Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Have any of you guys got any advice on anger management? In particular getting negative feedback and not feeling like your hard work wasn't worth it?

So I guess nobody wants to hang out with me ever anymore. I have very few friends to begin with and they seem to be drifting away slowly and steadily... I always see them having fun and doing cool stuff without me, and when I try to confront them on it or ask them what happened some say I try to force myself into their hangouts or say that they just forgot to invite me. I never leave my house at this point because I see no use in trying to do anything productive when all that will happen in the outcome is me feeling insecure. My home life sucks, I have a dying mother who needs my constant help and attention and no father (he was abusive). I suffer from some huge depression, anxiety, self esteem, etc. issues and it makes my life like an emotional prison. I have no clue what to do at this point because either way I will end up back at my own personalized hell. I just want to not be me anymore. This is just the surface of my life all the time.

feeling pretty down after socializing today, which isn't a first. I must have been out for like 7 hours, felt so much longer. I was at a girls place and all we did was watch movies all day, holy shit that is exhausting. we talked occasionally, but it wasn't often. felt odd and weird. now I feel like we didn't speak enough, that I was boring to be around, and so on. feel terrible. [editline]1st November 2015[/editline] fuck man, feeling really down. I just don't understand what people see in me, why do people bother. I feel obnoxious whenever I contact people.

Tonight I had the strangest dream, the cheesiest one I've ever had. I was a lord at a castle or something, and I had a wife who I loved very much and she loved me. Then something that I can't remember happened and she started hating me and did not want to be with me. I walked around the castle, so sad, nowhere to go and nothing to do. Eventually I walked into a bedroom with three other men in it and asked them for a knife, they seemed hesitant but I said "for I will kill myself with it" and so they gave me it. I walked over to the window and looked outside, though I didn't see what was outside. I pondered on wether I should go through with the suicide or not, so I started talking. I talked about lies and deceit and I spun it into a very dramatic poem, then in the middle of it my wife came into the room seeming interested to hear what I had to say. My poem changed tone and became directed at my wife, I began talking about how I had never lied to her and how horrible I felt that she hated me. When I was done, she loved me again and we ran out of the castle and lay in the grass hugging eachother, and then I woke up. I can't remember the last time I've had a good ending to my dreams, but it was sad to wake up into reality.

Well, turns out trying to reconcile with one of my ex's and meet as friends was a bad idea, she soon started showing her old behaviour and ways, so I told her I don't think it'd work even as friends and that we should go our separate ways and the bitch turned crazy on me, calling it emotional abuse (ha!) Threatening to call the cops on me because I no longer wanted to be her friend and trying to emotionally blackmail me. So yeah bad bad idea with her.

So fucking close to just killing myself. My brain just doesn't work properly anymore. I can't do this. I'm never gonna be normal again. I just want to fucking dissappear. Doctors won't do shit and just humor me. Why did it have to happen to me.

I just had the worst appointment with a psychologist ever, not because of the psychologist he seemed great, but I just couldn't open up and it was awkward and shit. I asked to book another appointment though and got one on friday this week, I'm sure it'll go better.

I'm not sure what this is called, but lately as I'm falling asleep my brain is having these super-fast self-conscious thoughts and it's almost like a reality check. I wake up not remembering them all. Some of them I already know to be true and some are just straight up negative and hurtful. Like for starters, I recently met up with an internet friend and had a good time. For whatever reason I was thinking: "You're so awkward, I bet he thought you were weird. what's your best friend going to think when you meet her next week? She's going to think you're awful and she's never going to want to be your roomate! You'll be on your own." or "You'll never lose that extra 10 lbs and you'll be fat and no one will love you!" or "Even if you do lose that weight, your body shape and face will still be ugly and you'll never get a girlfriend!" Normally I've been very good at repressing thoughts like this, because I've been off of anti depressants for almost two years now, no therapy or anything. But as of lately they seem to be springing up just as I'm going to sleep or as I'm waking up. Which makes me super sad and sour in the mornings. I keep telling myself that it's just depression talking.

:snip: nevermind

Attempt to join the military has fallen apart yet again, its more or less alright since i'll be attending my first year of college at GMC as part of the core of cadets. It feels so surreal after going nowhere since graduating highschool three years ago. Its weird, so much and yet so little has happened. In the past few years, i volunteered overseas (for like a month), held a job for eight months, failed to join the military five times now, fucked up like four college attempts, was tossed aside by my first love (after i failed to pull myself out of depression). I just keep failing to change myself, I stand up, and then somehow i fall right back down. I don't know how to express this odd feeling of worry and euphoria, its like i've let go of the past, but because of my previous experiences, believe the past will repeat itself again, and bring this ambition to ruin. Its weird, and i'm if i word this badly. I just feel like i've fucked up every opportunity to do whats right, like theres no way i can do whatever it is i'm supposed to in this life. Like every success i have will be a failure, because it wasn't as things should have been. My first love and several others just stopped caring, like as if they've just decided that no matter what i do, i'll always be a fuckup. I just don't get it, like how could you give up on someone. I know i'm a fuckup, i know it better than anyone, but their actions have been equivalent to kicking me while i'm down, and rubbing dirt in my face. It doesn't fucking help, it just sinks me further into this god damn pit. Now i'm ultra worried about whether choosing to attend GMC over waiting for the military bureaucracy was the proper decision. I'm sorry for this rant, typing as if this was a blog, but i just have to get this out. Its just like what do I do, like how can i believe in myself anymore after all my past failures, and being abandoned to a shitty fate by my loved ones. I'm just so god damned lucky to have my sister, being willing to put my stupid ass through college. I tell myself that i shouldn't hold onto my failures, because we are always where we need to be in order to do what we need to, regardless of what we think is necessary. I tell myself that those closest to me haven't truly given up. I tell myself that all that i need to do is never give up. TLDR; all of my previous fuck ups are making me worried to hell, that this next attempt will be another fuck up. Some of my closest gave up on me, and kicked me when down. I don't know what to do, i don't know how to handle this. PLEASE, to anyone who took the time to read this, if you've any advice, no matter how small, PLEASE give me something. AND THANK YOU to anyone who read this. And I'M SORRY for using this thread like a damn blog just now.

Lately my girlfriend and I had been having some trouble. After a blow-up at my household, we moved up to her family's house and got settled in there. Since we got up here, she turned into a complete flake. She'd blow off any household chore of hers to go hang out with her friends, leaving me to watch the dog. She'd often not come back until 3AM or later, waking everyone else up in the process. She was, more often than not, drunk. Every time she upset her family, it was my job to try and mend things. I haven't been able to work due to my knee being fucked up, so I've been pulling double around the house. She has a part time job at a dollar store. A week ago, it was Girlfriend's turn to do the dishes. I offered to do them for her but she assured me she'd do them. There weren't a lot that needed done. It couldn't have taken more than 5 minutes. She blew it off for a week, and a small pile turned into overflowing. She continually failed to uphold her word, even after reminders from everyone else. She spent last night out at her friend's house drinking with her brother. Today we had a talk. I told her that she was becoming a flake and how her word was meaning less and less. Her mom told her the same thing in less kinder wording. Girlfriend packed up her things and left me and her dog at the house, only telling us that she was moving. Not even where to. She didn't even say that she loved me. I think I just got broken up over dirty dishes. I'm not mad, nor sad. I'm just disappointed that that's how much our two year relationship meant to her.

[QUOTE=Alex Rider;49026567]:words:[/QUOTE] Small update, the university are "double checking" my current status to confirm a few things. Seems to be going in a positive direction in removing incorrect tuition fee charges. Would have been nice if they actually communicated better though between departments.

I'm reaching some breaking point, I don't know if it'll end with me hurting myself or actually getting help but I can feel I'm approaching something fast

I fall in love so easily and out of love so fucking hard it's getting annoying and embarrassing I feel so stupid, awful, undesirable and ashamed of myself for being so naïve that I'm really tempted to do something I'm probably gonna regret. I don't have the guts, though. I seriously wish I did.

Socializing is so emotionally draining. [editline]3rd November 2015[/editline] I can't even log onto SL anymore.

I feel like I'm slowly but surely falling back to just signing out of everything. I haven't done anything drastic at this point, but I think I might be seeing signs. going to bed is starting to get delayed again, I sleep way longer even when I need to wake up, I'm starting to feel a little unsure if I'm gonna go be social if invited, and now I for some reason said fuck you to getting to sleep soon by consuming caffeine even when I know it'll fuck everything up. I also skipped making dinner today but that was mostly because I've been out all day, I ate enough chocolate to cover a dinner calorie wise so I shouldn't starve at least. other than that, yet again I feel terrible after being social. feel like I maybe said odd stuff, acted odd, didn't speak enough, etc. the usual. ughghhgh

Yay for running in circles with doctors. On the plus side the doctor said yes you are right, except I can't help you. So go see that other doctor that the mental health nurse asked that we refer you to. This shit is annoying as fuck.

I was worried that I was breaking out in acne or even worse: chicken pox. But no it turns out its just heat rash (prikly heat) or whatever, and it should clear up within this week. I was going to cry if it was acne or chicken pox because I have a trip booked to see my best friend later next week. Skin problems or any sort of illness like that really freaks me out and gets me all worried.

I don't know what to do. I walked out on my job awhile ago and ended up going back a few days later. Then I went to the psych ward for about about 2 weeks to get better without telling them anything. I went to get my check when i came back I told them I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and they asked when I wanted to work again so I ended up working later that day. The thing is I cant stand this job anymore. At the same time I want the money. Should I leave for good if i am really this unhappy at my job?

does anyone know how to start appreciating what you have? some people I know are legit (friendly) jealous of some things in my life, yet I feel like mine is way more crap than theirs, mainly because they're in a relationship and i'm not

feeling pretty amazing, loving life right now. working out is some seriously good shit also tried some clothes I bought this Saturday for the first time at home, god damn I look good. I didn't buy an entire outfit, but out of pure coincidence I already had some really nice black jeans and a nice beanie to go along with it. it also fits my grey sweatpants pretty good as well. think I might have found a clothing style I feel comfortable in, that's pretty cool [editline]4th November 2015[/editline] fuck I should have branched out with clothes ages ago, I would have discovered this so much faster. [editline]4th November 2015[/editline] it's crazy to think I previously considered suicide and often thought about it! I was a fucking idiot maan! woo fuck yeah, go life!

Winter's coming, and I'm already starting to feel alienated from everyone. I don't talk to many people at all anymore cuz I feel like there's no longer a point. I'm not that important to anyone so why the fuck should I waste anyone's time by trying to associate and relate to them when I can't even figure out why anyone would want to be my friend in the first place? People always tell me "Oh your nice and this and that" and I just can't accept any of it. Maybe I'm nice, but that's about it. There's nothing else about me that is interesting in the slightest, so really, what's the point in even trying to talk to anyone? It all goes to the same place. Say hi. Ask what's up or how they're doing. Maybe talk about something else for a little bit, and then that's it. Nothing about me or my life is interesting enough to talk about. I've still gotta get my GED, but after that, what? Go to a college that will put me deeper in debt and feel alienated even more? I'm struggling to find any reasons to keep on existing at this point. I'm just sort of there. A perpetual background character. It's not like I want to be the center of anyone's life. To be honest, I'd hate that. I just don't feel like anything I do has made an impact on anyone. My entire social life is online, which isn't healthy I know, but what other options do I have? There's really no one else around here. I can't just get out and do shit like everyone else. A lot of times, I just think I'm to inept to be important to someone other than my parents, and really, that's the only people who I'd need to be important to anyway, so why the fuck do I feel so alone? I know it's all my fault, but I've been too unmotivated to do jack shit about it. What's the point?

Took a test to try and get into "General Education Math", or Math 115. This basically just means lowest common denominator math that everyone who can rub brain cells together at a college level has to do. My score wasn't even high enough to get into remedial classes. I am literally at a 6th grade math level. Honest to god, with all of my grades slipping, my relationships strained or broken, I'm thinking suicide is a good option. I'll just be a financial and emotional drain to everyone else at this rate. [editline]4th November 2015[/editline] Not to mention the fact that I've gotten to be really fucking fat. To stop wasting everyone's money on food for me, I've decided to officially (starting tomorrow) eat less than 200 calories a day. Then, I'll get skinny faster, I'll eat less, and I won't look like a useless slob. If I can't lose these 25+ pounds by the end of the year, I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably just go flat out bulimia, it worked for my sister so it should probably work for me.

My depression really hasn't bothered me in awhile but starting uni has really been down on me. The anxiety doesn't help either. I had to audit my calculus class recently and its hard to tell my parents, as I was a 96% avg GPA student in HS. I will probably have to take a winter session to not delay my major which is a good chunk of money, which means either more loans or having to ask my parents, who are already angry & concerned and questioning if I'd pass given a 2nd chance. Academics was really all I had in high school so it's a real change to be struggling and having to study and it's giving me major anxiety even with my other classes. Socially I'm a failure too. I haven't left my dorm room much except to eat, given free time. I only really have one friend, my girlfriend, who I feel I think doesn't have feelings for me anymore, being such a boring person. Sometimes I figure she'll go eat with friends so if it's late I won't bother to ask her. Neither of us are big texters either so if I don't see her during the day we may just not talk. I'm stuck in a cycle of just playing a ton of video games, and eating unhealthy stuff more. I put on weight and waste my time so I start getting worse grades and worrying how awful I look which causes me to stay inside more and distract myself from stress with more games. Same cycle I fell into in high school, except I don't have friends irl this time to help distract me this time. I feel like I have no one to talk to offline, it's very lonely. I've been feeling apathetic which is affecting my will to go to class and do work, even though I know in my head I really need to. I might go back on ADs which I haven't in a long time now, but I feel like I can't break out of this myself this time

[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;49049051] Not to mention the fact that I've gotten to be really fucking fat. To stop wasting everyone's money on food for me, I've decided to officially (starting tomorrow) eat less than 200 calories a day. Then, I'll get skinny faster, I'll eat less, and I won't look like a useless slob. If I can't lose these 25+ pounds by the end of the year, I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably just go flat out bulimia, it worked for my sister so it should probably work for me.[/QUOTE] 200 cals a day? I really don't think you're gonna have the will power to even pull that through, and if you manage, I'd be surprised if you're alive after a month or two. if you survive that, you're gonna get a pretty horrible body. the end result won't be pretty. sure, you'll become skinny, but you're gonna lose every muscle along with the fat. so if you pull through with this all and survive it, I'd almost bet that you're gonna look like a literal skeleton. [t]http://www.bajiroo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/weird_bad_ugly_thin_thinest_man_male_boys_guys_skinny_models_pics_images_photo_pictures_1.jpg[/t] now you at least don't look like a slob anymore, now you look like a heroin junkie who is still as useless as before. now, I've always thought that losing weight was really hard. I have failed so many times and never understood why. it's quite simple, I was simply not doing it correctly. I remember once I tried exercising. that's all I did. no diet, no nothing. another time I exclusively tried to lose weight by eating less. that didn't work either. why? I actually had no idea what I put in my mouth so of course I might have gotten some extra cals here and there. so what am I doing to lose weight which has worked so great? first off, counting calories and weighing food. this is perhaps the best thing you can do to yourself when losing weight. it requires work of course, but it's great. then to make sure your body looks smashing once the fat is gone, start lifting as well. this is much easier and better than starving yourself from food, much easier to keep it going. I need to lose 45 pounds. I want to lose it as quickly as possible, and in the current rate, I'll be done in April. that's actually not too shabby. that's 6 months of doing this which sounds fantastic to me. I was expecting an entire year. not only that, but since I'm lifting weights, I'll actually get the nice, defined muscles when the fat percentage is low enough. I'd heavily recommend losing weight the correct way. you're just damaging your body and believe it or not, the end result is gonna leave you sour. remember that muscles burn before fat when starving. I'm sure you've seen someone who has a low fat percentage with little muscle. in my opinion, that's the worst body you can have. it really looks ugly, far more ugly than someone who has some extra fat. when you've reached your goal body fat percentage, you might end up looking like the guy above. very exaggerated picture of course, but keep in mind that eating disorders often leave people with bodies like those. bad ways to lose weight and good ways to lose weight. luckily the good way to lose weight is the one which also leaves you with the nice body, not the bad body.

I think this might be my first time posting in this thread, not too sure. I hate myself, and I don't know why. It undermines everything in my life, from my relationship with my girlfriend (I think I'm boring, that she'll leave me for someone else, despite her promising otherwise), to my ability to reach out to others (job applications, conversations), to simply appreciating myself. I've never been one to brag, probably never will be. I have a 3.5 GPA, am diversly talented (instruments, programming/math, drawing, etc), am not too bad looking ("handsome" according to some people, never believe em anyway), and I try to be the best person I can be to others. At its worst, I feel like I'm not enough. For the future (future employment, living alone, managing independent adult life), for others (my girlfriend, my friends, for my coworkers/bosses), for myself. I don't get senses of pride, and very rarely do I actually feel positive emotions (joy, excitement). I have everything going for me: the grades, a job, future employment opportunities, a girlfriend who loves me, better friends than I could ask for (even if I rarely see them now due to the grind of life). But none of this makes me feel secure or stable. I can't be confident in anything. I couldn't tell you why either. I've been like this for years, just nervous and unable to appreciate myself or what I have. Sometimes I just attack myself in thought. I remember a time when I used to punch myself when I got frustrated (when alone of course). I recently learned how relieving playing guitar is. It just erodes my frustration, anxiety, and sad thoughts. In particular, I'm getting anxious/feeling shitty over the fact that my girlfriend is hanging out with an old friend of mine, who is nothing special, "dumb" according to her (he is, honestly), and she says she wouldn't ruin our relationship. I believe her, but these negative thoughts don't come from a rational perspective. They strike when I feel low, or I feel low because of shit like this. For no reason. I don't know how to cope with it. Whenever I get like this (thinking she will leave me for someone else cause she's bored with me cause I'm boring), I just remember I have a habit of attacking myself. I want to subdue these feelings, but I am so scared. She means too much to me, losing her would ruin me (make my life going forward very difficult for a time). I shouldn't be getting this worked up. I feel like a piece of shit for being so concerned, even. My own worst enemy is me. Its so hard to keep a level head sometimes. She wants me to talk about it with her (she too is a depressed munchkin), since we told each other we'd be there for each other, and she doesn't want me bottling it up. I just don't want to scare her away, or have her get tired of reassuring me that everything is fine. I feel like I'm walking a metaphorical minefield. I'm sorry for the blog-esque post. I just really needed to talk about it. This isn't even a matter of relationship advice. I just need to learn how to keep myself together.

My mom overheard me talking to myself as I went through a list of ways to take in only 200 calories a day (I tend to talk to myself, it's a thing with me, w/e). So now, every morning, I show her what I'm going to be bringing to school for lunch, and she's actually convinced my friend to keep an eye on me. I hate the feeling of that, but I guess i acan deal with it.

[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;49050833]a list of ways to take in only 200 calories a day [/QUOTE] No seriously thou eating less than 200 cals a day is dangerous. :(

I'm just at 100lbs and even [I]I[/I] eat more than 200 calories a day.

It's honestly better to eat like 100 less calories a day than usual and to spend months losing the weight than it is to cut out 1000 less calories and risk a lot of health problems. 200 calories is like fuck all. That's four slices of bread a day. It's a single baked potato with pretty much nothing on it. It's halfway between a light snack and a small meal. Having only that for the entire day is not a good idea by any stretch at all. It's barely even a tenth of what you should be eating each day normally (2000-2500 calories). If you somehow keep to that (I don't think it's possible you will), you will quickly run into massive health issues.