Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I have a question for older FP-ers who suffer from depression or anxiety: Does it get better? I mean will there be a point where your mind says "fuck it" and lets you focus on important things in life that makes you happy? I feel like I wasted the past 5 years worrying about things I can't change and missed a lot of experience that I will never have. Little rant: When I was 14 I asked out a girl and the reason she refused according to her was that I'm "fairly short and not very good-looking". Now when she said that I didn't really care for it,she was shallow and I just moved on. But that fucking moment just planted a seed in my skull that will be with me for life. The next couple years I started to be conscious about my appearance, height (5'8"~173cm) and my body in general. It was just a bother at the time, but at age 15 I thought I was an ugly duckling waiting to be matured into a swan and all my insecurities will fade away. Par for the course, right? Boy, how wrong I was. My body didn't change much and I started to feel insecure around other people and even around my friends. I can hold a conversation and make others laugh if I try, but I don't find it fun or relaxing at all. So I became reclusive and just started avoiding people. When I enrolled in Uni I was full of hope and motivation that I will help humanity and change the world and all these naive, cheesy thoughts that were short-lived and never went anywhere. By this time the shit-seed in my head grown into a juicy pod full of self hatred, social anxiety and depression ripe for the pickin'. It took one month. One month. One funny guy behind me started making jokes about me in class to his friend once. They laughed and that's it. They didn't bully me or anything serious. But that was enough for me to turn my self-doubts up a notch. I started to slowly get disillusioned with everything in my life. Eventually stopped attending classes and dropped out from uni. The shitty thing is that I'm fairly smart but I just squandered it like the idiot I am because somebody said mean things about my appearance, boo-fucking-hoo. Whatever, i can't change it now but it fucking hurts man. Now at age 21 I'm sitting here, writing this post hoping if I get this off my chest it will make me feel better about myself somehow. The reason I write this is that I started having panic attacks whenever I look at a mirror or trying to fall asleep thinking about my week. I don't know if it's normal but it's definitely not healthy. Does it resonate with anybody? Should I seek and pay for therapy? Sorry for the wall of text. I just wanted to vent.

You fluctuate. You find things that make you happy and you have times when it seems like nothing's wrong at all. It may be something you deal with forever, sure, but there are definitely ways to mitigate it. Therapy, medicine, and simple growth can all be factors which contribute to it getting easier to deal with. For some, it doesn't, but it's not an end all death sentence to suffer forever. You have to find ways to cope and find things that help little by little. It's a struggle, but as long as you know when to look for help, you'll be okay. Definitely go check out some options for therapy. It can help a lot to just have someone impartial to talk to, really. That's honestly all my therapist provides for me in addition to tips and tricks to dealing with my anxiety in practical ways. And it does a lot of good.

[QUOTE=Y'all.;50054412]Ive been drinking alcohol pretty much every day for a while now. alcohol at least makes me feel somewhat normal without it I feel pretty depressed cant really speak to people and usually have lot of negative thoughts, anxiety, etc. I dont want to be like this + dont want to rely on alcohol. but, really dont know what else to do, Im gonna speak about it to my psychiatrist i think but dont want to talk about it to my parents. I really feel like Im letting everyone down.Thinking about suicide makes me feel so guilty to everybody whos tried to help me. And I know the grief it would cause people because ive experienced it myself it would be so unfair to my parents and so selfish if they lost another son. BUT if im alive all im doig is letting them down because i have no motivation to do anything productive and dont enjoy anything. SO im just a burden on my family either way.[/QUOTE] That hits home really fucking hard. Do you work out or do any physical activity? It didn't cure suicidal thoughts for me but it helped me with my alcohol problem. And for the second part: I know I'm just some random dude on the internet but believe me when I say that you will never be a burden on your family especially on your parents. You were a burden on them when you were a pooping little baby, if they survived those years I really doubt that you will ever be a burden on them. :smile: [editline]2nd April 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Pascall;50054946]You fluctuate. You find things that make you happy and you have times when it seems like nothing's wrong at all. It may be something you deal with forever, sure, but there are definitely ways to mitigate it. Therapy, medicine, and simple growth can all be factors which contribute to it getting easier to deal with. For some, it doesn't, but it's not an end all death sentence to suffer forever. You have to find ways to cope and find things that help little by little. It's a struggle, but as long as you know when to look for help, you'll be okay. Definitely go check out some options for therapy. It can help a lot to just have someone impartial to talk to, really. That's honestly all my therapist provides for me in addition to tips and tricks to dealing with my anxiety in practical ways. And it does a lot of good.[/QUOTE] Thank you, I guess I'll check out a therapist. I was always scared to go because I'm afraid that it will somehow taint my medical record and I will be unemployable or something silly.

Nah therapy doesn't leave anything on your record. At least it hasn't for me.

Even if it did, what's the problem?

He's worried about being unemployable because of it. Which isn't something that can happen, so it's fine.

Being unemployable because of shit going on in your head is pretty unlikely unless it will bring harm to others. I've got ADHD and I hallucinate, have delusional thoughts, which I don't help myself with those by abusing drugs. I'm still employed though the only thing on paper is the ADHD. As I like to keep the other stuff off as I wouldn't be allowed to drive and such. Kinda shitty having a mix of ADHD and psychosis. At least I'm no longer numb which sucks right now as holy shit is a wave of sadness and wanting to cry all day. Thankfully I just get on the guitar and play for hours which is pretty therapeutic. If it wasn't for my boss though I'd still be a numb mess without realizing it. Which what lead me to see that was getting her a assortment of chocolate bars for her birthday. Weird how the simple and small things can have the biggest impact.

I guess this is an eastern European thing then. A lot of people here assume that people with mental illness are potential murderers or politicians, and a general menace to society. For example, my buddy from high school is autistic but on the lower end of the spectrum. Yet there was a number of teachers who treated him like brain dead the moment they found out about it and talked shit behind his back in the teachers room. And if you say you are depressed then you are just some "pussy ass bitch who needs to man up". It's a stupid stigma here, that's one of the reason why alcoholism is so widespread in the region. People rather drink away their problems than admit that they suffer from any mental illness.

[QUOTE=patrioticturtle;50055031]That hits home really fucking hard. Do you work out or do any physical activity? It didn't cure suicidal thoughts for me but it helped me with my alcohol problem. And for the second part: I know I'm just some random dude on the internet but believe me when I say that you will never be a burden on your family especially on your parents. You were a burden on them when you were a pooping little baby, if they survived those years I really doubt that you will ever be a burden on them. :smile: [/QUOTE] what kind of exercise do you do and how does it help with alcohol habits?

[QUOTE=Y'all.;50058230]what kind of exercise do you do and how does it help with alcohol habits?[/QUOTE] I run every day for at least 40 minutes and do some basic exercises sometimes with and without dumbbells. Used to drink almost daily just to get enough confidence so I could be distracted from my own negative thoughts and it helped me be more open and talkative without inhibition. But doing exercises can give you an energy high and confidence boost that you believe your life worth living and things just start to look inconsequential. It doesn't last for more than a day, but it's enough time for me to say no to a pint of beer or a shot of brandy and rather drink some water. Plus you will get in shape. It's a win-win I think.

I always thought i got depersonalisation now and then but some people describe it as hell and that doesn't really suit whatever I'm experiencing so i wonder if im wrong

[QUOTE=patrioticturtle;50059175]I run every day for at least 40 minutes and do some basic exercises sometimes with and without dumbbells. Used to drink almost daily just to get enough confidence so I could be distracted from my own negative thoughts and it helped me be more open and talkative without inhibition. But doing exercises can give you an energy high and confidence boost that you believe your life worth living and things just start to look inconsequential. It doesn't last for more than a day, but it's enough time for me to say no to a pint of beer or a shot of brandy and rather drink some water. Plus you will get in shape. It's a win-win I think.[/QUOTE] appreciate the advice. nice to hear from somebody whos had similar experiences.

[QUOTE=patrioticturtle;50058021]I guess this is an eastern European thing then. A lot of people here assume that people with mental illness are potential murderers or politicians, and a general menace to society. For example, my buddy from high school is autistic but on the lower end of the spectrum. Yet there was a number of teachers who treated him like brain dead the moment they found out about it and talked shit behind his back in the teachers room. And if you say you are depressed then you are just some "pussy ass bitch who needs to man up". It's a stupid stigma here, that's one of the reason why alcoholism is so widespread in the region. People rather drink away their problems than admit that they suffer from any mental illness.[/QUOTE] No no it happens in America too, I was always treated like I was a *damn autocorrect* retarded psychopathic murderer by teachers. I've been suspended from school at age 7 when I was diagnosed with anxiety because this asshole teacher I had publicly humiliated me constantly and whenever I would cry she would tell the class: "well Haley is having one of her episodes again, please ignore her." And I would be sent out into the hallway alone and not get taught anything. Well I got suspended because a student made up a rumor that I was making a "hit list"... I was fucking seven.had no idea what that meant. My dads side of the family started really abusing (damn autocorrect) me when they found out I was diagnosed with a mental illness because they're hardcore Christians and think people who suffer from mental illness should be put down and killed "for their own good" and they would harass me and then say "no she's delusional and imagining it!!!" Everyone would use that as an excuse and it still fills me with rage that there are millions of children out there who have gone through the same thing and have probably killed themselves long ago or by now.

I suddenly have a strong, uncomfortable urge to get outside and do something. its been a looong time since I last felt this and I don't like it that much. makes it hard to just be content with sitting on my ass at home. maybe I'll take one of those 6-8 hour walks tonight just to do something.

[QUOTE=PredGD;50061382]I suddenly have a strong, uncomfortable urge to get outside and do something. its been a looong time since I last felt this and I don't like it that much. makes it hard to just be content with sitting on my ass at home. maybe I'll take one of those 6-8 hour walks tonight just to do something.[/QUOTE] Go out and run. You'll be so proud of yourself for just doing it, no matter which lenght.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50061702]Go out and run. You'll be so proud of yourself for just doing it, no matter which lenght.[/QUOTE] think I'll do that actually. I did this in January too, I walked 17km one night just for the hell of it. was pretty therapeutic actually, it got dark thoughts away pretty fast.

I am so absolutely angry I can't bring myself to do it. Never thought of myself as a coward, I wonder how much more pathetic I can get.

it's super weird to read back at my old posts in this thread. as of now, I don't really have that many dark thoughts? I've just been very exhausted and apathetic the past weeks but not really sad or distressed. back then I seemed to be in a very, very dark place. I suppose this is kinda how depression works, I don't know. I'm a huge mess compared to what I was back between October to December for example but I'm not really that sad over that fact. then December and January hit which was filled to the brim with both panic and sadness, and now I've kinda moved to a "who cares" kinda depression. the girl I was dating said that she experienced something similar, that when she fell back into her depression for a few weeks it was a lot worse compared to when she was much worse off. I imagine it's something you gradually get used to. first you get sad, you get distressed and this is how you kinda function for the next weeks / months. then you just kinda get used to it and stop caring, drained of energy.

[QUOTE=Ridley;50061785]I am so absolutely angry I can't bring myself to do it. Never thought of myself as a coward, I wonder how much more pathetic I can get.[/QUOTE] I understand you're feeling frustrated about something, but try to remind yourself that self views such as being a coward or pathetic, is just clinging to intrinsically empty constructs that are based on false views about unrealistic expectations. If you have a problem you search for a solution, if it doesn't have a solution it's not a problem and you have to make peace with it. Be friends with your mind, see anger as anger and any thoughts beyond that feeling as just thoughts, reflections based on perceived social standards. These social standards come from reflections about surrounding individuals and your perception of these reflections lead to reflections about who you think you should be, and this is like walking into a hall of mirrors, creating a distorted view of yourself. You are a constantly changing learning human being, sometimes we try to stick with behavioral patterns that eventually are incompatible with the nature of the ever-changing self and so if we then keep with the pattern, and stick to it, we accumulate sufferings. The more an alcoholic drink, the higher tolerance he will have which is why he decides to drink more with time, otherwise he would not drown the pain that causes him to drink in the first place. You are in pain, don't let the destructive pattern get a hold of you.

Just wanted to let some thoughts out somewhere, it might just be a rambled run on paragraph but I'd like to share it at least as it provides some source of release for me. I was really fucking depressed for most of my second half of life (I'm 19) having lived with an alcoholic father (which I still do), its a toxic environment and I don't doubt it leaves and has left a permanent impression on my thought process and person. I finally got some help after opening up to my mother which was really fucking hard, but it was worth it. (seriously if anyone out there is debating seeking help, it's such a load off your back) So I got some therapy sessions for a while and things were definitely going better in my life around that time period as I was going into the end of my Junior year of HS. Since then things have stabilized a bit but I realize I'm not really the person I want to be and I still struggle with problems, I have trouble placing worth in my self and I constantly feel inferior to people, just not good enough I guess. I feel like my own worst enemy is myself, I have good days then I feel like shit, inside in my head I go "I'm smart, stronger and better looking than most, I'm blessed with having a place to live and grow so why the fuck is my own mentality dragging me down?" Going to college at the moment but I feel like everything I'm doing at the moment is just pointless, what I really want in life is a sense of self worth, confidence and purpose. I have trouble motivating myself to do anything since my mother and I plan to move to Germany just to get away from my Father. Whats the point in trying here? Any schooling I've gotten here would be worthless due to higher requirements, so I'd have to start a clean slate in a different continent and a mother tongue I'm re-learning, what the fuck am I gonna do? It's frustrating and I feel alienated in the US as it is, I've always felt like my father robbed me of a childhood and I really harbor a lot of anger and resentment to him, he constantly claims to wan't to change but over the years it's just hearing the same old song to me. I feel like I've come a long way, I haven't been as low as before I sought therapy but I still feel depressed and sad a majority of time. I don't view depression as something bad anymore, I don't try to bottle it up, I view it as something natural, no worse than I'd see a storm or a tornado, I've decided perhaps mediation and mindfulness will help me too, the mind is the only thing you can really reset at any moment to a blank state and start from the ground up, from negative to positive in a moment, like how people say 'snap out of it'. Right now I just enjoy being alone, I've not talked to my friends in 2 or 3 weeks, I know its mean to just not talk but I hope they'll understand, right now I just want to be alone and reflect on myself and life. That's my vent.

went through with my walk, took exactly 6 hours. on the train home, my legs are dying

I can't take this anymore, I really want to go by pills, but I'm afraid it might not work and I'll just get into more pressure. I've just lost all reason and will to live, I've lost everyone that meant special to me. I feel useless and pathetic and I want to cry but I can't. It feels like in this age I should be getting a talent or skill but I'm just flat out useless. There's people who isn't smart nor beautiful but they have something that makes them worth it, some people have both, I have neither. People tell me it's going to get better but it's only getting worse day by day. I just want to cry, but I can't for some reason, then sleep and never wake up again.

i'm starting to understand why some people hurt themselves now. somedays, you're so numb, you question if you can even feel pain anymore. it's still a really bad and dumb thing to do, but I do get it...

I honestly think I should just kill myself and be done with it. This has been going on for so long and I just want to stop kidding myself that life will get better and I'll find something to live for. I can't function around people and I doubt I'll be able to hold any job long enough for it to make any kind of a difference. I just want this shit to end, and I'm going to die sooner or later whether by my own hand or not, so why not get it over with? What's 5 seconds of pain from a mortal injury in exchange for an eternity of peace?

[QUOTE=fear me;50068735]I honestly think I should just kill myself and be done with it. This has been going on for so long and i just want to stop kidding myself that life will get btter and I'll find something to live for. I can't function around people and I doubt i'll be able to hold any job long enough for it to make any kind of a difference. I just want this shit to end, and I'm going to die sooner or later whether by my own hand or not, so why not get it over with? What's 5 seconds of pain from a mortal injury in exchange for an eternity of peace ?[/QUOTE] yeah I think the same thing sometimes, like I am suicidal but Im too scared to go through with anything, ive struggled with that since I was about 17 and realized how depressed I really was, but think about it this way, there's a possibility that there could be absolutely nothing after you die. isn't that scary? I find it motivating, it almost "scares me straight" because once it's lights out it very well could be lights out. so why not push yourself to make the best experience you can while living? human consciousness and awareness was an evolutionary blessing and a curse.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50069474]there's a possibility that there could be absolutely nothing after you die. isn't that scary?[/QUOTE] Have you ever been unconscious? You generally have no idea it happened or that time passed when you wake up, like it just blinked by in less than a second. That's what I think death is, but forever. You can't tell time is passing. I don't think that's particularly scary. We were all not alive before we were born.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50069474]there's a possibility that there could be absolutely nothing after you die. isn't that scary?[/QUOTE] No. In fact, I actually hope that is the case.

[QUOTE=Jim Morrison;50069679]No. In fact, I actually hope that is the case.[/QUOTE] see it scares me. idk why. even thinking about before I was born scares me.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;50068433]i'm starting to understand why some people hurt themselves now. somedays, you're so numb, you question if you can even feel pain anymore. it's still a really bad and dumb thing to do, but I do get it...[/QUOTE] Yeah, it's a way of numbing the mental/psychological pain, but you still have the need to 'feel' something, anything. [editline]5th April 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=IJNOMED;50069710]see it scares me. idk why. even thinking about before I was born scares me.[/QUOTE] Same here. Sure, the only things we all have in common, is that death unites all of us. However I still have a fear of it, somehow :/

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;50065160]I can't take this anymore, I really want to go by pills, but I'm afraid it might not work and I'll just get into more pressure. I've just lost all reason and will to live, I've lost everyone that meant special to me. I feel useless and pathetic and I want to cry but I can't. It feels like in this age I should be getting a talent or skill but I'm just flat out useless. There's people who isn't smart nor beautiful but they have something that makes them worth it, some people have both, I have neither. People tell me it's going to get better but it's only getting worse day by day. I just want to cry, but I can't for some reason, then sleep and never wake up again.[/QUOTE] Please don't kill yourself I know it may seem bleak at the moment but know that you're not alone in struggling and I don't want to see someone else die having thought of it before myself, going by pills is an excruciating way to end it, so please again I beg you not to kill yourself. One of my close friends tried to do this and he ended up in the hospital after they found him, he told me that he regretted even thinking of trying to end his life. If you need talk you can PM me, I'm sure other people in this thread can help you too.