Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Do you guys ever get spells of bordom, where the games and movies you'd normally enjoy don't have any effects on you? One thing I've noticed about me is that if I think there is a chance I won't succeed at something I'll do my best to avoid it, anything that I perceive as difficult or something that someone else would beat me at, I'll avoid it. Basically any perceive challenges I'll go "fuck this, I'll do something I'm successful at". It just seems to me that if you aren't naturally good at something or someone else is better at it, you should look for something else you have an aptitude for. But one thing I don't understand is that it doesn't seems like working is that hard and yet the people in my industry are very very picky, which contributes to me self loathing. The people in my industry expect me to make fully accurate 3D that are 100 percent realistic and rotoscope with 100% accuracy on every frame for entry level work and despite how much I practice and try I never improve and it shits me. I feel like everyone in the world can pain the Mona Lisa and I have some limiting factor. It's like everything I have any interest in, I'm just naturally not good at and if I don't find a boring soul crush career I'll just end as one of those people who gets ridiculed for being a drain on society. I wish more than anything I could go back to 5 years ago and make a realistic career choice, instead of trying to get good at something I'm not naturally good at, I mean I'm 27 and completely waste the time I could have spent doing something meaningful. it's just infuriating that I could be so stupid. It's like "be a number" or "be a loser" and I don't know which is worse. Either way I'll never any validation or do anything significant.

the prozac is fucking up my stomach real bad, I've eaten close to nothing for the past three days

I just realized, my previous statement wasn't entirely true. I have felt legitimate feelings for two girls, although it didn't work out with them. The worst thing is, I don't even know what didn't work. They both came onto my first- I wasn't the active one at first, they actively sought me out (one of them even waited outside my classroom after class to ask me out) and... nothing. The first one ended up saying that we had "nothing in common" even though we had incredibly compatible personalities, and then she ended up dating someone who was exactly like me but who was way more submissive, and the second one after a few dates up an disappeared without a damn trace without telling me what happened. When I tried to contact her after that, no reply ever again. The first was the prettiest girl I'll likely be with in my life (No joke, she was dead-drop gorgeous, when she jumped into my lap at a party I thought it was too good to be true) and the second was still very cute, but the worst thing... the worst thing of all about this is that there WON'T be future girls like that. Since I'm transitioning, my access to qt3.14 girls will likely completely vanish forever, making it not even a shadow of a possibility. Maybe I just shouldn't transition and end up killing myself at 30 so I can actually enjoy my existence until then

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;50010120]the prozac is fucking up my stomach real bad, I've eaten close to nothing for the past three days[/QUOTE] Anything that affects your brain will change your eating habits. I used to eat tons before I got put on adderral but now I just eat 3 meals a day like a normal person

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;50009481]Do you guys ever get spells of bordom, where the games and movies you'd normally enjoy don't have any effects on you? One thing I've noticed about me is that if I think there is a chance I won't succeed at something I'll do my best to avoid it, anything that I perceive as difficult or something that someone else would beat me at, I'll avoid it. Basically any perceive challenges I'll go "fuck this, I'll do something I'm successful at". It just seems to me that if you aren't naturally good at something or someone else is better at it, you should look for something else you have an aptitude for. But one thing I don't understand is that it doesn't seems like working is that hard and yet the people in my industry are very very picky, which contributes to me self loathing. The people in my industry expect me to make fully accurate 3D that are 100 percent realistic and rotoscope with 100% accuracy on every frame for entry level work and despite how much I practice and try I never improve and it shits me. I feel like everyone in the world can pain the Mona Lisa and I have some limiting factor. It's like everything I have any interest in, I'm just naturally not good at and if I don't find a boring soul crush career I'll just end as one of those people who gets ridiculed for being a drain on society. I wish more than anything I could go back to 5 years ago and make a realistic career choice, instead of trying to get good at something I'm not naturally good at, I mean I'm 27 and completely waste the time I could have spent doing something meaningful. it's just infuriating that I could be so stupid. It's like "be a number" or "be a loser" and I don't know which is worse. Either way I'll never any validation or do anything significant.[/QUOTE] After spending some more time in the psychiatric ward, sharing room with someone who on a regular basis puked in the sink, thinking the food was poisoned, and being forced to listen to a psychotic Christian that argued with a guy believing himself to be Jesus in the smoking lounge, I had this moment of realization that if this is where they put me, I should probably make adjustments to my way of approaching reality. Practicing some deep vipassana meditation led me to the conclusion that, as the reflection of the moon in the water is not the moon itself, neither the reflection of others nor yours of yourself, is really you. The electrical signals of the central nervous system is just like a lightning bolt, it appears because of conditions of reality and transmigrates into another form of energy. There's no substance in validating or pondering the significance of the conditioned phenomena because it is all intrinsically empty information. Thinking something is a problem makes it problematic, just as being socially anxious is just experiencing anxiety while being social. Noticing these empty perceptions as they arise we can pursue different behaviors ultimately leading to peace of mind. We are addicted to these notions of being a "failure" or "stupid" or being "anxious" and are consumed by them, when the buddhist message is to just; Notice, smile and let go.

I had to spend an overnight in a hospital when my parents called the cops on me for screaming in fear and yelling at them when they all came at me yelling over donald trump. Immediatley after that I was homeless because they don't want me back. I saw some fucked up shit. My room was right outside a bunch of drunk old men who were clearly senile or something, there was no door... I was one of the only young females there and I was terified of being raped because all they had me wearing was a hospital gown and some ugly hospital sweat pants that didnt fit me right so they kept slipping when I walked to the bathroom and back. Would have been easy for them to just slide in my room while no one was looking and do it. They stared at me licking their lips it scared me. the nurses kept telling me "you dont belong here I'm sorry you had to go through that." and "we'll do what we can to get you out of here as soon as posible, but legally we have to keep you overnight because the pshychiatric's offices are closed." something like that. Everyone could tell I was sane, I had to wait for someone "qualified" to judge if I was sane or not and obviously they let me out that afternoon and that's when I had to shedule the police escort to get my belongings. Mental hospitals are not fun. I mean ffs half of us people suffering from depression dont belong there. They group all of the people with "brain disorders" into one big group and is a clusterfuck bullshit mess. You dont stick a tiny little 18 year old girl suffering from depression who was just kicked out of her home, with a bunch of insane, drunk, men and people screaming while soiling and pissing themselves. The few times I got up to use the bathroom, I was getting stares from these men and smiles and it freaked me the fuck out. I had to stay SANE seeing all of that outside my room. [editline]27th March 2016[/editline] [B]> Keep in mind this was last month when I was kicked out this was not recent.[/B] [editline]27th March 2016[/editline] I still get occasional shivers when I think about what could have happened.

[QUOTE=CoixNiro;50009035]I feel like I'm actually a really bad person... Every time I try to fit in somewhere I just weird people out.[/QUOTE] To put things in perspective, as a sufferer from Bipolar Disorder, I have preached relentlessly about God to friends even though I believe such an entity is a fruitless investment to pursue. I have been the one in the hospital emergency room crying hysterically in front of 10 complete strangers. I have broken up with my ex for no apparent reason feeling nothing walking away, while she is left completely heart broken until I become stable again and regret my decision. Feeling weird is just anxiety about expectations and rejection. But when we learn to continue to express ourselves despite these anxieties, we learn to develop a healthy attitude towards being socially outgoing. There's a psychosocial identity development theory constructed by Erik Erikson which explains that at certain ages, we question certain parts of who we are, and right now, you might be developing ideas about whether you should attend or avoid social circumstances. Long lasting isolation usually leads to clinical depression, while an active social life stimulates the mood. Your choice is what social situations you would want to take part in. [editline]27th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Creatrick;49993533]I simply have no ambitions at all. I can't imagine myself living a happy, fulfilled life as I can't think of anything what should I do after school. While most right now are happily preparing for exams, I sit dumbfolded and wonder what future holds for such an unmotivated, untalented person like me. Not saying I'm feeling depressed, but I feel like I'm standing on a railroad and there's train coming at me full-speed, which I can't move away from.[/QUOTE] Seeing as you're being happy about the exams that the choices in life has presented to you here and now, I suggest the notion that future doors will present itself which in turn will be attractive in varying degrees, while you most certainly will choose to enter the most attractive one, after another, always towards your understanding of what will make you the most happy. Reflecting upon something that can't be seen but yet is coming, is sailing the boat on the river of dreams in the night, there might have been waves in the past rocking the boat and perhaps will be in the future. But you will still find yourself comfortable in perceiving the boat. The here and now.

You know the psych ward for me wasn't too bad. Though they couldn't sedate me at all and the stuff they gave me to calm down just made me hallucinate. They were also very worried that I was going to murder every single person in there. That's the joy of being Hunter S Thompson/Artist crazy. So god damn sane you're unsane for you don't fit in at all.

Wow, I just had what I thought was a friend send me a bunch of messages yesterday that honestly makes me just want to stop talking to him altogether. I'm finding out more and more that people I considered friends expect me to drop everything for them/do favors for them, only for them to never help me back, or ask how [I]I[/I] am doing for once. Fuck people sometimes.

[QUOTE=healthpoint;50016153]Wow, I just had what I thought was a friend send me a bunch of messages yesterday that honestly makes me just want to stop talking to him altogether. I'm finding out more and more that people I considered friends expect me to drop everything for them/do favors for them, only for them to never help me back, or ask how [I]I[/I] am doing for once. Fuck people sometimes.[/QUOTE] I've had to deal with the exact same thing until recently. I just cut the ties all together.

So, after doing some research, it seems that the first leg of my journey via freighthopping would almost definitely take me eastward or westward. West leads me to Seattle, East goes to Chicago. I wouldn't mind going to Seattle for the start of my fishing journey. Sounds kinda nice actually. Either way though, need to goto my therapist on the 29th, and will probably go for a 3 month fill on medications so I can at the very least not end up withdrawling from Prozac, Ativan, and my inhalers mid-journey.

[QUOTE=healthpoint;50016153]Wow, I just had what I thought was a friend send me a bunch of messages yesterday that honestly makes me just want to stop talking to him altogether. I'm finding out more and more that people I considered friends expect me to drop everything for them/do favors for them, only for them to never help me back, or ask how [I]I[/I] am doing for once. Fuck people sometimes.[/QUOTE] Helping people only gets you so far. It's a good way to start, but it's not cool when the only thing you do is helping them, because then it's not a real friendship but a dude who sends you texts whenever he wants you to do something for him. I've learned that the hard way and it sucked a lot. Imagine being known by everyone and have everyone rely on you, but not give a fuck if you're okay or not.

I've noticed I've started to care a lot less about how my life is going. I have far less energy at my disposal and I don't really get that sad by sitting alone. at least I haven't felt much sadness this past week which in my eyes is kinda bad. without that sadness, I won't really feel much reason to actually do something about it, especially when I don't have that much energy. I'm just really empty.

i should mentally prepare myself to be alone for the rest of my life because currently it looks like its going to happen

Reading all these posts about horrible things happening to all y'all kinda puts it in perspective for me since I could have it so much worse. Of course my dad thinks it is the worst thing to be wrong so we'll butt heads from time to time plus he has a chemical imbalance in his head which makes him get huge anger issues when he doesn't take his meds. He also makes my sister's depression worse since she has this whole victim complex and he expects her to do simple things and she refuses to do them because of her depression. Like this one time he asked her to do the dishes and they started arguing about how she doesn't do the simple things he asks her to do, which caused her to break out in tears because of said victim complex which is making me pissed off since if I was doing some of the things she is doing I'd be in huge trouble with my parents. Then whenever I bring that up I get told to shut up and how that never happens and that my sister has depression. Its honestly getting old. Another time when neither my dad and I didn't take our meds I was trying to explain something technical to him and he get telling me to shut up and I kept trying to explain how to get something to work so he got up and grabbed me which led to us fighting. After we got torn apart he went somewhere to cool off and my mom asked us if we would be ok with kicking him out. Everyone in my family except my sister vehemently said no. My sister was saying things like "Sometimes things like this have to happen" and "Dad shouldn't have to be on his medication to act like a normal person." I honestly wanted to slap her as hard as I could for saying things like that.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;50017112]i should mentally prepare myself to be alone for the rest of my life because currently it looks like its going to happen[/QUOTE] I can see your thinking but noo, I have a strong feeling it won't be like this forever! I've felt the same thought you're posting about here, that I should mentally prepare myself to be a loner for life, but bam, suddenly I had friends again. out of nowhere, it just happened. maybe better to adapt to the moment but keep in mind that it won't be like this forever? mentally prepare for being alone in the moment, but have in mind that it will change?

but if I just sit here and keep being scared of literally nothing, keep being afraid of failing socially like I have so many times, I really do kind of think it's possible that it will end up like that. Nothing will be accomplished if I just sit here and do nothing, I know that, but how exactly can I just get out and do anything when I can't even drive and almost throw up from even getting too close to a stranger in public. It all just seems so hopeless.

Hello everyone, well im not im not that good talking with people, but sometimes i do fell need for someone to lisen well where i live Uk well im not native there i am a migrant from lithuania well i do like people here, but everything here is diffrent. I live here for a year now as some people say restarting new life living with father who i didnt live with for 10 years since the divorce. Well new family is nice and all but no matter how many chances i got ive become even more anti social and lonelier since i have difficulty trusting people since most friends i had just used me and when in trouble just backstabbed me. I do know what i want to do with my life but i have many problems i need to find way finaly get out of that anxiety and that little safe zone i call my room. People offer me chances to change but i am afraid to change so stuff like betryal and embarasment aont happen again. I keep minimal contact with family members in my homeland which i do know want to hear from me. Even to my own mother who tried and even got herself to let me live with father i would become better person. But i think im failing them and keeping them down no matter how many chances i got i never get my self to do it. A only few people i talk ocasionally are my old class mate who is of few people from homeland i keep in touch ocasionally playing video games but he noticed i becomed qieuter and keep losing intrest in things i used to do even in college i fell watched and afraid and embarased only in small friendly IT course classroom i fell but more secure but still lonely. Well my life is shit and all i need is courage i cant find to reach my dreams to finaly fit in the society as brave person. By the way happy easter

[QUOTE=Mysterious;50017280]but if I just sit here and keep being scared of literally nothing, keep being afraid of failing socially like I have so many times, I really do kind of think it's possible that it will end up like that. Nothing will be accomplished if I just sit here and do nothing, I know that, but how exactly can I just get out and do anything when I can't even drive and almost throw up from even getting too close to a stranger in public. It all just seems so hopeless.[/QUOTE] I have no idea if I can relate, but from what you're writing I feel like I can relate to you pretty strongly. I wasn't able to leave the house for what, 2 years? I sat on my ass all day and gained I think 30kg, life was super shit. I kid you not, I never left the house. the blinds were always down since I didn't want anyone to see me. couldn't even stand in front of a window since I was scared someone would see me. couldn't even spend time with my family. all I did was sit in front of the computer with toilet breaks. my mother had to bring food down since I wasn't able to walk upstairs to make it myself. it's weird how I even got out of that. there's this weird thing that seems to happen once you reach a certain point, the girl I was dating also spent 2 years in isolation and she described the same thing. at one point it's like a switch gets flipped and you just find out you can't take it anymore. an extreme surge of motivation to get better and an amazing feeling of well being. sometimes you need to reach the absolute bottom before you realize you need to go back up, and that's when that switch gets flipped. of course you can fix yourself long before you reach that point but might be comforting to know that shit just turns out alright anyway in the end? life just finds a way to work somehow. also, I have to recommend a hospital. I reached the point where I wasn't able to do anything on my own and the hospital helped with that. such a comforting thing to know that you don't really have to think, you don't really have to plan anything out, the hospital staff and your psychologist all figure it out for you and push you around. eventually you just get better and are able to stand on your own feet again!

There's a really good chance I'll never see my best friend again, and I don't really understand how I'm feeling. They're the only person I've ever truly loved, and I don't mean necessarily a romantic way. More of a siblings or family type love. I never cared for my family much but my friend means so much to me and I might never see them again. My heart is physically aching. I always thought that was a figure of speech or exaggeration. Maybe I fell in love with them, in a romantic sense, somewhere along the line. I don't know. I think I did. Doesn't matter now, I guess. We can keep in close contact, and we will, but a friendship can't be real and last a long time without physical presence, as far as I'm aware. It'll just fade away. I know that I'll find new people wherever I end up in life, but this one in particular just means so much to me, I don't know how I'll get past it. I know that this is probably down to me being a dipshit 17-year-old with no life experience or perspective but this is really hard. I miss them already.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;50018645] I know that this is probably down to me being a dipshit 17-year-old with no life experience or perspective but this is really hard. I miss them already.[/QUOTE] Bro do not ever say that. Just because you are 17 doesn't mean your a dipshit for loving your friend(s). There's so many people out there today even older than you that friendship means jack shit to them. The fact that your heart is breaking over someone who is a friend means alot about the type of person you are. You are a good person man, you care about your friendship with your friend and I respect that. You can keep a good friendship with people even without physical presence. Kirbyfactor a facepuncher on here is a good friend of mine, and has been for about 2-3 years now, if not longer. We live in two different countries, but I go to him for pretty much anything, and he knows he can come to me about anything. Whether it be about girls, work, or just life in general, he has always been there for me. Trust me man, I know how you feel, but you should take comfort in the fact that you are such a good friend bro. [editline]27th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Mysterious;50017280]but if I just sit here and keep being scared of literally nothing, keep being afraid of failing socially like I have so many times, I really do kind of think it's possible that it will end up like that. Nothing will be accomplished if I just sit here and do nothing, I know that, but how exactly can I just get out and do anything when I can't even drive and almost throw up from even getting too close to a stranger in public. It all just seems so hopeless.[/QUOTE] Bro, it's okay to be scared of meeting new people. Hell I am too, but not to the point of puking, but I get nervous. It's probably from the fact that my mom raised me to think everyone will try to hurt me and not to trust anyone, but that's not the point. I combat my fear of being social by making small talk with the clerks at stores. A simple "Hey how are you today?" or if it's a store you been to enough going "How have you been?" and when they respond, depending on what they say going "That's good to hear, glad you're doing good" or "Well I hope your day gets better." and if they say "I'm doing good, how about you" responded with how you're doing or something small that on is on your mind. It doesn't seem like much, but it helps. They can't really be mean to you, because they are working and it'd be unprofessional for them to be rude. Don't put yourself outta the game yet broesph, never put yourself outta the game. [editline]27th March 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=mralexs;50017127]Reading all these posts about horrible things happening to all y'all kinda puts it in perspective for me since I could have it so much worse. Of course my dad thinks it is the worst thing to be wrong so we'll butt heads from time to time plus he has a chemical imbalance in his head which makes him get huge anger issues when he doesn't take his meds. He also makes my sister's depression worse since she has this whole victim complex and he expects her to do simple things and she refuses to do them because of her depression. Like this one time he asked her to do the dishes and they started arguing about how she doesn't do the simple things he asks her to do, which caused her to break out in tears because of said victim complex which is making me pissed off since if I was doing some of the things she is doing I'd be in huge trouble with my parents. Then whenever I bring that up I get told to shut up and how that never happens and that my sister has depression. Its honestly getting old. Another time when neither my dad and I didn't take our meds I was trying to explain something technical to him and he get telling me to shut up and I kept trying to explain how to get something to work so he got up and grabbed me which led to us fighting. After we got torn apart he went somewhere to cool off and my mom asked us if we would be ok with kicking him out. Everyone in my family except my sister vehemently said no. My sister was saying things like "Sometimes things like this have to happen" and "Dad shouldn't have to be on his medication to act like a normal person." I honestly wanted to slap her as hard as I could for saying things like that.[/QUOTE] Your sister sounds like my mom. A person who wants to be abused. My mom use to get abused by my dad, and from what she told me about her growing up, she was use to being thrown around as a child. Eventually when my dad stopped living with us, and we moved to Georgia she took her anger out on me, and I have a very bad temper so I'd explode back at her, which then she'd try to egg it on, by getting in my face, or grabbing my arm when I'd clench my fist (down at my side grant you) to help me control my temper, and say things like "Oh you're gonna hit me, just like your dad." I've only ever hit my mom once when she grabbed me by the throat, because I tried to explain to her about why I hadn't done something yet, and she decided the best thing to do was to get in my face. I asked her to give me space and she grabbed my throat. I don't condone hitting of women, but I reacted and swung and knocked her in the jaw. I didn't beat her senseless, but she was stunned and began acting like the victim, saying how I am like my dad etc etc. Anyways man, I can feel ya on what you're going through. Just keep your head up, if ya need someone to talk to, just message me.

[QUOTE=mralexs;50017127]Reading all these posts about horrible things happening to all y'all kinda puts it in perspective for me since I could have it so much worse.[/QUOTE] See, this is how I put it. I went through some horrid shit, But I still firmly believe everyone's depression is valid, unless it's something petty like their parents not buying them an iPhone or something like that. Yeah, it could be worse. Putting things into perspective sometimes actually helps people with their depression, but people are still totally allowed to feel upset. If that makes any sense...

I finally mustered the courage to message that girl I was dating that just dropped communication for no reason and it went well then I asked her if we could still be friends or w/e because she was really cool and I also apologized for whatever I might have done (I don't think it was anything) that made her disconnect then I got no response why do people do the no response thing it's the worst way to cut someone out of your life, they just end up confused and not knowing why it happened. Cut them out after you explain what went wrong, not for no reason.

Seriously... Why it's "okay" for me to do 'slave labour' and not paid work, I will never know :v:

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;50021498]Seriously... Why it's "okay" for me to do 'slave labour' and not paid work, I will never know :v:[/QUOTE] slave labour?

[QUOTE=phygon;50020319]I finally mustered the courage to message that girl I was dating that just dropped communication for no reason and it went well then I asked her if we could still be friends or w/e because she was really cool and I also apologized for whatever I might have done (I don't think it was anything) that made her disconnect then I got no response why do people do the no response thing it's the worst way to cut someone out of your life, they just end up confused and not knowing why it happened. Cut them out after you explain what went wrong, not for no reason.[/QUOTE] Just take it as you didn't do anything wrong and she just doesn't want to admit that she might've done wrong, and the easiest thing to do for her is to just cut you off all together. Don't let it get to bro, there's gonna be plenty of girls that do that, you just gotta forget about em. I know that's not easy, cause I can never get into a relationship without it being serious. I've only ever had one relationship with a girl that wasn't serious, and its was because I was the other guy, and she only wanted me because I had a bigger johnson than her current boyfriend, which made me feel like nothing but a sex toy. That's besides the point though, don't let it get to you bro, just say fuck it, and move on.

can you be depressed without being sad? it seems obvious, I'd say yes, I think I've been very depressed before without feeling much sadness but I felt a lot of sadness before I got to that phase. now it feels like I've skipped the sadness and gone directly to "I don't really give a fuck about anything anymore" phase, drained of energy and will. I wouldn't say I'd be content with this, but I do notice I wouldn't really care if I ended up completely alone again. it would suck but I just don't feel anything in response to the thought. I've been so exhausted lately. socializing has become hard, my lust to socialize to begin with has decreased a lot and I can't really be bothered with anything anymore, like hygiene, sleeping schedule or even my weight loss which is actually a very big deal to me.

[QUOTE=PredGD;50022461]can you be depressed without being sad? it seems obvious, I'd say yes, I think I've been very depressed before without feeling much sadness but I felt a lot of sadness before I got to that phase. now it feels like I've skipped the sadness and gone directly to "I don't really give a fuck about anything anymore" phase, drained of energy and will. I wouldn't say I'd be content with this, but I do notice I wouldn't really care if I ended up completely alone again. it would suck but I just don't feel anything in response to the thought. I've been so exhausted lately. socializing has become hard, my lust to socialize to begin with has decreased a lot and I can't really be bothered with anything anymore, like hygiene, sleeping schedule or even my weight loss which is actually a very big deal to me.[/QUOTE] are you able to still find pleasure in things you like doing, or do you have trouble doing so? if yes, what you describe about your mood seems very similar to melancholic subtype of depression.

[QUOTE=PredGD;50022461]can you be depressed without being sad? it seems obvious, I'd say yes, I think I've been very depressed before without feeling much sadness but I felt a lot of sadness before I got to that phase. now it feels like I've skipped the sadness and gone directly to "I don't really give a fuck about anything anymore" phase, drained of energy and will. I wouldn't say I'd be content with this, but I do notice I wouldn't really care if I ended up completely alone again. it would suck but I just don't feel anything in response to the thought. I've been so exhausted lately. socializing has become hard, my lust to socialize to begin with has decreased a lot and I can't really be bothered with anything anymore, like hygiene, sleeping schedule or even my weight loss which is actually a very big deal to me.[/QUOTE] Welcome to the club dude! :joy: I don't even feel sad, just incredibly dead inside and I hide behind a mask of pretending I know what the fuck I'm doing, nobody suspects a thing

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;50022485]are you able to still find pleasure in things you like doing, or do you have trouble doing so? if yes, what you describe about your mood seems very similar to melancholic subtype of depression.[/QUOTE] I don't really have that many hobbies but the things I used to do was to socialize and be with friends. now I don't really want to meet people and find a lot less joy in it. music too, I could dance along with the music and be completely in love with whatever was playing but now it's just noise I'd rather turn off. games don't hook me for as long as it did, now it's just a way to waste time for 30 minutes before I turn it off and return to aimlessly browsing the web. I have to add another thing that just happened. about almost exactly an hour ago, one of the two friends I have sent me a message asking what I've been up to lately as we haven't spoken in a week which is a little odd as we tend to chat rather often. told her I had been with one other friend a little but mostly been at home. she went on about that she had thought a lot about me the past week since she hadn't heard from me at all (she's always the one who initiates conversations) so I explained to her that I feel a lot of anxiety when it comes to taking the initiative. that it's something I'm trying to figure out but it's not easy. she told me she couldn't be 'arsed' to include others who don't include themselves which I felt was rather blunt when she knows that this is a big issue for me, she has known for a long time. she said some very generic and unhelpful things, but eh, it's never easy knowing what to say. we chatted for about 25 minutes. 10 minutes after I figured I'd ask her about hanging out since we just spoke about it, and hey, what I explained to her and what I was afraid of happened. I explained to her that I was afraid of being pushy, that there was too much of me, and that I found it hard to differentiate between nagging and asking. what I didn't mention to avoid conflict is that I've tried to ask her before but I've always been met with negativity, that she's busy or her outright ignoring me. this is kinda the reason I gave up asking her since I've never gotten a yes the times I have asked. this happened now too despite her just complaining about me never asking her. I asked 30 minutes ago if she wanted to meet up tomorrow, she was active 3 minutes ago and have been active consistently ever since I asked. it's no wonder I never ask her if I can already tell what the result will be, either me being ignored or her saying no.