Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;49398397]Come on mate, you have to think more positive; become more like a Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios! :D[/QUOTE] Essentially. There's multiple ways go about life, but they can ultimately be simplified into two ideas: one path is conformity, the other is non-conformity. One is easier, but limiting and weak. The other is difficult, easily hated, but also easily the most intriguing. The people I look up to look behind the curtain and say, "well, why can't I just do this?" They take life one piece at a time and say, "Well, given the circumstances, I'll try this" as opposed to, "Well, give popular opinion I'm going to do this." That in itself is super attractive for me, and I feel like the more I go into that direction certain people start paying attention - not that I'm an attention whore, but simply because not following the social norm and coming up with an alternate solution that doesn't require a lot of struggles is interesting. It makes life a sandbox, and that's not necessarily too common for people, and so naturally some people will look at it in disgust, and others will be like, "Oh, hey, maybe I don't have to do this shit. Look at what that guy is doing. He's not doing it." I think some people in this thread are struggling to fit into a society that they shouldn't necessarily be fitting into. By focusing so much on fitting in, there's a risk of losing oneself, or creating a large dissonance with some feelings that they aren't easily willing to process and admit, i.e. "I don't actually enjoy being in groups with people that don't interest me." It isn't a war crime or anything. You don't [I]have[/I] to do a lot of stuff in life, and because of that there's nothing wrong with pacing yourself or, alternatively, opting out of certain things. Just keep in mind that if it is an actual social disorder or something along those lines that you should try to deal with them, but if it honestly feels like you don't connect with most of society don't beat yourself up for it. You gotta ask yourself why that connection is really all that important. Does it mess with your life? Does it hurt your goals? Are your goals influenced by unnecessarily extroverted ideals? What about you? Can you be happy by yourself? If so, what makes you unhappy with others? Are you lonely because you aren't with others, or do you feel lonely [I]because[/I] of others? I've found that certain types of people and certain scenarios have paradoxically made me feel more lonely than if I were to have stayed home programming. Here's another idea to consider - perhaps the reason why some of us have a hard time in society is because the ideally introverted familiar person we all want to be with isn't the type of person we'd find at a party or in the extroverted scenarios we associate with normality. I can tell you guys that the quality time I look for is basically one other person as I do pretty much anything - shooting the shit while walking around and stuff. I've wanted to walk the Las Vegas strip with one or two other people for a long while now. And those ideal people I'd walk with do exist because I've met them and I've had multiple walk in and out of my life in the past, it's just that I won't find them through normal means. The best friend that I've had for about ten years has been an internet buddy and I'll be meeting him for the first time in March, and most of my other friends and girlfriends have had a large part to do with talking over the internet. Every day I talk to most people through the internet as I program. It isn't really a problem, and I'm actually pretty stoked that the internet is integrating into how we socialize with others. The idea of parties and bars being the main event for social activities has really been reduced to an out of date stereotype anymore, and while I'm on the extreme side of the spectrum I think the internet has become essential in itself for meeting and talking to people. If you guys really wanted to hang out or whatever (and I know there's Facepunchers close to where I live in Vegas), you guys can shoot me a message. Or if you guys wanted to talk or whatever, you could shoot me a message or whatever. That's generally how I socialize, with very little of my interactions being in person and especially not frequently in person. I've learned not bothered by it.

I think maybe it's time for me to go back to a mental hospital. The cold concrete floors of the last one I was in just seem inviting right now.

the jealous girlfriend added me and the friend who came over first yesterday to a group chat stating that she would cut all contact permanently with us due to her not being able to tackle us being with her boyfriend since their relationship was quite messy right now. that's one friend gone, that leaves one who is pissed at me for no reason and another who is very unstable [editline]27th December 2015[/editline] I feel like my social circle is dissolving. I can't lose this

Whenever I think of myself in a more positive light, I start to feel a bit egotistical.

Being egotistical at times is a-okay, depending on the context. (And as long as it's mostly for yourself and not because you want to put down someone else.) I can admit that I'm pretty fucking narcissistic, but only because I've hated myself for over ten years, growing up. Sometimes being a little selfish can help shake you out of the opposite point of view.

[QUOTE=Pascall;49399420]Being egotistical at times is a-okay, depending on the context. (And as long as it's mostly for yourself and not because you want to put down someone else.) I can admit that I'm pretty fucking narcissistic, but only because I've hated myself for over ten years, growing up. Sometimes being a little selfish can help shake you out of the opposite point of view.[/QUOTE] Things in moderation. You should be critical of yourself and loving of yourself. When you forget to do one or the other, you're in trouble.

I'm way too hard on myself, but I guess, at least to me, it makes sense to say that I [I]don't[/I] know how to love myself.

what kind of music do you folks listen to? recently I've been finding more and more stuff like [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=razjJva66F4]this[/url] and it's just so cheerful

[QUOTE=kijji;49399451]I'm way too hard on myself, but I guess, at least to me, it makes sense to say that I [I]don't[/I] know how to love myself.[/QUOTE] Could be as easy as learning how to treat yourself when you're feeling down. I buy myself small things here and there that I know might make me happy if I'm having a bad day. I'll go and pick up some kind of snack or I'll buy a new game on Steam or something. It doesn't have to be a HUGE SELF LOVING gesture. Could also be just doing something you enjoy. Taking a day off to take an extra nap or play a game you've been putting off. Taking yourself out to go eat breakfast or just have a walk around a park or something. I treat myself to an IHOP breakfast whenever I feel like I can. It's not EXTRAVAGANT but it's a nice thing to not have to cook for myself and I can get some pancakes. Just makes me feel better if I'm having a shit day.

[QUOTE=Turnips5;49399590]what kind of music do you folks listen to? recently I've been finding more and more stuff like [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=razjJva66F4]this[/url] and it's just so cheerful[/QUOTE] When I was at my not so fun point last February-March it was lots of depressing country and indie acoustic music. Why I thought listening to that in my mental state was a good idea, i don't fucking know. Now its a lot of EDM, by which I mean electric music in general. Not one for big room, electro, or melbourne bounce myself. Mostly liquid funk/dnb, melodic dubstep, and the other less balls-to-the-wall genres. [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1hPCKKJDLQ"]Haywyre[/URL], [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zG_lckuzbo"]Blackmill[/URL] and [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG-LyajWWx0"]Varien[/URL] are some of my favorite big artists, along with [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNN_hDuopPo"]Wolfgun[/URL] and [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFJasqS__Zo"]Killigrew[/URL] for smaller artists. I'd honestly advise keeping with upbeat music for anyone else in this thread who's easily swayed by music. Listening to Adagio for Strings still pulls me back mentally several months, and Trampled by Turtles "Alone" is pretty damn good at ruining my day. Sad music can be a vent, but it can also be a trap so be careful pls

[QUOTE=paindoc;49400114]When I was at my not so fun point last February-March it was lots of depressing country and indie acoustic music. Why I thought listening to that in my mental state was a good idea, i don't fucking know. Now its a lot of EDM, by which I mean electric music in general. Not one for big room, electro, or melbourne bounce myself. Mostly liquid funk/dnb, melodic dubstep, and the other less balls-to-the-wall genres. [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1hPCKKJDLQ"]Haywyre[/URL], [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zG_lckuzbo"]Blackmill[/URL] and [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG-LyajWWx0"]Varien[/URL] are some of my favorite big artists, along with [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNN_hDuopPo"]Wolfgun[/URL] and [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFJasqS__Zo"]Killigrew[/URL] for smaller artists. I'd honestly advise keeping with upbeat music for anyone else in this thread who's easily swayed by music. Listening to Adagio for Strings still pulls me back mentally several months, and Trampled by Turtles "Alone" is pretty damn good at ruining my day. Sad music can be a vent, but it can also be a trap so be careful pls[/QUOTE] music can be such a ridiculously powerful emotional override switch. (so why can't it make us happy all the time? :glare: )

I can't... I just can't fucking do this anymore..

I like the stuff you posted. I hate trying to describe the stuff I listen to since all the genre names are so up in the air these days

[QUOTE=Turnips5;49400251]I like the stuff you posted. I hate trying to describe the stuff I listen to since all the genre names are so up in the air these days[/QUOTE] Eh, it can seem like that but most are more static. New genres rise up fast, like chillstep v Melodic dubstep. Technically the same thing, but chillstep is the label most listeners seem to be attracted to. French House and Nu Disco have a lot in common, so does electro funk. Ishkurs guide to electronic music is ten years old but still relevant. Part of the trick of new artists is to claim theyre producing a new genre to get some extra cred. Thomas Jack did this as a joke, saying he was producing tropical house, but the name stuck and kygo ad Thomas Jack are considered the namesake of the genre :v: A lot of genre naming is marketing shenanigans. If you like what I posted, Mixhound has some of my favorite chillstep and liquid dnb mixes on his channel

[QUOTE=Pascall;49399638]Could be as easy as learning how to treat yourself when you're feeling down. I buy myself small things here and there that I know might make me happy if I'm having a bad day. I'll go and pick up some kind of snack or I'll buy a new game on Steam or something. It doesn't have to be a HUGE SELF LOVING gesture. Could also be just doing something you enjoy. Taking a day off to take an extra nap or play a game you've been putting off. Taking yourself out to go eat breakfast or just have a walk around a park or something. I treat myself to an IHOP breakfast whenever I feel like I can. It's not EXTRAVAGANT but it's a nice thing to not have to cook for myself and I can get some pancakes. Just makes me feel better if I'm having a shit day.[/QUOTE] I guess if we were going to speak very literally about what "loving yourself" is, I guess I'd say it's not beating yourself up so much and letting go. Criticize yourself enough so that you won't repeat mistakes and move on. The world's gonna move on without you if you don't.

[QUOTE=Turnips5;49399590]what kind of music do you folks listen to? recently I've been finding more and more stuff like [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=razjJva66F4]this[/url] and it's just so cheerful[/QUOTE] In my early years growing up listening to my dads music being played around the house while also listening to greatest hits of the 90's, coupled with a big depression phase during the mid/late 2k's, gave me a pretty varied taste in music. [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_Z3HZQnSME[/media] [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAr1fkQ9IGk[/media] [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwIrXOtZyvQ[/media] [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-03qmlWNRuc[/media] Plus chiptunes, lots and lots of chiptunes.

Not really the most upbeat music, but neither something totally downing. Might sound cheesy, but I'm drawn to music that makes me feel. Most of that music listening is really late at night, so that I can cry in peace if I have to. [video=youtube;vbhwRUu1Bpc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbhwRUu1Bpc&ab_channel=AustinHinojos[/video]

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49401034]I guess if we were going to speak very literally about what "loving yourself" is, I guess I'd say it's not beating yourself up so much and letting go. Criticize yourself enough so that you won't repeat mistakes and move on. The world's gonna move on without you if you don't.[/QUOTE] It's hard to not beat yourself up over things, but it does help to put things in perspective. My therapist told me to think of things as a worst case, best case, middle ground scenario. So what's the worst thing that could happen vs. what's the best thing that could happen. And then the middle ground is what's more likely to ACTUALLY happen and it kind of helps keep my racing brain in check since I'm very prone to anxiety. Idk it's a nice little exercise that helps me sort of refocus and not settle too much on one thing.

I don't listen to overlay happy music when I'm feeling sad or peeved. It's too contrasting with what I'm feeling and I'd rather feel whatever's closer to my reality at the time, let those feelings play out, and then return to normal. Denying my own feelings or not allowing myself to get whatever out of my system creates dissonance that creates anger and stress. [media]https://soundcloud.com/thephantomsrevenge/djbffslideshow[/media] My favorite song at the moment, however if I'm feeling sad I'll move to something else, like maybe [media]https://soundcloud.com/theblankettheory/wilco-medley[/media] I remember when I was angry with life, what kept me going was listening to Pantera. It made me feel better and amped me up.

I feel like I need to kill myself. Work is just too fucking hard and just too fucking much to deal with but every single person I know just goes "that's work deal with it" and it's not helpful at all. I can't fucking handle the stress on my mind, body, and emotions. If this is how all jobs are then I don't think I'm capable of working and I need to just kill myself now. I can't fucking deal with it anymore

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;49402008]I feel like I need to kill myself. Work is just too fucking hard and just too fucking much to deal with but every single person I know just goes "that's work deal with it" and it's not helpful at all. I can't fucking handle the stress on my mind, body, and emotions. If this is how all jobs are then I don't think I'm capable of working and I need to just kill myself now. I can't fucking deal with it anymore[/QUOTE] I can relate tbh. Personally, I loved my job but it was literally killing me. My health was dropping, I was breaking out into hives, and I dived into a pretty deep depression. I fixed it by cutting my time down to one day a week. The thing about jobs is, while they are hard to find, yes, you can quit them and find another. Usually, anyway. If you're on the younger side, are good with people (which is what jobs for younger people usually entails), then you can likely find another job. Or even one in the interim. Granted, it'll take some looking, but if a job is genuinely making you feel like you want to end it? PLEASE quit. For your own sake.

[QUOTE=Pascall;49402103]I can relate tbh. Personally, I loved my job but it was literally killing me. My health was dropping, I was breaking out into hives, and I dived into a pretty deep depression. I fixed it by cutting my time down to one day a week. The thing about jobs is, while they are hard to find, yes, you can quit them and find another. Usually, anyway. If you're on the younger side, are good with people (which is what jobs for younger people usually entails), then you can likely find another job. Or even one in the interim. Granted, it'll take some looking, but if a job is genuinely making you feel like you want to end it? PLEASE quit. For your own sake.[/QUOTE] I straight up left my job after getting a raise because I couldn't put up with other workers treating me like an idiot and everything I was doing never being enough.

The money is pretty much not worth the suffering, like 99% of the time. Especially if you're getting suicidal thoughts.

[QUOTE=Pascall;49402103]I can relate tbh. Personally, I loved my job but it was literally killing me. My health was dropping, I was breaking out into hives, and I dived into a pretty deep depression. I fixed it by cutting my time down to one day a week. The thing about jobs is, while they are hard to find, yes, you can quit them and find another. Usually, anyway. If you're on the younger side, are good with people (which is what jobs for younger people usually entails), then you can likely find another job. Or even one in the interim. Granted, it'll take some looking, but if a job is genuinely making you feel like you want to end it? PLEASE quit. For your own sake.[/QUOTE] The thing is people are telling me I can't. I have a job placement guy who got me the job and so that's even more pressure not to quit. I work as a night stocker at Walmart for $9.50. I'm so fucking sore whenever I get home and the entire day after. But during work, we have to work with less people than we need with more than we can do faster than we can actually work. I have to go out in the freezing rain and lightning and pull up carts to earn my second break. We constantly get shit on by the night managers. Last night a guy got threatened by one of them that he couldn't have his lunch or his break or something if he didn't finish his task in time, which I'm pretty sure is illegal. By the time I finish work I can barely walk from how sore I get. I don't know if this is bad or not but everyone I talk to just goes 'that's work'. If that's work, then I can't deal with work, I just can't. I want to stab myself or buy a gun with my paycheck or something.

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;49402157]The thing is people are telling me I can't. I have a job placement guy who got me the job and so that's even more pressure not to quit. I work as a night stocker at Walmart for $9.50. I'm so fucking sore whenever I get home and the entire day after. But during work, we have to work with less people than we need with more than we can do faster than we can actually work. I have to go out in the freezing rain and lightning and pull up carts to earn my second break. We constantly get shit on by the night managers. Last night a guy got threatened by one of them that he couldn't have his lunch or his break or something if he didn't finish his task in time, which I'm pretty sure is illegal. By the time I finish work I can barely walk from how sore I get. I don't know if this is bad or not but everyone I talk to just goes 'that's work'. If that's work, then I can't deal with work, I just can't. I want to stab myself or buy a gun with my paycheck or something.[/QUOTE] That's not "just work." That sounds like shit. That's not worth it at all. For 9.50??? I get paid 10.50 and that's still not enough for that sort of struggle. Honestly, I'm not cut out for retail work like that. That's why now I don't settle for that kind of shit work. Nobody tells me "that's just work". If the job placement guy can't understand, then he can eat it, tbh. I really would quit. There's something better for you out there.

At some point money makes you the clown. I'm not willing to be the clown. I'm currently doing some odd jobs for a tax company that will hopefully take me in with an actual contract I can collaborate on for the tax season coming up - they've been happy with the designs I've been doing for their flyers and stuff. If not, I'll just apply to all the movie theaters around. But yeah, the money was not worth the holiday hours, the condescending employees, and the negative spiral of my college grades. Fuck that noise. I'm tired of people's expectations that I will eat shit. Don't get depressed and take your anger out on yourself - take your anger out on them. Quit (respectfully) and look for a new job. They exist, you just have to persist and work on selling yourself. [editline]27th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Mister Sandman;49402157]The thing is people are telling me I can't. I have a job placement guy who got me the job and so that's even more pressure not to quit. I work as a night stocker at Walmart for $9.50. I'm so fucking sore whenever I get home and the entire day after. But during work, we have to work with less people than we need with more than we can do faster than we can actually work. I have to go out in the freezing rain and lightning and pull up carts to earn my second break. We constantly get shit on by the night managers. Last night a guy got threatened by one of them that he couldn't have his lunch or his break or something if he didn't finish his task in time, which I'm pretty sure is illegal. By the time I finish work I can barely walk from how sore I get. I don't know if this is bad or not but everyone I talk to just goes 'that's work'. If that's work, then I can't deal with work, I just can't. I want to stab myself or buy a gun with my paycheck or something.[/QUOTE] Yup - sounds like the job I left. The pressure on everyone is astounding, and it comes from up top and starts a domino effect of stressing the hell out of everyone in the name of selling and saving. They're cutting corners, and one of those corners is you. Make you should cut them out of the equation and quit. Try nearby local grocery stores and small businesses.

[QUOTE=Pascall;49402184]That's not "just work." That sounds like shit. That's not worth it at all. For 9.50??? I get paid 10.50 and that's still not enough for that sort of struggle. Honestly, I'm not cut out for retail work like that. That's why now I don't settle for that kind of shit work. Nobody tells me "that's just work". If the job placement guy can't understand, then he can eat it, tbh. I really would quit. There's something better for you out there.[/QUOTE] Everyone I talk to says I should be glad I'm not making minimum wage. I live in Texas, where minimum is $7.25. My job placement guy said I should be happy that I'm getting a 'learning experience' from having to work- oh yeah, I didn't explain that. I was originally applying for and interviewed for a frozen stocking position that would pay $10.40. After the background check, I called them and they said the position was 'no longer available' and offered me stocking for $9.50. I took it. I just found out last night from a co-worker that they don't have a frozen stocker at all, just some guy who's also a normal stocker but tends to do frozen. They've also had me work frozen even though I'm just a stocker, because apparently they can ask me to do that even if I'm just a stocker. It's not like the guy is new either, he's been there for almost a year. So they interviewed me for a job I'm pretty sure they knew I'd never get, gave me a shittier more general job that means they get to pay me less and still make me do the same work. And my job placement guy is saying I should be 'happy' I'm getting a 'learning experience' on how to do it so that in the future I can ask to be moved to just being a frozen stocker.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49397087]Stuff[/QUOTE] I just read my own post and realized how wrong shit is. The problem started when I stopped giving value to myself and then I tried to fill the void by getting expensive stuff. My therapist was right all the time, from the very first session. It was all about giving value to myself. As kid I was mostly humiliated by my family for various reasons, from the way I looked like to the way I talked, the things I knew and the things I didn't know, I grew up thinking I wasn't worth it. Every time I'm with someone I always feel like I don't deserve being with them and that's why I desperately look for approval, because I'm trying to prove what I am worth, and that's my entire problem. So yeah, valuating one self is important. Guess I gotta start doing it more and not lie to myself.

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;49402229]Everyone I talk to says I should be glad I'm not making minimum wage. I live in Texas, where minimum is $7.25. My job placement guy said I should be happy that I'm getting a 'learning experience' from having to work- oh yeah, I didn't explain that. I was originally applying for and interviewed for a frozen stocking position that would pay $10.40. After the background check, I called them and they said the position was 'no longer available' and offered me stocking for $9.50. I took it. I just found out last night from a co-worker that they don't have a frozen stocker at all, just some guy who's also a normal stocker but tends to do frozen. They've also had me work frozen even though I'm just a stocker, because apparently they can ask me to do that even if I'm just a stocker. It's not like the guy is new either, he's been there for almost a year. So they interviewed me for a job I'm pretty sure they knew I'd never get, gave me a shittier more general job that means they get to pay me less and still make me do the same work. And my job placement guy is saying I should be 'happy' I'm getting a 'learning experience' on how to do it so that in the future I can ask to be moved to just being a frozen stocker.[/QUOTE] I have a friend that straight up doesn't work. He does freelancing for videos and music whenever possible while minimizing his cost of living. He's got his own house and lives pretty happy on his own. What I'm trying to say is there's a different way to approach things. Not everything has to fit the traditional model of work + life. Not all happiness comes from work + life. You're correct in being unhappy with your job, however you're incorrect in giving so much weight to it and the people who are trying to force you to conform. It's your life, try stuff.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49402264]I have a friend that straight up doesn't work. He does freelancing for videos and music whenever possible while minimizing his cost of living. He's got his own house and lives pretty happy on his own. What I'm trying to say is there's a different way to approach things. Not everything has to fit the traditional model of work + life. Not all happiness comes from work + life. You're correct in being unhappy with your job, however you're incorrect in giving so much weight to it and the people who are trying to force you to conform. It's your life, try stuff.[/QUOTE] All I want to do is entertainment. I want to make videos, do comedy, draw, sing, or even do wrestling or some shit. I don't want to do shit like retail. Everyone always makes it feel like there's no other option. Every time I want to do something it's for some reason always not possible for [I]me.[/I] There are trans people in texas, but it's not possible to transition for [I]me,[/I] because of the process to get hormones and how there apparently isn't a gender therapist for miles or some shit. There are people who move across the country, but it's not possible for [I]me.[/I] There are tons of people making a living off entertainment, but it's not possible for [I]me.[/I] The only thing people around me say is possible is for me to work retail and maybe I'll move up, roommate with someone, and then just keep doing that until I die, I guess. Or go to college but only if I do STEM.