but concentrating enough to not quit within the first minute is extremely difficult. Also, any recommendations for meditation music? I got some tibetan monk meditation music and half way through meditating some monk comes on and starts jabbering. Words don't work for me.

[QUOTE=Torjuz;49907822]If you need me, just contact me on PM. Hope you are doing better <3[/QUOTE] It's fine, thanks though. I've just had an awful week.

I know it sounds stupid, but I have always felt like I need to earn a fuckton of money in order to compensate who I am. When I was a little kid, the deal my parents had with me and school was this: If you do the work, then you'll be free. If you do good at school and deliver good grades, we will let you do anything and will never bother you that also means no physical punishment, no scolding, no yelling, nothing to bother you if you do things right. IF you do bad at school, then there will be physical punishment, yelling, no more fun if you fail. Another thing you need to know is that as kid I was pretty much a scumbag. Always got in trouble, annoying, bothered my parents constantly, my mother genuinely thought about disowning me at some point. School was the only thing that saved me, doing good at school gave a little meaning to my life. I could be a shithead kid, but at the least I have good grades. As long as I kept my mouth shut, as long as I kept myself from fighting and as long as I kept doing what my teachers and everyone wanted me to do, I would never be bothered and hopefully, one day, with enough effort, I would be free from them. I have always felt like a loser, I don't have personality. I'm not gifted or talented, I don't have the charisma everyone I know has, I don't know what it feels to be liked or loved by anyone that wasn't my family. I'm aware that one day I'll die or I'll get killed, and no one will care about it. Like, if I went out and killed someone, a random person, there will be someone who will care for that person, a friend, a neighbor, a partner, whatever. If I die now no one will give a fuck or notice or care. My friends will think this: He probably killed himself because he is a fucking coward and can't face life. Suicide is for cowards, he was a coward and a selfish or he probably got killed because he was into shady stuff. No one gives a fuck for me because that's just how life works. Some people are born and people care for them, other people aren't as lucky and people don't like them for reasons that are beyond their control. Some people are born to lead others are born to serve. It's bullshit but I never made the rules. There are moments where people care about me and that's when I have something they want. When I have the shit that they need or when I offer to do what they don't want to do, that's the moment where they notice me, when they care. I always volunteer to do the shit that no one wants to do because that's honestly the only way I can get people to like me because if it wasn't for that then I would be nothing. Who the fuck would want to be with someone like me who is just a fucking tool? If I was a millionaire, I could still be a silent, insufferable scumbag, but I would have money, it would look like an amazing presentation card.When you have cash you don't look weird anymore, you're just eccentric. It looks better to be fucked in the head and be making six figures than being fucked in the head and not making a single cent. My friends can come and tell me "Money isn't everything". I know, but that's for you. My friends have charisma, they are likable people, they have personalities built around them, they can talk and be assholes in the way people feel comfortable. They don't need cash. I don't have a personality, I'm annoying, I'm a fucking asshole. I need the cash, I need something that compensates the fact that I'm fucking empty. When I don't do good at college and I get mad and depressed, it isn't because "Oh fuck I failed". No, I feel bad because doing bad means less chance to get a title, less chance to get a job and even less chance to ever get a good job or any opportunity that doesn't suck. If I don't have that cash I'm never gonna be anyone. I'm worth close to nothing unlike most people.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49908552]My friends will think this: He probably killed himself because he is a fucking coward and can't face life. Suicide is for cowards, he was a coward and a selfish or he probably got killed because he was into shady stuff.[/QUOTE] I have never met a man who applauded suicide or demonized suicide victims. Have you?

How do you know when depression is over, or well, coming to an end? It's been about two months since I last had a suicidal thought, which is the longest I've gone in the past half decade. Seems like I've slowly been climbing out of it through a combination of getting a job, religion/philosophy, and getting into a relationship with somebody. It's getting easier to do some things and my anxiety is getting a bit better. I'm becoming more confident and feeling like I can do a lot more now. I'm still not sure about when and how you "know" that you've gotten out of it for good though.

[QUOTE=Sobotnik;49909222]How do you know when depression is over, or well, coming to an end? It's been about two months since I last had a suicidal thought, which is the longest I've gone in the past half decade. Seems like I've slowly been climbing out of it through a combination of getting a job, religion/philosophy, and getting into a relationship with somebody. It's getting easier to do some things and my anxiety is getting a bit better. I'm becoming more confident and feeling like I can do a lot more now. I'm still not sure about when and how you "know" that you've gotten out of it for good though.[/QUOTE] I don't like looking at things big picture when it comes to things like that. In fact, looking at things smaller-scale gives you a great sense of improvement. "I'm better than I was yesterday." "I was a little worse off than yesterday, but I will be better tomorrow." "I'm always getting better." Looking at the big picture can be daunting and not very useful. I think you'll know when you're done with depression when you stop caring or thinking about it. You just get caught up in life.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49909239]I don't like looking at things big picture when it comes to things like that. In fact, looking at things smaller-scale gives you a great sense of improvement. "I'm better than I was yesterday." "I was a little worse off than yesterday, but I will be better tomorrow." "I'm always getting better." Looking at the big picture can be daunting and not very useful. I think you'll know when you're done with depression when you stop caring or thinking about it. You just get caught up in life.[/QUOTE] Does that actually happen? I've been going through depression since I was 8 or so and getting "caught up in life" never helped me. I read Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers as a recommendation from my doctor, which said that people don't go through more than 4 major depressions in a lifetime, but I don't know how accurate that really is.

The truth is, if you're predisposed to depression, you'll live with it for life. My mother's predisposed to it, she has always thought of herself that way even though she hasn't had the life of a "depressed" person(she's had a good life mostly). I confronted her about my depression once, and that's when I learned, deep down, she was depressed, and always had been. She'd done well to manage it for years. If it's in you, just as a person, it's going to be a thing you deal with often, or occasionally, it's going to vary person to person. And you know what guys? [B]That's okay.[/B] You can live with it. You can deal with it. You can revel in the little things. You may not know what those are, but there's something that you can enjoy. There's ways to manage it, to live with it. I manage it by working hard when I'm at work. By playing games that I enjoy. By spending time with my fiance. By reading. By arguing. I manage it by obsessing over ideas or concepts and analyzing them rationally. I smoke weed (Not a recommendation, just something that works for me personally). My point is, for your emotional well being, finding things that you enjoy will help you combat your own personal depression. Finding things that give you some motivation and really trying to stick to it, motivate yourself(that's the hardest part). I've fought my own battle for 16 years, since I was 8, and it's never been easy. It's never going to be easy. I break down. I have my days. The hard part is picking yourself up again, and getting back to your motivations, and they may well change. It's always going to be hard guys. And no matter how unlovable you feel, you're not. You'll find something. It's hard to endure rejection in friendships, relationships, anything, but I find that just not giving a hot damn about what they think at a deep down level while still being myself, a polite and kind person helps me make friends. And hey, here's a thing I've started doing in the last 6 months, oddly enough, ever since my dad died. When I'm out, and just walking around, shopping, on my lunch at work, etc, and I see an opportunity to have a conversation with someone, I take it. I noticed people have times when they're more open to it than others so it's about timing in a way, but starting up these random conversations with strangers that I don't really care about, to just engage in a small social activity, is pretty good for my emotions. I'm kind of rambling but I guess I had to do that somewhat today.

Knowing that I'll deal with this for the rest of my life is why I consider giving myself death, I really can't deal with day-to-day life for much longer, and if all I have is this for the rest of my life, I don't exactly want to live it finding things you enjoy is good advice yes but I can't seem to, at all, anything I try physically and mentally tires me and I don't enjoy anything I used to. I can't motivate myself. I'm just fucked, I don't know what I can do, I don't see a way out

I turn 22 next Friday. What have I done with my life? Nothing. Who will miss me? Absolutely no one. I'm surprised I'm still alive.

[QUOTE=icarusfoundyou;49908108]does anyone meditate here? I've managed to probably do it 'properly' like 10 times but find it difficult to concentrate without putting on meditation music. I find it a great way to even my mind and get negative shit out of my head for just a bit but concentrating enough to not quit within the first minute is extremely difficult. Also, any recommendations for meditation music? I got some tibetan monk meditation music and half way through meditating some monk comes on and starts jabbering. Words don't work for me.[/QUOTE] Have you tried colouring? According to mental health professionals that's a form of relaxation and meditation. I also recommend reading The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's sort of like meditation, but it's better than that. Hope this makes sense! :v:

The power of now is a great book, I personally love eckhart tolle's take on 'presence', and though I haven't yet finished the book, reading what I have so far has definitely shifted my perspective a good deal, it's tricky maintaining a state of presence, but it's useful to have that concept in mind as it helps a lot in regrounding

[QUOTE=elasticity;49911376]The power of now is a great book, I personally love eckhart tolle's take on 'presence', and though I haven't yet finished the book, reading what I have so far has definitely shifted my perspective a good deal, it's tricky maintaining a state of presence, but it's useful to have that concept in mind as it helps a lot in regrounding[/QUOTE] Going back on certain paragraphs and passages within the book even if you haven't read it all yet is also really helpful. It strengthens the state of presence. In my experience, anyway.

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;49911394]Going back on certain paragraphs and passages within the book even if you haven't read it all yet is also really helpful. It strengthens the state of presence. In my experience, anyway.[/QUOTE] I gotta get through the rest of the book, i'm not sure exactly how far into it I am but it's the part where it talks about taking your attention away from your mind, bringing it to the body in order to sort of ground it and disengage from the ongoing self-identification with mind, i've sorta taken a break from the book in order to work on that for a while, have to say where i'm up to with it is proving to be very helpful in terms of actually making progress, I want to say it's true what he says... there might be a countless number of steps we take towards things in our lives, and things might even see completely out of reach, but within 'self', there's only ever one step, the one we're taking right now, seems like there's always two options, take the step or don't, only one can make a difference to your situation, but you'll never really take that next step if you keep identifying your self with the myriad of thought processes that pull you away, distract you, discourage you, whatever, you'll just stand still

Well I fucked everything up with my best friend and don't have a best friend anymore as a result

I just found out the girl I had a crush on since I was eleven years old is now getting married and she wants me to come and be at the wedding. I figure I'll take a train down there or do some freightcar hopping and hitchhiking. But the whole news though feels so... I guess conflicting to me? She's practically a sister to me now, but for the years I had a crush on her we use to screw around and shit and it just feels like, "Where did the time go..? Can I start over?" Either way, I will be going to the wedding because I'm a good little brother and she wants me there in order to come to good terms with her hubby so him and I are not always at odds over whatever-the-fuck. On top of all this though, within probably 30 minutes of getting the news of her engagement and wedding plans, I found out more of my family members were being checked into the hospital for cancer treatment and a few other things. I mean shit, this week is just going swell for me. Lost my job, nail-biting regarding family health problems, and then hearing about love interests getting married. Just one of those weeks I guess.

Currently sitting in the corner alone at a party with my friends. Wishing I had a chance to grow up to be a social person instead of the depressed fuck I've become. Thanks, rural fucking wasteland that I live in. Thank you for the wonderful life I'm forced to keep living [editline]March 2016[/editline] Parties only make me feel worse. People tell me I need it to practice but every time I do it I just realize even more how much I've fucked up

I had planned to meet a friend and a friend of hers tomorrow, maybe go to a pizza place and eat and so on. though just now, I suddenly get a message from her, "hey <3" so I ask what's up. she starts the message with "no offense intended, she wants to meet you!" then she says that she "thinks" her friend wants to eat with her alone since its been a year since they last met. I can get behind that, I find it a little odd considering she has been there all day already, she's gonna be there all day tomorrow too and she's there in two days as well, the day she leaves. I -can- get behind this, I can rationalize it somewhat although not fully. odd, but I choose to understand since I halfway do. then she mentions "we might drink at <insert name here> though, since he mentioned it earlier" followed with a heart which she rarely sends these days. she finished the message with "but yeah" which is not her at all. I suppose from an outside view this seems like a normal message I guess? but I know her enough (or maybe I'm over thinking) I feel to realize that something is amiss here. she never sends hearts when in this context, why now? how come she said that she "thinks" her friend wants to eat alone with her, obviously she has talked with her if I'm getting that message? it sucks that I over think as much as I do since I'm not sure what to blame here, her or me, but I can definitely see her telling her friend "oh I don't really want to eat with him because blabla and blabla" then she sends me a lie to seem nice. she has done this so many times to others when I've been that friend who has been with her. it's hard to tell though. the way she writes makes it seem like she is lying all the time since she's always on the defensive front. if she's busy or something pops up, she never writes something like "I can't today, something or this thing popped up, I'll catch up with you later, so sorry!!" but instead she resorts to "I really can't meet you today because my cat is sick, I also have to shower tonight and I feel a little sick, my leg hurts slightly, I also gotta make sure I got time to make myself some snacks before bed in 8 hours so I don't go to bed hungry. did I forget to mention I also have a bad hairday so it would be a disaster to go out right now, oh and <this thing> and <another thing>, plus <another minor thing> all got in the way today." she has done this so many times now that I've just chosen to believe this is just how she says she can't one day but man, it's hard not to suspect her. instead of saying she can't because of the one reason she can't, she for some reason finds it necessary to mention everything wrong with her day to make it more "legit" that she can't meet me for example, even though 90% of these things don't really make much of a difference. then there's her suddenly making plans with someone else? hellooo, us three had plans tomorrow, at least keep me up to date or ask if it's cool with me if there's a change of plans before you say yes to go drink at another persons place? I would honestly not be surprised if she makes more changes to the point where I can't join anymore. I just find it hard to believe her. I know how much she lies to others, why wouldn't she lie to me? I feel like I allow her to step on me too much. not too long ago, she literally called me to ask if I was free. I said yeah, then she goes on and says "oh great, because I have plans with someone else but I'm gonna come to you if I don't go to her.". what? really? way to make me feel like second priority, a backup solution. I just don't know if what I feel is actually reasonable or not, maybe I'm just over thinking beyond the reasonable? maybe she's the one to blame in reality? I honestly don't know for sure. [editline]11th March 2016[/editline] I think it's her. a lot of people that I and her know keep saying to me behind her back that she lies a lot. she runs from her problems. that she's manipulative. the list goes on. [editline]11th March 2016[/editline] I feel like I need to do something about my over thinking. at the same time, what would I do without it? if I didn't have it, I'd just be a stupid idiot who wouldn't be able to pick up on signs, a person people would constantly step on since I wouldn't be able to pick up on lies. though with it, I'm picking up too many signs which includes things which aren't really signs.

[QUOTE=Pascall;49905628]A lot of your "mental limits" is you not being able to pick one thing and work towards it. That's not an intelligence problem, that's a lack of motivation and/or desire to put forth actual effort to develop skills in one or two specific areas. It's also an inherent lack of self esteem. If you want to take the drugs, then idk why you keep coming in here asking whether or not you should. Most people have already said it's not the quick fix you're hoping for, but you don't really seem to have developed any other opinions or goals other than "I want to take noottropics" so go and try it ?? ? ?[/QUOTE]I have no motivation because I can't see a way to turning current skills into income in a short time span, I don't have a enough time to develop new skills, thus feeding the thoughts to pursue something else. I don't know why you think I have a lack of self esteem, I've never mentioned this My attitude is shit because I've chosen a career path that requires stronger skills for even the most junior role and I can't manage to make the grade according to employers, I'm very close to 30 years, so I need to get good at what I do very very fast or find a new career path in a short time span or I'll sort of be screwed. I'm very stressed and I can't manage to work out what to do, I'm talking to a doctor on Monday to discuss nootropics, ( I need them to get good faster, the theory is that a stronger visual memory will translate better 3D skills or at least they'll help with general memory). Improved skills mean a job and a job means less stress than I currently have. I don't seen any choice in the matter, if I don't take them I'll just remain in this position until I'm 35 doing a job with no future and face ridicule for it. The issue is that I can't find a way to generate decent income and I only the next 2 years. I'm going to explode if I don't do something. I've succeeded at absolutely nothing at all and the evidence of this is in the fact that I'm not making enough money. I thought it was obvious to all who've read my posts that I'm a very intelligent person ( people are constantly rating my posts dumb which clearly demonstrated that I have a sub average IQ) which is the sole reason I'm failing at everything. If you think I should look into ADD, then fine I'll look into that too. But in all honestly I don't think you would that if you were me, you'd do much better.

Hey guys, not really sure how to phrase this so I'll just shoot. I lurk the thread every now and then, but I've never posted before but I've got to a point now where I'm losing hope in getting better. I started university last September, and I been having a pretty rough time ever since. It started with a couple panic attacks, which lead on into social anxiety, which has now been joined with depression (depression and anxiety, real original, eh?). At first I was aimless and a mess, then I started considering ways to get help and support, and I'm currently in counselling (providing by my uni which is great, although pretty infrequent), I've talked to friends, family, my school's welfare officer, and nothing seems to be helping. This semester (like six weeks in currently) my depression has been less severe but my social anxiety is so bad I've attended one lecture in the entire six weeks. I'm behind on everything, barely know what my modules are this semester, I've missed so much, and I'm just stuck in a rut. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any tips to get through the day and just be a functioning adult? Sorry for the long post!

just got rejected from the easiest of the colleges I applied to. don't see any hope in continuing living. I'm going to drink my ass off tonight so I can get to tomorrow.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49916434]just got rejected from the easiest of the colleges I applied to. don't see any hope in continuing living. I'm going to drink my ass off tonight so I can get to tomorrow.[/QUOTE]How old are you? If you're younger than me (28), then you have plenty of opportunity ahead of you. Did they provide feedback?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49916477]How old are you? If you're younger than me (28), then you have plenty of opportunity ahead of you. Did they provide feedback?[/QUOTE]I'm 17. They just said that they won't accept me and that's it. I haven't heard back from my other possible colleges but the prospects aren't good.

I understand that you're upset but please, quit the drinking. It will cause further problems down the line. :(

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49916550]I'm 17. They just said that they won't accept me and that's it. I haven't heard back from my other possible colleges but the prospects aren't good.[/QUOTE]Well, look at it this way, you have 12 years to get everything together, so don't stress.

I somehow feel more alone when I'm with other people than when sitting alone at home.

[QUOTE=Flubbman;49917562]I somehow feel more alone when I'm with other people than when sitting alone at home.[/QUOTE] I actually spoke about this with my psychologist two days ago. I told her I used to hang with a group of people and that it didn't really cover my social need as I expected. then she told me that it might be better to sit alone at home rather than sit with a group of people you don't really like. don't take it wrong, it's definitely a good idea to socialize, you just need a group of people / a person that you actually like to hang out with. to get there you probably gotta hang out with people you don't like as much unfortunately. anyway, I definitely see the logic behind feeling more lonely when with people rather than when you actually are alone. when you're alone, you just feel lonely. if you're with others and you don't really socialize, you feel lonely AND you might start picking up on signs that they show. they don't talk to me, am I uninteresting? do I really fit in here? will I be able to find anyone that I fit with? maybe these people dislike me?

From STGYM I seem to disappoint or piss off everyone I come into contact with. I feel like EVERYTHING I do offends, annoys, disgusts or inconveniences someone It's like I can never do right by my parents. When I do something good they don't give a shit. When I fuck up (as in, everytime I fuck up, meaning all the time, perpetually fucking up) they treat me (emotionally) like trash. My mother knows I'm a suicidal, depressed, antisocial, self loathing and self harming loner, yet she still keeps shouting at me for everything I do, no matter how petty it all is. She keeps lamenting and bullshitting about how "We're never going to understand each other", but she never, not once thought that it might be her fault too, if just a little bit. My friends only seem to be nice to me when they need something or when they're bored, I hardly ever talk to anyone in my family, my brother (whom I love and miss deeply) is on the other side of the country, busy with work and school, I simply feel like I don't exist. Or rather, that I don't exist right. I'm scared of dying, but I keep feeling like there's no way out of this shit. I don't want to die.

Does anyone use stuff like Daylio / imoodjournal etc on here? I find Daylio useful for just keeping track of how I feel on a day to day basis. [editline]13th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=FreyasFighter;49911308]Have you tried colouring? According to mental health professionals that's a form of relaxation and meditation. I also recommend reading The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's sort of like meditation, but it's better than that. Hope this makes sense! :v:[/QUOTE] Thanks, I will look it up! I can totally see how something like coloring or drawing would relax the mind. I'd always heard the same about watercolor painting.