Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=HumanAbyss;48937995]I attempted suicide today. I'm done. I have nothing left to give. I have no more tolerance or endurance for this shit. I'm done. I'm just too much of a coward to end it.[/QUOTE] Yo you're one of the coolest guy on FP! I have seen you in many threads and love your style of posting Don't do anything stupid please

oh maaan, how could I ever get suspicious against the people I'm in social contact with? when I think back at it, they've only shown positive signs. right now I'm 50 minutes into a chat with one of them, oh god oh man it feels so good feeling wanted and entertaining to chat with. I imagine I'll keep finding negative signs as it's kind of burnt into my way of thinking, but I'll make a greater effort to ignore them. eventually they should disappear completely! even if there are negative signs, if they don't like me what can I do about it? I can't possibly save a relation when one side doesn't like the other.

Isn't it the worst when you feel like nothing is real anymore? Like, it's all just some surreal dream and you're going to wake up soon but you never do? It sounds cheesy but I've been feeling like that all month. It feels like someone is artificially making my life shit behind the scenes and is taking away anything that could get me out of this rut, like I'm supposed to feel this way and these things are supposed to be happening. Sometimes I'm just laying on the couch like a dead body for like, 5 minutes, and then when I get up it's been a half an hour. Then I'll go upstairs into my room for something and my alarm clock will say 15 minutes have past when it could not have taken me more than a minute to walk up the stairs. Both of those clocks were synchronized. it's just like a dream when clocks keep changing times. Also I feel unusually lethargic, but nothing can energize me. There is no lasting effect when I sleep, eat, or rest at all. I only feel good when I'm presently doing the thing, and then it goes away as soon as I stop doing it. There is no lasting energy or happiness in me anymore. I've found a slight work around to this. Music can pump me up, but I go into like this trance where I can only pace around and vividly daydream about stuff and I never can sit down and get anything done. As soon as I take my earphones out, I lose my energy. It's the weirdest sensation when you can feel your toes and fingers and stuff, but you can barely move. That only happens in dreams, when you feel so weighted down for seemingly no reason. I've had dreams like that where something was coming after me but i was too weak to move away from it. I feel like someone's drugging me all the time. The fatigue has gotten so bad I can't even drive anymore. That's like one of the most important things you need to do as an adult, not even a hard one, and I can't even handle that anymore. I just can't stay alert enough, I'm a danger on the road. Sleeping never helps. I need to face the fact that it's not a dream, but deep down I kind of wish everything was a dream so I could stop worrying about shit and relax. There are these huge chunks of time that inexplicably disappear and I have no memory of it going. I'm not even goofing off when this happens, I could just be standing around and all of a sudden it's been an hour. I've been doing less than the bare minimum for school recently because I just can't keep going anymore, but at the same time I can't afford to stop and take a break. I wish I could just stop time for a second and catch my breath. Time just races by, but I have so much shit to do and I'm already feeling the consequences of important things not getting done properly or at all. The biggest problem is that it's really hard to get help for this because I can't really take the stress that will come from the fact that this is real and I can't do it on my own. I really can't handle stress very well at all. One time I called the suicide hotline and i shit you not I stared at that phone and paced around for a good 3 hours before actually making the call. I really should be at a higher level of maturity and responsibility than this but for whatever reason I'm not and that's really hard for me to take. It just makes you feel so subhuman, you know? That you can barely do what seems like the bare minimum of the average person. What's worse is that I wasn't always like this, but I could never pinpoint when or why I changed. Whatever, I'm just going to rest. I probably shouldn't but I didn't get anything done today so the worst has already happened. Nothing I can do about it now.

[QUOTE=Renegade Master;48953954]Isn't it the worst when you feel like nothing is real anymore? [/QUOTE] have you read up about depersonalization / derealization? I've suffered from the very same feeling ever since some time in 2014 I believe, early 2014. it might have popped up earlier, but this is the earliest I can remember properly feeling it. in February it got massively intensified to the point of completely handicapping me for half a year. I still suffer from it very heavily, hasn't gone down any at all. I just learned to live with it. there are times where it's even more powerful and at those times it handicaps me like it did to begin with. it comes from suffering from a great deal of anxiety over a long period if I remember correctly. you start phasing out of reality to protect yourself against it, numbs you

Is anger something that can be found with depression? I tend to get mad over the smallest things and sometimes want to start shit with people or think about starting shit, but thankfully I know better.

So I went to the psychiatrist today and got a prescription. I took the first one and already started to feel better. I ended up hanging out with a friend that I otherwise would have declined to. Though my mom is now aware of my situation and how borderline suicidal I was. The doctor suggested I be hospitalized but that scared me. Especially the financial burden it would bring. But now I'm a lot better. I also learned (not that it should surprise me) that I'm very withdrawn, and I don't like telling people things. I keep a lot of information to myself or otherwise restricted.

[QUOTE=Yahnich;48948233]i started a little booklet and every time i smile i write down what made me smile; day 1 i got 4 things and i'm not sure if that's a good or a bad[/QUOTE] This is really adorable. I like this idea a lot and I'm thinking of picking this up myself! It's a nice lil reminder of the good things your small world even if it's your cat nuzzling up to you or eating something you enjoy It's just the small things and that's really sometimes what makes everything worth it

Well, Ive thought of one way to keep myself distracted, by kicking back into making the chainmail shirt I'm making for a friend, needs a lot fo concentration so should do me for a couple dozen hours.

So, the Misfits are coming to Cincinnati on November 28th and I'm taking a friend who I've been always into. It's thirty dollars a ticket so I'm kinda hoping we can go and I don't have have to third wheel.

[QUOTE=kijji;48955537]Is anger something that can be found with depression? I tend to get mad over the smallest things and sometimes want to start shit with people or think about starting shit, but thankfully I know better.[/QUOTE] I get unreasonably angry at things, and have to bite my fist or punch a wall or something to not scream out of frustration. It's strange for me since I essentially never used to get angry. This has only happened to me in the last two years or so although I've been more or less depressed for much longer. Also some rough mood swings, in those cases I just close whatever chats I have going on etc to avoid lashing out at people. Sometimes hiding under the covers on my bed helps. I wish I could meet my dogs more often as I have infinite patience with them and realizing that helped my confidence a lot.

Paper pushing must be a nightmare. It turned out that my admission note to the acute outpatient ward never got sent. So the day before last I talked about this with my psychiatrist, then yesterday I went for another checkup with a psychiatric doctor and today my psychiatrist called to inform that the admission note has finally been sent. It'll be two weeks for it to get processed and then they are gonna keep a closer eye on me and start working on medication. Medication which I can refuse of course. But if I do end up trying medication then I feel like I should find someone I can trust and whom is stable themselves. I feel the need to give my blank-gun to someone for storing in case I get heavily struck by suicidalism if I have a bad reaction to the medication.

I'm just so happyyyyyyyyy. I'm so glad I've begun pouring energy into losing weight, it feels so good spending it on something. counting calories, going to the gym, making dinner (have to, or at least participate in the dinner so I know the amount of calories), all of that stuff, it gives me something to do! sure I go hungry a lot, but I'm not feeling unmotivated at all. after all the times I've tried to lose weight, I have a good feeling that this is the one time I will succeed. earliest time I remember me starting to dislike my body was as early as 4th grade, which got heavily intensified when I got bullied for 2 years from 5th to 6th. always been there, large source of low self esteem. that's almost 12 years I believe! and now it's happening! while making dinner, I got a snap from another person not involved in the current group I'm with. asked me "whats up?", followed by me telling her what I was up to, she told me what she did then she sent another with "Missu". can't say I really miss her that much back, but it feels sooooo good that someone after being absent for an entire year suddenly tells me that. I must be doing something right, some people actually miss me and like me! I think I might pursue this relation. it feels kind of wrong since this is mostly because I'm desperate for friends again, I don't really like her that much. I just hope I can build a social network out from her again. is that selfish of me? perhaps a little mean to her? I've also calmed down with me being all suspicious on people, I'm sure it'll pop up again but right now I'm not worried at all that they dislike me. or I still worry that one of them doesn't like me, but eh, what can I do about that? at least I'm not spending all my time worrying about her view on me like I used to [editline]22nd October 2015[/editline] I'm so happy right now I feel amaaaaazing

GUH HERE's HOW I FEEL IN ONE WORD [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/TmAkILI.png[/IMG] I just want to fucking stop feeling like death all the goddamn time [editline]afds[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;48959234]I'm so happy right now I feel amaaaaazing[/QUOTE] I'm happy for you that you're happy [IMG]https://facepunch.com/fp/ratings/heart.png[/IMG]

I've begun to have manic highs that immediately accompany the lows. Not sure if this is a bad sign or not.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48960044]I've begun to have manic highs that immediately accompany the lows. Not sure if this is a bad sign or not.[/QUOTE] Use those manic highs as motivation

i'm hallucinating

[QUOTE=Qaus;48960762]i'm hallucinating[/QUOTE] what is it

false memories a lot of them

[QUOTE=Qaus;48960762]i'm hallucinating[/QUOTE] Spread some cold water on your face, hug a pillow and put on some relaxing music, might help :c

[t]http://i.imgur.com/n4koEPi.jpg[/t] "stop faking it, i'm not taking you to the doctor" [editline]22nd October 2015[/editline] that came from my face btw

I love all of you in here. Stay beautiful and I hope everyone is either having a good time, or having a better time then before. Also if anyone need to vent, just PM me :) [editline]22nd October 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Qaus;48961075] that came from my face btw[/QUOTE] Jesus, show them this so they know that you actually need to go to the doctor!

I have discovered that I am much more comfortable in public if I have a coat It covers my arms and it feels like it's hugging me

Speaking of coats and covering arms. I am slightly self concscious about my upper arms. Like I'm fine and comfortable with everything else on my body, except my arm fat. That (unfortunatley) wont go away unless I continue dieting and doing cardio. >This is the reason I refuse to wear dresses or tank tops. Why does the body think thats a good place to store fat?

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;48961340]Speaking of coats and covering arms. I am slightly self concscious about my upper arms. Like I'm fine and comfortable with everything else on my body, except my arm fat. That (unfortunatley) wont go away unless I continue dieting and doing cardio. >This is the reason I refuse to wear dresses or tank tops. Why does the body think thats a good place to store fat?[/QUOTE] I have that issue with my face/neck and legs, thats where my body likes to store fat :v:

Practically a full month on from the breakup and the world still doesn't make any sense, I keep feeling like I'm going to wake up ,or that its been an elaborate and cruel prank on me. I just want my life back the way it was, but I'm never going to get it back.

[QUOTE=RayvenQ;48961561]Practically a full month on from the breakup and the world still doesn't make any sense, I keep feeling like I'm going to wake up ,or that its been an elaborate and cruel prank on me. I just want my life back the way it was, but I'm never going to get it back.[/QUOTE] That's how I feel two months on from my dads death. It'll improve, slowly. It has to.

I'm feeling a lot better after starting my medicine. I feel back to the way I was when the semester started. And no more suicidal thought.

lol my mom is angry at me for bleeding i'm going to bed

the clinic that i went to said "we don't think you need another appointment or antidepressants" well bother, i feel the same now as i did a month ago

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48961109]I have discovered that I am much more comfortable in public if I have a coat It covers my arms and it feels like it's hugging me[/QUOTE] I like coats because it hides my body in general. I don't like how my body looks :s: