Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I feel on the verge of having an eating disorder, I am really uncomfortable with how my body look and I want to fix it but I just feel so terrible all the time, I haven't attended class for 4 days now. I lost a bunch of weight but I want to lose more, all this flab on belly just makes me so uncomfortable with myself. I'm only 140 but the belly fat is noticeable if I take my shirt off, I really hate it I want to work out but I've felt super terrible past week or so

Today is my birthday and I'm having very deep intense suicidal thoughts. Nobody except facepunch and maybe one person is going to even acknowledge me let alone my date of birth. It's never felt worse to be 19 and I have been so depressed all the time recently. I'm exhausted

I think I'm going to get into drivers ed ASAP, I have some resources to help pay for it. Maybe if I can start driving I could start actually doing shit with my life.

[QUOTE=Chaseymusica;49100489]Today is my birthday and I'm having very deep intense suicidal thoughts. Nobody except facepunch and maybe one person is going to even acknowledge me let alone my date of birth. It's never felt worse to be 19 and I have been so depressed all the time recently. I'm exhausted[/QUOTE] You're in the hands of compassion now. Merely being able to express your suffering will make society take care of you, all you need to do is to make yourself visible, like you are doing now. We love you, you're already under our care, let go of confusion and fear. The nature of everything is to change.

Alright, so... In a few hours my flight leaves, and I'll get to see my best friend. I haven't been this excited since Christmas when I was a little kid. I'm talking about that flittery-butterflies-in-the stomach, child-like excitement. It's surreal, nothing has ever excited me this much. I can't even sleep and I've only got about an hour or two to fall asleep before I have to get up and ready to go. Guys I'm telling you, find what you want in life and go for it. [editline]12th November 2015[/editline] What I meant was: [I]there was a time when you were hapy; you can feel happy again.[/I]

Happiness can be taken away in an instant.

The same could be said for most things, including sadness.

I feel so incredibly bad right now, I feel like I've been hurting my mother by accident. she has struggled with weight for a long time (she's far, faaar from fat, she looks completely healthy and lean, but isn't happy with herself) and has wanted to get rid of some excess fat recently. she has also struggled with anorexia at one point in her life which is still following her to this day, weight is not a fun matter for her to say the least. she has seen my progress and has gotten some inspiration to lose herself, which I find pretty cool for both her and me. we recently ordered a form of jogging machine, I have no idea what they're called as I've never seen one before. when in use, it almost seems to simulate actual jogging with added resistance for when you push your legs down. in the end, it's mostly a cardio machine with some leg strength involved. my mother has been a frequent user of this machine. earlier after she had been doing it for 15 minutes, she was feeling well and was glad she had done it. felt tired and so on. now, judging from my past experience with cardio in general, I had a strong feeling that 15 minutes wouldn't really put much of a dent in the burned calories for the day. I figured that I should probably tell her that it's not that helpful and that it might be easier to cut down on food instead, but did point out that it was of course good for her cardiovascular health and psyche. after this she started pointing out "but... it must have helped somewhat?" and seemed to try to find reasons for it to have worked really well. I didn't think much of it at the moment, but holy shit, why did I say that? I feel like I completely crushed her well being and good conciousness from working out for those 15 minutes. that might have been pretty big for her and I didn't think of that. I felt like I needed to properly educate her with what works, that there might be an easier road, that building muscle makes you burn more calories when idle, and so on. what I've been taught and what I've read is that cardio is largely unnecessary as long as you maintain a calorie deficit which in my opinion is way easier than doing cardio for an hour and feeling like killing yourself afterwards. for me, I'd have to run on a treadmill for 2-2.5 hours to get a large enough calorie deficit that matches my current one every bloody day. if I went really, really intense to levels where I probably isn't able to push myself at all, I could trim it down to 37 minutes, but I would never be able to maintain that intensity. it's an odd situation. should I let her feel good from something that might not even work for her at all, or should I crush her current plans and come with something that will guaranteed work? she could pull off with creating a calorie deficit through cardio, but that'll be so tough compared to just simply not eating as much. I've introduced to her what has worked for me, shown her the apps I use, how to use them, and so on, but I think she feels a little overwhelmed by it all which of course is discouraging. I feel like I've done more harm than good, maybe she just needed a place to start and needed to figure out by herself that she would need to do something else as well. my intention was of course to help, but I already sit on a fair amount of knowledge that has gradually entered my head which I've tried to feed her with all at once. of course that's overwhelming!

Why is this in general discussion and not in a sub forum where someone has to sign up to view?

I can hear her using the cardio machine thing right now, I feel so incredibly sorry for her and feel terrible for saying the stuff she did had a chance of not working. she doesn't count, she constantly cheats by eating chocolate, and so on. then she gets discouraged when nothing moves on the scale after two days, she eats even more to cope, then thinks "I'll try again tomorrow", rinse and repeat.

So in 6 days it'll be two years since I dropped out of college, and I haven't done anything to better the situation, besides working a dead-end shitty job. I'm never going to get anywhere and I'm never going to realise my dreams.

[QUOTE=kijji;49102253]So in 6 days it'll be two years since I dropped out of college, and I haven't done anything to better the situation, besides working a dead-end shitty job. I'm never going to get anywhere and I'm never going to realise my dreams.[/QUOTE] Do it the snowmew way, bull shit your way to the top.

[QUOTE=JohhnyCarson;49102278]Do it the snowmew way, bull shit your way to the top.[/QUOTE] I'm not good at bullshitting :v:

Probably going to fail my biology test, and thus drop my grade back down to a D basically all morning i was considering giving up [editline]12th November 2015[/editline] wondering how i could go quietly, things like that my meds have stopped working

Gee I sure hope my doctor gets back to me about that appointment they canceled with hardly any notice so I don't run out of antipsychotics and ADHD stimulants

[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;49102764]Probably going to fail my biology test, and thus drop my grade back down to a D basically all morning i was considering giving up [editline]12th November 2015[/editline] wondering how i could go quietly, things like that my meds have stopped working[/QUOTE]Do you have a job? Anything to help take your mind off bad thoughts? Hobbies? Try exercising, makes you feel good and look good. The whole mind, body, soul aspect.

I wish I just had one person to do things with now and again. I'm mostly fine with having a lot of time alone but I literally never do anything with anyone and it sucks. I'd absolutely love to join a club but to be honest none of them are any good and I have no interest in any of the available ones. I'd love to be in a photography or writing club but this fucking school doesn't have either of them.

Felt in some really bad self destructive thoughts yesterday. It's strange how one's own mind can be the worst emotional-abuser to be found.

I don't ever want to leave this place. Everything is good.

I hate how I get really angry over the smallest things.

[QUOTE=TIIIN MAAAN;49103029]Gee I sure hope my doctor gets back to me about that appointment they canceled with hardly any notice so I don't run out of antipsychotics and ADHD stimulants[/QUOTE] That seems like a very odd combination. [editline]13th November 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=kijji;49108790]I hate how I get really angry over the smallest things.[/QUOTE] I get that too, mines due to ADHD as when I'm on the meds I don't get mad unless it's needed.

I feel like I have too many fleeting interests and will never really achieve my goals because of that. How can I stop being so fickle? I don't know who the fuck I am anymore.

I can't get a person out of my head, it's been three fucking months. I'm so fucking tired of feeling bad because of it and i don't know what the fuck to do about it either. One moment i'm happy but then the next moment she pops up in my head and then i get sad and feel down to earth. Thing is everytime she contacts me i get happy and then she cuts contact with me entirely and repeat. I don't really know what to do, i can't talk to my family about this except my sister but she moved to another city so it's hard to get hold of her. My friends are tired of me speaking about it, one of them said to me " Stop fooling yourself, she is not worth it" I really wish it was so fucking easy for me to just move on and forget about someone. I feel broken and i don't know how to fix it.

[QUOTE=kijji;49102757]I'm not good at bullshitting :v:[/QUOTE] Neither was he. He just did stuff and figured out what worked and what didn't. [editline]13th November 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=pdp;49109026]I feel like I have too many fleeting interests and will never really achieve my goals because of that. How can I stop being so fickle? I don't know who the fuck I am anymore.[/QUOTE] Focus on making money. When you do that, you can get involved whatever interests you.

Urges to hurt/cut myself have been getting really really strong lately, I don't know how much longer I can go before giving in

[QUOTE=DELL;49108792]That seems like a very odd combination. [editline]13th November 2015[/editline] I get that too, mines due to ADHD as when I'm on the meds I don't get mad unless it's needed.[/QUOTE] Holy shit that last bit is the worst, but the anger thing is something I didn't notice until a few months after I has been on adderall. I still notice the premed morning bitchiness, as in yesterday my roommate was up early making a bit of noise eating donuts in bed The small smacking noises made me off the wall mad. Like filled with primal rage. It was weird and a touch disconcerting

I sent in some songs to a development team a couple of weeks back and they still haven't said anything so I'm just gonna assume it's not happening, which saddens me cause I really liked the look of that game and it was gonna have one of the most famous voice actors in gaming industry (I'll give you a hint... ass and bubblegum).. On the other hand, I was contacted by a guy today who has a team that are going to make an mmo medieval/fantasy(?) game and he asked me to do a song - in a genre I've never done before - so I did a rough one in like an hour, and he really liked it and now I'm apparently on the team. He even asked me what I felt comfortable being paid each minute for my songs. I'm really excited about this.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49111078]Holy shit that last bit is the worst, but the anger thing is something I didn't notice until a few months after I has been on adderall. I still notice the premed morning bitchiness, as in yesterday my roommate was up early making a bit of noise eating donuts in bed The small smacking noises made me off the wall mad. Like filled with primal rage. It was weird and a touch disconcerting[/QUOTE] i hate feeling enraged.

i wish i had something to do or someplace to go or someone to meet.

Rope or gun?