Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50734511]Yo you aren't terrible, maybe she's busy? Like I have the same worries about my friends, I'll leave them messages and then they'll never respond until weeks later. I get paranoid and assume I am annoying them but everytime I ask I'm assured they're just legitimatley busy.[/QUOTE] Of course, that worryness annoys me too, but another thing I'm coming to grips with my hypocrisy of how I'll bug someone else to no end wanting to talk to them, while if it's anyone else, I'll be like GET LOST I'M BUSY, even if they're bugging me like I'm bugging someone else.

[QUOTE=gnampf;50733169]I'm under the impression that nobody wants to talk to me because I bug them too much. Which sorta points out the hypocrite in me because I really like talking to this girl I met on a forum, but when another person from that forum tries to talk to me I get really annoyed because they're annoying me, while whenever I talk to someone I wanna talk to, I feel like I'm annoying them. I'm coming to the grips that I'm a terrible person.[/QUOTE] The way you can see when someone has been online and if they have read your message in WhatsApp is TERRIBLE. It bothers me so much. Like, if I ask someone "Hey, wanna hang out sometime?" and it shows they've read it, and have been online multiple times afterwards without responding, I get paranoid as shit. Am I that horrible? They hate me that much? I should just stop bothering them forever... And that's never the case. I just shouldn't look at it until I get a response. But I have to, I can't not look.

[QUOTE=SgtTupelo;50737174]The way you can see when someone has been online and if they have read your message in WhatsApp is TERRIBLE. It bothers me so much. Like, if I ask someone "Hey, wanna hang out sometime?" and it shows they've read it, and have been online multiple times afterwards without responding, I get paranoid as shit. Am I that horrible? They hate me that much? I should just stop bothering them forever... And that's never the case. I just shouldn't look at it until I get a response. But I have to, I can't not look.[/QUOTE] I want to agree to infinity.

I don't like being alone.. I have a feeling I'll always be alone.

I drove my only friend away from me I hate everything that i've become

Surreal experiences lately: I just re-connected with a "friend" in middle school who turned on me and bullied me badly because she thought she was too cool for me. Actually, she approached me. She is so desperate for friends, she's depressed because two of her friends died the day before her birthday and she's struggled with anorexia. She's been a legit model and did a serious gig but it haunts her to this day what the industry did to her. She added me on facebook and we chatted through messenger when I had time. A few days later, it was raining and she offered to give me a ride home from work, etc. She did and I was like "thank you man you saved my ass." Because I got my paycheck and It would have gotten soaked if I had walked home... she asked to hang out and I said "yeah lemme change my clothes real quick. We drove around, I met her boyfriend and we all drove around and talked. Apparently her boyfriend went to elementary school with me and remembers me being in his class. I don't remember him. It's weird [B][I]Guys, you think you wouldn't matter if you died, but the truth is you are probably estranged from your peers and need to do some re-connecting; even if you don't want to that's understandable... I garuntee you there's at least handfull of people for each and every single one of you who wonder what you are up to and how you are, be it people online, people you saw on the street, people you knew in school, etc.[/I][/B] The other day at the gym I ran into a girl who bullied me in elementary school, I approached her and she didn't recognize me. She had gained massive amounts of weight, I heard her mother passed away, and she has two kids. Oddly enough she's a personal trainer (for kids) at my gym. (GOALS tbh I wanna be a personal trainer) She wants to add me on facebook and catch up with me. It just felt weird that people are starting to turn to me for friendship after all the wrong shit they've done to me, and I don't decline because I realize that they may be genuine, and if not I can stand up for myself. They've been through rough shit and this world needs more understanding people.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;50737445]I don't like being alone.. I have a feeling I'll always be alone.[/QUOTE] Come join us at /r9k/, we'll be your family.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50738405]Surreal experiences lately: I just re-connected with a "friend" in middle school who turned on me and bullied me badly because she thought she was too cool for me. Actually, she approached me. She is so desperate for friends, she's depressed because two of her friends died the day before her birthday and she's struggled with anorexia. She's been a legit model and did a serious gig but it haunts her to this day what the industry did to her. She added me on facebook and we chatted through messenger when I had time. A few days later, it was raining and she offered to give me a ride home from work, etc. She did and I was like "thank you man you saved my ass." Because I got my paycheck and It would have gotten soaked if I had walked home... she asked to hang out and I said "yeah lemme change my clothes real quick. We drove around, I met her boyfriend and we all drove around and talked. Apparently her boyfriend went to elementary school with me and remembers me being in his class. I don't remember him. It's weird [B][I]Guys, you think you wouldn't matter if you died, but the truth is you are probably estranged from your peers and need to do some re-connecting; even if you don't want to that's understandable... I garuntee you there's at least handfull of people for each and every single one of you who wonder what you are up to and how you are, be it people online, people you saw on the street, people you knew in school, etc.[/I][/B] The other day at the gym I ran into a girl who bullied me in elementary school, I approached her and she didn't recognize me. She had gained massive amounts of weight, I heard her mother passed away, and she has two kids. Oddly enough she's a personal trainer (for kids) at my gym. (GOALS tbh I wanna be a personal trainer) She wants to add me on facebook and catch up with me. It just felt weird that people are starting to turn to me for friendship after all the wrong shit they've done to me, and I don't decline because I realize that they may be genuine, and if not I can stand up for myself. They've been through rough shit and this world needs more understanding people.[/QUOTE] It shows how life goes really. I met a few people recently i used to go to school with, and they are doing fine, one of them sorta bullied me but as he got older was nicer then i saw him the other day i havent had such a nice hug from someone in ages. We talked a lot, about the two main things from our school, that being someone got arrested not long ago and jailed for robbery and the other commited suicide. Shows how life goes really.

It sucks dick when you don't get attention or love at home and then you have to go through the entire week feeling like shit and such and being unable to express yourself to anyone because other people get upset when they hear you. I can't tell my friends about it because then they'll go away. I can't tell my mom or my brother because they're part of the problem, they will never listen and will probably blame it on me because I'm not cold enough or that I'm just exaggerating/have mental problems. I see my therapist once every two weeks and I get little time to speak to her. She is my 5th therapist and I'm starting to feel that she doesn't really care at all for my stuff. If nobody cares then what am I supposed to do to get attention? I see people here complain and call out anybody for "seeking for attention", then what are those people supposed to do? Grow attention from trees? Tough it up and go through life believing that they're worthless and miserable? Should I just go to the convenience store and be like "Hey, I'm looking for 300mg of attention, a dozen of love and like three care pills because shit is going so bad right now and I need help oh and while you're at it, put me one of those toughen-up cold drinks, it's the new trend nowadays". If you think I'm just "seeking for attention" then yes, I'm looking for attention. My neighbor ain't going to give me attention neither my brother, my father, my mother, my friends are going to give me that attention, love or care and I'm fully aware I cannot get all those things all by myself. Even if I people think I'm a badass tough guy who could beat 10 dudes all by himself. I'm aware I cannot tough this up all on my own and and no, it does not mean I'm weak or whatever bullshit you might want to call me. It's what I think people call being a rational human being and legitimately asking for help because you need it. When you're dehydrated because your body is out of water, you don't go and say "I'm gonna tough it up and keep running other 10 KMs because tough and cold people don't buy water" no, you go and get yourself some water, because you need it, it's a basic human need everyone needs water even animals and plants.

Yeah people really fucking suck in that regard, they don't quite understand mental health problems. For me I've just become cold as no one else can understand so I went with the fuck it I'm awesome and they are pussys. So I just express myself at every fucking person I meet or see because eh if you can't handle the real me then you're just a waste of time.

I always think about my problems around this time. Probably because I'm alone with my thoughts at night.

Just realized that I have multiple mental illnesses. I think it would be best for me and everyone if I just killed myself now.

There's two things that keep me from killing myself: - I would never hurt my friends and relatives - Just end it all may feel good, but to win the challenge and get a nice life is worth it

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;50743023]My neighbor ain't going to give me attention neither my brother, my father, my mother, my friends are going to give me that attention, love or care and I'm fully aware I cannot get all those things all by myself. [/QUOTE] That's some pretty shitty state of affairs. I tell you this much thought, you should probably consider cutting ties with your friends if you think they don't give a shit about you. Your friends don't need to constantly show affection torwards you but they souldn't make you feel lonely and ignored either.

I'm pretty much susceptible to panic attacks now for some reason. Seemingly out-of-the-blue full-blown panic attacks. I get lightheaded and feel like I'm going to faint while just sitting or doing stuff. It's weird because I feel the opposite at night; I can't sleep at night. I just feel like I'm sensitive to anything and it sets off some internal alarm, making me feel anxious and restless. I can't think of anything that's immediately making me worry, or something that would cause it. However, now it's me worrying about my health that's only making it worse. I used to have bad OCD, but the few years I finally felt invulnerable to it is probably coming back to bite me. Could it be psych issues resurfacing? I'm also ruling out if it's heart problems, but that's looking like it's a negative lead. It's just crazy how I am suddenly having these weird fits. I wish I knew what it was. It's been a little over a week since I started feeling weird, and it's kinda escalating

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;50744476]Just realized that I have multiple mental illnesses. I think it would be best for me and everyone if I just killed myself now.[/QUOTE] I've had 4 diagnoses since I was 7-10; you'll learn to adapt. It's not always easy but your really learn to live with it. You kinda practice methods with your mind. Social routines and formality.

-snip, i should keep things inside from now on, sorry-

I have nothing stopping me from killing myself. I don't have much to live for and little to lose. I'll probably die from suicide

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50744634]There's two things that keep me from killing myself: - I would never hurt my friends and relatives - Just end it all may feel good, but to win the challenge and get a nice life is worth it[/QUOTE]I find that a simple fear of death prevents me, in addition to the above. Not exactly keen to test the hypothesis of there being an afterlife, or more likely just a bleak cessation of existence. Downside being that I often have sleepless nights contemplating what ceasing to exist entirely entails, and the general fragility of life.

What the fuck. I'm so confused. I just slept for fucking 18 hours. FUCKING. 18 HOURS. I don't think I have ever slept this long. [editline]21st July 2016[/editline] I literally slept when it was day time, and woke up when it's day time o.o

[QUOTE=Arktomys;50748770]What the fuck. I'm so confused. I just slept for fucking 18 hours. FUCKING. 18 HOURS. I don't think I have ever slept this long. [editline]21st July 2016[/editline] I literally slept when it was day time, and woke up when it's day time o.o[/QUOTE] I did that for several years and it damaged my mental health. Now it's the complete opposite and I sleep around 0-3 a day (sometimes even 4 even). I've gotten used to feel like shit and force my body to do it's work. I also look like a schizo in my face.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50748828]I did that for several years and it damaged my mental health. Now it's the complete opposite and I sleep around 0-3 a day (sometimes even 4 even). I've gotten used to feel like shit and force my body to do it's work. I also look like a schizo in my face.[/QUOTE] I've also got a situation like this going on. I originally slept for 18 hours a day, then I slept for 12, now I just toss and turn and I'm lucky to get 8 hours in, when I wake up I am exhausted and I always look pale/ill.

[QUOTE=Reyjr43;50748844]I've also got a situation like this going on. I originally slept for 18 hours a day, then I slept for 12, now I just toss and turn and I'm lucky to get 8 hours in, when I wake up I am exhausted and I always look pale/ill.[/QUOTE] My psychologist and therapist recommended workout. I just started running 2000m every day on the evening (must be later on the day); they says it will help with the sleep, so we'll see about that. Also shouldn't eat before I go to sleep, which he said helps in the beginning but in the long run makes it worse. He offered me a meeting with a doctor for sleeping pills perscription, but I'd rather try the manual way first as I believe pills are the last option.

I only sleep around 3 hours

A great friend of mine who runs a stall at the local flea market that sells army stuff is getting a lot of flack because someone online is claiming that he's stealing valor and his achievements in the military were greatly exaggerated and showed someone's army files to back up their claim. Problem was, the guy had the same first name and last name as my friend, but a different middle name [I](let's say my friend's name is Bob Barry Bobmore, but the records are for Bob Bobby Bobmore for the sake of simplicity)[/I]. But nevertheless, people are buying it up. I emailed him and told him about the error and he constantly keeps telling me my friend never served in the army and unless I get records to prove otherwise, he's keeping those records up. But of course, he's completely ignoring the fact that, while knowing the guy's middle name [I](Barry)[/I], he chooses to have the other guy's [I](Bobby)[/I] files shown. The sleaziness of that is making me angry and the helplessness of not being able to do anything about it is making me feel helpless.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50748867]My psychologist and therapist recommended workout. I just started running 2000m every day on the evening (must be later on the day); they says it will help with the sleep, so we'll see about that. Also shouldn't eat before I go to sleep, which he said helps in the beginning but in the long run makes it worse. He offered me a meeting with a doctor for sleeping pills perscription, but I'd rather try the manual way first as I believe pills are the last option.[/QUOTE] I decided to try to not eat before I went to sleep, it feels like it may have helped because I didn't wake up feeling extremely tired, but I always have one off situations like this so I'll have to see if it helps for prolonged periods of time, it didn't help with my tossing and turning one bit.

On nights like these I feel like it'd be best if I did the world around me a favor, tied up a noose from my old belt, and let my fat ass hang from something that's preferably strong enough to not break under the weight; save the earth another carbon gas emitting millennial shitstain with anger issues and no future. My opinions are always going to be wrong, my future is always going to be bleak, and my life has been a confused mess of shouting and self hatred for as long as I can remember. And then in all of this I remember the way that I feel is the product of years of child abuse, that the reason I'm like this is from nearly two decades of conditioning and my anger redirects toward the people that hurt me growing up. If they had done their fucking job I wouldn't have to deal with these long nights, with the anger and hopelessness; the fact that if someone enters the room I have to stop myself from fucking jumping to my feet and finding a place to run and hide, or that whenever I hear a loud noise or shouting I start panicking and I'm brought back to when I was a little kid, when I spent every fucking day scared out of my mind of going home because I didn't know who my mom or dad was going to be that day, and if they hadn't already lost it by the time I got home then what was it that was going to set them off. And then I remember that both of my parents were fucked up by years of trauma and experienced abuse of their own and they tried their best whether one was homeless or the other was barely scraping by on just above minimum wage to take care of two kids that they weren't ready for. And then I get angry at myself for blaming everything on my parents and because I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit the cycle begins anew until I snap out of it because I've been through this countless times before and know that it's all wrong. I'm getting better at it, I've even been seeing a therapist, but on night's like these man it gets really fucking hard.

At least once a week I consider the benefits of suicide for my friends and loved ones. I could easily take the money in my savings account and put it in a will for them, and divvy it up to those who need it the most. I really don't know who to talk to about this.

[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;50754965]At least once a week I consider the benefits of suicide for my friends and loved ones. I could easily take the money in my savings account and put it in a will for them, and divvy it up to those who need it the most. I really don't know who to talk to about this.[/QUOTE] The benefit is being played up by you. there is no way that will really benefit them. Sir I think you need to focus on getting yourself better and being successful in your own way that would be the best benefit to them. As much as people suck and won't actually show or tell how they really feel, having a dead you is not something they would want to see happen. Anyone else here with Borderline Personality Disorder want to give me some advice on it?

I think I'd benefit a lot from moving out. my mood drops quite a lot when the family is home, I just can't take it. so many sounds from my little brother running around, my sister playing music or them watching a movie or something upstairs / listening to music. I just want silence. I feel limited in going out since there'll always be a response if I first do it. I don't feel like I can be home since I can't deal with all of these noises. I don't want to complain either since that's what I've been doing the last 5 years. I just want to move out. fuck school, I'd rather just go headfirst into work so I can move out.