Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=geogzm;49203429]found myself back on the edge again fellas and fellettes fuck everything[/QUOTE] Find your favorite instrument or synth patch and play the darkness away It helps a lot. Gotta keep trucking through the night to make it to morning again. The nights get easier, though, with time.

[QUOTE=kijji;49203547]I just want to crawl into a ball and hide somewhere, I still don't know what to do with my life, and the one thing I'm pretty sure of, no one supports and I'm doubting it.[/QUOTE] Well, maybe Steve Jobs will help? [video=youtube;VHWUCX6osgM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHWUCX6osgM[/video]

[QUOTE=Mysterious;49203507]Please don't give up. I know you don't think so right now, but someone in the world does need you. I promise they do. Please don't give up.[/QUOTE] suicide isn't something i'm capable of, which kinda leaves me feeling constantly like i'm on the edge when my mind begins to fall apart. feels like i'm balancing plates 24/7 just to stay alive and well despite having a fairly low workload at my job and i feel so incapable of life in general but none of that's even related to what's wrong which kinda cements how my head's a bit like a house on fire right now thank you for the support though [editline]28th November 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=paindoc;49204261]Find your favorite instrument or synth patch and play the darkness away It helps a lot. Gotta keep trucking through the night to make it to morning again. The nights get easier, though, with time.[/QUOTE] decided to try and bash out something different but otherwise, i need to pick up some new subs. it's music that's part of my current brain hiccup :v:

I've begun writing a personal diary. I've always thought it was a pretty feminine (and early teen) thing to do, but it feels surprisingly normal to do it. I'm hoping it'll help me identify what my problems are and what causes them. why I have bad days, why I react the way I do, and so on. for example, if I've reacted negatively to something one day I'll never ponder it from a neutral perspective since I'm upset in the moment. if I ponder it days later or the very same day, I'll definitely forget what I've learned. by writing this stuff down, I'll locate why I reacted, why it was bad or potentially okay to react the way I did, and what the other person may have been thinking during all this. since it's written down, I'll also always have access to it later. so far I'm not exactly noticing much difference of course as I've only been doing this for three days I believe? of course I just gotta give it some time before I see results, and even if it doesn't really help in any way, it's always fun to just write about my day. I also think I have to get better at fleshing things out. today for example the log was rather lackluster, but not much happened today to begin with. I just met a friend, we had nothing to talk about, suddenly we were at a friend of hers place, saw Frozen, and I went home. pretty uneventful so maybe it's okay to not write as much. I suppose I'll figure out eventually, I'm sure I'll notice if major details are missing.

I wonder if writing a diary would help me somehow, but when I think of a diary I think of it having a little lock on it and hiding it under my pillow :v:

[QUOTE=kijji;49206146]I wonder if writing a diary would help me somehow, but when I think of a diary I think of it having a little lock on it and hiding it under my pillow :v:[/QUOTE] Learn short hand, in a language not well known and write it back wards.

[QUOTE=kijji;49206146]I wonder if writing a diary would help me somehow, but when I think of a diary I think of it having a little lock on it and hiding it under my pillow :v:[/QUOTE] I just downloaded an app to my phone, much easier to access and keep private [editline]29th November 2015[/editline] I'm still really conflicted of what I even want with my life. what makes me happy? I feel like everything I do is just a way to make time tick. watching movies is just so I have something to do, sure it's entertaining, but in the end it's not what I want to do. same goes with TV series, games, messing around with anything computer related, playing guitar, etc etc. I would always choose something else over any of this given the choice. I feel like absolutely everything is just a way to make time pass. even vacations! before I figured, hey, I want to be a very social person who is with people all the time, that is what I want with life, that is what I'll enjoy, but now I've been out the door for pretty much two weeks in a row and now I realize that this is just another way to spend time as well! perhaps I'm just not comfortable enough socially to really enjoy it? I have no idea. maybe my view on life is just a little poor right now? is this depression speaking? of everything I do, I don't think there's anything I really think of as "wow, this makes me happy! this is what I want with my life!, but rather as, time wasters, as mentioned. it's a goal of making life bearable to live, but then I ask myself, why should I live? I'm not saying I'm gonna go jump off a cliff or hang myself as soon as I finish this post, I'm just genuinely curious as to what the hell I should do with my life. I don't really see the point in living when everything I do is just a way to make life bearable. I have no meaning, I have no ultimate goal, I will not advance mankind in any way, I will not create something big, as soon as I'm gone, no one will remember me. sure, some people will remember me, but by the time I'm gone they're gone as well so not really. I just don't see why I should live when all I'm doing with my life is to simply make it bearable to live. making my life bearable to live also requires a lot of effort. I gotta go see a therapist, I gotta hit the gym, I gotta maintain social relations, and eventually I'll have to start working 5 days a week to make sure money flows in. in the end, would it just not be much easier for me to simply kill myself rather than spending a lot of wasted effort on something that will never truly grow? it's like watering a seed that you already know will never become a full grown plant. why waste resources on that? [editline]29th November 2015[/editline] I'm not exactly feeling sad or depressed, I think, when writing all of this. are these suicidal thoughts? I actually have no idea. I just feel like I'm stating the facts here. [editline]29th November 2015[/editline] okay, my eyes are have begun watering. I was not sad when I wrote that, but it's sort of starting to hit. the realization that I don't really have anything to live for. considering to call a suicide hotline, but I don't know if I'm even "qualified" to get their help as I'm pretty sure I won't kill myself today anyway.

You sound like you re over thinking it. When I was way younger, I wanted to be a Buddhist monk along with other things. I never did them cause reasons. Decades later, turns out it was the right thing to do. However I learned how it was right was in a very shitty manner. When steve Jobs says do what you want, Im starting to think he is on to something. He lived with courage and embrace. I lived in fear and anxiety. Steve was successful. I'm in ruin. Take your pick. Embrace or fear? Success or ruin? Your choice.

I'm considering dropping out of college. It's my first semester and it has been [I]extremely[/I] bad. Failed Calculus, Algebra, Chemistry and Physics. I sucked at Engineering Drawing (I had no idea how to draw an isometric circle so I was unable to draw anything isometric beyond basic, rectangle shapes, on top of that), but got 100 because our teacher rarely showed up and we didn't do anything. The only ones I passed were filler, easy subjects like Communication and Technology. Then I gotta deal with being called names for failing at tests, struggling with college payments and then on top of that paying for retake tests (which are usually difficult enough, so you gotta retake them over and over again or re-take the entire course). School isn't easy with this shit. All your failed opportunities show up in your grades, and anywhere you go, employers and people will see them. Some people got the entire paper full due to how many times they failed the same subject. Failing a subject automatically bans you from joining a lot of programs and by the time you graduate, you'll be forced to pay the FULL price for your title. I don't know what I will study after this semester. My family already makes fun of me for dropping out, so it's gonna be a pretty difficult time. I already ran out of cash and spend what I have left in therapy sessions. I think I'm gonna find a job and probably go unnoticed among friends and such, don't want them to know I just couldn't deal with college. My mother is kinda annoyed with me because even after I'm going to therapy I still struggle with stuff, I keep thinking about killing myself and then I get angry/sad for no reason. I hate posting this, I know you all think "You're always victimizing yourself, fuck, you're boring". I know, but I don't know what to do anymore. My family is pretty much done with me, my problems just bring them more worry and more trouble, my friends are done with me too. I try to help myself but it's just impossible and I cannot kill myself because then people will say I'm a coward, selfish and a massive attention whore for trying.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49206534]I'm considering dropping out of college. It's my first semester and it has been [I]extremely[/I] bad. Failed Calculus, Algebra, Chemistry and Physics. I sucked at Engineering Drawing (I had no idea how to draw an isometric circle so I was unable to draw anything isometric beyond basic, rectangle shapes, on top of that), but got 100 because our teacher rarely showed up and we didn't do anything. The only ones I passed were filler, easy subjects like Communication and Technology. Then I gotta deal with being called names for failing at tests, struggling with college payments and then on top of that paying for retake tests (which are usually difficult enough, so you gotta retake them over and over again or re-take the entire course). School isn't easy with this shit. All your failed opportunities show up in your grades, and anywhere you go, employers and people will see them. Some people got the entire paper full due to how many times they failed the same subject. Failing a subject automatically bans you from joining a lot of programs and by the time you graduate, you'll be forced to pay the FULL price for your title. I don't know what I will study after this semester. My family already makes fun of me for dropping out, so it's gonna be a pretty difficult time. I already ran out of cash and spend what I have left in therapy sessions. I think I'm gonna find a job and probably go unnoticed among friends and such, don't want them to know I just couldn't deal with college. My mother is kinda annoyed with me because even after I'm going to therapy I still struggle with stuff, I keep thinking about killing myself and then I get angry/sad for no reason. I hate posting this, I know you all think "You're always victimizing yourself, fuck, you're boring". I know, but I don't know what to do anymore. My family is pretty much done with me, my problems just bring them more worry and more trouble, my friends are done with me too. I try to help myself but it's just impossible and I cannot kill myself because then people will say I'm a coward, selfish and a massive attention whore for trying.[/QUOTE] Umm go join the Kurds and fight ISIS for a bit and come back? Hey, if you wanna die, go die for a purpose.

[QUOTE=JohhnyCarson;49206508]You sound like you re over thinking it. When I was way younger, I wanted to be a Buddhist monk along with other things. I never did them cause reasons. Decades later, turns out it was the right thing to do. However I learned how it was right was in a very shitty manner. When steve Jobs says do what you want, Im starting to think he is on to something. He lived with courage and embrace. I lived in fear and anxiety. Steve was successful. I'm in ruin. Take your pick. Embrace or fear? Success or ruin? Your choice.[/QUOTE] I feel like the big problem here is that I have nothing I want to pursue. I don't want to become a monk for example, I don't know what I want to do. I feel like things would be much easier if I had a big life goal I wanted to achieve, then I at least would always have something to strive for.

This is what my brain sounds like most of the time [media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvqlt7OWTOk[/media]

I don't understand what is going on. I was so happy for so long, I've done so many positive changes in my life, and yet I have a stronger feeling of wanting to end it than before when I was completely isolated? am I realizing how much life really sucks now that I've been exposed to it even more? am I realizing that life isn't actually for me? is life for everyone?

[QUOTE=JohhnyCarson;49206601]Umm go join the Kurds and fight ISIS for a bit and come back? Hey, if you wanna die, go die for a purpose.[/QUOTE] Is it bad if I think that it doesn't sound like a bad idea?

Someone suggested that dating sites could help with my loneliness, I'm not sure. I'm not patient enough to use dating sites and getting spammed pisses me off.

is it okay to share all of these thoughts I've posted about in this thread to a friend I have? I just sent her a message, not as detailed as I've posted her, but just describing that I'm feeling like shit and feeling rather suicidal. I felt a need to tell someone I know in real life how I actually feel these days so they have some sort of understanding of my situation. hopefully get some advice as well, it's always much better to get advice from someone you care about than strangers on the internet even though that helps as well [editline]29th November 2015[/editline] I'm seeing very obvious signs of things becoming shitty again. I'm so scared of relapsing now, I've made so much progress, I don't know if I'd be able to pick myself up again. its been an uphill battle for soon 3 years now, and the battle overall has lasted pretty much ever since elementary school. I've spent an entire year to get to where I am now, and I'm still very far from my goal. if I lose that year, it'd really fuck me up

[QUOTE=kijji;49206733]Someone suggested that dating sites could help with my loneliness, I'm not sure. I'm not patient enough to use dating sites and getting spammed pisses me off.[/QUOTE] Try talking to people in real life. I'm isolated for a lot of time every day, it doesn't bring me down, but from time to time I gotta stop and speak with someone I know. Believe it or not, that little, short conversation, no matter what I'm talking about, can make wonders for me. I have no experience with dating sites, but I've heard they're pretty good. Maybe you could try both.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49206602]I feel like the big problem here is that I have nothing I want to pursue. I don't want to become a monk for example, I don't know what I want to do. I feel like things would be much easier if I had a big life goal I wanted to achieve, then I at least would always have something to strive for.[/QUOTE] If I were in a better position, I'd give it to you. Yet the best idea I can think of picking up a hobby and become a master at it. If you cant think of one, just write a very long list of things, then get some dice that have true (or as close true) randomness to it, then assign each thing on your list a number. Then roll the dice, whatever number pops up, you try to achieve mastery as best you can in that thing, within a set period of time. If its to be CEO, then try for that. If go on road trip, go for that. If its to be an martial arts master, go for that. If it to cross dress for a few weeks and try to pass, do that. I know it sounds dumb, but the only difference between what you doing now and this method is you' re torturing your self with the former. You still guessing either way. At least my way, you might get a chuckle or two. You might just strike on what you want to do by chance too. [QUOTE]Is it bad if I think that it doesn't sound like a bad idea?[/QUOTE] Look it at this way. If you do well, you might become in charge. A person bigger then you are now. Go fight and carve out a kingdom for your self. Sounds crazy but hey....... Its an idea.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49206744]Stuff[/QUOTE] It's good you got people to talk with. Hopefully you don't end up like me and do what I did. My family and my friends got tired of me and I'm not joking, they don't ask me how I did at school anymore or how I'm doing because the answer will be the same. Just try and not flood your friends too much with your negative stuff. It's good to ask for advice from people you know, but it can be annoying when you just use them to vent all time. Try to give good news to people from time to time, they'll like to hear that. Also, try to look for something to chill out, maybe go for a walk? Or ask her if she wants to go somewhere? If you're feeling like things are becoming shitty, find something to keep your mind busy with.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49206793]Try talking to people in real life. I'm isolated for a lot of time every day, it doesn't bring me down, but from time to time I gotta stop and speak with someone I know. Believe it or not, that little, short conversation, no matter what I'm talking about, can make wonders for me. I have no experience with dating sites, but I've heard they're pretty good. Maybe you could try both.[/QUOTE] I'm not in uni or anything so I can't talk to girls that much

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49206840]It's good you got people to talk with. Hopefully you don't end up like me and do what I did. My family and my friends got tired of me and I'm not joking, they don't ask me how I did at school anymore or how I'm doing because the answer will be the same. Just try and not flood your friends too much with your negative stuff. It's good to ask for advice from people you know, but it can be annoying when you just use them to vent all time. Try to give good news to people from time to time, they'll like to hear that. Also, try to look for something to chill out, maybe go for a walk? Or ask her if she wants to go somewhere? If you're feeling like things are becoming shitty, find something to keep your mind busy with.[/QUOTE] I'm trying to be very careful of my venting. I know how annoying I find it, I've had friends who just talk problems but nothing else, I don't want to be one of them. I was very hesitant to send her what I sent her, but man, I don't feel like I can just pretend I'm happy in front of everyone I know. I'm not happy, I'm depressed and feeling awful. I talk with them about their problems, surely it must be okay for me to toss out my issues to them as well? I also feel like it might strengthen my relation to whoever I ask for help, not that it's my primary goal here. opening up for someone when you never do it is just a sign of trust and feeling safe with whoever you vent to in my head. of course, in moderation. it just becomes annoying when you constantly talk problems to them, especially when it ends up being the only thing you talk of when you first have a conversation. [editline]29th November 2015[/editline] my face hurts because I'm not able to relax my face muscles. I'm feeling the shittiest I've felt in a long time now [editline]29th November 2015[/editline] it's an odd feeling. I want to cry, I want to get relief. I'm all tense and feeling ill.

not exactly feeling very awful after waking up now, but definitely feeling awful. my friend saw the message I sent 4 hours ago, but never bothered to reply. I don't know what else I expected. I haven't exactly been venting constantly either, this is the only time in two months where I've opened up and shared what I was feeling. the only other time was when I asked if she was busy, we talked some, and then I revealed I was feeling down and was wondering if she'd mind if I called her to just talk about it. after that, she disappeared for 4-5 hours and when she came back all she said was "sorry, I started cleaning my room". it's pretty obvious she avoided it, she's the kind of person who is literally glued to their phone. I have no idea what she's gonna do about this one now that I've just opened up via chat and there was no avoiding it from her side. lots of regrets. I'm now questioning if she's even a good friend at all to have around. she has opened up to me, I've given her words of advice, we both agree that it's scummy to be in a friendship but never help, she has lots of issues herself and so on. clearly she knows how important it is to get help when you're feeling very down, which I recall her even saying, yet she doesn't act on it when I for example need her help? I'm pretty sure I've heard her help others, though that was over the phone where she wasn't given much choice. I see two scenarios. either she's the kind of person who needs a lot of help herself and sees how important it is but fails to see that she has to give out a lending hand to her friends as well, or she just doesn't view me as a good enough friend to really bother helping out. both of these are terrible. this makes me question why the hell does she take the initiative to hang out so often? to me, it just confirms that I'm a backup solution and that she just uses me to make sure she has something to do. at the same time, I'm afraid that the message I sent will make it uncomfortable for her to take the initiative again. I feel a little embarrassed too, to be honest. I opened up to her, told her how I was feeling and that things were shitty, and I don't even get a response. okay sure, I told her that I wasn't expecting much from her, that I didn't expect her to give me lots of good advice or a shoulder to cry on, that it was rather a need from my side, but that's kind of a lie from me in an attempt to put as little burden as I can on her. of course I want her to give me a shoulder to cry on, and I hoped she'd see that, but maybe she just accepted what I wrote and figured she wouldn't help out. I feel like I fucked up our relation by sending that message [editline]29th November 2015[/editline] about five minutes after this post she actually replied with a long message with lots of words! I gotta be honest, I didn't feel like it was too relevant to my problem, but I'm not blaming her. she still came with positive words and I don't think she could have handled it any better considering it's very hard to actually come with advice when it comes to these issues. in the end, I'm feeling better knowing that she cared enough to send that message

literally the only thing i'm looking forward to right now is finishing a questline in a video game to unlock a character just to put my shitty cosmetics on him

i dont know what to do, my life has gone to shit and all i do is mope around my house all day sleep and repeat. it all started back in august, i met a girl i liked her a lot , she became my girlfriend and i fell in love with her. fast forward one month and i lost my job for being 15 minutes late on a saturday. at the time i didn't care because my boss was a dick and i still had my girlfriend. then at the start of this month my girlfriend tells me shes unhappy, and i get the feeling she wants to break up and i was right. she had too much going on in her life and she didn't have time for a boyfriend so i had to break up with her to make her happy. i was sad about it for a day or two but got over it very quickly. a few days later i started talking to an old friend and organised a date. it was fun, we went on a second date and planned another but she cancelled because she said she wasn't feeling well. she cancelled again and didn't really talk to me much for a long time and still isn't really talking to me. then she told me the other day that she cancelled because she wanted to kill herself and on that night she tried to OD on sleeping meds. now i'm mixed up with this person, i really like her we used to sort of date ages ago and she likes me but she is so confusing. so my problems are i'm fucking poor, i'm hungry, i'm bored and i'm extremely lonely. the only time i'm happy is when i'm with friends, as soon as i'm by myself its back to being a sad fuck. over the past week my depression has gotten really overwhelming and i just want to be able to switch off. having no money, i can't afford alcohol or cigarettes, and when i have money thats what i buy instead of food because it makes me feel good. i've been applying for jobs like crazy and so far nothing promising has come back except for a few saying they have me on the short list but no interviews, nothing promising, i've applied for like 60 jobs. i'm on centrelink because i'm a student, i get enough money for a fortnights rent and a little left over for food. this fortnight i paid rent, got a haircut, bought a pack of smokes and dinner for 2 nights, now i have no money and i'm living off of the large supply of noodles i bought when i first moved here. i just want to have a job again, i want money, i want a car, i want to be able to afford nice things again, even just nice food again. i don't know what to do.

It makes me feel so fucking miserable when someone says they're depressed and then says that "my gf and friends are very close to me right now". I know i shouldn't but i feel like disappearing whenever i hear that.

My loneliness is easily the worst part of this depression. I kinda think I deserve it for not even trying to put myself out there. What makes me any different than anyone else like this? Why should I deserve someone to be happy with? Not like anyone would want to be around me all the time like that anyway.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;49209088]My loneliness is easily the worst part of this depression. I kinda think I deserve it for not even trying to put myself out there. What makes me any different than anyone else like this? Why should I deserve someone to be happy with? Not like anyone would want to be around me all the time like that anyway.[/QUOTE] exactly how I feel myself, man :(

I've cut myself twice and I can't stop thinking about it I'm scared that there's no turning back, cutting myself again is all I can think about

How the fuck do I stop being terrified of everything and not making any progress in my life as a result? In the past few months I have: 1) Missed a dream job opportunity because I stressed over the perfect cover letter and resume, and potential questions that would come up regarding why I was changing jobs so quickly. By the time I collected myself and submitted everything, the job was already filled. 2) Have been unable to start up several potential hobbies because I am fearful about a multitude of things.... not knowing how to do them due to being new, making mistakes, not fitting in with other people, logistical things etc etc. 3) Just this past weekend I was supposed to go on a trip but I became so worked up over several very unlikely but still still possible circumstance that could arise that I became physically ill (chest pains, sharp pain in my neck and headaches) and was unable to go, letting down several people who were counting on me in the process. I was really pushing myself to go through with incident #3 as well... I just couldn't stop having negative thoughts about something going wrong, and by the time I had to commit, I no longer wanted to even do it. I feel like I've made no meaningful advancements in my life in the past 5 years as a result. I've recently lost all my friends, and my only "hobby" to speak of consists of wasting my days inside playing video games. I do not even remember the last time I have felt a sense of accomplishment in my life. I'm so sick of it, I just want to have a meaningful life filled with moments I can remember years from now but I'm afraid of doing even the simplest things.

[QUOTE]How the fuck do I stop being terrified of everything and not making any progress in my life as a result? In the past few months I have: [/QUOTE] How about Improvisational theatre? Its all about being in the moment, making stuff up as you go along, deal with things as they come to pass and maybe be a bit less stiff.