Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I'm always getting called cute/adorable/etc but I look in the mirror and I just can't see it (getting called cute as a guy isn't super uplifting either, that's not what I'm going for, dammit)

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49295542]I didn't realize until I took a new selfie how thin I actually was. I still sometimes see myself as super fat when I'm not and its very bizzare to me. I used to be a pretty heavy girl, like I'm sure I've mentioned this before I was pretty much 180-190 almost 200 lbs. Part of my low self confidence was from people telling me over the years that I was fat and ugly so it stood in the back of my head even to this day I still thought that people were constantly judging my appearance. When in reality: no one gives a shit what I look like and those that nitpick me are fucking idiots. I was always thinking: Well I don't want to be stubborn and big-headed! I gotta be open to criticism! And while that is true, for whatever reason my mindset (until now) was: "Criticism includes people who call me fucking hideous." Idk if anyone else struggles with appearance issues here. But I know how you feel. [editline]11th December 2015[/editline] >Basically people see you as maybe 30% more attractive than you think you are.[/QUOTE] Im past caring. Used to be just like you. However Im down to 180. No exercise, no diet. What matters most is finding people who do find you attractive.

:snip: nvm, silly rambling.

snip

-snip- i guess?

I bought a little bottle of 3mg melatonin tablets before I left work, how many tablets should I take before bed?

[QUOTE=kijji;49296131]I bought a little bottle of 3mg melatonin tablets before I left work, how many tablets should I take before bed?[/QUOTE] As many as you want, I'm used to taking three before bed.

Failed my first class ever today... :cry:

[QUOTE=T.F.W.O.;49297148]Failed my first class ever today... :cry:[/QUOTE] I think I may have too.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49281489]I spent two hours just playing various violin and orchestral libraries on my synth. The surprise though was I didn't play sad stuff, which I what I normally do. Played out various cinematic and uplifting sounding things. It's quite nice losing yourself in a hobby, it feels very serene [editline]9th December 2015[/editline] Share the pics maybe? I'm interested :D[/QUOTE] When I get a chance outside of work I will. They're not that great but it's hard to focus a lens in the dark. :V:

[QUOTE=kijji;49296131]I bought a little bottle of 3mg melatonin tablets before I left work, how many tablets should I take before bed?[/QUOTE] One. More than that dont have any higher effectivity as the brain metabolizes only a few micrograms of that 5mg dose

when i've take suggested dosage of melatonin it's made me super restless, with constantly waking up every hour/half-hour, but exhausted at the same time. I think it is on an individual basis. If I really want to sleep I just take some allergy medicine (Diphenhydramine), melatonin makes me worry about being restless.

The melatonin worked pretty well, I feel somewhat rested. I just want to go through my days feeling no tiredness whatsoever

Im feeling incredible amounts of anger for no reason. Help?

Why?

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49302528]Why?[/QUOTE] If I did know why, I'd deal with it.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;49278623]Moved in yesterday with 5 other people in a small cottage. Unfortunately we have to share rooms 2 and 2, but the chick I'm sharing with is alright, although she farts when she sleeps :v: tomorrow I turn 20, but too much work to really get anything going. The perfect day would be today cause I start at 6pm tomorrow but I don't think there will be enough time to go get alcohol. The dude who lived here before all of us since a year ago is a little hard to understand, I think he's from Iran, but he's super nice and chill. I went to bed yesterday at like 9 pm cause I was so tired, went up around 10 am today, it's 12 right now and I've got 4 hours until I gotta be at work so I took some time to do some cleaning and washing in the kitchen so hopefully that will be appreciated - if not, atleast I like it better this way! I've written down a bunch of stuff that I need to buy or bring from home, gonna take a walk to the store in an hour or so and see what they have there and also to get out and have a bit of a look around. Work hasn't [I]really[/I] started yet so maybe the stress of that will wear me down but honestly I feel great coming up here. It feels like I can be myself in an odd way, without everything in my past weighing me down, it's such a relief. This was probably the best thing I could do after spending 2 years living in moms apartment with no job, no money, nothing really but amazing friends.[/QUOTE] So work [I]really[/I] started yesterday. I worked a 12 hour shift. Today? Worked a 12 hour shift aswell. After never having had a job and 2 years of spending 90% of my time in my room either in bed or at the computer I was not ready for this. Still I really like the people I work with and I think I can get through this, but I was close to having a breakdown at work and I wanted to cry from exhaustion. Now I'm in bed, got home 15 mins ago and I am going to pass out. RIP, me also sort of not entirely voluntarily quitting tobacco at the same time probably isnt helping :v:

What is it when you can't cry? I really really need the release of it, but no matter how hard I focus I can't let it out, and every thing is bottling up, and it feels mentally unhealthy. [editline]13th December 2015[/editline] I really wish the feeling would stop

something is horribly wrong with my brain or maybe i'm just a dumbass

I hope we're just dumbasses

i hinge my self worth on how my interactions with people romantically go and although my brain knows what's right it's like having two minds at once or something and now i'm about to spend a night in my room alone hating myself, hating how i look, hating my brain, hating my insecurities i just feel like some fragile motherfucker

anyone else feel like they don't know who/what they are since i was a kid i've felt like two eyeballs in a head maybe it's a schizoid thing i don't know

i need more animals in my life

[QUOTE=Enola;49303606]What is it when you can't cry? I really really need the release of it, but no matter how hard I focus I can't let it out, and every thing is bottling up, and it feels mentally unhealthy. [editline]13th December 2015[/editline] I really wish the feeling would stop[/QUOTE] Watch an emotional movie. I always cry over stupid things in movies. I'm too empathetic.

My therapist said I have problems with being emotionally immature, so I'm trying to work on it, so far, one of my most common (and the problem I gotta deal with every single day) is purposely looking for everyone's approval. My question now is, how do you guys do it? Try to put yourselves in my feet. When I don't get approval, other people do and they do better than me and the second problem I encounter is being jealous. I just think "That could have been me". Many people tell me not to care about it but it's nearly impossible for me. My head is always thinking about what other people could think and when I try not to care about it my head just gets automatically wrapped up in me being miserable (then I get depressed and frustrated). It might sound like something easy for you. You would say "Don't give a fuck about what other people think", but for me that's a very, very difficult task, it's so hard, it has had negative effect on my daily life. I take nearly an entire hour trying to find what to wear, I'm paranoid of people taking my smartphone or computer, not because pornography or contacts but because they'll see my taste on stuff and think it's dumb/weird. [B]tl:dr[/B] My head just wants approval, that's all it wants, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. It goes to insane levels and makes me suffer, from morning to night, just because I couldn't get the approval of a bunch of strangers. Even if you told me not to give a fuck, it just wants approval regardless and will bother me constantly to the point where I get angry with everyone and depressed. I can say that a lot of things I do, sometimes good things, aren't actually me trying to help people, but just an attempt to get their approval and gain their respect. Whenever I seem to sacrifice some of my time for someone never assume it's for sympathy, it's very likely I'm just trying to gain their respect and approval, just so I can use those people later free of charge.

Do any of you guys not pursue something that's hard because it gives you a headache, eg don't learn programming for no other reason than it gives you a headache? it's the same for reading books, I get a headache so I don't do it, I assume this is normal, that's why people avoid difficult tasks. I just assumed everyone was trying to avoid a headaches and everyone who is really smart was good a tolerating a headache.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49306863]Do any of you guys not pursue something that's hard because it gives you a headache, eg don't learn programming for no other reason than it gives you a headache? it's the same for reading books, I get a headache so I don't do it, I assume this is normal, that's why people avoid difficult tasks. I just assumed everyone was trying to avoid a headaches and everyone who is really smart was good a tolerating a headache.[/QUOTE] You need a doctor. This sounds like a physical ailment. Maybe dyslexia. I like to read. I dont get headaches.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49306592]Try to put yourselves in my feet. When I don't get approval, other people do and they do better than me and the second problem I encounter is being jealous. I just think "That could have been me". Many people tell me not to care about it but it's nearly impossible for me. My head is always thinking about what other people could think and when I try not to care about it my head just gets automatically wrapped up in me being miserable (then I get depressed and frustrated).[/QUOTE] Aren't those "other people" your friends or classmates? You've gotta find better people. [editline]13th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=geogzm;49304330]i hinge my self worth on how my interactions with people romantically go and although my brain knows what's right it's like having two minds at once or something[/QUOTE] Yeah I also daydream about people and situations, talking with them in my head, it's kinda weird but almost everyone does that. But you need to recognize it's just your head, thus when interacting with people IRL you need to recognize what's real and what your mind has made up. Weigh it to reality. [QUOTE]and now i'm about to spend a night in my room alone hating myself, hating how i look, hating my brain, hating my insecurities i just feel like some fragile motherfucker[/QUOTE] Everything is fragile under several conditions. I know what you mean. As time goes you may strengthen yourself to avoid being fragile, but accept that it's part of your character, and it's fine. There's always high and low points, and as a sinusoid wave goes up and down, it will be periodic. Don't worry brother, you will feel better.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49306592]My therapist said I have problems with being emotionally immature, so I'm trying to work on it, so far, one of my most common (and the problem I gotta deal with every single day) is purposely looking for everyone's approval. My question now is, how do you guys do it? Try to put yourselves in my feet. When I don't get approval, other people do and they do better than me and the second problem I encounter is being jealous. I just think "That could have been me". Many people tell me not to care about it but it's nearly impossible for me. My head is always thinking about what other people could think and when I try not to care about it my head just gets automatically wrapped up in me being miserable (then I get depressed and frustrated). It might sound like something easy for you. You would say "Don't give a fuck about what other people think", but for me that's a very, very difficult task, it's so hard, it has had negative effect on my daily life. I take nearly an entire hour trying to find what to wear, I'm paranoid of people taking my smartphone or computer, not because pornography or contacts but because they'll see my taste on stuff and think it's dumb/weird. [B]tl:dr[/B] My head just wants approval, that's all it wants, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. It goes to insane levels and makes me suffer, from morning to night, just because I couldn't get the approval of a bunch of strangers. Even if you told me not to give a fuck, it just wants approval regardless and will bother me constantly to the point where I get angry with everyone and depressed. I can say that a lot of things I do, sometimes good things, aren't actually me trying to help people, but just an attempt to get their approval and gain their respect. Whenever I seem to sacrifice some of my time for someone never assume it's for sympathy, it's very likely I'm just trying to gain their respect and approval, just so I can use those people later free of charge.[/QUOTE] It's hard, I used to struggle with this in elementary/middle school. Focus on giving yourself approval, but try not to be narcissistic about it.

[QUOTE=Enola;49303606]What is it when you can't cry? I really really need the release of it, but no matter how hard I focus I can't let it out, and every thing is bottling up, and it feels mentally unhealthy. [editline]13th December 2015[/editline] I really wish the feeling would stop[/QUOTE] Just a bump, does anyone know what this is linked to