Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I feel that my friends are too easy to offend sometimes. even when I don't intend to insult or joke around with them I feel like they get offended at times. I also often feel that I'm not really that important to them. I don't expect to have their full attention at all times of course, it's just that I often feel that they never ask if I'm alright. I was exhausted yesterday, and so were others, and of course those who felt a little more up asked people how they were feeling. for some reason they never asked me. I feel that this often happens too, people rarely ask if I'm doing alright or if I'm enjoying myself and so on. or maybe they are and I just focus too much on the times where they don't, I'm not really sure. I keep coming back to feeling like a very boring person to be around. [editline]13th December 2015[/editline] oh god someone matched me on Tinder, this is a first. oh my god, I'm feeling anxious

[QUOTE=JohhnyCarson;49301876]Im feeling incredible amounts of anger for no reason. Help?[/QUOTE] I get this a lot; just being in the car thinking about things that will never happen with other people. Meditation can help a lot just to ease your mind and get into a state of being relaxed.

I'm 'stuck' in a seemingly never-ending cycle of doing practically the same things, over and over. some things in specific stress me out much more than they should. I've gone to my 'regular' doctor about my depression, which did not at all help me. I didn't really tell him much about exactly why I feel horrible, so the lack of results is largely on my side. since around the beginning of 2014, is when I've just sunken into doing nothing to make my future more positive, so that I can get a proper education subject, and learn more about what I want to work with, on a professional level. I realize that with just a bit of motivation (which I severely lack), I can get out of my depression, and make my future much better. I just don't know where to find just that. [editline]14th December 2015[/editline] I just wanted to get this off my chest, so I honestly don't care much about proper coherency.

currently having a panic attack but doing a pretty good job at not opening my worthless mouth

So i found out that I passed my GED a few days ago, and it was such a huge relief. After years of that tormenting me, I can finally say I passed high school in some degree. Fast forward to now, and I feel fucking miserable. I honestly thought that having some closer on all that stuff would make me feel way better, but now, it feels like I haven't even done anything at all. I'm back to square one. I just feel nothing again.

still have no idea what I really want in life. good friends? significant other? money? good job? life feels pretty meaningless when I don't have anything to use it on

-snip-

I feel way far behind the times, behind my friends I feel under-evolved I hate myself with every single part of me for being such a lazy fuck and disappointing everyone I've ever loved I'm a big dumb joke, a loser

[QUOTE=JohhnyCarson;49307598]You need a doctor. This sounds like a physical ailment. Maybe dyslexia. I like to read. I dont get headaches.[/QUOTE]Well fuck, I thought learning was difficult because of the headaches, but if no one else is getting them I might just see a doctor. I didn't know that was an issue, I thought it was normal to get a headache when you think harder, but more people are telling me it's not.

i feel so dumb and ugly when i cry

I feel so weak and pathetic when I cry or get emotional. My friend has said that I should always feel fine to talk to her and that she doesn't think bad about me at all but I feel so pathetic and that I make myself look awful.

[QUOTE=The Drones;49313980]I feel so weak and pathetic when I cry or get emotional. My friend has said that I should always feel fine to talk to her and that she doesn't think bad about me at all but I feel so pathetic and that I make myself look awful.[/QUOTE] People always tell me I can talk to them or whatever but I really can't. What's in my head should stay in my head and certainly shouldn't be heard by people I know. Tried school psychologist and health center psychiatric nurse as well. Nope.

I just woke up now, 2PM, in a puddle of sweat and I started to cry right away because I've lost the will go live again. I can't bring myself to get up, even after I've slept for like 15 hours straight. I wanna be loved by someone, I wanna leave this place, I want to make something people care about. I want to enjoy myself, and be an individual that can bring joy and meaning to others. Now, I can't even bring me a reason to keep on going...

[QUOTE=Zezibesh;49314005]People always tell me I can talk to them or whatever but I really can't. What's in my head should stay in my head and certainly shouldn't be heard by people I know. Tried school psychologist and health center psychiatric nurse as well. Nope.[/QUOTE] If it's not a problem to you and you're alright I guess it's okay. Normally to say thoughts aloud to someone else is part of healing process. I was afraid of talking because I was ashamed of my traumatic experiences. [editline]14th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Torjuz;49314049]I just woke up now, 2PM, in a puddle of sweat and I started to cry right away because I've lost the will go live again. I can't bring myself to get up, even after I've slept for like 15 hours straight. I wanna be loved by someone, I wanna leave this place, I want to make something people care about. I want to enjoy myself, and be an individual that can bring joy and meaning to others. Now, I can't even bring me a reason to keep on going...[/QUOTE] Pls, don't be so hard to yourself. It's okay to be tired or to feel life is meaningless. It takes time to feel good and found meaning of life again. [editline]14th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;49311267]still have no idea what I really want in life. good friends? significant other? money? good job? life feels pretty meaningless when I don't have anything to use it on[/QUOTE] What do you enjoy doing by yourself? :smile:

I had a guy who was a mutal friend of one of mine bother me because my voice apparently "sounds like a stereotypical teenage white girl" and my icon is a selfie, which it's apparently "narcissistic" to take selfies. Thankfully he isn't from facepunch, he's from newgrounds or some shit. The guy used words like "shallow" "dumb" "self centered" "insane" "crazy" because I told him "You don't know me, I was in a call with you ONCE (he was making fun of my voice and mocking me for no reason in this call) and you and you think it's okay to judge someone because they sound a certain way or look a certain way." he said "HAH! LMAO I DO KNOW YOU, EVERY DUMB WHORE I'VE FUCKED WHO'S SAID 'u dont kno me' IS SHALLOW AND EASY TO READ!" I told him to fuck off, he said "BRB I HAVE WORK I'LL DESTROY YOUR SOUL IN A FEW BYE BITCH" I blocked him, asked my friend what that was all about... I guess the real reason why this guy was mad at me was because he found out I was a lesbian and he struggles with not finding a girlfriend. (Probably because he's so quick to label girls and calls them whores.) My friend sent me a picture of the guy and he's this big fat sweaty 24 year old. I don't mean to judge appearance, but my take on it is: Don't poke at someone's appearance unless they do terrible things to you, then it's completely justified. Be respectful unless someone is disrespectful to you.

[QUOTE=Cha;49314191] What do you enjoy doing by yourself? :smile:[/QUOTE] I don't really know anymore. before I loved playing games all the time, but that has faded a lot. it's nearing a month since I even launched a game, and that was because Black Ops 3 and Fallout 4 had released. before that, I rarely launched games as well. I don't really have any interests I feel. all I really do every day is socialize. I wake up, messages pop in, and suddenly I'm out in town for the billionth day in a row. it's what I had always wanted when I didn't socialize and when I was isolated, but I realize that this isn't exactly what I want with my life. I need to fill it with more than just socializing. you can't really talk with others when you never experience anything new or have any hobbies, you quickly go dry of things to talk about. it's a really odd feeling. I remember when I was still together with my ex. she literally felt like an anchor. she was the person I felt safe on, she was the person I relied on, she was my life. I just felt really safe and grounded when I had her. after she disappeared, it has felt like I've been floating away. I don't think this'll happen again. sure, I'm probably going to get myself a girlfriend again, but I really don't think I'll ever feel as safe on someone ever again. don't really feel safe on anyone. the previous paragraph gets me thinking. I just need to get stable again. I need a structure. it's hard to follow my daily goals when my sleeping schedule for example is all over the place. right now it's 5am and I'm not sure if I'll be able to fall asleep any time soon anyway. no idea how I'll fix that, sleeping meds aren't working at all for me. [editline]15th December 2015[/editline] even though I'm with people everyday I still feel surprisingly lonely.

Does anyone else have never ending euphoria? No matter what I feel euphoria is on top of it, which the only time I don't notice it is anger. I also no longer feel fear at all, god damn my brain and it's weird ass shit. [editline]14th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;49319046]even though I'm with people everyday I still feel surprisingly lonely.[/QUOTE] Love yourself, I no longer have that feeling mind you I did turn into a narcissist. Or I already was and I denied it but whatevers it's all great now.

That fat asshole made a fucking video about me and used pictures of me he found on my private instagram, so one of my friends gave them the pictures. They aren't bad they're just unflattering pictures. And now this fat asshole has a whole following of maybe seven other assholes who talk shit about me. Meanwhile my parents are still treating me like shit and calling me lazy for not being able to get a job. They blame me. No it's not my fault. It's been six fucking months and I still cannot get a fucking job!!! Mcdonalds wont even take me!! I wasted half a year up here, not getting any profress made except for losing weight which has only helped with my self confidence slightly. It dosen't help that people are being assholes poking at my appearance either. [editline]15th December 2015[/editline] *progress [editline]15th December 2015[/editline] ... My family and landlords say I'm too thin and that real women have curves, and that no one will want me if I l'm muscular because apparently the lean, strong, athletic body I've always wanted and am nearly at is considered "gross and manly". People online have said I look steryotypical, dumb, and like a tranny she male because of my fucking defined jaw and nose. I can't win can I???

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49321340]That fat asshole made a fucking video about me and used pictures of me he found on my private instagram, so one of my friends gave them the pictures. They aren't bad they're just unflattering pictures. And now this fat asshole has a whole following of maybe seven other assholes who talk shit about me. Meanwhile my parents are still treating me like shit and calling me lazy for not being able to get a job. They blame me. No it's not my fault. It's been six fucking months and I still cannot get a fucking job!!! Mcdonalds wont even take me!! I wasted half a year up here, not getting any profress made except for losing weight which has only helped with my self confidence slightly. It dosen't help that people are being assholes poking at my appearance either. [editline]15th December 2015[/editline] *progress [editline]15th December 2015[/editline] ... My family and landlords say I'm too thin and that real women have curves, and that no one will want me if I l'm muscular because apparently the lean, strong, athletic body I've always wanted and am nearly at is considered "gross and manly". People online have said I look steryotypical, dumb, and like a tranny she male because of my fucking defined jaw and nose. I can't win can I???[/QUOTE] Fuck them, do what you want to do bruh. Like, for real. Get out of that shithole and do what you wanna do. Are there any conditions preventing you from getting a job? Like not having a high school diploma or something? Because I'd say top priority for you is getting that taken care of and moving away from that negativity.

I feel so stupid. I keep losing shit,forgetting shit or thinking i've already done it. I feel so foggy

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49321340] ... My family and landlords say I'm too thin and that real women have curves, and that no one will want me if I l'm muscular because apparently the lean, strong, athletic body I've always wanted and am nearly at is considered "gross and manly". People online have said I look steryotypical, dumb, and like a tranny she male because of my fucking defined jaw and nose. I can't win can I???[/QUOTE] People love to criticize others looks to make themselves feel good all the time. You either ignore them for being bitter cunts or learn to deflect their shit straight back to them. Internet's a horrible place etc. And it is true that women get more shit than men for the exact same things online. At this point it's just something you have to deal with. I hope that doesn't sound dickish or defeatist. It's more relating to what I said earlier about either ignoring it or learning to fling it back their way. Man I structure sentences weird in retrospect. :hammered: [editline]16th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=diobono;49321517]I feel so stupid. I keep losing shit,forgetting shit or thinking i've already done it. I feel so foggy[/QUOTE] I take a crapton of supplements to help with just that problem and I still end up forgetting simple things and acting like an idiot. It probably won't help much but add some fish oil to your diet. It's supposed to be good for your brain and help with ADD and memory, though to be honest it hasn't helped me that much with either. Or rather, I've been taking it for so long (7 years) that I can't remember what I was like WITHOUT taking it. :v: [editline]16th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=DELL;49319573]Does anyone else have never ending euphoria? No matter what I feel euphoria is on top of it, which the only time I don't notice it is anger. I also no longer feel fear at all, god damn my brain and it's weird ass shit.[/QUOTE] I used to, but after the encephalitis it's the complete opposite now. Which really sucks. Even though I was incredibly self-destructive before, at least I got things done, was motivated, creative and enjoyed myself. Now it's all just a horrible depressing blur with the odd "maybe things will be okay!" day.

I don't understand how people deal with loneliness, fuck if I go like only an hour without talking to anyone I start to get all depressed and shit. Doesn't help that the friend I normally talk to seems to keep on stopping talking to me for a few days over minor af things.

Comfort zone is a tough bitch to combat, or, I don't know. I always have this irrational fear of people which makes me avoid places. I was at the city looking for a cafe or something where I can sit down and work on my laptop, but all I did was traveling around nonstop. I would feel ashamed of myself for sitting alone or I don't know. I know all the people out there don't give a fuck, but I seem to think they do. I spent hours doing nothing. I fear people would look at my laptop and laugh at me. Now there's a chance that I won't have a roof above me. I still don't have a job and I fucked up the first semester at uni, despite I know I have to do stuff. I couldn't get myself to sit down and study, then kept giving up everything all while having love issues. The fuck is wrong with me. Friends think I am a genius and they will be living under bridge after a few years. Look how wrong they are. Being a genius doesn't matter at all if I can't bring myself to do anything. I want to die, society won't keep bumbling idiots like me alive. I am worthless even with all the computer related knowledge tech-illiterate people would pay for. Being proficient with google can replace me anytime anywhere, and programming can be learnt in days, all it takes is practice (like everything else). A friend said (when my classmate (who I sat next to every single day) hung himself) that doing suicide would be selfish and leave people devastated, but I dunno, I don't seem to be liked or loved, even tho that girl who I still have a crush on said she really really likes me as a friend. I contradict myself every second, because reality sometimes doesn't match with my thougths. I want to give up. Every day I think of something I would like to do, like writing something, printing a book for myself, programming, composing music, making games, editing videos, creating art, traveling, doing a public presentation, finishing mech engineering degree, having some love, cooking, carpentry stuff, moving out to that city where I spend most of my time etc, but then I realise how everything takes a shitton of time. I want to become everything, and as every want clashes with eachother, I become nothing. I cannot accept that I can only become proficient at one trade/skill and have nothing else in my life. And the list above keeps growing, because it's fun to know everything. And I am still a lazy shit, dreaming all day, wasting time, not having my butt kicked or something so I really start searching for a job. What would motivate me. What could flip the change switch in me. Why do I keep wondering if I have the answers. Then why the fuck I don't do anything. I am dead. [editline]15th December 2015[/editline] What worries me is that with all this shit text I wrote above, it all doesn't matter. Everything gets better over time and probably I am just a wussy. As an introvert I always inspect my thoughts and I get forward slowly each day, but then there's times when things seem to be shittier than ever. On the surface, I am as calm as any stoic or buddhist, but under my thick skin I hold storms. I change my mood instantly whenever there's a need for that, for example when a friend feels shit. I help my friends when I deeply know their feelings are bullshit, even at parties while intoxicated. I have saved lifes and wellbeing with that. But who's out there when I need help?

So, I actually got approved by both apprenticeships as a support worker, so hopefully come the new year, I will finally be earning a wage and learning a new set of skills in Health and Social Care. (Yes, it's been a while since I posted here, but I wanted to say something original than "It's been a while since I posted here" as the first thing :v:) That said, Christmas is already nearing, and it's already dragging up bad memories of my previous partner and how pretty lonely it has been across this entire year. I know technically I have my family living in the same house, but I've not really spoken to them about things, and still don't. I would have given anything to be with the people I was in good company with, but I seem to have been thrown to the side and forgotten about. I'm also lurking on Grindr, but I'm just noticing I'm keeping to myself and not bothering to respond to anyone/everyone or even initiate conversation. I wouldn't be surprised if it is because I'm thinking about all the people I've "lost" this year and its screwing with me.

[QUOTE=draugur;49321423]Fuck them, do what you want to do bruh. Like, for real. Get out of that shithole and do what you wanna do. Are there any conditions preventing you from getting a job? Like not having a high school diploma or something? Because I'd say top priority for you is getting that taken care of and moving away from that negativity.[/QUOTE] I have a highschool diploma, the only problem is no one is hiring around here. I've been sending applications and not getting any calls back, that's it. [editline]15th December 2015[/editline] And today especially I had to hide in my room because my family snapped at me and started getting violent. They bitch at me for being "lazy" and "not contributing to the house" when I can't. WHEN NO ONE WILL HIRE ME! They want me out but they hinder and thwart any progress I make towards moving out. They don't support me. I just applied to a shit ton more jobs, that aren't walking distance because I need a god damn job. If I get one my parents wouldn't drive me to it. I can't put down a payment for a car because I don't have money. I'm stuck in a fucking circle. Step dad and mother are separating and blaming me for it, they verbally screamed at me saying that I am the reason they are splitting up, because "I don't do shit to help and I'm 18 and all I do is disrespect them." I don't disrespect them, they talk down to me all the time and whenever I try to speak up they lash out on me. [editline]15th December 2015[/editline] I just explained to them why I'm moving out and why it would be benificial for all of us if I were to just move the fuck out. They can't stand me and I can't stand them.

I think I'm gonna kill myself by the end of the year. I'm tired of this pain, this delusion and the loneliness that's getting heavier and heavier as the days go by. I want to say my goodbyes to my family and friends, though. That's the least I could do. I feel selfish for reaching such a conclusion, but maybe this way I'll finally be at peace with myself and the world

I spend all my time fantasizing and daydreaming about killing myself now. I don't see myself living much longer, things won't get better and I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

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[QUOTE=Turnips5;49323402]think I might be transgender. or I've deluded myself again, I have extensive experience in doing that why couldn't I have thought about this when I wasn't 22 and beginning to lose my hair. why do I have to be 6'3''. everything feels like a sick joke lmao kill me[/QUOTE] the friendly folks over [URL="https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1485279"]here[/URL] will definitely be able to help you through this. or if you'd like you could add me on steam if you wanna talk.

Everytime I see no hopes in my future, I rarely start to think how it would turn out if I suicide. I know that suicide is not the solution and makes things worse, but these thoughts just come into my mind when I just see sharp things on a terrible mood. My mind just sometimes jump to "You're retarded for this world" and then I start to think like this. This is no way of a suicidal threat, what I mean to say is, I get weird fantasies on how everything will turn out if I suicide, once I feel really shitty. Does anyone else experience this?