Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

while looking for a specific photo I took some time ago in my Dropbox, I found a lot of pictures of myself, some without shirts. I remember thinking I was fat, but man, I was like really thin compared to now. makes me feel a little depressed since I think I've gained a total of 35kg since that time. I used to weigh around 70kg, last time I weighed myself I was 102kg. I'm afraid I've gained even more since then. I really want to get down there, but it's really hard to lose all of these kilos. aaaa [editline]5th October 2015[/editline] but hey, while looking for this photo I also had to dig through a lot of pictures from when me and my ex were still together. before I'd tear up, now I just think of them as good memories. glad I kept these pictures [editline]5th October 2015[/editline] you know, I'll give this weight loss thing a try again. I'm afraid I'll eventually lose my drive as I've always done, but I gotta try before I say that, even though it has happened more than once before. thinking I need a proper structure on my days first, so going to set an alarm for when to wake up, when to shower, when to eat breakfast / lunch / dinner, potentially a slice of bread before I go to bed, when to take sleeping meds, when to go to sleep, and I think that's it for now. once the structure is properly in place, I'll fit the gym into there as well. so far I'm thinking perhaps 1 hour on the treadmill, I think that's enough if done daily. not sure if I need to do strength exercises as well, there's embarrassingly enough not a lot of muscles to keep so I wonder if I can get away with skipping strength to maintain muscle. also need to cut back on food, which is gonna be hard since I eat whenever I'm bored and it's pretty nice to eat. I think it might be easier once I get a proper eating schedule though, makes me more determined not to eat when it's not eating time. just gonna post my thoughts out loud and what I currently have in mind: * ensure daily structure is created, which includes when to wake up, when to eat meals, when to take meds, when to shower and when to go to bed. * eat less in general and stop snacking. might need to quit my excessive consumption of pepsi max, though I'm not sure. I don't want to and I don't think it gets in the way of losing weight or exercising, so I'll keep it in there for now. * once daily structure is achieved, go buy clothing I feel comfortable exercising in. this should make it easier to go to the gym, always felt a little off about going to gym since I've never had the proper clothes. * clothing achieved, start slowly stepping up time spent in gym. perhaps start with jogging on a treadmill twice a week, week after that three times, week after that four times, and so on. * lose weight, gain confidence, potentially start building muscle though I'll think of that more once the weight is gone. maybe drown in pussy and friends, hard to tell now but maybe it'll happen. perhaps a good thing to keep as motivation [editline][/editline] I'll report back on every bulletpoint every week, so next Monday I'll make a post about how creating this structure has worked out for me

I'm feeling down out of nowhere, no idea why

after thinking of trying to get better and improve upon things, I sort of realize that a psychiatric ward perhaps isn't the best for me. I've always been the kind of guy who is incredibly stubborn and wants to win / prove someone wrong over the tiniest things when it comes to myself. I need to take things at my own pace, I can't take it when someone tries to push me to get better. I'll just get stubborn and prove that I'll hold my ground, so I won't get better. one episode I remember from the old ward was when I wasn't feeling like showering that one day since I was exhausted. they tried pushing me, and bam, all hope that I'd go shower was gone. I was in complete lockdown. I remember a lot of these moments. then when I finally feel like doing something to get better, I receive praise about it and feel that they've "won" and gotten it their way. this of course results in me going back to old habits to prove that they haven't won anything. what I'm afraid of now is that if I start doing what I've planned, I'll get praise for it. since they've tried to push me to get better before and start praising me, they'll remind me that they've won and finally gotten me to do something. pretty big chance I'll stop doing positive things and go back to my old patterns just to prove them wrong, even when I know it's dumb. what a destructive way to think of things. I'm not like this when it comes to things not relating to me, but when it's about me, I get incredibly stubborn since I'm the guy in charge, I won't allow anyone else to influence me or force me to do something that I haven't decided upon myself.

Oh If I could literally read a mirror, this is what it'd be like Here's a free peek into my mind [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/MNRuSMv.png[/IMG]

And just when I thought I was starting to get better, I have a massive meltdown in the middle of the night. It just hurts so much just to be casually thrown away when you've given your all and been the best you can be for someone who you love the bones of. I'm always going to be left wondering why, It seems I'll never get an answer. 20 good months, even with our ups and downs, and who knows how many future months have been thrown away because of a couple of months of something she doesn't even know, didn't bother to figure out and worst of all, given how communication was a massive thing with us, didn't even discuss at all with me, just pretty much dumped. I fucking hate the world, because there's no way I've done anything to deserve all the shit I've been fucked over in life with, severe clinical depression for 18 years, a ticking time bomb in terms of physical health since I was born, which again erupted 18 years ago, I'm in constant mental and physical pain, which is so fucking draining and tiring and I've lost the love of my life, with no explanation or anything. The only way I can explain it is that somehow a switch was flipped in her and she became a completely different person with me, as if i never mattered. Although I am starting to see that she has a veneer of being all about other people, but is infact so fucking selfish, though this may just be the hurt talking. Well I wish her luck, because if she can do that to me,after everything, then she'll always and forever be doing it to other people, and she threw away one person who would have done almost anything for her, would have always stood by her side no matter what. People tell me it's her loss, but I'm the one who is left to pick up the pieces of their life when I had absoloutely no say or even input or anything at all with the decision to end our relationship.

just spent I think 2 hours reading all of my posts in the previous depression thread, was fun to read through. when looking through it from my current perspective, I suspect I may have given myself a little too much praise and deluded myself into believing I was better. I suppose I could have felt much better, but I don't feel that way anymore when reading through it now. I intend to quit this ward, this really isn't working out. I can't just yet though, I've ordered 4 different packages to this place so I'll have to wait until they all show up before I can consider moving out. this place would be absolutely amazing if it weren't for the fact that it's actually a hospital. the people here are great, I just heavily dislike the program and the staff. giving us tasks etc feels so incredibly artificial. it's distributed so often, even when the task isn't even needed, like cleaning a very clean room every week just because. I suppose I can see the point in doing it, but it just doesn't work for me. I need to have the things I do actually make sense, I can't do things just for the hell of it. don't really have a plan other than to move home. if I could, I'd just go home right now and told the staff here to fuck off and get out of here as quickly as possible, but as mentioned, I need to wait until my packages show up. should have just ordered them all to my home address so I wouldn't need to camp the mailbox here.

[QUOTE=PredGD;48831905]just spent I think 2 hours reading all of my posts in the previous depression thread, was fun to read through. when looking through it from my current perspective, I suspect I may have given myself a little too much praise and deluded myself into believing I was better. I suppose I could have felt much better, but I don't feel that way anymore when reading through it now. I intend to quit this ward, this really isn't working out. I can't just yet though, I've ordered 4 different packages to this place so I'll have to wait until they all show up before I can consider moving out. this place would be absolutely amazing if it weren't for the fact that it's actually a hospital. the people here are great, I just heavily dislike the program and the staff. giving us tasks etc feels so incredibly artificial. it's distributed so often, even when the task isn't even needed, like cleaning a very clean room every week just because. I suppose I can see the point in doing it, but it just doesn't work for me. I need to have the things I do actually make sense, I can't do things just for the hell of it. don't really have a plan other than to move home. if I could, I'd just go home right now and told the staff here to fuck off and get out of here as quickly as possible, but as mentioned, I need to wait until my packages show up. should have just ordered them all to my home address so I wouldn't need to camp the mailbox here.[/QUOTE] I find it so fucking strange they let you have internet access, order packages, and everything. Do they let you use cell phones? We had all that shit stripped away from us when I was in a psych ward. We weren't even allowed to have sharp pencils or shoe laces on our shoes. All we had was a decaf coffee machine and two TVs in a lounge.

depressing dreams are the worst because they leave me feeling awful for hours.

[QUOTE=Vaught;48828407]Congrats on the interview! That sounds really crummy for someone to do. Can you confront the people affected by this in order to try and dispel the rumor or has it propagated too long to do anything about. The faster you nip this in the bud, the better. If they're unconsoleable and really believe the rumor over you, then, as Freeze put it, they really aren't as good a friend as you thought.[/QUOTE] I've already asked one person down the chain of who heard what, and folks are "checking" it, but quite frankly, I've had enough of it - someone tried to character assassinate me whilst I was unable to dispute the claims, and it's already done its job. I've handed in my student card today after a relatively decent interview because I know I am not going back at all. I could have done so much better, but someone had to invoke Tucker's Law at that precise moment.

[QUOTE=Creid;48832393]I find it so fucking strange they let you have internet access, order packages, and everything. Do they let you use cell phones? We had all that shit stripped away from us when I was in a psych ward. We weren't even allowed to have sharp pencils or shoe laces on our shoes. All we had was a decaf coffee machine and two TVs in a lounge.[/QUOTE] I get the impression PredGD is in a longer term, lower security ward that isn't really for people actively in crisis like would show up to an ER. I could be wrong tho.

[QUOTE=Alex Rider;48834940]I've already asked one person down the chain of who heard what, and folks are "checking" it, but quite frankly, I've had enough of it - someone tried to character assassinate me whilst I was unable to dispute the claims, and it's already done its job. I've handed in my student card today after a relatively decent interview because I know I am not going back at all. I could have done so much better, but someone had to invoke Tucker's Law at that precise moment.[/QUOTE] A much vulgar version of Murphy's Law I see :v: Regardless, its pretty crummy that sort of thing happened to you. It's one of the reasons I have mega trust issues, though my experiences are different. Also, are you sure you wish to make this jump? Sounds like quite a serious commitment to throw it behind you without much of a resolution. I don't wish to step on your toes, of course, I only hope you've thought about all of it.

So a bit of preface: Family beatings have been truly a staple in my family's generation and it has seem to got out again. My little sister (lets call here Tamara) was being angsty as she always is. Yet today she was especially annoying and made a huge fuss and got to bed and my mom gave her a small beating and went away and she's still making a fuss. Tamara went out to sleep to the upper part of the house, yet my dad went up, managed to force her to go down and then voila father managed to beat her for straight 5 min. And this part fucking scares me: I actually embracing beating her. Why? I'm sure that it was due to how really annoyed with her shit was back at that time and right after i said it, i just felt like throwing myself into a fucking river. I just can't comprehend why i did so tho. Embracing something that also made me to have huge issues with my dad and his beatings. God, do i feel awful right now. And this is one of the reasons why i just might not have kids. I'm scared that i have inherited too much of his violence onto myself. I really do need a big dose of sleep right now.

[QUOTE=Creid;48832393]I find it so fucking strange they let you have internet access, order packages, and everything. Do they let you use cell phones? We had all that shit stripped away from us when I was in a psych ward. We weren't even allowed to have sharp pencils or shoe laces on our shoes. All we had was a decaf coffee machine and two TVs in a lounge.[/QUOTE] I'm here voluntarily and I don't have any previous episodes of self harm or acted on suicidal thoughts, so it's pretty low security and long term treatment like GeneralSpecific said. [editline]5th October 2015[/editline] gonna say some words regarding my previous post about losing weight and getting a structure in my everyday life even though it hasn't been a week yet, but its off to a pretty bumpy start. I didn't sleep night from Sunday to Monday so I ended up crashing at 12:17, sleeping until 13:21 where I had to go to a meeting regarding some financial support I applied for. after that I crashed again, was woken once more and finally woke up at 19:45. my schedule is completely flipped so I haven't been able to do a single thing involving creating a structure in my day. I skipped all of my alarms today other than my alarm to write a daily log.

I miss people hopefully someone will decide not to hate me someday so I can see what it's like to be hugged again :saddowns: [editline]adsf[/editline] it like really hurts realizing how empty and lonely my life is

[QUOTE=Vaught;48835098] Also, are you sure you wish to make this jump? Sounds like quite a serious commitment to throw it behind you without much of a resolution. I don't wish to step on your toes, of course, I only hope you've thought about all of it.[/QUOTE] I've explained in the previous thread that Student Finance rules prevent me from fully completing my studies anyway (as they considered my Foundation Year as the typical +1 years worth of finance that an ordinary 3 year degree would be covered). I have not registered my attendance (and that the finances at home are still currently unsustainable), and I have already gone past my date of return under the Academic Regulations for Students on Intermission. Even then, as reactionary as it sounds, just being told that I am a cheating fucker when I am not makes me not trust anyone at that university. I know that it would be practically committing suicide even trying to work at a university that has people gossiping about you. I'm tired of the playground bullying tactics that exist there, when all I want to do is be the person standing up for the rights of other students on the course/in the university.

[QUOTE=fear me;48835682]I miss people hopefully someone will decide not to hate me someday so I can see what it's like to be hugged again :saddowns: [editline]adsf[/editline] it like really hurts realizing how empty and lonely my life is[/QUOTE] You can always come here to talk to us. I know it's no real solution but it helps a little. [QUOTE=Alex Rider;48835752]I've explained in the previous thread that Student Finance rules prevent me from fully completing my studies anyway (as they considered my Foundation Year as the typical +1 years worth of finance that an ordinary 3 year degree would be covered). I have not registered my attendance (and that the finances at home are still currently unsustainable), and I have already gone past my date of return under the Academic Regulations for Students on Intermission. Even then, as reactionary as it sounds, just being told that I am a cheating fucker when I am not makes me not trust anyone at that university. I know that it would be practically committing suicide even trying to work at a university that has people gossiping about you. I'm tired of the playground bullying tactics that exist there, when all I want to do is be the person standing up for the rights of other students on the course/in the university.[/QUOTE] I respect your choice then. I really do hope the future looks better for you. I've been mostly invisible all my life, which is a boon and a curse, so I don't know what its like to be in your shoes. Still, I really do hope things turn up for the better.

Been weed free for almost 14 days now! I have been laying in bed constantly with my computer and ps4 by my side, Just detoxing the shit out of my system. Feeling the anxiety of not being high flowing in and out of my head. I'm laying here, waiting for my head to stop thinking stupid shit. Only a week left now until most of the THC is out! And then I will give the doctor a clean piss test so he can send me to a real therapist because in Norway, you only get people who specializes in drug addiction if you have weed or other drugs in your system. GOING STRONG, I WILL PREVAIL.

[QUOTE=dannass;48836725]Been weed free for almost 14 days now! I have been laying in bed constantly with my computer and ps4 by my side, Just detoxing the shit out of my system. Feeling the anxiety of not being high flowing in and out of my head. I'm laying here, waiting for my head to stop thinking stupid shit. Only a week left now until most of the THC is out! And then I will give the doctor a clean piss test so he can send me to a real therapist because in Norway, you only get people who specializes in drug addiction if you have weed or other drugs in your system. GOING STRONG, I WILL PREVAIL.[/QUOTE] I stopped smoking weed also, I don't get any cravings for that. it is a nice feeling especially combined with alcohol but i can live without it. alcohol on the other hand i get cravings for it at bad times. [editline]6th October 2015[/editline] I'm just going to keep drinking because honestly I don't give a shit what happens to me anymore even if it means the death of me

Here we go again... I still haven't slept yet (it's 6am here), been anxious all night and since then I've been thinking of all the worst-case scenarios possible in my head. It just can't switch off. I'm bloody shattered and need to sleep.

[QUOTE=fear me;48831797]Oh If I could literally read a mirror, this is what it'd be like Here's a free peek into my mind [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/MNRuSMv.png[/IMG][/QUOTE] I was diagnosed a year and a half ago, still, and probably will always, suffer. BPD is true lack of control, lack of understanding and pure frustration. You won't know why you feel the way you feel, why you cannot understand, you'll feel out of place like most of everything is against you. You'll elevate yourself into a high, then quickly sink down into an extreme low. At that point everything feels hopeless, like you don't belong. I struggle with identity, abandonment, most of the time I run away from a feeling or two to prevent abandonment, leaving me with what I had been trying to avoid. I can't say much to help, no real advice as I struggle to overcome delusions and more so lately in the recent years, suicidal ideation. All I can say is that everything you think, every negative feeling and emotion, is nothing but a delusion. What you think of yourself, what you think people think of you. Though it's difficult to come up from it, the realization has be made that everything is nothing but BPD kicking you in the face. I've found venting about it helps, or an incredibly patient friend, I've stopped venting to people individually as most of my friends don't really understand nor have the patience to deal with it.

fuck man, I really, really can't stand the staff here anymore. I've definitely started noticing that things are getting more tense between us. usually when I start disliking people, I just stop coming with proper responses and just don't look into their eyes. now it's getting worse, and I actually raised my voice against my primary contact today which I rarely do. I haven't slept last night, yet again, so he asked me if I had taken my sleeping meds. I said yes, he asked when, and I said 5am. he got noticeably upset at me, and he said I can't be taking them that late else I'll sleep all day anyway. I got really annoyed at him, raised my voice and said I could have no way taken them any earlier considering I woke up 07:30pm last day. had I taken it earlier I'd have guaranteed not fallen asleep, so I saw no point in that. at least if I went to bed 5am and managed to fall asleep I could just wake up earlier than usual and fix my schedule. of course I wasn't able to fall asleep at 5am earlier since I hadn't been awake long enough yet, so eh. it was a lose-lose situation in the end, but this fucking guy doesn't seem to agree with me there. good god. I want out of here

I've been wondering lately what's the point in living if you are constantly stressed and depressed. I just don't and can't see things getting better.

I couldn't take it anymore and have felt suicidal since last night. I didn't sleep at all either. Today a while ago, was my first ever time that I've phoned a helpline. Oh my fucking god she was really friendly. Had such a gentle tone to her voice as well and made me feel relaxed and sleepy. It's so nice and relieving to know that there are some non-judgemental people out there; as well as talking to someone who understands.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm so alone. I go to college 3 days a week and sit in silence for 7 hours because I talk to no one in my course, I have no friends there. My "friends" from highschool barely speak to me anymore, I haven't spoken to most of them in months and the one who talks to me slightly more regularly (maybe every 2-3 weeks?) only talks to me when he wants something. I have no one to talk to about my mother dying 4 months ago, no one really cares; she was really the only one that I could open up to and now I have no one. I hate going to college and forcing a smile, pretending that I'm okay and everything is "normal" because I don't want to push people further away but it hurts so much and people already think I'm a huge creep because I can't muster up the courage to engage in conversation with anyone. The work at college hasn't even gotten intense yet, I'm only 1 month in and I already feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, I have to worry about getting into University and I don't even fucking care anymore. I don't even want to go to University anymore and if I do get into the one I want then I will have to see these "friends" everyday and pretend that they didn't abandon me when I needed them.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;48842158]I've been wondering lately what's the point in living if you are constantly stressed and depressed. I just don't and can't see things getting better.[/QUOTE] I don't know if this will ring true for you but it has helped me a bit. When I can't imagine things getting better, when I don't have any hope for the future being brighter or me feeling better, I dial back that expectation to something I know is true no matter what. [I]It will change.[/I] This is not forever. Everything changes and everything ends. I think one thing that suicide is is a rejection of the certainty of change. It will change, but if you are dead, you will never see what the change will be. You are eliminating all possible changes you could otherwise experience. Never forget that it (whatever it is) will change. You can be in the deepest darkest loneliest hole you have ever been in. I can't promise you that you will get out and you will be ok and things will be ok I can promise you that [I]it will change.[/I]

[QUOTE=Tacooo;48843499]I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm so alone. I go to college 3 days a week and sit in silence for 7 hours because I talk to no one in my course, I have no friends there. My "friends" from highschool barely speak to me anymore, I haven't spoken to most of them in months and the one who talks to me slightly more regularly (maybe every 2-3 weeks?) only talks to me when he wants something. I have no one to talk to about my mother dying 4 months ago, no one really cares; she was really the only one that I could open up to and now I have no one. I hate going to college and forcing a smile, pretending that I'm okay and everything is "normal" because I don't want to push people further away but it hurts so much and people already think I'm a huge creep because I can't muster up the courage to engage in conversation with anyone. The work at college hasn't even gotten intense yet, I'm only 1 month in and I already feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, I have to worry about getting into University and I don't even fucking care anymore. I don't even want to go to University anymore and if I do get into the one I want then I will have to see these "friends" everyday and pretend that they didn't abandon me when I needed them.[/QUOTE] Stick with it and don't give up on university, its perfect as a fresh start somewhere new and there are societies you can join based on your interests. Its fairly easy making friends that way. Just because your old friends don't speak with you anymore doesn't mean they don't want to, they probably just assume you've moved on. Don't be afraid to send them a message over facebook every now and then to catch up. If they don't care then don't lose any sleep over them, move onto people that do care. And people probably don't think you're a creep if you don't join in conversations, most times they'll just assume you're quiet. Just put yourself out there and confidence comes naturally, as long as you don't say anything offensive people will warm up to you.

I am beginning to understand what is going on in the minds of mass murderers, their feelings are something I can relate to. Might be teen angst, I don't know. Primal aggression? Deeply repressed anger from a lifetime of abuse and stigmatization surfacing? Probably. I don't know how to deal with this, being reminded of so much shit, so many big fishes to fry that I left unfried. So much anger and sadness, I want something to take it out on, something that doesn't feel pain. This sounds somewhat unwise but I am thinking of getting back to shooting as a hobby, it helped me a lot, emotionally, mentally, etc. I was a better person back when I kicked ass at the range. So much more relaxed. Might help me with social stuff too? Maybe I could find a bunch of gun nuts like me to hang out with. Maybe when I get my re-evaluation I might have a possibility of giving my life-long dreams of a military career a shot? I know some things sound alarming, but please don't be afraid. No thoughts of neither homicide or suicide. I know that the people that wronged me are gone from my life and will never return. May joy and prosperity follow you people in your life! I must seek it too, I need catharsis, I need to put an end to this pain.

Good luck! Shooting ranges can relieve a lot of tension and built up anxiety and stuff. But please seek help if you ever DO get to that point where you feel as though you might want to harm yourself or someone else. Better safe than sorry!

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;48843484]I couldn't take it anymore and have felt suicidal since last night. I didn't sleep at all either. Today a while ago, was my first ever time that I've phoned a helpline. Oh my fucking god she was really friendly. Had such a gentle tone to her voice as well and made me feel relaxed and sleepy. It's so nice and relieving to know that there are some non-judgemental people out there; as well as talking to someone who understands.[/QUOTE] The earth is not a cold dead place. Some people out there are there to save you, and they don't even know you! Between all the ignorant assholes and the bigots and the people who will never and will never want to understand you, there are these people. Like gold nuggets in a sea of shit. I have felt like taking my life so many times, but each time they were followed with a flare of desire to live, a sudden dopamine spike, a sudden love for existence in all it's purposeless, meaningless glory. Hope you will feel like that too when this all passes.

I had my second therapy appointment today and she gave me some "homework" to write notes down whenever I'm feeling anxious or depressed. And to look for outside resources if I feel like my homework is becoming too hard for me to handle. I might try a few different things. It was a good session!