Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

My uncle just hung himself because of depression, leaving behind my aunt and my two cousins behind. She has no means of income right now. Her son was just recovering in jail. We started a GoFundMe for her but that's all i could really do. This fucking sucks.

I feel like this isn't really a valid thing to be depressed about, sorry for my bitching but it's been driving me crazy. I must have developed some sort of body dysmorphia or something because I see myself as fat when everyone tells me I'm "too small" and "too fragile". There have been brief times where I look in the mirror and see this super tiny thin girl and then, I shit you not, 90% of the time I see myself heavier. I don't know if it's because the mirrors are flattering me or if I'm seeing myself fatter than I really am? Maybe my family is right about something, I may be developing anorexia or something. I mean my mom had it and I guess it can run in the family?? It's gotten to the point where my day revolves around counting calories and making sure I don't go over the limit. I get incredibly angered at myself if I eat over 1,200 or don't leave enough of a deficit. I had today off from work and was asked if I wanted to come in to work for extra hours and I declined [I]because I wanted to fix my body. I value my body and appearance over my ultimate goal which is to save up money and move out. It's litterally become my top priority.[/I] This is kinda bad. I don't love myself and I should. I feel like I won't love myself until I am "perfect"... I'm hellbent on looking model thin and it's driving me insane, but idk if it's anorexia or not because I am still eating.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50757233]I feel like this isn't really a valid thing to be depressed about, sorry for my bitching but it's been driving me crazy. I must have developed some sort of body dysmorphia or something because I see myself as fat when everyone tells me I'm "too small" and "too fragile". There have been brief times where I look in the mirror and see this super tiny thin girl and then, I shit you not, 90% of the time I see myself heavier. I don't know if it's because the mirrors are flattering me or if I'm seeing myself fatter than I really am? Maybe my family is right about something, I may be developing anorexia or something. I mean my mom had it and I guess it can run in the family?? It's gotten to the point where my day revolves around counting calories and making sure I don't go over the limit. I get incredibly angered at myself if I eat over 1,200 or don't leave enough of a deficit. I had today off from work and was asked if I wanted to come in to work for extra hours and I declined [I]because I wanted to fix my body. I value my body and appearance over my ultimate goal which is to save up money and move out. It's litterally become my top priority.[/I] This is kinda bad. I don't love myself and I should. I feel like I won't love myself until I am "perfect"... I'm hellbent on looking model thin and it's driving me insane, but idk if it's anorexia or not because I am still eating.[/QUOTE] You without a doubt have disordered eating. my girlfriend went through and is still recovering from an eating disorder and I also suffered from one when I was younger. I'm telling you right now even when you do get "model thin" it still wont be enough and you'll feel like losing more pounds. It doesn't just stop when you get to your ideal weight you will still have body dysmorphia. You won't start looking better until you learn to like how you look. Your heading down a dark path and I really don't want the same to happen to you.

So I messaged the girl I had so so much fun on that date with and asked how she was. She saw the message but no response in 6 hours, I really really REALLY feel like I fucked up now. This past week has already been a total nightmare, no car, lost my job when I told them my cars transmission blew, not a single ounce of support or "hope you are okay" from a single member of my family. I honestly wish I had the guts to kill myself, I really don't care anymore I'm so tired of everything falling through. The one thing I have going right for me as of now is that I purchased the SUV I've wanted for a while for a steal, it just needs a catalytic converter which will(SHOULD) be fairly easy and then I'll inspect it and get it registered. If that falls through somehow/someway I think at that point I'll have the guts to down enough of my prescriptions to just "sleep"

Maybe she's busy? Try not to overthink about it

[video=youtube;N_4cnUhQ6rs]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_4cnUhQ6rs[/video] Been playing Fallout 4 again, every time I hear this song it almost brings me to tears, it feels like everything being said fits so well with how I feel.

I slept all day and I'm still tired

Hasnt been a very great summer, even though there have definitely been some good parts. Beat up my roomate, still have the threat of assault and battery charges and or hospital bills over my ead, met a great girl and wifed her up only for me to break up with her and still feel crappy two weeks after I did, and lost my job that was 45 hours a week that kept me in a place away from all my friends. I just need to get the ball rolling again, and get laid lol. [editline]23rd July 2016[/editline] Like I wish she broke up with me, or used me, or cheated or something so I could just be angry but she didnt do anything to wrong me and was absolutely devastated that I broke up with her. I feel a mix of guilt, sadness and definitely regret.

The full time job I thought I'd secured doesn't look like it's gonna pan out. They called me the day after my interview, said that my application had been "approved" and that I'd be contacted by the hiring principal at the campus I applied to. That was the middle of June. And if I remember right, they told me that the job started on July 25th. So.. I guess it's not happening. And now I'm back to searching for an appropriate FT job. Really disappointed. But maybe something better will come along.

Woo. Winter (it's winter here ok) break has been treating me nicely. I'm happy and having a good time with my boyfriend. :smile:

[QUOTE=Pascall;50763861]The full time job I thought I'd secured doesn't look like it's gonna pan out. They called me the day after my interview, said that my application had been "approved" and that I'd be contacted by the hiring principal at the campus I applied to. That was the middle of June. And if I remember right, they told me that the job started on July 25th. So.. I guess it's not happening. And now I'm back to searching for an appropriate FT job. Really disappointed. But maybe something better will come along.[/QUOTE] Just give them a call and ask what has happened. No problems with asking simple questions.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;50764669]Just give them a call and ask what has happened. No problems with asking simple questions.[/QUOTE] Called twice and left multiple messages lol. Not much else I can do.

So I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety due to shit at home and I think my old anti-depressant was making it a lot worse. Do you guys ever feel like you want to just quit trying to take meds? Cuz I'm tired of medicine fucking me up like this and a part of me wants to just stop and see how long I last.

Not coping well right now. Tanked last Tuesday, I was gonna write a long post about it but, it's pointless. And more dramatic than it needed to be. I wanna cut out so bad, I can't seem to do anything right. Going in for knee surgery in a bit, going to have allllll this time alone for the next few months. Gonna be great. I'm sure I won't go crazy. And it'll be that much harder to off myself, hooray. Can't get my thoughts off failed relationships and friendships and my self-loathing climbed back up to its high. I envy them, they can leave. I can't stop being me.

I really feel like I've just fucked my life up too much at this point. I'm constantly depressed about my looks and my limited amount of skills (if I have any at all). I'm pretty much just a lazy fuck with no good future ahead. I honestly try to save face and make the most of it with my new job, but it's only making me feel even worse about where I am. The only thing I have going is my drawing, which has got me at gunpoint. I just feel like a total failure and I don't even see the point in trying to fix it anymore.

[QUOTE=destielbucky2;50765246]So I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety due to shit at home and I think my old anti-depressant was making it a lot worse. Do you guys ever feel like you want to just quit trying to take meds? Cuz I'm tired of medicine fucking me up like this and a part of me wants to just stop and see how long I last.[/QUOTE] No it took way too long for me to find one that works. I ain't fucking that up now, only took like 3 years but eh better late than never.

I am really not okay right now. I think I should end it right now I'll be better off dead. [editline]24th July 2016[/editline] What's the point in even living if I'm never going to be happy fuck it

Man i'm still afraid of that fucking vCJD shit and still tired as absolute fuck. I sleep like shit. I don't eat enough. I'm tired 24/7. I'm expecting new symptoms every day. You can't even begin to understand the number of tests i did : cerebral MRI, cervical MRI, doppler (soon), full neurological exam, full physical exam, standard blood test, extended blood test (including HIV and other tropical diseases), ear nose and throat exams (including rotating chair and optokinetic), in a span of two months i did more than some people in ten years. I still wonder how the specialists accepted to do all that so quickly. Yet i still feel like shit and like i'm suffering from [I]something[/I], be it vCJD or the beginning of multiple sclerosis. There's something horrible about having the impression that you're doing everything on automatic mode. Plus, i feel like everything i do is a "pretext". I don't know how to word it better, like i'm doing these things because [I]i used[/I] to do them. Like i had a life [I]before[/I] and this is my life now. It fucking sucks shit. Worst part is that i'm more active now than i ever was before. Before the apparition of these thoughts of anxieties i was FAR more sheltered than i am now. But my brain refuse to acknowledge that and give me my [I]reward[/I] (in form of happiness or moral boost, like congratulations you did this and that), no, i get the exact contrary, i feel even more like shit and my brain tells me i'm doing that as [I]a pretext[/I] to keep a semblant of life, like if i was acting, like i was trying to be like [I]before.[/I]

So I did it again. I made one of my best friends hate me because... I don't really know. I try to be there for her, but she never needs me, or even wanna talk with me anymore. But yesterday was fun, because I went to a concert. But I also realize that one of my other best friends hate me now too, most likely because I was cheering someone up, who added me on Facebook and when I woke up the next day, had blocked me. And it seems most people don't really care I breathe anymore. Myself included.

As it turns out, forgot to take my meds last night, yee-haw I'm a fucking idiot. Dunno why I'm ever surprised at myself being so, though. If there's ever a mistake to make, damn fucking sure I'll make it. I'm that special! Honestly, it seems like everything that makes me happy all depend on things beyond my control, namely people. Except the one thing. Pity it's so permanent. [QUOTE=Torjuz;50767700]So I did it again. I made one of my best friends hate me because... I don't really know. I try to be there for her, but she never needs me, or even wanna talk with me anymore. But yesterday was fun, because I went to a concert. But I also realize that one of my other best friends hate me now too, most likely because I was cheering someone up, who added me on Facebook and when I woke up the next day, had blocked me. And it seems most people don't really care I breathe anymore. Myself included.[/QUOTE] Give yourself time, rejection says more about the person doing the rejecting than the person being rejected. People move in and out of roles in our lives, sadly, but it also means new people will move into those coveted roles too. Someone does want you to keep breathing, if not someone in your life then definitely someone on here. [QUOTE=Crpto2007;50765884]I am really not okay right now. I think I should end it right now I'll be better off dead. [editline]24th July 2016[/editline] What's the point in even living if I'm never going to be happy fuck it[/QUOTE] There's gotta be something that makes you happy. Oftentimes it's obscured for one reason or another, embarrassment or feeling like you should be interested in something else, but there's gotta be something you can sink your time into that'll move your mind from this. I should probably really be trying to take my own advice.

Fuck it, I'm out. I'm done.

[QUOTE=Minimole;50758204]You without a doubt have disordered eating. my girlfriend went through and is still recovering from an eating disorder and I also suffered from one when I was younger. I'm telling you right now even when you do get "model thin" it still wont be enough and you'll feel like losing more pounds. It doesn't just stop when you get to your ideal weight you will still have body dysmorphia. You won't start looking better until you learn to like how you look. Your heading down a dark path and I really don't want the same to happen to you.[/QUOTE] I don't know how to learn to love myself. Like I feel like once I get a perfect body and a girlfriend I'll be fine. I guess not having a girlfriend and seeing how many lesbians are "ugly" (90% of them) impacts me so badly it makes me want to be the best. I feel like to get the best I have to be the best. It's immature, I feel entitled to a girlfriend because I've worked hard to make my body look good.

[QUOTE=Gar;50768668]Fuck it, I'm out. I'm done.[/QUOTE] Told myself that 16 times. One time I didn't have the balls for it, and the last time I survived it.

Hey guys, first time posting here. I'm just really frustrated with my progress. After my second hospitalization I've been in a therapy program that meets for 6 hours a day 5 days a week for over two months, and I still can't make it through a day without feeling bad for no reason and wanting to kill myself. None of the medicines have worked and my psychiatrist has been talking about stuff like ECT or a residential thing and I'm just really scared and tired right now.

[QUOTE=Gar;50768668]Fuck it, I'm out. I'm done.[/QUOTE] I remember being stable enough to know not to make posts like this because the courage to do anything just isn't there :v: Oh well, here we are. I honestly don't know if it's just the stress of the surgery coming up or what but holy wow, the sheer instability of my mood and thoughts and actions and everything in between hit a high today that I wasn't expecting despite being a downer for almost a full week. This cycle is so destructive. I pushed someone away because I was so sure they were going to leave anyway. I just don't know why it's so hard to see that, if I hate myself everyone else will hate me too. So... if I love myself, wouldn't at least the people who matter follow suit too? I think I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow.

[QUOTE=Gar;50767873]Give yourself time, rejection says more about the person doing the rejecting than the person being rejected. People move in and out of roles in our lives, sadly, but it also means new people will move into those coveted roles too. Someone does want you to keep breathing, if not someone in your life then definitely someone on here[/QUOTE] Thanks, but I already miss them dearly, and I haven't slept properly for like a month because I'm worried. Fuck me, why does it always turn out like this...

Anyone have experience coming off wellbutrin/bupropion? It was increasing my appetite, and now eating stuff is nauseating without it. Can I expect that to stick around? It's been a week or two.

[QUOTE=4444;50770525]Anyone have experience coming off wellbutrin/bupropion? It was increasing my appetite, and now eating stuff is nauseating without it. Can I expect that to stick around? It's been a week or two.[/QUOTE] Funny, I had nausea and dizziness on it, and had small dizzy spells for weeks after I stopped it. It sucks, but I think you just have to be patient.

[QUOTE=SamPerson123;50769897]Hey guys, first time posting here. I'm just really frustrated with my progress. After my second hospitalization I've been in a therapy program that meets for 6 hours a day 5 days a week for over two months, and I still can't make it through a day without feeling bad for no reason and wanting to kill myself. None of the medicines have worked and my psychiatrist has been talking about stuff like ECT or a residential thing and I'm just really scared and tired right now.[/QUOTE] >residential places for people with depression are a fucking nightmare. I was 7 years old and being beaten and bullied at home and in school and I developed some major fucking problems, crying spells made a teacher concerned, they asked me if I would ever hurt myself and I responded with "idk" because I was 7 and I didn't fucking know what suicide meant. They wanted to keep me in a mental hospital. That's no fucking way to live. I'm sorry but they throw people with depression in with all the other mental illnessess so you'll see some scary violent shit like grown men beating on the councelors and bashing their heads in until they bleed. Not to mention you'll see physically fucked up and disabled kids who are tied to tables and chairs for the rest of their lives breathing out of a tube and moaning, drooling, and screaming in agony, half of them are vegetables. But that was just my fucking experience. I was drugged up on anti depressants at age seven and I've been off of them for 3-5 years now and my life is much less cloudy. I still suffer but IDK. [editline]25th July 2016[/editline] [B]The mental health system treats us like sickly animals. Shove chemicals and drugs down our throat and lock us up or kill us off so they don't have to deal with us. [/B] [editline]25th July 2016[/editline] Makes me want to vomit whenever I think of shit I've been told by family, peers, teachers, and therapists... "Oh sweetie u need mental help! :)" or "Sweetie u just havent had the right medication yet! :)" or "mental hospitals seem like a good place 4 u. theres ppl just like u there. :)" "sweetie just stop and let it go. :)" If it were that fucking easy there would be no depression. Dumbasses.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50757233]I feel like this isn't really a valid thing to be depressed about, sorry for my bitching but it's been driving me crazy. I must have developed some sort of body dysmorphia or something because I see myself as fat when everyone tells me I'm "too small" and "too fragile". There have been brief times where I look in the mirror and see this super tiny thin girl and then, I shit you not, 90% of the time I see myself heavier. I don't know if it's because the mirrors are flattering me or if I'm seeing myself fatter than I really am? Maybe my family is right about something, I may be developing anorexia or something. I mean my mom had it and I guess it can run in the family?? It's gotten to the point where my day revolves around counting calories and making sure I don't go over the limit. I get incredibly angered at myself if I eat over 1,200 or don't leave enough of a deficit. I had today off from work and was asked if I wanted to come in to work for extra hours and I declined [I]because I wanted to fix my body. I value my body and appearance over my ultimate goal which is to save up money and move out. It's litterally become my top priority.[/I] This is kinda bad. I don't love myself and I should. I feel like I won't love myself until I am "perfect"... I'm hellbent on looking model thin and it's driving me insane, but idk if it's anorexia or not because I am still eating.[/QUOTE] I can kinda relate and I find it pretty hard to really trust my family on the fact that I "shouldn't lose more weight" and that I'm "too thin". it's kinda hard to value their opinion when they're not that thin themselves and yeah, the goal is to have a better looking body than the average so maybe in their eyes I am too thin when compared to the average? I feel confident in myself that I'll be able to stop before I get unhealthily thin as being too thin in itself is even worse looking than being fat if you ask me. in the end I'm not sure if I can relate too much. I count calories everyday and I've been doing it for soon a year, it's not something that really bothers me. my days don't revolve around it since it's part of my daily routine, happens automatically. eating over my deficit is a pain but hey, today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow right? what do you suspect? do you heavily suspect that you have a eating disorder or is it just a thought that has appeared because of what everyone else says? either way, it should of course be taken seriously so you have the chance to prevent it before its too big of a problem. perhaps get some "safety" measures to ensure you don't go too deep? while BMI isn't 100% reliable, I tend to check mine every now and then just to ensure I'm within the healthy region. I'd start questioning my weight if I reach underweight. I also have faith that the folks over at the "Weightlifting/Bodybuilding" thread will call me out on being too thin at one point as I love sharing progress pics when I've lost a fair amount. it's a lot easier to value their opinion since they're in a different mindset than my family. they want to have a rocking body while my family is okay with average.