Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I've had the house for myself the last 3 days and its gonna be like this for another 2 weeks. it feels pretty awesome to not be limited by anxiety and such, I feel like I can actually use the house instead of being secluded to my room. but eh, that feeling does quickly disappear. even though I don't talk with my family, I do feel a lot more lonely now. all alone in this house. no one to talk to. I feel like I should probably "refuel" my social meter by being with friends but I'm just so insanely drained. it's an evil circle, feeling lonely makes it harder to actually satisfy my social needs as I'll be more likely to withdraw due to being drained. I also feel like I should probably stay at home since I have 3 cats to look after.

I went out with that girl yesterday and I think it went good, I had her laughing and she had me laughing and the atmosphere was very playful in general. She is so much like me in both mannerisms and personality. I'm going to ask her later in this week if she wants to go somewhere again. My main issue is today I'm super fucking down, no matter how I look at it I feel like I fucked up the date eventhough I think we both had fun. I'm just super depressed today and I don't know why...

My reason why despression makes me fear love, is because your love between others requires trust, and you're afraid that honesty will hurt them.

i've been feeling really depressed yesterday and today, more than usual. I hate when i get this depressed because all i think about is just killing myself

My issue with depression is not suicidal thoughts, because I don't have them. The problem is that I'm in a position where I don't give a fuck anymore, it's like I can do whatever I want and recieve no consequences; which I do and it's dangerous.

Back from the ER. Guess its just a plain fever/virus, which I'm thankful its not mono or strep. My mother had the kindness to give me a ride to the ER yesterday, she suggested I go. For once she was taking my health problems seriously. I even suggested I try to sleep it off, but she figured if its strep its better to be safe than sorry because people can die of strep. Basically I was in the ER, and was discharged three-four hours later. None of my other relatives would answer the phone. I needed a ride back, I left my wallet at home, and didn't think to call a cab. So I had to walk home from he hospital, my grandma and uncle and all my other family were giving me hell for walking home. They said "if you are too weak to clean the dishes how come you walked home?!" I said "well if you answered the 15 phone calls I left you guys!" They wanted me to take a cab and spend the little bit of money I have left to learn "independence" Hello?! Im fucking feverish and weak! What the fuck. Family of the year award. Dishes aren't my top priority. Getting better is. I hope I get better really soon, like, tomorrow soon. because If I miss over a week of work from this virus, im gonna be let go, fired. My co workers are all super nice & understanding, and so is my supervisor; but according to some laws I can't miss more than a week if I haven't earned the sick days. Ive only been working for two weeks, I only earned like, one. Yes even with a doctors note I could be let go. This is just me assuming the worst; but I have a bad feeling I'm gonna be sick for some time. My grandma is gonna give me hell (like she has) and I feel like I'm gonna get fired. If I get fired my grandma will scream at me or beat me (which she hasn't done in years, and im not scared she'll do any damage to me considering I know MMA and could easily knock her out) and I'm gonna have to flee again. I knew things were too good to be true. Its always ups and downs with me.

probably going to end up back in the hospital for trying to kill myself again

been noticing recently that i (seem to) share literally every symptom of schizophrenia excepting delusions and hallucinations

[quote="provincial government application for gambling technician"] As part of the application process a Criminal Record Check is mandatory. You MUST state any of the following which as occurred i the last 10 years: [B]-you have been charged for any offense -you have been charged for any offense as a youth -you have been investigated my the regional authority or Loss Prevention regarding tresspassing, [/B]theft, shoplifting etc. -[other stuff not relevent (fraud, drugs, etc)] You MUST list all instances. Any instances found not listed are grounds for immediate application rejection.[/quote] ....I Try to forget the things I said and what happened at Costco....but they know it happened (and you know about costco too). A job I have spent a good portion of my life working towards is suddenly out of reach. My employer doesn't even know yet what's happened. I can't even finish these application papers. I need another drink. I've done this all to myself.

i can't talk to my mom for more than 30 minutes before it turns into an argument where i'm a terrible person that needs to do things on her own and get a job. nope, not gonna help you with anything just get a job!!

[QUOTE=wauterboi;50626058]Went to the doctor today, says I'm probably having a relapse with depression and anxiety (which isn't very surprising), but I asked for a referral to a therapist along with his prescribed medications. I apparently have a "rescue medication", which is weird. I'm going to see a therapist and tell him what's going on and what I'm taking just to see if I'm where I need to be or if I should elevate things further. As I've told Zonesylvania, I randomly feel stuck in a dream and find serious separation between what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling, to the point of laughter and cracking jokes while randomly crying for no reason. It's bizarre and scary enough that I don't want to dick around with it. And listening to RJD2's [I]Deadringer[/I] album has made me realized that I've been dealing with these strange dreamlike feelings since senior year of high school (2013). I remember feeling completely confused and out of it listening to "Ghostwriter" as I passed through halls to get to lunch.[/QUOTE] Quick update - I'm feeling a lot better. There's that anxiety that builds up, but past that I feel like myself and better today.

I took a vacation because i had so much time saved, but I lied to everyone that I was going to New York city and shit because in reality I have no friends to go places with so I'm gonna sit inside for a week and be a piece of shit :(

Snip I didnt realize I fucked up. Fml.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50651414]Predictable as fuck. My boss just called and said I have to get a doctor's note or I'm in deep shit basically. But here's the problem and here's where I fucked up: my health insurance will go away if they find out I have a job. I wont be covered anymore. So I lied and said I didn't have a job so I could recieve healthcare for free. This fucked me over because they didn't give me a doctor's note, and if I asked they'd say "why?" and I'd have to tell them what it's really for, in turn fucking up my health insurance. I'm gonna try to shedule a doctor's appointment and get a note but I could fuck up my health insurance. I am so fucked. I can't afford health insurance and If I'm gonna be let go... I'm freaking out. What's the point of trying anymore. This country is built against people like me.[/QUOTE] Fraud is fraud. You're gonna have to come clean eventually. I'm amazed you Americans are still having trouble getting free healthcare.

Yeah that's straight up insurance fraud afaik, which you could go to prison for, or at least be fined an exorbitant amount because of it.

Or both, depending on your laws. Get it sorted ASAP.

Here are some resources for healthcare while unemployed: [url]https://www.healthcare.gov/unemployed/coverage/[/url]

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;50651479]I ended up not sleeping at all last night and I reduced myself to tears. I really wish I could figure out who and why I am. I also really need to see if I can get free professional counselling. This is tormenting me and now it's affecting my daily routine which ive worked hard not to fuck it up.[/QUOTE] :c I hope you find yourself. I've been there. And I still experience some pretty shitty moods on occasion. It's not nice and I hope you figure out your problem.

I hear ya, I'm pretty much caffeine driven at the moment. I fucked up my sleep schedule so many times trough the course of the week is not even funny. Hopefully, my body will get used to the normal routine again tomorrow.

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;50651515]The whole gender fluid topic and how it made me realize that I was uncomfortable with myself and I still am and will probably be for a very long time I actually would rather be reborn at this point. I could of had help years ago. Denied it and oh boy regret that and that's demotivated me. Pretty sure I also made someone very close to me that I didn't want to worry, well worry too much about me.[/QUOTE] My best advice would be to explore the things that draw you towards them when it comes to gender. I started with using a feminine voice and identifying as female fulltime. Started buying a wardrobe last year to match my identity, and started hormones about 11 months ago. When it comes to trans issues and comfort, everyone is going to be vastly different so do what feels right and explore. [editline]5th July 2016[/editline] It might be worth pointing out that I'm an adult and that it's never too late to express your gender however you want.

Oh fuck I hate withdrawal, but at least I've finally believe in myself. OH FUCK FUCK FUCK, don't do drugs and especially opiates they are nasty as fuck in the end.

Ugh, why is my mood swinging so much today? [editline]5th July 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=DELL;50651605]Oh fuck I hate withdrawal, but at least I've finally believe in myself. OH FUCK FUCK FUCK, don't do drugs and especially opiates they are nasty as fuck in the end.[/QUOTE] Opiates aren't always bad. Just depends on what you're using them for. I used a synthetic opiate called co-codamol at the beginning of this year for a few days to take the edge off of the pain caused by pneumothorax that rendered me practically immobile. It's legal to buy, and addictive, but I didn't use it for long and I typically don't get addicted to things anymore. I've no real reason to use drugs. All my best wishes to you with dealing with your withdrawals.

Whenever I've looked into the matter, it seems the 'secret' to lasting happiness is deluding yourself into thinking you're already happy, with advice like "just keep smiling", "ignorance is bliss", and "be happy with what you've got" and such. I'm the sort of person who prefers raw truth to a comforting lie, and if that's the way to lasting happiness then I guess I don't want to ever be happy. Which is a depressing thought, so at least I know it's easy to carry on following it.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50651472]Here are some resources for healthcare while unemployed: [url]https://www.healthcare.gov/unemployed/coverage/[/url][/QUOTE] Shit I fucked myself over. I didn't really know. I didn't fully grasp what to do. My parents told me to say no. Fuck I'm giving up. I can't do this shit anymore. As soon as I feel better I'm fleeing the hell out of here I don't care anymore. I really honest to god can't take living with my family. I tried doing this the best and safest way but honestly I'm about to be screwed over big time. [editline]5th July 2016[/editline] Am I cursed or something? I must be. Like seriously, any small mistake I make gets me in serious shit. Any hard effort I put in gets me nowhere. The only thing I was able to control in my life was my weight loss.

[QUOTE=Sylvie;50651607] Opiates aren't always bad. Just depends on what you're using them for. I used a synthetic opiate called co-codamol at the beginning of this year for a few days to take the edge off of the pain caused by pneumothorax that rendered me practically immobile. It's legal to buy, and addictive, but I didn't use it for long and I typically don't get addicted to things anymore. I've no real reason to use drugs. All my best wishes to you with dealing with your withdrawals.[/QUOTE] I'm talking oxy and massive codeine abuse, plus I had stimulant abuse on top of it. Yeah after talking to a friend about these things, I'm going to talk to the doctor about good old rehab. As I know why I abuse it and getting off it doesn't work with parents being your pusher. WOOOO but oh well I'm gonna figure out something in the end.

[QUOTE=DELL;50652200]I'm talking oxy and massive codeine abuse, plus I had stimulant abuse on top of it. Yeah after talking to a friend about these things, I'm going to talk to the doctor about good old rehab. As I know why I abuse it and getting off it doesn't work with parents being your pusher. WOOOO but oh well I'm gonna figure out something in the end.[/QUOTE] Well whatever works for you my famalam. I just hope you become happier.

I hate being such a pussy. I am too scared to go through with suicide but honestly everything in my life is making me feel like its pointless to keep fighting. Fear is honestly the only thing that keeps me going. I have absolutely zero hope I'll be able to get a stable life. I can put in all the effort in the world and still see no progress. I feel like all of my hard work will be pointless. I haven't killed myself yet, Yay? I've made it this far but is it even worth trying anymore at this point???

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50652355]I hate being such a pussy. I am too scared to go through with suicide but honestly everything in my life is making me feel like its pointless to keep fighting. Fear is honestly the only thing that keeps me going. I have absolutely zero hope I'll be able to get a stable life. I can put in all the effort in the world and still see no progress. I feel like all of my hard work will be pointless. I haven't killed myself yet, Yay? I've made it this far but is it even worth trying anymore at this point???[/QUOTE] I'm inclined to say yes. But I don't know your situation. But you'll always have my support, random internet person.

I don't like how my life is going right now. It's not going to get better anytime soon. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

I don't know what to do, my anxiety leaves me crippled and unable to look for a job and my restlessness leaves me to look for alcohol to deal with life. My mom keeps hinting at throwing me out and wishing I wasn't around to weigh her down. I can't get therapy, the medification isn't working and any previous therapy didn't help. What do you do when you're 20 and you've been depressed for 8 years and never recieved adequate help? All I want is a job, anything at all, I know I can handle having one, but the thought of going around asking for employers, introducing myself and handing them my CV makes my mind go blank and my stomach sick. [editline]6th July 2016[/editline] I refuse to give into suicidal thinking, but how long can I keep making the people who love me suffer before we've all suffered enough