Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I'll probably end up doing it again because some days I can't bare the depression. It doesn't help that nobody would care anyway. I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore if I were to die. I actually want to

i am going to disembowel myself

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50786464]Anyone here ever tried to take their life, or survived an attempt?[/QUOTE] the closest I get was last new years eve while drunk. I don't remember exactly why I was so upset, but I ended up going for a walk to clear my head. sat down at a school in the middle of the night and figured I'd go jump off a bridge and down a waterfall in the forest nearby. I remember thinking that this was the night I'd die, but something in me stopped me in my tracks. I made myself a promise. as long as I have any social ties, I won't kill myself, I promised myself. so far the promise has worked and I haven't really had any suicidal thoughts since except for once. pretty similar situation really, it was in the middle of the night and I felt like I had lost all social ties. luckily I didn't get as far as thinking "I'll kill myself" so I just went for a long ass walk and called the suicide hotline (who funnily enough never answered despite me sitting on hold for over an hour)

I'm officially fucking dying. I don't know if it's vCJD or another auto-immune or neurological abomination, but one thing is sure : the tiredness i feel is unlike anything i've experienced before. It literally forces me to lie down. Feels like life is sucked out of me both physically and mentally. Shit was so intense that i thought i was gonna pass out in the bus. Couple that with soreness in my legs and thighs like i squatted heavy weights the previous day (while i didn't do, in fact, jack shit) and basically i'm toasted. The worst part is that it will keep getting downward from there, and nobody can tell me why a 25 years old male went in the span of two months from active and sportive to almost bedridden. It's like i actually have to be in a vegetative state and drool on them in order for these fucking wannabe "specialists" to find something. Fuck them, they don't deserve the money they receive. Watching yourself deprecating days after days like a rotten fruit is worse than fucking death, especially when you have a clear idea of what you have but nobody want or accept to hear it.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50786464]Anyone here ever tried to take their life, or survived an attempt?[/QUOTE] So many times, I have sorta lost count. When I was younger(9-12) I tried to hang myself from my bunkbed with a belt, and stopped doing it once I lost the bunkbed. Around the 7th grade, I got into a huge quarrel on a school bus with some girls who told me that I should "Go commit suicide like your uncle did!" and when I raised a fist to them, and told them if they ever dare make the same comment, I'd see no foul in knocking their teeth in. I ended up getting kicked off the bus we were on, and ended up walking two miles home in Arizona's lovely heat. Ended up staying home the next day to cool my head(also got the flu), and found out the next day, that had I entered the campus, I would of been most likely of been sacked by some heavily armed police officers who were tipped off by the same girls, that I was going to make a bomb and blow up the school. Mind you this was right after Virginia Tech, so everyone was quiet timid regarding these types of things. Either way, I ended up losing my backpack as I had been forced to leave it on the bus while getting kicked off, and when I went to ask around the principals office, I was told they didn't have it but I needed to stay for a counseling. Next thing I know, I was detained for Disturbing the Peace and Disruption of a Public Education Facility. They also intended on tagging me for wasting the police's time, but later backed off when they got a full picture of the story and why I reacted. Either way though, the situation was "too much" for the principal at the time, and I was kicked out of school for a month, had all my days reduced from leaving school at 1530 hours to 1130 hours. Lost all my favorite classes - such as being disallowed from doing Physical Education and Art, as well as numerous things like Science and Social Studies and because of such I pretty quickly slumped into a really bad depression. After some failed attempts to suffocate myself with a plastic bag, I decided to try and take my life with an air rifle I used for hunting, with some modified "explosive" pellets that I found out how to make online. This was prevented after a girl I talked to on Gaia Online, had become worried about how I sounded while we were talking over MSN Messenger, and she decided to first attempt to call my cellphone and I wouldn't pick up, and then ended up spamming my texts until I finally responded. She was in a panic, but managed to keep a cool head to talk me down from offing myself, and saying that everything could get better, and I just needed to think positive. In order to make sure I kept a promise to not harm myself, she asked me to swear an oath to her, that I wouldn't harm myself and wouldn't dare harm her by causing her any more emotional pain as I had earlier on. Said promise is still kept to this very day, and come later this year, I'm going to her wedding. If I have it may way, it'll remain an oath to my dieing day, and it'll lead down to her children as a matter of repayment for all the things she has done for me. Even though I managed to keep a somewhat stable mood, I eventually needed to find an escape and started exploring drugs, therapy, psychiatry... All sorts of shit. It took me roughly eight years to find myself again, and even now, I still feel really fucking lost and without a clue on where I'm going or what I intend on doing with myself. I refuse to take my own life, but I would not have an issue with being euthanized as it would mean a sense of closure on my own terms. The one bit of advice I can give you is that you shouldn't try to chase after psychological tornadoes, and attempt to better understand them by being inside of them. You are better trying to study it logically from the outside and make observations on a cool head. When it comes to suicide in general, being euthanized if you have a persistent medical issue that'll never change is fine. Suicide by your own hand though will always leave people with questions, and for those who try to keep you above the water, it can possibly lead them down the same road.

So I just recently realized the stuff I've been taking to deal with my panic attacks is Diazepam , which is the pills Snake took to keep his aim steady when fihjting sniper wolf You gotta find the little things that make you happy

i hate myself i hate myself i wanna keep saying this over and over but what's even the point i make everyone around me feel like garbage and i can't even cope with my own problems enough to toughen up and help out the ones i love. so many people have abused me in the past and left me when i was vulnerable so anytime i hear the phrase "i'm here for you" or "i'm never gonna leave your side" i automatically think it's a lie. that they're playing with me. even when it's from the handful of people i trust most and it hurts so much because i've heard that so many many times in the past from best friends to family members to people that i shouldn't ever want to see or hear from again but..i don't know. i'm just so tired and i wanna give up everything on one hand i wanna be alone and hurt myself all the time but on the other hand i'm afraid of losing people and not living long enough to see things get better. i just feel like a waste of space and a good-for-nothing. that's all i ever feel like people see in me. that's all -i- ever see in me i just wanna run away from everything. start over. rewind. anything to get rid of the hurt and only keep the good

So, it isnt cancerous. So i'm slighty more at ease, it's quite a good spot apparently (Theres good spots for tumours apparently, i know what they meant though) So it should be some sessions and then surgery some point in the future. I had family members in the past die of Brain Tumour, my grandmother did. Other than that, i havent done anything these past few weeks besides sleep and not eat. I've lost a fair bit of weight and havent gone out atall.

I've come out as trans to my entire immediate family and it's really helped me get my motivation to do things back and it's very probably helping me with getting out of depression in general just around an hour ago I spontaneously started crying in joy for the first time in at least a year I'm just really happy right now

Haven't posted on here in a while! Keep going everyone, I know it might feel hopeless right now, but you will get to where you want to be. Keep up the hard work, and even if you feel that other people aren't proud of you for that "little" task of you getting out of bed (or whatever else) today, then just make sure that YOU feel proud of yourself for doing that. No body else matters. :smile: [editline]30th July 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;50778144]Recently when I get panic attacks or depressive episodes I take a nap and I always feel like I'm outsmarting my brain like haha you think you can stress me out guess what bitch you're asleep[/QUOTE] Sometimes a nap is all you need. You'd be surprised how much sleep deprivation takes a toll on mental and physical health. Sleep is paramount - though in moderation of course.

[QUOTE=MxOAgentJohnson;50795160]So, it isnt cancerous. So i'm slighty more at ease, it's quite a good spot apparently (Theres good spots for tumours apparently, i know what they meant though) So it should be some sessions and then surgery some point in the future. I had family members in the past die of Brain Tumour, my grandmother did. Other than that, i havent done anything these past few weeks besides sleep and not eat. I've lost a fair bit of weight and havent gone out atall.[/QUOTE] They saw the spots in MRI ? Also you have all my sympathy even if isn't worth much.

I lost my job. What's the fastest way to die? A moving train sounds nice. It's quick and only lasts like, 1 second. [editline]30th July 2016[/editline] I'm an insecure moron. I hate how I look so much it's not even funny. Like my insecurity is SO bad I had a mental breakdown over my appearance and freaked out. I lost the ability to function in society because of my hatered towards my appearance, this is pathetic.

[QUOTE=Drk;50800423]They saw the spots in MRI ? Also you have all my sympathy even if isn't worth much.[/QUOTE] I mean it as in it was a good spot for the tumour to be in, more accessible in surgery and away from anything risky. Guess they said that to me as a confidence booster but in all honesty i would rather just go through with it and hear actual good news rather than hopeful news.

I've taken up smoking like a train, it's pretty much took up the place of cutting myself up instead. Less visible anyway. Honestly want to off myself, I never tried, but I'm just so tired.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50800675]I lost my job. What's the fastest way to die? A moving train sounds nice. It's quick and only lasts like, 1 second. [editline]30th July 2016[/editline] I'm an insecure moron. I hate how I look so much it's not even funny. Like my insecurity is SO bad I had a mental breakdown over my appearance and freaked out. I lost the ability to function in society because of my hatered towards my appearance, this is pathetic.[/QUOTE] why not change your appearance then?

Clearing out my friendslist on steam made me realize how little I kept contact with people, went from 150 to 20, with 90% only remaining on because I knew them in real life, but aren't technically friends. It's more like my acquaintance list now, save 3 people. Which is depressing.

[QUOTE=sweetbro;50803650]why not change your appearance then?[/QUOTE] I've tried to. I lost tons of weight over the years, tried changing up my clothing style, and tried makeup... I still feel ugly.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50806721]I've tried to. I lost tons of weight over the years, tried changing up my clothing style, and tried makeup... I still feel ugly.[/QUOTE] Haven't read your previous posts, so this might be irrelevant (also my english suck). It's like when you've done something emberassing and you can't stop thinking about it, ever after 10 years. But still, you're the only one who remembers it - unless you're Lord of the Rings ugly. According to your profile you're 18, and I can tell you that the older people get, the less they care about apperance, just succeed with your life with a stable job, clean apartment, and do regular social stuff; and people in the surroundings will draw towards you (it's not like the early high school/college years). You're stepping into a new level, and therefore your mentality must (and will naturaly) adapt to it. Your feelings however may not change unless something benefits you socialy, or you learn to accept yourself. In each culture we have different value-system and norms, and the way the media has changed each sociologic factor to make us compare and judge ourselves by self-aware to others; chasing a dream of self-image as a successfull lifestyle or the key for acceptance (which is an illusion). One day you'll tell yourself "That's it, I must move on (or change)", and you fail. Second time it'll be the same path until your mind actually commits itself to accept it's current position. Some people become obsessed and spend full-time trying to fix this, and after a while they feel worse (it's like an endless hunting season for the same prey). Your position is affected by the surrounding's requirement(s), but it is yourself who's supposed to set the requirements, don't bend towards other's will. You are who you are, so make the best out of it. If you're good at something, be good at it, or help others: and soon people will like you more than anyone else. Ex: Have you ever loved a girl who's pretty damn ugly but she's such a lovely interresting person so you can't stop thinking about here? Kind of like that except not every 50 year old man wants to kiss you.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50806841]Haven't read your previous posts, so this might be irrelevant (also my english suck). It's like when you've done something emberassing and you can't stop thinking about it, ever after 10 years. But still, you're the only one who remembers it - unless you're Lord of the Rings ugly. According to your profile you're 18, and I can tell you that the older people get, the less they care about apperance, just succeed with your life with a stable job, clean apartment, and do regular social stuff; and people in the surroundings will draw towards you (it's not like the early high school/college years). You're stepping into a new level, and therefore your mentality must (and will naturaly) adapt to it. Your feelings however may not change unless something benefits you socialy, or you learn to accept yourself. In each culture we have different value-system and norms, and the way the media has changed each sociologic factor to make us compare and judge ourselves by self-aware to others; chasing a dream of self-image as a successfull lifestyle or the key for acceptance (which is an illusion). One day you'll tell yourself "That's it, I must move on (or change)", and you fail. Second time it'll be the same path until your mind actually commits itself to accept it's current position. Some people become obsessed and spend full-time trying to fix this, and after a while they feel worse (it's like an endless hunting season for the same prey). Your position is affected by the surrounding's requirement(s), but it is yourself who's supposed to set the requirements, don't bend towards other's will. You are who you are, so make the best out of it. If you're good at something, be good at it, or help others: and soon people will like you more than anyone else. Ex: Have you ever loved a girl who's pretty damn ugly but she's such a lovely interresting person so you can't stop thinking about here? Kind of like that except not every 50 year old man wants to kiss you.[/QUOTE] I was with a girl who (In my opinion) was stunning, like LEAGUES above me, or atleast what i felt was leagues above me. It was being with her for 2 years until i realised it wasnt how i looked, it was just how i was and how we were etc. Then i stopped caring about how i looked compared to others and started feeling better in regards to my appearance. Its ok to hate things about yourself, but when it eats you up to the extent it is IJNOMED it's hard to leave that cycle. Like, i hate my nose, but it's something i just eventually got over and dont think about anymore.

I can't do it. Over the last week my self-worth has dropped to zero and I'm sad that I can't do anything right. Offing myself would be terrible. I don't want to do it. I just wish there was a way to stop time for a long while to just sleep and wake up exactly where you left off, but there's no such thing. I have so many obligations with no current payoff. I'm doing lots and lots of stressful work at home with many more people asking me for huge favors and it's extremely stressful and it hurts me so much. I've told people I'd get things done -weeks- ago when my mental health was better than it is now. I'm living off of one big paycheck from last year because I happened to have friends in the right places in my current work, but only big enough to help me get by by living with someone else. My mom just called me saying I have a huge doctor's bill from the new doctor I signed up for and I just can't pay it off without losing everything of what I have left. I've been living on this one paycheck since november and I'm down to my last fourth of it. If I can't find a job by the end of the Summer, I'm fucking screwed. I'm gonna be screwed because of my own inability to grow up and get over my ptsd, my anxieties, my depression...My inability to do anything. I can't do anything right. Dreams can only be that. Dreams. I'm so tired. I've been doing this for four years. With no promise of pay. I feel so dumb and useless. I wanna drop everything. I wanna DO everything as well. I just can't. I wanna live stable without hurting people emotionally or financially. So many things that I can't do. I'm useless. I'm useless and I'm scared. I was silly for thinking doing what I do could get me somewhere, now it's my number one source of stress and I can't escape it because I gotta keep believing it's gonna get me to a better place. It's hard to believe anything anymore. I wanna sleep for a long, long time. This sadness hurts. The illnesses hurt. I'm getting grey hairs over this at such a young age and I feel much, much older than I am now and it hurts so much. I wish everything would stop fucking hurting. I can't do this anymore.

Is there anything wrong with being 21 and never had a girlfriend? I know the answer is going to be no because why would anyone outright on here tell me yes and then proceed to insult me but really.. I want to know exactly why it is or isn't. I constantly feel up and down over it and it's killing me. I fear 24/7 (esp when i'm bored, out of my mind at work) that I will be alone my whole life because I can just so easily imagine my future and how my interactions with women will be. I know how I am.. I know women vary just like men. People vary, people are different but how many girls that don't mind guys like me are out there? I try to tell myself all the time to just forget it because I feel like worrying about it only makes things worse but I also feel like if I don't worry about then I may do nothing about it and nothing will change. I feel like if I actively seek it, i'll come off as desperate and needy. Do I NEED to get a girlfriend now? Or is it fine if I wait? Do I need to get one ASAP before it's too late? [sp] my brain is up and down 24/7, sometimes I want to kill myself, sometimes i'm doing great. Sometimes, i wanna walk off my shift, walk home and shoot myself[/sp]

[QUOTE=Episode;50808939][sp] my brain is up and down 24/7, sometimes I want to kill myself, sometimes i'm doing great. Sometimes, i wanna walk off my shift, walk home and shoot myself[/sp][/QUOTE] Solve this before you worry about finding a girlfriend. For finding a girlfriend just make friends with girls and get one of them to set you up with someone or if you click with one of them ask them out.

[QUOTE=DELL;50808982]Solve this before you worry about finding a girlfriend. For finding a girlfriend just make friends with girls and get one of them to set you up with someone or if you click with one of them ask them out.[/QUOTE] That's the problem, i'm suicidal over what I just went over. How do I get over it by not doing what I want/need? On top of that, how do you solve depression?

[QUOTE=Episode;50809033]That's the problem, i'm suicidal over what I just went over. How do I get over it by not doing what I want/need? On top of that, how do you solve depression?[/QUOTE] Go see a psychiatrist, also you can still meet people without getting a girlfriend. Gotta think about the fact a relationship is a commitment which if you got these issues you're putting more work on top. Not to say it can't work as I'm attempting to do both. However the girl has the same issues and we are very alike like scary alike. Of course that wouldn't be possible if I wasn't on meds and going to a psych.

I feel like I'm getting more depressed as the days go by. Life just seems really meaningless to me and I don't want to live anymore. I just want to be happy [editline]1st August 2016[/editline] I'm just really tempted to overdose right now

i love all of you

I made stupid fucking mistakes, as usual.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;50806721]I've tried to. I lost tons of weight over the years, tried changing up my clothing style, and tried makeup... I still feel ugly.[/QUOTE] Ya know, you could always go to the lifting/bodybuilding thread of this forum subsection since they offer some good advice there for whatever type of training you're currently doing. Be gaining muscle or losing weight.

I'm going to stop taking naltrexone because one of the side effects is depression. I don't really need it anymore anyway. I was prescribed it to prevent alcohol cravings but I no longer get cravings so I'm good

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;50820803]I'm going to stop taking naltrexone because one of the side effects is depression. I don't really need it anymore anyway. I was prescribed it to prevent alcohol cravings but I no longer get cravings so I'm good[/QUOTE] Id recommend talking to your GP before you decide to do anything like that, you may need to be weaned off of it.