Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Deathco;49112310]Rope or gun?[/QUOTE] nap

People tell me I'm too hard on myself, but I feel like I have to be so I stop making dumb mistakes at school and work, you know? Anyway, I hope your nights are going well. God knows we deserve a few clear days once in a while.

[QUOTE=Archimedes;49112602]People tell me I'm too hard on myself, but I feel like I have to be so I stop making dumb mistakes at school and work, you know? Anyway, I hope your nights are going well. God knows we deserve a few clear days once in a while.[/QUOTE] I think it's important to find a nice balance between being strict and chill with yourself. too chill, you get very few worries but you might risk being fairly non functional in regards to school and work since you just might not care enough to really bother. too strict and you cause too much strain on yourself, but you will probably do a lot better in everything. expectations might be a little high though and doing slightly worse than usual or expected might be very, very hard. I feel like I've always been on the more chill side of things. in regards to anxiety, social situations and my own view on myself I've always been more on the strict side, but everything else I don't really care about. when I went to school I always brushed off bad grades, didn't care about getting marks, and so on. didn't really care when I got high grades either, it was just cool. of course those were rare since I just didn't care enough [editline]14th November 2015[/editline] I've actually become scared of going to sleep now. I mean, I've been for a while, but it's maybe getting worse? I'm actually feeling rather tired, but I'm scared I won't be able to sleep. it's so easy to just give up on it since I'm not very hopeful it'll actually work. at the same time I find it more interesting and less of a waste of time to just sit awake, while sleep feels boring. it's easy to see what I prioritize over the other in the moment, though I always hate myself the day after with no sleep, little sleep or too much sleep late in the day. I got some more sleep medicine on top of my zopiclone / imovane on Thursday, an allergy medicine. it's called atarax / hydroxyzine. from what I read, it's a lot weaker than zopiclone, but I imagine it'll just boost the zopiclone's effect and make me even more tired. I'm sure these things stack, I think. I've yet to try them though as I've been too scared to go to bed, but I have them so they're available at least for when I actually feel like trying them out. read that they're used for anxiety as well, maybe I could pop one during the day and see how it makes me feel. in more positive news, I've definitely noticed muscle growth! it's really noticeable at my arms, but I'm sure they've grown everywhere else as well, it's just not as easy to tell or feel. I've gotten a fairly large bump on my biceps which I'm pretty proud of. there's some changes in my triceps as well, but it's more subtle.

I usually don't post in here, but I had a pretty big breakthrough and I felt the need to share here. This is gonna be pretty personal and fairly lengthy, so bear with me. Just some background: I'm 19, I'm gay, I've been diagnosed with depression and Asperger's syndrome. I went to a therapist for about a year and a half a few years ago, really helped me out a lot. I had a pretty rough time in high school because I tried to be someone I wasn't - tried to hang out with "cool" people that I didn't really enjoy spending time with, and felt like I was constantly faking my personality and living separate lives. Didn't really come to terms with this until my senior year of high school, when I started to learn how to be my own person, discovered music and film, learned that I was more or less an outsider and that I was happiest being one. I also have a younger brother, who's 15. He follows trends and doesn't really have much interests outside of the mainstream...and he's also bulimic. He binges on an insane amount of food, then takes insanely long showers where he obviously purges into the toilet. It's gotten to the point where the sound of running water from the bathroom is enough to make me anxious - I try to leave the house before he takes a shower. Before long, my anxiety over this turned into anger: anytime I saw him, thought about him, talked about him, I would get irrationally angry. I've never had an anger management problem in my life before, but these fits of anger were like nothing I've ever had before - borderline violent, even. I'd constantly have thoughts of beating him unconscious or strangling him. It led to me doing things he didn't deserve at him, from giving him dirty looks for no reason to kicking the bathroom door very loudly when he was showering. Well, tonight, for whatever reason, I had a fit of anger which was probably the worst I've ever had. It was bad enough to the point where I realized that the thoughts of violence and hatred I was having were beyond acceptable. After taking some time to think about it, I came to a conclusion that had been staring me in the face the whole time. To me, living authentically and ignoring trends is very important to me, because it's exactly what helped me overcome my problems in high school, and I felt as though perhaps he was doing the same thing, which is what may have caused his eating disorder. Instead of letting him work his own problems out, I decided to project my own insecurities onto him from when I was his age. I decided to believe that he was secretly unhappy with his life, without pausing to consider that maybe he was fine with the way he did things. This is probably hella disjointed and not very clear to read, but I felt the need to just type this out because I've come to a conclusion that's put a lot of things into perspective for me. It's far too easy to believe that you know everything about someone and refuse to look at yourself because of it. I'm just very glad that I've discovered the beginning of the solution of the problem I'm having...while it might be a bit more difficult to get rid of the anger towards my brother, at least I can start learning to focus on myself rather than him.

I don't know how many times I've threatened to kill myself and not gone through with it, just been talked down or something I doubt anyone believes me anymore, I don't know if I believe myself I'm such a fucking coward, I wish I could just do it

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;49114938]I don't know how many times I've threatened to kill myself and not gone through with it, just been talked down or something I doubt anyone believes me anymore, I don't know if I believe myself I'm such a fucking coward, I wish I could just do it[/QUOTE] Your not a coward because you have a big heart. Believe in yourself. Even if you can't possibly imagine life being any worse right now, it will get better. I've been down that road myself

This is the third time I've stayed awake through my sleep aids. I'm kind of starting to think that maybe taking them is causing me to feel more depressed, but I'm not sure. It may just be because it's late at night, but I'll have some pretty bad thoughts. I take them because I have pretty bad insomnia like my dad and will stay awake for occasionally days at a time. I dunno what I have to do, but I need to fix this sleep schedule soon before I have to go and take my GED. Waking up at decent times makes me feel considerably better about things, so that's something I really need to work on.

anyone feeling depressed and using porn all the time, it's possible you're addicted (it's probably not the root cause of your depression, but it's likely wrecking your attempts to get better). I stopped wanking all the time for about 50 days and felt way better - I still felt my anxiety but I feel like I let it control me a lot less. for me there's what feels like a huge initial peak of anxiety that I have to push through, where it then decreases (usually once I accomplish the task, reach my destination, or meet and start talking to the people I was waiting for). may sound silly but it improved my life. I don't really know why I stopped, think it had to do with a combination of not being able to exercise due an injury and hearing my housemate having furious sex every day when I've not been laid for 2 years :s: time to get back on the wagon anyway

wow fuck I don't feel it that badly at the time but a few hours later I feel fucking dreadful. although I might just be pissed off at people saying stupid shit about the bombings in paris

been doubting my schizophrenia diagnosis for a long time now, but now I'm starting to wonder that I actually am schizophrenic again. definitely a very mild case of it if I have it at all. I'm hearing voices and music from time to time, happens very often after I've gone to bed. I'm not particularly tired or phasing into sleep so it's none of those abnormalities that might happen during the falling asleep phase. I've yet to experience this during the day, it happens exclusively after I've gone to bed. might be because I get less stimulation so my head starts going crazy? or that the voices and music are there, but are muted by everything else that's pouring into my senses during the day? I find it very fascinating, so it's not scary. it's odd hearing another voice in your head that you didn't think of yourself that speaks to you, it never says anything scary or offensive to me. I think last night or two nights ago, I heard a voice once which said "why did you do it?". always makes me recoil back and think "what the fuck that was not me", then I kinda laugh at it. it always says completely random non-sense. another I remember said "but simon was there", which makes no sense either. I remember when I was told to expect it, I was never sure how I was going to figure it out. what if it was just me thinking it? but after actually hearing music and voices, it's very distinct that it's not you. it's a completely different voice, it might overlap with what you're currently thinking, the music sounds almost real just that it has no source, same with the voices. some times I almost wish I had them more, but it's dangerous wish to have. I find it fascinating, but who knows, they might develop into more offensive voices which could potentially be very tough to deal with. hearing voices and music is definitely my only noticeable symptom. there are some negative symptoms I can think of, like looking like I lack emotion in my face, not making eye contact, not changing my facial expression and staring blindly into the air in social situations, monotone speech, and the reduced ability to think forward and make plans. of course these could be anything, like depression, but I really doubt it. I'm not really depressed anymore.

Tried to cut myself just now. Ironically couldn't because my knife is dull as fuck because I don't take care of the thing. I'm going to bed.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49117388]been doubting my schizophrenia diagnosis for a long time now, but now I'm starting to wonder that I actually am schizophrenic again. definitely a very mild case of it if I have it at all. I'm hearing voices and music from time to time, happens very often after I've gone to bed. I'm not particularly tired or phasing into sleep so it's none of those abnormalities that might happen during the falling asleep phase. I've yet to experience this during the day, it happens exclusively after I've gone to bed. might be because I get less stimulation so my head starts going crazy? or that the voices and music are there, but are muted by everything else that's pouring into my senses during the day? I find it very fascinating, so it's not scary. it's odd hearing another voice in your head that you didn't think of yourself that speaks to you, it never says anything scary or offensive to me. I think last night or two nights ago, I heard a voice once which said "why did you do it?". always makes me recoil back and think "what the fuck that was not me", then I kinda laugh at it. it always says completely random non-sense. another I remember said "but simon was there", which makes no sense either. I remember when I was told to expect it, I was never sure how I was going to figure it out. what if it was just me thinking it? but after actually hearing music and voices, it's very distinct that it's not you. it's a completely different voice, it might overlap with what you're currently thinking, the music sounds almost real just that it has no source, same with the voices. some times I almost wish I had them more, but it's dangerous wish to have. I find it fascinating, but who knows, they might develop into more offensive voices which could potentially be very tough to deal with. hearing voices and music is definitely my only noticeable symptom. there are some negative symptoms I can think of, like looking like I lack emotion in my face, not making eye contact, not changing my facial expression and staring blindly into the air in social situations, monotone speech, and the reduced ability to think forward and make plans. of course these could be anything, like depression, but I really doubt it. I'm not really depressed anymore.[/QUOTE] what you're describing doesn't really sound like schizophrenia to me. maybe some mild symptoms of psychosis, but not schizophrenia. (i am not a medical professional.)

[QUOTE=PredGD;49117388]been doubting my schizophrenia diagnosis for a long time now, but now I'm starting to wonder that I actually am schizophrenic again. definitely a very mild case of it if I have it at all. I'm hearing voices and music from time to time, happens very often after I've gone to bed. I'm not particularly tired or phasing into sleep so it's none of those abnormalities that might happen during the falling asleep phase. I've yet to experience this during the day, it happens exclusively after I've gone to bed. might be because I get less stimulation so my head starts going crazy? or that the voices and music are there, but are muted by everything else that's pouring into my senses during the day? I find it very fascinating, so it's not scary. it's odd hearing another voice in your head that you didn't think of yourself that speaks to you, it never says anything scary or offensive to me. I think last night or two nights ago, I heard a voice once which said "why did you do it?". always makes me recoil back and think "what the fuck that was not me", then I kinda laugh at it. it always says completely random non-sense. another I remember said "but simon was there", which makes no sense either. [/QUOTE] I get this too. I don't think it's a schizophrenia thing. I'll have random sentences go through my head being spoken that don't make sense. I've always just passed it off as your brain going funny from lack of stimulation, or from the melatonin increasing while you lay in the dark. Who knows. It all seems pretty harmless anyway. [editline]16th November 2015[/editline] On another note, I'm finally getting an optometrist to look at my eye. I'm praying they find something, because it's starting to interfere with my new job, and I honestly don't want to lose it. It's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. God I hope they find something.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;49120508]I get this too. I don't think it's a schizophrenia thing. I'll have random sentences go through my head being spoken that don't make sense. I've always just passed it off as your brain going funny from lack of stimulation, or from the melatonin increasing while you lay in the dark. Who knows. It all seems pretty harmless anyway. [editline]16th November 2015[/editline] On another note, I'm finally getting an optometrist to look at my eye. I'm praying they find something, because it's starting to interfere with my new job, and I honestly don't want to lose it. It's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. God I hope they find something.[/QUOTE] hey, hang in there man. I'm sure they will find something, tell them your inflamed eye is seriously interfering with your job and your quality of life. I know what it's like to want to give 100% and still be cut down because of stupid shit that your body does for what seems like no reason at all, it's just the fucking worst

I feel I'm starting to relapse somewhat, I'm starting to sleep in a bit and feeling down more than usual.

I can't get out of bed, it's terrible

I am so sick of wasting time on the internet looking up disorders I probably don't have.

[QUOTE=pdp;49119764]what you're describing doesn't really sound like schizophrenia to me. maybe some mild symptoms of psychosis, but not schizophrenia. (i am not a medical professional.)[/QUOTE] yeah, I'm thinking the same. been really unsure of this whole diagnosis from the start, I can't really find any symptoms that match up with schizophrenia symptoms. I can match a lot of the negative ones, but I think I know the cause behind that. I suffer from some pretty strong derealization which could be a huge factor in how I function and how I act, so I'd rather blame that than my schizophrenia diagnosis. then there's the question though, why do I even suffer from such a strong derealization? I've read that derealization and depersonalization aren't really diagnoses on their own, they're just symptoms from something else. I wonder what that something else could be, and so far all I can think of is schizophrenia as I've been labelled as that, but I don't think derealization is a symptom of schizophrenia to begin with. I don't know. [QUOTE=Weirdness;49120508]I get this too. I don't think it's a schizophrenia thing. I'll have random sentences go through my head being spoken that don't make sense. I've always just passed it off as your brain going funny from lack of stimulation, or from the melatonin increasing while you lay in the dark. Who knows. It all seems pretty harmless anyway.[/QUOTE] I read up about it and apparently it's a common thing which is completely harmless. it's called hypnagogia which is the state you're in when you're transitioning between being awake and falling asleep. on the Wikipedia page, it actually describes that people often experience completely random non sense with made up names during this phase that's not your thoughts. music and poetry is also mentioned, though those happen a lot rarer. matches up with my experience with this, I mostly hear voices and very rarely music. what boggles my mind is that these voices and music I hear can still happen long before I actually fall asleep, and I might even give up on sleep and go back to being awake, so I don't think it's hypnagogia but it could be it. maybe I fall into a almost asleep phase, but not really, and since I'm never really properly falling asleep, I can rip myself out of it again? it's very rare as well, I would think they would appear a lot more frequently if I were psychotic or schizophrenic. I also never experience them any time other than after going to bed which just supports that it's hypnagogia. [editline]16th November 2015[/editline] I hate speaking about schizophrenia with people who have it. I never feel like I've fit in, that I could relate, and so on. I feel like I'm just a "pretender" even though I actually have the diagnosis, though I don't feel like I suffer from it. the last mental ward I was at was a place dedicated for people with psychosis or schizophrenia, I didn't feel at home at all. you had all of these people with legit problems, and there I was, someone who just felt like he wasn't properly plugged into reality.

My parents don't like the fact that I get really depressed at stages, it really hurts when they don't give a shit and just leave me. I used to have friend that would help but they've given up top.

I feel so wanted right now, someone who I don't usually hang with but are on good terms with just asked me if I wanted to meet up, that's so nice. I find her pretty cool as well so I'd love to get to know her better as well, this is pretty sweeet. I was pretty scared that I'd fall back to isolation after getting a taste of being social again, and I was pretty sure it was gonna happen at the start since I reacted so incredibly negatively towards being social. I also had what happened last year in mind, and the year before that again, where I got socially active for about 2 months before I decided to isolate myself again. it's becoming more and more normal now, and I feel like I've started to give less fucks if someone potentially doesn't like me as well. I'm actually quite happy with myself right now, being social is just an extension, not a need anymore. maybe I've just finally started accepting myself for who I am, maybe I've finally begun loving myself so I can start loving others again? I have to blame exercising, it's a good way to spend my energy for the day, but in a good way. I still have the energy to socialize even after working out, but I don't feel so incredibly restless, I'm fine either way really. [editline]16th November 2015[/editline] only issue is that I haven't slept today and I've worked out today so I feel extra tired today, but eh, I'll survive.

I think I've finally had some kind of breakthrough and I've been feeling great lately. I just wanna say, however down you may feel at some point, however bad things seem, you will make it out of that place. I had a lot of low periods and I heard this exact advice and didn't listen, but it really is true, you will make it through, I promise.

[QUOTE=T.F.W.O.;49124173]I am so sick of wasting time on the internet looking up disorders I probably don't have.[/QUOTE] The proper thing to do is to be assessed and diagnosed by a health/medical professional. It's NOT wise to "self-diagnose" yourself online. It's very looked down on by the professionals and it should be the last thing you should be doing.

I don't have much time at all to say all I need to say, I haven't had the time or the attention to check facepunch and other social media as of recently. But this trip to see my friend is going incredibly well. I learned so much, tried new things, started to figure out who I really am. To be honest I even feel like I've conquered depression altogether. It is a thing that can be done. Sometimes all you need is a little push over that mental barrier that holds you back.

i have social anxiety and depression and I'm starting to realize i have grown up and yet have no idea what to do with my life

I've been feeling a lot better since starting my medication, like going out more and staying away from my computer. But today I realize that it hasn't (and won't) cure my anxiety. I got a call from an employer who looked at my resume, but missed it because I was playing Rocket League. So they left a voice mail and email me asking when a good time to talk would be. So I've spent all day distracting myself to give myself a reason to not respond. And I still need to go set up an appointment with a therapist, but have been too nervous to call and make an appointment or go to my school's career services.

[QUOTE=NewDude;49127946]i have social anxiety and depression and I'm starting to realize i have grown up and yet have no idea what to do with my life[/QUOTE] Focus on making money or saving the environment. Either will do until you figure it out.

So I got back from the optometrist. They couldn't find anything, though when I mentioned I had UC he said it probably had some part to do with the inflammation in my eye. The good thing is though that I don't have any toxoplasma gondii in my eye. But the bad news is the inflammation is still there, probably behind my eye in the muscles controlling it. So I have to wait till January till I can see another specialist to find out once and for all. It's going to be a really shitty few months.

I went to see my therapist last week. Turns out she has a patient who is about my age and has an appointment a few hours before my session. For some reason my therapist let me in and met with her during that session. I felt weird, I thought "Damn, today I felt horrible today and now I won't be able to say anything because then she will probably feel scared or think I'm a psychopath", then I just thought "I don't care anymore, if I can't spend a few minutes walking around people without wishing I could just kill everyone then I'm gonna get help one way or another". I let it all out. Fuck people, fuck my brother and my mother saying I lack common sense and/or that I'm not rational, fuck my dad who left me and doesn't talk to me after I attempted to stab him and now I gotta ask him for money because I'm too poor to afford college. Fuck the advanced program I joined at college, now I'm at failing at everything and I'm gonna lose the scholarship. Then people avoid me because I'm mad all time and I feel like shit. I just want to get help really, I go through the day with my head constantly thinking about harming people I don't know. Like I just want to purposely hurt people, the idea of doing it amuses me and hypes me, I feel impotent, I just want to kill, then I feel guilty when people and/friends ask me "what's wrong man?", I can't just tell them "sorry, it's just I can't stop thinking about killing you and those people". I just get angry for no reason, I get very riled up, I'm defensive all time and I can't stop. I feel like at war with life and everyone but I can't talk with anyone besides my close friends and my therapist because my family won't take me seriously. More than once I have thought about turning violent against my family. I want them to be scared of me and see me as a threat, they need to know I'm not someone they're gonna fuck with, I'm more capable than them, fuck I'm not gonna let them hit me, I could fucking kill them all if I want, I have no reason to keep dealing with their shit. That's wrong of course, but that's how I feel from time to time. I have no reason to deal with them, I hate having to act like a mute all time just so I'm not seen as an idiot, having to eat shit when my mother or my brother get angry, if they angry is normal but if I get angry it's wrong. I hate being a mute but I can't talk without being seen as an idiot, I might have an amazing voice but it's useless if I can't use it because my fear of saying something wrong. Thankfully, the girl acted chill about it. I was kind of amazed she didn't turn back or saw me as weird afterwards. A lot of people get worried when they notice someone like me. They either avoid me or purposely pick on me just to piss me off and I can't do anything because I always go too far and then I get in trouble. I act noble and kind among people most of the time, but when I start to get angry and pissed just by being surrounded by people, I gotta isolate myself and calm down.

i really want to try seeing a school councilor recently, but ive never had a good one that ever seemed to care so i really dont know what to do or how to approach the whole situation today i had a bad anxiety attack where i really felt i couldnt go to class (i never want to be around people when it happens and coming in late would cause disruption) which causes even more anxiety because my grades are already mediocre and its really been awful because they've been more frequent recently

A bullet went in through my window in June. It went through one wall and landed in another wall 3 feet above my girlfriend's head. We were asleep. I woke up and thought I heard a bullet hit the wall, but I waved it away as a waking dream. When I woke up, I noticed the hole after getting up and getting dressed. If she would have been up reading, or if I was up on my computer, one of us might be dead right now. So now I have real trouble sleeping. I have auditory hallucinations when trying to fall asleep. Sometimes I hear some noise and I am scared for my life that somebody is in my house, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, paranoid for no reason. Loud, unexpected noises cause a physical reaction from my body, and fourth of July was brutal. I just wanted to tell somebody, I feel like I can't tell my girlfriend how bad it is because she's freaked out too and I need her to be calm. I'm working on getting a therapist.