Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

While I'm ready to go back to school, I feel like I should go back 4 years with my current mindset, I wasn't ready and wasn't mature enough when I started uni for the first time.

I went to the supermarket with my mom because I like helping her with stuff. I was gonna buy some french fries when suddenly this one woman stepped in front of me and was sure as fuck she was gonna buy first, I was about to tell her "Hey, could you please move? I was there first" but then my mother hurried and say "HEY, HE WAS GOING TO BUY SOMETHING AND HE WAS FIRST". The woman moved, I wasn't mad at this point and was gonna tell her "Sorry, excuse my mother, I'm just gonna order quick alright" But again, right before I said something, the woman said "YEAH, I GET IT...fucking bitchy lady". and then I felt like going mad. I told her "Hey! My mother never insulted you, she just wanted you to respect my turn. Don't say that again", she didn't stare at me but she moved away. All I wanted to do was go ape-shit but I couldn't because if I went ape-shit I would get in trouble. I wish I could vent my anger. I wish I had something to punch or shoot at. I'm like, mad all time, I just act chill and relaxed so I don't blow up.

Snip

Had a dream where I died last night. I feel like complete utter shit, I just made a friend not talk to me again, and seeing her in a relationship kind of made me sadder.

i love you all

My ex girlfriend bought me an Eva 01 figure to sit on a shelf or mine 6 months on and it still makes me sad to look at it I think it's at least very funny that looking at an Evangelion figure fills me with thoughts of depression, resentment and love towards a redhead.

I'm probably going to end up killing myself one day

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;50476225]I'm probably going to end up killing myself one day[/QUOTE] Why do you feel that way?

I feel like I'm fairly successful for a twenty year old guy, good course in college, take care of myself, exercise, had a string of relationships. But I'm a wreck, all I want to do is drink and smoke myself to death and the only thing that stopped me from cutting into myself is my fucking vanity, and even then that breaks down, and now I have fuckhuge scars that won't heal on my bicep where I cut too deep when I had my first complete breakdown into a bloody ruin. My relationships are always broken, my work is consuming me and I don't know if I can deal with the pressure, and honestly I have become so numb I think I am turning manipulative and cold to everyone around me. I've always been naturally miserable even as a child, and I am starting to realise there is nothing good for me anymore, nothing makes me feel happy, I don't think I can keep going anymore. I was always sad and bitter, but I was always so full of venom I was never really introspective. I never realized how much I wanted to die.

Protip for people that you think that are lesser than you in skill: Do not ever try to put them below you.

Throw up after my train ride to work today, not sure if the Sertraline had anything to do with it.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;50477415]Throw up after my train ride to work today, not sure if the Sertraline had anything to do with it.[/QUOTE] Most likely. it's a common side effect for the first few weeks of being on it, but also possible each time you go up a dose. It's not pleasant I know, and sometimes motion can make it worse. Make sure you're eating and drinking plenty because that can't help either. Don't let it put you off, keep going, however if it does keep occuring, mention it to your GP :) they'll know the best course of action. It does take a little while for the medication to take effect so don't give up on it. You can do this, and its brilliant that youve got help and are on medication :). [editline]8th June 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;50469691]I don't know, I feel like there's so much downtime compared to uptime in regards to how sociable I am. I often feel pretty drained but then I have these rare moments where I suddenly feel like a champ, I'd love to feel like that more often. with the mood dropping, it's mostly me becoming very empty and careless. I suppose I could try taking a few walks every now and then to see if it does anything to me. don't think food or hydration is any problem, I'm currently in a bulking phase so I eat somewhat more than your average person.[/QUOTE] Perhaps you're surrounding yourself with the wrong crowd?? Are people negative around/towards you? I'd suggest trying to get out there and meeting some new people. Drained by other people? - again sounds like you're either surrounding yourself with the wrong people, or you're being too harsh on yourself. To be fair, everyone has their up and down days so I wouldn't look too far into it, however, how careless are you becoming? Sorry for all the questions, I want to try to understand your situation more so I can help you if possible. Sounds like a brilliant idea. Walks are always good, just to get out and about, and it gives you a chance to have either a thoughless time, or a very productive thoughtful moment.

[QUOTE=GisG56;50477497]Most likely. it's a common side effect for the first few weeks of being on it, but also possible each time you go up a dose. It's not pleasant I know, and sometimes motion can make it worse. Make sure you're eating and drinking plenty because that can't help either. Don't let it put you off, keep going, however if it does keep occuring, mention it to your GP :) they'll know the best course of action. It does take a little while for the medication to take effect so don't give up on it. You can do this, and its brilliant that youve got help and are on medication :).[/QUOTE]I don't know, dude, I'm already taking stuff for acid reflux, I can't really throw up everyday.

[QUOTE=Mr. N;50476963]I feel like I'm fairly successful for a twenty year old guy, good course in college, take care of myself, exercise, had a string of relationships. But I'm a wreck, all I want to do is drink and smoke myself to death and the only thing that stopped me from cutting into myself is my fucking vanity, and even then that breaks down, and now I have fuckhuge scars that won't heal on my bicep where I cut too deep when I had my first complete breakdown into a bloody ruin. My relationships are always broken, my work is consuming me and I don't know if I can deal with the pressure, and honestly I have become so numb I think I am turning manipulative and cold to everyone around me. I've always been naturally miserable even as a child, and I am starting to realise there is nothing good for me anymore, nothing makes me feel happy, I don't think I can keep going anymore. I was always sad and bitter, but I was always so full of venom I was never really introspective. I never realized how much I wanted to die.[/QUOTE] Do you feel empty or without meaning? It's common around that age to feel as though you have no purpose, I feel that way right now. Have you found a job or a cause in life that really motivates you?

Friendly motivational advice: You woke up today. You probably did at least something. You guys aren't stupid or worthless, depression just makes us feel that way. Watch a movie or have a mall pretzel. Treat yo' self.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50478289]Friendly motivational advice: You woke up today. You probably did at least something. You guys aren't stupid or worthless, depression just makes us feel that way. Watch a movie or have a mall pretzel. Treat yo' self.[/QUOTE] This. There's always an empty highway somewhere, under the moon. There's always a happy avenue you can find, and if you can't find it right now, that's alright. It's certainly there, and bad times never last forever. I've been pretty zen lately. Taking my summer classes online give me a bit more time to relax, and decompose. Been working out and the like, everything turns out alright, given time. I hope things get easier for the rest of you as well.

Oh, I was super mocking of Zen and the art of meditation but it actually helps immensely I've found. Doesn't have to be a big song and dance but 20 minutes of sitting outside peacefully breathing in and out does wonders. I've also recently taken up something that probably is just crazy and not helpful but meditating in a bathtub to vappurwave I call em steam baths and they're great

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;50477859]I don't know, dude, I'm already taking stuff for acid reflux, I can't really throw up everyday.[/QUOTE] I'd see your GP asap then. I'd look up on the drugs interaction site on google too. Taking other medications such as acid reflux, or antibiotics don't always mix well with Sertaline. I know that you cannot take ibuprofen etc when on it because of the harmful interactions. Also, if you have been consuming any kind of grapefruit (juice, the actual fruit itself, things that contain it etc), then that can also make you feel sick because it also has very bad interaction with Sertraline, and should be avoided (it's in the medication instructions, but I know that not everyone reads those). Good luck :)

[QUOTE=GisG56;50477497] Perhaps you're surrounding yourself with the wrong crowd?? Are people negative around/towards you? I'd suggest trying to get out there and meeting some new people. Drained by other people? - again sounds like you're either surrounding yourself with the wrong people, or you're being too harsh on yourself. To be fair, everyone has their up and down days so I wouldn't look too far into it, however, how careless are you becoming? Sorry for all the questions, I want to try to understand your situation more so I can help you if possible. Sounds like a brilliant idea. Walks are always good, just to get out and about, and it gives you a chance to have either a thoughless time, or a very productive thoughtful moment.[/QUOTE] it's possible I have the wrong people around me, yeah. its been a feeling I've had for a long time, how I don't fit in with anyone I know. I'm not sure if it's something in my head or if it's actually true since I've pretty much always had this feeling, even during childhood. you know some of the story with my friend (the social advice thread), she has a tendency to pull me down with all of her negativity. though I haven't been with her for a week now so I wouldn't put any blame on her for how I've been feeling lately. I have a tendency to set my expectations a bit too high so maybe I'm just fussing over something that is completely normal, having ups and downs. I think I'm more frustrated by the fact that there is so much more down than up however. not talking about severely depressed down but just lacking energy and confidence down. I suppose careless was a poorly picked word by me, it's more a general feeling of not being bothered to really do anything, lacking the care or will.

[QUOTE=PredGD;50479105]it's possible I have the wrong people around me, yeah. its been a feeling I've had for a long time, how I don't fit in with anyone I know. I'm not sure if it's something in my head or if it's actually true since I've pretty much always had this feeling, even during childhood. you know some of the story with my friend (the social advice thread), she has a tendency to pull me down with all of her negativity. though I haven't been with her for a week now so I wouldn't put any blame on her for how I've been feeling lately. I have a tendency to set my expectations a bit too high so maybe I'm just fussing over something that is completely normal, having ups and downs. I think I'm more frustrated by the fact that there is so much more down than up however. not talking about severely depressed down but just lacking energy and confidence down. I suppose careless was a poorly picked word by me, it's more a general feeling of not being bothered to really do anything, lacking the care or will.[/QUOTE] Well if you believe you have the wrong people around you, but at the same time are uncertain, ask yourself, what do they bring to your life? and such. If you have known these people for a long time, it is possible that you have out grown them, and whilst it may be good to keep them in your life, it might be good to distance yourself a bit, and find people more like yourself. Change isn't always necessarily a bad thing, it just shows that you're growing as an individual. I'd also suggest to try not be so hard on yourself, and revolve your thoughts mostly about what impression you're leaving on others, rather than what others think about you; if you are trying your best to leave a good impression, and they find something wrong with you, then that's their problem, not yours. Self-improvement is always a good thing, but to me, it does sound like you're slightly paranoid about what others think about you. Try to focus more on what YOU think of you, and improve that instead. I agree with your thinking there, do not blame her for how you're feeling. I have done that before when things didn't seem clear to me, not a good move. Setting expectations too high is always practically asking for disappointment. I have a tendency to do that too, and used to believe that if I had compassion for something, then the other person must have that same compassion otherwise they're a bad person; when in fact, people just think differently, and it's all a case of understanding those differences, and ironically, being compassionate towards that fact. You seem to be over thinking a lot. It sounds generic, but though it may not seem it, you are ALWAYS in control of how many ups and downs you have; sure not all situations are in your control, but you are always in control of your thoughts and feelings. It's important to not let your emotions consume you, and your actions/behaviour - you can lose people who are so special to you if you let it. It does seem to me though now that you had added a bit more information, that you do need to just get out and find people with similar interests to yourself. Perhaps join a new club, or something and make some new buddies based on a common interest. It seems that you are demotivated due to your lack of self esteem. In this case, it is okay to be a bit selfish, and take time to focus on self improvements. Ask yourself, what is making you feel unhappy about yourself? Why is this? Is it justified? what can you do to change it? Force yourself out and about, and perhaps start a new activity. It could just be that you're bored of familiarity in your life, and need something new.

Well the oneness has taken over. Holy fuck abuse can really fuck up your mind, I didn't even classify myself as human for the longest time. The shitty part are the abusers are my family and I've finally been able to break the control they had. Now it's time to deal with this unrelenting anger and hatred to be reborn. Also explains all the drug abuse, which I still happen to be doing to make it through all this for the feels I feel are insane I've never felt like this before.

[QUOTE=Disseminate;50469284]It's my birthday in 10 minutes and I've never felt so dead. I was thinking about suicide earlier this evening, but I kind of reasoned that it's too impractical at this point. Not to mention suicide's derogatory - my girlfriend, friends, etc. would miss me if I vanished but at the same time it's important to weigh that. I wouldn't want them to think it's because of them, because it's not, but still, I want them to be happy in the long run. And I did weigh all this, and my girlfriend and friends are worth all this. Eventually I think I might get better. I really do hope so, because otherwise life really does bite. I hope they can understand my motivations and my conscientiousness between experiences. Otherwise, I still have facepunch, I guess.[/QUOTE] I admire and relate to your reasoning. I recall back when I was walking through the woods, on our community "rail trail" and was ready to [I]do it[/I], when I thought "Aww hell, I can't do this in somebodies back yard (since the trail was near certain neighborhoods)". I kept looking for better spots, and that's why my mom was able to find me and call the police. Even if it is a bit, let's say twisted, I found thinking about the purpose of my suicide, along with the method, would result in issues due to the purpose not working out in the scenarios in my head. I found eventually it became harder and harder to justify, as my life "healed" and things stabilized. I could never find the "perfect" scenario, if that makes sense.

I keep cycling between over eating and under eating. One day I'll keep going to the fridge to get chocolate or something and I make a sandwich alongside my normal meals if I'm alone. And then another it'll be around 11pm before I realise I haven't ate anything all day. I get really angry with myself after eating more than I should, and I don't really feel much to the lack of eating, for the past few months I've deliberately starved myself but one night when I suddenly lost the majority of my eyesight and ability to feel my own body followed by my mother making me sit in the living room as she cooked food at 10pm I stopped and now I do try to eat if I'm hungry but sometimes I still go almost an entire day without eating, I'm not really trying to I just seem to forget to eat.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50478289] Watch a movie or have a mall pretzel. Treat yo' self.[/QUOTE] But what if i've been treating my self too much?

I spent all day watching anime in bed and looking at old photos of ex girlfriend I figure if I was ever going to kill myself it would probably have to be today so as long as I move past this I'll be a okay

[QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;50481487]I spent all day watching anime in bed and looking at old photos of ex girlfriend I figure if I was ever going to kill myself it would probably have to be today so as long as I move past this I'll be a okay[/QUOTE] It's okay to grieve a relationship, but remember to take good care of yourself too. I have faith in you to get past it. You seem determined to do so, and I think you have the ability to. Don't let her hold you back or feel that way. I know it may not seem like it, but you do not need her to live.

[QUOTE=GisG56;50481526]Getting over an ex is never easy. It's okay to grieve, but you've got to remember to look after yourself. Think about it, is she likely to be moping around about it like you are, or just getting on with her life? It's a painful thing to think about, but if she isn't getting bummed out about it, then why should you? I'm going through a similar thing right now, you've just got to focus on yourself, and forget about someone who doesn't care about you anymore. You deserve to be happy too. I have confidence in you that you will be alright. In fact, you will be even better. Stay strong and keep fighting! Show her what she's missing :)[/QUOTE] It's been a while and I shouldn't still be upset. It's been triggered recently since I just got out of a very short relationship and it freaked me out a whole lot That's been a lot of the problem is knowing she's happy and bounced back so quickly (hooked up with her closest male friend) and I've just let my hair grow on my face. It's nice that she's doing well and I'm glad I'm just upset at myself for not doing anything productive or bettering myself I've been going on some silly dates lately but haven't felt anything too fierce

Well that's solved, unknown happiness commenced.

I fucking haaaaaaate stress

Now everyone is probably lying to me to make me feel better about myself. Doesn't change the fact I still hate myself, because I'm a terrible person. I wish I didn't have to care about people. My brother kinda said he didn't do suicide either, because think about everyone around him. I wish I could just forget everyone, so I could finally just end the pitiful parade of misfortune that is my life. I'm just wasting space at this point, where people that are actually worth something and have goals in life. I fucking hate myself.