Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;48960392]Use those manic highs as motivation[/QUOTE]Doesn't really work, I can't focus.

3 years ago it was weed, 2 years ago it was amphetamines, last year was opiates, and this year is psychedelics. i can't find any fucking drugs that actually help with these horrible feelings AT ALL. i genuinely had confidence that psychedelics would finally change me for the better and rid me of this indescribable horribleness. being that its so "therapeutic" i thought i was done. NOPE i dont know where else to turn, im running out of options at this point.

[video=youtube;WEQnzs8wl6E]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEQnzs8wl6E[/video] It's one of those nights

Is it weird to feel sort of starved for physical contact? I really hope it's not creepy and I'm not fucked in the head or anything but I like hugs and it hurts that I've had none for a long time :(

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48963816]Is it weird to feel sort of starved for physical contact? I really hope it's not creepy and I'm not fucked in the head or anything but I like hugs and it hurts that I've had none for a long time :([/QUOTE] No that's not weird or creepy at all, everybody feels like that at some point or another.

I've come to realize that I have an aggressive, contrarian personality. This is probably due to some familial trauma during my formative years. I feel really guilty that I used to be so much of an ass to people. Just looking back on my old posts on this forum from 2013, I needlessly attacked people and turned valuable conversation into negative experiences. For example, I would really aggressively insult someone in a game of TF2 for having a Minecraft avatar, since I think it's a super overrated game. It bugs me that so many people like it, but I'm ready to live and let live! These guys are nice people otherwise. They don't deserve my petty trolling, and I'm ready to stop being a legitimate bully over issues as small as personal taste. How do I stop being so judgemental and contemptuous? I'm ready to be a kind person again.

I may be getting stressed out, my shoulders are always tense now and my jaw is clenched. What do I do? :s:

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48963834]No that's not weird or creepy at all, everybody feels like that at some point or another.[/QUOTE]Thank you :)

[QUOTE=kijji;48963871]I may be getting stressed out, my shoulders are always tense now and my jaw is clenched. What do I do? :s:[/QUOTE] Rub one out.

[QUOTE=pdp;48963837]I've come to realize that I have an aggressive, contrarian personality. This is probably due to some familial trauma during my formative years. I feel really guilty that I used to be so much of an ass to people. Just looking back on my old posts on this forum from 2013, I needlessly attacked people and turned valuable conversation into negative experiences. For example, I would really aggressively insult someone in a game of TF2 for having a Minecraft avatar, since I think it's a super overrated game. It bugs me that so many people like it, but I'm ready to live and let live! These guys are nice people otherwise. They don't deserve my petty trolling, and I'm ready to stop being a legitimate bully over issues as small as personal taste. How do I stop being so judgemental and contemptuous? I'm ready to be a kind person again.[/QUOTE] I feel like I have a similar personality, and at times I find that I disagree with people as an outlet for stress. If it's a similar situation for you, finding another way to relieve stress is probably a good idea. Physical things that exhaust you are really good for that. My ex fiance has been on my mind tonight. We were together for 4 years, that's a long time to spend with someone for them to just drop out of your life. A fifth of my current lifetime was spent with her, a fifth of my life spent building a friendship, habits, learning who each other was, etc. When she left, a fifth of who I came to be left with her. I can't walk around town without having flashbacks to times we spent together. I'm so stuck on our break though. It was technically my decision officially, but it felt like the only option and the best one for me. I had just been kicked out of her cousin's house due to stupid circumstances, so I was living at my dad's house. She worked full time, so I didn't expect to see her much, if at all during that week, but I figured she would at least visit on the weekend. She didn't visit. She hardly even talked to me leading up to the weekend after, even after I constantly told her that I missed her and wanted to see her. Another week goes by with little to no communication. The second weekend after I got kicked out, she finally calls me. Apparently she's tripping on acid and it's her second time doing it, the first being the previous weekend. She's telling me how much she misses me and that she's sorry for everything that happened. She also tells me that she slept with our mutual friend Jimmy the previous weekend ( A guy who has wanted her the entire time we were together ). It's a real slap to the face, because not only did she pretty much ignore me and bail on me, but she chose to do a mind altering substance with some random dude then sleep with him. Previously when I mentioned acid, she claimed she wouldn't do it until she was 20, two years from now. She wouldn't do acid with me, but she did with him. We were supposed to share that experience of doing acid for the first time together. It makes me feel really worthless that a 4 year relationship pretty much amounted to nothing. That it could just blow away like a beautifully crafted sand mandala. Who am I, if I am no longer the other half?

Any reason I find it physically impossible to wake up in the mornings? I can snooze an alarm for 4 hours straight.

The only thing i think about when i'm outside is when i'll be able to go back to my comfy shell

I've become immune to my anti-phychotics and anti-depressants, and all the psychiatrists in my area are shit and are only in it for the money. And my parents would never get a decent one from Toronto. It's strange how even though I am living in an okay household financially in the first world, I still feel trapped and unable to do anything life changing.

Well it's too cold to go running at all today so forget that. I'm tempted to walk downtown and see if there's any shops I can poke around at and window shop just for the sake of getting out of the house. I get reeeally sick and tired of being stuck inside.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;48965832]Well it's too cold to go running at all today so forget that. I'm tempted to walk downtown and see if there's any shops I can poke around at and window shop just for the sake of getting out of the house. I get reeeally sick and tired of being stuck inside.[/QUOTE] Going for walks is nice. I usually just walk around my local mall every once in a while. Though I don't really go inside many stores.

holy fuck! I bought something at the clothing store today and the hardware store all by myself! I have always been way too anxious to go alone, always having needed either my family or hospital staff to help me out. and I just fucking nailed it today?????? going to the gym, what the fuuck is this wizardry, how has it helped so much [editline]23rd October 2015[/editline] I've been in really good mood non stop for two days, what the hell is going on??? I think this is the happiest I've been since I fell ill [editline]23rd October 2015[/editline] what the fuck maaaan there's hope

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;48965832]Well it's too cold to go running at all today so forget that. I'm tempted to walk downtown and see if there's any shops I can poke around at and window shop just for the sake of getting out of the house. I get reeeally sick and tired of being stuck inside.[/QUOTE] Even if it's as much as sitting out in the garden, it's a good change of scenery instead of being stuck indoors all the time :smile: I usually go down town to poke around the charity shops. Gives me something to look forward to every week.

I never mention that I take antiphychotics offline to close people even because I don't want them to think I would shoot up a place or that I can hear dead people or someother stereotype

tried to od tonight woke up 14 hours later

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;48969217]I never mention that I take antiphychotics offline to close people even because I don't want them to think I would shoot up a place or that I can hear dead people or someother stereotype[/QUOTE] I'm also on antipsychotics, and i'm exactly the same. Some things are just better kept to oneself. A shame though.

back to feeling rather down after another social encounter. seems to be a vicious cycle where social encounters break me down and make me sad afterwards, then I slowly build myself up again, love myself and life, feel ready for another social encounter then I'm back to zero. I feel so boring to be around. I'm so incredibly passive, have no opinions and just agree with whatever anyone says. I rarely have anything to start up conversations with, I just tag along with whatever the others bring up. it wasn't like this before, I believe I'm scared of saying stuff that's not okay to say. regarding opinions, I'm scared someone will have a differing opinion and bring it up which I'd rather not happen, I'm scared to start up conversation topics since I'm afraid they might not be interesting, I'm afraid to say stuff that is inappropriate, etc. I just generally tag along with whatever anyone else is doing or talk about. never start something on my own. one of my roommates at the ward I was kicked out of described me as this as well. he said something along the lines of "as long as you have a cup of milk and your essentials you're just happy anyway". I'm not sure if that's a positive or a bad thing? he didn't exactly say it in the most positive tone. anyway, he saying that means I'm not alone in feeling this stuff anyway. I'm too passive and I don't like it, I wish I was able to initiate something myself. I know it's bad but I constantly compare myself to others. I see someone who is socially comfortable, then I look at myself and don't see any of the traits I wish I had. I really wish I was supposed to go to the gym today, but I don't have any today or tomorrow. gotta wait all the way until Monday. at least that's a good sign, I'm still very motivated to fight the kilos even when sad! [editline]24th October 2015[/editline] oh my god! I weighed myself right now, far from the ideal time as I've been awake for some hours, I've eaten and I've drunk. I told myself it was okay to weigh 100kg as it's not the ideal time, but the weight fucking hit 98.4kg! to think I weighed 102kg when I weighed myself days before I was put in the previous hospital! progresssss!! [editline]24th October 2015[/editline] I'm gonna be sexy in 6 months for sure

[QUOTE=anders22;48971389]I'm also on antipsychotics, and i'm exactly the same. Some things are just better kept to oneself. A shame though.[/QUOTE] When friends come over the first thing I do is point out my collection of pill bottles while jokingly mentioning how I'm crazy. It usually gets those assumptions out of the way pretty quickly

Mfw I'm stuck and this last 10 lbs is being so goddamn stubborn. Someone just rip this extra fat off of my arms god damn it.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;48972474]Mfw I'm stuck and this last 10 lbs is being so goddamn stubborn. Someone just rip this extra fat off of my arms god damn it.[/QUOTE] 90% of your time will be spent on the last 10% This rule applies a lot of things

It's been a while, birthday was pretty crap if you use the heuristic definition of what a 'birthday' comprises of. At least I got a small bit of money to buy additional stuff on Steam, and some people wished me well.

Sometimes I fantasize about not being a hopelessly lonely sad sack of shit but then I remember that people would probably have more fun pushing me in a ditch and then lighting me on fire than actually spending any free time with me

I don't think I can handle this on my own anymore, but I'm so fucking lost I don't know where to go. I hate being a minor and a dependent.

So I'm setting myself till the 10th or 11th of November to make the hardest decision of my life.

[QUOTE=RayvenQ;48976218]So I'm setting myself till the 10th or 11th of November to make the hardest decision of my life.[/QUOTE] I'm interested, what is that decision?

Yesterday while I was working I had a really bad panic attack, and as far as I'm aware its the first panic attack I've ever had. It ended with me paralyzed on the floor, my whole body numb, heart rate 99 bpm, screaming "help me im going to die". I was taken to the hospital and they said everything was fine, I was just really stressed. Well I'm back home but my left side of my body is mess. Muscle cramps, weird strange feelings, nerves bonked out. I tried going back to my job to explain to my boss what happened but stepping out of the car I felt like I was going to have another one. I feel like I'm completely house-stuck because every time I go outside I get this feeling of dread. I never had this problem before and it just came out of nowhere. I have to go back to work a day from now and I just don't know what I'm going to do. Fuck man. Is there anybody in this thread who suffers from panic attacks that could give me advice?