Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Firecat;50132099][B]TL;DR[/B] don't know what the fuck to do about my conflicting eating habits, anxiety, and self image issues because they feel inescapable[/QUOTE] You may want to look into in patient treatment as at 300 calories a day you are killing yourself slowly.

been feeling depressed for 6 months now, don't know if i have depression because i can still laugh and be happy but when I'm not chatting to my best friend, I feel like killing myself...

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;50130402]Another failed fucking test as usual, I don't think anyone can be dumber than me..[/QUOTE] It was only a test. There way dumber things you can do. WAAAAAAAAYYY dumber. Like pick up a live land mine when hi. Stuff like that.

I got stood up by a friend of mine. This always happens whenever I hang out with them, or at least make plans to, we find a date that's free, I text her if it's a good time for me to come over or pick them up and they text me back saying something came up and to do it another time. Sometimes it's homework, other times it's like the 3th time there's a bug infestation. Sometimes they don't even get back with me. It's driving me up the wall. I just want to forget them, remove them, block them, etc. but when we do end up hanging out like 1 out of the 20 times, it's a groovy great time. So I'm just conflicted. Goddamnit. And I can't express my anger right without looking like a whiney emo kid.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;50130402]Another failed fucking test as usual, I don't think anyone can be dumber than me..[/QUOTE] At the least you're aware you're doing wrong. I mean, if you can notice you're actually doing bad at school and you at the very least, try to save yourself, even if you still fail, you're not dumb, you might have problems with school and studying, but certainly not dumb. A truly dumb person would be someone who does bad and does nothing to fix it and probably isn't aware of it. You know what would truly be dumb? Being someone like me. I've always been a very good student but a shitty person in life. I've made several people get tired of me, I've made my friends go away, I've caused damage to myself and done several things that are just stupid. I picked being alone over being with other people, I decided to live angry towards other people and myself instead of trying to change. I might have graduated from High School with 94% and been accepted in an advanced program in college, it will never change the fact that I made stupid decisions and I'm an insufferable idiot. Call yourself dumb the day your therapist tells you that you're a violent, aggressive person and the only reason you aren't a lost cause is because your school papers say you're above average. Call yourself dumb the day you end up here like me, saying stuff like this hoping that other people will listen because you have pissed off so many people, everyone around you doesn't bother speaking to you anymore. [editline]15th April 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=gnampf;50134867]Stuff[/QUOTE] You can try to speak to them and just tell them, in a friendly way, that it bothers you to be making plans constantly and then being cancelled 19/20 times. Hopefully they will try to be a lot more consistent with their plans and the stuff they have to do. You understand that emergencies happen, but it's just ridiculous to have 19 consecutive emergencies. [editline]15th April 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Kevin;50132869]been feeling depressed for 6 months now, don't know if i have depression because i can still laugh and be happy but when I'm not chatting to my best friend, I feel like killing myself...[/QUOTE] It's normal to experience up and downs during depression, I think.

How do you fight the urge to confront someone who deeply hurt you — even though it's been several months since they did so?

I remember apologizing for acting angsty with them earlier when I found out they cancelled and they were cool with it and wanted to reschedule. I wouldn't think they don't want to be friends with me since they don't go out of their way to avoid me (they like my stuff on Facebook when they could've just removed me, etc.) but whenever I get stood up like that, it makes me feel inadequate. Inadequate is the word. @above - just forgive and forget. My junior year of high school, this kid pulls a knife on me at a bus stop over some argument we had over a girl. Now as adults, he looked me up on the Facebook and apologized and he's got his own gig in the marines now. I mean hell, it was shitty what he did yea but to still get pissy over something that happened 4 years ago with some guy you'll most likely never see again, that's still a chip you're carrying on your shoulder that isn't doing you no good.

[QUOTE=T.F.W.O.;50135260]How do you fight the urge to confront someone who deeply hurt you — even though it's been several months since they did so?[/QUOTE] Think about the consequences and what you get out from it. It just ain't worth it getting mad and confronting someone a lot of time after it has happened, even more if you know you won't solve anything. Be aware of people who hurt you, but move on, don't let the urges fuck you over.

If it wasn't so cold that I couldn't feel my fingers anymore I probably would've left everything yesterday. Fuck. I'm tired of getting medicated, I just can't stand this bullshit dull life anymore. Fuck aspergers and I hope it gets a cure some day.

Anyone else here who can feel depression coming? Like I'm okay now, but I can feel I'll hit a lowpoint again soon. Not to sound dramatic, but it's like I crawled out of a well and now I'm just standing at the edge waiting to fall in again. Kinda sucks

I finally made that fucking audition tape. Let's hope it's good enough so I can escape this shithole and go to university

Started taking medication again on Monday, went slightly manic that evening. Other than that they've worked well.

Hi everyone. I don't post here. Message me if you have any questions regarding schizophrenia. I have SZA, and would love to be a resource. However, I probably won't reply to your message quickly. I got elected to be Secretary of NAMI at my school :) Also, I got a certificate from my town's NAMI to be a End the Silence presenter. I'll be going to youth organizations and high schools and delivering talks about my personal experience with mental illness. <3 I'm just proud of that last part, felt like sharing. My psychiatrist appointment is in 40 minutes. My psych may be able to put me on Abilify injections. Which I really want to do, but I want to postpone it in the interest of the fact I want to be able to LSD this summer and still experience the effects. Which may be irrelevant to you guys, but anti-psychotics often block out effects of LSD, trust me, I've wasted a lot of acid because of this. Shrooms however work while on anti-psychotics. Same with MDMA.

I've made up my mind, I will end my life. I am such a worthless, useless, terrible person and I don't deserve and don't want to live in this world anymore. The girl who had been with me for the past 3 years has gone. She was probably the reason I kept on living, she was there for me and we understood each other. She hates me now for me being me, I don't blame her, I can understand why myself. I saw her profile recently and saw that she is doing well without me, good for her I guess... I don't even want to bother with people anymore, I've never been thought as much by others no matter how much I tried, I've found out that I never really meant much to the people that I thought I was and I'm expendable/replaced often, there are some people who I knew and tried to be with for 3 years, and someone who came into their life shorter than I did will mean more to them than I ever did, and more than I ever will. After I saw her profile and saw how good she's doing after we stopped talking, I managed to cry after a couple years, even if it was just around a couple of teardrops. I wanted to cry so much every time as it was the only way of letting it out that time, but I can't. Life is mean... I feel worthless and useless. I don't have any good qualities. I fail school and tests often, I recently failed some math test even after I put hours trying to study it. Next week there would be a remedial for tests that I failed..twice, and I doubt that I would pass it then too. Even if I had a skill, at the slightest, I will still fail compared to everybody else, and it can never get me anywhere. I'm not even good in fun stuff like games. Games are very popular at school and people laugh at me for being bad at it. I can't take anybody's word anymore. People lied to me and hurt me so much. People said that it was going to get better yet it's only getting worse day by day, despite trying to hold on to my best. I've never felt so depressed, sad, suicidal as I am now and I've decided to end this, I will find some suicidal how-tos and hopefully, my sad existence will be gone.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;50137465]Things[/QUOTE] I've been through some of that stuff at some point, however, I've never had a partner so I really don't know what to tell you about it. I've been lied to several times, I've been used, exploited and forced to do shit I didn't like because being the youngest in my family means having to take shit from everyone and be unable to fight it back. When things start getting tough for me I try to focus on not letting the problem turn into the reality I live in, because when that happens it's the second I feel like just going on a killing spree. It's you against the world, you're all you got, so take care of yourself. If people are lying to you, don't lie to yourself. When you feel like you can't believe on people anymore, try to believe in yourself and that means not telling yourself you're worthless, useless and terrible. You are at the least useful for something, there has to be some thing you're good with, as simple as it can be, if you can do it right, you're useful for it and there's at the least someone in this planet who might find you useful. You're a human being and for that you're worth of living, every life counts and yours is no exception and you're not as terrible as you think. You don't seem to be acting as an asshole, people who aren't assholes are hard to find and those people are certainly not terrible, now you got one person in the world who believes in that you are useful, worth and not terrible, if I can believe in you, you can believe in yourself, well, that's what I believe (heh). Like I said, I've never had a partner but I understand that breaking up with someone is just awful. She might hate you or not, you're on your own now and from what I've read you don't hate her (which is good) but don't let the hatred rot you in the inside. When you aren't getting love from other people, you need to love and respect yourself and that means the same stuff I told you above, then you should seek for people who do love you or respect you, like your family, friends, people who have been there with you from the start and are willing to listen. If you feel like you've got nobody to talk, you can talk to me if you want. Just remember that if you leave now, you'll never be able to know if things could be turned around, right now you might feel you're at the bottom, but things can change (as bullshit as it can sound right now).

No, I've fucking had it. I can't stand this anymore..

So my father has a blood clot in his heart and he's dying in the icu. I had to wake up at 4am just to catch a ferry, I'm on it right now. Even though my dad wasn't all there for me and practically verbally abused me much of my life, I still feel awful I cut him out of my life for the most part... And my dads side of the family is going to give me hell for it and harass me like they always have. Not to mention I see that I am struggling with anorexia when I thought I was just really motivated to lose weight. There's a difference, I would get awfully mad and discouraged with myself if I ate anything. I compulsively count calories and carbs and am always checking myself out in the mirror and fixing things. I get mad at myself for water weight fluctuations. You dont have to be pencil thin to suffer from anorexia, it's a legit problem and it's psychological.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;50143702]No, I've fucking had it. I can't stand this anymore..[/QUOTE]It seems as though your distracted because of your break up, hence why you fail your tests. I think you're probably surrounded by a group of who don't really know how to be mature themselves, which is why they're making fun of your gaming skill. But it's important to realise that this is a passing phase and the fact you're at a low point now means that what comes next will be better. The feelings of depression you have right now are just a mental illusion. I know you don't really believe it when people tell you're not worthless, but that's just because it's easier to believe negative feedback, but you're worth a lot more many other people . Take a deep breath and think of some times when you felt joy . The best thing for you to do is discuss these matters with your family and seek advice. But truth be told; it will get better for you and if you still feel bad you can always come here and share what's on your mind, some members may be able to help you with your maths.

So my dad beat me up a week or two ago and my OCD and depression has go to a point where I can't stand living anymore. I wish I was strong enough to end my life.

Over the last 12 weeks I have been having an extended psychotic episode with voices/audiatory hallucinations coming from outside my head. It originally started as a delusional episode with me believing that I was being recorded by a third-party. This hasn't gotten to much in the way of my studies at my University, with me currently being in my final semester at my current University, with exams coming this May. I am planning on going to the Mental Health Services in the university city tomorrow regarding whether I can start going to anti-psychtoics in order to keep my psychosis in check. I was originally offered medications 4 weeks ago before I had to go on spring break, but as I wouldn't be in the area my GP opted out of it. Hopefully the psychosis goes away soon.

things seem to be getting progressively more shitty. I've felt this downwards slope for a long time and it seems like it's nearing that edge where things get very, very bad. going from feeling apathetic and lacking energy to feeling hopeless about life and wondering why I should bother fixing it. the thing I really notice when this happens is that my insomnia becomes 10x worse. I just can't find any motivation to go to bed. I can't find any motivation to wake up. can't find any motivation to bother with hygiene. I'm just a lifeless zombie in front of a screen that can't find any reason in doing anything. just thinking of it and reading through what I'm writing makes me realize I might be much worse off than I initially thought.

Today was one of my hardest days yet. I am just a cashier, and I was working before my lunch break. Usually in this first half of my shift, I don't feel so hot and a little tired/irritable. It's the small things that make me kinda grumpy, like the scanner not working, etc. It just so happens it was not reading a current customer's item (I really don't remember much of it, my mind's blocking it out), so I started being more forceful, (pressing the buttons harder, taking my a little bit of my frustration out on the till itself) because I always seem to fight with it to get anything on the job done. During these first half of my shifts, I feel irritable about any current stressful situation, today being how I can't handle a job as simple as being a cashier. I don't know whether it's me being a pampered needy kid, or just something else, I can't handle pressure, everything that happens to be a responsibility I get stressed, anxious, and frustrated with (I still genuinely think I'll never be satisfied with any job). This all comes from a [I]negative voice[/I] from the back of my head, something my TWO therapists went over with me, how I seem to put too much pressure on myself, etc. It seems so so loud all the time, it criticizes me, tells me I'm selfish, and brings back memorizes of embarrassment and failure... all this while I'm trying to do my job. It's times like these, even though I am done my semester of college that I felt so stressed out, that I want to crawl under something and die, truthfully. You think with being done college I can finally be happy for four months, but no, I will always find a way to complain, and be unsatisfied with my situation, no matter how fucking dandy it is. Anyway, in the current midst of my frustration, a lady was coming up next in line, seeing my moody actions done towards the till-- she was thinking the actions are directed underhandedly to her arriving at my till. So when she came up next in line, she floored me. She unloaded and swore at me about my shitty and bratty attitude. I felt that I was two inches tall. I really didn't want to hear her yell at me, so [I]I told in the most normal way I could[/I] that if she had a problem she could speak to manager, but I should have known it would only make things worse. I don't exactly know if I have ever been treated this way. Long ago, maybe when I was in hockey, my Dad would ask why I played so bad some days, I couldn't speak. I had no answer, making him more angry with me. But it wasn't like this, an all-out insult to my character. I already hate being in front of strangers, having to make small talk, but this was defeating. I all I could think about was a recent political bill (?) passed in Canada. Assisted suicide was made legal only for the physically debilitated/physically suffering. The mentally ill and depressed are deemed "unfit" to make the decision for themselves. All of this combined, my negative voice in my mind reminding me of why I'm so awful, the belief that I'm not sound of mind to decide for myself whether or not to keep existing, seemed to make up the words the lady was saying to me. She was the negative voice ITSELF at that point. I completely broke down, I don't even remember what I said, and pretty much confessed my desire to die to a complete stranger-- who had no business of knowing that. I feel this was a desperate cry for attention and to put her through a guilt trip on my part, it wasn't fair for me to imply anything like that, just because one person was criticizing me. This could happen at any higher level job. I seem to break down on the job every second week. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do any job. I cannot handle any position of independent responsibility. At all. It's not fair for me to act like that for any employer or customer. The fact that this happens WAY too often only assures me, that I came to the conclusion that I want to die, with all the rational thought I can supposedly muster, being a [I]mentally handicapped second-class citizen[/I] after all. MAYBE I am, seeing how I cannot fulfill something as simple as bagging some fucking groceries and being done for the day. I can barely even do that without having a fucking episode. I am done with myself, with my attitude, and am truly ashamed about how that lady was right. She was right about how shitty, and needy, and spoiled I really am. A full dose of reality. To exist for any given time longer will only burden others of their own occupation, and myself, surely feeling this way for the rest of my life is suffering in it's own sense, and those close to me, no matter what they say. I feel like going on a hunger strike to get through to everyone, to just fucking let me go, and let me die. That is the last thing this crybaby wants.

[QUOTE=T.F.W.O.;50135260]How do you fight the urge to confront someone who deeply hurt you — even though it's been several months since they did so?[/QUOTE] If for closure, i feel you and i would do it just for that. Otherwise just forget about it and help yourself instead. It's not worth being stuck. [QUOTE=GoldAssassin;50137465]I've made up my mind, I will end my life. I am such a worthless, useless, terrible person and I don't deserve and don't want to live in this world anymore. The girl who had been with me for the past 3 years has gone. She was probably the reason I kept on living, she was there for me and we understood each other. She hates me now for me being me, I don't blame her, I can understand why myself. I saw her profile recently and saw that she is doing well without me, good for her I guess... I don't even want to bother with people anymore, I've never been thought as much by others no matter how much I tried, I've found out that I never really meant much to the people that I thought I was and I'm expendable/replaced often, there are some people who I knew and tried to be with for 3 years, and someone who came into their life shorter than I did will mean more to them than I ever did, and more than I ever will. After I saw her profile and saw how good she's doing after we stopped talking, I managed to cry after a couple years, even if it was just around a couple of teardrops. I wanted to cry so much every time as it was the only way of letting it out that time, but I can't. Life is mean... I feel worthless and useless. I don't have any good qualities. I fail school and tests often, I recently failed some math test even after I put hours trying to study it. Next week there would be a remedial for tests that I failed..twice, and I doubt that I would pass it then too. Even if I had a skill, at the slightest, I will still fail compared to everybody else, and it can never get me anywhere. I'm not even good in fun stuff like games. Games are very popular at school and people laugh at me for being bad at it. I can't take anybody's word anymore. People lied to me and hurt me so much. People said that it was going to get better yet it's only getting worse day by day, despite trying to hold on to my best. I've never felt so depressed, sad, suicidal as I am now and I've decided to end this, I will find some suicidal how-tos and hopefully, my sad existence will be gone.[/QUOTE] Live for yourself. Find out and do what makes you happy. Don't let other people be a factor of what defines you. Don't let those negative vibes mess with your education and your head. Life is mean but it's also meant to be challenging too. It will always be worth the reward because once you look back you will realize how much you have changed and all the things.

[QUOTE=Leader of Me;50150344]So my dad beat me up a week or two ago and my OCD and depression has go to a point where I can't stand living anymore. I wish I was strong enough to end my life.[/QUOTE] get child protective services (or disagree me into oblivion if i don't know anything)

I must say that it has been interesting to see how much of one's mental well-being is chemical, when it comes to depression. Got to enjoy almost a week of feeling normal, but after waking up with hives all over my body and a slightly swollen upper lip and eyelid, it was time to kick buproprion too. So depression is coming back as expected. Don't know if it's worse than before the medication or if this anguish feel worse only because falling down from feeling normal.

I can't figure out myself and cannot formulate my frustration into words, all while having a sleepless night with a toothache and several months of a very bad experience of university, with parents expecting me to be the second coming of hotshit engineering jesus, all while I don't even know what I want to do in my life. I want to just give up and hang myself. I cannot forgive myself for letting myself get influenced by parents and teachers to apply to this university too soon. My life always revolved around pleasing other people's needs, saying what they always wanted to hear, and never being honest to myself, almost never caring about what I wanted. I might even be so distant from my true self that I don't know what's my passion, what career I need to follow or whatever. Never listened to my emotions other than having really hard crush on a total of 3 girls in my life, not even having a date yet being lied to me and lulled into fantasy all the time. I don't know man, I need a break from this shit and rebuild myself somewhere else away from parents before I break mentally.

[QUOTE=Giraffen93;50153632]get child protective services (or disagree me into oblivion if i don't know anything)[/QUOTE] I'm over the age of 18 so I don't think they could do anything.

[QUOTE=Leader of Me;50155590]I'm over the age of 18 so I don't think they could do anything.[/QUOTE] Consider the police then? Or is that a bit much?

I honestly feel shitty. A lot. I pretend to be happy and all, but I can't seem to be happy at all. Yes, I can feel it but only in some circustances, but I can't get happy anymore nor move on with some things that happened in the past. Also, I feel pretty stupid: whenever I help my friends on things, I am always afraid to fail at doing so and... most likely I will fail, even if is an easy thing. I need a break but I still have school stuff and shit to do.

Feeling just absolutely bloody terrible right about now, it feels like I have this symbiotic relationship with computers that prevents me from ever being away from one for a long time. I think the longest stretch i've been without is probably a week 2 years ago when I was on vacation, haven't had one of those for a while either. I have to work on a computer for 8 hours every weekday (boo hoo, I know it's not as long as it is for some people) but then what do I do as I get home? Yep go back onto the computer again except instead of working it's now entertainment and basically whatever's left of my social life. I've got a handful of friends and my family that make life worth living, what I can't stand though is my car that I lament because of it's contribution to environmental failures and making me generally even more lazy because it's basically a VERY useful tool to have indeed, I don't get why they can't just get rid of my fucking office I hate using that thing to get stuck in traffic jams everyday - it's otherwise useful (except when it costs an arm and a leg to repair, insure etc) just let us work from home or something, i'll go into the office when I want free coffee and to print shit off or for meetings/training thanks. Another thing that's gotten me quite miserable lately is just the general lack of free time there is, you might think 25 days holiday is a sweet deal but it pales in comparison to what I actually get to do in this free time anyway, I don't usually have the money to just casually go abroad or do anything fancy and because of that the 25 days feels like peanuts, usually working 220+ days a year with the rest of those being weekends and all. I do like the time I do get to have off, but with no friends to spend it with and the fact that 25 days isn't really enough to have much more than 5 weeks off in a year... well I lose motivation to actually start new habits or have a decent time doing hobbies when my house is occupied by people who constantly tell me to prepare for the next weeks work and each evening is wasted by me being stressed out from a lack of time to do things during the day, I swear everywhere is shut down by the time I get home so that the only thing left to do is go out and party which I find not only boring but also expensive and something that'll only make me fall back into alcohol addiction again. I so so wish that either I get fired from my job tomorrow, I get into an accident that breaks the car so it can be written off and for my family to just be understanding of the situation and not just nag me to death to get a job I won't like again.