Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I'm not getting help with my depression, anxiety, my detachment from reality, my inability to follow routines, I'm getting help for a non existent drug addiction.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49408396]The only "mental illness" I was legit diagnosed with was depression. Will they give me disability checks for that? [editline]29th December 2015[/editline] Wait wont I have to pay back all the money I would be given by unemployment? My parents told me "WTF DONT DO THAT! U WILL HAVE TO PAY IT ALL BACK LATER ULL BE IN DEBT!" my parents scare me with things like that to prevent me from taking steps...this is half of the abuse I keep talking about, they CRAVE for me to be dependent on them because it gives them a power trip, only a small percentage of the abuse is physical, and they "make up for it" by promising me money or saying "U HAVE A ROOF OVER UR HEAD AND INTERNET WHAT MORE DO U NEED?" meanwhile they spoil my brothers.[/QUOTE] I get 7k a year for college because I have depression.

[QUOTE=elevate;49409472]I get 7k a year for college because I have depression.[/QUOTE] Shit that's a thing? I can be paid for all this bullshit I have to go through?! It dosen't effect me physically, other than I have to push myself extra hard to get out of bed and be productive some days, but tbh I want to take advantage of the system as opposed to selling my body out to men.

Yes, but you have to actually you know sign up for it.

Anybody deal with depression while in a relationship? It's a pretty constant feeling of inadequacy, especially considering I'm also asexual (he's not) and our relationship is long distance. I feel like I can't adequately provide what my partner needs, even if he's constantly telling me that we're doing okay? Idk. I feel like I should probably believe him and ignore the thoughts my depression is placing in my head, but I don't know. It's hard to tell myself "yeah it's fine" when everything else just seems decidedly not fine? From my perspective, anyway. Dealing with depression while simultaneously trying to provide something for a significant other is fucking hard and makes me really hate myself sometimes.

I guess I just worry because every now and again I feel like there's this little stipulation over my head like "maybe I'll get better some day and I can provide what he needs then" but like - what if I never get better ?? ? ? I don't want him waiting around for something that might not ever happen. It's hard.

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;49409571]I would just like to point out that I love everyone on this forum and you are all loved in this thread. Hopefully all of us have a better year next year. Here's to New Years early :toot:[/QUOTE] Sometimes I don't feel loved, thanks for that [img]https://facepunch.com/fp/ratings/heart.png[/img]

[QUOTE=Pascall;49410199]Anybody deal with depression while in a relationship? [/QUOTE] Funny, I'm on the opposite side. My girlfriend is sexually dead thanks to her antidepressants, and it makes me feel like shit because we can't do anything together and never wants to have sex. I bought her some sex toys in the hope it might help her get in the mood, but then I found out she's been using them by herself. Makes me feel fucking useless. [editline]29th December 2015[/editline] Just cried at work too. Fuck it all.

[QUOTE=Pascall;49410199]Anybody deal with depression while in a relationship? It's a pretty constant feeling of inadequacy, especially considering I'm also asexual (he's not) and our relationship is long distance. I feel like I can't adequately provide what my partner needs, even if he's constantly telling me that we're doing okay? Idk. I feel like I should probably believe him and ignore the thoughts my depression is placing in my head, but I don't know. It's hard to tell myself "yeah it's fine" when everything else just seems decidedly not fine? From my perspective, anyway. Dealing with depression while simultaneously trying to provide something for a significant other is fucking hard and makes me really hate myself sometimes.[/QUOTE] This is literally me. Absolutely everything. Talk to me.

I think I just made a really bad decision, but out of all the options at the time it seemed like the best one. Did not sleep well at all last night either which I suspect the above to be the reason for. I just hope it doesn't turn to bite me in the face somewhere later down the line, I feel horrible for doing it.

[QUOTE=Thomo_UK;49411494]I think I just made a really bad decision, but out of all the options at the time it seemed like the best one. Did not sleep well at all last night either which I suspect the above to be the reason for. I just hope it doesn't turn to bite me in the face somewhere later down the line, I feel horrible for doing it.[/QUOTE] What did you do? :ohno:

Entering the new year alone. Ex is even taking her dog, that I've been taking care of, back. I have nothing left.

[QUOTE=kyle877;49412964]Entering the new year alone. Ex is even taking her dog, that I've been taking care of, back. I have nothing left.[/QUOTE] Entered 2015 with a special girl Exiting 2015 without that special girl It hurts but she had to go. Give it some time buddy, just some time. Much love to ya.

[QUOTE=Pascall;49410199]Anybody deal with depression while in a relationship? It's a pretty constant feeling of inadequacy, especially considering I'm also asexual (he's not) and our relationship is long distance. I feel like I can't adequately provide what my partner needs, even if he's constantly telling me that we're doing okay? Idk. I feel like I should probably believe him and ignore the thoughts my depression is placing in my head, but I don't know. It's hard to tell myself "yeah it's fine" when everything else just seems decidedly not fine? From my perspective, anyway. Dealing with depression while simultaneously trying to provide something for a significant other is fucking hard and makes me really hate myself sometimes.[/QUOTE] In my relationship with my ex (her being depressed and me being still out of touch with how badly I was really faring) she broke down one night, crying over that why am I with her when I "could have anyone". Funny thing was that I was feeling the same way about her. I had a lot of fears. Fearing that she would jump boat the second she'd get the chance because of how unworthy I felt and how I'd been treated in the past. But any time those fears would arise; I told them that she's not like that and I can't get worked up over an itch on the back of my mind. Especially when my mind is itching all the time. And every time I fought that feeling of distrust and it was proven false; my trust for her grew. Which is why I want her to be the first to hear about that sexual assault I experienced. As I'm also going to tell her why I trust her so much. Yesterday she told me that she'd be glad to hear it (didn't tell her exactly what, just that it's confidential and that it has been brimming inside me for a long time). I might be derailing here. Or I don't know. You just have to make the cognitive effort to see when it is your depression talking down about your capabilities in a relationship. You're asexual and in a LDR, your relationship is already non-standard and it seems to be keeping together. A good relationship is not a binary checklist, it is about how well two people can adapt to each other while loving each other. I really wonder if my ex has an angle for more than sorting things out. I mean last month she told me (for the second time) to stay away from her and her friends and family. The month before that she told me that "I deserve help, but that I'm seeking it from the wrong places". Yet now she really wants to talk things through, understand the fears leading to both of our actions and even hear my shameful secret. Might as well come clean and tell her how I feel. I want to stick together and learn from the past mistakes to make it work. Because not giving it a second try feels almost quite redundant to me, personally. I don't know what it is, but only guys and girls suffering with mental illness are interested in me. So why not stick with the one I trusted enough that I've felt like I could overcome my genophobia with? Putting all my past experiences in review where I could've had sex; I've always pulled away and felt really uneased. I'm getting quite certain of that I'm suffering from that phobia. Sorry if I rambled. Decided just to go with it, for whatever insight it could spark, or not. I have something to talk with my psychologist about for the next time thank's to it. For being a bunch of people I vaguely or even barely know; you sure do mean a lot to me. This thread has helped me survive this year and I'm thankful for it. You are an amazing bunch, all of you :cat: I feel like writing a song for this thread, maybe it'd be the first one I'd get lyrics done for.

I need to stop cutting myself before it becomes a problem but it's effective enough at clearing my mind that I really just don't want to stop.

Sunday_Roast, if you did write a song, I'd listen to it.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49419668]I need to stop cutting myself before it becomes a problem but it's effective enough at clearing my mind that I really just don't want to stop.[/QUOTE] There's other ways to escape and to ask for help. Reinventing your life is one way to do it. I'm currently in the process of grabbing new clothes online (gift cards woo), keeping my diet in check, and applying for jobs.

Hey guys, I want to write down my misadventures with a mental hospital that happened three years ago, so it will be quite lengthy It started when I was misdiagnosed as bipolar after I had a panic attack my senior year because, a bullshit senior project and an economics state test were on the same day, and both were pass or flunk out. I was already prescribed anxiety pills, but I neglected to take them due to the low dosage. After the first panic attack was a downward spiral, and the medical and mental institutes poured gas on the spark. The first hospital I only stayed an afternoon in, and that's when I experienced my second panic attack; however, the medical staff perpetuated the stress. Here's what happened, I was given a form to sign, yet something was off. It said that since I had a mental breakdown, I had to be transferred over to a mental institute, naturally I refused to sign the document. After that I remembered was everyone in the room left, and I started to see boot prints on the ground. Then they tied me down when I was saying things during my breakdown. I regained my senses in the second hospital, and it wasn't that bad, but I only saw the doctor once and he diagnosed me as bipolar. I am not bipolar; however, I was taking bipolar medicine. The third panic attack wasn't as bad as the second, but I was put into the Hells asshole equivalent to a mental facility. The name was Crescent Pines, so if you live in GA don't go there, and I will detail my experience there. I was there for twelve days, and ten of which I saw no natural sunlight. I was given medication that made me see hallucinations, and caused my body to hurt. The staff there can provoke other patients to become violent, so I was on edge all the time. The staff woke everyone up by shining a light into the room at sunrise. I remember in two separate instances of boys punching or kicking holes in the walls, and both of them eventually became my roommates. Some of the faculty there threaten me, and verbally abused me. One day the head nurse called out my name for the routine family checkup, and she said 'oh it's not for you' I remember my family became quite pissed at her. Hell they even nicknamed her nurse ratchet. It wasn't the last encounter with nurse ratchet, but I will save the rest for another time. Anyways after I got out of that hellhole, I went to my pharmacist, and I told him of the of my panic attacks, and the bipolar medication. I told him I wanted to be weened off since it was causing my body to ache all over the place, an causing me to be on edge. He concluded that due to those side affects that I wasn't bipolar. I was relived and horrifies at the same time. I am now a college student, and I haven't experienced a panic attack since I'm taking my medications daily. The reason why I wrote this post is that I wanted to share my experiences, and give people that are going through the the same situation as I did some solace. I also thought this thread was the most apt for telling my story on this forum.

[QUOTE=Gnorm57;49423995]Hey guys, I want to write down my misadventures with a mental hospital that happened three years ago, so it will be quite lengthy It started when I was misdiagnosed as bipolar after I had a panic attack my senior year because, a bullshit senior project and an economics state test were on the same day, and both were pass or flunk out. I was already prescribed anxiety pills, but I neglected to take them due to the low dosage. After the first panic attack was a downward spiral, and the medical and mental institutes poured gas on the spark. The first hospital I only stayed an afternoon in, and that's when I experienced my second panic attack; however, the medical staff perpetuated the stress. Here's what happened, I was given a form to sign, yet something was off. It said that since I had a mental breakdown, I had to be transferred over to a mental institute, naturally I refused to sign the document. After that I remembered was everyone in the room left, and I started to see boot prints on the ground. Then they tied me down when I was saying things during my breakdown. I regained my senses in the second hospital, and it wasn't that bad, but I only saw the doctor once and he diagnosed me as bipolar. I am not bipolar; however, I was taking bipolar medicine. The third panic attack wasn't as bad as the second, but I was put into the Hells asshole equivalent to a mental facility. The name was Crescent Pines, so if you live in GA don't go there, and I will detail my experience there. I was there for twelve days, and ten of which I saw no natural sunlight. I was given medication that made me see hallucinations, and caused my body to hurt. The staff there can provoke other patients to become violent, so I was on edge all the time. The staff woke everyone up by shining a light into the room at sunrise. I remember in two separate instances of boys punching or kicking holes in the walls, and both of them eventually became my roommates. Some of the faculty there threaten me, and verbally abused me. One day the head nurse called out my name for the routine family checkup, and she said 'oh it's not for you' I remember my family became quite pissed at her. Hell they even nicknamed her nurse ratchet. It wasn't the last encounter with nurse ratchet, but I will save the rest for another time. Anyways after I got out of that hellhole, I went to my pharmacist, and I told him of the of my panic attacks, and the bipolar medication. I told him I wanted to be weened off since it was causing my body to ache all over the place, an causing me to be on edge. He concluded that due to those side affects that I wasn't bipolar. I was relived and horrifies at the same time. I am now a college student, and I haven't experienced a panic attack since I'm taking my medications daily. The reason why I wrote this post is that I wanted to share my experiences, and give people that are going through the the same situation as I did some solace. I also thought this thread was the most apt for telling my story on this forum.[/QUOTE] This is why I completely dropped taking medication for my depression, I had a perscriber who overdosed me when I was young, meaning the dosage I was prescribed to take was much too high for my 7 year old body to handle, this caused me to pass out. Another perscriber I had when I was older, like 15, she prescribed me with medicine used to treat patients with schizophrenia, and then medicine used to treat people who have adhd, my mother and me had no idea she wasn't giving me anti depressants, and when we found out what she was giving me, my perscriber was claiming "they also work on people with depression" these medicines made me sick all the time, made me gain over 50 lbs in a short amount of time, and I could not stay awake ever. At age 16/17 I decided to just stop taking medications all together. We "fired" my perscriber. I've been off of any medications for maybe 3-4 years now. I'm doing much better off of them than I was on them.

Hey IJNOMLELDLEDD. I totally don't remember your username but since I'm lying in bed and I've thought about your problem (as I do with most people in this thread), perhaps you could look over your application habits with others and ensure you're not doing something silly that hurts your chances, or perhaps have certain things you can tweak to make yourself look more attractive as a potential employee. I was applying for jobs today and I can say that there's a lot of places to fuck up, and then a lot of places to get real good at. You can always be better, so strive for it and take a gander with a friend or professional.

I don't wanna feel left out, wauterboi, do you ever think about my problems and advice you can offer? :s:

Going to my first new years party tonight with my friends. I'm already panicking, it's my first time doing something like this. It's at moments like these when I get all these thoughts about how much of a failure I am. I'm an 18 year old guy, this stuff should be normal for me. My friends are all used to this and know exactly how they're supposed to act, but I barely know anything about alcohol or partying and I'm too scared to ask and look like a fucking idiot. It's only due to some extremely poor life decisions and some bad luck that I am perpetually scared of social interaction. Of all the people around me, why did I have to be the one to grow up with this? Why am I not good enough?

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49424063]This is why I completely dropped taking medication for my depression, I had a perscriber who overdosed me when I was young, meaning the dosage I was prescribed to take was much too high for my 7 year old body to handle, this caused me to pass out. Another perscriber I had when I was older, like 15, she prescribed me with medicine used to treat patients with schizophrenia, and then medicine used to treat people who have adhd, my mother and me had no idea she wasn't giving me anti depressants, and when we found out what she was giving me, my perscriber was claiming "they also work on people with depression" these medicines made me sick all the time, made me gain over 50 lbs in a short amount of time, and I could not stay awake ever. At age 16/17 I decided to just stop taking medications all together. We "fired" my perscriber. I've been off of any medications for maybe 3-4 years now. I'm doing much better off of them than I was on them.[/QUOTE] To clarify I'm off my bipolar and anti depressant medication, but I'm still on my anxiety meds albeit low.

Y'know what? Fuck my ex. Conniving bitch can take everything else, I don't care. I'm keeping this fucking dog. This dog has been a better friend to me than she ever was. I'll fucking fight her for it!

Happy new year everyone, I had a bottle of cider and now I'm playing a mediocre stealth game. Fucking living it up. You know what's the worst thing? A girl invited me to a new years party she was going to, I just never chased her up on it because I was too fucking nervous or demotivated or thought she was joking or something.

I hope you all have a happy new year even the downsides are on your back. Someday, you will scratch it off like some fucking old dead skin on your hair. A line without beginning, a line without end.

Happy new year and all that bollocks! Of course I slept through the countdown and to be honest, I don't give a shit. Hope you all have a good night! :v:

[QUOTE=Flubbman;49425799]Going to my first new years party tonight with my friends. I'm already panicking, it's my first time doing something like this. It's at moments like these when I get all these thoughts about how much of a failure I am. I'm an 18 year old guy, this stuff should be normal for me. My friends are all used to this and know exactly how they're supposed to act, but I barely know anything about alcohol or partying and I'm too scared to ask and look like a fucking idiot. It's only due to some extremely poor life decisions and some bad luck that I am perpetually scared of social interaction. Of all the people around me, why did I have to be the one to grow up with this? Why am I not good enough?[/QUOTE] It's not a matter of being good or not good enough. This is nothing to judge yourself by- so you're not heavily socialized. Okay. Now work on fixing that, as you are, and it will get easier and easier. You're not a failure for not doing the whole partying 24/7 thing and who says that partying is normal or even the best? Do what feels right for you, and while that may mean partying every now and then it doesn't have to mean loads. And the Internet is a resource for partying and alcohol questions. Don't drink yourself piss stupid and you'll be fine. A number of beers will make things more fun. I mean jeese I'm 20 and staying in, completely alone, while my family goes to a movie and my friends are probably doing something. I'm content with this, but there was a time where I would have worried about being pathetic or sad or the like. Stop those worries and you'll feel much better.

happy new year people! I had a friend over from last night to today who is also sleeping over until tomorrow. celebrated new years eve with her and my family and it could have been a lot better. the night started okay I suppose, it wasn't exactly negative but the mood could have been better, but it was on the positive side of the spectrum at least. the plans for the night was that me and her would go over to our two friends who are in a relationship. I posted about them before, the jealous girlfriend and the stressed boyfriend. me and her were really unsure about going over there since we were pretty certain they'd start fighting and we were upset that we had to pay for food, then help with the food when we were guests. but whatever, we were in on it anyway. we decided to come with an emergency plan to make sure we had a good reason to bail if the night turned sour, and that was that my mother would send me a message that they were leaving house and we had to come back home to take care of our cats. obviously a lie, but rather that than having a terrible new years eve with a fighting couple. the plan was to come over at 8PM, eat, drink, fireworks, then head home to sleep. since it was so late, me and my friend figured we'd get a taste of what my family was making since we were pretty hungry already at 6PM. then the boyfriend calls me and asks if we could come over 2 hours earlier. neither me and her wanted to come that early since that would mean we would be there for hours, so I told him we'd rather come when we originally planned since we wanted to get a taste of the food at my house. he said "yeah sure, okay, see you then, bye". I didn't hear any negativity or any sign of him being annoyed, so I didn't think much of it after we hung up. then suddenly the girlfriend sends a message, "We'd rather be alone tonight. You guys can just stay at your place.". obviously I'm confused so I ask whats up, and to that she replies, telling me that I and my friend felt that it was unnecessary for all 4 of us to help with the food (which it really is, how can 4 people make a small, non-complicated dinner for just 4 in a tiny kitchen effectively together?), that we were coming late since we were eating at my place, and that me and her just sat on our asses all the time expecting everything to be handed to us at a silver plate which is far from true. I reply to her saying that we weren't a big fan of helping out with the food since we were guests at their place, but that we were totally in on it if they wanted help. that we weren't going to eat at my place, but just get a small taste to satisfy the hunger until we came over to them. I asked what she meant about us expecting everything from them and mentioned that we always helped out with cleaning, making food, taking the dishes and so on when asked but that it didn't come automatically when not asked since we don't expect to take care of someone elses house when we're guests. I also said it was important to pull through with plans and that it was really dumb of her to cancel everything 2 hours before we were coming, especially when I had paid for all the food so far (hopefully they pay me back after this). I finished my message telling her that we could come over earlier if that worked out better for them. she replies and replied to literally nothing of what I wrote, so clearly she had little to say in her defense. all she said, "You guys can pick up half of the food tomorrow." I tell her that we didn't want the food since it was meant for new years eve. that if we weren't coming over and didn't eat that food, they would have to pay for it all since I'm not going to take food I'm not going to eat. luckily, if she actually stays true to her word, she said "Alright, we'll pay for the food. But this is the last time we're ever planning anything together ever again. You guys are such assholes for letting us pay for all of the food when my boyfriend has driven you guys around for hundreds of NOK's." I just told her that her boyfriend had told us in the past that he'd gladly drive us around since we're friends (that's true too), that we had even offered to pay him in the past but that he had turned it down. I also told her that me and her had previously paid him, even pushed him to take the money, since we felt he was driving at unreasonable hours just for our sake. we've never had anything against paying him, but he always turned it down since we're friends and that's awesome of him to do. I ended the message telling her that it was dumb that things turned out the way it ended, but that we hoped they had a nice new years eve together at least! several hours passed, and she suddenly sends me a message out of the blue saying she'd cut all contact with us both permanently. this was nearly 4 hours after we had chatted. before this, shortly after the last message to this girlfriend I also sent her boyfriend a message hoping that he'd be more reasonable, but he never replied. I asked him if everything was alright with them. that I felt like I needed to tell him that we meant nothing negative if they had perceived anything we had done or said as negative. never replied though. after the conversation, the night for me at least just kept dropping and dropping in terms of mood. I had been drinking as well so it was even more intense than it usually would be. suddenly I started losing grip with reality and wasn't able to attach myself again due to this feeling of loss of reality I have. then I started having sour thoughts, that I was afraid I was losing my social circle since people were disappearing, that my life was gradually getting more and more fucked. not going to the gym, food has been over eaten, no kilos has dropped the past 2 weeks, sleeping schedule is fucked, and so on. then I was really worried that I was not able to think at all and I felt incredibly empty. I felt like a machine. my friend and my mother noticed this, poked me a few times, asked if everything was alright over and over again. I said yeah since I didn't want to bring anything up in front of everyone. eventually I just felt too much at once and had to go, so I went down to my room and sat down in front of my laptop in my bed, all packed in. I started googling for depersonalization remedies since I was feeling it incredibly intensely at the moment and was panicking over it. then thoughts started popping up that drugs had fucked up my head, that I would never get better again, that I was permanently scarred for life. I now know what people mean by never being able to stop tripping or never landing from a weed high since I've felt this feeling ever since I first smoked weed. of course, I'm not tripping and I'm not high, but the feeling is a lot like being high or barely tripping. my mother came down and asked if I was alright, so I opened up a little since it was just us two. then my friend sends a message asking if everything was alright, and I told her no. I explained a little, asked her to come down then my mom went away. she came down, I started talking and started crying. I told her everything, that I was afraid of going back to where I had been where I was in complete isolation, that my life was going down again, that I was afraid I'd never be able to function in society, that I had been having a lot of suicidal thoughts recently, everything. she told me she couldn't help and that I should go get help, which I understand, but at least she was there for me and kept me company. I noticed she started to get bored so I told her we could attempt to go back up. the night was pretty bad though and I was never really able to lift my mood again. I was really scared I was burdening everyone and ruining their night as well since I was so down, but when I asked my friend she said it had been pretty cool which surprises me. I don't trust her though, I think the night was at best just okay for her. while we had been talking, she had reassured me that she was there for me and that it would take a lot to lose her, but I don't trust that. I don't think I'm as close to her as she claims. no idea if I'm just paranoid or not, but I just can't bring myself to believe that. fuck life, I hate it. people are not reliable, people are not supportive of me, I never get anything back. when I'm feeling down, people get annoyed and I very rarely show it. certain fucks who apparently are my friends are feeling down every other day and I'm always there for them, but when I'm down and I open up about it which has happened maybe 3-4 times the past 3 months, I just get annoyed feedback from those certain few. even when I'm not down or do anything wrong, people get pissed at me. all I've done which is apparently really wrong is hanging out with someones boyfriend, saying I wasn't sure what was up this new years eve and eating fucking dinner. I don't understand how people can get so fucking pissed over these small things. there's so many things which just piles up which is complete horse shit. how can people not use their head? I don't feel like I'm really in the position to say this about myself, but I honestly feel like I'm always there for people, don't lash out at people and rather keep my negative emotions on the inside. how come none of my friends do the same for me? what a nice start for 2016. maybe this'll be the start of something big, like me ending my own life because I realize that life isn't for me

had a mini breakdown over the fact that my parents legitimize my sister's accomplishments, mental health issues, and various other aspects of her life while i am left to collect mental dust because i cannot live up to their expectations of being the "smart" daughter while simultaneously dealing with my own mental health issues that have been afflicting me for a good year now happy new year i guess i'm gonna try and keep going.