Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=elevate;49385347]Did you not read my post... Sure you have it hard but not as hard as you think. You're probably more likely to get struck by lightning than get a date by the way you make things out to be.[/QUOTE] I'm just being straight honest but it really is that way for them.

I did do the math wrong. I think. If it increases my chances a bit, it's still not a lot. It is pretty depressing. I mean it's something I will learn to get over in time, and for the most part I can push down the sadness. Tbh it really is hurting that I can't be open about my sexuality even up here in a liberal state. I want to be, but there's quite a lot of people who aren't open minded up here. Wouldn't make a difference if I lived here or down with my friends who accept me. Don't want to sound like an sjw but it IS much harder for lgbtq people to find love than straight people. We are a minority.

also realize that being surrounded by people you'd love to have a deeper connection with but feeling unable to do so isn't very nice and, for me at least, causes a lot of self-hate and constant panic when around others, it's like a whole section of your brain and, by extension, your life is just walled off. at a certain point it doesn't matter how many people like you, you can't do shit with it anyway

[B][This is probably gonna end up a rant but oh well][/B] I've been struggling recently. I've always been rather anxious and nervous around people, especially at work and the holidays, but it's gotten far worse than the last couple of holidays. I've gotten to the point where I've snapped many, many times and have driven away several friends, and scared the rest. The voices are back as well, most notably one called Zzggy. He views the majority of humans as monsters and keeps egging me on to teach them a lesson, and hopes they all die horrible deaths 'like they deserve'. He insults others, mostly because he knows they won't hear it, and to reaffirm to me how horrible they are and how they all wanna screw me over. I know he isn't real, but a long time ago in high school and before that, he was one of the only things there to talk to me, even if he was incredibly toxic. He never really was hateful towards me, though berates me occasionally for not hurting or killing people for wronging me. I don't give into his antics, except a few days ago when I did lash out verbally towards a coworker when he suggested it. And it scares me, because it was at a time I was in a lot of pain, exhausted, and stuck in chaos. He's not human, or even humanoid. Just this black smoky snake dragon that hangs around my shoulders, sometimes he has third eye, sometimes not. Someone explained to me that he's an entity I may of accidentally created during a stressful time early in my life and has just stuck around. I haven't been to the doctor recently due to not trusting him as I got blindsided by my medical insurance provider with hundreds of dollars of bills which nearly bankrupted me and added to the stress. Was never told I'd be paying out the eyeballs for blood tests only that 'my health insurance provider would take care of it'. I tend to only lurk on facepunch because whenever I post, others tend to smash my posts to dust and I'm left in shock...and promptly discard my opinions and go back to lurking. It's sort of a running story of my life. I speak up, get berated for how stupid my opinions are with no one to back me up and lack any way to back them up myself, throw my opinions in the garbage and just assimilate someone else's since they could back it up. I rarely have my own opinions beyond incredibly simple ones. I've become isolated and terrified of everything and everyone. Without support, it's difficult for me to go anywhere for very long. Without a pillar to lean on I shrink away in fear. I don't normally talk about it but it's a reason a master is appealing to me. I do have one, but he's a few states away and I'm a few years away from having no more commitments to tend to. Yes, I'm aware how dangerous it is to meet someone over the internet, but at this point I don't value my life much anymore and ANYTHING is better than being alone and miserable. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm not suicidal, and I couldn't even bring myself to it anyways. But, I don't really feel like I'm of any value to protect. I think my only regret if I would to suddenly die right now is leaving people behind that care.

[QUOTE=Fort83;49385975]The point in which I was happiest was summer 2013. I worked at a camp for people with disabilities from end of may-end of august. I had the best times with fellow staff, campers and made fond memories. Started dating a girl that at the time I adored who also worked at the camp, and felt close to all the staff there and felt like family. Drinking with them around a camp fire, having a blast day in and day out. Creating memories together. I met up with one of my roommates from that summer tonight, and we talked about that summer and I just felt sad because that summer is long over and I'll never experience such a happy time like that again. And it kills me inside that I can't go back there to relive it all again.[/QUOTE] You've experienced it once, surely you are able to have another sweet experience like that.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49385325]I don't mean to have a "there are starving children in africa so stfu" attitude, yea ok you're allowed to feel bad. But seriously your odds of finding someone really are much greater than mine. Does that not help you feel better at all?[/QUOTE] Doesn't make me feel less lonely. If anything It makes me sadder knowing other people are suffering from the loneliness too.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49385086]There are currently [B]322,583,006[/B] USA citizens. [B]3.8%[/B]Identify as LGBTQ. So, right now that's 12,258,154. And out of that SMALL amount of people, only [B]1.2% are female/lesbians.[/B] So out of that 12,258,154. That brings be down to about: [B]147,097[/B][/QUOTE] not only is this a defeatist attitude but your statistics are plain wrong. only 1.2% of the LGBT community are lesbians? sounds like you've confused it with the percentage of women as a group who are lesbians, at least according to this article based on UK stats [url]http://www.theguardian.com/politics/reality-check/2013/oct/03/gay-britain-what-do-statistics-say[/url] [quote]While 1.5% of men in the UK say they're gay, only 0.7% of women say the same. But that trend is reversed when it comes to the identity 'bisexual' - 0.3% of men select this, compared to 0.5% of women. Slightly more women than men say 'don't know' or refuse to answer the question - 3.8% compared to 3.5% of men.[/quote] so you got 0.7% + 0.5% = 1.2% of the female population romantically/sexually interested in other women. that's roughly (assuming 50/50 gender stats, and that gay stats in the US are roughly the same as in the UK) [B]160 million * 0.012[/B] = 1.9 million women in the US who you could theoretically go out with. also LGBT people tend to cluster, this is what gay bars are for [editline]25th December 2015[/editline] christmas statistics

thank you

Christmas is called off. We are heading home tomorrow. So much for a Christmas without any arguing. Atleast it wasn't my fault this time I believe...

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49388393]thank you[/QUOTE] you are welcome merry christmas we love you

[QUOTE=Episode;49385356]I'm just being straight honest but it really is that way for them.[/QUOTE] Not with that attitude. Know where to find lgbtq people and there's usually a lot there. Gay pride, bars if you can... Art courses lol. The moment you put yourself down you've already lost.

Goddammit I hate it how badly my brain tries to take me with anxiously paranoid thinking. Like now. After a really damn long time my ex is finally ready and willing to talk things through despite her being in a difficult episode of major depression. And she instilled me with a lot of confidence about our talk, when yesterday I admitted to her that I've been seriously scared about her changing her mind as the last time I tried to talk things through with someone; I got laughed at by the person at hand. And she was understanding of my fear and told me that we are going to do things differently. So today I brought up another thing which I had coming for a long time. I have something that I really haven't been able to tell about to anybody. The few times I've tried; I have either made a mental u-turn and had my mouth go almost by itself and diluted the story til the point of insignificance. Last weeks one day at a coffee shop with my friends and the following day with my current psychologist, just the prospect of talking about it got me teared up and had me feeling like I had swallowed a razor. But that she is someone I always felt like I could have told it about, although I still missed the opportunity back during summer because I hesitated. And now I hope that I could have a chance to say it, so that I could have an easier time telling it to other selected and few people. I'm scared that since it's such a massive weight on my chest that it would be something to scare her away, despite knowing that she's admirably empathetic and sensitive. Well that and me beating around the bust and not telling directly about what's the deal. It being an extremely touchy subject to me (kinda literally) and secondly as the vocabulary for our country's langue is so ass backwards that we don't even have a term for "sexual assault". Which makes it pretty damn hard to give a hint about the subject. And now I've told strangers on a forum more about it than I have told to anyone else. Or I don't even know. I'm really unsure if I did tell my former psychologist or not, or did I dilute it yet again, or was I in such a haze by my depression that I can't recall.

Gave (ex)girlfriend several chances to pull her head out of her ass and come back after all the shit she pulled on me. She did what I've come to expect out of her and just ignore the issue. She spent her Christmas with the guy that had a heavy hand in ruining our relationship and didn't even go as far to acknowledge me or her family on Christmas, choosing to spend it drunk, over there. She's shown me exactly how much I meant to her. She's dead to me.

-this helps no one-

WHY do i look fine in the mirror but like a goblin on camera? Did it get to the point where i am imagining myself to look good as a defense mechanism but the truth is horribly revealed when you take a picture or see a vid? I can't take and look at a picture of myself. I can't. It's like i'm Dorian fucking Grey over here.

i love being called to a big dinner table full of family members i have a difficult time talking to just to sit and stare at my empty plate because i'm not hungry, then have people ask if i want X or Y or why i'm not eating 20+ times [editline]26th December 2015[/editline] a whole hour of awkwardness because "it would be awkward if you didn't sit at the table"

[QUOTE=diobono;49394577]WHY do i look fine in the mirror but like a goblin on camera? Did it get to the point where i am imagining myself to look good as a defense mechanism but the truth is horribly revealed when you take a picture or see a vid? I can't take and look at a picture of myself. I can't. It's like i'm Dorian fucking Grey over here.[/QUOTE] >I have the same problem. Think of it like an animation. With smear frames. Your human eye can see things moving, so when you stand still infront of the mirror you're never 100% still. The camera catches a still image of you, which is distorted slightly, same with video camera, the curve of the lense/lighting, it can't capture it the way a human eye can, you are fine in the mirror. Pictures aren't exactly "accurate"...

[QUOTE=diobono;49394577]WHY do i look fine in the mirror but like a goblin on camera? Did it get to the point where i am imagining myself to look good as a defense mechanism but the truth is horribly revealed when you take a picture or see a vid? I can't take and look at a picture of myself. I can't. It's like i'm Dorian fucking Grey over here.[/QUOTE] It's due to us being so used to seeing our face mirrored that once we see what it looks like correctly then it becomes uncanny. Can't remember the name of the effect tho.

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;49395090]It's due to us being so used to seeing our face mirrored that once we see what it looks like correctly then it becomes uncanny. Can't remember the name of the effect tho.[/QUOTE] I was about to say the same thing.

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;49395090]It's due to us being so used to seeing our face mirrored that once we see what it looks like correctly then it becomes uncanny. Can't remember the name of the effect tho.[/QUOTE] oh god, this gets me hard. I sweep my hair up and back in the usual generic hipster swoop, so it weirds me out to see photos of myself since the sweep is unmirrored. I think I look completely different, besides not looking good at all.

days like the ones I've been through today are those which makes me question why I bother with a social life or even life itself. to begin with, a friend of mine (who I'll refer to as A) came over today because she was feeling rather upset since she was raped exactly a year ago which brought back memories. we chilled some, watched a movie, ate food, and so on. didn't do a whole lot. then suddenly another friend of mine (who we'll call B) sent me a message about her being upset about me not answering the phone. I said I was asleep when she called (we had planned to talk since she seemed upset last night but I was on acid so it was hard for me to really deal with it there and then) so she said it was possible to call back or send a message. told her I was exhausted and didn't think that far. then she went on about saying I could come to a strangers new years party since the one I'm hosting might not happen, but I told her I needed time to think about it. her reaction was quite blunt, she asked "what the fuck", that I should go with the flow, need to straighten up, and that she was really upset about my behavior. obviously I get confused so I ask what's wrong with me being skeptical about going to a strangers party to celebrate. yet again, she tells me she's really upset about me and doesn't understand why I listen to idiotic opinions from other friends who haven't influenced me at all, this is just an assumption from her with no facts backing it. "what a friend you are" she says. I tell her that I still need to figure out whats happening at new years eve, that I need to plan, and asked her why she was getting so incredibly aggressive over that. told her I'd talk more about new years eve when I knew more. she then tells me I'm being a douche and that's why she's getting aggressive, then she proceeds to say "would almost think these guys are your parents or something" referring to some other friends of mine. yet again, I tell her that no one has influenced my decisions or plans and that I've just gotten a no from my mother to host so far. then she proceeds to say that she thought we were better friends than that and that she was thought I was more human that what I was acting like. that I should enjoy new years eve with my "narrow minded" friends instead of her and a friend of hers I barely know. so I just say, "completely honest, I have no idea what's wrong here. I still need to figure out whats happening at new years eve and it's not exactly fun for me to celebrate a new year with total strangers either. I haven't chosen anyone over you or your friend, what exactly is so wrong here?". she tells me I clearly know who this guy is, and yes, I know who he is, but I don't "know" him which I told her. I just end up telling her that I can't be bothered to deal with this right now and that she was freaking out over nothing. made sure she knew that I enjoyed her company still but that I found this entire conversation and her reaction incredibly unnecessary. at this point I just stopped replying completely. now she tells me she can't stand in this at all, that I was treating her "bro" (aka her friend) like shit after all he had been through, after everything me and her had been through and that she didn't understand why I was acting the way I was. that what I was doing was not okay and that she felt really bad for her friend. then she tells me she was legit sad about this situation and that I told her she was freaking out for no reason. she ended that barrage of messages with a message reassuring me that she still loved me (as friend of course) but that she felt his pain in this entire thing. some time go, and I still didn't reply. I read them, but no replies. this makes her say "okay, sure, don't answer my messages then, that just confirms what a terrible person you are, that's what I'm going to think since I'm angry. but because I have a few years more on my belt (2 years older than me, 22) and learnt more than you have, I just think you need some time to digest and decipher what I've told you today. speak to you when you know more" what the hell man. I need stable people around me, she freaked out over absolutely nothing today and isn't able to see it herself. I didn't get angry or upset, but I did get frustrated since I haven't done anything but say that I needed to think about new years eve which apparently makes her really angry. I don't want a friend around me who is not able to see any other perspective than her own and acts too much on her emotions. I don't find her considerate at all. not sure if I'm even going to pick up contact again with her. to top this, two friends of ours who are in a relationship (girl is C, boy is D) had a fight. we were originally going to find time to be with C and D, me and A, but C said she didn't want to wait for us to eat dinner so she dropped the plans completely. A got a little mad, but said screw it. D then suddenly calls and wants to come over, and apparently those two had fought, again. C got pissed at me and A for having D over since she gets jealous easily, so she went out on me, A and D. even removed us from facebook, though did re-add us later. then suddenly she tells us she's going to kill herself with a pill overdose which wasn't an empty threat, she actually did try to overdose. I was completely out of it at this point since so much was happening at once, I need stability around to maintain my own stability. I sat there quiet and was barely able to talk. fuck this day. I need someone I can trust, someone I can rely on, not people who fucking fling shit at me for no reason at all or a really jealous girlfriend who flings shit at me just for hanging out with her boyfriend then threatens and attempts to kill herself. I'm not even gay, why is she jealous. not only that, but the girl I like has been absent from her phone for 2 days in a row and hasn't logged in on facebook for over 24 hours. she's having issues too and her way to cope is to isolate herself. pretty much everyone I know have serious issues, one way or another [editline]27th December 2015[/editline] do stable people even exist? I consider myself fairly stable externally, but I'm easily affected by people who are instable themselves

i am a square peg in a universe of round holes

Y'know it's very depressing and all that I still can't get a job, but what hurts more is when everyone is calling me lazy in terms of my search for a job. Parents had a discussion with me saying "I wasn't trying hard enough" saying "No you only tried for like one month, you sit around on your stupid computer all day and when you aren't doing that you're outside running, you don't need to lose anymore weight you're obsessing!!! All you think about is your stupid friend and your stupid games!" When I've been trying hard since JUNE. It's nearly January and still, not ONE call from any of the dozens and dozens of places I've applied and re-applied. My parents think my friend will turn on me just because I've had like, two close friends before in my life turn on me. Tbh it's not healthy to think that everyone is terrible and my friend has proven to me that she won't turn on me. And that's coming from someone who's had trust issues getting close with people, now I'm an open book, hence why I share my stuff here and why I've opened up to you people here, through PM's and Steam. (And you can do the same to me, I won't always know how to respond but I won't be an asshat.) But besides the job hunt I'm really happy that this community has been pretty good to me, and that I got some gud shit for Christmas. So Idk how to express this, but Thank you guys. There's good people on facepunch. [editline]27th December 2015[/editline] ... And that "friend" I keep referring to, the one I'm moving in down south with, it's complicated and once I have more introspection on our "friendship" situation I might open up about what that is too. Right now It's weird.

I just don't know why I should live. I don't think I'm going to do anything about it, just sit around and get annoyed asking this question. I'm just a big chemical reaction which apparently has life in it. everything is meaningless. everything is a way to occupy my mind to not think about why I should live. I need something to constantly keep my mind busy else I'll instantly fall down a depressive pit. I think I'm a lot more depressed than I like to admit, it's just that I'm constantly on the move to make sure these thoughts stay away. not a lot is required to kick the thoughts into gear. I'm scared of losing my social circle as well since that's how I keep myself busy. now A is freaking out as well over everything that happened earlier. sent me a message on Facebook and she is completely broken. she isn't accepting help either and declines everything I offer. why are all of my friends freaking out

[QUOTE=Qaus;49396301]i am a square peg in a universe of round holes[/QUOTE] So stop trying to fit into the round hole. Make the hole fit you. I'm very serious when I say that my depression and anxiety screeched to a halt because I stopped giving a shit. And of course, when someone says "just stop caring", it's almost insulting - I hated hearing people tell me that. For me, I had to see what it meant to not care and to see the complete antithesis to my being - someone that disobeyed what I assumed was the natural order of society - a completely functioning introvert that lives on a low budget paid for by occasional free-lanced music and video-editing - someone so interesting and intriguing while falling into the background doing his own thing. And that's kind of what I want out of myself anymore - just doing my own thing. Just programming and not feeling obligated to go to parties in which I don't connect with others - you know, not trying to force myself to be interesting to people I'm not interested in. Maybe that's what you've gotta do. Figure out what you wanna do and do it - don't let society limit you. Don't try to fit into society if you don't have to or don't want to. Nothing and no one has intrinsic value so it's up to you to determine your own rate of success - not society - and it's up to you to determine who matters, what your idea of fun is, and what you're going to do about it. It's weirdly attracted a few people to me, as crazy as it sounds. And people I really enjoy, too. It just came naturally, and I don't think things were falling into place because I was so insistent on being the piece that fell into someone else's puzzle.

I'm not able to see myself functioning in society. I can't imagine going back to school or starting to work. I'm not able to keep a routine. dealing with things as they arise or based on my needs is how I function, if I feel like waking up 2pm I'll wake up 2pm, if I fee like going to bed 9am I'll go to bed 9am. I lack the self control to control this. if I don't want to work out or go to work, I simply don't. I've tried to form routines in the past, and it works halfway until I get tired of following it and just ditch it. [editline]27th December 2015[/editline] I'm not able to take things seriously enough [editline]27th December 2015[/editline] I can't see myself changing how I deal with things or how much effort I put into everything. its been like this since I've been a child, it's who I've become. [editline]27th December 2015[/editline] I put so much effort into making sure my friends are okay, but none show the courtesy of helping me out when I'm feeling down again. if I reach out for help or start acting abnormal as in I'm feeling sad, I'll just get odd looks and no help. when I need help the most I don't get it. I really miss being in a mental hospital. the staff were people you could rely on and always talk to, friends are not apparently. [editline]27th December 2015[/editline] how far do I need to go for people to realize that I have issues too? do I need to commit suicide before people realize "damn, I should probably have helped"? [editline]27th December 2015[/editline] I feel like I need to remain stable for my friends so they're not burdened by someone else being depressed as well, but where's my help and attention in all of this

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49396558] it's up to you to determine who matters, what your idea of fun is, and what you're going to do about it. It's weirdly attracted a few people to me, as crazy as it sounds. And people I really enjoy, too. It just came naturally, and I don't think things were falling into place because I was so insistent on being the piece that fell into someone else's puzzle.[/QUOTE] That's exactly how I met my two friends, one of which I'm moving in with soon, doing your own thing. It's true. Althou I'm still struggling on occasion on the whole "not caring about what others think" or the "dont give a shit" I'm at that stage where I'm able to do it most days but some days I slip up.

I have a problem with stuff and I just don't feel like stopping. I have been acquiring stuff through not very legal means, while I told my therapist I don't like doing it, the truth is that I really like doing it. Traveling in high end cabs, sleeping with expensive designer stuff, wearing brand clothing, all for free. The only thing that seems wrong is not doing it. Sometimes I think that if I was given the opportunity to do something really awful and get away with it, I wouldn't really think it twice. I really want to improve and be a better person but I always feel like I'm just doing it because that's what people like to see. Whenever I do something right nobody gives a fuck, nobody thanks me and there are people out there who get attention and acceptance for doing nothing. I want that, I want to have it easy. I can't stop feeling envy for other people.

:snip: a tad too incriminating.

[QUOTE=Qaus;49396301]i am a square peg in a universe of round holes[/QUOTE] Come on mate, you have to think more positive; become more like a Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios! :D