Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Sorry for the incoming venting, but I feel it's the only way to clear up my mind, and I don't want to do it on my friends or or any other close person, even though I know they want to help me. Yesterday I got beaten up by a bunch of assholes, the same group that also assaulted me back in august or so. After threatening me on the way to my home, my mother heard the hassle from inside the house and got outside. She started telling them to stop harrassing me and then she decided to go outside and record them so we can have more proof for the 2nd police complaint we were gonna sue. They immediately covered up their faces put their hoodies up and decided to run after me. While running I managed to mess up my knee, probably dislocating it and then 4 or 5 guys went in turns to beat me for a few seconds each, while my mother and a neighbour that was helping us were watching horrified. The hits themselves barely hurt, no idea if it was due to the fact that I had plenty of clothes on my or something else, and the only pain I have at the moment is my left leg, which I can't extend or contract without a really nasty pain. I think I managed to put my knee back together purely by luck, after the offenders left me alone and I tried to stand up, sorta snapping it back together. Went to emergency a few minutes afterwards but they said I didn't have anything too bad going on, which i'm honestly not so sure but whatever. I am just fucking terrified to even go outside now because that particular group really has it in for me, even though I always mind my own business and I try to avoid them at all costs. The fact that this week (plus on monday) I have 2 very important math exams that If I fail i'm pretty much screwed doesn't really help me. I try to ignore the whole ''i got beaten up while my mother watched crying'' thing until I do the two exams, because I don't want to get stressed too much, even though it's obvious i'm still shocked as hell by everything that has happened, but it's hard when friends and other known ones keep asking me what happened. I just feel like telling them to stop talking about this whole thing but I know they care for me, it's just that I don't want to think about it now I feel like the more I try to mind my own business and try to focus on my life, the more bad things happen to me. I know that I have friends and close ones that are helping me all the time but it's just so hard to do anything right now. Between being terrorized by these fucking retards and the fact that my whole academic ''career'' might get completely turned upside down, I wish I could just be gone from the world for some time, so I can reflect on everything in peace. Maybe not death, but just being on my own, without anyone else to interrupt my train of thought on how I got up to this point in my life where I just don't care about anything anymore. I stopped giving a shit about getting a girlfriend some time ago, when I realized that there are more important things in life (atleast for me) and that I will try my luck at this girl I really like and have known for quite some time, when I will be less inclined to fuck it up because of stress and the like. But at the same time I realize that i've grown more cold and detached from pretty much anything in my life. I've grown obsessed with little details (not failing math for example) that I forgot how to enjoy things that once made me happy. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[QUOTE=SpaceDiggle;49331319]Sorry for the incoming venting, but I feel it's the only way to clear up my mind, and I don't want to do it on my friends or or any other close person, even though I know they want to help me. Yesterday I got beaten up by a bunch of assholes, the same group that also assaulted me back in august or so. After threatening me on the way to my home, my mother heard the hassle from inside the house and got outside. She started telling them to stop harrassing me and then she decided to go outside and record them so we can have more proof for the 2nd police complaint we were gonna sue. They immediately covered up their faces put their hoodies up and decided to run after me. While running I managed to mess up my knee, probably dislocating it and then 4 or 5 guys went in turns to beat me for a few seconds each, while my mother and a neighbour that was helping us were watching horrified. The hits themselves barely hurt, no idea if it was due to the fact that I had plenty of clothes on my or something else, and the only pain I have at the moment is my left leg, which I can't extend or contract without a really nasty pain. I think I managed to put my knee back together purely by luck, after the offenders left me alone and I tried to stand up, sorta snapping it back together. Went to emergency a few minutes afterwards but they said I didn't have anything too bad going on, which i'm honestly not so sure but whatever. I am just fucking terrified to even go outside now because that particular group really has it in for me, even though I always mind my own business and I try to avoid them at all costs. The fact that this week (plus on monday) I have 2 very important math exams that If I fail i'm pretty much screwed doesn't really help me. I try to ignore the whole ''i got beaten up while my mother watched crying'' thing until I do the two exams, because I don't want to get stressed too much, even though it's obvious i'm still shocked as hell by everything that has happened, but it's hard when friends and other known ones keep asking me what happened. I just feel like telling them to stop talking about this whole thing but I know they care for me, it's just that I don't want to think about it now I feel like the more I try to mind my own business and try to focus on my life, the more bad things happen to me. I know that I have friends and close ones that are helping me all the time but it's just so hard to do anything right now. Between being terrorized by these fucking retards and the fact that my whole academic ''career'' might get completely turned upside down, I wish I could just be gone from the world for some time, so I can reflect on everything in peace. Maybe not death, but just being on my own, without anyone else to interrupt my train of thought on how I got up to this point in my life where I just don't care about anything anymore. I stopped giving a shit about getting a girlfriend some time ago, when I realized that there are more important things in life (atleast for me) and that I will try my luck at this girl I really like and have known for quite some time, when I will be less inclined to fuck it up because of stress and the like. But at the same time I realize that i've grown more cold and detached from pretty much anything in my life. I've grown obsessed with little details (not failing math for example) that I forgot how to enjoy things that once made me happy. I just don't know what to do anymore.[/QUOTE] As someone who's been beaten up before: gather all the proof you can, I had absolutely no proof other than the dislocation of my jaw and the bruises. Nothing is worse than having people not believe you when you're telling the truth.

tfw your friends don't invite you to go see Star Wars and go without you

wouldnt mind going to see star wars but don't have any irl friends anymore and i don't want to go alone. [editline]17th December 2015[/editline] Have you guys ever had a best friend that suddenly turns into what seems like a completely different person?

[QUOTE=Tacooo;49331856]tfw your friends don't invite you to go see Star Wars and go without you[/QUOTE] Ask if you can come along, people are useless at thinking about others.

Nah, it just confirms my fear that they don't really consider me a friend any more. It's my fault for not really talking to them at all over the last few months but I've been feeling super asocial since my mum died but being invited out to see a good film or get food some time would be nice. They all have work and uni friends now and I doubt they want to hang with a downer like me anyway, I feel super lonely right now lol.

[QUOTE=Tacooo;49332212]Nah, it just confirms my fear that they don't really consider me a friend any more. It's my fault for not really talking to them at all over the last few months but I've been feeling super asocial since my mum died but being invited out to see a good film or get food some time would be nice. They all have work and uni friends now and I doubt they want to hang with a downer like me anyway, I feel super lonely right now lol.[/QUOTE] Reach out to them maybe? Unless they've openly bashed you or spoken poorly of you it's likely they either forgot, or feel you didn't like being around them (and is why you seemingly retreated, from their view). I talked to friends who hadn't invited me to much around d Halloween, got invited to their party, go made fun of by other guests, then heard friends saying "this is why we stopped inviting paindoc". That was enough for me to know it was time to move on, lol. Otherwise just give it a shot

I honestly don't feel that my friends are really there for me. as soon as I bring up anything negative or things that I find tough, I rarely get much advice or help, or even someone to just vent to. I don't expect solid advice, I just want them to listen sometimes and tell me that they're there for me, you know? yesterday I got a lot of help from a friend of mine I feel, but today she's acting all odd about it. I slept at her place last night, forgot phone charger, went home somewhat late today to charge phone, then I went back out to meet her again. I was feeling a little upset and my mother called, so I went into her bedroom for some privacy to talk. I wasn't really feeling like coming out since I wasn't feeling very comfortable (we were 4 people in total and I don't really like the two other guys who were there that much) so I stayed for a while. they didn't care at all which I probably shouldn't expect either, I was just sitting in another room. would be nice if someone just asked if things were okay though since this is very abnormal behavior from my side. I went back out eventually, sat there for ages, and then I called another friend of mine to talk about my problems since she asked about them in chat. I went back to the bedroom, and I ended up sitting there again. now I was feeling upset legit since I had talked problems again and actually done something with the problem which was far from an ideal solution, but the only solution, so I decided to send a sticker on Facebook with a cat shivering and crying to the girl I was with. I really wanted to talk and get some attention, vent a little, know that I had someone backing me, but she just said "be a little social dude". I sent another crying sticker of a pink bear and a white bear, and she replied with "...". I had hoped she would be there for me and actually make sure I was okay since I very rarely open up to talk issues to begin with, there's no way I've over done it. if I had, I would understand it more, but this must be like the second time ever where I was feeling distressed and wanted to talk. meanwhile I'm always there when she's feeling down, and that happens very often. earlier that night as well before I disappeared to begin with, I had actually asked her if she could come over to read the chat with the person I was having problems with. I had hoped she would help, but no, she "felt too comfortable where she was sitting and didn't want to stand up". eventually I figured I'd leave since no one was talking and I was feeling upset, so I announced this and told her I'd take the next train home. "whatever man, that's up to you". really? it's no surprise that I felt really unwanted if you ask me. when I got home, she fired off a message at one point asking "why were you such a downer". maybe it was with good intent, she was wondering why, but the way she worded it sounded really aggressive. I didn't want to open up anymore, so I just said "honestly, no idea" which she replied "..." to, yet again. you'd think friends would be a little more supportive. in general too, I don't feel like these people ever really are there for me. sure, I enjoy their company, but as soon as I talk problems, I'm borderline ignored, sometimes I even feel they get annoyed when I talk problems even though I've only mentioned problems like twice the past 2 months? it's no wonder I don't open up to people when I don't get help when I do

Ugh. Replying to birthday wishes that tell you to have an excellent day, but in reality I spent my birthday depressed.

I'm way too impulsive and I have a hard time controlling it. Sometimes I just want to go and hurt random people but then I calm down and feel awful because I can't believe I'm fucked up to the point where all I want is to cause damage to people who have never done anything to me. My therapist told me strictly to stay away from guns, guess is for good reason. Whenever I go to school and job I just want to get things done and be successful. I just want people to stop avoiding me, I want my friends to stop seeing me as unstable or crazy, I want to stop being mute all time because I'm too scared of saying stupid things. I like helping people and my friends, but, I don't want to live my entire life doing favors for them. Yeah, my friends think I'm very useful and call me whenever they need help with something, but that's as far as things will go, I barely have close friends, possibly none since I'm alone most of the times. I hate being a materialistic person, but having stuff seems like one of the only things that make me happy. It's hard as fuck considering I used to have everything, then my family a lot of stuff and it's insanely hard for me to get used to not get a lot of stuff anymore. I hate going to the mall ever since it just feels shitty seeing clothing and lots of stuff I will never be able to buy instantly until I get a proper job and that will take a while. I'm careful with my money though. I might be a total mute and crazy, but at the least I will have stuff. I still appreciate talking with my friends, maintaining a normal conversation makes me feel a lot more understood and down to earth.

I tend to find most of my anxiety comes from uncertainty about social situations and worrying that what I say will be out of context or confusing to people. One that really annoys me is not knowing something, for example I tend to have a disconnect when it comes to the context of some situations. It's not knowing what other people know that infuriates me.

I really don't know what to do anymore about my fear of death. I cannot enjoy anything in life anymore, and I'm constantly depressed. Nothing makes me happy. I just got a lot of money from my grandma and I don't give a shit. I just got really good grades and I don't give a fuck. Life feels like a living nightmare in which everything is okay. I'm abusing drugs just so that I can escape from reality. I'm growing distant from almost everyone I know. I've pretty much stopped wanting to socialize whatsoever. I can't fall asleep at night because of how scared I am of death. I just can't deal with it anymore. Does anyone have ANY suggestions, ANY help?

[QUOTE=PredGD;49332294]stuff[/QUOTE] You should try opening up to them. Maybe they won't care, but maybe they will. The reason why you might be getting borderline ignored is because by not opening up, in their eyes it might just seem like you're craving attention. I mean, if they didn't care they wouldn't have bothered asking you why you are such a downer. To me that message seems like she was trying to reach out to you but you shut her down. [editline]17th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Yozora_Mikazu;49334886]I really don't know what to do anymore about my fear of death. I cannot enjoy anything in life anymore, and I'm constantly depressed. Nothing makes me happy. I just got a lot of money from my grandma and I don't give a shit. I just got really good grades and I don't give a fuck. Life feels like a living nightmare in which everything is okay. I'm abusing drugs just so that I can escape from reality. I'm growing distant from almost everyone I know. I've pretty much stopped wanting to socialize whatsoever. I can't fall asleep at night because of how scared I am of death. I just can't deal with it anymore. Does anyone have ANY suggestions, ANY help?[/QUOTE] It honestly sounds like your fear of death is driving you away from life. Death isn't something you should fear. It is a sad thing, but it is inevitable that we will all die. This is why it's important to focus on the things in your life that you can control, rather than dwelling on the things you can't. If you can, you should really get therapy (your fear is irrational and most likely caused by depression or anxiety) and try and try to stop abusing drugs. Try and change your thinking pattern as well. It sounds like you are a very negative thinker. Try to think positive, lie to yourself, tell yourself that you are happy. If someone asks you how you are feeling, tell them that you are feeling great. Try and be proactive. Go outside and exercise regularly to stay healthy. Because honestly, all the things you are doing are ruining your life which you of all people should know is not going to last forever. Most importantly, you must believe that you can overcome this fear if you want to overcome it.

[QUOTE=Tacooo;49331856]tfw your friends don't invite you to go see Star Wars and go without you[/QUOTE] One of my co-workers was interested in going with me, but then I had to take time off work because my dad died and it kinda fell through, so I suppose he went by himself. It's alright, I'll end up going with my girlfriend or something after christmas. Been lucky to avoid all the spoilers so far. [editline]18th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Yozora_Mikazu;49334886]I really don't know what to do anymore about my fear of death. I cannot enjoy anything in life anymore, and I'm constantly depressed. Nothing makes me happy. I just got a lot of money from my grandma and I don't give a shit. I just got really good grades and I don't give a fuck. Life feels like a living nightmare in which everything is okay. I'm abusing drugs just so that I can escape from reality. I'm growing distant from almost everyone I know. I've pretty much stopped wanting to socialize whatsoever. I can't fall asleep at night because of how scared I am of death. I just can't deal with it anymore. Does anyone have ANY suggestions, ANY help?[/QUOTE] It's not fun to deal with the concept of death and dying. It hit me hard after my encephalitis and health issues hit me like a wall. Believing in something, heck ANYTHING can help mitigate some of the worry, though many people will tell you you're stupid or naive or whatever for doing so. Finding a purpose in your life, one single goal to help give your life meaning so you don't fear death as much, having achieved what you set out to do, can also help a lot. I wouldn't say I'm a nihilist/pessimist/etc, but I do find life quite meaningless. But giving myself one grand goal, one objective in life is the only thing keeping me going at the moment. Knowing I have to get it done before I die. Keeps me from offing myself as well, though depression still fucks me up occasionally and demotivate's me. I don't know. I want to give something back before I die. If I can make even one person happy with what I want to do, then I can die happy.

I have a phobia for dark areas and darkness in general and I can't seem to get over it.

She just wants to be friends. My heart is broken and I'd rather be dead [editline]17th December 2015[/editline] She told me she had a dream we were dating. I thought she'd be the one to finally fix me

Just have today and tomorrow to get through and I can finally crash off this work/school high that I've been keeping myself going on. School is out for the semester and work doesn't resume until the week of the fourth so I have all that time to recharge. I can feel myself breaking down though. I just gotta get through it.

I'm really starting to get worried about my physical health. Whenever I... [I]do[/I] anything, even cleaning my room or whatever, I start overheating and getting nauseous, and I have to sit down with some water and try to cool down. :wavey:

[QUOTE=Enola;49337366]She just wants to be friends. My heart is broken and I'd rather be dead [editline]17th December 2015[/editline] She told me she had a dream we were dating. I thought she'd be the one to finally fix me[/QUOTE] I would try to fix myself rather than expect someone to fix me, but don't take me too seriously, I have never been in a relationship before. [editline]17th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=fear me;49338622]I'm really starting to get worried about my physical health. Whenever I... [I]do[/I] anything, even cleaning my room or whatever, I start overheating and getting nauseous, and I have to sit down with some water and try to cool down. :wavey:[/QUOTE] Sometimes I feel like this too. Out of breath, tired, nauses, sweating over minimum effort. The feeling goes away after a while though. Does it always happen to you? If so, you should probably see a doctor.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49338813]Sometimes I feel like this too. Out of breath, tired, nauses, sweating over minimum effort. The feeling goes away after a while though. Does it always happen to you? If so, you should probably see a doctor.[/QUOTE] Pretty much. There could be any number of different things wrong with me; I haven't had a proper examination by a doctor in ages. Hopefully I'll get a chance for that soon.

My self esteem has been dangerously low lately, I've just been feeling like a nuisance to everyone I interact with nowadays.

For those worried about physical or mental health and are attending college, in the US, a lot of college campuses have you pay for mental health facilities or medical facilities through your tuition. I'd definitely look into that if you're looking for simple things like therapy or a physical or anything like that.

[QUOTE=Pascall;49341093]For those worried about physical or mental health and are attending college, in the US, a lot of college campuses have you pay for mental health facilities or medical facilities through your tuition. I'd definitely look into that if you're looking for simple things like therapy or a physical or anything like that.[/QUOTE] Yes! Although be wary that it may be a short term model. When you do seek help, be sure to discuss outside resources. Your councilor should be able to point you in the right direction.

I don't believe I've posted in here before... I'm tired of wasting the time of my friends', family's, etc. with my problems. I'm tired of hearing the same old "just get over it" spiel. I need to let some things out that have been bothering me for awhile... Two years ago, around this time, I attempted suicide. My girlfriend had left me for someone else, my job had laid me off, and I already had a history with depression looming over me. It was an odd feeling for me... all of the other times I'd been down, nervous, angry... were just gone. I couldn't cry. I couldn't punch the wall. I just sat and stared, felt as empty as I could be. I was 24 years old and going nowhere. I had no quarrels with taking my own life, I wanted to be gone. I was absolutely sure that my family and friends would have a burden lifted from their shoulders. "They'll forget about me in a few months... just like anyone else that dies," were my exact thoughts. That thought constantly repeated. Last year, everything seemed to start looking up. I got a decent job as an assistant manager at a retail store, and didn't have anxiety attacks every single day... I'd still have them, but they would only occur maybe once a month. Time was passing faster and everything seemed like it would be fine. That was around the time I started to come back to Facepunch and attempt to integrate back into the community. I ended up back with my old flame, too... I'll speak a little bit about that. She and I have a history. A simultaneously good and bad one. We've lied to each other and we've shared our best moments together. That year apart was what we needed. A few times (from now to back when we got back together, last spring), we've split up for a couple weeks. We found out that she has a personality disorder, as well as depression. We're both depressed, anxious, and we need each other and we know it. When we're apart, we can't help but constantly feel that pulling that brings us back to one another... I know, "plenty of fish in the sea" and all that, but please believe me when I say that both of us know we want to be together. We're just both sorta sick in the head in ways that we can't fix [I]for[/I] each other. Anyway... I guess I'm sort of rambling. I don't exactly know why. I just know that I can't be bothering all of my usual friends that try to help me. I know they think they're doing their best and I hate having to tell them that after they think they've calmed me down, I'll still have that gun to my head. I've bled enough to lose consciousness, I've been out for absolutely too long from overdosing on anything I can find, I've actually held that pistol to my head and felt the sweat between my finger and the trigger. The thing I'm trying to say is... I want to feel that sweat again. Last Christmas season, I felt down... not as bad, mind you, but I felt down... this Christmas season... I feel like I'm a useless waste of space again. I'm not sure if it's worse than before... I just know I feel happy when I think of disappearing. I mean... at least I know that's wrong, right? I don't know... if anyone actually takes the time to read this. I wouldn't mind someone to kind of talk to or whatever. Yes, I've called a hotline before. I won't do it again. I spent so much of my life watching people's habits, studying how and why people act the way they do... that's why the first time I called, I knew the person was just attempting to get an average score on a test, say what I wanted to hear from someone, pretend to help... The second time, the person asked if I'd promise not to do anything because they had an urgent case on the other line... I told them I wouldn't. That was when I ended up in the ER two years ago. It's the funny thing about depression though, isn't it? You can be the best listener, the best support for a friend, always willing to help... but when it comes to yourself, it's like staring into a mirror made up entirely of jigsaw pieces, forced together all wrong...

I really almost regret taking a gap year and probably not bothering with college. I can't afford college and I lack the money, how much do you guys think it would cost to do two years of a vocational trade college? I have decided I want to become an auto mechanic. Don't question it. A lot of people say "well you wont like that lifestyle..." No believe me I went to a vocational highschool and I did a month of auto repair and I love it. I loved the atmosphere, I loved the smells, I liked working with cars.

[QUOTE=Da_Maniac_;49331992]wouldnt mind going to see star wars but don't have any irl friends anymore and i don't want to go alone. [editline]17th December 2015[/editline] Have you guys ever had a best friend that suddenly turns into what seems like a completely different person?[/QUOTE] No, I haven't. What happened?

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49344043]I really almost regret taking a gap year and probably not bothering with college. I can't afford college and I lack the money, how much do you guys think it would cost to do two years of a vocational trade college? I have decided I want to become an auto mechanic. Don't question it. A lot of people say "well you wont like that lifestyle..." No believe me I went to a vocational highschool and I did a month of auto repair and I love it. I loved the atmosphere, I loved the smells, I liked working with cars.[/QUOTE] Do it. It's a million times more satisfying than becoming an engineer and never getting your hands dirtier than smudging some ink

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49344043]I really almost regret taking a gap year and probably not bothering with college. I can't afford college and I lack the money, how much do you guys think it would cost to do two years of a vocational trade college? I have decided I want to become an auto mechanic. Don't question it. A lot of people say "well you wont like that lifestyle..." No believe me I went to a vocational highschool and I did a month of auto repair and I love it. I loved the atmosphere, I loved the smells, I liked working with cars.[/QUOTE] I really can't speak prices since I don't live in the US. Do you by any contacts, friends or family who work fixing cars? If so, you could ask them and begin working with them, you could get paid and gain some experience too and it would help with paying for college, well, that's kinda like what I'm doing right now. I'm doing an engineering in electronics and automation, it doesn't have much relation to cars, but in college there are classes and stuff I can take so I can take a better approach, it costs money so I work part time with a contact selling parts for cars and such. I get paid and I get to know more about what I like, then college is there too.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49344669]I really can't speak prices since I don't live in the US. Do you by any contacts, friends or family who work fixing cars? If so, you could ask them and begin working with them, you could get paid and gain some experience too and it would help with paying for college, well, that's kinda like what I'm doing right now. I'm doing an engineering in electronics and automation, it doesn't have much relation to cars, but in college there are classes and stuff I can take so I can take a better approach, it costs money so I work part time with a contact selling parts for cars and such. I get paid and I get to know more about what I like, then college is there too.[/QUOTE] I have no relatives that work with cars. I did some research, it could cost anywhere between$1,000-$3,000 for a year, and if I want to do a full two years it's gonna be maybe $6,000 maximum, even then it's not garunteed id get a job. Actually with the right social skills and the fact that I'm a female, my chances of getting hired somewhere are good.

Since my girlfriend and I have broken up, I've lost all motivation to do anything. I've had several people comment on my appearance taking a deathly pallor, too. At least I look how I feel, I guess.