Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=ZombieDawgs;50361234][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/KAy06N7.png[/IMG] thanks[/QUOTE] I hate bringing this around to me, but humor like this honestly prevented me from killing myself, and generally prevents me from being depressed. One night I was honestly considering offing myself. I wanted it to be quick and painless so I looked up ways to do that. First result was a website that was an advertisement to a drug that was designed to kill you quick and painless. It read exactly like a scam, it was in the format of one. "Are you feeling suicidal? Do you feel like the whole world wants to get you? Then we have the drug just for you!" It then went on about how there was a plant in the lost jungles of the Amazon forest or something of when consumed, it would give you a quick and painless death. I would get it if I paid $99.99 and I just couldn't stop laughing. I felt happier for some reason, and I didn't really have that much of a motivation to kill myself. I feel guilty talking about it because I was pretty much laughing at the fact that scammers would go as low to scam someone considering suicide.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50362084]Still having leg pain. Still wanting to pay 50 dollars for peace of mind at the ER.[/QUOTE] update on this: ended up only paying $35 for peace of mind at an urgent care clinic he told me it's most likely some soft tissue damage and it should go away in 7-14 days and even though it's SUPER UNLIKELY, if it swells at all, to go to the ER for obvs reasons but otherwise he has 0 reason to believe it's any sort of clot which helps a lot.... please keep me off of web md

I wanted to talk to my Ex about something today and she told me I was "retarded" and that I should just get out of her life for good. Ouch..okay.

Starting to have suicidal thoughts again and I don't know why. I've been indulging myself with luxury goods like ice cream, cigarettes, video games, friends, movies, etc. and now I'm suddenly anxious and wondering if it's worth trying to be happy.

I've posted here before, but been a while. Just thought it'd be good to actually try and type things out and get it straight, maybe it'd help even. Let's see, where to start... So, in January I had a work related injury. Knee-cap dislocation was now recurrent, and since it happened AT work, I now had to deal with a compensation agent and telephonic nurse. The physical therapy wasn't great, and now I was missing work and getting less pay which was going to make a possible move in February a little harder. Not that it matters though, considering the visit in February to make sure that was even going to work out went bad because one of the roomies had developed unrequited romantic feelings for me that, doing the best I could with the other friend we had there...still led him to try to commit suicide in the middle of the night. Had to explain things to the cops, who nicely said I should probably stay out of sight while he got taken to the hospital for suicide watch. (Lasted the weekend, had to get a taxi to take me and my friend to the airport after we housesat the rest of the days.) So that wasn't going to work out. This friend was pretty close to but, for him, we had to cut down contact so he could have a chance to get over things. By this point, I was getting a bit stressed past the point that the medication I was on (zoloft and wellbutrin) weren't really helping at all. Their effects weren't actually all that great before either, so around this time my psychiatrist said to ween off the zoloft since there didn't seem a point in taking it. I started to go back to work, but on extensive restriction (knee wasn't great, but I fell on my elbow too, that hasn't healed correctly as of now. Still unstable.) I'm a big co-op gamer, and the Division was coming out in a week or so. I had a couple friends who were into games like that, so I dished out some extra money for copies for all three of us. I thought that, hanging out with good friends in a game that (granted, was hoping would be a little better than it was,) would lift some of the stress. Well, neither of them ever got around to playing after an initial venture which, thanks to that 'logging into the computer' bug, we spent in line. Yeah. The one time we got to play, that's what we did. For the next month, I tried to get the three of us together but it never worked out. After a week, I decided to play the game on my own for a while. (Yeah, I was waiting.) I also decided to just try and play it with either of them, but one was hardly available at all, and the other said 'yes, we'll play.' more times than I can count before...well, not playing. Not even any game. Not even any day. I got up early, stayed up late, tried to make everything as convenient as possible. Finally I just started to silently break down because I put all my chips into this to try and get my mind off my suicidal friend, (who wasn't improving much,) the work injury, trying to work even while injured, and my brain chemistry being fucked over going off the meds. Move into April, and Dark Souls III released. Which was a real eye opener, since every single person that was too busy to hang out with me was able to put 5-10 hours into this one the first day of release. I broke a rule of mine, I removed quite a few people who fit all these criteria since they weren't a lot of help in better times anyway. I used to think that things would get better or would improve but, by this point I didn't think it was worth it anymore. On April 1st, a friend and co-worker went missing. She was a good friend, liked me more than I would've thought considering I'm a bit of an asshole at work. But not like, genuinely, it was always for a laugh. But some people still took that too seriously. Anyway, she went missing on the 1st. A week later, cops released that her body was found in a public park (a few days ago they made public that she was rolled into the fetal position in a small indenture in the ground, and a large piece of plywood put on top to hide her.) I've made my peace, mostly, with this. I had my emotional nights about it, work had a vigil, we all gave angry looks to the reporters who all showed up despite being asked not to. All I wanted at this point was a hug, but I didn't really have that option at the moment. My friends list online had gotten very small, only a couple people still talked to me. Thankfully, my suicidal friend wasn't suicidal anymore, which was nice to know. Things were improving for him actually! But his mind was still pre-occupied with me if he wasn't careful, so he wasn't someone I could confide in yet. My brain wasn't doing well still off the meds, I was getting more and more irritable and frustrated. Last few weeks at work, somehow, we had about 3-4 people on vacation at the same time and one guy quit. (I work in a warehouse, so this made all the manual labor intensify which wasn't good for my stupid arm and strained my knees a bit. OH, about the knees. Got them MRIed, went to a couple orthopedists on it, turns out I have shallow patellar grooves, strained tendons on the inside, and the femur and tibia were apparently out of alignment a little. So basically, it's hard to believe I can walk at all without my knees just going POP.) Handicapable was what my co-workers used to describe me. Real super. Now, finally... I can't really say exactly what happened but: basically, a friend and a crush decided to fuck and tell me about it. (Not exactly what happened but that's the gist.) I wasn't involved with either of them, but if I thought I could've been, I would have. I nearly cried in therapy, that's the first time it's ever happened. (Oh, right, I've been in therapy. Hasn't really been helping.) He said the feelings I was having were valid, that even though it wasn't like I was being cheated on, I was grieving over the fantasies and desires I had concerning either of them. I don't know. I seriously feel at my end though. Things I used to enjoy I can't even think about without thinking about one of these events. I was reading a book about co-dependency and found I exhibited a lot of those behaviors (changing them for instance to fit in, forcing my help on people in order to 'get help back,' and on that, going above and beyond what I should have to help people. Even taking on the consequences of their actions so they wouldn't have to hoping it would make them love me.) It's pathetic. Especially since it didn't work. But I've been like this my whole life, so much so that I don't even know how to take care of myself. I just take care of other people and hope they'll take care of me. And they don't. Clingy/needy people are hard to deal with, being a clingy/needy person is even worse. I feel so awful. I appreciate anyone whose read through this. I know there's more. There's always more. Impending surgeries for my eye, knee, possibly elbow if that MRI comes back showing anything rattling around in there. Credit card debt, perpetual self hatred about that and the above. I feel irreparable, hopeless. But I don't want to die yet, at least. Suppose that's something.

considering starving myself to death

the maslow pyramid of needs makes me feel so worthless, goddamn.

I have a friend online who's 15. He's suicidal. I keep telling him the stuff that's helped so many others, that I'll be there, that he should just try new things, but he's a record on repeat. He's attempting suicide now and then. I feel like at this point he could just be wanting attention, though. But I'm afraid he's not. Driving me crazy.

I have a feeling that oversleeping is pretty common among the depressed so feel it's appropriate to share this here as I've struggled with the same for soo long, never hearing alarms and suddenly it's 16:00 in the afternoon. I tried out that Sleep as Android app and its packed with useful features, both for waking up and falling asleep. the main things that I think make the most difference to actually hearing the alarm and waking up must be its smart alarm function and being able to use radio as the alarm. the smart alarm thing defaults to 30 minutes before your alarm and if it detects movement within that time frame, it'll ring. apparently it notices when you're in a light sleep phase which if woken from will feel natural. you won't wake up completely exhausted which happens if you're in either REM or deep sleep. it sounds crazy and fake that it can detect this just by using your phone or your smart watch, but so far it seems to work really well despite the odds! I was out drinking last night which by itself deteriorates the quality of sleep and I also got home way too late. I was in bed by 3AM and I didn't struggle at all to get out of bed 07:45 (15 mins before my alarm, smart alarm kicked in)! I'm definitely groggy and I clearly haven't slept enough but at least I managed to get up. using radio instead of the same alarm every day also does wonders so far. I've tried this in the past too and it worked well then too. seems like our brains get used to the alarm eventually and manages to block the sound out when used for too long which a radio fixes since you won't hear that same sound every morning. my Philips Hue lights hook into this thing as well, totally recommend smart lights. more accurate tracking while using a smart watch too. I have high hopes of being able to get a stable sleeping routine, especially now. I was really scared with last night in mind, I had a feeling I definitely wouldn't get up and that it would ruin the routine I'm trying to build but I did manage to get up!

It's really disheartening when I go out, but I cannot stop thinking about [I]everything[/I], and so I end up being able to only look glum or otherwise dance so hard I can't think about anything else. And then tonight some friend's girlfriend asked me if I'm "Ok" while I was dancing, and I didn't realize that I was giving off anything that might be considered negative, and that totally bummed me out and I went outside and tried to make myself scarce. I can't say I agree with the drinking and over-stimulation culture, but I'm not about to interfere with it. When I try to participate I just fear that I'm detracting from everyone's experience, and that girl asking me if I'm "ok" really made me paranoid that I'm just making the night worse for everyone. Why can't I, even when drunk, act without worry for others, why I can't I just be normal. It's so frustrating, it makes me want to cry. I want to just think about nothing and be happy, why is that so fucking hard?

[QUOTE=Zakkin;50369437]I have a friend online who's 15. He's suicidal. I keep telling him the stuff that's helped so many others, that I'll be there, that he should just try new things, but he's a record on repeat. He's attempting suicide now and then. I feel like at this point he could just be wanting attention, though. But I'm afraid he's not. Driving me crazy.[/QUOTE] I believe I know him as well. I really don't know what to say when goes on one of those subjects other than just aggressively telling him about positive stuff. I think I just leave well enough alone right now. He's gotta comes to terms with stuff on his own in the end, after all.

Fuck I don't even know anymore, I kinda want to go back to being numb. Yet I know it won't help anything. Though I think the best thing for me to do is avoid people as my issues just get worse when I interact with them.

[QUOTE=Gar;50368562]I've posted here before, but been a while. Just thought it'd be good to actually try and type things out and get it straight, maybe it'd help even. Let's see, where to start... So, in January I had a work related injury. Knee-cap dislocation was now recurrent, and since it happened AT work, I now had to deal with a compensation agent and telephonic nurse. The physical therapy wasn't great, and now I was missing work and getting less pay which was going to make a possible move in February a little harder. Not that it matters though, considering the visit in February to make sure that was even going to work out went bad because one of the roomies had developed unrequited romantic feelings for me that, doing the best I could with the other friend we had there...still led him to try to commit suicide in the middle of the night. Had to explain things to the cops, who nicely said I should probably stay out of sight while he got taken to the hospital for suicide watch. (Lasted the weekend, had to get a taxi to take me and my friend to the airport after we housesat the rest of the days.) So that wasn't going to work out. This friend was pretty close to but, for him, we had to cut down contact so he could have a chance to get over things. By this point, I was getting a bit stressed past the point that the medication I was on (zoloft and wellbutrin) weren't really helping at all. Their effects weren't actually all that great before either, so around this time my psychiatrist said to ween off the zoloft since there didn't seem a point in taking it. I started to go back to work, but on extensive restriction (knee wasn't great, but I fell on my elbow too, that hasn't healed correctly as of now. Still unstable.) I'm a big co-op gamer, and the Division was coming out in a week or so. I had a couple friends who were into games like that, so I dished out some extra money for copies for all three of us. I thought that, hanging out with good friends in a game that (granted, was hoping would be a little better than it was,) would lift some of the stress. Well, neither of them ever got around to playing after an initial venture which, thanks to that 'logging into the computer' bug, we spent in line. Yeah. The one time we got to play, that's what we did. For the next month, I tried to get the three of us together but it never worked out. After a week, I decided to play the game on my own for a while. (Yeah, I was waiting.) I also decided to just try and play it with either of them, but one was hardly available at all, and the other said 'yes, we'll play.' more times than I can count before...well, not playing. Not even any game. Not even any day. I got up early, stayed up late, tried to make everything as convenient as possible. Finally I just started to silently break down because I put all my chips into this to try and get my mind off my suicidal friend, (who wasn't improving much,) the work injury, trying to work even while injured, and my brain chemistry being fucked over going off the meds. Move into April, and Dark Souls III released. Which was a real eye opener, since every single person that was too busy to hang out with me was able to put 5-10 hours into this one the first day of release. I broke a rule of mine, I removed quite a few people who fit all these criteria since they weren't a lot of help in better times anyway. I used to think that things would get better or would improve but, by this point I didn't think it was worth it anymore. On April 1st, a friend and co-worker went missing. She was a good friend, liked me more than I would've thought considering I'm a bit of an asshole at work. But not like, genuinely, it was always for a laugh. But some people still took that too seriously. Anyway, she went missing on the 1st. A week later, cops released that her body was found in a public park (a few days ago they made public that she was rolled into the fetal position in a small indenture in the ground, and a large piece of plywood put on top to hide her.) I've made my peace, mostly, with this. I had my emotional nights about it, work had a vigil, we all gave angry looks to the reporters who all showed up despite being asked not to. All I wanted at this point was a hug, but I didn't really have that option at the moment. My friends list online had gotten very small, only a couple people still talked to me. Thankfully, my suicidal friend wasn't suicidal anymore, which was nice to know. Things were improving for him actually! But his mind was still pre-occupied with me if he wasn't careful, so he wasn't someone I could confide in yet. My brain wasn't doing well still off the meds, I was getting more and more irritable and frustrated. Last few weeks at work, somehow, we had about 3-4 people on vacation at the same time and one guy quit. (I work in a warehouse, so this made all the manual labor intensify which wasn't good for my stupid arm and strained my knees a bit. OH, about the knees. Got them MRIed, went to a couple orthopedists on it, turns out I have shallow patellar grooves, strained tendons on the inside, and the femur and tibia were apparently out of alignment a little. So basically, it's hard to believe I can walk at all without my knees just going POP.) Handicapable was what my co-workers used to describe me. Real super. Now, finally... I can't really say exactly what happened but: basically, a friend and a crush decided to fuck and tell me about it. (Not exactly what happened but that's the gist.) I wasn't involved with either of them, but if I thought I could've been, I would have. I nearly cried in therapy, that's the first time it's ever happened. (Oh, right, I've been in therapy. Hasn't really been helping.) He said the feelings I was having were valid, that even though it wasn't like I was being cheated on, I was grieving over the fantasies and desires I had concerning either of them. I don't know. I seriously feel at my end though. Things I used to enjoy I can't even think about without thinking about one of these events. I was reading a book about co-dependency and found I exhibited a lot of those behaviors (changing them for instance to fit in, forcing my help on people in order to 'get help back,' and on that, going above and beyond what I should have to help people. Even taking on the consequences of their actions so they wouldn't have to hoping it would make them love me.) It's pathetic. Especially since it didn't work. But I've been like this my whole life, so much so that I don't even know how to take care of myself. I just take care of other people and hope they'll take care of me. And they don't. Clingy/needy people are hard to deal with, being a clingy/needy person is even worse. I feel so awful. I appreciate anyone whose read through this. I know there's more. There's always more. Impending surgeries for my eye, knee, possibly elbow if that MRI comes back showing anything rattling around in there. Credit card debt, perpetual self hatred about that and the above. I feel irreparable, hopeless. But I don't want to die yet, at least. Suppose that's something.[/QUOTE] Oh my god. I'm sorry you're going through that. That's absolute hell to have a string of bad events come one after the other. Please hang in there though. :<

Well I'm good now, working through these triggers that cause all the unpleasantness is a hell of a lot harder than I thought. Oh the joys of years of abuse, neglect, and being stuck in the weird world of my mind.

Not sure which thread relevant, but I used to post here more often than other places... Tomorrow I'm going to work and working up courage to tell my boss I'm leaving... I got a job offer in game development so I need to tell my boss I'm leaving, but. Feeling anxious about the whole thing 😞

Two weeks now trying escitalopram. Gonna start waning off it tomorrow. It has worked well with taking away my melancholia, but the price just seems to high. Not being sad, not being happy or even angry. Just being. Biggest notice was that people have always said that I'm an exceptionally good hugger. I've hugged people with all my warmth to feel theirs. I've also been a really strong empath. But all that has been gone for two weeks.

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;50373465]Two weeks now trying escitalopram. Gonna start waning off it tomorrow. It has worked well with taking away my melancholia, but the price just seems to high. Not being sad, not being happy or even angry. Just being. Biggest notice was that people have always said that I'm an exceptionally good hugger. I've hugged people with all my warmth to feel theirs. I've also been a really strong empath. But all that has been gone for two weeks.[/QUOTE] I'm on Citalopram (escitalopram's cousin) and it's working well for me, and it's really cheap because the patent expired in 03. You might consider trying it.

Nervous and borderline panicky as hell because tommorow my grandpa comes home and hes getting here super early in the morning and as soon as he does we're supposed to have a "talk" about where I should go or do from here. (I know this because he told me before he left that he wanted me to figure out where I wanted to go from here"... in other words, find a place to live.) I'm being kicked out or he's going to try and put me into some sort of hospital because that's what my family has tried to do with me for awhile now. Now that I'm 18 they want me locked up. All I ask is that he let me wait until my packages from amazon arrive and I'll be out of there ASAP. So June 3rd is when my stuff arrives.

I honestly fucking hate my family I will never be happy living with them No matter what I do or how hard I try to be good to them it's never good enough, they always blame me for everything, make me feel down and guilty, and control 100% of my life, what I do and don't do. A few hours ago my mom came into my room blaming me for something I don't even know what is was, I asked what did I even do and that caused her to get even more pissed, before slamming my door shut. I did fucking NOTHING. It's funny to think that once I get live alone I won't be depressed anymore and I will be happy with the freedom I desperately want to achieve [editline]22nd May 2016[/editline] I really wish I could attempt suicide but not actually die, so I'd end up badly wounded in the hospital. Maybe that would make them leave me the fuck alone I told them multiple times that I tried to kill myself before, but they just laugh at me and make jokes about it The nervous breakdowns I constantly have also don't help, it gives them more reason to make fun of me and turn me into the disgrace of the family who should be shunned upon why are they so cruel to me what did I even do

[QUOTE=Arktomys;50374354]I honestly fucking hate my family I will never be happy living with them No matter what I do or how hard I try to be good to them it's never good enough, they always blame me for everything, make me feel down and guilty, and control 100% of my life, what I do and don't do. A few hours ago my mom came into my room blaming me for something I don't even know what is was, I asked what did I even do and that caused her to get even more pissed, before slamming my door shut. I did fucking NOTHING. It's funny to think that once I get live alone I won't be depressed anymore and I will be happy with the freedom I desperately want to achieve [editline]22nd May 2016[/editline] I really wish I could attempt suicide but not actually die, so I'd end up badly wounded in the hospital. Maybe that would make them leave me the fuck alone I told them multiple times that I tried to kill myself before, but they just laugh at me and make jokes about it The nervous breakdowns I constantly have also don't help, it gives them more reason to make fun of me and turn me into the disgrace of the family who should be shunned upon why are they so cruel to me what did I even do[/QUOTE] Is it bad that I know almost exacty what you're going through? Dude manipulative, controlling, narcisistic parents/family are the absolute worst. There's a whole sub-reddit for narcisistic parents like ours. (and others) TBH I might join reddit and contribute to that thread (if its still around) [editline]23rd May 2016[/editline] Or on second thought I'm gonna avoid reddit because I don't understand how it works. [editline]23rd May 2016[/editline] [url]https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/[/url] found it [editline]23rd May 2016[/editline] This article here [url]http://www.bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-of-Narcissistic-parents-resources/[/url] Oh my god it makes so much sense. I'm not crazy. This is an ACTUAL thing that people go through.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50374396]Is it bad that I know almost exacty what you're going through? Dude manipulative, controlling, narcisistic parents/family are the absolute worst. There's a whole sub-reddit for narcisistic parents like ours. (and others) TBH I might join reddit and contribute to that thread (if its still around) [editline]23rd May 2016[/editline] Or on second thought I'm gonna avoid reddit because I don't understand how it works. [editline]23rd May 2016[/editline] [url]https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/[/url] found it [editline]23rd May 2016[/editline] This article here [url]http://www.bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-of-Narcissistic-parents-resources/[/url] Oh my god it makes so much sense. I'm not crazy. This is an ACTUAL thing that people go through.[/QUOTE] jesus fuck that article It feels like I'm reading about my parents and my life, what the fuck They're engulfing parents, my sister is the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. It makes way too much sense. Hell, all four of those traits match, especially 3, control [editline]22nd May 2016[/editline] That article was a really good read, thank you.

[QUOTE=Zakkin;50369437]I have a friend online who's 15. He's suicidal. I keep telling him the stuff that's helped so many others, that I'll be there, that he should just try new things, but he's a record on repeat. He's attempting suicide now and then. I feel like at this point he could just be wanting attention, though. But I'm afraid he's not. Driving me crazy.[/QUOTE] PSA: Don't do what the 15 year old is doing. Ever. I have all my sympathy towards you, dude. Dealing with that shit is the worst thing ever for people. I wish that people with depression knew this because it reinforces a stereotype that those who are suicidal are selfish and don't care about others.

you know I actually kinda despise disorder related support communities, more specifically on reddit.. not because they don't offer support or anything, just in relation to my own disorders, it tends to be the case that the more I browse those kinda forums, the more I get caught up in a sense of hopelessness because the majority of the content shared is negative and pessimistic, then dismissive of anyone that tries to share positive success stories in growth/healing/coping etc etc (go figure, it's a support community) it's not as bad here because there's a genuine sort of chain of someone needing/asking for support, someone else responding as positively as possible or at least in a way that doesn't perpetuate a constant "nah shit's fucked" kinda ideology, probably the one forum relating to disorders I can stand to read and occasionally respond in or even turn to if I need to work through some things, hard to explain why it's different, it's a subtle difference, but it just doesn't have the same negative impact on my mind as other places. I guess the point of this post was, no matter what you're going through, be mindful of what content you actually expose yourself too and take in, because you can inadvertently make it worse if you're saturating yourself with unhelpful content that just perpetuates a state of hopelessness.

[QUOTE=elasticity;50375021]you know I actually kinda despise disorder related support communities, more specifically on reddit.. not because they don't offer support or anything, just in relation to my own disorders, it tends to be the case that the more I browse those kinda forums, the more I get caught up in a sense of hopelessness because the majority of the content shared is negative and pessimistic, then dismissive of anyone that tries to share positive success stories in growth/healing/coping etc etc (go figure, it's a support community) it's not as bad here because there's a genuine sort of chain of someone needing/asking for support, someone else responding as positively as possible or at least in a way that doesn't perpetuate a constant "nah shit's fucked" kinda ideology, probably the one forum relating to disorders I can stand to read and occasionally respond in or even turn to if I need to work through some things, hard to explain why it's different, it's a subtle difference, but it just doesn't have the same negative impact on my mind as other places. I guess the point of this post was, no matter what you're going through, be mindful of what content you actually expose yourself too and take in, because you can inadvertently make it worse if you're saturating yourself with unhelpful content that just perpetuates a state of hopelessness.[/QUOTE] [url]https://www.reddit.com/r/autism[/url] is the worst So condescending Don't go there

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50374036]Nervous and borderline panicky as hell because tommorow my grandpa comes home and hes getting here super early in the morning and as soon as he does we're supposed to have a "talk" about where I should go or do from here. (I know this because he told me before he left that he wanted me to figure out where I wanted to go from here"... in other words, find a place to live.) I'm being kicked out or he's going to try and put me into some sort of hospital because that's what my family has tried to do with me for awhile now. Now that I'm 18 they want me locked up. All I ask is that he let me wait until my packages from amazon arrive and I'll be out of there ASAP. So June 3rd is when my stuff arrives.[/QUOTE] You posted about this many times before but I need to ask. (Since it might be my last chance before you won't be able to connect to the internet anymore or something due to not having a place to stay) Why are you in this situation right now? Why is your grandfather kicking you out when you have nowhere else to go? With you being 18 no less. I know you might have explained this before in another thread a long time ago. But I can't help but be curious as to why your family is treating you this way.

I made that post and yet I continue argue with people trying to help :v: goddamn. Going on day by day with the mantra "just do it" only really helps when you know what you're doing. I don't know what I'm doing. Nothing makes me happy except people and that's only certain circumstances and is not anything I have control over, not to mention I'm not allowed to think that anymore because that's what has led me here. But what do you do when you don't know what to do? All this advice of "love yourself," and "do what makes you happy" feels like I'm dropped into the middle of a forest and supposed to know all the signs that lead to the way out. And I don't! But when I say these things, it then feels like I'm fighting the 'medicine' and should just give in. But seriously, what am I giving in to? Giving in to not knowing a damn thing and just hoping what makes me happy will just come along? I'm stressed now.

there is a crushing agony in my chest and it makes me want to stop living

successful session at the gym after a 5 month long break! feeling like king, glad to be back. I've lost way less strength than I initially thought too which is super cool. I was expecting to start from scratch, and while I don't think I can lift as much as I used to, I'm still lifting way more than I expected I could. also super cool to lift in clothes that actually fit [editline]23rd May 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=elasticity;50375021]you know I actually kinda despise disorder related support communities, more specifically on reddit.. not because they don't offer support or anything, just in relation to my own disorders, it tends to be the case that the more I browse those kinda forums, the more I get caught up in a sense of hopelessness because the majority of the content shared is negative and pessimistic, then dismissive of anyone that tries to share positive success stories in growth/healing/coping etc etc (go figure, it's a support community) it's not as bad here because there's a genuine sort of chain of someone needing/asking for support, someone else responding as positively as possible or at least in a way that doesn't perpetuate a constant "nah shit's fucked" kinda ideology, probably the one forum relating to disorders I can stand to read and occasionally respond in or even turn to if I need to work through some things, hard to explain why it's different, it's a subtle difference, but it just doesn't have the same negative impact on my mind as other places. I guess the point of this post was, no matter what you're going through, be mindful of what content you actually expose yourself too and take in, because you can inadvertently make it worse if you're saturating yourself with unhelpful content that just perpetuates a state of hopelessness.[/QUOTE] this is a thought I've had myself often when reading through threads in communities that focuses on problems. I think it's important to have a balance, not just vent and come with negative things every time you post. vent about problems and hopelessness when it's present, openly post thoughts about solving your situation and most importantly, post positive things about how you're progressing, how something helps and how awesome your day is every now and then! it's so discouraging when you've been down yourself for a while and all you read is people never getting better. fact is that people just keep their mouth shut about everything positive because it's not related to having it awful, therefore it seems unfitting for disorder style threads / communities. this thought has struck me a few times myself. I'm not always sure if it's fitting to post about "happy" things for some reason but I've just figured that people just appreciate seeing progress and it's a good way for me to unload thoughts (even positive things must be unloaded!)

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this situation i'm in isn't doing much good for my mental health atm i'm jobless at the moment, i'm basically my family's taxi at the moment, I have a close friend that wants to hang out whenever he's not working, on top of that my family decides to constantly put me in the middle of their conflicts, and tryna push me to do things for them instead of giving me space to work out my own shit, I feel like in the midst of it all, I don't get much time to myself where I can work up the energy to push forward with my own life, it's just sort of stumbling from one thing to the next, barely spending enough time in between to really think about what i'm going to do because i'm tired from the last thing and just tryna distract myself for a while it sucks a bit, it's draining... i'm just tired hey, like, in a broader sense, I still find ways to enjoy myself and all but it's all getting so redundant so fast, I need change, but I can't seem to get the time or space to really start putting change into action.. with that i'm starting to lose interest in my hobbies because it's all so... pointless it doesn't give me money, it doesn't provide me opportunity to really expand on my set of experiences, etc etc, engaging in my hobbies is fine, when there's nothing else to worry about, but in the current situation, it's just another distraction that prevents me from moving forward with things, but IDK if disengaging from them is really the answer, so much as I feel it at least opens up some more space/time to hopefully put my energy into improving the situation tl;dr i'm stuck in a situation where i'm going nowhere, and fast at it, and it's just draining, god damned hamster wheel of life i swear. on the plus side, at least i'm not destroying myself with constant drug abuse in the process like I once used too, so I suppose I have made progress in that sense, just need to find a way to move forward from here and start achieving some of my goals instead of being stuck chasing my own tail, a job would be pretty much the solution towards that if I could just manage to bloody find one anyways that's my little vent, i'll be fine either way, feel free to not respond and whatever, i'm probably gonna go to sleep soon, hopefully get up earlier tomorrow to catch some more daylight, hopefully feel a bit better rested if I get an earlier night