Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Imagine sitting in a tiny concrete room, like a prison cell, with no windows and nothing but grey walls, floor and ceiling, no furniture, no sounds. Then imagine sitting there for all eternity. That's kinda how I think of depression.

I always imagine my depression like being trapped in a tiny, bright, white room inside my mind, trapped; trying to get out, but there's not windows or doors, just nothing and no escape. [IMG]https://33.media.tumblr.com/a893ee3608cf9a85ef7d42113064a3e3/tumblr_nuqolbbtSs1tjc09fo1_500.gif[/IMG] I hate it when people think they can just fix me magically. It's not that easy, believe me, I've tried.

Was sick all day yesterday but I'm feeling better today. That kinda changed my mind about wanting to die. I thought I had to go to the hospital but I found a way to keep it together somehow. I feel better knowing nothing bad happened to me

Spent all last night in adrenaline overdrive and I couldn't sleep at all. Probably didn't get to sleep til about 6:30am? It's 8:30am now and I have to go to a CPR training class. I'm hoping it's really short so I can just come home and sleep.

Today I just want to sleep all day. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere but just sleep.

So my anxiety is playing up again because of a stressful time I'm having and at the same time I'm having like a lifestyle crisis or something. Like for gods sake I'm only 21 but I'm suddenly freaking out about what I'm doing with my life, I'm stuck working a low paid job for over 45 hours a week, my one career goal got shot down and I cant re-apply for 6 months, the alternative is just too expensive for me to get into in the first place. On top of it all because of my hours my social life sucks, I get home just in time to go to bed every day including weekends so I rarely get to do anything fun. Its just getting to me.

All the self motivation can't save me from the truth. I made a mistake. Prettying up that mistake with positive outlooks do nothing for me. [editline]10th October 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=orcywoo6;48874682]So my anxiety is playing up again because of a stressful time I'm having and at the same time I'm having like a lifestyle crisis or something. Like for gods sake I'm only 21 but I'm suddenly freaking out about what I'm doing with my life, I'm stuck working a low paid job for over 45 hours a week, my one career goal got shot down and I cant re-apply for 6 months, the alternative is just too expensive for me to get into in the first place. On top of it all because of my hours my social life sucks, I get home just in time to go to bed every day including weekends so I rarely get to do anything fun. Its just getting to me.[/QUOTE] Quit it all and do what you love.

I'm thinking of taking a semester off of school and it makes me feel like a stupid useless failure.

Depends. If you take it off and do nothing with your time. You will be a useless failure. If you take a semester off and explore your interests. Your hobbies. Find out what you love. Do the things you've always wanted to do, then you will be awesome. And it will be a semester well spent.

I'm so fucking tired of being depressed and hearing righteous assholes go off on dumb fucking dramatic ass speeches on the internet about "IT GETS BETTER JUST PULL THE DARKNESS AND YOU CAN MAKE IT, YOU WILL BE HAPPY" and all that horse shit this is almost always some asshole who ''''''''''cares'''''''''' and isn't [I]~at all~[/I] doing it for fame and publicity, and then for the people who do apparently care, your corny ass speech does jack fucking shit I've heard it a million times before and I'm sick of it, it does jack dick except make [I]you[/I] feel good about yourself, shove it up your ass

[QUOTE=Schmaaa;48877632]I'm thinking of taking a semester off of school and it makes me feel like a stupid useless failure.[/QUOTE] It starts as one, then two, then you've dropped out of school entirely

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;48877661]I'm so fucking tired of being depressed and hearing righteous assholes go off on dumb fucking dramatic ass speeches on the internet about "IT GETS BETTER JUST PULL THE DARKNESS AND YOU CAN MAKE IT, YOU WILL BE HAPPY" and all that horse shit this is almost always some asshole who ''''''''''cares'''''''''' and isn't [I]~at all~[/I] doing it for fame and publicity, and then for the people who do apparently care, your corny ass speech does jack fucking shit I've heard it a million times before and I'm sick of it, it does jack dick except make [I]you[/I] feel good about yourself, shove it up your ass[/QUOTE] [img]http://www.depressioncomix.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/depcom.253.col_.400px.jpg[/img]

I like how we're a society that's so fucking bad at handling mental illness that apparently we put the mentally ill on a fucking [I]bus out of town[/I] in some places, but don't kill yourself tho that would be sad ;(

Well that's interesting. If only for a minute, suicide flipped around in my mind from being something sad but something I wanted to being something I wanted and felt happy and excited about the idea of pursuing it

I'm having a hard time keeping calm. I'll feel so much anxiety for hours on end

I don't fucking understand any more I won't kill myself because it would hurt too many people, but I fucking love the idea. I turn it over and over in my head, making up plans and such. It's like a daydream, like a kid dreaming about what toy he'll get for Christmas. I fucking deserve to die. I don't even want to get better. I want to get worse and it's hard to describe how scary that is. It's scary to know that I'm this self-destructive now. I feel sick to my stomach literally all the time. I've lost like 15 pounds in the past few months just from not eating anything, and I've gotten taller in that time. I'm scared out of my mind, I don't know where this is going.

I've been told in the past that I'm obsessed about some things and that makes me even more depressed and self-loathing.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48879351]I don't fucking understand any more I won't kill myself because it would hurt too many people, but I fucking love the idea. I turn it over and over in my head, making up plans and such. It's like a daydream, like a kid dreaming about what toy he'll get for Christmas. I fucking deserve to die. I don't even want to get better. I want to get worse and it's hard to describe how scary that is. It's scary to know that I'm this self-destructive now. I feel sick to my stomach literally all the time. I've lost like 15 pounds in the past few months just from not eating anything, and I've gotten taller in that time. I'm scared out of my mind, I don't know where this is going.[/QUOTE] I've been in a very similar place. From what you are saying, I believe you are in a very dangerous place. I want you to tell somebody what you are experiencing. A doctor, therapist, friend, teacher, it doesn't really matter who, as long as you trust them and you don't think they will freak out. Somebody who doesn't understand and freaks out is not somebody who will help your situation. If you don't have anybody like that, you can call or talk online with a crisis help person. Results may vary here, except that they have rules that say they won't call 911 unless you give permission or they believe you are in extreme imminent danger, like you are gonna kill yourself as soon as you hang up danger. I hope you get the help you need.

The guilt I feel telling people what's wrong is a big part of my problem, actually. I feel like I'm dragging people down with me. My area doesn't have any psychiatric help available as far as I can tell, but I have a hard time doing research about it so I don't really know.

[QUOTE=KillerJaguar;48877719]It starts as one, then two, then you've dropped out of school entirely[/QUOTE] I don't even know what I want to do. I like the idea of what I'm doing now, but I don't feel like I can do it. I've been here four years and I'm not even halfway to getting my degree and I really need a change of scenery because I'm constantly stressed out and depressed and anxious every time I come back to college. I'm under so much pressure right now to know exactly what I want to do with my life, and to stick with college even though it's going to be more than two years until I get my degree and I just want to move on with my life and stop being stressed and afraid about college. I really hate it here, the exception being when I'm at classes that I actually enjoy (I really do like my education classes, but I'm scared that I won't be good enough). Most of the time, though, especially in this semester, I feel like I'm just doing work for the sake of doing work, not that I'm actually accomplishing anything. And besides, why does everyone say that taking a semester off leads to dropping out of school entirely? Is it because not going to school is actually better? Really, if I stop going to school and wind up being happier, then why should I stick with college? What's the point? I'm jsut going to be here forever doing the same useless shit for the same bullshit classes so that I can get a bullshit piece of paper so I can get a job that will pay exactly the same as any job I can get without a degree. I just feel like everything here is bullshit, and even though I want to get my degree I despise having to wade through YEARS of bullshit so that I can get a job that's rewarding that I'll enjoy.

I had a great time yesterday, lots of drinking, talking, laughing and music being played. I fell asleep around 7 am at my parents best friends place and I haven't slept that well before and I woke up and felt motivated and not depressed. Got home and then went to bury dad with mom and lil bro. It was sad, but not in an anxious way. It doesn't feel like time stands still anymore, it's like the world has started moving again, I hope I stay this motivated.

I'm thinking about getting a diagnosis and hopefully medication for my anxiety. I've realised it's not gonna get any better with time alone, and I'm gonna be pretty stressed about moving to the big city and starting my first job.

I haven't gotten out of bed or eaten or had a drink in 16 hours. I skipped taking my medication and I'm not doing several other basic things to take care of myself. Yay

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;48881985]I haven't gotten out of bed or eaten or had a drink in 16 hours. I skipped taking my medication and I'm not doing several other basic things to take care of myself. Yay[/QUOTE] Well at least you know that you're doing that. I recommend you at least eat and drink out of all of things you've left undone.

[QUOTE=PelPix123;48874281]As a sort of PSA I have a friend with Tourette's that gets SO MUCH SHIT. "ugh. That girl is creepy! Why is she like that?" nobody will be friends with her because public knowledge about Tourette's is generally limited to swearing, which she doesn't do. After meeting her I'm convinced that nothing. Fucking NOTHING. Will make people think you're crazier than Tourette's. And I'm insane. Like paranoid delusions. But it's ME people pull aside to be like "hey... Isn't she a little creepy?"[/QUOTE] Is she fine? Cus' I'll give a fine bitch a call. [highlight](User was banned for this post ("trolling again" - Orkel))[/highlight]

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;48877661]I'm so fucking tired of being depressed and hearing righteous assholes go off on dumb fucking dramatic ass speeches on the internet about "IT GETS BETTER JUST PULL THE DARKNESS AND YOU CAN MAKE IT, YOU WILL BE HAPPY" and all that horse shit this is almost always some asshole who ''''''''''cares'''''''''' and isn't [I]~at all~[/I] doing it for fame and publicity, and then for the people who do apparently care, your corny ass speech does jack fucking shit I've heard it a million times before and I'm sick of it, it does jack dick except make [I]you[/I] feel good about yourself, shove it up your ass[/QUOTE] Kinda makes me feel guilty since I do my best to encourage people to seek help and feel a little better. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to spout repeated lines just for the feel-good sensations. I really do wish I could help people, but my circumstances tell me otherwise. [QUOTE=Richoxen;48882505]Is she fine? Cus' I'll give a fine bitch a call.[/QUOTE] :s:

[QUOTE=DELL;48882002]Well at least you know that you're doing that. I recommend you at least eat and drink out of all of things you've left undone.[/QUOTE] Still haven't eaten I think starving myself is my preferred method of self harm, I go to it the most often

[QUOTE=Richoxen;48882505]Is she fine? Cus' I'll give a fine bitch a call.[/QUOTE] what's the matter with you?

[QUOTE=Richoxen;48882505]Is she fine? Cus' I'll give a fine bitch a call.[/QUOTE]Take that attitude elsewhere, thank you.

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;48882733]Still haven't eaten I think starving myself is my preferred method of self harm, I go to it the most often[/QUOTE] Forgetting to eat is what I do most, and it drains away my energy from doing anything. Though it (generally) isn't purposeful.