Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I notice I'm sleeping a lot more and feeling more tired than usual. Is this normal for when I'm just starting antidepressants?

I have no family here except my parents and 2 uncles and christmas is so depressing. New year's eve is even worse,wish i could just go to sleep like any other day and not sit at that incredibly miserable table,or even better have some friends to stay together with but that's not happening this year or ever is it huh.

considering abandoning my entire current online presence to start over as a different person

[QUOTE=kijji;49271703]I notice I'm sleeping a lot more and feeling more tired than usual. Is this normal for when I'm just starting antidepressants?[/QUOTE] Yep they'll be other side effect too, like some emotional numbness for a while and some people (including myself) have a small period of absolute depression about 3/4 weeks in.

[QUOTE=Rossy167;49272943]Yep they'll be other side effect too, like some emotional numbness for a while and some people (including myself) have a small period of absolute depression about 3/4 weeks in.[/QUOTE] I'm noticing some dizziness too. Hopefully it'll subside in its own as my body gets used to it.

I think I am cursed by some sort of anti-suicide demon. I tried killing myself last night... I guess it was too nights ago... but I obviously failed. My previous attempts were all stopped because someone found me after I was unconscious. This time I went into the woods by my Nana's house and overdosed their instead. I had been saving all my old medications for months. They were like an alcoholic hiding a bottle of scotch underneath his pillow, I guess. Well, I hope you're happy demon! You have done it again. I'll continue to live against the odds. I used to tell people that I don't want to kill myself, I just want to be happy. That statement hasn't been true for a long time. Even when I'm happy I want to kill myself. At least if I die happy, I can end it on a high-note. If I die happy I won't have to feel this way I do now... ever again. I promised myself last year on my birthday that if I survived that attempt, I wouldn't try again until I turned. I should have died 2 months ago. I've made a lot of mistakes over my life. I look at all of you and think, "that is so sad, he didn't do anything to deserve that." Unlike all of you I have no diagnosis. I've had so many doctors tell me, "the scope of my illness is too much for them." The rest say I'm just there for attention. My mother says that if I was really suicidal that I would have died already. My dad came to me the other day and said, "Son, the doctors have failed you. You're therapist has failed you. I have failed you. I can't help you anymore. I'm sorry that I told you I could. When you were younger you would cry and that either meant you wanted food or you needed your diaper changed. Now that you are a man, your problems are bigger than me. I don't want you to kill yourself, and neither does your mother. I'll support any decision you make as long as you are alive, but I can't help you." I remember every word. I think that was a month ago? He said what I wanted to hear for so long. All this time I thought he was just ignoring me. At times I even thought that he was purposely trying to make me kill myself because he was bored or something. Having someone reafirm my belief that I can't be helped was nice, but it's like a dog chasing a dump truck. Now what? A few months ago he asked me what I was up to on the phone, and I said I was just living like Toby (my grandmas dog). The next time my dad came over he walked up to Toby and thanked him. I asked my dad why he did that and he said, "Because he is keeping my boy alive." 2016 is approaching soon.

feeling pretty miserable and suicidal right now don't see myself living past 20

I'm thinking more and more about dying as the days go by. Not killing myself. Just death and what comes after. I had a dream I was in a car accident last night, and it got me thinking about how ultimately meaningless my life is if something were to happen to me anyway. Would anyone even remember me? I'm starting to doubt it.

I woke up hating myself and I've spent all of today being at school imagining what stabbing myself would feel like and doing no work send help

[QUOTE=DeadKiller987;49263237][editline]7th December 2015[/editline] You should defo take the blood test as soon as possible no matter how scary it is. Better to know if you have something than sit in the dark with a possible illness while not treating it. Also have you thought about Alcoholics/Sexoholics Anonymous? I haven't tried it myself, though I had a drinking problem a while back too, but it helps some people. [editline]7th December 2015[/editline] [/QUOTE] WRT sex I have been prescribed some pills that have effectively neutralized my libido for the past 2-3 months and kept me much safer from myself. When it comes to AA, I've looked it up but its just a bit too spiritual for me. I'm an atheist, I was brought up as such and my life experiences have pushed me towards being as such. Religion or counting on someone doesn't work for me. I'm making developments though.

i wish i was dead. I cant cope anymore

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;49273640]i wish i was dead. I cant cope anymore[/QUOTE] keep your head up. set yourself goals, even if they are small. move towards what you want to be, one step at a time and don't be hard on yourself.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49273569]I woke up hating myself and I've spent all of today being at school imagining what stabbing myself would feel like and doing no work send help[/QUOTE] I haven't stabbed myself, but let me tell you what it feels like: [I] A very very sharp burning/stinging open pain[/I], your muscle will try to cramp up in the area only intensifying the pain, followed by what feels like a leaking/acidic feeling, extreme dizzyness, woozyness, your ears will start to ring, you will get tunnel vision, all other pains you weren't aware of suddenly become apparent for a few split seconds, you'll panic, followed by a cold wet feeling in the area you were stabbed. You'll either faint from shock and bleed out or not, I mean this all depends on where it happened. It is not fun.

[QUOTE=Te Great Skeeve;49249740]I feel so detached from my friends but I want to be with them more, so I talk more, but I feel they don't like that, so I don't talk for awhile, and it when its my turn to speak I talk again, only longer then last time. It's an endless cycle. I made my basement basically the biggest game room there is, entirely built by myself using spare parts and broken things, it's filled with board games, an arcade machine, a vending machine, shit loads of old consoles, a wargaming table with multiple battlefields And yet I haven't had a single friend over in over a year, and nobody to appreciate what I have done. It seems they always want to hang out with each other, but whenever I mention anything with me involved, they come up with excuses. I end up playing board games, arcade games by myself and continue tinkering with everything.. but it's beginning to feel pointless. The same is even happening in videogames now, nobody wants to play co-op or even multiplayer games, everybody is too busy. sucks[/QUOTE] I'd love to know you irl. you sound like a nice person. hope you'll feel better soon

[QUOTE=kijji;49272971]I'm noticing some dizziness too. Hopefully it'll subside in its own as my body gets used to it.[/QUOTE] I forgot to mention drowsiness. Yeah you should get used to it, I talked about getting used to it here recently I'm going to type up an update soon just to organize it in my head. The way you feel things will kinda jump about for a while.

lmao i'm on 350 mg of effexor daily and i can't walk around my house without shaking hands and a pounding heart i want to fucking kill myself

So a quick update: The numbness isn't coming back. I've kind of accepted it by now. My friend telling me he's always felt numb I think is his own problem and if he needs me I'm there to help him deal with that. That's not to say I'm not distant or careless. I treat most situations with complete reckless abandon. But I'm less numb than I was, still not entirely happy with that but I'm coping with it, I mean the meds have still been a net positive: I'm far less depressed now and a day where I just can't take it is much more of a rare event than instead being just part of my weekly routine. I also haven't seriously considered dropping out of sixth form in weeks. The girl, the feelings or whatever. The feelings are only just romantic to be honest, I just really care about her for some reason. Trying to articulate this to my friend had him literally laughing at me for being such a sappy prat. That's why these feelings are so frustrating though, because she has anxiety issues, I have to tread very carefully, it wouldn't put us or her in the best place if she knew and that's the last thing I want because of the fact that I care about her. She has a boyfriend, I think the only appeal in him is that he's boring and stable, not like me who's erratic and all over the place (I like to say I'm an enigmatic maverick but whatever :v:). Basically I can cope. I can deal with this shit because I've done it a million times before and I'll do it a million times again. Having a crush on a close friend that isn't even slightly interested isn't exactly new territory for me, and feeling isn't exactly terrible since I'm far less depressed than I was. tl;dr things aren't great, but I'm coping.

for the past few weeks i have been letting my grandfather use my car to drive to work because I don't use it. it was worth $4000 when I bought it, and that was in 2010. I'm not sure what to say. I guess I'm just happy that he isn't hurt, but... that car was all I had left. my last possession. I'm grateful that he lets me live with him. I guess I can't complain...

[QUOTE=icarusfoundyou;49273590]When it comes to AA, I've looked it up but its just a bit too spiritual for me. I'm an atheist, I was brought up as such and my life experiences have pushed me towards being as such. Religion or counting on someone doesn't work for me.[/QUOTE] I've heard that most AA groups are religious in some parts of the world, but surely there are some non-religious ones? I'd never go for those cult like groups either. [editline]9th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=_jesterk;49274223]lmao i'm on 350 mg of effexor daily and i can't walk around my house without shaking hands and a pounding heart i want to fucking kill myself[/QUOTE] That drug is fucking shit IMO. Doc said it's supposed to treat anxiety well when she prescribed it to me, but it fucking increased it. I'd ask for another med if I were you. That's what I did. [editline]9th December 2015[/editline] So many people wanting to kill themselves here wow. When I was a little suicidal like a year back, the thing keeping me from doing it the most was that there was no painless way to do it available to me. Nowadays I'd rather just keep living, even if I'll turn out to be a NEET and don't progress in life ever. Anyway I'm a lot more chill this week, I guess my meds are starting to work a little so that's good. Also my dad finally agreed to install a lock in my door so finally I'll get my privacy.

Moved in yesterday with 5 other people in a small cottage. Unfortunately we have to share rooms 2 and 2, but the chick I'm sharing with is alright, although she farts when she sleeps :v: tomorrow I turn 20, but too much work to really get anything going. The perfect day would be today cause I start at 6pm tomorrow but I don't think there will be enough time to go get alcohol. The dude who lived here before all of us since a year ago is a little hard to understand, I think he's from Iran, but he's super nice and chill. I went to bed yesterday at like 9 pm cause I was so tired, went up around 10 am today, it's 12 right now and I've got 4 hours until I gotta be at work so I took some time to do some cleaning and washing in the kitchen so hopefully that will be appreciated - if not, atleast I like it better this way! I've written down a bunch of stuff that I need to buy or bring from home, gonna take a walk to the store in an hour or so and see what they have there and also to get out and have a bit of a look around. Work hasn't [I]really[/I] started yet so maybe the stress of that will wear me down but honestly I feel great coming up here. It feels like I can be myself in an odd way, without everything in my past weighing me down, it's such a relief. This was probably the best thing I could do after spending 2 years living in moms apartment with no job, no money, nothing really but amazing friends.

Keep it up brother!!!!

The things I were supposed to say the other night went unsaid. I was so anxious over that I'd get a negative response or plain being ignored, when all I said that last Friday would probably had been a lot more traumatic if I hadn't been so drunk. But I got a positive reaction despite my pessimistic presumption. Instead I became overjoyed and elaborated on that it was strange to have 15 drunk people in one house and I was the only one who apparently got hurt (like getting slapped behind my ear without provocation). Anyways. Last night I said what I was supposed to say the other night. And man did it become a long message. I had to bring up the topic on if we're ever going to talk for real. Because I can't take anymore of this crap where we only talk by text, have text leave out the finer nuances of communication and letting anxious imaginations fill in the empty parts with the worst possibilities. It's so fucking absurd this whole thing. We should've talked long ago, apparently both wanted to, yet we haven't. Also a funny thing is that the last thing that got her pissed off at me. Seemed to be due to scars from her relationship with an abuser. As I only wanted to talk, I was roaming around the huge city region she lives in. Having my own inner battle. And I bumped into her dad. I only wanted to apologize for things and say what insight I had on my mind. And she exploded at me via text, accusing me of not being near her home entirely by accident and telling me to stay away from her and her close circle. It was a half accident. As I almost traveled from one end of the region to another. But the funny part was that during that inner turmoil I was wishing for that I'd never met her. Believing that; that way she'd be better off and I'd had drunk myself towards the bottom and finished myself off once there. And everyone would have been better off. Fragile self-worth and fear, as I said to her. It was quite relieving yet hard at the party on Friday to actually hear about the type of a guy that is the worst that has seemingly been assumed of me and the worst I've feared of myself. The ex bf of one of the girls there. An emotional and physical abuser and also a cheater. Called her many times and finally one of the guys there picked up and pretended to be her current boyfriend. And that guy got to hear several death threats from that narcissistic and many more pleads to kill himself. And to think that I imagined myself as someone like that when I was at my most depressed and anxious state. Which felt like sharing a desolate gas-station bathroom with a serial-killer. Despite having been in a situation where those whom have listened to me explain my entire part in the matter and sympathized with me. Now I'm just rambling. I don't wanna go home from school and eventually check my inbox. I'm scared.

just came out to a close friend and they're 100% accepting but i still feel terrible.

I just spent an hour taking photos of the stars outside, just because I could. Things are really starting to look up.

So, I'm stuck. My friend had a talk with me last night, if I'm ever going to move in with I have to fix some things about myself. I'm more than willing to, and I'm trying, I've already done such a good job as it is. It's just hard. I'm surrounded by really rude people, my parents sheltered me my whole life and I didn't have the best upbringing. Not to mention I was harassed a lot in school. The only problems are: she says I have to fix my self confidence, body language, and I have to work on my social skills. While my social skills aren't terribly cringey/weird/or unfixable, people can immediatley pick up that I'm a little bit "tweaky". By social skills she means I'm not being confident enough and occasionally I stutter. I stutter because I've struggled with that since I was a child, and I've got TMJ so physically my jaw locks up sometimes, and the surgery is fucked so I wont ever get it done. She suggested I take a college course at a community college. I can't afford college so I'm fucked. This is why I need a job so desperatley, I need to socialize with people more and practice being confident. Basically I'm still moving out and she's still my best friend, I just have to fix my self confidence because she gets frustrated at my child-like timidness that shows sometimes. She's a little older than me and has more experience with life, and wasn't sheltered or denied any social life, so she's got that and I don't.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49280808]So, I'm stuck. My friend had a talk with me last night, if I'm ever going to move in with I have to fix some things about myself. I'm more than willing to, and I'm trying, I've already done such a good job as it is. It's just hard. I'm surrounded by really rude people, my parents sheltered me my whole life and I didn't have the best upbringing. Not to mention I was harassed a lot in school. The only problems are: she says I have to fix my self confidence, body language, and I have to work on my social skills. While my social skills aren't terribly cringey/weird/or unfixable, people can immediatley pick up that I'm a little bit "tweaky". By social skills she means I'm not being confident enough and occasionally I stutter. I stutter because I've struggled with that since I was a child, and I've got TMJ so physically my jaw locks up sometimes, and the surgery is fucked so I wont ever get it done. She suggested I take a college course at a community college. I can't afford college so I'm fucked. This is why I need a job so desperatley, I need to socialize with people more and practice being confident. Basically I'm still moving out and she's still my best friend, I just have to fix my self confidence because she gets frustrated at my child-like timidness that shows sometimes. She's a little older than me and has more experience with life, and wasn't sheltered or denied any social life, so she's got that and I don't.[/QUOTE] There this book: napoleon hill how to get rich. I also know a few "tricks" to help one come up with ideas to deal with money issues or any thing else. If you want to hear it. Also if you want to get creative, there this guy who got a house in exchange for a red paper clip.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;49279401]I just spent an hour taking photos of the stars outside, just because I could. Things are really starting to look up.[/QUOTE] I spent two hours just playing various violin and orchestral libraries on my synth. The surprise though was I didn't play sad stuff, which I what I normally do. Played out various cinematic and uplifting sounding things. It's quite nice losing yourself in a hobby, it feels very serene [editline]9th December 2015[/editline] Share the pics maybe? I'm interested :D

I still need to find a hobby besides gaming :s:

[QUOTE=kijji;49281525]I still need to find a hobby besides gaming :s:[/QUOTE] Mimic voices from various forms of pop culture and post it on you tube? As for the trick, here it goes. If you want help with money, just imagine your self at a board meaning. You are the boss. Around the table are various advisers. Imagine asking them questions when you have an issue where you are stumped. Eventually you will get answers that are rather creative, surprising, timely and extremely useful.

Started cutting for the first time since June I'm losing myself, my mind, everything I'm close to the edge but I can't go past it I don't have the balls