Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I used to think I was socially capable and had no anxiety around crowds, but I've realized lately that I do. I'm socially awkward as fuck and have no idea how to respond when someone calls out to me unexpectedly. In most case I ignore them unless they persist because I never realize they're calling out to me. And whenever I see a large crowd, I try my best to stay away from it. Being around a lot of people makes me feel really uncomfortable.

[QUOTE=Talvy;48925717] I don't mean to put on a show now, just like to talk, tend to go to this thread when I'm moody & tired. [/QUOTE] You shouldn't let it get to you. Most people here forget immediately. Some people have the strange need to focus their attention on people, but you just need to put them on ignore or report. And if you really want to try something else, you can always change your avatar or disable ratings. The other thing is, you're posting in DAAS thread, if you don't follow the 'herd', most will poke at you. It's a thread dedicated to making fun of people(and their "arts").

I hate drifting apart from people I really care about. Yeah, I understand that oftentimes they are busy or just distracted, but when you see people you used to talk to every day/week still talking to everyone else but you haven't spoken in months, it feels shitty. I accept that they probably have no interest in talking to me anymore and are just being polite in having not removed me and I've found comfort in solitude but... idk guess I'm just being wistful and whiny.

And so I thought that I could actually sleep tonight without chemical aid. Rationalized it with that I spent a helluva lot of time outside today, away from the computer, all the way down to midnight. But so I forgot that the silence of bedtime is what creates an echo-chamber to all the negative thoughts and rumination. Causing me to lay there eyes all awake and finally get out of bed. And it's too late to down some melatonin or a zolpidem-pill. Unless I want an equally groggy day as if I hadn't slept well or the same but with whatever side-effects it'd decide to cause. For four months I've desperately cling'ed on the hope that the person whom gave me three best months of my existence, the person whom indirectly saved me twice from suicide, the person due to whom I decided not to give into alcoholism and self-harm again; would give me the time to talk things through. Hopeless hope is the worst. Not too long ago I read about how the most optimistic prisoners in a POW camp would break the easiest. And yet I've grasped on to the little optimism there is to be had. It's so damn exhausting and made even worse by BPD2. It burns seeing the horizon switch mainly between pitch blackness and a blinding glare, with the rare peaks of a tolerable shade. Two weeks after the initial happening I was only as far from committing suicide as pulling with my right index-finger just a tiny bit more. And my only saving grace was the realization that this one person would have been destroyed if she'd find out thank's to her inflated sense of guilt. I'm afraid of losing this little bit of hope which I that I have left. As I've fought very hard against the urge to go back to binge-drinking and cutting. Which would then most likely lead towards and steady decline towards suicidal ideation. Even had this darkly amusing idea of going out by devoting all of my energy and pain towards music, until I couldn't take life anymore. Leaving a bitter message for all to hear. But for now that is only a playful thought.

I feel really lonely a lot and I have no idea how to "fix" it

I honestly feel like causing self harm. This feeling of being inferior to everyone else is really depressing the crap out of me. Can't get to sleep

Had a breakdown today, my family drives me completely mad. On the plus side on thursday I should get the whole ADHD stuff dealt with.

My dog just died. He was a Pug, 17½ years of age. He went from resting with what we thought was a slight sickness and in 20 minutes he just was.. breathless and limp. My father and I had to bury him in our backyard at 11:30pm and it started to rain. I usually don't form any actual emotional bond with any animals generally—only 3 cats in the past 21 years of my life, but.. I really loved that dog, actually.

I worry about too much. my body isn't good enough, my hairstyle could have been so much better, my clothing selection could do with some additions, the way I walk is odd, the way I act as a person is weird, I don't have enough friends, etc. I'm constantly worrying and always striving for more social contact. I feel really uncomfortable whenever I'm alone when I've recently gotten the taste of being social, it hurts so much. I need to be around people all the time, but at the same time I don't want to bother anyone. then when I am with people I don't know how to act at all, what do we do. what is socially acceptable? I have so much anxiety regarding social stuff, I wish I didn't. so worried that I'm not a likeable person.

Well, staying in this hospital hasn't done me a whole lot of good. Everytime some good news arrive they get shot down almost instantly. My thrombocytes are on the up, next day they'll be a little down instead. I'll get discharged on Tuesday, now it's potentionally Wednesday. I don't have to undergo a procedure, and now I do. This is probably pretty minor but I just feel awful on the inside thanks to this rollercoaster. I just needed to vent a little.

[QUOTE=PredGD;48935506]I worry about too much. my body isn't good enough, my hairstyle could have been so much better, my clothing selection could do with some additions, the way I walk is odd, the way I act as a person is weird, I don't have enough friends, etc. I'm constantly worrying and always striving for more social contact. I feel really uncomfortable whenever I'm alone when I've recently gotten the taste of being social, it hurts so much. I need to be around people all the time, but at the same time I don't want to bother anyone. then when I am with people I don't know how to act at all, what do we do. what is socially acceptable? I have so much anxiety regarding social stuff, I wish I didn't. so worried that I'm not a likeable person.[/QUOTE] Sounds like a lack of confidence if you don't mind me saying. It helps to remember everybody has flaws, some are just better are hiding them and most of the time, small faux pas will go totally unnoticed. Some will help people relate to you and build relations. Its kind of like a negative/positive feedback loop. You need confidence to achieve stuff, you need to achieve stuff to gain confidence. I used to play football and one of the vets said "fake being good at it till you really are" It works imo. I used to be/am my own biggest critic, stuff which I make a big deal about in my head are usually unnoticed or trivial by those I meet. Most people are nice and supportive, those who aren't you should either avoid or learn to ignore their shit, likely hood is their being assholes because of their own insecurity.

my mum has cancer and chemo isnt a cure. my girlfriend left me but i still love her and i fucked up bad. i have no motivation to do anything and im probably getting kicked out of college. [editline]19th October 2015[/editline] ive also been brought up without getting help when ive felt down, ive dealt with the repercussions of my mum having been in and out of mental institutions her entire life. my family also has barely enough to live on now because she was put out of work due to mental illness.

[QUOTE=Elfy;48935757]my mum has cancer and chemo isnt a cure. my girlfriend left me but i still love her and i fucked up bad. i have no motivation to do anything and im probably getting kicked out of college. [editline]19th October 2015[/editline] ive also been brought up without getting help when ive felt down, ive dealt with the repercussions of my mum having been in and out of mental institutions her entire life. my family also has barely enough to live on now because she was put out of work due to mental illness.[/QUOTE] one thing I can say is: your education is so important. no matter how shit / unmotivated you feel, don't throw away all the hard work you've already put in and blow your chance. you can either graduate with a piece of paper that'll help you so much in life, or you can mess up your chance and end up regretting it down the line. I know it can be really tough to slog through college, especially when you're feeling unmotivated (on top of all that other stuff you're dealing with, sorry about that). I've been in the same boat, ended up repeating a year because of it, but it's gotten to the point where I realise how much graduating would help my life, and ten years down the line I could be living a pretty comfortable life if I just get through the shit and muck right now. [editline]19th October 2015[/editline] as far as the college issue goes, you should really let your tutor / mentor / however it works in the US know the challenges you're facing. instead of getting potentially kicked from your course, your college may take into account the hardships you're facing and give you another shot at it. at the very least, they'll try and support you, and you might have someone to confide in - be it with your mentor or the principle or the college counsellor. I know it helped me a fucktonne speaking to my tutor at uni, he was really understanding: "Depression is an awful thing, don't suffer in silence. You can always come to us and talk and we'll always do our best to help" really stuck with me and hit me right in the chest when my tutor told me that, especially when he said how previous students were in the same rut and how he wished he knew so he could have helped them. [editline]19th October 2015[/editline] the reason I'm talking about college and nothing else is because it's the only solid thing you really have control over.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;48935673]Sounds like a lack of confidence if you don't mind me saying. It helps to remember everybody has flaws, some are just better are hiding them and most of the time, small faux pas will go totally unnoticed. Some will help people relate to you and build relations. Its kind of like a negative/positive feedback loop. You need confidence to achieve stuff, you need to achieve stuff to gain confidence. I used to play football and one of the vets said "fake being good at it till you really are" It works imo. I used to be/am my own biggest critic, stuff which I make a big deal about in my head are usually unnoticed or trivial by those I meet. Most people are nice and supportive, those who aren't you should either avoid or learn to ignore their shit, likely hood is their being assholes because of their own insecurity.[/QUOTE] definitely a lack of confidence, though I'm not sure what I can do about it. I've been trying to think that everyone has flaws, but I never notice them. that kinda works both ways in how I perceive it, that no one really notices peoples flaws as long as they're not huge, but it also tells me that everyone else is perfect while I'm not. then I start thinking too that what if my flaws are huge? faking being good at something until you're good at it has worked for me in the past, but I'm not sure how I'm gonna go around this one. these people are all I have, I don't feel like I can experiment with my confidence and how I act to them to build my confidence as it feels like I run the risk of losing them. if I lose them, then that'll just break me down even more so it feels pretty risky. I suppose I don't need to be perfect, but I definitely need a confidence boost somehow. I feel it's way too low right now, makes me too anxious and worried about everything. [editline]19th October 2015[/editline] people weren't joking when they said it'd be hard for me to re-integrate myself socially after isolating myself for so long. last time I was "properly" social was between summer 2013 to the end of 2013. since then, all social contact I've had has been with hospital staff, other patients who have been terrible socially as well. I had some social contact exactly one year ago, but I lost that. I'm afraid I'll lose them again. what I thought was going to be hard was to just get friends again, but that's one of the smaller problems in my eyes. the biggest problem with being socially deprived so long is that you literally forget how to be socially. how often to meet people, how to act, and all the other things I've listed in my previous posts about social situations. [editline]fakeedit[/editline] I also managed to gather my balls earlier and contacted the girl I spent the weekend with and asked if she and her boyfriend were fancying a guest, but I was told she was sick and that her mother had guests herself. she told me she'd contact me when she wanted to meet up which sounds really odd in my ears. almost sounds like she doesn't want to spend time with me. it also could be nothing at all, but I'm terrific at finding stuff to use against myself and my own well being. been wondering if I should contact the other girl who was part of this weekend thing, but I'm not sure if I feel safe enough to be around her. from when I first met her, and when I spent the most time with her back in 2013, I got a little nasty impression of her. she was the kind of person who would constantly talk trash behind peoples back, constantly ditch people to make room for new plans as they were more tempting, jump from person to person and leave the other behind. I feel she was very judgemental and used people around her to feed her own well being. I don't know if that's still true, it's 2 years since all that happened after all.

Being cooped up inside is driving me mad. Like I need to get out and socialize with people but I have no friends in town and I don't have any transportation. I can't just call them up and ask them to hang out because they either live states away or they're busy with work, or both. Or the one friend I could hang out with is too awkward to even want to do anything other than sit around the house. Like, bitch if we're gonna sit around the house there better be good alcohol or a good movie. Being inside all day aside from going running in the mornings really bothers me.

For a while I've thought I had something up with me. I failed uni, had trouble sticking/finishing tasks, I'm flakey socially, I have trouble keeping in contact with people, I'm "lazy", late for things unless I make huge effort, messy, lose things, my mind wanders, I'm easily distracted, I have trouble hearing what people are saying, I speak too fast, I get some social anxiety thing, I'm stressed or tired frequently, bouts of really short temperedness/general anger and have lapsed in and out of depression, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by thoughts, not necessarily comprehensible. It's lead to the failure of uni thing, a killing of social life and generally feeling shitty about life in general, the depression was diagnosed when I went to a doc after feeling suicidal during uni. People including friends, gf and ex gf think in clumsy, get lost easily and absent minded/lacking in common sense. I found out those were the symptoms of some ADHD thing yesterday. It's sort of a relief but also pretty scary. Not 100% what to do or how to feel about it. Might just be self diagnosing wrong, there must be something. Don't really want to go to a doctor since they just don't seem to give a shit, getting there or to therapy is inconvenient and I don't really want to rely on medicine to feel "normal" (did antidepressants and therapy for depression and it just felt like a cop out without making myself feel any better) [editline]19th October 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=NiandraLades;48922680]Do any of you have experiences with taking Citalopram? I started it yesterday and have been feeling a bit weird[/QUOTE] I was on citrolopram a few years ago. Either the dose was too low or it wasn't right for me. I had a good doctor so I took it but once I moved to some asshole who didn't care in the slightest I just stopped going and stopped getting prescriptions.

I've been thinking about death way more than I'm comfortable with. It's a feeling I've had all weekend and it's now continuing into the week. I was feeling better up until I had class, but now I'm back to where I was. I'm happiest when I forget about my reality.

I attempted suicide today. I'm done. I have nothing left to give. I have no more tolerance or endurance for this shit. I'm done. I'm just too much of a coward to end it.

You know what this thread needs? What if we all made a big group on steam and sheduled a time or something, and played a game we all have in common. Like garry's mod or some shit. Something fun idk. [editline]19th October 2015[/editline] Y'alls need cheering up. :0) [editline]19th October 2015[/editline] Also not to sound like a pretentious white-girl-bitch-wad, but you know when people say "count your blessings" well, in a sense, they're right. Chances are most of you can think, breathe, eat and do basic human tasks on your own. That in itself is absolutely amazing and loads of things distract us from remembering that. Think of it this way: Life is short, temporary, someday you will be grass underneath someone's feet. Take your physical life and make something of it. Take baby steps if you have to. It's easier said than done, I know. Motivation is hard to muster up. Right now most of us are stuck in a "pit" of sorts, and you're gonna have to push yourself to get out of it. All this bullshit is temporary and hopefully most of us will be looking back like "pffft why did I ever worry?" Alright I'm done being a sap. Not trying to disregard people's depression, because trust me I know how it feels to have people say "WELL THERE'S PEOPLE WORSE OFF THAN YOU SO U DONT DESERVE TO FEEL BAD!" Which, is the dumbest thing ever. You're allowed to feel sad, no one should invalidate your feelings. >Basically what I'm saying is yes, you can make something of yourselves.

[QUOTE=HumanAbyss;48937995]I attempted suicide today. I'm done. I have nothing left to give. I have no more tolerance or endurance for this shit. I'm done. I'm just too much of a coward to end it.[/QUOTE] Please don't try hurting yourself again, if you need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM any of us or add us on Steam, we all care :smile:

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;48938006]You know what this thread needs? What if we all made a big group on steam and sheduled a time or something, and played a game we all have in common. Like garry's mod or some shit. Something fun idk. .[/QUOTE] You know, this isn't necessarily a bad idea. I'd be game (no pun intended) for this.

[QUOTE=HumanAbyss;48937995]I attempted suicide today. I'm done. I have nothing left to give. I have no more tolerance or endurance for this shit. I'm done. I'm just too much of a coward to end it.[/QUOTE] I mostly just lurk around the forums but I've seen tons of your posts man. Doing what you tried would be a big loss, please don't go. I got a lot of free time on my hands so if you want to PM and talk or anything else, you can go ahead and do so.

Holy shit I think I know what's going on with my life lately, I must be in the fucking twilight zone, as all that shit with my latest ex, and now I'm talking to my previous ex, the one i was in a terrible relationship, and we're actually getting along, not arguing, not blaming each other, no recriminations, just discussing the past, what was wrong with it and things we';ve discovered and realised ever since parting ways 4 years ago.

life is fucking weird man

[QUOTE=kijji;48938324]Please don't try hurting yourself again, if you need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM any of us or add us on Steam, we all care :smile:[/QUOTE] No offense, but this always seems like a stock response. Does anyone actually bother contacting anyone?

[QUOTE=KillerJaguar;48938711]No offense, but this always seems like a stock response. Does anyone actually bother contacting anyone?[/QUOTE] I wouldn't know but I'd hope so. Something like that's a pretty serious matter and any shot at helping is worth it, the way I see it.

Let's start a steam/skype group, tbh distraction and finding new circles of friends, even if its just online, could be helpful.

[QUOTE=KillerJaguar;48938711]No offense, but this always seems like a stock response. Does anyone actually bother contacting anyone?[/QUOTE] To be honest, I'm pretty bad at helping people because I'm bad at helping myself, I just say what I think is right. Does that make me a bad person?

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;48938966]Let's start a steam/skype group, tbh distraction and finding new circles of friends, even if its just online, could be helpful.[/QUOTE] Yeah, a group full of emotionally unstable teens / young adults.

[QUOTE=littlefoot;48939206]Yeah, a group full of emotionally unstable teens / young adults.[/QUOTE] Ouch I was only trying to help.