Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Now my brain is malfunctioning

Then why am I so fucking paranoid what people think about me

Because people suck as much as you do yourself. We're all equals in the name of the suck, share the suck, embrace the suck and accept it. You may think it's socialy wrong and emberassing, but you're probably the only one who notices it. Be a better man (by not giving a fuck; get a car), and you've beaten the other suckers that suck.

I've just had some long thoughts about what I want to be, and how I can put my mindset into achieving it. I need to maintain these pillars to set myself, but you can't start without them built! :)

17 years existing and I'm still only as useful and as meaningful as a non-existent, maybe even less.

you guys are my only friends i love you guys <3

If it's an issue of lack of libido, I'd see your physician about it. They may be able to provide you with treatment to get your libido moving again. Being asexual is more of a lack of sexual attraction than lack of libido. But you could have both. Or just one or the other. Talk about it with your girlfriend. See if you can come to some sort of compromise in the mean time.

There can be several things that a physician reccommends depending on what the source of the lack of libido is. Could be stress, could be hormones, something medically wrong. But it can vary from mental counseling to medication, yes.

[B]Tip:[/B] Take your medication for atleast 1-2 months (so your body adapts to it). After that, try to see the cons and pros. A lot of people decide to keep using it because the psychologist told them to take them. If the medication won't work, try a different sort, or do as I did: Ask the physcologist for a different method of rehabilitation without medication. Took time, but it worked. Been seeing psychologists since I was 6 due to my large collection of diagnoses, and barely any of the medications worked for me.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50378924]What's the point of living anymore? Seriously?! What the hell even is my life anymore? I'm being kicked out some time between june 1st-june 6th. My grandpa DOES have the decency to give me some time. I'm terrified of sitting out on the streets to panhandle and I can't live with my friend because fucking legal reasons. Suicide seems like a nice escape right now. I'll probably get raped, stabbed, and killed by some angry man within a week of being homeless and someone might stumble across my half-rotted lifeless courpse cut into large un-recognizable chunks off the side of a highway. Guess I have to accept this. I'm honestly at my whits end I have no other family who will take me in. I'm looking into homeless shelters and I'm going to hang out with my friend for a couple weeks and just forget about my troubles, but then after that I have to go or else she'll lose everything she's worked so hard for. Which will kill me faster? A shotgun or a train? [editline]23rd May 2016[/editline] Seriously I need to bite a bullet because there's absolutely no way I will be able to have a stable life because of my family and this economy. It's inevitable. I am trying to see any positive in this. All I have to look forward to is a couple weeks with my friend and being free from my abusive family. [editline]23rd May 2016[/editline] Every year, approximately 5,000 homeless young people will die because of assault, illness, or suicide while trying to survive.[/QUOTE] I had an idea. There are a lot of American facepunch users in this forum. It's likely that someone who frequents the forum may live in your area or state. Why don't you open a thread or something asking for a place to stay until you get your life together. Maybe there's someone studying or in need of someone to split the rent with. [B]Anyone here willing to lend IJNOMED a place to crash?[/B] It's worth a try. Not that you have anything to lose by asking for help. Better than killing yourself or entering a state of desperation. You gotta keep on fighting, girl. You can't quit. You said you're gonna hit the road in early June right? You still have a few days to plan your next steps. Don't give up the fight. My advice is: don't be embarrassed to ask for help. Open up a thread on General Discussions, explain your situation and see if anyone's willing to lend you a room or a couch until you can get your life back on track. (I don't think it's against the rules here, is it?).

Hey guys, just posting some recommended things that I found very useful to gaining a bit more confidence. Try searching up a Youtuber called Amy Young. She also has a website called amyyoungcoaching.com which has more content. She's mainly aiming at women so I'd recommend this for girls/women. She's really motivational and reminds you a lot of things about staying independent and strong. In general, I recommend moodjuice, moodgym, mind have some great programmes on, look up your local community centre as they do free management and support courses (various different companies do this), music is seriously therapeutic. I also found craft such as sewing, and other art like drawing very therapeutic too. I'm a bit too lazy to write a journal so I do a drawing one instead. I could go on for ages with suggestions, but if you'd like anymore feel free to chat to me. Happy to help. Hope this helped xx

I'm not sure if it's too early to say this, but I think this routine is pretty nailed down. seems like my body understands the timings already. of course, I can't let my guard down and think this is automated since I'll probably fall out of it in an instant but at least my body understands in a way. I don't necessarily feel a lot "happier" but I do notice I'm more confident and outwards. while I never had the thought that I was a "no life loser", I imagine I feel less like one now that I'm actually awake at day with a normal routine. I also go to the gym so I'm actually productive in my weeks. I have noticed a new problem related to sleep though which is not cool at all. I believe every night ever since I begun being strict about this routine, I've woken up between 1 to 3 times every night. I'm usually awake for pretty long too, ranging from 1 to 4 hours. if I wake up several times it's usually shorter, but if I wake up once or so I'm usually awake for a while. really frustrating, don't think I'm really getting enough sleep

ive tried everything i give up

[QUOTE=Tobin;50394874]ive tried everything i give up[/QUOTE] Keep trying as you haven't tried everything, you would need a least a thousand years to do that.

Currently in the middle of a hallucinogenic anxiety attack caused by sleep deprivation. At this point I think my mental and emotional state had shifted as such that I no longer feel safe being alone or anywhere near trains. Going to try and sleep one more time and hope I wake up with no memory of this, wish me luck.

[QUOTE=Tobin;50394874]ive tried everything i give up[/QUOTE] You have like 60 years. Every 5-10 year you may be a complete different person, and the chance that those times must suck is really low.

I recently got to know one of my online friends have been manipulating me to feel bad and help him up from a jealousy problem, while he held me so tight I couldn't speak to others. Now, after I told him to fuck off, he is trying to make it good again, but my paranoia says he just does it so everyone will give me shit for leaving him...

Why do I need to be constantly reminded of how useless and meaningless I am?

My problems are a sack of shit that I carry everyday. They smell bad, people don't like them and they're heavy as fuck at times. There's just a lot of shit I've collected through the years and its smell never lets me feel alright. As kid I was always made fun of, my parents saw me as a lazy fucker, troublemaker, my mother would cry at times because she was so desperate to know that no matter how hard she hit me or how heavy she would punish me, I would always get in trouble. My only solution back in then was just to follow orders. Do what they told me, I did with my parents wanted me to do, I did what other people wanted me to do at school. My mother told me that once I was done with all my responsibilities (which my crazy mind interpreted as "once you've done everything everyone told you to do") I could do whatever I wanted and ask for anything. That way of thinking helped me to get into a better school and improved my life in some way, but it also made me feel frustrated t times. I feel worthless because I could never be like the other people. I've never had any talent, if I am skilled with something it's because I practiced and worked hard on it, not because I was born with it or anything. I don't come from wealthy, my grandfather was poor and my father was poor too when they came to this city, the only reason my family had money was because my father worked hard and was good at what he did. I wasn't like my friends or the other kids in the block whose parents were rich politicians or had a high position at some company, I don't have gold medals or trophies with my name on it. I wasn't like the other guys and when I say that I'm not implying I'm some kind of special snowflake or anything that shitty people from Tumblr or romance movie scripts come up with. I've never known what it feels to be liked by someone who wasn't a close friend or my family. I cry inside when someone says something positive about me, it's ridiculous but positive feedback means a lot for someone who rarely gets any feedback beyond their family or close friends. I'm not handsome or cute or "cool" in any way. I don't try to be like the other people because I don't like lying to myself. I'm not like my friends who do shit like tough-love and act like the fucking world owes something to them. I am aware I am not better than everyone else, but I don't deserve to be treated like shit either. I don't like tough-love. I don't like being mean to other people because I already know what it feels when people are mean to you, I already know what it feels to be ignored, to be humiliated, to be excluded, to feel like you're the big bad guy in a city full of clean cut, holier-than-you people. The last thing I would want to do is to torture another human being and force them to be treated in the same way I used to be treated. I might look like a drug dealer and behave like a fucking wild animal at times, but I would never go off my way to make someone feel less than me. All I wish is that one day people could see before judging me that there is a never-ending battle going in my head. My head is just full of shit that it's really difficult for me to communicate with the real world at the same time I'm preventing myself to fall apart due to my own thoughts telling me I'm worthless, telling me about how bad I am while a small bit of hope tries to whisper to me and say "Don't listen to yourself, you're hurting yourself". I think that must be way I always seem to want to act violent, always listen to music 24/7 and waste my time with videogames. I'm just trying to bring that chaos outside so it can stop bothering me, I just want to throw that sack of shit out of my life and never ever see it again.

[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;50391758]I had an idea. There are a lot of American facepunch users in this forum. It's likely that someone who frequents the forum may live in your area or state. Why don't you open a thread or something asking for a place to stay until you get your life together. Maybe there's someone studying or in need of someone to split the rent with. [B]Anyone here willing to lend IJNOMED a place to crash?[/B] It's worth a try. Not that you have anything to lose by asking for help. Better than killing yourself or entering a state of desperation. You gotta keep on fighting, girl. You can't quit. You said you're gonna hit the road in early June right? You still have a few days to plan your next steps. Don't give up the fight. My advice is: don't be embarrassed to ask for help. Open up a thread on General Discussions, explain your situation and see if anyone's willing to lend you a room or a couch until you can get your life back on track. (I don't think it's against the rules here, is it?).[/QUOTE] While I appreciate the offer, I cant just be staying at random people's houses. Family and close friends are one thing, I can't just show up at a forum user's house and be like "hey man thanks for a place to sleep tonight" It's incredibly kind of you guys to suggest that, but when someone is homeless, it's kindof nearly impossible to get up on your feet. Most of you guys have stuff you're doing and It would be odd for me to just kindof be there. I can stay with my close friend for awhile and ill see what I can do from there. [editline]27th May 2016[/editline] In other news I just sold 80% of my belongings and I'm trying to sell my last few things before I get kicked out.

I'll just copy/paste it in greentext because I'm too bummed out to reword it: [QUOTE]>have good friend on facebook >met through a friend of a friend >talk for months and have a good time >sometimes talk about ex girlfriend >tell her I really wanna move on from ex >she says "I can show you what moving on looks like" >blocks me >panic >the one good friend I talked to has now abandoned me >probably will never talk to her again >probably will an hero[/QUOTE] I was looking forward to talking to her all the time I was in Europe, and when I got back to America and talked to her, I drove her away. Imagine how shit that is. I fucked up.

rule of thumb, don't talk to girls (or guys if you're a girl) you're getting to know about your ex, especially not about struggling to move on. Even if you're 'just friends' and have been for a little while Learnt that the hard way, drove a few away, then realized how it comes across when a girl I was sorta into did the exact same thing to me.. It just makes things weird in a sense, if you need to talk to someone about struggling to move on, post online, talk to old friends that you're close with about it, or otherwise write your thoughts and feelings out in the form of a letter that you'll never send I personally do the latter because everything you say to someone else will shape how they view you in some way or another, but the thing with dealing with moving on is it's something I need to work on myself, not something for them to have an opinion about that shapes their view of who I am

I'll bear that in mind if I ever do talk to her again. I hope I will since I still talk to a friend of hers every now and then and hopefully we can talk again, of if anything, say a proper "goodbye". If not, it just goes to emphasize my life is going into a downward spiral. The only girl who ever liked me was a neo-nazi for like three months five years ago, I couldn't join the military like the rest of my family so I'm stuck delivering pizzas [I](not saying it's a bad gig but still)[/I] and recently everything's been giving me a non reaction. I just want to make one fine movie and just end it all if it keeps going like this or if I don't have anyone to depend on me or vice versa. Being alone sucks.

Well personally I wouldn't want to listen to anyone talk about someone else about a whole bunch of things that aren't about them. Just seems like a shitty person who is really boring to talk to. Though take that with a grain of salt from me as I don't really care to know about peoples life's. More of a let's talk bizarre nonsense.

Then the next person I talk to with at length, if I find one, I won't bring any of them up.

Hey, so, I've been kind of sad lately, for about a week, because my cat... kind of "ceased to exist", to put it in my mom's words... A week ago, one of my cats ran away as they all usually do. They usually come back, and we always lock them up because we've lost a good number of cats already, probably the most part is due to unknown causes, which they just disappear without trace, and others sadly are very well known causes... I won't go into details because a few kind of make me more depressed and even enrage me from how it happened. Anyway, keeping them locked during the night ensures they stay safe. However, that cat didn't come back. He didn't show up anymore, and me and my parents were already thinking "well, he's done for..." Days after, my mom asked the neighbour if she heard anything in the woods around the houses. We have this bit of florestation around the house, sheltering by day whatever the fuck roams it at night. The neighbour said she heard a noise, and saw a huge fox, carrying something trying to get away. From there on out, we knew what had happened. Killed and apparently, consumed... I've been blocking it out, and just not giving a damn about it. But every so often, the thought comes to mind, be it for no reason or from peting my other cats. It saddens me so much. I remember when he was born, all his bros and his sister, which is still alive, and he was this hissy sob, who changed into a really cuddly compact cat with a smaller tail. He was just a kitten. Just, this cat with his own personality, stealing things with his paw as if it was a hand and getting on his hind legs like a squirel. He was a bit of a cunt every now and then, running away like he did, and he was a bit of a hunter aswell, as he should be I guess... But underneath that, he was Spotty, because he looked like he was wearing white gloves and boots. And now he's just gone. Ripped to pieces, eaten, and digested, like some thoughtless lump of meat with fur... I can't wrap my head around that thought. That the cat I've lived with for I dunno how many years just doesn't even exist anymore. Not even as a corpse... Probably just fucking leftovers because of a piece of shit... I even wonder if the rest of the cats actually miss him and if they ever wonder where he went. If they feel anything about him disappearing. Especially one of them, who took care of him and was like a father to him. When he was ran over by a car, that cat was the only one that came close to him when he was being treated. It just hurts to know that such a thing happened to a cat I held in my arms, fed so many times when I got home, played with... I can't deal with this and I don't want to deal with shit like this. Ever since my first cat died to stray dogs, I said I didn't want any more cats, but they just kept on coming. I don't want to keep feeling this sad, and I need to just forget this happened.

I find very frustrating when someone says their drawing skills is bad (when it's good) although their skills are what I would kill even my family for. Now look at me, I have no skills not anything good to say about myself. I've tried everything and still I come out as a big piece of nothing. I hate it.

It's so hard to sleep right now. These panic attacks and flashbacks from past abuse keep getting worse. I had a really rough episode tonight and I'm just now coming down from it. All the little noises in my home are making me jump right now. It's so hard to talk when loved ones are either away or sleeping. I never want to bother them about these things. I hate it when my boyfriend gets caught up in my panic attacks especially. I hate having him see me like this. I hate that he has to go through it when he deserves better. My heart is racing and I'm afraid of everything around me. this combination of ptsd/depression/anxiety never knows when to stop. I take medicine for my depression now and it works to an extent, it only gets me to the baseline level of normal functioning. but I still feel useless. Lots of things ingrained in my head from growing up. Being bullied for how I looked, I was really overweight, obese.. I'm better now, but the combination of the comments I received as a child about how ugly I was and how useless my old abuser would tell me I was eats away at me inside like a parasite. I feel like I'm nothing. I'm worthless. These thoughts make me so self-conscious to the point where I can't even feel confidence in my own hobbies that I love. If I feel even the slightest bit of negativity from someone, even if they didn't intend to be negative, I feel like they hate me. My mind automatically jumps to the negative when there usually isn't and I feel so dumb because of it. I feel so embarassed for doing the things I do and say and I just wanna give up and hide from everything. I have so many things that I NEED to do but my self-worth is just at zero right now. So many people could do the things I do better, and they do. so many people who can take my place right now if they wanted to. so many people I have to keep up with in my field of work and i always feel like the afterthought/last choice when the other people who are good at what they do are busy. I just want to feel like I have worth. I wanna feel surrounded by people with love but I moved to a state where I have no immediate friends or family besides my boyfriend's friends and family that I barely speak with. I'd speak more to them if I could, but with the anxiety it's just so hard opening up because I'm afraid I'm uninteresting or come off as rude because I'm very protective of myself because I'm scared of interaction. Years of having verbally abusive surroundings as a kid and then having sexual abuse a couple years ago is so fucking hard to live with. I am nothing but fear. I fear going outside. I fear public places even though I'm so far away from the person that's scarred me but my irrational fears, again, keep me from enjoying anything anymore. I have my light-hearted moments at home where I feel safe with my partner, but outside of that I feel so vulnerable, even in a webspace like this. I hate being so scared all the time. I want it to stop. I want the flashbacks to stop. I want the night terrors and panic attacks to stop. Why can't I be a functional human being? I just want to feel valid. I want to feel loved, I know that I'm loved by my partner and my mom, but having a friend's unconditional love is so precious. Just..friends in general. I don't want to be scared anymore. I just want to feel like something other than the last choice for once. All I want is love and safety and to be heard. I want to stop feeling so small. To be useful...To not hurt anybody emotionally because I'm depressed. I want all of this to make sense to everyone I know, but I also don't want to be a burden on them. I have so many wants that I feel like I don't deserve. I feel like I don't deserve peace or happiness. I feel like this is all my fault somehow. I just..don't know. I don't know what to do.

got home way too late yesterday once again. was home by 22:30 when I should have been in bed 21:30 and I never fell asleep either so I broke my promise and did other things instead. suddenly it was 02:00 and still no sleep in sight. I moved my alarm to 08:00 instead of 06:45, but I ignored that and didn't wake up until 11:00. I did actually wake up completely by myself at 06 some time, not sure when, that's kinda cool. I should have grabbed it and just woken up. I'm a little upset by myself. I'm afraid that this one setback will just promote more.

[QUOTE=Handsome Matt;50406964]subjective on the girl - me and my girlfriend talk quite a lot about our exs, doesn't really bother either of us, it's just something that happened in our lives but constantly going on about them on the other hand ehhhHHH[/QUOTE] guess it's a bit different if you have that kinda connection and you're talking about your history with relationships and stuff, context as usual plays a role in these things too, cos yeah different people react differently to certain things, but the way in which the conversation arises and what it entails plays a role in that too my general experience leads me to believe it's just not a great idea to bring up the whole 'having trouble moving on' thing with someone you're not really tight knit with, and definitely as you said, going on about exes all the time... anyway, that's just my opinion based on personal anecdotes, these things should always be played by ear of course as always, my opinion could be completely wrong, other people might have the exact opposite experience with it :P such is life