Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Limed00d;49991733]Do you know the name of it? If you don't mind me asking.[/QUOTE]I just got it now, it's Prozac. I don't really know what the consensus is on it but it seems like an ok place to start.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49992665]I just got it now, it's Prozac. I don't really know what the consensus is on it but it seems like an ok place to start.[/QUOTE] If you have [I]any[/I] questions at all about it, feel free to ask me, whether on here or Steam. I take Prozac too and am familiar with its side effects and such.

what does depression feel like? i've been having consecutive feeling of fear and hopelessness for my future for many years now and i've always thought it was kinda natural feelings of a teenager. but now i've been pondering about it even more than usual to the point that i have to let someone know. i've been doing worse in school over the years. all of my friends are excelling in honors-level classes and college-level courses, while here i am failing basic on-level algebra classes. i feel like i kinda don't deserve to be their friend. i never tell them how im doing in my classes because compared to what they do, im a joke. a big fat joke. ever since middle school hit, my grades dropped hard, and have been for the past almost 6 years. i turn 18 years old next month. i don't have my drivers permit. my parents don't want me to get a job. i always wanted a job since i was 13. i have to make up a bunch of credits to graduate next year. so by the time i might even have my high school diploma, ill be 20-21 years old. heh, a 21 year old with no work experience, living with his parents. how fucking pathetic am i. i even have suicidal thoughts sometimes, but i always assumed it was just my teenage mind messing with me. in a sense, i guess you could say i kinda just hide my emotions. everytime i show any bit of sadness, it bums out the people around me, which makes me feel like even more of a piece of shit. suicidal thoughts always kinda mellowed me out sometimes. letting you know theres always just a way to end it all. i start spring break tomorrow. i was going to try to at least get my permit, but i just had this realization today of how fucked my future will be. lost all motivation. gonna go bury my face in my pillow now. i just needed to get all this shit off my chest.

Does anyone else here feel pangs of extreme anxiety every now and then? I try to meditate where possible but there are some extremities where it simply isn't possible. What do you do then?

I simply have no ambitions at all. I can't imagine myself living a happy, fulfilled life as I can't think of anything what should I do after school. While most right now are happily preparing for exams, I sit dumbfolded and wonder what future holds for such an unmotivated, untalented person like me. Not saying I'm feeling depressed, but I feel like I'm standing on a railroad and there's train coming at me full-speed, which I can't move away from.

[QUOTE=icarusfoundyou;49993382]Does anyone else here feel pangs of extreme anxiety every now and then? I try to meditate where possible but there are some extremities where it simply isn't possible. What do you do then?[/QUOTE]In all honesty - I isolate myself until it passes. I've never found a way to suppress it in the moment.

I really wish I knew the answer to find the motivation again. I haven't been caring about school anymore, or anything to a disturbing degree. I have nothing I look forward to, no dreams or interests anymore. I desperately want to cling to something again, to have something to hold onto but I just don't know. I think I'm wasting my money and time in school. Like I can put on a happy face when I'm around everyone but I come home and I just feel fucking empty and lay in bed wondering what to do with myself. I finish school and that's it, I don't get a job because I'm an idiot going to fucking art college. And I can't tell if it's sadness or if I genuinely don't care about acting or performance anymore. Meds aren't really doing a crazy amount. and fuck I thought I was over this breakup business but I still think about her and miss her so much. I think there's this weird underlying feeling of worthlessness knowing I'm sitting around getting worse, failing classes and failing with women while she's out there happy and not rememebring me

So a friend started acting like a cock to me out of the blue today and when I asked what was wrong he replied "Nothing you're concerned about" and then removed me a bit afterward. I guess I really am a fucking burden.

i sure love being told to get ready to leave by a certain time and 19 fucking hours later they still haven't showed up to pick me up [editline]23rd March 2016[/editline] "i'll bring food" YEAH I'LL BE SURE TO SAVE SOME ROOM

Having epilepsy fucking sucks, I'm taking meds for it but the longer you take it, the greater the chance of side effects occurs. I'm pretty bummed out about it, I was looking forward to getting eye surgery and finally being able to drive, but now the doc said I won't be able to for a while until they're sure i don't have a seizure while on meds for a long time.

[QUOTE=NoobSauce;49992798] i turn 18 years old next month. i don't have my drivers permit. my parents don't want me to get a job. i always wanted a job since i was 13.[/QUOTE] My parents pulled a similar thing with me, they didn't want me to get my driver's permit or to get a job, and when once I hit 18 they started to call me lazy when I was searching and applying to over 40 places. Everyone who frequents this thread knows how messed up my situation was. Depending on your parents, if they're reasonable, explain that you need to get on that permit ASAP. The more you delay it the harder it will be. You are not fucked though. Your future isnt fucked over the drivers permit. And about driving? Driving is fun. I don't have my permit still, but im working on it.

I need to learn how to drive but I'm so scared that my ADD is going to act up. Plus I live in Alabama so the drivers here are horrible

Is 20mg a small Prozac dosage?

Again I'm going through shit. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled I have a job (at least for now) I'm happy I'm not homeless, I'm excited because its nearly spring, (I mean it is but the weather isnt warm for another month) and I'm glad I'm alive and relativley healthy. But that shit is slipping out of my hands... again... The people we're working for, are taking their sweet time to pay us, I'm scared they might not pay. They keep trying to get us to work for cheaper, they should have sent the check to my uncle 3 weeks ago and they still wont send it. They say "oh we'll send it eventually." if they think we're gonna do it for free, if that's the case and if I dont get paid this week or next week, I'm quitting and running the fuck away with the little bit of money I do have. We get paid weekly, I also found out I'm getting paid much much less than what I thought, so I'm a little less motivated to work now. The only thing I am GARUNTEED to have to look forward to about work is getting exercise, other than that I'm starting to lose motivation because no money. I still have two more days of work this week. He told me "Nah remember? I said $300! You don't remember stuff." He clearly said $500 multiple times, even in front of my grandpa. So, idk shit never goes my way. I can make $300 a week working at a fucking mcdonalds I bet. Life is a big tease. I think it's going to get better and then "whoop nope sorry lmao." [editline]24th March 2016[/editline] ... Also is it possible to be partially retarded? Like I'm not kidding I seriously think I'm a tiny bit delayed or something, I can't put my finger on it, not like partially retarded, but somewhere inbetween normal and slightly retarded. When I don't understand something, its very hard for me to learn most things. A lot of people get very frusterated with me. Maybe I'm not retarded, but at my job my uncle and co workers make me feel very stupid. I've never had a job before and all of them get very frusterated at me because I am "not fast enough" and they get very mad when I am not doing something right, I am putting in all of my effort and pay attention when they tell me something. Sometimes I dont hear them and I ask "what?" or "I cant hear can you repeat that?" a lot. I think I might be slightly deaf. What do they expect?! I grew up verbally (sometimes physically) abused from a broken family in the ghetto, was NOT ALLOWED to have any social life, no friends, a job, anything important, I was constantly rejected by my peers, my family expected me to cook clean and make babies, and I'm surprised I didn't turn out worse. I've still been able to keep my motivation to live and try my best these 18 years, But still It's not good enough for the world and I'm beating myself up over it because that's what I've been taught. I blame myself when I shouldn't be. I've done nothing but gave it my all to adapt to just being alive and my circumstances have always been against me, when I make any progress at all it's out of luck or my own resourcefulness. I just feel like I wasn't meant to be alive.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49998326]Is 20mg a small Prozac dosage?[/QUOTE] That's generally where they start people off at.

I've felt surprisingly "okay" the past week despite only sitting at home. probably because I've gotten consumed by Minecraft again but that interest has begun dying, like it always does. now the depression and thoughts that have been building up in the background is hitting. feeling lonely and uninteresting, the typical things. I know so many people who like to make a "number" or make themselves more visible by being loud in voice, movements or interactions in general. making themselves more noticeable you know? I wish I had the energy and confidence to do this. I'm thinking of dancing at parties, doing funny shit, using their body in general rather than just sitting there like an uninteresting sloth. personally, I don't really tend to make much of a number. I'm the person who usually ends up sitting in a couch and having more "serious" conversations. it's the easiest, it requires little from me. I never really joke around or mess with others in the fear that whatever pops out of my mouth is gonna be in poor taste. I don't really have any jokes or ideas idling in my head either. it makes me feel vulnerable in general to do anything but conversations. it opens up the opportunity for others to think "damn he's weird", "what a creep" and so on. all of this makes me feel uninteresting since all you really get from me are conversations. it's not always I have much to converse about either, I usually just ask about others. when conversing isn't an option, things quickly get boring. I don't really feel like I have the right type of friends either surrounding me. I don't feel like I'm given enough attention but maybe I'm just deluded. I very rarely take any initiative as this is also another thing that makes me feel vulnerable. yet again, gives people the opportunity to have ill thoughts about me like "this guy is clingy", "god he's nagging again", and bla bla bla. then there's what I said at the top of this paragraph, I don't really like my selection of friends either. I got a little carried away with all of that but the reason why I came in here to begin with is because of some pictures and videos of the girl I was dating. her and my "best friend" are drinking today by themselves and of course that's all over snapchat. I feel really left out but at the same time I couldn't have gone there. it also hurts to see her knowing that nothing will ever happen. I also know it would have never worked though, so eh. it also hurts to see my best friend say that she is her best friend when my friend has stated in the past that "you can only really have one best friend" and that I was that person. [editline]24th March 2016[/editline] I really wish I had a stable circle of friends. not saying they are unstable (they are) but rather that I want a circle that won't fall apart anytime soon. I only have two people I can ask if I want to hang out with someone, that's too little. I wish I had about 5-6 people I could ask so I could cover my social needs. when I only have two people, the chance that both are busy or can't be arsed is too high. I wouldn't feel so stressed about doing shit if I knew that people wouldn't disappear but right now, I sit with that uncertainty. it feels like my huge circle of two people could disappear and never come back during the next 5 minutes. I don't think it'll literally happen, but that's my feeling about this. too unreliable [editline]25th March 2016[/editline] I've noticed as of late that I always seem to have these ideas that people sort of have hidden intentions? I'm not sure how to word it. paranoia? for example my friend, I always feel like she's lying one way or another, that friends talk shit behind my back, that some people I don't know but would call borderline friends also talk shit. I feel like people look down at me to the point where lying to avoid me or talks behind my back will happen.

You can probably avoid people who tend to gossip (shit talk) about your friends or you behind your back as they tend to be the most dramatic and unstable of people to have as a friend, that's not to say they're bad but that you'll have to work a lot of differences out and you'll have a solid friendship at the end of it, I prefer to talk good about people behind their back because it's all too easy to take it too far even if it's someone I despise completely I'd rather remember something good they did than focus on their bad side. Nope, got very few to zero friends to meet up with in life and doing just fine being a hermit. Kind of regretting some life choices early on because now I am stuck in a mostly deadend job that's going to get harder to get out with now I am older, I've always been frightened and angry when thinking about getting back into education and each day it's looking like the only escape route, the thing that makes me worry the most though is that it could be all too easy to pick a subject that teaches me much but again leaves me back into a deadend job. It makes me question so much about my job and aspirations that I don't know if it's even worth it to go back to education or just simply keep calm and carry on until the death. I've also got a problem with death too, I have this one friend who wants to die but because of my own suicidal nature it makes for a very awkward conversation where I want this friend to stay alive because they too give me a reason to live but leaves me feeling hypocritical and unable to answer them sensibly.

I'm getting surgery tomorrow for this thing going on with my stomach where arteries are crushing my intestines and food can't pass through easily and acid pools up into my stomach. The fucked up thing is even though I get extremely sick after I eat and that my doctor gave me proof, I have convinced myself that I make it all up in my head and that because college was too stressful for me and I wanted an excuse to drop out.

I have long periods of depersonalization where I feel like I'm controlling someone else, going through the motions, etc. I used to feel strong emotions but now I.... I just don't really give a shit. I feel no strong emotion whatsoever, ever. I do what i want because I want to with pretty overt lacking of giving a shit because why should I? I'll end up walking to the food court after rolling out of bed in nothing but a robe and pyjama pants because I just don't care, or tell people when they're talking to mr and I don't care. People say I ooze with confidence because of, but the reality is that I juse don't feel a strong connection to society as a whole. I used to be socially awkward as hell but then I just stopped caring what people think of me- and people take it as me knowing what I'm doing. It's very odd. Right now I'm dating this girl and it's the strangest thing because she's essentially been living in my dorm room for a month and I was fantasizing about going steady instead of hooking up for a while and I just... I don't feel the same emotions she does. I just don't really care one way or the other I feel like an unfeeling robot but I don't even think I care, it's weird. If people didn't take it as confidence it would likely be socially crippling

Just popped my first venlafaxine capsule. Honestly, I'm worried how I will react :tinfoil:

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;50002987]Just popped my first venlafaxine capsule. Honestly, I'm worried how I will react :tinfoil:[/QUOTE] feels good. one thing is that you might be a bit more "cold" or neutral in your feelings.

paindoc changed his steam avatar, i'm so happy he's alive

Hey guys hahaha I lost my job!!! Isn't that just [I]great?![/I] So what happened was:my uncle keeps taking out his anger on me because the person never paid the money. What happened was all this week I've been putting in my 100% effort, following orders, doing my best work, if I finished something, I immediately asked for something to do, if I didn't know something, I asked. The problem was, my uncle was getting pissed off at me for asking 2-3 times how to do something because I didn't understand his instructions, he isn't clear at all and sometimes forgets to tell us all what to do. He told us to wait until another co worker came to start a job because we didn't have the right tools to do the job, and that co worker had the tools and was on his way, so while we were waiting we decided to drink some water and my uncle started yelling at me saying "HALEY STOP STANDING AROUND! DO WHAT I TOLD YOU." and I said "I'm sorry! You told me to wait until Josh got here! He has the tools, we cant start until he gets here!" he said "you have a tool right there" he told me to use the wrong type of tool for this particular job and told me to work with it, and of course I struggled because it wasn't the right tool... and yeah he got mad at me, I teared up and he yelled at me for crying and wow I want to fucking shoot myself. There's maybe over a dozen places I can apply to here but I doubt I'll have any luck getting a job. If I end up not getting a job I'm fucked and am stuck on this island broke and if I get depressed my grandpa will be pissed at me and I'll be kicked out of my grandpa's house. If I'm homeless on this island It costs a lot of money to take a boat off, not to mention I'd be in hyannis which is so far from logan airport if I wanted to fly anywhere. Hahahaha. Wow is there a god? If there is he really likes fucking me over. Constantly. 24/7. I also want to get tested for BDD because I think I have body dysmorphia disorder and see myself as 1,000 times fatter and uglier than other people see me. It's bad. I'm always upset with my appearance and I work fucking hard to fix it and I still am not happy. Thoughts like these are always running through my head on a constant basis when I'm not thinking about other things. If I see myself in a reflection I think: [I]"Your stomach is gross. Get it flat and toned again, Just lose 5 more lbs!"[/I] *I lose those 5 lbs* [I]"... ew lose 10 more lbs..."[/I] *I lose those* [I]"fucking gross you're still fat lose 40...your face and jaw is crooked and makes you look weird and you look like you have lazy eyes it's ugly and makes you look retarded." [/I] ... I can't help my jaw and face being crooked because I have TMJ from that time I got fucking beat in the face by some asshole at school a long time ago, but still I feel ugly for it and it makes me stutter every now and then because it physically hurts some days... not getting treatment because I'd have to have my mouth wired shut for 6 weeks and its a painful surgery. I want to see myself how others see me or lose 40 pounds. I don't need to lose 40, in reality I should lose like, 10-15 but I want to because then I'll look good in anything and I wont be scared to wear a bikini anymore. I wish there was a how-to guide on not being so hard on yourself. [editline]25th March 2016[/editline] ... idk thou starting to think god jacks off to my suffering because I've got such a strong will to just fucking survive. I am suicidal and I want to kill myself, but there's multiple things keeping me from doing it. 1.) I'm fucking scared shitless of what could or couldn't be in the afterlife. If it's nothingness, that scares me. The idea of not existing freaks me out. If it's a god, that scares me too because I'm agnostic and gay and would most likely go to hell depending on which religion is right. 2.) Some small part of me has slight hope that maybe I'll turn out okay and have a stable life that I have full control over and external situations and other people won't ruin my life anymore. Seriously, All I've been doing since I was born was give life my all and I've been knocked down over and over and over again. What kind of a life is that? It starts to get depressing after awhile. 3.) I hope maybe I can help other people who might be in my shoes some day. 4.) I know I do have some people who would be depressed if I were gone, I don't want to leave them. Which is why I hope that no god comes back to visit this planet if there is one (or multiple), or if science is able to find out what actually happens after death and confirm it completely.

[QUOTE]If I'm homeless on this island It costs a lot of money to take a boat off, not to mention I'd be in hyannis which is so far from logan airport if I wanted to fly anywhere.[/QUOTE] I mean the original offer I made you still stands unless you wanna try a go at that one. E. I get depressed about having little time off at work and on my time off, I get sad about not having any work. I need to find a new job.

Drunk version of me is the me i wish i could always be. smiling, generous, sociable, and uninhibited by anxiety.

[QUOTE=kimr120;50003075]feels good. one thing is that you might be a bit more "cold" or neutral in your feelings.[/QUOTE] Just took todays dosage, but my hands have been shaky all morning. If this keeps on going today then I'm calling it quits. It's quite funny. Depression can make me feel worthless at times, so I get medication. Now the medication has impaired me severely in the field where my marketable skills are :suicide:

[QUOTE=burgerdemon;50006440]Drunk version of me is the me i wish i could always be. smiling, generous, sociable, and uninhibited by anxiety.[/QUOTE] Dude for real. I almost can't remember why I'm depressed right now. [i]Almost[/i]. Thank God for bourbon.

I feel like I'm actually a really bad person... Every time I try to fit in somewhere I just weird people out.

Started taking Taurine again. Seems to be really helping me. My mood is flat as hell when I'm using it but inbetween taking it I'm pretty happy. The motivational and nootropic effects seems to carry over throughout the day as well. Good anti-anxiety effects as well. Maybe even [I]too[/I] good. Just learnt that it's also a TNF-a inhibitor, probably why it seems to be helping with my inflammation and brain fog. Though now I wake up with a blocked up nose and feeling almost drugged for the first 30 minutes of the day. It passes but it still throws me off. Thanks to taking though it I've started drawing again. Last time I drawed (drew?) regularly was Novemberish of last year. Finally started going back to bed at a mostly normal time (mostly to set aside time to draw), but I guess it'll help with when I eventually go back to work. I left it on a bad rutt I had, but I came back breaking through it in only an hour. I need to buy some more reference books however. I'm still worried about what's going to happen when I go back to work next week. I hope it works out alright. Still need to talk to the store manager or whoever I need to talk to about swapping out hours in my current department to another, if only to ensure a safety net in case I actually do get kicked out of my department. We'll see anyway.

starting to detach from everything again. becoming numb.