Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Because I've been out of work due to the hernia repair, I have no health insurance until I pay $269 to cover for the rest of the month, and my antidepressants will cost $106. Next time I need surgery I'll just not do it.

[QUOTE=Cha;50274455]Because you mentioned fragmented parts of personality I'm wondering if you have ever talked about possibility of dissociative identitity disorder. What kind of hallucinations do you have? Are they related to your fragmented parts? Merging them is possible with specialized trauma therapists.[/QUOTE] Yeah I have that's how I got the borderline personality disorder label. Which is the whole mess that is naming things wrong and mixing it with the simplest thing. Hallucinations are well taste as I can be smoking and then it tastes like butter or candy, Visual are mostly random which I've only have had them relate to the outside world unless meditating, Hearing is situational based for what gets heard. Can't see them being related to the fragmented parts as they are normally random or based around the current situation. Well I don't know about finding a trauma therapist even though I know that is the reason for this happening in the first place. As of last night I brought back as I've named it the reaper, which just devours any personality that appears. Which then keeps it all in one nice little package and only a single entity is allowed to exist within my mind.

I wish there was somewhere or someone to whom I could honestly speak about my employability situation with. Because it's probably overtaken gender dysphoria as the biggest drain on my mental well-being and it's not good for me what I'm doing now. [editline]7th May 2016[/editline] Sorry, should have made a better introduction. Current situation: Jobless, recently signed on to recieve benefits for seeking employment (not sure what the US equivalent is). Transgender but not yet on HRT or similar therapies, beeing seen at a sexual mental health clinic about that deal. Suicide watch: I don't feel like I'm in any danger of killing myself, but I would like to be. If I could suppress the instinct I wouldn't jump out the way of a moving car if I blundered in the way of one. Had to toss out my previous suicide plans on grounds of being ineffective. I never set a date it was just a "if I was going to, I'd do it this way" plan.

Spent a night in hospital for acting like an idiot, but i just still dont feel anything.

Looks like the one college that accepted me is going to revoke my acceptance because one of my teachers is refusing to fix my grade that he gave me even though I've done all the work. Looks like no college for me. Fuck.

The only good thing i got from my recent hospital trip is finally getting a Psychologist to see me (only took 4 years and 2 suicide attempts)

[QUOTE=Pascall;50275459]Should try and find something that combines a knowledge of gaming and computer usage to your benefit. Spend some time on Youtube looking up tutorials for different things that might pique your interest. It's not the equivalent of a degree or anything, but you can definitely learn a ton of things. Art tutorials, DIY building tutorials, car maintenance, programming, engineering, game development or production. You want to use what you're already familiar with to further your knowledge in something else that you may be interested in. A lot of times I just sort of wander around on Youtube and see what's there, as far as instructional videos go. Now I'm getting into ICD-10 medical coding because it's something you can easily learn online and it can get you a very well paying temporary job that you can possibly even do from home which would definitely fit my current lifestyle since I'm going to school. You don't have to go cold turkey to feel like you're doing something useful. You just have to use your resources productively.[/QUOTE] I do make music on the side, however it's always been a relaxing hobby for me. I have the potential to go professional, but I always have this fear of if I turn my hobby into my job, then I'll turn the thing I love into the thing I hate. As for going cold turkey, the only reason I consider it is because I have pretty severe ADD which I've struggled with all my life, which medication barely helps with. It's always been an uphill battle to control myself when it comes to setting aside time for my hobbies and being on the computer. If I cut out all distractions, then naturally my dopamine receptors will become more sensitive because I wont be playing videogames/sitting in front of the computer all day constantly stimulating them, and I'll be more inclined to pick up drawing and stick with it. But I don't know. Obviously going cold turkey is a pretty drastic route, but in the end it might be the best choice, even if it's only a temporary thing for a few months to get my life back on track. I'll keep weighing up my options anyway. Thanks for that.

The good thing about being a creator is that you always have the option to just take a break from it for a while if you're not having fun. Especially if you're freelancing.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;50278806]I'll keep weighing up my options anyway. Thanks for that.[/QUOTE] Have you tried other meds or figured out some co-oping skills. As when I'm on meds I can get everything else done without those distractions.

[QUOTE=DELL;50279125]Have you tried other meds or figured out some co-oping skills. As when I'm on meds I can get everything else done without those distractions.[/QUOTE] I took ritalin during highschool. It worked, but the side effects were pretty bad. I was tired constantly and pretty zombie-like, which I hated. Right now I'm self-treating with fish oil, green tea, bacopa extract and the occasional meditation to calm myself down. It's far from flawless but I'm better with it than without, so it works. I tried getting back on meds a few years ago so I could get serious about my drawing (trying different meds this time), but the hoops you have to jump through in Australia to get then is insane. So I gave up.

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;50272366]I can personally attest to that cutting out soda does wonders to weight loss. And once you've gone on without excess sugar; overly sugary foods and drinks start to even taste mildly disgusting :v:[/QUOTE] I've gone from 210 lbs. to 169 drinking lots of soda and sugary drinks. It's all in how dedicated you are to the soda lifestyle.

I'll probably be good at something when it's too late anyway..

[QUOTE=shrinkme;50273413]Does anyone have any tips to stop gaming so much? I spend most of my days playing league, and it seems like a waste of time. I feel like I should be doing more productive things than playing league all day, and I figure that if I stop gaming so much I'll eventually find other things to do.[/QUOTE] Research claims that people who play video games on a regular basis tend to be better at hand-eye coordination and problem-solving.

I have a depressed Skype friend who says he feels unaccomplished. I've tried to cheer him up by telling him how he has a lot of willpower to still be around despite his ailment. Also told him he already does things others cannot. [sp]Drawing pretty good IMO, and driving a bus.[/sp] He cannot get proper treatment because american healthcare is too expensive for him. I'm concerned. Anything I should remember when speaking to him?

[QUOTE=Weirdness;50279537]I took ritalin during highschool. It worked, but the side effects were pretty bad. I was tired constantly and pretty zombie-like, which I hated. Right now I'm self-treating with fish oil, green tea, bacopa extract and the occasional meditation to calm myself down. It's far from flawless but I'm better with it than without, so it works. I tried getting back on meds a few years ago so I could get serious about my drawing (trying different meds this time), but the hoops you have to jump through in Australia to get then is insane. So I gave up.[/QUOTE] Well that sucks. Long acting ritalin gave me a massive amount of side effects that just made me much worse. Now that I've been switched to vyvanse though the side effects are dry mouth, a little extra sweating, and I feel colder. Which for the amount of symptom control I get it's night and day difference from the concentra. Plus with the dry mouth and extra sweating all I have to do to get around that is drink more water. Which after the first two weeks of being on this all the other side effects have gone away, which were frequent peeing and mild anxiety.

The problem with bipolar is, i've woken up manic today, and now i'm being overly fucking ambitious with projects, goals and so much stuff. I get in bad habits when im on highs like buying stuff i dont need or just generally starting things i cant finish, it annoys me more when the manic is gone and im back on a down period and i just get angry at myself for doing these things. Makes me angry because every time i try to learn a skill or talent, like an instrument or a digital skill like coding/animation when i'm on a low i lose all progress and drop ambition even back on my high.

[QUOTE=shrinkme;50273413]Does anyone have any tips to stop gaming so much? I spend most of my days playing league, and it seems like a waste of time. I feel like I should be doing more productive things than playing league all day, and I figure that if I stop gaming so much I'll eventually find other things to do.[/QUOTE] All you got do is find a balance, for me that was setting up the weekend for large amounts of gaming. Were on the weekdays I just limit myself to two to three hours spent on video games. Which there are times on the weekend when I'm doing other stuff as well and don't end up gaming at all. A simple thing you can do is set an alarm once you start playing and once it goes off you stop/finish up the match you're playing.

there's no doubt, I really need to go back to working out. I'm a husk of my former self, there's so much anxiety and my self esteem is at an all time low. I don't feel like I'm a likeable person at all since I have nothing to share of myself anymore. I always find myself just agreeing with everyone else or talking about what someone else brings up since I can't share anything myself. I'm scared to share my opinions of things which wasn't the case just a few months ago. I was much stronger. I need to get my self esteem UUUP! I gotta build myself back up! kick bad habits, get that sleeping schedule back on track and don't spend more weeks with a constant hangover. I know exactly where to start on my journey to get myself back. the obvious answer is to go work out again, and for that I need new clothes to work out in. personal projects make you feel king! money isn't easy though. so many plans, so little money. no money, no clothes. no money, no gym membership. eh, I'll find a way. [editline]8th May 2016[/editline] what things are there to do that commonly boost self confidence and relieve depression & anxiety? I can't really workout in like a week anyway since I have no money until then, and even then I have to see. have to save some money on the side for various activities I have planned.

[QUOTE=PredGD;50282798]there's no doubt, I really need to go back to working out. I'm a husk of my former self, there's so much anxiety and my self esteem is at an all time low. I don't feel like I'm a likeable person at all since I have nothing to share of myself anymore. I always find myself just agreeing with everyone else or talking about what someone else brings up since I can't share anything myself. I'm scared to share my opinions of things which wasn't the case just a few months ago. I was much stronger. I need to get my self esteem UUUP! I gotta build myself back up! kick bad habits, get that sleeping schedule back on track and don't spend more weeks with a constant hangover. I know exactly where to start on my journey to get myself back. the obvious answer is to go work out again, and for that I need new clothes to work out in. personal projects make you feel king! money isn't easy though. so many plans, so little money. no money, no clothes. no money, no gym membership. eh, I'll find a way. [editline]8th May 2016[/editline] what things are there to do that commonly boost self confidence and relieve depression & anxiety? I can't really workout in like a week anyway since I have no money until then, and even then I have to see. have to save some money on the side for various activities I have planned.[/QUOTE] Even if you just do a little workout at home every other day it'll do yourself good man, find a routine, i started doing a few sets every other day and im thinking of a gym membership soon, i want to be able ot look at my body and be proud of what i achieved soon.

[QUOTE=shrinkme;50273413]Does anyone have any tips to stop gaming so much? I spend most of my days playing league, and it seems like a waste of time. I feel like I should be doing more productive things than playing league all day, and I figure that if I stop gaming so much I'll eventually find other things to do.[/QUOTE] Read how to books and try to put what you learn into practice. Go to church. You may not like the religion, but it is something to get you the frick out of the house.

[QUOTE=DELL;50282285]Well that sucks. Long acting ritalin gave me a massive amount of side effects that just made me much worse. Now that I've been switched to vyvanse though the side effects are dry mouth, a little extra sweating, and I feel colder. Which for the amount of symptom control I get it's night and day difference from the concentra. Plus with the dry mouth and extra sweating all I have to do to get around that is drink more water. Which after the first two weeks of being on this all the other side effects have gone away, which were frequent peeing and mild anxiety.[/QUOTE] The dry mouth I got on ritalin was insane. I definitely don't miss that. In New Zealand it's a much easier affair to get treated for ADD. I had an amazing learning disability specialist and when it came time to go on ritalin I just walked in there, had a good talk to him and walked out with a prescription. I understand the potential for abuse with these kinds of medication but Australia treats people like babies who don't know any better. It drives me crazy. At least you're managing well with your meds somewhat. Hope it keeps working out.

I fucked up and cut myself again. NOT happy with myself. AT ALL. I thought I was done with this bullshit, god fucking dammit.

i'm helpless i hate this feeling i hate it fuck I hate that I can't do anythign to help those I care about this is so vexing and infuriating i can't do anythign fuck im not asking for miracles just I wish I could help those most precious to me like truly help them aslkd

sigh how do i make depression fuck off

I did it again, I thought I'd have a good day. Naturally my stomach sabotages my day, then I get yelled at for yet again fucking up the rolls, and then to top it off I'm told everyone is tired if it because I should not be having this issue. I've tried not to mess up the rolls and somehow that makes it worse. Hell, even if I do the rolls right, something else is wrong. Sometimes I feel like all I do is fuck up. And I've felt that my entire life I've been nothing but a burden to people. I'm sure your sick of me moaning and bitching because that's all I do. There are days where I feel that even with the emotional hit me killing myself would do, it would still make everyone's lives easier. I haven't offed myself yet cause it would make people upset, there really isn't much else to it. Honestly if i I lost my job I probably wouldn't think twice about killing myself then and there, just to save everyone from the shame of knowing such a pathetic waste of space that can't even do a simple job.. It's why I want a master. I have no worth, but perhaps as a slave pleasing a singular person is something I can do. It's simple, direct, and if I screw up, I get what i deserve. And a master would force me to do things, force me and drag me to do important things. Course that's broken and wishful thinking...

one of my cat's kidneys might be getting worse instead of better/staying stable like it was showing signs of a month ago. my vet said he has probably around 2 years as long as he stays stable (this was 2 months ago) but this could mean he might go into kidney failure and.. within a few to several months at worse. fuck i'm really hoping it's just a UTI instead

I wasn't sure what to make of this experience so figured i'd ask here today my mum basically unloaded a huge amount of screaming and emotional abuse at me for no apparent reason (long story, context is something that was out of my control and not really that big of a deal, but she made it a HUGE deal), but it made me start feeling rather down about myself afterwords, put a big dent in my positivity, very slowly my state of mind changed from just angry at her to looking out for.. danger, anywhere and everywhere, feeling like reality it self had become hostile, even random paragraphs written by strangers would just fuel a sense of 'there is danger, watch out', from which it just escalated into a full blown worry/concern, anticipation of terrible things happening and those possible situations running through my mind etc etc etc etc, my sense of reality became very disjointed, like everything had some deeper implication behind it, and I myself felt very weakened mentally, like I'd actually just fucked up somehow in a massive way on a cosmic scale and now there's gonna be massive consequences and I couldn't do anything to stop it, but I couldn't figure out what 'it' was that was going to happen, so I just had to keep 'looking out' for it, or something. that eased up after a while and I went into reflection, reassessed my perception on some things... and started feeling better I think I just had an actual anxiety attack, but i'm not sure. I've had 'panic' attacks before but they were always very SUDDEN and intrusive by comparison, those have since stopped, this was rather slow in terms of onset, and it lasted a fair while... It felt longer than it was but probably lasted a good half an hour to an hour i'm just wondering if that sounds typical of an actual anxiety attack And if so... fuck.. I feel for people who get chronic anxiety attacks. That was literally a frightening experience

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow, I really fucking don't. There are 2 tests tomorrow which I haven't studied at all due to a homework, and it's taking lots of my time and I'm not even done yet now. I'm not prepared at all and now I haven't ate dinner because I don't have time. But I don't have a reason to skip school tomorrow, It's really stressing me out and I know I'll fail on all the tests if I go tomorrow. And it's not the kind of school where you could just pass even you have a terrible scores, postpone deadlines or all that, it's restricted as fuck. Fuck me.

I am essentially waiting until my parents die before I suicide I don't want to cause more shit in their lifetime

Yeah It's one thing after another with my life. I'm so furious I'm just going to give the "abridged" version. I got a job, I'm a maid. I clean houses. Basically a female custodian. It's a gross job but a job is a job and I get paid under the table and it's alright. Physically demanding, but I can handle it. I'm back in massachussetts "living" with my grandfather, who has constantly discouraged me, degraded me, and craves control over me. He calls me anorexic and... holdon let me just fast forward to last night when I was in the ER over septic shock that WASNT TREATED because he told the staff I was "anorexic" and they dismissed my problem and told me to eat more when I eat three times a day, I have chronic constipation. I mean the ER couldn't do much about it. Last night I had to call 911 because I was going to pass out, my entire torso was burning and sharp and it was just absolute hell. Some gross stuff happened and my tounge is still burnt from all that bile and acid that came up. Alright so, I called a doctors office I was reffered too because I kept telling the hospital staff I'm backed up, the x rays showed that I was. My grandpa helped me set up an appointment because I don't know how to do that, and I was learning how to, and my god damn grandpa decided to tell them I have a job and am getting paid, when I'm not supposed to because that will fuck up my health insurance and I won't be eledgible for anything anymore. I don't have the money to pay for any shit. Not to mention my goddamn hospital bill for the ambulance WAS covered, but it won't be when they find out I have a job, thanks to my loud mouth grandpa I may be thousands of dollars in debt over a fucking ambulance ride and treatment that didn't fucking help. I'm still in pain, my grandpa had me wake up and do chores and shit when my stomach and intestines feel like they're going to fucking rupture. Its just been hell because now my grandpa is forcing me to go to therapy or else I get kicked out. So I agreed to it, because I have to suck up to my family and obey them like a little slave. I might have to PAY for therapy I can't afford and don't want/need. I have to PAY for that god damn ambulance ride and the ER visit, they didn't even DO ANYTHING! I'm so fucked over and I could die from chronic constipation. As soon as my hospital bill comes in the mail I'm gonna run the fuck away, and withdraw all my money from my bank account and close it down. I know, you're gonna ask me: [B]Wait, you have a job, why not save up and pay off the hospital bill and pay for the therapy and the doctor?[/B] My answer: [B]I'm getting kicked out soon after my birthday, that's in august. I only have the rest of May, June, July, and some of August to pay off, pay my health insurance, and therapist, and save up money for a car, which I wont have enough to do so. Not only that I have to file taxes or some shit because my big mouthed grandfather mentioned I have a job, that I get paid under the table to do, so the taxes aren't taken out of it. There's no way I can afford to do all this shit. I was supposed to be here to avoid being in a homeless shelter and to save some money up... but no.[/B] [editline]9th May 2016[/editline] So much for my "oh so generous" family. I woulda been better off homeless in alabama, at least I coulda been with my friend. Now I'm far away and on an island. [editline]9th May 2016[/editline] [I][B]You know what? I noticed something. I have never truly experienced being "free" until I was homeless. What a sad, fucked up world.[/B][/I]