Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;48860500]I was fine a few minutes ago now I feel bad [editline]8th October 2015[/editline] I just burned myself and I barely even felt it. I needed to focus on something else other than the emotional pain and that didn't even work[/QUOTE] I try and use physical pain to dull the emotional pain, too.

I contacted the driving instructor I know about, but it was through email, hopefully that's a start in the right direction. I fear I missed some questions or information somewhere but it's whatever I guess.

I kind of regret doing that though. The upper part of my arm is already fucked up from burn scars. I mean really bad scars. I didn't do that to myself though it happened from my job. I just made it worse by burning myself. I just figured since its been months since the burns and the scars haven't gone away nobody would notice if i got burned in the same spot.

I feel like an asshole to everyone around me, either I worry I talk too little with some people or talk too much with others and I'm also very afraid of accidentally being rude without realizing it.

im thinking of finding a new job because i don't want to see this girl anymore. I try to avoid her but its hard when you work with her.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;48862154]im thinking of finding a new job because i don't want to see this girl anymore. I try to avoid her but its hard when you work with her.[/QUOTE] Ouch, bad idea to start with. I hate to say it, but you should -never- date where you work, because shit can go so wrong fast if it fails, and then crap get's all awkward when you do separate from the other person. It's like that saying don't shit where you eat.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;48862055]I kind of regret doing that though. The upper part of my arm is already fucked up from burn scars. I mean really bad scars. I didn't do that to myself though it happened from my job. I just made it worse by burning myself. I just figured since its been months since the burns and the scars haven't gone away nobody would notice if i got burned in the same spot.[/QUOTE] At first I regretted what I did, but after a few times I realized it made me feel better and nothing else was, so who cares what others think.

[QUOTE=kijji;48858082]I don't feel like I'm fighting it, I'm still not doing anything to make me a more productive member of society. It doesn't help that depression is a disability; yes, it disables me to do shit to my fullest, but knowing that it's a disability is eurgh. I feel my problems aren't as important as others' as well.[/QUOTE] You're still here, so you are fighting it, It may not seem like much, but it is. And problems are relative, theyre important to you, because they are happening to you, just because someone somewhere in the world might be worse off from you, it doesn't invalidate what you're going through or make it any less.

I burned the fuck out of my arm even more. I'll just wear long sleeve shirts for now.

Christ. I had like a 3000+ word post written up, realized no one gives a shit nor wants to read an essay, and got rid of all of it. My on-again, off-again, now-off-for-good ex is confusing me, hurting me, and abusing me. I don't understand it nor do I know what to do about it. I would get rid of her for good but the fact of the matter is I have absolutely no one else in my life to talk to seriously and confide in, and the thought of being alone again for good and being forced to draw back in to myself makes me vomit. It really does make me puke. I'm going to kill myself eventually anyways, but that would force me to do it a lot sooner than I have planned. I don't have it in me to go through that again. I don't like being forced to make decisions like that, though.

Going to bury dad on sunday

i went to the store to buy smokes a few minutes ago and since I was there I wanted to buy beer. The guy at the counter already knew I was drunk and was asking why I was smiling so much because I never smile. He asked if I was sick and I replied maybe. I over drank tonight and barely ate. Why can't I just die

[QUOTE=Apollo;48863431]Christ. I had like a 3000+ word post written up, realized no one gives a shit nor wants to read an essay, and got rid of all of it. My on-again, off-again, now-off-for-good ex is confusing me, hurting me, and abusing me. I don't understand it nor do I know what to do about it. I would get rid of her for good but the fact of the matter is I have absolutely no one else in my life to talk to seriously and confide in, and the thought of being alone again for good and being forced to draw back in to myself makes me vomit. It really does make me puke. I'm going to kill myself eventually anyways, but that would force me to do it a lot sooner than I have planned. I don't have it in me to go through that again. I don't like being forced to make decisions like that, though.[/QUOTE] Having been in a similar thing, for 7 years, getting rid of her is the best thing you can do, really. I put up with so much crap over 7 years, simply because I was afraid of being alone, but then I realised that even though I'd be unhappy alone, it would be miles better than staying in the relationship. And you know what, it was better without her.

Last night has been the longest I've ever slept (5-6 hours) since a month or so ago. But that might be because I'm struck down with the flu yet again... I dunno :v:

The thought of killing myself has become unreal. I know I'll never be happy again. I'm unable to focus on anything. I don't know what happened but it's like a switch has been turned. I can't sleep or eat. I don't know how this happened to me. I've lost all hope and I don't trust anyone or myself even. I can't explain the way I feel but it's all going to end by choice or not. It's to late for change because I literally cannot explain how I feel. I'm not going to kill myself but within a awhile it will eventually happen to me.

[QUOTE=RayvenQ;48863660]Having been in a similar thing, for 7 years, getting rid of her is the best thing you can do, really. I put up with so much crap over 7 years, simply because I was afraid of being alone, but then I realised that even though I'd be unhappy alone, it would be miles better than staying in the relationship. And you know what, it was better without her.[/QUOTE] I want to believe that will hold true for me as well but I don't think I have it in me anymore. We were supposed to be through, and hadn't talked in months, until she came out of nowhere basically just to harass me. We can't even have a normal conversation anymore, despite my best efforts. She'll do stuff like ask if I still have feelings her out of nowhere (she has a new boyfriend, which is whatever, I doubt he'll be around long once he gets wise to her) and then insult me when I am honest about it. I do still love her. It's not like the good times never happened. It's not like I loved her for no reason. I certainly love her less than I used to, but there is always going to be love there. But I never bring it up in the first place, man. She's the one who does. Then she tells me she has no feelings for me, at all, whatsoever. I don't know what to believe. It seems weird to me that we could do all of these things together, and make these memories, and say we love each other when that's not something that comes easy to me, only for her to say no feelings are there whatsoever. And she says stuff like that, but then she sent me a topless picture of herself completely unprompted. It's all "artsy" or whatever, but it's a topless photo. Like, what the hell am I supposed to take from any of this? She tried bullying me again today, but I told her to stop abusing me, and that I sure as hell don't deserve it. I don't actually believe that, considering I must attract the kind of women I do for a reason, but I said it all the same. It really hurt her feelings. She said no one has ever called her abusive before, like she was in shock that such an accusation would be leveled at her, and it made her "feel even worse." She hasn't talked to me since then. It didn't feel good to do that. I've been doing my best to be mature and reasonable. This is all putting such a damper on me and I have enough issues as it is.

Do people actually become fucked up or are we just born this way? I'm only 18 and as far as I can remember I've been depressed, I had bad anxiety issues, I have unmedicated ADHD which makes doing anything a pain in the ass, and I really don't ever see myself getting better. From the outside looking in, I guess most people would say I'm fucked up because my mom died when I was 13 but as far as I can remember, I've been fucked up long before then and my mom's death didn't really affect my life at all.

i hope I pass away soon. I think soon though. I know there is no happiness to be found in my life. I can't understand this feeling but all I've ever been was hurt my whole life. Nothing but hurt

Crypto, I think you should really look into reaching out for help via crisis hotlines or making an appointment with a therapist. This thread can only help so much and online resources are limited. Please look into getting some help. You may benefit from it.

i really messed my arm up. why did i do this and what the fuck is wrong with me. i gotta hide this shit forever now somehow [editline]9th October 2015[/editline] i got to talk to someone about this because this is seriously not okay. I cant help but feel so fucking embarrassed though about it

[IMG]https://41.media.tumblr.com/2ae9c26b814987d8e3674a66dcd45a53/tumblr_nvv1hdmVpg1rodceto1_500.jpg[/IMG]

Staying inside makes me feel like a useless fuck who hasn't accomplished anything Going outside makes me feel alone I hate myself [editline]9th October 2015[/editline] Not to mention my grades are falling and I just can't bring myself to do any work. I have a bio 1 exam on Monday and I'm so far behind in class.

I think the scars will eventually fade away. When i got burned really bad before they started to fade over time but it was still noticeable. I'm just going to make something to eat right and buy burn cream. For now i'll just cover it up. [editline]9th October 2015[/editline] I tried to eat something but i took even the tiniest bite of a sandwich and i got so sick. How can bring my appetite back.

I want some meaning in my life, a reason to live

[QUOTE=KillerJaguar;48866783]I want some meaning in my life, a reason to live[/QUOTE] Yeah, I agree. I don't think I have any meaning either, and I want some.

Life itself is what I live for, I appreciate what life around me can be and what life can do (art, music, science etc) even if my life isn't fantastic at the moment.

I don't know where it is, but someone here asked what "Depression" can feel like, and given I was watching a playthrough, it suddenly hit me that this acts as a perfect metaphor: [media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdjLBYxAcUI[/media] I got declined on my apprenticeship again, with just "other" as the reason. Back to square one.

Wait people can do that? Just put "other" for a reason for rejection? And here I thought the "Right to Work" thing here in the states was horse shit. I'm sorry that happened :c

[QUOTE=Vaught;48867844]Wait people can do that? Just put "other" for a reason for rejection? And here I thought the "Right to Work" thing here in the states was horse shit. I'm sorry that happened :c[/QUOTE] You can get in contact with the providers to ask for a full list of reasons if wished, but I already have problems considering contact with complete strangers over a phone conversation. Never got given a physical contact address, so I'm not too worried either (had a bad 'vibe' after looking through the kitchens there) To be fair, I wasn't expecting a strange interview process of throwing me into a kitchen for 10 minutes to observe and "ask questions", and the fact that the training providers weren't even going to share the information that I had Aspergers and it was onto me to share that information.

[QUOTE=Alex Rider;48867824]someone here asked what "Depression" can feel like[/QUOTE] Whenever those who don't understand ask me what depression feels like, I nearly always respond with "It's like you're drowning, but seeing everyone else around you breathe." Or that it's like a black cloak covering you from head to toe, and it continues to cling onto you... I dunno.