Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I wish I could be of more help to everyone here. Be more than just text on a screen. I know I'm a nobody, sure, but help comes from the most unlikely of places. I want to pursue my dreams so I can further assist people with mental health. It's just a shame that it'll never be because of the situation(s) I am in. I suppose that's the hand fate had dealt me. I've considered throwing that hand away and being done with this life multiple times, but it'd do nothing. I'd be a dead loser instead of regular loser. Another time, I guess! [QUOTE=Crpto2007;48800292]Feeling really down right now. I'm trying to stay positive that everything will get better soon.[/QUOTE] Sometimes a good night's rest can help balance things out, even for a little bit. I can't assume what time it is for you since no flagdog, but still. [QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;48798484]Sometimes I feel very frustrated. When I look at myself in the mirror I feel like I have nothing to stand for. I look terrible, I'm not doing very well at school, I'm out of shape, while I'm very young people have told me I look older, every single thing I do goes wrong and when I try too look into the bright side there is nothing, even my personality sucks. I have nothing to feel proud about. I'm always scared of talking or writing, I feel like no matter what I say, it's always wrong. I can't talk with anybody, because they won't care, they don't care about me, but my heads wants them to care, my head is like a tamer who just pulls my chain everytime, it tortures me, it makes me live in pain and suffering. Even after reading what I wrote, it just shows how immature I am. It shows I will never be like the bunch of arrogant pricks I have for friends. I cannot think "realistic". I cannot show off and feel all superior because I'm not a genius like them, I cannot be a dick, I refuse to treat other people like shit because after going through hard moments, after knowing what it feels to be treated like shit, the only thing I know is that I would never like to give that feeling to other people. Even if my friends say "You don't want the best for other people, you just want to best for yourself because you're a garbage person". Even if I'm a garbage person as they say, at the least I try to do my best. Efforts matter, even if they say effort is not the same has being successful at something, effort matters for me, because it means there is an intention, there is a reason. I think I'd better find friends or be alone. I live in hell and I'm not gonna sit down and die with a bunch of pricks who I call friends who obviously are way too realistic to have any hopes or dream in their boring ass lives. Whenever I try to explain them how bad I feel for the things I go through, they just go like "that's nothing, I have gone through X". It's not a contest, I'm not trying to shove my pain and say "Look, I suffer more than you". I just want to be understood and that's it, I don't want to be told my problems are nothing because other dude apparently has it worse. I believe the reason I never killed myself is because while I might not be able to understand other people and I'm not a social butterfly neither a genius, fit or some kind of model-tier looking dude and I'm struggling with money plus I'm not into sports at all or play any instrument, at the least I understand, to certain extent, myself, and that's enough to solve myself. The only noticeable skill people have told me I have is talking to large numbers of people, my voice is strong and it can be heard. It's ironic how I have managed to talk to large numbers of people and catch everyone's attention, but when I try to talk in a normal conversation I feel ignored.[/QUOTE] Kind of like looking into a mirror here. In any case, sometimes starting with small changes about yourself can have a large impact. You say you're out of shape, which can be a large contributor to how you're feeling. I'd advise finding some time within the day and running around your area or using a treadmill, exercise a bit. Eustress is fun to have, makes you feel a lot better. You also mention your voice and your ability to speak to large numbers. You can easily turn that into a strength. Public speaking, conferences, acting, those would make perfect use of such an ability. I'm not assuming you aren't/haven't already. Small things can snowball, it just takes time and the willingness to change. [QUOTE=PredGD;48797699]the staff at the new hospital are starting to worry, saying that I'm bordering another psychotic break. I don't feel ill at all, or sure, I have a few issues but it doesn't feel like a psychotic issue. they want to put me on Solian, not sure how much yet but they claim it's gonna be a small dose. really hesitant, don't want to take any medication. especially when I don't think I suffer from schizophrenia or any psychotic issues. another thing that is bothering me is that it's a second generation anti-psychotic, standing along stuff like Abilify and Zyprexa (the latter turning me into a literal zombie, I could sleep an entire day and still sleep the entire following night. I was pretty much constantly asleep) which I've had negative experiences with. I took a walk down to the store about 1 hour and 30 mins ago which got me thinking. I don't feel ill (psychosis or schizo related), just a little non-functioning. everyone around me however are telling me I'm schizophrenic, that I'm bordering a psychotic break, that I'm very ill. I've felt misdiagnosed since day one, I never believed I was schizophrenic but everyone tells me I am and I know it's typical for the affected to not believe it. it's an odd situation since everyone tells me I should follow what I feel myself, not listen to what professionals say since only I know myself properly, but at the same time I'm being told that it's normal to refuse to accept that you're ill and that I should listen to them regarding this. they say it's easy to just stop taking anti-psychotics, but that's not really the issue. I can easily stop taking them, I'm the kind of guy who can go cold turkey and survive the withdrawal (unless it's something I don't want to quit, like Pepsi and its caffeine), the issue is the lasting effects these anti-psychotics have. I don't think there are too many lasting effects, or any at all except for one: weight gain. I gained about 10 pounds when I was put on Abilify and Zyprexa which I haven't been able to lose. I'm way above my comfortable weight limit, I can't take gaining any more. I think I'm going to refuse to take any medication. I was able to slip away today, they wanted to put me on it as early as today but I managed to postpone it. new meeting on Friday where they want to put me on it again. what I really hate and think is a big dick move from their side is that they're trying to scare me into getting medicated. saying shit like I'll be put in a forced hospital as soon as I get more ill, that it'll destroy my brain forever if left untreated, that I'll be put in a permanent psychotic state, etc. I really doubt that any of this is going to happen to be honest, just sounds like scare tactics to get me into trying meds. [editline]30th September 2015[/editline] I really think they think that I'm more ill than I actually am.[/QUOTE] This seems more complicated than anything I've experienced. Those that suffer mental illness' that one can't physically witness (things like motor function retardation or speech center impairment) sometimes don't know it, unless they have periods of elevated thought processing (such as those with dementia of alzheimer's victims or those affected by Korsakoff's Syndrome) and realize things are off, but otherwise don't notice it all too well. If you're truly schizophrenic but you don't believe it, I'd advise you to pursue a second opinion; get another doctor to diagnose you. See if they also come to the same conclusion. Refusing medication is your right, of course, unless you sign some waiver saying they can force feed you that shit, but that's unethical and probably only necessary if you're criminally insane. Again, it's your right, but understand the consequences of not doing so if the diagnoses prove true. I can't do much outside of advising. I can only hope things improve for you soon.

[media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q87e6zNRJ3s[/media] This guy nailed everything about my mind, I want to see if it hits you guys just as hard. He later overdosed and died at the age of 23. Very sad story, but the guy was a genius. I remember showing this to my ex-girlfriend and she cried cause it hit her with a massive relatable force... Good times.

a few hours ago I came home from my very last meeting with my contacts at the previous hospital. we went out to eat sushi. it was so refreshing to feel safe again, to be comfortable around someone. it was really nice to see them again. we spoke of the most memorable memories we've had at the hospital at one point, was nice to talk about. I had a good time. when we left, I started feeling a little off. usually we'd drive back to the old hospital I used to live at, but we didn't as obviously I don't live there anymore. it felt so odd. it didn't feel right. we got back to the new hospital and went on with our farewells. got a hug from them both, but as they walked back to the car and I stood there, I broke down crying. it felt so odd knowing I'd probably never see them again, they're the closest I've had to friends in so long. they spoke some more with me before leaving since I started crying, but of course they had to leave. for 30 minutes afterwards I was crying on and off, not as much as I initially did but it was there. I feel terrible still, lonely. I feel the tears building up when writing about this, I wish I knew them outside of the hospital so I wouldn't have to say goodbye. I've had so many good memories with these people, I managed to get fairly attached to them. I had a great year with them, I'm so sad it had to end. these feelings make me want to isolate myself, it just further reinforces my idea that isolation is a good thing. of course I can sort of see why it's not ideal as my functioning will be lower, I won't have friends / a SO, and I'll never have any memories I can share with others. though this idea that everyone will eventually leave you is burned into my head and I don't want to experience losing anyone else. it's just too hard for me. I'd rather be lonely than to experience the immense pain caused by losing someone.

Thanks for the advice guys. Last time I wrote that I decided to have a talk with my older brother. At first it seemed like a difficult task since my relationship with my brother can sometimes be a hit or miss (sometimes we get along, sometimes we don't). I have never been a bad grades guy. I was a very good student in high school, but now I think I might have been way too confident and now I'm not doing so well. My brother just asked me "Well, having goals is important, [B]what do you want to do?[/B]" The question kinda hit me because it was the first time my brother seemed to care about what I wanted to do in the future, it wasn't an order, it was my decision. After talking for a while he told me about when he started college, at some point he thought about dropping out, but he didn't, he said having a goal is what kept him there. I do have goals, but if there is a thing I know is that I get frustrated easily, patience is certainly something I have to work on. I tend to punish myself too much for doing bad and I have a hard time forgetting when people do things against me, my brother just says I shouldn't keep carrying that everywhere, it's not healthy. One of my friends told me something about the problems I have with people, well he just said: "Other people's opinion shouldn't matter to you, but if anything, people see what is shown, if you only show the negative aspects of you, then that's what people are gonna see, so you gotta change your attitude". I'm gonna follow their advice. I can work with changing my attitude first.

I'm such a fucking idiot I threw up blood all over my new carpet

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;48807072]I'm such a fucking idiot I threw up blood all over my new carpet[/QUOTE] Please seek medical attention immediately :c

Today and yesterday have had me doing a lot better. My hives have cleared up again and though my skin is still a little splotchy because I had so many in such a short amount of time, it's not very noticeable. But I've been sleeping a lot better the last two nights, haven't had feelings of despair or if I have, they're very sparse and far between. I'm still a little upset about the whole lab losing my blood work thing and I'll have to go get that done once I get the paperwork, but I'm not feeling terrible so the wait hopefully won't be so bad. My parents are super religious and though I can't really say I'm anywhere near the same level as them, they've sort of pushed a whole "family prayer every night" thing because I both me and my sister have told them we're struggling. I don't take a lot of stock into prayer or whatever but I think just knowing they care is helping. It's not a huge inconvenience for me to go along with what they want me to do. Just another thing. My mom also bought me this uh. It's like a self-help book but very God-related. And though I'm not sure how much it'll help, I'd sorta feel bad if I didn't read it so I'm just reading a chapter every night to see if there's anything handy like coping methods or something. It's very Jesus-y tho. But oh well. Again, it's not a huge imposition for me to read it. She also gave me a little journal to write stuff in which is kind of what I use my blog for? But I guess she wants me to write it down and stuff. So far I've doodled a bunch of stuff in it lol but I'm writing some small things here and there. I know religion isn't the thing that's gonna fix my problems because I've drifted from it a lot, but I guess it makes me feel good that they care enough to try and help me in their own way. And it doesn't hurt me to just give these things a look over to make sure they know I'm trying to get better. Also I got a hair cut and I think the "change of pace" kind of helped too. I'm hoping I can keep on that upward curve. I have another therapy appointment on Tuesday though so we'll see how that goes!

feeling pretty lost. I have no thoughts, plans, dreams, or hopes. I don't know what I want. I don't really care if I remain sick, I just don't want to be put in uncomfortable situations. it kinda sucks at the same time, I want to have a drive. right now all I really do is satisfy needs as they pop up. I think I mentioned this previously as well. I'm really prone to doing things I think I'd never do, but when I feel like doing it I just do it anyway. I remember saying "I'd never steal from my roommates because I wouldn't want it to happen to me" and I still think that way, but suddenly I just want it so I just do it. I'm not stealing big things like laptops, money, etc, as people would notice and I don't have the heart, I'm talking about small things like their food, drinks, "borrowing" stuff without asking, etc. it's not really serious, but it's pretty violating of me to enter their private rooms I feel and just take stuff. I'm just a big impulse. want to play a game but have responsibilities? play game, more fun. want to eat but know I'll get fat / unhealthy? whatever, eating will reward me faster than waiting for the weight to go. don't really have money to buy luxuries like drugs, clothes, games, gadgets, etc since I won't be able to afford food / rent? I'll just leech off of my family or my roommates, no big deal. should sleep? more entertaining to stay awake. then afterwards I feel really bad since I do things I shouldn't, but I'm not able to think that when my needs pop up. I'm incapable of thinking into the future and what consequences my actions can have. of course I'm aware there will be consequences, but I just lack the ability to really care when it happens. sometimes I feel like an animal. they don't really think about consequences, their future, their body, their relations, etc, they just satisfy needs when they arise.

[QUOTE=PredGD;48812705]feeling pretty lost. I have no thoughts, plans, dreams, or hopes. I don't know what I want. I don't really care if I remain sick, I just don't want to be put in uncomfortable situations. it kinda sucks at the same time, I want to have a drive. right now all I really do is satisfy needs as they pop up. I think I mentioned this previously as well. I'm really prone to doing things I think I'd never do, but when I feel like doing it I just do it anyway. I remember saying "I'd never steal from my roommates because I wouldn't want it to happen to me" and I still think that way, but suddenly I just want it so I just do it. I'm not stealing big things like laptops, money, etc, as people would notice and I don't have the heart, I'm talking about small things like their food, drinks, "borrowing" stuff without asking, etc. it's not really serious, but it's pretty violating of me to enter their private rooms I feel and just take stuff. I'm just a big impulse. want to play a game but have responsibilities? play game, more fun. want to eat but know I'll get fat / unhealthy? whatever, eating will reward me faster than waiting for the weight to go. don't really have money to buy luxuries like drugs, clothes, games, gadgets, etc since I won't be able to afford food / rent? I'll just leech off of my family or my roommates, no big deal. should sleep? more entertaining to stay awake. then afterwards I feel really bad since I do things I shouldn't, but I'm not able to think that when my needs pop up. I'm incapable of thinking into the future and what consequences my actions can have. of course I'm aware there will be consequences, but I just lack the ability to really care when it happens. sometimes I feel like an animal. they don't really think about consequences, their future, their body, their relations, etc, they just satisfy needs when they arise.[/QUOTE] I find myself doing the same thing. I need to start eating healthy and exercising, and I've even done that before and know that I'll feel like a million bucks after I work out and have a nice crunchy tasty salad, but when I've just gotten out of class at 11am and am starving my ass off, absolutely nothing sounds better than a greasy cheeseburger, some fries, and a couple hours of sitting on my ass browsing the internet. If you know anyone that is looking to work out or is already working out, form an exercise group/duo and just tag along whenever they go. Going with friends got me exercising real quick, and really helped my motivation because I was also being social with it, and was part of a group. I know that it's really hard to motivate yourself to do things that will make you happier in the long run because I do the exact same thing. I have no idea why it's so hard to do.

i feel like the past few weeks i can only feel happy when im either drinking alcohol or using painkillers i simply cannot function properly at school or out of school anymore

Have a diagnosis of schizophrenia - mostly came from binging on MDMA a couple years ago. Exercising every day makes it no where near as bad. It's actually manageable for once. Very few hallucinations. I feel like I've finally conquered it. Exercise, guys. It makes everything so much better.

[QUOTE=Creid;48817827]Have a diagnosis of schizophrenia - mostly came from binging on MDMA a couple years ago. Exercising every day makes it no where near as bad. It's actually manageable for once. Very few hallucinations. I feel like I've finally conquered it. Exercise, guys. It makes everything so much better.[/QUOTE] This is fantastic to hear! I'm glad you're making a recovery c: [QUOTE=G-foxisus;48816705]i feel like the past few weeks i can only feel happy when im either drinking alcohol or using painkillers i simply cannot function properly at school or out of school anymore[/QUOTE] Addiction is slowly destroying you. I'd advise seeking some assistance in some manner. Your body has come to depend on the substances.

Oh Balls, my best friend in college is going through pretty much the same situation as me, but a week behind me, so I'm helping her out through her troubles, in a weird way it's a good spot of timing as by helping her through it i might be able to help myself.

I hope my psychiatrist approves my increase in dosage that I approved for myself

[QUOTE=G-foxisus;48816705]i feel like the past few weeks i can only feel happy when im either drinking alcohol or using painkillers i simply cannot function properly at school or out of school anymore[/QUOTE] I drink a lot also because i like the way it makes me feel, I have cut down on it though. It helps me forget stuff i don't want to think about.

Other than a therapist's office or behind the pseudo-anonymity of the internet, I feel like I can't talk about what is happening inside my head. I feel like it's not allowed, like it's dirty and wrong and it needs to stay in my head. It's not a nice feeling.

I give up at the slightest hint of difficulty and the fact that I realize this is true makes me feel even worse and want to try even less.

The only thing I've done is fail at everything I've attempted to do this year. So I'm 99% certain my brain is wired to fuck me up. Why is any hard work I do a complete and utter waste of time. Why can't I succeed at anything! :blaze: Try your best my ass, more like don't attempt it unless you were born with talent. I'm sure everyone on this forum is more successful at whatever they do for money than me. Most of you will probably make your 6 figure wages and come home to your partners, mean while I keeping trying to do things everyone else succeeds at and fail at everything. What the fuck is the point in hard work if you achieve nothing? I'd do the world a favour and kill myself but I'm afraid of death, deal with it world.

[QUOTE=TIIIN MAAAN;48820511]I hope my psychiatrist approves my increase in dosage that I approved for myself[/QUOTE] Depends on the medicine but you really should ask for an increase and say why before you do it yourself or else it's abuse and self medication and he/she might take you off of them if they think you're endangering yourself by doing so. [editline]October 4th, 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;48824505]Other than a therapist's office or behind the pseudo-anonymity of the internet, I feel like I can't talk about what is happening inside my head. I feel like it's not allowed, like it's dirty and wrong and it needs to stay in my head. It's not a nice feeling.[/QUOTE] It's really not at all wrong. I had that feeling when I first started therapy. Just make sure you can get on that level with a friend before you start talking about it. Say like "so something's been bothering me.." or "you know (and I hope it's not too personal that I say this) but I feel like.." or something like that. Not necessarily word for word but something along those lines. Talking about your problems with people in person makes you form some great connections and make those friends much more long term. [editline]October 4th, 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;48825979]The only thing I've done is fail at everything I've attempted to do this year. So I'm 99% certain my brain is wired to fuck me up. Why is any hard work I do a complete and utter waste of time. Why can't I succeed at anything! :blaze: Try your best my ass, more like don't attempt it unless you were born with talent. I'm sure everyone on this forum is more successful at whatever they do for money than me. Most of you will probably make your 6 figure wages and come home to your partners, mean while I keeping trying to do things everyone else succeeds at and fail at everything. What the fuck is the point in hard work if you achieve nothing? [/QUOTE] I watched a YouTube video recently where one of the people said that if you just try (and it doesn't have to be much) even 1% more in everything you do in life, as in just make that little bit of extra effort, you will notice massive changes in whatever it is you apply it to. I found this to be very true. Ever since I've put in the extra 1% and gotten myself down to the exercise place on campus every morning, my life has improved massively. I'm losing weight that I gained from my medication and being home and bored without internet for a year, and I'm making my mental illness much, much more manageable. [editline]October 4th, 2015[/editline] I'm really liking this thread. I think I'm going to stick around.

Woke up at like lunch after the most depressing nightmare I think I've had, wanted to get up but was too tired and brainhazed to get the dream out of my thoughts so I just had no motivation to get up and ended up lying in bed going in and out of sleep until about six pm.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48826598]Woke up at like lunch after the most depressing nightmare I think I've had, wanted to get up but was too tired and brainhazed to get the dream out of my thoughts so I just had no motivation to get up and ended up lying in bed going in and out of sleep until about six pm.[/QUOTE] Do you remember the dream? I'd like to hear it. You don't have to, if you don't want to like relive it or remember it or anything.

[QUOTE=Creid;48826616]Do you remember the dream? I'd like to hear it. You don't have to, if you don't want to like relive it or remember it or anything.[/QUOTE] I don't really wanna talk about it and thankfully I'm forgetting more and more of it after I've woken up, but it was like everything bad that I had ever worried would happen all happened and in the less than conscious state I was in I lost the will to live it was horrible

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48826635]I don't really wanna talk about it and thankfully I'm forgetting more and more of it after I've woken up, but it was like everything bad that I had ever worried would happen all happened and in the less than conscious state I was in I lost the will to live it was horrible[/QUOTE] That sounds dreadful. I hope that never happens to you again. Sometimes I have dreams where people just treat me horribly and then I wake up and feel really shitty and unwanted.

Well, helping my friend is sort of helping me, I think, I can't quite tell as I'm still numb to the whole ordeal. But at least I've been able to give her advice about looking after herself even though she doesn't want to, with stuff like eating etc, which I went through much the same, took me about 4-5 days to start eating again

It's been a while. I was preparing myself for my first Apprenticeship interview (and not a telephone interview!), and then this happens: [img]http://imgur.com/m5eWRP1[/img] In a nutshell, I've had a rumour spread about me, and it's cost my friendship. I've been at home all this time, having seen no one, and now I may have discovered why I was 'ghosted' by my previous partner. A rumour. A rumour that I slept with someone other than the person I would have (and still have) waited for. A rumour that has now cost me a potential friendship with the closest buddy I have had since Secondary School because I was freaking out about my feelings and the betrayal. Instead, I've been character assassinated by people I thought were 'friends'. People who I counted upon, people who I trusted. I feel like I'm boiling alive, and there's no one around to help (and I can't talk to my parents , because I know they'll react horribly). I am literally scared for myself, and I don't know who to go to because they might be in on it.

If you lose a friend because of a rumour like that without them even asking you about it then they probably weren't worth having as a friend in the first place. Don't be scared - while I know it sucks right now, social stuff like this always works itself out in the end.

[QUOTE=Alex Rider;48828009]It's been a while. I was preparing myself for my first Apprenticeship interview (and not a telephone interview!), and then this happens: [img]http://i.imgur.com/m5eWRP1.jpg[/img] In a nutshell, I've had a rumour spread about me, and it's cost my friendship. I've been at home all this time, having seen no one, and now I may have discovered why I was 'ghosted' by my previous partner. A rumour. A rumour that I slept with someone other than the person I would have (and still have) waited for. A rumour that has now cost me a potential friendship with the closest buddy I have had since Secondary School because I was freaking out about my feelings and the betrayal. Instead, I've been character assassinated by people I thought were 'friends'. People who I counted upon, people who I trusted. I feel like I'm boiling alive, and there's no one around to help (and I can't talk to my parents , because I know they'll react horribly). I am literally scared for myself, and I don't know who to go to because they might be in on it.[/QUOTE] Congrats on the interview! That sounds really crummy for someone to do. Can you confront the people affected by this in order to try and dispel the rumor or has it propagated too long to do anything about. The faster you nip this in the bud, the better. If they're unconsoleable and really believe the rumor over you, then, as Freeze put it, they really aren't as good a friend as you thought.

I get nothing but problems from these forums anymore. My life has seriously gone downhill solely because of my addiction with the site, because I often just get depressed & anxious from the community. But it has also taught me a lot about myself, and this is the only site where I feel at home because I feel like people know me here. So if I left, I would feel like an outsider. I guess I just need to learn to cut down and avoid posting.

[QUOTE=Talvy;48829064]I get nothing but problems from these forums anymore. My life has seriously gone downhill solely because of my addiction with the site, because I often just get depressed & anxious from the community. But it has also taught me a lot about myself, and this is the only site where I feel at home because I feel like people know me here. So if I left, I would feel like an outsider. I guess I just need to learn to cut down and avoid posting.[/QUOTE] It's probably pretty hard to learn self-control, but that's just the thing. You have to control when you go on this site, and do other things in the meantime. I always check the newest posts, then go and play Skyrim or listen to music or something, for example.

Sometimes I feel like either hating various people for no good reason why, or myself. It's 4am and I feel like the only thing to do is go over my past failures and holes dug into or cringeworthy moments, or to get angry with somebody else even if they have done nothing to me