Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

finally started hearing back from all the jobs i've applied for. on the short list for 2 reception jobs and was sent a programming test to do for Halfbrick Studios (which was very easy). I was feeling really down about being jobless and alone until i opened my emails tonight and found these goodies sitting in there.

does anyone have any suggestions to help me sleep or get motivated? had extreme difficulty since i found my dad dead at home in july, ive been on sertraline but didnt like it and can't get prescribed anything else seen as though im 17, i got given 7 tabs of promethazine(?) didnt seem to do much. also i struggle to not stay in bed all day, missed 3 weeks of college because i sometimes can't function [editline]25th November 2015[/editline] also really fuckin shit in general cos i looked after him in a non official way for 3 years n he still drank to death, he'd been dead for a few days before i went to check on him, looked after me gran aswell last year n now theyre both gone im the last one left from that side so its been quite hard having to plan a funeral and get ownership of a grave plot thats a hundred years old and buying headstones (that are well fuckin expensive) just takes piss that after 3 years of goin thru all the mental health service for myself the higher beings just shit in my mouth loool

And in the process of one test, I took the one class I was above average in and sunk my grade below average. Like I can fucking lie to myself. I know I should have studied harder for all three of my last midterms, but I'm fucking returning home AGAIN the failure with shit grades AGAIN. I'm fucking [I]tired[/I] of it. My grades are entirely fucked, and at this point my GPA is so smudged from my past that my chances of ever seeing my department are effectively zero. And I can't really rely on taking another year to get in, because I'm near the credit limit at which I ahve to commit to a major anyways. And my parents are undoubtedly going to be disappointed and I know my Dad will find a way to make me feel [I]really[/I] shit about all of this. I just don't want to be me, or in this situation, or where I'm at at all. I have no fucking idea what the fuck to do or whats going on in my own goddamn head, whether this is all my responsiblity because I'm a lazy procrastinating piece of shit, or if its that and the fault of ADHD. Or maybe this ADHD thing is all in my head. Fuck if I know. I do know that I want to miss my flight home and just not go home. The more I think about how much I do this, fail to meet any sort of academic benchmark I set for myself, the more furious I get. Let alone thinking just how much I promise and just how much I lie and tell everyone I'm studying and doing better when I'm really not. I'm just running in the same place, same race that I was running a year ago

what the fuck is autism anyways my doctors and other important whateverthefuck people are saying I might have it on the internet it just seems like a buzzword to mock random strangers with

[QUOTE=fear me;49186712]what the fuck is autism anyways my doctors and other important whateverthefuck people are saying I might have it on the internet it just seems like a buzzword to mock random strangers with[/QUOTE] It's honestly a lot less worse than people on the internet make it out to be. Whenever some fuckwit on the internet talks of a 'sperg' or 'aspie', they have no fucking idea what they're talking about 9/10 of the time. Autism is a neurological disorder that affects the way you think and receive and transmit 'signals' like body language. Your brain is just wired 'differently' than the average person's. I think autism is caused by a neurological difference, but its symtomps are mostly observed through psychology. Neurology and psychology are two studies that kind of go hand in hand. But this is not the philosophical discussion thread.

I don't know what happened the last few days I've just felt dead inside. Today I woke up at 10pm... the heck am I gonna do all night... I don't want to be awake, being awake sucks

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;49187035]I don't know what happened the last few days I've just felt dead inside. Today I woke up at 10pm... the heck am I gonna do all night... I don't want to be awake, being awake sucks[/QUOTE] seasonal depression maybe? I've been feeling really dead inside as well the past two weeks, it feels like it came from nowhere. I feel really boring to be around most of the time. I'm usually quiet, but sometimes I'll have some extra confidence and energy to actually speak, it varies a lot. I'm mostly quiet though. I really hate that, I wish I had more confidence most of the time so I could actually interact with people socially. that I wasn't so afraid to say stuff. had a pretty uncomfortable day today. suddenly while out in the local town, a friend of mine and a friend of hers suddenly yelled at me to join them in Oslo. I was already feeling really tired and wanted to go home soon, so I was skeptical to go to Oslo that late. I got to know that this one guy really wanted to smoke weed, so I figured I'd join. I don't smoke often, last time was in September since I often have negative experiences with it, but maybe this time would be better? we got to Oslo via train, took the metro to some place, and some guy in his 50s showed up and quickly gave our friend a bag. then we went back to the train, took the train one stop down and went to the ocean in the dark where we started passing a joint around. since I usually smoke a joint on my own, I figured I wouldn't get so stoned that it would be uncomfortable. this guy packed it really dense and it must have been some really good stuff since I started feeling like I had taken a blotter of LSD, though very different at the same time. it didn't really hit hard until we started leaving again. I noticed things quickly became uncomfortable. my body was on fire, my legs were on auto pilot, my derealization was through the roof, my eyes shifted around rapidly, everything felt really weird. I couldn't feel my tongue which made me anxious. I told them to stop to give me a moment and said I had gotten too high, I felt incredibly uncomfortable since we were in public and I felt like I had lost complete control over my body. my legs just worked and my tongue was licking the inside of my mouth without me being able to feel it. I just felt something weird in my mouth that I couldn't stop from moving. I must have panicked. didn't help that everyone could tell I was really stoned just by looking at me. not only that, but in my panicked state trying to look as normal as possible, two of the guys I was with decided to rob some random grocery store we found for munchies. I'm not used to that, and I was already panicking from some extreme anxiety and paranoia. I just wanted it to end really. I've only smoked in public once, all of the other times has been done in fairly safe environments. [editline]26th November 2015[/editline] I've also felt rather depressed lately. hmmm. I just hope it doesn't mean I'm on my way to abandon everything social again, I can sort of see the signs. I just find it so tiring to be social all the time, but I'm afraid people will stop asking if I start saying no like last time. I can't remember last time I made dinner at home, I've been out all the time. I still suffer from a lot of anxiety, I can tell. maybe the depression is coming back as well. just felt awful the past days.

I'm finally on the path to find out if I have ADHD or not. I started seeing my school's psychologist. The wait between visits is so nerve racking.

Thanksgiving tomorrow. Can't wait to spend it eating alone in a room again because my anxiety just tears me apart from the inside.

snip resolved for now to sum it up, i need to start loving myself and experiencing new things to make up for my sheltered upbringing

To start rebuilding myself, guess I'm starting with food first, eating more and eating better. Going to come up with a meal plan for every day of the week, and make myself go out and get the ingredients fresh every day (or couple of days). That way I'm at least forcing myself to go out. Gonna have it somewhat vague, standard breakfast every morning, and then at least to begin with, just an evening meal, and maybe having the same thing as I did for breakfast for supper. So it'd be like Monday: Porridge, Beef+Potatoes Tuesday:Porridge, Chicken & Pasta Wednesday: Porridge, Pork& Veg etc etc, varying what I have specifically on the day. Then I'd eventually expand it up to including lunch once I got used to it (I dont eat much so gonna have to train my stomach a little) while also trying to keep it to a reasonable budget, currently the idea being no more than £10 per day roughly. Just to put it in comparison, my food budget now is £10 a week, £20 at most. So I'm eating craply.

Not entirely looking forward to Thanksgiving with family. I'm 100% positive that the entirety of the conversation will center around my sister and her pregnancy and I'll get asked "where do you work" once and that's it. Idk I'm used to being overshadowed at this point. I'm upset that I am but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. Not that there's anything TO do about it. I just have to slog through it.

I feel like a genuine waste of resources.

I'm so exhausted. the plans for the weekend are most likely canceled since I'm exhausted. I feel awful. this feeling of everything being unreal is really getting to me. it's so incredibly strong and I never get a moment of rest from it. I don't even know what it is. [editline]26th November 2015[/editline] I don't feel like any of my friends truly support me. I feel like a backup solution most of the time. I don't see what I have that makes me attractive as a friend. I feel weird and awkward. I feel silent. [editline]26th November 2015[/editline] and I thought I wasn't depressed anymore. I suppose I had a small period without it, maybe I've relapsed? [editline]26th November 2015[/editline] I genuinely thought life was going to be great from now on, that everything good would happen, that I wouldn't have any more dark thoughts, but that's not true. incredibly scared that I'll fall back to isolation. I don't want to erase all the progress I've made so far. I don't want more help. I don't want more mental hospitals. [editline]26th November 2015[/editline] I can't see myself living a normal life in the future. [editline]26th November 2015[/editline] I feel so insignificant in the big picture of everything. I don't feel like I have a purpose, so I fail to really see why I'm around. what am I supposed to do with my life? just live? that sounds too boring for me. I remember having some crazy thoughts on my last acid trip which has lingered. I got so depressed that no one would be able to experience another life. how awful it was that we are all tied to our bodies with instability, miscommunication, and everything else that is bad in life. I sort of figured that the world would be a much better place if we were released from our bodies which would also remove any chemical disturbances in the brain that causes negative behavior. we would be more pure and more in control. we would never expire. imagine a world where everyone just had to worry about what they were, not what their body felt. never exhausted, never hung over, never tired, no need for sleep, and so on. no mental illness or physical illness. of course I know that's impossible, so I'm stuck with who I am. I don't really like who I am though. I wish I was able to test out another persons life, see things from a different perspective. I feel so locked in place when I can't experience anything but my own perspective of everything. [editline]26th November 2015[/editline] I feel like there's no way to recover from everything I've experienced.

[QUOTE=Fort83;49193644]I need to ask, are you on any form of medication at all? I don't check up on this thread often but from your posts it sounds like you have some anxiety issues which may seem obvious to those that frequent this thread but you should a lot of like how I used to be. I would overthink every social situation I would encounter which would in turn make the situation worse and it would develop a vicious cycle, much like I think you are doing. Overthinking the situation. I used to have severe anxiety and frequent anxiety attacks. Medication helped me a lot, I stayed on the medication for a few years while at the same time learning how to cope with different social situations. After I went off the meds I still had that experience and knowledge of how to deal with social situations and I haven't had any major anxiety issues since. I do get the odd anxiety from certain things, but those are all normal things people get anxious about (skydiving for example).[/QUOTE] I'm not on any meds, no. I only take supplements, vitamin D, multivitamin, omega-3 and protein. I agree with what you say about anxiety. I've always suffered from anxiety, and I think it has evolved pretty badly. I don't really feel anxiety that much, but it does affect me if you understand what I mean by that. it's overshadowed by this insane feeling of everything being unreal so when I get anxious I just freeze in place, my thoughts stop flowing, I stop feeling anything and just stare into the air, floor or a wall. I always have this feeling and even though it does put a shadow over my anxiety, I still get the consequences from anxiety. then afterwards, I start thinking about the situation. depression hits, I feel awful and everything is wrong. I have been on meds before, prozac and some other one I can't remember. I remember that it didn't help at all for me. the most attractive thing to me is some sort of benzo, but those are addictive and I don't think they're too easy to get. [editline]27th November 2015[/editline] another thing which bothers me right now but forgot to mention is how I never feel good enough. hair, clothes, body, behavior, how many friends I have, how much activity there is on my Facebook wall, notifications received, snaps received, and so on.

[QUOTE=T.F.W.O.;49188912]I'm finally on the path to find out if I have ADHD or not. I started seeing my school's psychologist. The wait between visits is so nerve racking.[/QUOTE] I'd recommend asking if they specialize in it and are up to date on how works. I've had some pretty bad people for trying to figure that out. The last doctor I saw wouldn't even refer me to a doctor that specializes in it even with a note from my mental health nurse. From what I know if you're in a university or college there is a chance is you may get told you don't have it, well infact you do. This is due to the fact students try to get prescribed the meds to help with study's and such. Hopefully it works out better for you then it did me, as it took me two years of seeing people and trying different meds not for it, before I could get them to listen. I'd ask your parents as well if they know anything about it, as mine knew I was diagnosed in elementary school but just said no he's fine just more active and busy than the others. Which is kinda odd considering I almost killed a kid in grade 1 with stabbing a pencil down his throat.

i relive it every night feels like ptsd his face was black and his skin was cold he was only 39 i dont get why my dads dead lol no one cares

[QUOTE=Fort83;49193920]I was on Effexor really helped me. Might be worth looking into. Sounds like some sort of anxiety disorder mixed with something else. Can't say I've ever felt like everything was unreal. A lot of people don't feel good enough and for some of the things we don't feel good enough about are completely out of our control and there's isnt anything we can do about it. But there are things we are able to. You go to the gym often from what I've seen of your posts, because you don't feel good enough. But that's in your control and you're doing something about it. It won't happen overnight, but take these little steps to find something about yourself you want to improve upon and start it. If you keep working out you'll eventually start feeling good about your body, if you buy new clothes that you like you'll fee good about that. Friends can be made in any number of places, but I can see that anxiety would hold you back. I think you really need to tackle the anxiety first and foremost, everything else will follow easily once you get a better grasp on it. Meds might be a good start, or perhaps a therapist.[/QUOTE] my anxiety is definitely in the way of a lot of things, so starting there would be a great idea. I'm really skeptical towards medicine that you take everyday to function better for some reason, I'm not too sure why. I remember feeling the same when I took prozac which made me stop taking it since I started paying less attention to when I should take it and so on. eventually we just had to put me off them since I wasn't motivated to take them consistently. I'll bring up effexor tomorrow when I go see my therapist. I hope I figure out what the hell this feeling of everything being unreal is soon. in just 2 months, its a year since it became as intense as it currently is. before that, I had been experiencing it for a year though a lot less intense. it was more in the background, now it's really aggressive. I think I might know what it is as I feel at home with the symptoms. it could be depersonalization disorder which is a dissociative disorder. I can't know for sure, but it's not like I "maybe" have a symptom that I barely notice then blame this, this feeling of everything being a dream, everything being hazy, everything being unreal, it has dominated my life for soon a year now. it's a very obvious symptom I'm experiencing. I don't even remember how I perceived the world before this hit. what I don't see is how this could have developed if I'm correct in what I have. depersonalization disorder usually develops to cope with trauma, but I can't recall ever experiencing something I'd consider trauma. when I think of trauma, I think of physical abuse, seeing someone you love die, being close to death, sexual abuse as a child, and so on. for me, this stuff started developing in my year of isolation from the world. is that considered trauma? having no one, being severely depressed, and being stuck in a single room for a year with the occasional visit to the bathroom? I haven't kept count, but I'm almost positive I can count how many times I exited the house on a single hand in a year. what bothers me the most here is that I read dissociative disorders usually clear up within weeks or a few months. if it sticks around for longer than that, it usually becomes permanent in most cases. I'm closing in to a year of this.

It looks like I'll have a real job between the 8th december through march. The problem is I'm supposed to go to new york for christmas with mom and my brothers, but if I can't get the time off to do that I'm just not gonna go, I wasn't too excited about it in the first place. It's at a ski-center restaurant kinda place, so I would have to move and live away during the time. I hope there is internet there cause I'm also supposed to be organizing and making music for a game dev team during that time, so I'd like to be able to do that on the side too - but if there is no internet I'm sure I can make it without internet access. This would be so good for me, I've never had a job before or lived on my own.

it's a little funny, I read on the wikipedia page for this stuff that cannabis can be a cause of this. I think just a week before it hit like a truck, I smoked weed for my first time. I remember feeling really odd sometimes that would come and go, and then suddenly one day it, well, hit me like a truck. it hasn't become less severe or more severe, it has remained completely still and incredibly intense ever since. [editline]aa[/editline] I feel like the health care system has been terrible to me. I remember the therapist I had at my first mental hospital kept telling me that it sounded like I was bordering a psychotic episode. I hadn't read up on any of this at this point so I figured she knew what she was talking about, so I thought I was psychotic all along. I kinda just played along, was told what to expect, and managed to see symptoms where there were none. then I was told I was schizophrenic? then I was showered in anti psychotics which I read actually worsen this disorder, what the hell? then I got incredibly ill which they thought was my disorder flaring up, then I was moved to a new mental hospital specializing in psychosis and schizophrenia? I'm so glad I was kicked out, that was not a place for me. from what I could gather, this disorder and psychosis can actually seem a little familiar, it's just that people with depersonalization disorder always have a good grasp around reality even though they feel like everything is unreal. this describes me perfectly. while everything feels unreal, my rational side can tell me that "chill out, everything is still real" I hope my new therapist actually sees what I actually suffer from so I finally get to know what is going on with me

Today I was hoping that my mom and my sister were reachable on Skype like they've always been for me on major holidays considering I [url=https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1483573&p=49075652&viewfull=1#post49075652]still haven't been able to reach them[/url]. Not only are they not answering, the calls instantly fail, which has never happened before. This has really spiked my anxiety. So much is going through my head right now.

I think my depression is related to what I eat, if I have too much sugar the next day I feel depressed the next day. Which explain why I wasn't as happy on my trip to America as most would be, that and I was tired most of the time. Jet lag + insomnia = depression.

Okay. Wow. Just had the weirdest panic attack ever (or something). What began as feelings of 'I miss her' and 'I feel alone' turned into the usual heavy breathing, pounding heart, crying and overall numbness. But this time it included the MOST intense depression I have ever felt. Like holy shit. It was like I was given an injection of pure depression. And then just like that — Everything was gone after like 30 minutes, and now I have a headache. I'm still thinking the same negative thoughts that lead to this episode, but they are not spiraling into physical feelings. I'm just siting here scratching my head, confused.

so thanksgiving went about as well as I'd expected. lots of anxiety and social tension, so I tried to mostly fake it until I made it. Almost vomited twice and wanted to be by myself most of the time, but couldn't. now it's past 3 am and my heater is broken. it's cold as fuck in here. i feel like not being alive anymore.

[QUOTE=fordzje;49193873]i relive it every night feels like ptsd his face was black and his skin was cold he was only 39 i dont get why my dads dead lol no one cares[/QUOTE] do you have therapy?

[QUOTE=Recurracy;49196553]do you have therapy?[/QUOTE] I have a social worker and im on a waiting list for bereavment councelling but its been 4 month no support, no friends, on my own so i doubt itll do anything now

I promise that I'm never gonna kill myself, but the thought of dying sounds so relieving and relaxing sometimes. Almost like I'll be doing the world some good for once.

found myself back on the edge again fellas and fellettes fuck everything

[QUOTE=geogzm;49203429]found myself back on the edge again fellas and fellettes fuck everything[/QUOTE] Please don't give up. I know you don't think so right now, but someone in the world does need you. I promise they do. Please don't give up.

I just want to crawl into a ball and hide somewhere, I still don't know what to do with my life, and the one thing I'm pretty sure of, no one supports and I'm doubting it.