Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;50429742]Well, you shouldn't be afraid to ask for help. I don't think you have any sort of mental problems to be honest. I feel that your parents just pushed you around for so long and took the floor right from under your feet so much that you became seriously insecure about facing the world on your own. And I think that's where your anxiety comes from. Which means you need to get the hell out of there asap. It's pretty much a never ending cycle of abuse and manipulation. Your parents seem to make you feel like you're losing your mind all the time. Acting like they know better. Like you don't know what you're doing and that everything you do is wrong. You actually got to subconsciously believe in this and in doubting yourself making you feel emotionally dependent in them. So every time you make a decision it's either feeling terribly insecure about doing things on your own. You feel that nothing's worth fighting for anymore because the world will just bring you down. Or consulting your parents for help because you dread the things that are out there. You dread facing reality on your own without someone to guide you and be there for you. And you know you're fucked if you take either path. I think the biggest challenge for you right now is to break that chain and become immune to your parent's judgement. You need to know one thing. You're worth it and you're actually better than them. Also, you need to take their name out of any bank account you have. Don't let them put their hands on your money, nor anything that is yours. Mark your place. It's very likely that they're just bluffing when they threat to kick you out of you don't do what they say. So make them feel guilty, talk back. Tell them "you're kicking out your own daughter instead of helping" - fight back. Also, about finding a place to stay. Look, don't be afraid to ask for help ever. Don't ever think that by doing so you'll be just a burden to someone. That's your parents speaking in the back of your head. If someone says it's ok to stay, don't feel bad about accepting that help. You deserve it. And you sound like someone responsible enough to not be a burden if sharing a place with someone while you make enough money to go somewhere else. But yeah, I think you pretty much know what do do. I think you'll be fine at your friend's place. Maybe it'll clear your mind a bit to be out of that toxic environment and things become more clear. Personally, when I spend a fair amount of time away from my parent's home I feel like I can do anything. All I gotta say is, Good luck. Keep us posted on your situation. You'll make it.[/QUOTE] Thank you. This opened my eyes. When I get to my father's house, I plan on closing my bank account and opening a new one. My family has agreed to let me stay at my dad's place until I get a job. So to be honest I have a feeling it will run smoothly for like, a month or two, and then it will go right back to them toying with me and kicking me out. As it usually goes... So I'm going to take advantage of them letting me stay there, maybe I'll try to get another job and pool together more money. Even though I can't stand them telling me I'm too thin, I can always control my weight. They have no control over that, and I know the ways they try to control it (by encouraging me to eat more, giving me larger portions and guilt tripping me to eating more, or offering to take me out to eat and telling me to stop eating the salad, talking to my doctor behind my back and using "false concern") I mean, If things look bad, my father's place is close to public transportation so I can just hop on the train and go to the airport and get out that way.

I think it is always important to be aware of who is there for you, who has supported you, and above all, who has stuck by you through it all and encouraged positivity in your life. It is so important to thank those people, and it is important that you get rid of those that were negative asap before it's too late :/

realized i can't remember the last time i remembered i was happy.

my dog may be gettin dementia or going blind.

[QUOTE=Dayzofwinter;50433948]my dog may be gettin dementia or going blind.[/QUOTE] they'll never stop loving you though

I was so nervous, but today actually went really well :). I realised a few things, and I believe I will definitely get through this. People who have lost me, they have lost big time because not only am I back to myself, but I will also be even better. Peace out xD

[QUOTE=_jesterk;50433800]realized i can't remember the last time i remembered i was happy.[/QUOTE] I can't remember either. its been a long time

fucking FUCK I hate this shit My mind is so delusional sometimes I can't even begin to comprehend that I just want to act on what I fucking want, because as soon as I start seeing what it is I fucking want, the very essence of 'being yourself' and being happy, I start thinking I don't want it or it's not worth it or i'm not good enough or some other god damned dumb shit i'm so fucking annoyed at my self right now, i've been doing this same fucking self-limiting, conditional grasping bullshit for so god damned long that I'm too god damned weak to even see through it most of the time, right now i'm seeing it exactly as it is and, despite this, I still can't seem to fucking pull my head in and act on it, a million and one thoughts flying around pulling me off of the one central idea of what I wanna go for at any given point in time, making me feel worthless and useless, as if there's no purpose to any of it starting to realize the purpose isn't something out side of what it is, it's the core of it all, the rest is delusion that makes it seem meaningless and fruitless, it's the layers of distraction, excuses, self-loathing the maladaptive pathways of thought, the habituated behaviors of self-sabotage despite knowing that, it's like my brain just filters that core inner voice out, it's too quiet, I can barely hear it beneath the layers and layers of bullshit that are stacked on top of it that is the baggage of the psyche, what I need to 'let go' of, But fucking christ i'm struggling to just maintain and continue without it all weighing me back down again almost as soon as I start to see shit clearly I saw the light for the second time in my life a few days ago, the first time was a very brief and sudden moment of clarity a few months ago, this time, it stuck around for a day or two, but i've let the darkness creep in again, I'll literally think to myself, for example "I want to talk with this person because I'm interested in them, but I don't want to be a burden on other people and talk to them out of feeling lonely, I doubt that person will want to talk to me anyway, it's just because i'm attracted to them, I shouldn't be attracted to them, I should just go find a way to be happy alone by avoiding the fact that I want to talk to them, I should just play games, or watch tv, or browse the internet to justify my struggles, now I just feel like shit so it's no use because they probably only want to talk to positive people, i'm worthless to them" where is the logic in any of that sorta thinking like the answer to solving the very thing that causes me to think that way is literally right fucking there, yet acting on it proves to be increasingly beyond me, let alone even being able to tune into the core of it in the first place I don't know if it's anxiety or depression, but for whatever reason, the core of 'what I want' gets so deluded before I even realize it that sooner or later, it leads me into a state of depression i'll be fine, but what the hell even is the human brain I can see the little nugget of truth in the core, but it's just vines and vines of dysfunctional patterns of behavior, trying to grow a new, functional tree of behavior that is fruitful instead of poisonous is proving to be truly difficult it feels like insanity because no matter how dead obvious it is, I can't seem to just... grasp it and get over it sorry for the rant just jesus fuck this is getting tedious and doing my head in

Meh, I don't think I will make any more videos for my YouTube channel. I thought maybe I would be able to help other people (even if it's just one person) when it comes to talking about my own experiences and coping mechanisms etc. with mental health, but my channel is just not going anywhere, even after 4 and a half years. I may as well close that chapter in my life and move onto new things, even though I don't know where to start :v: I'm feeling pretty neutral about it. Not sad or anything, but yeah. I think it's about time I create a new channel, making content I genuinely enjoy and love whilst being myself instead of hiding beneath a mask, and focus on myself.

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;50442428]Meh, I don't think I will make any more videos for my YouTube channel. I thought maybe I would be able to help other people (even if it's just one person) when it comes to talking about my own experiences and coping mechanisms etc. with mental health, but my channel is just not going anywhere, even after 4 and a half years. I may as well close that chapter in my life and move onto new things, even though I don't know where to start :v: I'm feeling pretty neutral about it. Not sad or anything, but yeah. I think it's about time I create a new channel, making content I genuinely enjoy and love whilst being myself instead of hiding beneath a mask, and focus on myself.[/QUOTE] definitely make content that you want to make as opposed to trying to help others, it may sound like a pessimistic thing "don't bother helping others", but sometimes the best thing is to lead by example so to speak, if you make a channel where you follow your inner drive in terms of content you want to create that doesn't focus on the whole helping others thing, and it kicks off, you can then later use it to help others when you have an audience, instead of trying to help others before you've even helped yourself to some success you might even learn some new things along the way to better help those who decide to tune in, which effectively, could be more helpful in the long run

I need to find a job within a month so that I can have an excuse not to go back up to Lofsdalen to work. My mom is super tired of me because I'm not doing shit at home, just being depressed, so to her me leaving for two months to work and make my own money and not be a burden is a great thing - but I really really don't wanna go and it's killing me, so I have to find another job otherwise I'm just saying no for no reason. Life feels grimmer than it has in years.

I have really delusional thoughts that make me depressed. I would like to go to a psychiatrist and I am 16. Is there any way I could bypass parents and just get help on my own?

[QUOTE=morky;50444546]I have really delusional thoughts that make me depressed. I would like to go to a psychiatrist and I am 16. Is there any way I could bypass parents and just get help on my own?[/QUOTE] Unless you are in the genius zone, you're most likely not gonna get anywhere doing it yourself. Even then you still need some sort of social end due to being wired to be social. Well that solves that I don't know of any old stuff on the feelings end that still needs to be dealt with after those long years of being numb.

I need a reason not to leave what I have right now. I love my girl and everyone says my life is great leading them to expect so much out of me. I should be happy, but I'm not. I try to be, but I always come back to feeling that I can't get what I want out of life here. It seems I can't find happiness without realizing that every time I smile at her I actually want to vanish and be left forgotten.

hadn't had any breakdowns for a few months so I guess it was about time for one. took a few hours to get over it. funny how it only ends when I push it out of my mind rather than resolving it or something. noticed today that I actually block some thoughts unconsciously. like if a thing I've been avoiding enters my mind I can even have a physical reaction like rapidly turning my head away as if to avert my eyes or something, if I'm alone I might even vocalize or slap myself in the face. it's strange I've never realized I do this before. it's pretty much a reflex. it's only one thought that it really happens with too. now I feel like an autist.

Done with it. Done with everything, done with everyone. I'm just fucking done. EDIT: Today I did a shitty job at work, had to deal with my mother throwing shit around the house, and got told off by my friend group. It's all my fucking fault.

"It's all in your head." WELL-FUCKING-DONE. THAT'S WHERE MY BRAIN IS. :goodjob: :v:

I want to die. [sp]People online ask me why I'm always so sad/depressed. Most of the time I just reply with "Why not?" and move along. I haven't really told this to many people (and the ones I did tell it to really didn't give a shit), but I guess now I'm telling a bunch of random strangers on the internet about it now. Might as well, I don't have much to lose anymore. My girlfriend committed suicide and now I'm alone. I hate myself. I can't do anything right. I'm sorry. I'm a failure. I push everyone away, yet I'm always seeking for attention. I'm sick in the head and think of horrible things (which I definitely will not go into detail with). I stress myself over everything, and I get upset about everything. I'm the most selfish person I've met. I've cut many times. Oh well. I have nothing more to say.[/sp]

a wasp got into my apartment today. i was so frightened i stayed in my bedroom for ~4 hours until my mother arrived to tell me that it seemingly escaped. i'm still shaken up to the point where i still can't go into my kitchen where i spotted it.

[QUOTE=Qaus;50454043]a wasp got into my apartment today. i was so frightened i stayed in my bedroom for ~4 hours until my mother arrived to tell me that it seemingly escaped. i'm still shaken up to the point where i still can't go into my kitchen where i spotted it.[/QUOTE] A wasp is a breed of bee, right? Are you allergic to them?

[QUOTE=Linkuya;50454052]A wasp is a breed of bee, right? Are you allergic to them?[/QUOTE] I don't know and I don't want to find out. My fear of honey bees and bumble bees is inconsequential, but basically anything else that stings and flies scares the everloving shit out of me. I would much prefer to encounter this wasp outdoors where it can easily lose sight of me running away, but when inside my apartment confined by walls, windows, and a ceiling it might as well be a cage boxing match I never agreed to.

So that girl started talking to me again, she was just really bugged I was still talking about my ex. I gotta stop.

Alright I'm gonna type a bunch of shit here so bear with me because nobody else I know can help me and google has nothing but clickbait to show me in terms of advice. I've reached a brick wall in my life. I have 3 major problems that are all seemingly insurmountable for me. It keeps me up at night worrying and does nothing but contribute to my pre-existing depression. 1. [b]Health[/b] - I suffer from a disease called [url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ankylosing_spondylitis]Ankylosing Spondylitis[/url]. The long and short of how this disease affects me is that even with the [url=https://www.humira.com/ankylosing-spondylitis]painful injection treatment[/url] that I will endure for the rest of my life, at best I can stand or perform physical activity for 2 hours a day. Longer than that causes intense soreness and fatigue. It is ruining my life and I live in constant pain and fear of how it will only get worse. The medicine I take to "control" the symptoms makes me significantly more vulnerable to cancer than other people, which is another cause of stress and fear for me as I am already terrified of being elderly, alone, and even more disabled. 2. [b]Income[/b] - Because of my condition, I cannot work at my job taking orders at a cash register for more than 2 hours, 3 at the most, per day. My boss has been very generous allowing me to effectively waste a slot in their employment lineup so that I can afford to live. I make roughly $200 a paycheck. I cannot find any other form of gainful employment elsewhere as the jobs I see in the newspaper, on craigslist, looking around, etc. either demand full time physical activity or require years of experience which I do not have as I have only graduated high school. I never got to attend college because I was diagnosed shortly after graduation. I am also about $2000 in debt to the physical rehabilitation clinic that helped me recover from my other crippling disability, [url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adhesive_capsulitis_of_shoulder]Adhesive Capsulitis.[/url] I have no passion or ambition for any type of realistic career. People tell me I should be an actor or a comedian, but it's just empty conversation. I don't have the skill, the talent, the money, or the luck to do any of those things. Making people laugh and making them smile usually does make me feel better, but I know that being a comedian or a voice over guy or having a YouTube channel or something is a fool's dream. For every person who succeeds at these things a million more fail miserably and retire to a job they hate - if they're lucky. As an aside, I've tried applying for disability. They say I do not have enough work credits and that my horrifically painful and debilitating disease isn't "severe enough". 3. [b]Social Interaction[/b] - This one will probably be really sad and cringey to read. I have been single for about 2 years since my last girlfriend dumped me for someone she was probably seeing behind my back. Ever since then I've repeatedly woke in a cold sweat at night because I was dreaming about how I missed our relationship together and how easily I was tossed aside. Our mutual friends have all abandoned me likely based on her suggestion. I have not heard from most of them since then. What few friends I had that were not in that group of people have moved away to pursue their lives, leaving me alone in this small town in West Texas. The mere mention of my ex-girlfriend, her new[sp]husband...[/sp], or our time together instantly breaks my confidence for several days. The combination of being poor, crippled, and passionless has completely killed my ability to meet and interact with women. I want to move past the pain of my former relationships but it feels like anything and everything is standing in my way. I've always tried to be a modest person so believe me when I say I do not know if [url=https://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13330927_1011712125578471_4370191334595476069_n.jpg?oh=0fd12bb1c053d576ff78caae7d16e9ec&oe=57CFA920]I am legitimately just not attractive enough[/url] to successfully charm another person or if it's all of the above working against me. I've tried striking up conversations at work and in public, I've tried all manner of dating sites and apps, I've tried going to conventions, going to concerts, going to bookstores, to coffee shops, to the mall, it never makes a difference. Not only can I not find any women who are attracted to me, but I know that even if I did it wouldn't last long. Whether they'd find somebody better or we'd just have nothing to talk about because we don't share interests, it'd be over soon. I'm just so sick and tired of being lonely and having nobody to talk to about anything beyond small talk with co-workers. I'm really casting aside my pride typing this whole sad-sack sob story here. I've languished in my own pity and sadness for so long that it's making me sick to think about it. I'm not asking for a miracle, I'd just like someone to give me some kind of realistic advice that isn't "Buy my book! Convert to Buddhism! Accept that you're shit!". I don't know what to do anymore.

Everybody is attractive in their own way tbh. You just need to keep looking for the woman that really clicks with you. You might get rejected here and there but hey dude that's how life works. You just gotta persist and keep trying again and again until you succeed.

I assume the dude who posted above hasn't seen you, because honestly you're really attractive. You've got that perfect mix between a boyish first glance and a manly, defined face. I don't believe for a second that women don't find you attractive, so I think it's something other than your looks. Maybe because you feel the way you do, you don't allow yourself to have fun and therefor you haven't found a girl who wants to stick around? Or maybe you've just been unfortunate enough to not have met anyone you'd fit with? We all have issues, and as for you, I wish the welfare in the US was better because nobody should have to live like that or rather have to struggle to live despite of it. Going after a career as a comedian, youtuber or voice over is NOT just a pitch into the wind, you don't sound at all as if you "don't have the talent/skill/whatever" to do it, it requires dedication like anything else and I don't think you should let that go because you mentioned that you like making people feel better and that's the soul of being an entertainer, and you have the charisma, so I think you should hold on to that. I wish I could provide you with more, proper and concrete advice, but you seem like such a good guy and it looks like you know what your situation roughly looks like and I think you have the capabilities to push on and figure out life. Maybe not figure it out because nobody understands life at all, but figure out some stuff atleast and make a good thing of it you know.

Thank you both for the advice, I appreciate it. It's been really hard to try and overcome these problems because it feels like they're all intertwined. I'm low on cash because of my disability, and my disability keeps me away from people, and my lack of social graces makes it hard to make connections and get employed. It feels like that, anyway. Still, I appreciate it all the same.

I hate that my body is so strong. I tried to drink myself away yesterday, but I just wasted a bottle of whiskey and half of a vodka bottle and I'm still feeling like shit, I felt like shit and I didn't even get that drunk. I've come to the point where no one really likes me anymore. One of the closest relations to me hates me, because I'm an ignorant shithead that tried to make it good for everyone. I wish I killed myself, long time ago. There are ups, but now it seems like it's Rock Bottom and 3 feet over Rock Bottom. It doesn't really matter anymore. Oh, also... My parents think I hate them because I try to live my own life, so there is that too, just to make the situation better...

still alive with this schedule thing I'm doing. still go to bed 21:30 everyday (though I do often delay actually trying to sleep until 22:00) and wake up everyday somewhere between 06:15 and 06:45. got breakfast and lunch all settled, usually eat the same everyday, easier to keep track of calories and nutrients. huuge focus on chicken for dinner. I notice I've had to prioritize staying home than to go out since I need to eat a proper dinner which is a bummer, think I'll cook stuff in bulk and keep it in the fridge so I can easily eat on the go as well. gym has been a success so far as well, been there every single time (6 times so far, 7 tomorrow) which is already an improvement compared to last time I went there. I'd usually only go 2 times a week often for some reason when I last did this. I'd really recommend trying to build a routine for if you have none. I've gotten comments that watching me deal with all of my times and following my routine is like watching someone who is in the military but hey, it works for me. putting focus on this routine allows me to occupy my head I suppose which removes a lot of depressive thoughts. my general need to do things have decreased a lot as well, I'm completely fine with just sitting at home these days since I manage to exhaust myself to a certain degree. I think I've managed to do exactly one of the things I wanted to achieve when I started with this, to have own projects so I don't have to rely on the social part of life to feel happiness. I think I'm laying a very strong foundation by doing what I'm doing. I can already easily imagine shoving either work or school into this routine, no stress. though I won't rush this else I may overload myself by accident and fall out of it again. I'll try to keep this very routine stable for a few months then add onto that once I know this foundation is rock solid [editline]5th June 2016[/editline] I also haven't touched drugs at all for like 2-3 weeks which is pretty long for me, that's cool! I think that may be for the better in regards to my heavy depersonalization, perhaps this "fog" might clear up a little without the drugs

You guys got any experience with sertraline? Felt a bit dizzy after the first time I tried it. On it since Friday?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;50459861]You guys got any experience with sertraline? Felt a bit dizzy after the first time I tried it. On it since Friday?[/QUOTE] You'll experience side effects for a while until your body gets used to it, I'm on Prozac but I had the same side effects