Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Why do I suddenly feel so terrible? It's been a few weeks now and this feeling of just horrible apathy hasn't subsided, I was thinking it was just a temporary thing and would go away on it's own but it hasn't. I've missed a week of schooling because of it and I cannot muster up the will or get my brain in gear to get a very simple assignment done. Why is this happening to me?

[QUOTE=fenwick;49130261]A bullet went in through my window in June. It went through one wall and landed in another wall 3 feet above my girlfriend's head. We were asleep. I woke up and thought I heard a bullet hit the wall, but I waved it away as a waking dream. When I woke up, I noticed the hole after getting up and getting dressed. If she would have been up reading, or if I was up on my computer, one of us might be dead right now. So now I have real trouble sleeping. I have auditory hallucinations when trying to fall asleep. Sometimes I hear some noise and I am scared for my life that somebody is in my house, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, paranoid for no reason. Loud, unexpected noises cause a physical reaction from my body, and fourth of July was brutal. I just wanted to tell somebody, I feel like I can't tell my girlfriend how bad it is because she's freaked out too and I need her to be calm. I'm working on getting a therapist.[/QUOTE] you're describing some of the symptoms of [URL="http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml"]PTSD[/URL]; is anything in there helpful?

[QUOTE=_jesterk;49130573]you're describing some of the symptoms of [URL="http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml"]PTSD[/URL]; is anything in there helpful?[/QUOTE] Yeah I am convinced I might have it. I just always thought it would pass but it's been five months now and I'm still dealing with it. I'm calling a doctor's office tomorrow.

I think I'm gonna start thinking about doing something during my free time to keep myself calm. I just can't keep isolating myself whenever I feel like on my previous post. I really like the idea of learning to drive. I don't know why but whenever I'm in a car I feel a lot better. We have a SUV but it doesn't have insurance so I'm too scared to learn to drive with it.

ahh, nothing like a little math class to ruin any self esteem I thought I had. I fucking love being surrounded by geniuses who had the luck of not having their middle school experience fucked up beyond repair by redneck schoolmates

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[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49130792]I think I'm gonna start thinking about doing something during my free time to keep myself calm. I just can't keep isolating myself whenever I feel like on my previous post. I really like the idea of learning to drive. I don't know why but whenever I'm in a car I feel a lot better. We have a SUV but it doesn't have insurance so I'm too scared to learn to drive with it.[/QUOTE] I'd recommend learning to drive. It's nice driving by yourself and having all this new freedom to just go where you want. Makes you much more independent too. You'll have to learn sooner or later anyway if you want to get a decent job.

Fuck, I wanna strangle my mom right now. She is so fucking ignorant to other people and started to get all bitchy when I had to wait a few data before I knew if I could get vacation from my job. And then she tells me, my boss is a shithead and doesn't know how to fix things. Sorry mom, but he had things to do yesterday. He have 4 kids, work and we both possible have a co-worker that "had a mistake" during this weekend. He didn't tell me what the reason was, and by that you can probably already figure out that it isn't a broken arm. So maybe she have needs, more then I have to know if I can have vacation in fucking march next year. I don't even wanna join to be honest, because you always tell me that I don't care about my family? Well guess what? I don't really care about you anymore. But I care for my dad, my brothers and all the others that doesn't make my life shit and want to go kill myself. You are responsible for me nearly killing myself last time, when I planned to go out for a walk and freeze to death because I couldn't take your hammering anymore. Luckily my dad took actions and said he also had to work on little Christmas Eve, so we could get going towards the cabin where you wanna spend your Christmas. So enjoy these next 6 months with me, because there is no way I'm staying home one more year. Even if I have to use all my money to survive, I would rather do that then to live at home where each week is a constant battle to not break down. It's been this way for a long time, and when I tell you to back off, you take personal offense. But when you mock me, I shouldn't get mad? I don't really get mad. I just get all down and don't know what to do. I had my life on the tracks so many times, but each time, you say something so offensive that I lose my spark. Saying that I'm a bad son? Fucking, don't you know I nearly went as far to sell drugs because I thought I could use the money to move out? That I'm bisexual with asexual tendencies, because I'm afraid I'll marry someone like you, that keep pushing my dad to his breaking point too? That I'm depressed and stood so close to death several times, but eventually refused to go fourth because of my dad, brothers and friends? Friends that you think is an bad influence on me. People that ask me how I am, instead of asking on how to clear that level in Candy Crush. People I wanna spend my life with, people that actually ask me out for coffee and such, but I'm usually to busy to be home for dinner not to upset you. People I'll cry for when they are dead. People unlike you. It won't say that I hate you, but you say you aren't like your sister? Yeah, you are right. You are worse then your sister. And that's a fucking feat.

i might actually go outside my apartment soon an online friend wants to meet up because apparently he lives in the same area (and he's fucking cute omg) we might go ice skating [editline]17th November 2015[/editline] i really really hope this happens idk what i'd do if these plans fall through

It's been a while since I posted, but I'm finally glad that my university has fixed their mistake and have put in an amended intermission date, meaning I am now no longer liable to pay the tuition fees that the university seeks from me. Now, they owe me £63.63 in accommodation credit! :v: Also got incredibly positive feedback from one of the Apprenticeship applications I put in with a college, who have now forwarded my stuff onto the next potential employer. Just got more waiting to do now.

I remembered something today. Back in October I had a really, really intense crush on someone (Let's call her Amy) and I have horrendous social skills and I'd never had a girlfriend before, so I didn't know what to do. She was shy and never really said much to me, but from her friend (call her Holly) I learned all about them. I admitted to Holly that I had a crush on Amy and she was very shocked. I was playing Half Life 2, the scene where you meet up with the rebels and you fight the Combine at the Overwatch Nexus, Paralyzed by In Flames had just came on. Knowing that I had just admitted this, I was incredibly nervous. Because of this, I had a gut wrenching feeling in my body, and it was the worst thing I ever felt. Felt even worse when I was rejected.

I've been thinking a lot about killing myself. Everything I do feels really empty and fake, I don't have a future planned for myself, I keep screwing up the few things I am doing with my life. It feels like too much. My car keeps breaking down, I don't have any money, I'm doing badly in class, I don't like my job, I don't have many friends. I have a lot of issues, just personally. I get really angry really easily, I'm withdrawn, I'm selfish. I don't really add a whole lot to the world or anybody around me. I really really want to just get it over with. I know there won't be anything after, but I think I'm okay with that. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be myself. I don't want to do anything anymore I just want to go.

I'm not quite sure what I live for anymore. All the things that used to make me happy just keep dropping off like flies. Holidays, games, friends, media, everything just keeps going away and leaving nothing in it's place. Holidays stopped being enjoyable when I got 'too old' to take part in them anymore. My friends all dropped out on me when we graduated school and now I know nobody. The games industry gets worse and worse and games get less and less enjoyable and series that I like constantly go in directions I don't like and I wonder if I'll even enjoy games anymore in a year or two. Payday 2 used to occupy dozens of hours of my time but then Overkill introduced microtransactions and killed any remaining love and passion I had for the game. Fallout, my favorite game series of all time, now feels more like Far Cry than an RPG. And the next TES is likely to be the same, and so I probably won't enjoy either series, my two favorite series, anymore. All other kinds of games I like usually get spoiled for me. Media in general now is hard to watch because spoilers are everywhere. Anything current is going to have spoilers and porn of it around every corner. Everything old will be spoiled at random without warning because I should have watched it when it came out, regardless of the numerous reasons I wouldn't or couldn't. People are so just plain [I]mean[/I] that they intentionally try to spoil everything for everyone. Hype culture has turned every bit of media in to a dissection. The moment something's released it's put on the table and picked apart for every twist, gag, and character death it's got so people can spread it everywhere. And with Facepunch, idk. The place feels more hostile than it used to be. I've been here 6 years and I don't feel like people like me anymore or remember who I am. Basically it feels like everything major that used to give me joy in life is dropping out on me.

Rejection pain is fucking awful.

my sleeping schedule just got fucked up again. I crashed at a friends place yesterday and we didn't go to bed until 2AM and she had to wake up to go to work at 06:30AM so we didn't sleep very long. 35 and a half hours of being awake, just to go to bed and get maybe an hour total of sleep since I slept very, very badly. I just couldn't force myself to be awake any longer so at around 10AM today I had to go to bed again once I got home. had to skip my session at my psychologist and I actually had a few things I wanted to mention today, fuck. woke up 9:30PM now. what else happened today? someone wanted to meet me and someone else wanted to chat with me. I feel like I've wasted an opportunity to be social and I don't know how these guys handle rejection, maybe they give up very easily like I do. maybe they won't invite me out again unless I take the initiative to get the ball rolling again, which I find very difficult? she never replied to my message that I slept all day, maybe she suspects I was ignoring her and didn't want to meet her and that that was my excuse. I also feel pretty shit for other reasons. when I woke up today, I felt like absolute shit and was not able to socialize to the degree I wish I could. I was very asocial, very gone, didn't pay attention to what my friend was talking about, and so on. I think she found it annoying that I didn't pay attention, she showed some irritation. I feel like I fuck up so many things and ruin their view on me when I'm not able to show my best side. I find it difficult to accept that everyone, including me, can never be at their ace 24/7. then there's also the fact that my sleep schedule is officially broken to the point where I was when I was in total isolation. I'm so worried that this lack of sleep will severely affect my muscle gains which would be very discouraging, then there's also the worry that I'll miss out on social opportunities which I did today. sleep is very hard for me, I wish it wasn't. I'm always at my ace at late hours so I find it extremely difficult to find a reason to go to bed when I have so many things to do and function so well. [editline]17th November 2015[/editline] one positive thing, I weighed 94.8kg when I weighed myself when I got home. I had eaten some chocolate, chips and other random candy from yesterday and drunk 0.5L of Pepsi Max so I was definitely not at my lowest weight in regards to water and food when I came home. I suspect I weigh even less than that again which is pretty sweeet

The past isn't resting my body and it gets worse just by making theories inside. I cannot forget, the ones I though they were my friends actually thought I was some sort of stranger. I honestly regret for being so generous to certain people, because I got the feeling that they used me because of it and I fell for it. They actually never cared about my issue and only 'acted nice' just so they could get games for their beloved someone. Funny enough, that person who suddenly thinks I'm a stranger once asked me if I could get GTAV for them. I'd have actually done that but thank God I haven't due to low budget on my pocket. They said they would have repayed me for it, but that is hard to judge when that person removes you twice from the friends list and like I said, suddenly acknowledges you as a stranger. I feel like a fucking idiot. I did this because I thought that/those person were my friends I could share with everything. My voice has been resting for a very long time, which makes me thing I am starting to become more silent again. Never in my life have I ever said "I'm voice chatting with a friend", because I'm a person that cannot properly communicate. Every sentence I say makes me look like a retard. Every word sounds like a Morse code that is hard to understand. I wish I could just forget about it and move on in life. I shouldn't even feel bad because my school grades are going much better then last year. But the longer I keep this in myself, the worse I start to feel. Just venting all this out in that thread makes me feel a little nervous, but calm inside.

I keep drinking to make myself feel better

How can I stop living in fear? I am really happy with my current SO right now, but I have huge anxiety everyday that everything good might end. I almost feel like wanting to kill myself still.. There's no fucking winning for me or happiness or anything. I seem to find the hugest negative in absolutely everything and I can't be happy like this.

[QUOTE=GURREN LAGANN;49138736]How can I stop living in fear? I am really happy with my current SO right now, but I have huge anxiety everyday that everything good might end. I almost feel like wanting to kill myself still.. There's no fucking winning for me or happiness or anything. I seem to find the hugest negative in absolutely everything and I can't be happy like this.[/QUOTE] gonna say what I said in the social advice thread as well, try doing positive things for yourself! anything to improve your confidence and quality of life. got some fat you wanna get rid of? start eating less and lose those kilos. want a more defined body? hit the gym and drown in protein shakes! not happy with your hair? get a haircut. clothes? new clothes! try spending more time with friends rather than your SO as well if you don't already, it's important to not get too tied up with someone else it's gonna hurt a lot to lose them. very important to remember that she's just an extension to your life, not your life. it's not healthy for your head if you constantly worry that she'll break up to the point where suicide becomes an option. you need to learn to love life without her, know that it's okay to be alone as well. [editline]18th November 2015[/editline] speaking from experience as well. my SO at the time was my life. I spent all my time with her, she was my top priority, and I made sure I'd throw all plans aside to make room for her, even important things like school. she was sick one day? fuck school, I'd go meet her, for example. I ignored all my friends in favor of her. I was obsessed. by being obsessed with her, I literally forgot how to be happy on my own. I got dependent on her, when I wasn't with her I was just sad. it ended up with me becoming very controlling of her since I constantly needed her. of course she broke up with me, and now, almost 3 years later, I'm still feeling it. I'm not constantly thinking of her of course, but I still get ill just thinking of her. not because I find her negative or disgusting to think of, but because I'm sad it didn't continue. it was for the best though, my development was rather scary. I learned a lot too, that it's very important to love yourself before anyone else. that everything social is just an extension to your current life. it's not healthy to rely on others for happiness, it's very unreliable.

I hate this near-constant feeling of loneliness and despair, it sometimes makes me feel like doing really stupid things :s:

I have an appointment in December, maybe I'll finally start making my life better

If you get too high on nihilism you never come down.

I hate my life, things are looking sort of up at the moment maybe, but the one thing that helps me cope isn't currently a viable long-term solution exactly and while I enjoy life with it as soon I run out, I can't relax or focus and my anxiety comes back.

I feel like it's already too late. I'm already a little obsessed with her. Oh god I should have learned my lesson when I wanted to kill myself with my ex breaking up, I almost attempted suicide. Turns out nothing was learned. Also feels like I lack the motivation to do anything. When I get home, I don't even game or do fun things, all I feel like doing is just laying in bed all day. My life sucks

I hate being around people, I can't stand certain people and I sometimes like to just be completely by myself but then I feel absolutely awful because I feel so alone, I feel like I have no one to talk to and the friends I do have hate me or get annoyed by me. I hate feeling like I don't want to socialise with anyone, then feeling like I'm such a pathetic loner.

for the first time in 9 months i'm not broke in fact i have over $100

starting to have more frequent nightmares again. it's hard enough to sleep as it is. I REALLY don't need anymore reasons to not sleep.

holy shit what the fuck. I just don't understand why I react so incredibly badly to anything negative regarding social situations. I just came back home from town where I was with the regular group of people I don't know that well, only feel comfortable with one of them. we were all talking about going home, so the girl I feel most comfortable with, some weirdo guy, some other guy I don't know too well and a guy my friend is halfway dating all went to the train station. only me and the guy my friend is dating was going to take the train. I figured I had to buy a ticket of course, so I split off from them and hoped that they would notice that I disappeared, but they didn't. I saw them walk up the stairs to the platform as I bought a ticket, which I figured was no big deal since I'd just meet them there once I was done, but still felt a little bummed that they didn't even notice me disappearing. I managed to fuck up buying my ticket once so I spent some extra time getting it done. once I had gotten it, I rushed up to the platform and expected to see them. they weren't at the benches closest to the stairs leading up. maybe they had gone to the other end and sat down there for some odd reason? I went over to the other side and they were nowhere to be seen. I got really confused and started wondering if I went up the wrong platform, but I was at the right one and I was pretty sure they too went up there. the train arrived while I was searching so I felt like I had no choice but to board it, and immediately starting feeling terrible since I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them. I sent my friend who I am most comfortable with asking where they had gone, and she replied with a single word. "Narvesen" (a corner shop chain in Norway). the closest one was all the way back we came from, so I replied with "whaaat, did you guys really go all the way back? I boarded the train :/". all she had to say was "dumbass.". my world sort of collapsed by that. I was already very uncomfortable due to not getting to say goodbye, me having been a little silent today and I had lots of thoughts that I was a weirdo since I saw that this weirdo we were with asked some questions I would have usually asked so I quickly put myself in his shoes. everyone talked trash about him so I was worried they were doing that behind my back as well. now my world was, well, collapsing. questions like, why didn't they notice me splitting from them? they would stop if they cared, right? even if they maybe thought "oh he'll catch up at the platform", I'd still think they wouldn't just abandon me and not leave a single trace of where they had gone. now I felt like they confirmed I was "that weirdo", who dresses weird, speaks of weird things, is creepy, not fun to be around, and so on. this has continued to spiral. I feel more calm now, but on the train I had some really dark thoughts which I haven't had for a long while. I had no idea what I was supposed to live for, what my purpose at all is, why I should continue bothering, why I should continue being social, and so on. I was feeling like giving up on everything after that, and I still feel incredibly shaken. I feel like I've done so many negative things and that they hate me all of sudden, but I can't figure out what I've done. things like these make me want to retreat back to isolation, being social causes so much pain. I function and can be happy as long as there are no negativity at all, but as soon as there's a tiny bit of it, my day is ruined. maybe even the following week as well. I'm so incredibly worried that I'm seen as a weirdo or someone who is generally not fun to be around. it's okay that certain people don't like me, I'm just worried that everyone is gonna dislike me. I don't like bringing these things up either. I'm afraid I've overreacted, that I'll cause conflict, that I'll damage my relation to them, ruin my reputation, and the list goes on. I don't know if I'm justified in feeling what I feel, I don't know if I'm really allowed to feel anything negative about this. overreaction or not, I'm still feeling incredibly beaten up by this. [editline]19th November 2015[/editline] I'm finding more and more signs that these guys don't like me. how can I stand in this? [editline]19th November 2015[/editline] fuck life right now, I'm just not feeling it

I hung out with a friend of mine I haven't seen in a long time the other day. It was great fun and we went to this one spot where we ran into another friend that I haven't spoken to in a while. After all that and stuff, I just felt bummed out. I don't know why or how but for whatever reason, I just want to blow my head off. Usually if I'm thinking that, I would need a reason to but not this time, it just came completely out of the blue and I can't get rid of it. Bummer.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49147639]I sent my friend who I am most comfortable with asking where they had gone, and she replied with a single word. "Narvesen" (a corner shop chain in Norway). the closest one was all the way back we came from, so I replied with "whaaat, did you guys really go all the way back? I boarded the train :/". all she had to say was "dumbass.". my world sort of collapsed by that.[/QUOTE] :wideeye: stop associating with these morons, they clearly don't know how to act