Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

last night I experienced hearing voices for the I believe second time ever. last and first time I heard a voice once directed to me, but it didn't xontinue. last night there were several voices directed to me, voices talking with each other with no logical meaning. some conversations were just gibberish, some had words but made no meaning, and some were meaningless questions or statements directed at me. they were kind of talking using dream logic. I also believe I experienced closed eye hallucinations since I remember actually seeing places when having my eyes closed trying to sleep. this wasn't uncomfortable, just odd and fascinating. I imagine if the voices were more brutal and rude it would be different, but they barely made sense at all

I'm so sick of indirectly hurting other people because of my actions I just want to string myself up half the time. My previous relationship suffered as a result, I'm a fucking moron that's incapable of listening to what other people want me to hear and I'm so sick and tired of me wanting it to sink in but it goes in one ear out the other. I hate everything I've ever worked on or done or been a part of because I'm always told how much of a waste of time it is. Expressing myself is not allowed unless I get money for it according to my mother, and I can't stand being told how I'm a useless loser that's an embarrassment to her. Worst part is, she'll say all of that for one week then be my friend next week which doesn't help. It isn't a consistent level of disappointment it's like it comes and goes. I'm sick of feeling so low of myself but honestly at this point, I'm saying fuck it and just letting her control shit in my life. I rather be a pawn and pretend to be happy and just play along with what she wants me to do because she doesn't believe in me unless I'm following the path she sets and I can't deal with the resulting stress anymore. I think I'm finally just done trying to do what I want to do and be who I want to be because I just get grief from someone that claims to be my number one ally one week and someone with an embarrassment the next week. Arguments are hard, I try to de-escalate and she just throws as many daggers and says as much shit she can to hurt to get me to do it back so she can call me a piece of shit for doing that. I really wish my dad was more involved with my life and shit; Too bad he got the exact same treatment from my mom and her mom. They both sat there and made fun of him and treated him like shit, they also made it seem okay to act disrespectful towards my dad which really angers me because she blames him for a lot of issues when she constantly pushed him into a corner. She constantly complains about my father and gets mad at me when I say anything positive about him. While he was never really there as a dad in terms of hanging out or talking or doing stuff, he still shows he cares even if he rarely says anything. But I think it's because if he's pissed off at me for a valid reason he flat out tells me how I pissed him off. Although to be fair he has been so distant in my life it's just sad at this point, I don't think he's ever said I love you to me certainly not in the last 9 years and he forgot my birthday entirely. Hurt like hell. Sorry for the rant, I just figured this was an alright place to just get shit off my chest. Might be my last post if I actually just do what my mom wants me to, I guess we'll see.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;48757843]Man that sounds like a really tough situation. I'm sorry. I wish I had something to say to make it better. A hostile, uncaring environment can make struggles so much worse. Here is one thing I can think of: Is there a person (friend or family, maybe a cousin) who you feel you could trust and who might listen to you? Maybe somebody who is having a similar struggle of their own? Having even a single person (outside therapy) you can talk to about what is really happening may help reduce the pressure on you. I don't feel like I can help at all, but I still hope I did somehow.[/QUOTE] Well, there's my two aunts. They have been looking after my brother and I when my mother can't. Also, I have been having a lot of nightmares recently. Some of them can get really bad, I feel so happy when I wake up just because they weren't real.

I'm utterly destroyed. My fiancée dumped me yesterday, exactly why? I have no idea, she cited one reason being her feelings had changed, but she couldnt describe how, she cited differing life goals, of which she only said one which there wasn't even a conflict over, she's said she can't see a future with us together, but can't specify why she feels that way or even what or why tings have changed. I really don't know what the fuck is going on with her, it was a good relationship, nothing wrong with it, but she's just dumped me. This is the girl who was my everything, the most precious thing to me in the fucking universe, it's the girl who i stood by, defended, helped and supported her, even at the cost of my own mental health, the girl who I'd do anything for, no matter what, the girl I gave everything I had with very little in return, and this is what I get, her dumping me for vague reasons over something I don't even know and apparently neither does she. She's destroyed me, and in one way or another, she's killed me, I have nothing left to give anyone else, nothing left to live for, nobody who I will trust with my feelings anymore, nothing. The person I was, is no more, that person is dead, and my body may soon be following. I don't know who the fuck I am, I can't live without her, I don't want to live without her. She said I was the best thing that happened to her, the best person for her, and I was, till she threw it all away over a maybe.

I almost lost my fucking glasses today.It's actually a miracle i foiund them.Where's my mind jesus fuck

[QUOTE=RayvenQ;48759189]I'm utterly destroyed. My fiancée dumped me yesterday, exactly why? I have no idea, she cited one reason being her feelings had changed, but she couldnt describe how, she cited differing life goals, of which she only said one which there wasn't even a conflict over, she's said she can't see a future with us together, but can't specify why she feels that way or even what or why tings have changed. I really don't know what the fuck is going on with her, it was a good relationship, nothing wrong with it, but she's just dumped me. This is the girl who was my everything, the most precious thing to me in the fucking universe, it's the girl who i stood by, defended, helped and supported her, even at the cost of my own mental health, the girl who I'd do anything for, no matter what, the girl I gave everything I had with very little in return, and this is what I get, her dumping me for vague reasons over something I don't even know and apparently neither does she. She's destroyed me, and in one way or another, she's killed me, I have nothing left to give anyone else, nothing left to live for, nobody who I will trust with my feelings anymore, nothing. The person I was, is no more, that person is dead, and my body may soon be following. I don't know who the fuck I am, I can't live without her, I don't want to live without her. She said I was the best thing that happened to her, the best person for her, and I was, till she threw it all away over a maybe.[/QUOTE] love is a weird thing, I've experienced myself that I just suddenly stop liking people as well. though it hasn't happened for me when it comes to love, I can easily see it becoming a thing there as well. it may have happened over time but it might have been hard for her to say, since I'm sure she didn't want to upset you either. in the end however, one can't live life with someone they don't love just to make sure their partner feels good. I don't know the situation of course, but try not to blame her or yourself if you ever should feel the need to. love is complicated and for odd reasons doesn't always work out. I remember thinking my previous relationship was great as well, but I was incredibly biased and ignorant during it. now closing in to 3 years since the break up, I've seen for a long time that the relationship was far from ideal and couldn't have continued. it may not be the case for you, for all I know it could have been a perfect relationship (it's probably wasn't if she broke up with you) but it may not have been and it's probably hard to see right now if that's the case. it's a little late for this, but in the future, try not to put too much weight on another person to carry your happiness and well being. it's incredibly unreliable and could send you into a depressive pit if something were to happen. there's a reason why they say you should love yourself before you love anyone else, since even if they were to disappear, you'll still be able to support yourself. of course it'll put a dent in you for a while even if you can support yourself and someone disappears, but it's much better than spiralling into depression. right now the best you can do is to occupy yourself and let time heal your wounds. once you start feeling better it's probably a good idea to start building yourself back up and learn to support yourself without relying on friends or girlfriends. remember I'm saying all this without knowing your situation so my advice and words might not suit you, but hopefully what I've said will help in one way or another.

Does it have to be long periods of time for it to count as depression? Because I'm becoming increasingly convinced I have something, but i usually don't have it for more than 3-4 days at a time. Unless I'm just sorta not noticing it as much the rest.

[QUOTE=NikoChekhov;48760248]Does it have to be long periods of time for it to count as depression? Because I'm becoming increasingly convinced I have something, but i usually don't have it for more than 3-4 days at a time. Unless I'm just sorta not noticing it as much the rest.[/QUOTE] symptom development takes place over a 2-3 week period usually, once established it might worsen into a major episode. Untreated can last around 6-8 months, treated around 6 weeks to 3 months. During both the developmental and actual depressive periods, there will be occasional episodes of relenting (a relatively symptom free period). Rule of thumb is, untreated depression has an ~20% chance of morphing into the chronic variant in around 60% of all patients with untreated symptoms, though only a psychiatric visit can tell if it's depression for sure.

Posting here because I've hit a really deep point I think and it's absolutely draining me. I've been having medical issues with allergic reactions for the last several weeks, breaking out into hives regularly, and on one occasion, had my throat begin to close up which has resulted in several doctor visits and medical prescriptions, totaling over $400, piled onto the fact that I haven't had my car for three weeks now and the repair to fix it may be well over $700 when I JUST paid $700 to get it fixed not even a month ago. So all these financial issues themselves have been taking a toll on me, not to mention the actual illness that I've got going on itself which started with bronchitis (which I suffer from, chronically) and has moved into something potentially worse. I won't know the results of blood work that I did until Monday or Tuesday of next week, but in the mean time, I continue to have breakouts which completely exhaust me every time they happen. I'm at work and I can barely function. Throw that on top of my anxiety about being severely ill and the fact that I'm a hypochondriac and it skyrockets my anxiety levels tenfold which in turn gives me gastrointestinal distress on a regular basis. All this and I still have to go to work and school and function as though nothing is wrong but all the while I'm just getting more and more tired and falling into a deeper and deeper depression that I'm not entirely sure how to get out of. I can't afford normal therapy and I rarely have time to go to the on campus therapist so I have no idea what to do. I'm tired and I'm not suicidal but I've hit that point where I very much want to die and it's a thought that I'm having regularly now. All the while I'm pretending like nothing is wrong. I don't know what to do anymore.

My emotions are on such a hair-trigger now things I used to laugh at piss me the fuck off interacting with my family is now nearly impossible because of this rrgh

after actually admitting to having done drugs, I've realized that I'm far from alone in experiencing this odd dream like state from smoking weed. since I never admitted that to my psychologist at the time, I feel that my undifferantiated shizophrenic diagnosis might be wrong. I have a feeling I had a psychosis since I was absolutely broken after smoking weed for a few months. I got better but this feeling of being in a dream never disappeared. I think I waited about 6-7 months until I started smoking weed again. I'm not feeling broken, but I have a feeling my feeling of being in a dream has gotten stronger again. really makes me wonder if I'm just suffering from a drug induced depersonalization and the aftermath of a drug induced psychosis rather than a schizophrenic disorder. this is where I get slightly worried. I've heard a voice in my head once which said a single thing which I can't remember, but other than that I've never experienced hallucinations or sound hallucinations. last night however, I had a really intense episode where I heard lots of voices. it wasn't uncomfortable as I mentioned in my last post about this, it was just odd. I also had an episode today where I heard music in my head, not voices. it seems like I might be developing something now, or maybe they were right and I did have a schizophrenic disorder just that it's getting worse now.

So last post I made in this thread I was going on about how I took my anger out on my best friend, going off at him about minor shit. I think that might of finally fucked me somewhat. I completely went off at him couple of days ago, would just not shut up and leave him alone and now he just wont talk to me, swear he has me blocked on pretty much everything. So now I'm getting the feeling he's done with me and hates me now. I felt massive guilt and depression after I went off at him as well. I don't really want this since he's one of the best friends I've had. Fuck my shit feels so minor compared to everyone else's here. Oh well, just feels good to vent out somewhere I guess.

I got put on emergency Vallium, although that hasn't done a damn thing (and usually I'd never take that kind of medication). Haven't eaten for 2 days, don't particularly feel the need or want to. And my feelings about suicide aren't just from what happened, it's just the last thing in a chain of things, I've honestly been considering suicide for 15+ years now, always holding off because I selflessly allow myself to suffer for the benefit of others, and because of how one person selfishly treated my seflessness, I've decided it's time for me to be selfish for a change, I've spent long enough making other people happy, time I did so for myself. There's a lot more to it than the relationship ending, and it's less that it ended and more HOW it ended, in such a callous, cruel and cold hearted way. Fuck it, I'm done with this world, it's taken all it can from me, now no more.

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;48749555]long time no post so today i've found out that my girlfriends brother who is 13 has just been taken under child services, so far i have very little knowledge of where he is under the system, what actually happened only snippets. whilst im coping with it pretty well since i know what actually happens and ive witnessed it happen, my girlfriend is struggling badly, and so is the rest of the family the girlfriends mother today literally popped in for a minute who came in with someone in a car and told my girlfirend that he's been taken by child services and fucked off i knew it was going to happen i just wish it didn't happen now, it's basically thrown my girlfriend off a bit since me and her have both been trying to recover ourselves and sort our lives out right now she's with a family friend and starting to manage but i feel that the worse is yet to come and i just don't know what to do for her if it gets worse[/QUOTE] Support her man. She needs you to be there for her more now than ever. Do some nice shit for her and just try to be there when she needs it the most and she will at least be alright. It would also help her if you did something to sort whatever problems you have right now, Like progressing your carreer or some shit. Ladies dig that shit. [editline]26th September 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=RayvenQ;48765031]I got put on emergency Vallium, although that hasn't done a damn thing (and usually I'd never take that kind of medication). Haven't eaten for 2 days, don't particularly feel the need or want to. And my feelings about suicide aren't just from what happened, it's just the last thing in a chain of things, I've honestly been considering suicide for 15+ years now, always holding off because I selflessly allow myself to suffer for the benefit of others, and because of how one person selfishly treated my seflessness, I've decided it's time for me to be selfish for a change, I've spent long enough making other people happy, time I did so for myself. There's a lot more to it than the relationship ending, and it's less that it ended and more HOW it ended, in such a callous, cruel and cold hearted way. Fuck it, I'm done with this world, it's taken all it can from me, now no more.[/QUOTE] I know it's fucking hard but killing yourself is not the way to fix things man. Fuck that girl, fuck how it ended, You know what you did wrong and have become wiser because of it. There is still LOTS of ways things can turn around for you. Maybe you need a heavy ayahuasca trip to flip your perspective on life or most likely you need another girl you can talk to and care about. One thing is for sure, if you kill yourself, You're done with everything including your consciousness. As one who has been chronically depressed since I were 11 years old, lost my first love and soulmate because of my own ego, lost friends due to drugs, a highschool dropout without no job who's mom cries and prays for every night. I can say to you with confidence that all that shit is better than nothing.

[QUOTE=aussiedropbear;48764535] Fuck my shit feels so minor compared to everyone else's here. Oh well, just feels good to vent out somewhere I guess.[/QUOTE] Pain is pain, man. Don't make the same mistake I did by feeling inadequate because you're "not hurting enough." That's a pretty dangerous line of thought, for me at least, it led to a lot of self-sabotage.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48765913]Pain is pain, man. Don't make the same mistake I did by feeling inadequate because you're "not hurting enough." That's a pretty dangerous line of thought, for me at least, it led to a lot of self-sabotage.[/QUOTE] Pain is not a competition. All that matters is that the pain is real for you, and not how real it is relative to anyone else.

Apathy and mental exhaustion are in many ways even worse than pain. Usually pain and anxiety comes first until it wears you down enough - even if you don't notice the shape you're in - over time that your body and mind goes into an apathetic depression in order to cope.

That's where I'm trying not to be headed but it seems more and more inevitable.

Just bombed my Calc 2 exam. I thought I knew the majority of the stuff but apparently I don't. I don't know if I lied to myself about knowing the material, maybe I have some learning disorder, maybe I have test anxiety. I just don't know.

Suicide thoughts, please get away. I really don't need you right now. I really fucking don't. I don't want to reevalute my life all the damn time. And i should reaaaaally consider not acting like a dick, but oh well. Can't do much on that part.

i think i'm finally pulling out of a long depression i had ever since my ex and i broke up. i finally just completely stopped talking to her like a week ago and found someone else and we've been hitting it off pretty great. i think i'm happy again.

yet again I'm feeling pretty lonely. I miss having someone I really get along with, who shares the same interests as me. right now I have my roommates who I function with and can talk with, but we don't really have the same interests. I've played some World of Warcraft with one of them, but I lost interest so fast while he's completely hooked. after that, there's him and another guy but all that's about are drugs. I don't think I know how to properly socialize, I'm way too withdrawn. I don't like making jokes as I mentioned once since I'm afraid they'll be dumb or I'll make myself look dumb. I don't really know what to talk about either in most cases. one thing I am good at is making remarks and commenting things, but they rarely get anywhere. I don't know how to keep a conversation going. only situations I can keep a conversation going is if I've just met them or reunited with someone after being away from each other for a long time, or if we're doing something like playing a game. if we're playing a game the conversations are generally just about the game so they're not really that, well, interesting or the kind of conversations I want with another person. I feel like I may be a little too judgmental too. I feel like I need people to fit a pretty strict criteria, but I'm not sure. I've yet to find a "perfect" person to be around so I can't really confirm if that's true, but I can tell for sure I'm pretty picky about who I hang out with at least. kind of gets in the way. then if I find the "perfect" person or anyone I get a slight connection to really, I get way too jealous if they hang out with others. I'm afraid of losing them, that other people are more interesting, have better values, etc. on top of all that, I'm not sure if I'm really enjoying my stay at this cooperative housing / hospital thing. it's way much more work than the previous hospital I lived at, I don't like it at all. I don't know if I want to get better anymore, it's so much work. to be fair, I'm actually quite happy with my current situation. I know that I lack a lot of things, but I don't want to work my way there. it's too hard. I'm a little below average happy I'd say, but it's so much better than what it used to be. I don't function on my own, but I can get support on the sideline. I don't want the way to get better but I want the goal [editline]27th September 2015[/editline] just had a conversation with a guy on Steam who I've known for roughly 6 years now. we don't talk as much as we used to, but I enjoy talking with him once we talk. it was a much needed conversation as I was feeling down just now, but I feel like the conversation ended with me feeling even worse. he didn't say anything which upset me and I don't think I said anything which upset him, but I feel like I said too much and was too focused on what I wanted to talk about rather than what he wanted to talk about. that I talked too much in general. I've praised myself a lot for my progress, and surely there is progress as well from where I used to be, but I feel like I often exaggerate just how much better I've gotten. I mean, come on, I'm not happy with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see someone I like. I don't know how to socialize even when I've praised myself for being able to socialize. I've told myself and others I don't suffer from depression anymore, but I still don't find any joy in anything other than some genres of music and drugs. when it comes to drugs, there's no problem, addiction or anything similar. there's no drug problem, it's just that I find a lot of joy in drugs when I first take them. I've always tried to remain optimistic, but perhaps I'm so optimistic it has deluded me? perhaps I'm in a much worse state than I like to admit? I don't function at all in daily life which I've realized now that I've begun doing things that are fundamental to function daily. I thought I could live by my own, but I can't stand living at a place which has handed me responsibilities so surely I wouldn't be able to live on my own. [editline]27th September 2015[/editline] I've had thoughts of suicide as much as I hate to admit since I thought I was better than that. I have no intentions to act out on those as I still have hope that things can get better, but it still sucks that thoughts like those are coming back. [editline]27th September 2015[/editline] you know what I hate the most? when I'm incapable of doing something and I'm told "that's just life". it just further reinforces that I'm not functioning and just makes me not want to go on. I don't want to do those things in life, I don't want my life to be like that. the staff here are mockingly asking me if this is a nursing home and that I can't sleep for as long as I like. they ask me about my age, I answer, then they mockingly yet again say I can't be acting that way for my age. all I want is to tell them to fuck off since obviously I have a few issues, there's a reason I'm there. I really dislike them and I don't feel I'm at good terms with the staff due to all this. whenever I say I don't like that and that, I'm always told that's just how things are. my father told me there's only one way to live life, and that's to follow what society wants you to do. go to school, graduate, get a job, create a family, and eventually die. I don't want to live a predetermined life, I want to work at my own pace which apparently is impossible. these things really brings out my suicidal thoughts since I don't want to live life like society tells me to, but I know I have to eventually. I want to take things at my own pace, but that's impossible as well. [editline]27th September 2015[/editline] I want to live a life I feel like I can't live. [editline]27th September 2015[/editline] I'm in a really deep depressive pit right now. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I've been put in a life not intended for me. I can't live life like I want to live. I just want to say fuck it and get it over with, but death scares me, my family will miss me, there'll be an outcry about my death, and there's that small hope that things will get better. if I knew my future and I knew things wouldn't get better, I wouldn't hesitate to kill myself, but I don't know. I don't want to put an end to something that has potential.

It's just ridiculously hard to get past how I got dumped, because I'm just left dazed and confused with no explanation as to why, when it was all good and nothing had gone wrong or anything and I'd not done anything to deserve it at all. And on top of that, I now have to get over how she impacted my life in so many ways. My computer and desk, that I'm at 90% of the time? She was here when I got it. My mealdeals I'm so fond of, only started getting them when we'd first got together. Couple of games? I either played them with her or she watched or she bought me, songs that she got me liking and listening to, the TV that I got primarily so we could play games better on it. My cat, who she loved to cuddle, Hell, I can't even make the only thing i drink, a cup of tea without thinking about her, as i always used to tell her i was making one in a silly voice to make her laugh, same with going to the toilet, where we'd tell each other in funny voices. Seagulls, as we laughed about those loads of times. A group of friends online that I had, who i met when i messaged one of the members while out with her, and much much more, just how the hell do i get over that when it's so intrinsicly linked in my life? I'm not a person, I never have been, I'm a mirror, I reflect and be what people need me to be, I always have, THAT is who I am. And all this, it's broken down all the defences i had against both mental and physical pain that I spent 18 years building up, they're all gone and shattered. And the entire few months between me last seeing her,by all reports she was all excited and happy about coming up here, even going so far as to book the train tickets and not only that but just the day before, with my mum a happy birthday as her future mother in law. Then the bomb dropped a week before she was meant to be here. I just don't get it.

i'm sad. the only phases of love i go through are the painful ones. no passion, no bliss. just the bitter after taste. the dreadful thought that she's going out with someone else tomorrow beacuse i didnt do anything, that keeps me up at night. and all 3 of my friends are going away and i feel lost. and i wish i could sleep.

I want to find a cheap driving instructor, the only one I know of is $360 for 6 lessons, which I guess is all the lessons you need to learn to drive [editline]26th September 2015[/editline] why did I forget to mention, I have no motivation to look up anything of the sort

[QUOTE=RayvenQ;48769763]It's just ridiculously hard to get past how I got dumped, because I'm just left dazed and confused with no explanation as to why, when it was all good and nothing had gone wrong or anything and I'd not done anything to deserve it at all. And on top of that, I now have to get over how she impacted my life in so many ways. My computer and desk, that I'm at 90% of the time? She was here when I got it. My mealdeals I'm so fond of, only started getting them when we'd first got together. Couple of games? I either played them with her or she watched or she bought me, songs that she got me liking and listening to, the TV that I got primarily so we could play games better on it. My cat, who she loved to cuddle, Hell, I can't even make the only thing i drink, a cup of tea without thinking about her, as i always used to tell her i was making one in a silly voice to make her laugh, same with going to the toilet, where we'd tell each other in funny voices. Seagulls, as we laughed about those loads of times. A group of friends online that I had, who i met when i messaged one of the members while out with her, and much much more, just how the hell do i get over that when it's so intrinsicly linked in my life? I'm not a person, I never have been, I'm a mirror, I reflect and be what people need me to be, I always have, THAT is who I am. And all this, it's broken down all the defences i had against both mental and physical pain that I spent 18 years building up, they're all gone and shattered. And the entire few months between me last seeing her,by all reports she was all excited and happy about coming up here, even going so far as to book the train tickets and not only that but just the day before, with my mum a happy birthday as her future mother in law. Then the bomb dropped a week before she was meant to be here. I just don't get it.[/QUOTE] The only thing I can say is that you really don't know what is going on in her head. I know that doesn't sound reassuring. What I mean is you can pore over every single moment you have spent with her and still be no closer to the answers because you just don't have all the information. It's like what happens when somebody you know or love dies of suicide. The survivors are left with a mystery that is impossible to solve because nobody can understand just what was happening in that person's mind when they did it. I don;t have your answer and you don't have your answer and it's possible you never will and it's possible that she doesn't even have the answer. Sorry. God this response is so depressing i don't even know if I'm doing more harm than good by writing it.

I seem to have some trouble being truly excited about my own accomplishments and the accomplishments of others. I've just been trying to imagine the right way to be excited about it all and sort of "fake it til you make it", but I still haven't reached where I'd like to be, and actually feel it. Any tips or advice for this? [editline]26th September 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=RayvenQ;48769763]It's just ridiculously hard to get past how I got dumped, because I'm just left dazed and confused with no explanation as to why, when it was all good and nothing had gone wrong or anything and I'd not done anything to deserve it at all. And on top of that, I now have to get over how she impacted my life in so many ways. My computer and desk, that I'm at 90% of the time? She was here when I got it. My mealdeals I'm so fond of, only started getting them when we'd first got together. Couple of games? I either played them with her or she watched or she bought me, songs that she got me liking and listening to, the TV that I got primarily so we could play games better on it. My cat, who she loved to cuddle, Hell, I can't even make the only thing i drink, a cup of tea without thinking about her, as i always used to tell her i was making one in a silly voice to make her laugh, same with going to the toilet, where we'd tell each other in funny voices. Seagulls, as we laughed about those loads of times. A group of friends online that I had, who i met when i messaged one of the members while out with her, and much much more, just how the hell do i get over that when it's so intrinsicly linked in my life? I'm not a person, I never have been, I'm a mirror, I reflect and be what people need me to be, I always have, THAT is who I am. And all this, it's broken down all the defences i had against both mental and physical pain that I spent 18 years building up, they're all gone and shattered. And the entire few months between me last seeing her,by all reports she was all excited and happy about coming up here, even going so far as to book the train tickets and not only that but just the day before, with my mum a happy birthday as her future mother in law. Then the bomb dropped a week before she was meant to be here. I just don't get it.[/QUOTE] I know this sensation and how intricately someone else can wind themselves into your life and the pain of always remembering or dwelling on it because of the objects around you. The best advice I could give is to empower yourself as much as you can and focus on moving forward instead of dwelling on the past at all. Start by changing your mindset and doing things to keep yourself productive and happy; take up a new hobby or sport. Secondly get rid of as much as you can that reminds you of her. When I had a break up after a decently long relationship I held onto some objects that reminded me of her, even continuing to wear the ring that she gave me one christmas, but then one day I foolishly did a pull-up while still wearing the ring and it hurt the inside of my knuckle and gave me some calcification that has been hurting for months; long story short, I don't wear that ring anymore or any ring for that matter, because I have taken up hobbies to help my fitness that would be hindered by wearing a ring. This small incident made me realize I should throw away the rest of the baggage hanging around, so I threw out all of the silly things I held onto that reminded me of her: hats, feathers, picture frames, etc and cleaned up my living space. Keep everything utilitarian, like your desk and tv, and always remember that you bought them because you wanted them, and that she just happened to be there. Every decision was yours and always will be, you are the man and you can continue to sculpt your own life!

My intrusive thoughts are starting to make me sincerely wish that when I get the results of my blood work back that it's something I have to be hospitalized for so I can just rest and ignore all of my responsibilities for several weeks.

I dunno what this threads really for but, for whatever reason I haven't been able to bring myself to leave the house for anything except groceries the last 2 months or so. I've pretty much fucked up uni because of this anxiety, and to make matters worse I just found out my Grandfather fell while getting up this morning and died, I had been meaning to go up and see them for the last 2 months but hadn't been able to bring myself to have them see me in such a shit state [editline]27th September 2015[/editline] shit sucks tbh [editline]27th September 2015[/editline] was literally going to go up and see them yesterday but felt too anxious to do it

Not sure I want to keep on living this way of sleep>work repeat, it's really getting to me and the tedious mediocrity of it combined with the fact that if I died nobody would on this entire planet combined could care, sure this is the internet so with that in mind even less of you have a reason to care. Still would like to know why in the fuck I was raised to deal with this in mind, there's a few good days and most are so fricken terrible that the only relief is writing in a journal about how shit they were. Except sometimes they are such terrible days they just leave me sobbing alone and thinking of different ways to die. welp off to bed for yet more work!