Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I was planning on going to knock on the doors of some smaller game-devs, to ask if they'd have any gigs for an animator and then also go personally by and drop off my application to an Israeli catering place. But of course my depression has to start creeping up last night. Thank's brain! [sp]You're a fucking twat, brain. Thank's[/sp]

[QUOTE=PredGD;50215841]not really sure whats up, but feeling surprisingly depressed. I feel lonely I think? sure, I do have one friend around but I feel like I need variety? I'm not really who I want to be either. I feel so incredibly dull and boring to be around. bad at conversations. yeah I don't know what to do really.[/QUOTE] This is my problem, really. As of late, I've been sleep deprived, and so things are a little more intense and I am far more on edge than I normally am. I had my second panic attack in two weeks last night, it was nuts. But for the past year what has sat at the back of my head is the fact that I'm very disconnected from others, and it's only getting worse. I don't get others, and others don't get me. I've really lost contact with a lot of my real life friends, and I just don't know how to talk to people any more. People honestly just bore me. People are always caught up in something that is in no way interesting, like sports, or drama with friends I don't know, or talking about work... it gets really old. I like conversations about life and how weird it is. I like hypothetical, and I like analyzing art. I like exploring other people's perceptions of things. I like challenging people and myself. I don't think a lot of people like that though. Not a lot of people want to open up in that way. I don't think I'm smarter or better than others in the slightest, it's just a mutual boredom. I spend so much of my time alone now, working on projects and only wanting to work on projects. College is stressful and boring, and my best friend who is the most unorthodox person I know doesn't live near me. I don't know how to find people like me because outside of this friend I met through the internet and finally met in real life is really the only person I've found closest to my level of nerdiness and philosophical engagement. Every day I learn about him, and that's really what I want out of most people. I want to learn about people. I like listening to people when they actually speak about their personalities and philosophies. I wonder if it's just the city I live in. Is Las Vegas cultivating this type of person I don't vibe with? I wanna hang with my friend. I wanna hang with Maddox. I want to hang out with a few of the people I see on the internet. Where do they go? But even with the nerdiest people - even with the people on this forum - I don't feel very connected. I like a few people on this forum but for the most part I still feel socially lost. I don't understand. Most of my life I've gotten my social fill with just a few people. When I've had girlfriends I've had them and maybe one or two other people that I cared about. And in social situations, I'm inoffensive, so I know a ton of people, but I'm not really engaged with many people. I'm not even engaged with my cousins anymore. I can talk to people in real life. I've learned to not be anxious and accept myself. But in accepting myself, I've learned that I don't really fit anywhere, and all I want to do is work on projects. I don't want to do anything else. [editline]28th April 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;50217403]I was planning on going to knock on the doors of some smaller game-devs, to ask if they'd have any gigs for an animator and then also go personally by and drop off my application to an Israeli catering place. But of course my depression has to start creeping up last night. Thank's brain! [sp]You're a fucking twat, brain. Thank's[/sp][/QUOTE] If you do it, you'll lift the weight off your shoulders and get it done and over with. Look at it as that. You just do it and you don't have to worry about it. That's how I look at presentations - I'm always first because I hate waiting.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;50217415] If you do it, you'll lift the weight off your shoulders and get it done and over with. Look at it as that. You just do it and you don't have to worry about it. That's how I look at presentations - I'm always first because I hate waiting.[/QUOTE] I wish it was that simple. I was supposed to go and put myself out there. But I feel physically and mentally like shit. It's like having to go out there with a case of chronic flu that's invisible. So you look to the outset like you haven't slept enough or just aren't interested. And [B]if[/B] you even get to explain yourself then there's a huge chance that the person doesn't even believe in such conditions.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;50217382]You can add me on Steam if you like. I used to be very afraid and it took me along while to be comfortable with it. Now it's the entire baseline for my life.[/QUOTE] weird, i used to have you on steam. i just sent you a request again

I delete people I haven't talked to in a month or two poetry much everywhere including Facebook. My mentality is that if people want to talk to me they can just readd me. No biggy

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;50217605]I wish it was that simple. I was supposed to go and put myself out there. But I feel physically and mentally like shit. It's like having to go out there with a case of chronic flu that's invisible. So you look to the outset like you haven't slept enough or just aren't interested. And [B]if[/B] you even get to explain yourself then there's a huge chance that the person doesn't even believe in such conditions.[/QUOTE] I know it sucks but the best way to get past it is force yourself to go out and get things done. Exercise will help and so will the act of doing something for yourself. Even if you need to drink a ton of coffee to get out there. You just got to do it as not doing it will only make it worse. In other news I told my boss about ADHD and my borderline personality disorder, which is quite odd as I've never told anyone about the BPD before outside of my family. Also the fact I never open up to anyone makes it one hell of a odd feeling.

what do you guys do when you know you don't belong anywhere you go because either way you're going to be lonely like you don't want to be home nor do you want to be at school

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;50217282]Not just over a single test, but over my overall grades. Like I said, it's easy as hell to fail a grade here and repeat the whole year. That shit would affect your report, less likely to get you a job, and all that shit. You see your old friends in a higher grade looking down at you and your new classmates thinking how much of a failure you are, and your parents get very angry and take away everything you think is fun and distracting.[/QUOTE] I know in some cultures it is a life breaker. I still get pissy when people who are way younger then me who threaten to kill themselves that is minor compared to what I got.

[QUOTE=PILLS HERE!;50221553]what do you guys do when you know you don't belong anywhere you go because either way you're going to be lonely like you don't want to be home nor do you want to be at school[/QUOTE] I spent time by myself and enjoyed the company of myself. Whether it was going for a drive/bike ride/walk, reading at the library, or going to the gym. Sometimes you dont have to be with someone to not be lonely, a place with other people can help you feel less lonely

[QUOTE=Daysofwinter;50215445]It makes me angry beyond belief when someone says they will consider suicide over a test.....[/QUOTE] Grades can be a make it or break it thing depending on where you want to go in life, and on top of that people are expected to get the highest grades possible by their parents as a matter of course, given that very few parents dont really care how well you do, but just try to encourage you to have fun and concentrate on learning by understanding, rather than memorizing. However the caveat is, high grades are pretty much a must to get into most STEM courses, and most families insist that an STEM-based degree is the only thing to consider if you want to become successful and in a better position than they are. Out here in India it's reached comically alarming positions, to the point where more people were going in for computer engineering and IT courses hugely disproportionate to available jobs, until the IT bubble went bust here some years ago, which left a lot of people with degrees and not much else in the way of prospects. It's limping back to normality now, but imagine having a degree to your name and not being able to have any prospects beyond data entry or a junior programmers' job. If people have so much pressure put on them that they must indeed get a 3.5+ GPA in high school, or its equivalent in any culture, being as vulnerable as they are at such a young age, particularly if they have other problems to deal with, it might be the final nail in the coffin that forces them to take the extreme step. Granted, some of these suicides are impulsive decisions after failing a single test, or even not doing well on it, but unless people start valuing a child's mental well-being over transient grades (how many have become successful despite not doing well at school?) this problem's only going to get worse as time goes on and education gets more fucked up. [editline]29th April 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Daysofwinter;50221554]I know in some cultures it is a life breaker. I still get pissy when people who are way younger then me who threaten to kill themselves that is minor compared to what I got.[/QUOTE] In fairness you should understand that what seems minor to one's own problems can be a really big deal to somebody else. If you look at it objectively of course it's easy to say that some people might not have it so bad, on a comparative basis, but to them it's every bit as bad as any problem somebody else might have.

[QUOTE=Valon Kyre;50215986](She is 14 and in grade 8) My little sister has been thinking of killing her self/has been cutting herself for quite some time now. We've taken her to the counsellers, got her anti depression meds, put her in a sport, and tried to move her away from the bad crowd she seems to be hanging around with. Tonight I just heard that my mom was telling the counseller about how everything seems to be going a lot better with her, and she (sister) started bawling her eyes out saying she thought about killing herself again. Everything seems to be going a lot better but in spite of that she still thinks about killing herself. We have no idea what to think, I talked with my dad and the concept of killing yourself is just so forign that we dont know where to begin. We try, but what do you do? I think its the crowd she hangs with, they're all from broken homes and disfunctional families, they romanticize suicide and I think they encourage/facilitate my sisters behavior. My sister is awesome to talk to, funny, its just the way she dresses and the crowd she hangs out with doesn't let her really show this. We're trying to steer her to good kids. I dont know...[/QUOTE] Just venting or do you want to hear our opinions or experiences?

I'm done trying to care. I'm done trying to push myself to do things to just hurt in return. If the past year and a half has taught me anything, it's that feelings hurt and I shouldn't feel them. And I've WENT to counselling. I've WENT to a doctor, I'm going to be getting help soon. But, fuck this.

[QUOTE=Cha;50223935]Just venting or do you want to hear our opinions or experiences?[/QUOTE] Some advice would be nice, I homestly think shes just trying to fit in with that stupid crowd she hangs with because shes fine elsewhere. Maybe you guys see it differently?

If they're only friends she's got the pressure to fit in the crowd might be one reason and the other one might be if they have similar issues they understand her very well. That's why to deny her to meet them might do things worse. I haven't cut myself but I've been suicidal in the past. I pretended quite long time that everything is okay before I told my partner I'm thinking of running under some bus or truck after traffic lights having turned red. I was wearing a happy mask. The reality was quite different. I was depressed. At that time I didn't know my past traumas were surfacing. When I was thinking of killing myself I didn't want to die I just wanted that I don't have to feel anxious anymore but I didn't know how to control my emotions. I guess cutting is one way to ease pain we can't bear. We can learn how to stop cutting and find some healthier ways to express our feelings. Besides of that we have to learn how to control our emotions - to feel safe and good in our body and mind. That's why the symptom goes rarely away by itself. You sister might feel bad when your mother said things are better now because she's still in pain. She's done a good job but it's not enough for her. Have she told you what kind of support she wants?

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;50223500]Grades can be a make it or break it thing depending on where you want to go in life, [/QUOTE] I realize in some countries, a test can end your life. In America this is not so. As long a person makes money, they are ok. In other places, not so. If one doesn't get into the right place. they don't get the right connections and that the end of it. The thing is that how I started out. Get moody over little things. It snowballs over time. Beating one self over a test may turn into beating one self over not getting friends. Then beating oneself not getting a girl friend. Then over that miss chanced for a big break. Eventually it does come to a head. I do not want that happening to any one. The correct response whenever life becomes disappointing is say "I will find a way"

i feel completely hopeless and i dont enjoy anything plus today i learned that my best friend (who recently essentially best friend-dumped me) doesn't feel the same way i feel about her i have AP exams next week and i dont know what im doing and i feel like im completely drowning [editline]29th April 2016[/editline] aaaand its because she likes the womanizing douchebag are you fuckin serious its like a badly written movie

[QUOTE=Valon Kyre;50216870] Do you have any things you like to do or hobbies? See if you can find a local group of people who do the same thing, theres talking for the purpos of talking which you may be bad at, and the there is talking about something you're passionate about. Chances are you'd be really good at that, and through speaking about what you love and listening to others it may help you in general socializing[/QUOTE] I have thought about this before but I don't really have any "social" hobbies that I can think of, or any at all. I just like to socialize, tinker with Linux, and play the occasional game. its not really an excuse still, I should probably go out and look for something that I might enjoy. it'd probably be great for my own mental well being to do anything, especially something I enjoy, a few times a week! [QUOTE=wauterboi;50217415]This is my problem, really. As of late, I've been sleep deprived, and so things are a little more intense and I am far more on edge than I normally am. I had my second panic attack in two weeks last night, it was nuts. But for the past year what has sat at the back of my head is the fact that I'm very disconnected from others, and it's only getting worse. I don't get others, and others don't get me. I've really lost contact with a lot of my real life friends, and I just don't know how to talk to people any more. People honestly just bore me. People are always caught up in something that is in no way interesting, like sports, or drama with friends I don't know, or talking about work... it gets really old. I like conversations about life and how weird it is. I like hypothetical, and I like analyzing art. I like exploring other people's perceptions of things. I like challenging people and myself. I don't think a lot of people like that though. Not a lot of people want to open up in that way. I don't think I'm smarter or better than others in the slightest, it's just a mutual boredom. I spend so much of my time alone now, working on projects and only wanting to work on projects. College is stressful and boring, and my best friend who is the most unorthodox person I know doesn't live near me. I don't know how to find people like me because outside of this friend I met through the internet and finally met in real life is really the only person I've found closest to my level of nerdiness and philosophical engagement. Every day I learn about him, and that's really what I want out of most people. I want to learn about people. I like listening to people when they actually speak about their personalities and philosophies. I wonder if it's just the city I live in. Is Las Vegas cultivating this type of person I don't vibe with? I wanna hang with my friend. I wanna hang with Maddox. I want to hang out with a few of the people I see on the internet. Where do they go? But even with the nerdiest people - even with the people on this forum - I don't feel very connected. I like a few people on this forum but for the most part I still feel socially lost. I don't understand. Most of my life I've gotten my social fill with just a few people. When I've had girlfriends I've had them and maybe one or two other people that I cared about. And in social situations, I'm inoffensive, so I know a ton of people, but I'm not really engaged with many people. I'm not even engaged with my cousins anymore. I can talk to people in real life. I've learned to not be anxious and accept myself. But in accepting myself, I've learned that I don't really fit anywhere, and all I want to do is work on projects. I don't want to do anything else.[/QUOTE] I can relate to a lot of the stuff you are saying. I don't really feel like I can properly connect to people either because we don't really "fit" as friends, or I just find them very uninteresting. never feel like I properly fit in with anyone. it might stem from the fact that I don't really have any common interests with people as there's not really that much that does interest me in the first place. feel like I really need to do something about my social situation. I get so incredibly stressed and anxious only having the ability to rely on a single person to satisfy my social needs. there's no guarantee that she'll be around forever, suddenly one day we might stop talking and suddenly we just drift apart. if that happens, I'll be completely alone yet again.

[QUOTE=Bathtub;50227300]i feel completely hopeless and i dont enjoy anything plus today i learned that my best friend (who recently essentially best friend-dumped me) doesn't feel the same way i feel about her i have AP exams next week and i dont know what im doing and i feel like im completely drowning [editline]29th April 2016[/editline] aaaand its because she likes the womanizing douchebag are you fuckin serious its like a badly written movie[/QUOTE] How is he a womanizing douchebag? And you have to remember that if she likes the womanizing douchebag over you, it [I]might[/I] be saying something about you, whether it's that you were too late and put yourself in the friendzone, or that the guy is just better for her than you. It could be other things, but I'd bet on those two. Every person that gets friend-zoned puts themselves there.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;50228335]How is he a womanizing douchebag? And you have to remember that if she likes the womanizing douchebag over you, it [I]might[/I] be saying something about you, whether it's that you were too late and put yourself in the friendzone, or that the guy is just better for her than you. It could be other things, but I'd bet on those two. Every person that gets friend-zoned puts themselves there.[/QUOTE] the guy literally talks about going to the beach to get blowjobs from girls and then not text them i realize that i sound like a bitter asshole neckbeard in that post and i didnt mean to i talked to her sister for awhile and it seems like she doesn't like him anymore but literally everyone i've talked to says hes a douchebag and i've seen it for myself and yes i absolutely put myself in the friendzone, im a giant pussy but i honestly thought (and still think) she needed a good friend more than any potential boyfriend

All you can do then is not focus on her then. She's gonna have to get hurt to change. From personal experience, wasting energy on trying to convince someone that you are good for them will only cause the opposite result to happen. Some people interpret this as "never look available", which is not what I'm suggesting, but instead just go with the flow of things. Focus on yourself and getting stuff done, and stay friends. Maybe things will push her in your direction, or maybe they won't.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;50228537]All you can do then is not focus on her then. She's gonna have to get hurt to change. From personal experience, wasting energy on trying to convince someone that you are good for them will only cause the opposite result to happen. Some people interpret this as "never look available", which is not what I'm suggesting, but instead just go with the flow of things. Focus on yourself and getting stuff done, and stay friends. Maybe things will push her in your direction, or maybe they won't.[/QUOTE] That's what im trying to do, with all the other stressful stuff going on right now I'm forcing the emotions out of my head so I can deal with them later. My friend heard what happened and he came over to my house out of the blue with my favorite snack food so that made me happy, it's nice to know there are people who care.

Confidence is a very important thing to work on when it comes to relationships. And confidence comes from taking yourself seriously and changing your thoughts to default to appropriate types of positivity.

@Cha She uses cutting as a form of controlling her anxiety, she doesn't know of a proper method to deal with anxiety so I think thats why she does it. She never did it before, she'd just go for a walk or vent in her room, but I'm positive its her friends who have pushed her to this. I know real depression and the "happy facade", I had a goodfriend I went to highschool with kill himself not long after. He was always singing, playing guitar, having a good time, but there was always that offput feeling he put out. She threw everyone in the family under the bus, we've done a hell of a lot of good in light of finding out about all this but all she mentioned was I called her a lesbian ONCE (changing in front of her friend, only intended as a little knock) Regardless of how recently I've taken her bike riding, to the movies, gone quadding, played games with her, brought her lunch, honestly trying my best. Then she said she wanted to spend more time with my dad, but when my dad tried to spend more time with her she gets mad or pushes him away so he stops trying (I think she just brought it up because it was an easy knock to my dad) And she doesn't tell my mom a thing and chooses to walk all over her kindness, abusing trust and never telling the truth (which is really stressing my mom out) What we're thinking is shes trying to create this facade of having a bad household when infact shes got it pretty good (psychiatrist and nurse at the childrens hospital agreed) inorder to fit in with the group of kids from broken houses. How she dresses certainly doesn't help her with making new friends, she has a punk/dike looking going on and has her hair cut into a mohawk (edgy 14 year old for you there, we didnt let her get it but she abused my moms trust and got it anyways) She hasn't been getting anywhere with the psychiatrist either because she wont open up to the source of her depression, but maybe its because there isn't any. She made up a bunch of drama so that she'd get sent to the stollery hospital because all of her friends have been there (not exactly something to brag about) and the stollery nurse picked it out right away that she was just making it up. I'm just... disappointed that she'd take advantage of her family just so she can fit in with some shitbags. Today her bus driver phoned my mom and asked if she could take her to lunch because she noticed that she's been going on this downward spiral and hoped to give some advice. I just think we're going to take her out of the damn city school and put her in the rural school like I was in, no problem children and broken homes (at least not as many), and shes away from those bad friends. It'll be tough because she'll be starting over with making new friends, but anything is better than those scum. [editline]29th April 2016[/editline] This is one hell of a rant/vant, sorry :/

Bleh, feel like I'm bringing people down again. Sort of feel like people are happier when I'm not involved. Not sure if it's because I'm obnoxious or if it's something else I'm missing. I can tell when others aren't happy with me, just don't know why cause they sidestep when I ask. Also seems I still get the best reactions from doing weird things like making animal (fictional or not) noises instead of talking or silence. I still struggle to relate to others. At least now it's frustrating rather than depressing.

[QUOTE=Valon Kyre;50229536] This is one hell of a rant/vant, sorry :/[/QUOTE] I'm very sorry to hear your rant - what all of you have been through and trying to do. :smile:

Decided I'm not going to group anymore. Not sure what to say to the counselor though. I just don't like going there

holy fucking shit i wish depression was just like a switch you could throw off whenever you fucking want because right now the weather is okay and all i can think about is the fact that im failing college at the moment and all the repercussions it will bring and my head feels so fucking full and it's going round and round in circles and it just doesn't fucking stop and whenever someone tries to give me advice all i can muster to soak up is 5% of it because more than that just doesn't fit it feels like im plummeting in freefall down alice in wonderland's rabbit hole at terminal velocity and when someone tries to hand me a parachute its just ripped from my hands due to the wind tearing it away from me no matter how hard i try to hold on to it [editline]30th April 2016[/editline] i mean [I]how the fuck[/I] is it possible to work against yourself to this degree i just dont fucking understand it??????

[QUOTE=wauterboi;50229345]Confidence is a very important thing to work on when it comes to relationships. And confidence comes from taking yourself seriously and changing your thoughts to default to appropriate types of positivity.[/QUOTE] you're absolutely right but its hard to feel confident when you feel like shit every day

When I am home I dont know what it is that I am missing but when I am here, away, working all I can think of is going back home. I want to hide away but because I am a waiter I have to be happy and nice, and I am because I can't be any other way when I am around people and I think that is a good thing but it is tiring when it goes against what I feel. All I want is to be alone, the time I spend alone is the most valuable time to me, its when I enjoy life the most and when I can deal with negative feelings best, at my own pace.

I feel so boring to be around. I see others who are having a blast and messing around, while I'm more of a talker than that. I enjoy conversing about more "serious" stuff I guess, just talking, not messing around while making a big number with a ton of jokes or lots of body language. don't really like that since it makes me feel really boring when for example drinking.