Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

About 2 years ago is when I first re-started talking to my now ex, and after all that time I can't help but be simply stupefied at how it all changed and all went wrong in such a short amount of time, and the fact that it was a good relationship, nothing going wrong it in, and it ended with the suddenness and finality of a death. I just don't get it, and i just dont get her, being entirely unaffected by her throwing away someone who loved her and would have done anything for her and helped and supported her, and she doesn't even seem to give a shit. Not even a hint of regret. It's funny, her just ending the two years of good times we had has done way more damage to me than a 7 year shitty relationship did. God why coulnd't I have had 2 years with the shitty one and 7 years with her. And just going to the shop now to get some cigs to help me cope with everything welling up today, and I ended being half a step away from stepping out in front of a bus, the only thing stopping me was the thought that the bus wasn't going fast enough. Only just mussed hitting me by the narrowest of margins.

for a long time I've felt fairly healthy in the head. there are a few things I knew I still had problems with, mainly social relationships. how to act socially, what to say, how to maintain friendships, anxiety, etc, but other than that I felt pretty well I think. now that I'm standing on my own feet again, after being in two wards for 13 months combined, it feels a little overwhelming. I have to make my own choices? I don't know where to start and I'm really, really scared I'll end up isolating myself and spiral straight into a deep depression again. maybe it's okay to feel a little lost to start off with, I'm still recovering from being kicked out of the ward, maybe I just need some time? what if that's just an excuse for not doing anything? if it is, I'll have an even harder time getting into gear once I feel like doing anything. I feel it's very tempting to not do anything anymore. its been so long since I've been without a plan. I believe the last time I just lived without a plan or anything to look forward to was in May 2014. I believe that's when I was first introduced to being hospitalized. ever since I've been in a ward, and the little time between the first and second ward where I was home I still knew I was going to go somewhere, that things were still in motion. on top of all that, what if I actually am bordering another psychotic break, what if my schizophrenia diagnosis actually is correct which I've been doubting? I've doubted it for so long, but it worries me a lot since I have been formerly labelled schizophrenic and professionals have told me I'm so close to reaching another psychosis. now that I stand without 24/7 help, what if I get really ill? before the ward I was just heavily depressed, what if I wind up psychotic and depressed this time around?

I just don't get the logic of completely ending and destroying a relationship for an uncertainty, without even communicating about it, given communicating was a massive part of our relationship, and nobody else I've spoken to has a fucking clue why or how it happened. Even against my better judgement I'd take her back even now, but what hurts the most is knowing she adamantly doesn't want to. She was my world, my everything, and sorry but when I'm in a relationship with someone I give them my very best, seems like I never get anything close in return. Things could have been better for us, given the distance and money worries etc, but stuff like that could have been worked on, the actual relationship was fantastic. Things could have changed and it could have been great, but she threw it all away for nothing, as she's entirely fucking neutral on losing me. And then even worse, despite so callously and coldly dumping me, offers to come up like she was going to do, half of me tells me i should have said yes to her, the other half of me tells me whats the point, so I didn't as she'd only be a daily reminder for a month that she's thrown me away. I'm just so broken and upset and seriously looking at the noose i have nearby, I just want this pain to end, but there's only two ways that happen, either she takes me back, which I know for certain she doesn't, or I cast myself into oblivion. Fuck it, I've kept myself alive for other people for far too fucking long now, time to be fuckign selfish for a change.

Alright not sure if this is the thread I pissed off or another one, but I've got an issue. I'm tight on money and I have been for a long time, I seriously am having shit luck finding a job and I've been hunting since I graduated highschool and no luck. It's been months now. I desperatley need to move out of my parents house and I've considered doing bad things for money, like this is an online forum and I really don't care anymore I have no one else to talk to about this so I might aswell just dump it here: [sp]I'm considering doing things like camgirl work or finding a sugar daddy. I know where to find them and how to approach them, that won't be an issue.[/sp]I tried talking about this to an internet aquaintance and he just called me a whore. But I'm a girl and I'm going to use it to my advantage if I can't get money the normal way. I can't live with my family anymore they don't treat me the best... half of my family disowned me for being a lesbian. I'm just scared I'll lack the courage to even go through with this, plus its dangerous. [sp] I don't even find men attractive but at this point I don't really care anymore. I just want money.[/sp] I'm tired of waiting for calls back from these jobs I've been applying to, I mean I've applied and re-applied dozens of times to numerous places. I got a call back from a grocery store, I was supposed to shedule an interview last month and I tried to... I've been put on hold for 30-45 minutes three times by that store. No one is hiring around here. I've been trying since june. It's starting to get me down. The "reasoning" and "motive" for me wanting to do this stuff is purley desperation to get out of this place I live in and start my life. I keep telling myself this as motivation: "All this is temporary you could easily just do this for a year and have enough money to kickstart your life comfortably. Just a year of selling yourself out and you'd have enough." (Idk maybe this isn't the best place to post this considering the majority of users here are male and it would be harder to relate to this problem in particular.)

If you approach it right and you're good at it, camgirling can be fairly lucrative and rewarding, but I've also heard from a lot of people that it can really take a toll on your mental health. It depends on your attitude, your psyche, and the culture that appears around you. Just do what's healthy for you, your health is priority number one. [sp]Disclaimer: Not firsthand experience, I'm a dude, but this is what I hear a lot.[/sp]

My ex girlfriend is the only person I ever loved. I really wish things could go back to the way they used to be. I would do anything for her. She means the world to me. I want her in my life again because I feel so lost without her. I was a fucking idiot and I drove her away. I still love her and I wish I wasn't an idiot. I would do anything for her and here I am crying my eyes out. If I wasn't so fucking stupid she would still be with me. She's the only person I truly care about. Nobody could ever replace her

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48894262]If you approach it right and you're good at it, camgirling can be fairly lucrative and rewarding, but I've also heard from a lot of people that it can really take a toll on your mental health. It depends on your attitude, your psyche, and the culture that appears around you. Just do what's healthy for you, your health is priority number one. [sp]Disclaimer: Not firsthand experience, I'm a dude, but this is what I hear a lot.[/sp][/QUOTE] The only fear I have with camgirl stuff is someone recognizing me in real life and saying something about it, I mean I could learn to deal with that though.

[QUOTE=kijji;48887882]I get random chest pain too and apparently I breathe pretty hard a lot of the time, I don't even notice it. Anyone know what this is?[/QUOTE] I had that once as well. It was a sign my heart was having trouble doing anything because of blockage. Had to change my diet and exercise often to ward it off. My heart no longer does it as frequently as it used to, but I have to keep it up or I'll have a bad time. [editline]13th October 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Levithan;48890589]I wasn't meant to be alive this long, and everything is terrifying and stressful and lonely[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Leaf Runner;48891427]My best friend broke up with me today. Lets hope I don't relapse into depression.[/QUOTE] If you two ever need someone to talk to, even just vent, we're here to listen [QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;48891829]So it's gotten to a point where everyone in the household is very concerned about my wellbeing to a point it's upset my father and his partner. I'm also very upset that my girlfriend is yet again doing stuff she should not be and not respecting anyone in the house and all I've done is protected her and taken the blame when I keep saying. "You need to own up for your shit cause I'm done taking responsibility about your actions when it's got nothing to do with me." I'm also still on the look out for jobs as I've recently been turned down for some of them. But I haven't lost motivation this time like I normally do. I've just kept going. Hoping I land one of the 6 I've applied for and I'm applying for another today. As well starting to get tired really easy now and I'm eating less crap food. I'm feeling a little bit more willing but I'm also feeling still anxious and easy to trip. I feel like whilst I want to go forwards I feel like if I do I honestly feel like it's just going to set me back because I'm incapable of dealing with the situations and the shit I gotta deal with. Worse comes to worse I may take a trip down to the Work and Income(it's a NZ thing to you Aussies it would be Centerlink and enroll myself into Job Seekers and get help to get a job fast. I need to be distracted from home and get away. I know walking would be beneficial and even running and getting fit but I need more money. I want more money so I can do the things I want to do. This is a really huge post it's just shit I gotta get off.[/QUOTE] Keep it up, the world is a lot more competitive since the days of our parents. Jobs are scarce and networking is required these days. I've applied for over 100 in this year alone and I've only acquired 3 of those jobs, all of which terminated me before the year has ended. It ain't fun. Do what you gotta do, just be careful about it. Stepping out of your comfort zone is fucking nauseating. The more you do it, however, the more you adjust and the less scary things become. Anxiety will stick to you like a cancerous growth no one else can see, but you can beat it in small doses. Also, 30 minutes every 2-3 days, jogging around the area will do you wonders. Just enough to get you to sweat. You don't have to get fit, just get loose, as weird as that sounds. You're doing well, keep going c: [QUOTE=IJNOMED;48894304]The only fear I have with camgirl stuff is someone recognizing me in real life and saying something about it, I mean I could learn to deal with that though.[/QUOTE] I don't really know how to support this kind of thing, but the one thing I can say is be careful. It's a risky expenditure and probably left as a last resort. Sometimes, though, we gotta do weird things to get something.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;48894304]The only fear I have with camgirl stuff is someone recognizing me in real life and saying something about it, I mean I could learn to deal with that though.[/QUOTE]Yeah, that's another danger. I've heard a couple horror stories about that happening, so you'll want to take that possibility into consideration.

i wish I could make things right again and I would try. I just want her to be happy. I would never give up on her because she is the only one for me. Even though it's been a year and we only talked for one day I am willing to give it another chance. I can't stand the thought of her being unhappy. I care more about her than myself. Even if we just start being friends I would feel so much better. I know I have to make changes in my life but I can't do it by myself. The only thing I care about in this life of mine is her. She made life worth living

I flipped out at work. I told my manager I refuse to take out the garbage because I'm the only one that does it. I said I was sick of this shit and she told me to to go home [editline]13th October 2015[/editline] These people are disgusting why should I be the only one to take out the hundreds of garbage bags they have lying around. Fuck them [editline]13th October 2015[/editline] I am officially jobless I count do that job anymore

Going to school only makes me feel worse. It just makes me want to go home and be alone. But then I get lonely being home by myself. I have a friend that runs the tabletop club and tries to hang out, but I've been avoiding him and his club because I just don't want to be around people right now.

I know I made the best decision for myself. I was really unhappy with this job. I'm going to get my check tomorrow and they are going to try and convince me to come back but I just can't do it. I have to do what makes me happy

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;48896494]I know I made the best decision for myself. I was really unhappy with this job. I'm going to get my check tomorrow and they are going to try and convince me to come back but I just can't do it. I have to do what makes me happy[/QUOTE] Having a job you enjoy and like to get up and go to is way better. I only work part-time which means less money but damn do I enjoy it. Half my weekend is spent looking forward to going to work.

Since I got nothing to do now I'll just try and find a job I enjoy

Man, I wish I had a job.

I wish i had a job where my managers actually respected the work i did instead of not giving a shit. Everyone i worked with was fucking lazy and i don't regret leaving not a single bit

I've decided a few things I need to get over my anxiety about buying things from physical cashiers because at the moment, I cannot do it, period, and that's going to fuck me over when I go to college. I guess I just need to brute force it and force myself to do it a bunch until I can do it reliably. I'm not seeking treatment until I go to college because there's no way to get help without my parents knowing until then. And I'm now really firm on my policy of my parents can't know. I'm made fun of for the symptoms of my depression enough without them knowing I actually have depression. Of course, that means I have another year before I can move forward, but I think I can at least survive until graduation. Past that, I don't know. Summers are hard for me.

My therapist wants me to write down a list of all the little things I need to do to become independent and eventually move to Sweden. While I agree, what exactly would be the reason for doing that?

[QUOTE=kijji;48897156]My therapist wants me to write down a list of all the little things I need to do to become independent and eventually move to Sweden. While I agree, what exactly would be the reason for doing that?[/QUOTE] It can help you stay focused on that goal. As well, being able to cross things off that list will help you realize all the progress you're making.

You know what I am going to get my life on track. I am going to get my GED. I'm almost fucking 22 and still without one. I got to do this. I got nothing to do these days now since I'm jobless and my goal is to get my GED and a driving license and hopefully try to get my ex girlfriend to come back to me. I am going to do these things this year. I know she probably won't come back to me but I want to completely change my life. I know I can do this and I wish I was this determined earlier before I lost her. I honestly believe I can change my life around now because I want to [editline]14th October 2015[/editline] It's not that I wasn't determined when I was with her but I felt like I had everything I ever wanted when I was with her. I just want to do these things for her and myself [editline]14th October 2015[/editline] I always meant no matter what I would stick by her. I said some fucked up stuff because I was upset at the time but I never meant any of it. I was just upset I never meant any of it. I need her to know I want her to be happy.

I posted this in the relationship thread but I'll post it here too because :/ My ex Fiance has been acting like were gonna get back together but not dumping her current boyfriend. She cuts herself and says its because "She misses me". She'd bi-polar and extremely manipulative to the point where I suspect that she may be a sociopath. She didn't used to be like this and she's stopped taking her medication and stopped going to therapy. She also lives with her older sister who is an enabler, she is underage and drinks/smokes and stays at her new bf's house on weekends. She continues to have sexual relations with me, I went no contact with her and she started spamming my friends and her mom about how much she misses me. Cutting herself and calling me none stop. Eventually she managed to trick me into thinking that her and her current BF broke up and that she was going to get help so we hung out today. It was really really nice, just like old times, but then I got home and realized she hadn't actually broken up with him. I then managed to get into her facebook account today(I know probably not cool but she's actually mentally ill so I wanted to know what the fuck was going on) and discovered that she's been having relations with multiple men all at the same time. Then tell them that she's pregnant with their baby (Not true for any of them) and she did this to me too. She's been having relations with multiple men and flirtations with even more going as far as to send a picture to one of my friends of her very scantly dressed. All the while begging me to take her back. She also said to some guy that she's had sex with women and she gets fucked up because she's depressed and then sleeps around. I decided I should tell her mom about this because she really needs to get back on her medication and go back to therapy. But first I asked her "ME:(Name)... Do you need mental help? HER:What ME:I'm going to reach out to you one last time before I go. Do you need mental help. Has your mental state deteriorated further than before. HER: Yes" I went to her moms house and told her about what I'd found and that at this point I didn't even care if her and I got back together I just want to get her back on her meds. Her mother and I then went to her sisters house and told her about all this and she agreed. We started connecting dots and realized that she had been lying to all of us for a long long time about literally everything under the sun. Where she was, what she wanted to be when she grew up, what does like/doesn't like. She even told me and other people that her middle name was Mauna but I just found out from her mom it's actually rose... wtf? She really didn't used to be like this. She used to write and paint and sing songs but now she's just this manipulative liar who uses people for money/rides/ect. She hasn't done any of her old hobbies in months. Were going to have an "Intervention" tomorrow. Even if she doesn't want to get back together I just want her to get the help she needs because the cheating on multiple people, lying about being pregnant, cutting her self, lying about every little irrelevant thing. If it was just one of these things she'd just be a bad person and I'd move on with my life but god all of this shit combined. I don't know who this girl is anymore because she's not the girl I fell in love with. And even if she hates me for the rest of my life for doing this I don't care because I'd give anything just to see her paint a picture again.

i'd like to thank anyone/everyone from this thread and FP as a whole for approaching me for support, you guys are awesome.

So something out there seems to want to keep me alive for some unfathomable reason. 30 seconds away from hanging myself and I get a message from my friend who is going through similar stuff that I am, ended up talking with her and we've planend to meet up, hang out, get high and bitch about each others exes at an attempt at catharsis. It's just a pity me and her didn't end up together in college, not that I have any feelings for her beyond friendship now, too much stuff and too much time has passed between both of us, but we still get on.

Fuckin christ I feel so humiliated So I went to yet another job interview like the eighth this year which is lucky, fuck up bad and arrive late so they couldn't interview me, not only that is they probably laughed because of that traffic in a big city fucked me up is it. It's my own damn fault and I only have myself to blame but I just can't take it, it was my first interview since April and I thought I'd get somewhere but fuck. So much for a happy Christmas if I'm destined to be skint for another year.

[QUOTE=Thomo_UK;48900597]Fuckin christ I feel so humiliated So I went to yet another job interview like the eighth this year which is lucky, fuck up bad and arrive late so they couldn't interview me, not only that is they probably laughed because of that traffic in a big city fucked me up is it. It's my own damn fault and I only have myself to blame but I just can't take it, it was my first interview since April and I thought I'd get somewhere but fuck. So much for a happy Christmas if I'm destined to be skint for another year.[/QUOTE] Buying gifts is only one possibility of celebrating the holidays; there are many ways to celebrate Christmas/Solstice without spending a penny at all. Hell, you could even do as much as spend time with loved ones. Time is, after all, the most precious thing you could ever give to anyone, because it's something you can never get back.

This pretty much sums up my feelings about all that's happened with my ex. [media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFBbOHohwR8[/media] Guess I just have to try and move on, though it'll be hard, though my friend needing someone to help her with her problem helps distract me a lot. I'm always like that though, helping others deal with their problems at the cost of mine. With my friend, I don't mind, as we have some close links, but never again, never for anyone else.

I don't want to move on from my ex because I'll always have feelings for her. It really is a shame that things ended the way they did. We would talk every day. When I saw her for the first time in a year I was so happy. I'm always thinking about her pretty much every minute. I keep thinking of all the good times we had and I wish I could go back. Just seeing her smile brought so much happiness to me. Even though she was with another guy I don't care. It doesn't change how I feel about her. I'm going to text her tomorrow and I really hope she answers. I don't want to give up on her and she says she's afraid of hurting me but I am the one terrified of hurting her. I don't ever want to hurt her.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;48905284]I don't want to move on from my ex because I'll always have feelings for her. It really is a shame that things ended the way they did. We would talk every day. When I saw her for the first time in a year I was so happy. I'm always thinking about her pretty much every minute. I keep thinking of all the good times we had and I wish I could go back. Just seeing her smile brought so much happiness to me. Even though she was with another guy I don't care. It doesn't change how I feel about her. I'm going to text her tomorrow and I really hope she answers. I don't want to give up on her and she says she's afraid of hurting me but I am the one terrified of hurting her. I don't ever want to hurt her.[/QUOTE] At least you dated her, try feeling that way about a woman who wouldn't give you the time a day and moved states to get away from you.

I just want things to go back to the way the used to be. I am so bad at this that I don't know what to say or do