Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I find it so incredibly dumb that I'm always burying all negative I feel and use energy to stay stable just to make sure that my friends don't start picking up on signals that I might not like them or that I might be annoyed at them. I do so much for them I feel but get nothing back. if I feel a hint of jealousy, I obviously recognize when it's justified or not, and if it's not justified, I don't say a word. my friends don't think that far and start lashing out as soon as they feel a hint of anything negative without thinking "am I justified in feeling this?" before going out [editline]1st January 2016[/editline] how are people able to live happy lives? 1. you need to wake up in the morning and go to bed each night at specific times. it sounds simple, but this is a thing I'm not able to pull off. everyone I talk to says it's a struggle to get out of bed every morning, how can one live a life where they have to force themselves out of bed every single day? 2. you have to participate in holiday things with the family throughout your life. this is a thing I dread and everyone I talk to says they dread the same but have to do it. how can you be happy when you have to do something several times a year which you don't want to do? 3. you have to work to earn money and those I've talked to dread working every day. how can you live happy like that? 4. people have mood swings, people have bad days, people might get annoyed at you for nothing. how can you live a stable life when those around you are not stable and might get pissed for no reason? this is something I need control over, but I can't I really can't see how you can possibly live happy. sure, I've been happy, but that's really short term. I legitimately don't believe it's possible to be happy in the long term. [editline]1st January 2016[/editline] yeah man, fuck life hard. the only reason I'm not just offing myself right now is because I still see some options, but those are limited. I can pursue my crush who crushes on me, but am I even ready for that? I find it scary to attach myself, I find it scary to trust, I'm scared I'll be more hurt in the long run than the comfort that attachment and trust will give me. [editline]1st January 2016[/editline] I can totally see why people end up addicted to drugs. I don't see how you can get addicted to alcohol since that makes me more sad if I'm sad to begin with, but I can totally see how you get addicted to other drugs. [editline]1st January 2016[/editline] I want to do something drastic, but not too drastic

[QUOTE=Pascall;49430681]had a mini breakdown over the fact that my parents legitimize my sister's accomplishments, mental health issues, and various other aspects of her life while i am left to collect mental dust because i cannot live up to their expectations of being the "smart" daughter while simultaneously dealing with my own mental health issues that have been afflicting me for a good year now happy new year i guess i'm gonna try and keep going.[/QUOTE] Hey, I really feel this. My sister has Crohn's and anxiety+depression stuff. It all gets legitimized and taken care of while my ADHD is still regarded lowly. It really tears me up- they're helping her find a uni that will let her have an anxiety dog, have never complained about the cost of her medication for the crohns (fair enough), helped her find a therapist, continue to praise her initiative and bravery and such for fighting her mental stuff etc. She's always been the perfect student to, and they've always asked me why I'm not more like her. It just feels unjust that when she asked for help, she got it. But when I asked for help and was just so so low in my life, I got verbally mocked and tossed out in the cold. They turned their backs on me when I most needed them- why? I know that her crohns is serious and probably far far more so than my stuff, but why not just a slight acknowledgement of my problems? why lash out so harshly against me and berate me? I'm still fighting most of my internal demons, but now I partially seek success in my mental and academic struggles in large part out of spite. I'm fucking pissed they doubted me and berated me, so now I have treatment I'm trying sooooo ahrd to do well to prove to them that I did need all of this. so keep fighting the good fight, you're not alone.

Not really a resolution or anything, but I've tried to act more positive in 2015 and I'll do my best to continue in 2016. No one likes to be around a sad sack of shit so even if it hasn't changed my outlook I hope it's made me a bit more approachable and fun to be around. I don't want to show emotional weakness to people. I hope I can also be more supportive of people in the coming year. I've tried being more encouraging regardless of my own feelings (huge waves of jealousy etc when people accomplish things, I really fucking hate when my head does this) and fight through them. I hope some difference has been made. 2015 was pretty shit, I dropped out of school for the third time which was a huge low point for me and caused me to seek professional help for a short amount of time since I was spurred on by my family. It didn't last more than a few months though. Lots of figuring out myself, still not done with that. Had more emotional breakdowns than the last five years combined, some form of apparent agoraphobia returned as well on a few occasions. Main goal is to find my own place to live. I can't stand stewing in this apartment with my father anymore, I have to get out. I don't know if living alone will be ultimately better for my mental state or not as it's very likely I'll become more of a hermit but I feel it's pretty fucking pathetic living with a parent at this age. Just have to figure out how to get an apartment, I can't afford private, public has massive waiting lists and student stuff only allows you to live for a few years.

went out for a walk 4am and came to the conclusion that no one really cares about me. I'm confident that if I were to disappear, people wouldn't give a shit. was thinking that this would be my last night alive, but apparently I was wrong since I'm back home now. I feel like I should shut myself in again. people don't give a shit anyway apparently, its not a huge loss. the world isn't reliable enough for me to live happy so I feel like the best option is to isolate myself to create my own little world to live in. stop using social media, stop following the news, get rid of the little social life I have, stop going out and live in a bubble. nothing works. no one cares. my mental state is fucked. there really is no hope for me. why not opt out right now rather than live a life for another 60 years where everything will be the same as now [editline]1st January 2016[/editline] life wasn't made for the kind of person I am

age 18, still no one to go out with on new years eve. excellent pretty much just gonna spend the entire night sobbing in my room. I could do a lot about it but a lot of what would be my pastimes don't really entertain me anymore. feel like i'm just watching my life waste away sometimes, and I have felt like that for the past 5 years of my life. I don't suspect that to change whatsoever, but I can take initiative now. the holidays pretty much just break my heart now.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49431300]life wasn't made for the kind of person I am[/QUOTE] You're absolutely right - life wasn't made for you, just like it wasn't it "made" for me or made for anyone. Life just is. You can't really ascribe a universal purpose to life I would argue that there are two different types of people in the world - there's those that collect all of the expectations that society have for how your life is supposed to live and try their damned hardest to live by it. Everything from how often you're supposed to go out, to how you're supposed to measure your success (salary, type of job, where you live, who you date, whether you're married...) People see a timeline for their life and how things are supposed to play out because we romanticize what life is meant to be with predefined values. Some people are lucky and it actually does play out like that - in which case, that's cool. Some people aren't lucky but hold onto it dearly because they feel like they're supposed to, and they lash out at others who don't conform. Some people are horribly unlucky as not only do they not fit this ideal lifestyle, but they loathe themselves for not fitting it. And then there's people I know, who see this "ideal" and completely reject it. Here's a question: why are you supposed to have a high salary? Why do you have to go out every Friday night and have fun in a large group of people? Why do you have to have a partner, and if you do have a partner, why does it have to be romantic? Why do you have to be agreeable? Why do you have to be religious? Why do you have to do and be anything? People either forget or deny the fact that life isn't about us - we just happen to be a part of it. That means nothing has any intrinsic value. What I've learned to do and what I really think others should learn to do is stop trying to romanticize what life is and look very realistically at what their life is now. I honestly know people who have an idea of what their relationship should be like before they start it, and boy does it fuck everything up when they see things aren't matching up to what they have in mind. People have an idea of what the life after high school is going to be like and get depressed when they find out that it's not this flurry of success. People have an idea of what their first time having sex is going to be like because of what everyone raves about and what everyone warns about. It isn't restricted to these things - it happens with [I]all[/I] of life. Frankly, I'm sick of it, and I think that the mindset that creates these bigger-than-life expectations about life sets themselves up to feel some pain. Value doesn't exist, nor does progress exist. Therefore, you have the ability to create your own definition of success and meter it yourself by your own standards. People should stop defaulting to what the popular definition of success is because it'll hurt them. I was on a really slippery slope downwards into something awful because I kept freaking out about how my life wasn't where it was supposed to be and how I wasn't turning out as people wanted me to be - that all of my values were "ass-backwards" and I, for some reason, had a hard time valuing the company of others over writing a batch file to automate the opening of webcam streams of places around the world in VLC. I had a hard time justifying why my best friend was in Colorado and that the people around me made me feel lonelier than if I was actually alone. And the weird expectation that was placed on me to have a girlfriend by various people made actually having a girlfriend so incredibly difficult because I'd rush to the finish line and get frustrated when I wasn't immediately successful with my relationships. I started to think of ways out, like I was an alien on and off the net - at work, school, and parties - families, friends, and acquaintances. I really honestly felt tranquility in imagining my own death, which I remember imagining as early as the fourth grade. Vivid stuff, really. And that's where I drew the line. I felt horrible for imagining my own suicide, but then I began questioning why it's bad to think of your own suicide. I began questioning why it's bad to express something as important, sincere, and scary as wanting to die. I felt like if I would tell anyone that they would either feel bad for me, or possibly feel alienated for it - I chose to focus on the alienation. I focused on why I felt alienated, and I started to think that the alienation wasn't justified and that I shouldn't be afraid of thinking thoughts that don't align with the norm. It was this weird domino effect where I started with, "I should be allowed to think of my own suicide" and went down the line: "I should be allowed to feel sad", "I should be allowed to want to stay home and program", "I should be allowed to be wrong", "I should be allowed to quit my job", "I should be allowed to not want to date", "I should be allowed to express my atheist beliefs", "I should be allowed to say no", "I should be allowed to try", and most importantly, [B]"I should be allowed to fail"[/B]. That's when everything began to feel like a blank slate. The freedom to fail is the most important thing to me in my life, because if you are free to fail you are free to try again and again and again. My freedom to fail derives from the fact that nothing and no one matters until I give them a purpose in my life. It's okay if I'm not perfect - it's okay if I'm make a mistake. There's always tomorrow, and even if there isn't, death in my mind is an absolute void that prevents me from further misery - aka it doesn't matter. Life is and I am until I'm not and it's fine either way. So I make it matter. My mom's pretty awesome and I've got a great bond with her. I've got great bonds with the rest of my family and cut off people that give me bullshit. I don't have a lot of friends, but since the blank slate I've found it increasingly easier to talk to people and I've got a close circle of friends. Even then, when I'm at school, I've learned to be okay with the fact that I don't really want to talk to anyone there (although I've pushed myself over the years to be functional - if you aren't functional then don't escape that.) My anxiety has pretty much vanished, no joke, and I can say that at the very least I'm stable, but I'm willing to go a little further than that and say I'm happy. I've wanted to explain that in this thread, because I think the freedom to fail is something to consider - do we give ourselves the freedom to fail or are we holding ourselves to the social meter that doesn't matter? Do we obligate ourselves to do things that depress us and obligate not to do things that make us happy to try and fit in? Do we not give ourselves a break because we see it as deviating off of the traditional path of life? Do we romanticize where we should be and impugn ourselves because of reality? I'm not trying to sound uppity or whatever, I'm just trying to described what got me out of my rut because I think some of you guys are cool and all of you guys don't deserve depression. Above all else, you guys don't deserve to impugn yourself for your depression. That shit sucks. Coming to terms with being allowed to be depressed was part of my first step towards not hating myself so much.

Ugh. Depressed. I hope I am not feeling crappy past midnight. I refuse to start 2016 off in a crappy mood.

[QUOTE=Systema;49431542]age 18, still no one to go out with on new years eve. excellent pretty much just gonna spend the entire night sobbing in my room. I could do a lot about it but a lot of what would be my pastimes don't really entertain me anymore. feel like i'm just watching my life waste away sometimes, and I have felt like that for the past 5 years of my life. I don't suspect that to change whatsoever, but I can take initiative now. the holidays pretty much just break my heart now.[/QUOTE] People like to think of the holidays as the day to go out with your significant other, but I think that's sometimes a bit silly and totally unfair to socially enforce. The idea that you have to have a significant other lest you look and feel lonely and sad is a stupid quirk of society that needs to be tossed out. (It's also true that not everyone will default to that when they see you.) This goes back to what I was saying earlier, are you sad because you feel like you're supposed to be with someone else? Or are you said because you are genuinely lonely? And are you required to have anyone to go out with? If you wanna go out, go out, and if you don't, don't. They haven't invented a special kind of police for that yet, so you're off the hook. And even if you stay inside, is there a rule that says you should be with someone in person? The internet's a huge place with probably a lot of people like you. There's streams and chatrooms. You could spend the time playing games. [editline]31st December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=T.F.W.O.;49431577]Ugh. Depressed. I hope I am not feeling crappy past midnight. I refuse to start 2016 off in a crappy mood.[/QUOTE] Start off the new years with Jet-Puffed Marshmallows: [img]http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51IPsFQSzAL._SX425_.jpg[/img] Or be like me and fill a filing cabinet with candy. Because you're [I]craaaaaaaaazy[/I]. [quote]The internet's a huge place with probably a lot of people like you.[/quote] Here's another thing that I want to emphasize - the whole loneliness thing could probably be exasperated by the fact that introverted people probably won't find other introverted people through extroverted situations. Chances are I won't find another person that I relate to very well at a party because I don't go to parties. What I do go to, however, is Facebook, which has allowed me to meet other people like me that use that thing to really get to know people outside of real life. That can lead to real life interactions if it's meant to be, and then awesome friends. It's pretty much how I've gotten to know all of my girlfriends before dating them.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49431601]If you wanna go out, go out, and if you don't, don't. They haven't invented a special kind of police for that yet, so you're off the hook.[/QUOTE] well no shit i'm lonely lol i'm tired of spending nights at home alone with nothing to do and i'm unable to make any friends (yet). "If you wanna go out, go out, and if you don't, don't." I literally said i have "no one to go out with" as in I don't even know anyone. that's utterly useless advice. not even apologizing for my hostility, i'm just ridiculously bitter that i've spent years of my life like this still.

:snip:

[QUOTE=Systema;49431661]well no shit i'm lonely lol i'm tired of spending nights at home alone with nothing to do and i'm unable to make any friends (yet). "If you wanna go out, go out, and if you don't, don't." I literally said i have "no one to go out with" as in I don't even know anyone. that's utterly useless advice. not even apologizing for my hostility, i'm just ridiculously bitter that i've spent years of my life like this still.[/QUOTE] You don't have to apologize for it, but I think re-ordering your post might point out the problem: [QUOTE=Systema;49431661]i have "no one to go out with"[/quote] because [QUOTE=Systema;49431661]I don't even know anyone[/quote] because [QUOTE=Systema;49431661]i'm spending nights at home alone[/quote] You're in a cycle. Gotta figure out a way to break it. I'm interested in why you think you're unable to make friends, and what "yet" is referring to.

I'm perfectly capable of socializing with other people I know at work I just haven't got connected with anyone quite yet so i'm kind of depressed about it. there's nothing to really put on the plate about that, it's just sorta the way things are and getting along with others and having something to do with other people couldn't come sooner. I know for a fact i'll be out there eventually but it's just a goddamned shame that I had to suffer another new year like that

[QUOTE=Systema;49431661]well no shit i'm lonely lol i'm tired of spending nights at home alone with nothing to do and i'm unable to make any friends (yet). "If you wanna go out, go out, and if you don't, don't." I literally said i have "no one to go out with" as in I don't even know anyone. that's utterly useless advice. not even apologizing for my hostility, i'm just ridiculously bitter that i've spent years of my life like this still.[/QUOTE] okay then if bitter is name of your game blunt is mine. Ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. That means its on you to find the happiness you seek. You may need assistance doing this, but you're still going to have to be the one seeking that assistance. Maybe its a general therapist to talk to, a professional to help you find out what has got you mentally twisted up a bit, or maybe its joining a club relevant to your interests in your local area. However, [QUOTE=Systema;49431542]age 18, still no one to go out with on new years eve. excellent pretty much just gonna spend the entire night sobbing in my room. [B]I could do a lot about it but a lot of what would be my pastimes don't really entertain me anymore.[/B] feel like i'm just watching my life waste away sometimes, and I have felt like that for the past 5 years of my life. I don't suspect that to change whatsoever, but I can take initiative now. the holidays pretty much just break my heart now.[/QUOTE] You could do a lot about it but you haven't? Why? And the fact that activities you used to enjoy no longer do anything for you suggests to me you are feeling a bit depressed or do have depression. Do you? Have you sought help for it? [QUOTE=Systema;49431542]age 18, still no one to go out with on new years eve. excellent pretty much just gonna spend the entire night sobbing in my room. I could do a lot about it but a lot of what would be my pastimes don't really entertain me anymore. feel like i'm just watching my life waste away sometimes, and I have felt like that for the past 5 years of my life. [B]I don't suspect that to change whatsoever, but I can take initiative now.[/B] the holidays pretty much just break my heart now.[/QUOTE] so do it? No one else is going to do it for you. You are plenty capable of moulding your life to be better, but you have to take the initiative yourself. Assistance with life is something we all need and things can change. They often feel like they can't, or never will, but that is a result of the unfortunate state of mind you are in now. It sucks in the moment, but it is transient in the end. You've felt like this for five years- its time for a change, you deserve that. But you have to seek it. I don't really understand what your original post meant. You could do a lot about it, but haven't. Yet the later statement says you don't expect things to change but you can take initiative. How do you know they won't change? Your past is in the past, and your future is set by what you do today. What can you do right now to make your future brighter? I agree that you seem to be stuck in a cycle. Even the smallest steps can help break this cycle, so think of something small you can do to help yourself (or find ways to help yourself).

[QUOTE=paindoc;49431725]You could do a lot about it but you haven't? Why? And the fact that activities you used to enjoy no longer do anything for you suggests to me you are feeling a bit depressed or do have depression. Do you? Have you sought help for it?[/QUOTE] I have no idea. I just have enough of a degree of neurosis to get caught up in my own shit to where nothing really seems entertaining. Nothing really does even in my right state of mind, I only really had one game to pass time with and it's felt like ass recently so. I don't even know if it's clinical depression and if it is or not is my least concern because I know the feeling of sadness i've got is just coming from boredom and having not yet acquired a valuable pastime [QUOTE=paindoc;49431725]You could do a lot about it, but haven't.[/QUOTE] kind of talking about forcing yourself away from boredom and [i]making[/i] yourself have something to do. I have plenty of things I can do to get away from that but nothing I really have interest in doing. that was pretty vague on my end

[QUOTE=Systema;49431710]I'm perfectly capable of socializing with other people I know at work I just haven't got connected with anyone quite yet so i'm kind of depressed about it.[/QUOTE] Maybe I misread your previous statement then, because I thought you were trying to say that you've been dealing with this problem for years. But yeah, I don't think there's any harm with asking others what they're up to for the holidays and asking whether or not you can tag along. Worst case scenario is "no" as long as you aren't pushy about it, and perhaps they'll keep it in mind for the next occasion that comes up. I'd also check out places where you'd find the people you'd ideally vibe well with alongside your actual work. New avenues to meet specific people with specific interest with a better chance of making friends since you're out there more often.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49431765]Maybe I misread your previous statement then, because I thought you were trying to say that you've been dealing with this problem for years.[/QUOTE] I mean just not having any friends really. I've only since august had any form of a gateway to knowing anyone outside of my home at all. There's a plaza I can go walk up to about now but I'm ridiculously nervous and I'm not sure if I would find anyone I recognize at work there. maybe, maybe not. but doing it's what counts. also yeah, I could've done some asking around. I just didn't think about it at the time and I completely regret not thinking of that sooner.

[QUOTE=Systema;49431762]kind of talking about forcing yourself away from boredom and [i]making[/i] yourself have something to do. I have plenty of things I can do to get away from that but nothing I really have interest in doing. that was pretty vague on my end[/QUOTE] [url]http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com/episode-67/[/url] Take a listen to this when you get the chance - it's Maddox talking about his self-defeating thoughts. I'll splice up the transcript from Maddox's POV to give you the gist: [quote]And I'll tell you, man. I used to suffer from depression, a lot. I used to be really depressed, especially in my early 20's. I was suicidal. I totally get it. I thought about it. I thought that "I got nothing to live for," you know, "Life sucks". "This is garbage." Everything's terrible. I was a miserable person. And anytime anyone asked me how I was doing, my default response was "Shitty." Right? And I remember the day I realized I was depressed, was when I was at work. I was sitting on a bench outside. And some of my coworkers came up to me and they said, "Hey Maddox, what are you doing this weekend?" And I said, "Oh, I don't know. I don't have any plans." He said, "What do you want to do?" And I thought about it, and my answer was "Nothing". I thought, I don't really wanna do anything. I didn't want to play video games. I didn't want to eat. When you don't want… when you don't want to do anything. Like, liter…it wasn't in a…in a relaxing sense, like, "I just want to go home and unwind." It was in a sense like, "Nothing brings me joy." And video games were my favorite thing, and I didn't even wanna play video games. And then that's when I realized I was depressed, and so out of desperation and depression, I decided to experiment. I actually overcame my depression this way. And I didn't read this anywhere. It was just an experiment I did on my own. I thought I was gonna start lying to people. I thought, "What do I have to lose?" Right? I said "I'm going to start lying to people all the time," And I decided a specific type of lie, right? If they asked me how I was doing, I was gonna tell them the opposite. I decided to tell them the opposite. Uh, people would ask me how I was doing and I said, "Great." Or "Excellent." Uh-huh. And so then I thought about it, well, I thought, "What could I possibly say here to just get them off my back?" And I said, like, the simplest thing ever. I just said, "Well, I thought about it, and I thought, "Well I guess I'm in college, and I'm about halfway towards graduating…" So I said that. And then I…and then I told another person, they said, "Why?" And over the course of two weeks, I kept trying to justify why I was in a good mood, and I said, "Well, I got a family." I said, "I got a roof over my head." I got a good paying job. Uh, I'm relatively healthy. I'm young. I have my life ahead of me. And then I thought…(stammers) I said, "I own hundreds of video games." So over the course of two weeks, I found that my life had shifted, my philos…my mindset had shifted. My perspective had shifted. And that's when I stopped having those self-defeating thoughts. Well, so much. I mean, I still do, especially when I'm writing.[/quote] Maybe part of the reason why you don't have the motivation to do a lot of things is because you're too focused on the shittiness of life and it prevents you from wanting to have anything to do with it. Kind of a "what's the point of drawing" type of thing. I totally get that, and as I mentioned in my previous long-ass post I had to rethink my approach to life by unlearning my obligations to society. Maddox had a different approach that involved basically repaving all of his mental pathways to default to better responses. Maybe you can find something you'd want to try in those ideas. [editline]31st December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Systema;49431784]I mean just not having any friends really. I've only since august had any form of a gateway to knowing anyone outside of my home at all. There's a plaza I can go walk up to about now but I'm ridiculously nervous and I'm not sure if I would find anyone I recognize at work there. maybe, maybe not. but doing it's what counts. also yeah, I could've done some asking around. I just didn't think about it at the time and I completely regret not thinking of that sooner.[/QUOTE] Don't worry about it. Worst case scenario is you gruel a bit through tonight and make it into tomorrow. It's totally coming and a new day to try your hand in society. (And no, I'm not saying that just because it's New Years. I'm saying that because it's a new day. Every day is New Years for all I care.)

I am not a positive person. I find myself naturally being very negative about things, be it watching sports on TV, listening to music, playing games, or thinking about how things are going to work out for me this year. I don't have a positive outlook on my life or future and I don't have a positive image about myself. Most of the time I guess I'm "neutral" but when I hit a down mood for any reason it can last hours, sometimes for so long the only solution I can think of is going to sleep and waking up the next morning in neutral. These kinds of moods can even ruin things I like. I've had things that I think are positive feel far, far worse than they actually are, especially stuff like music. I don't know how to combat this large amount of negativity. It's to the point where I don't even accept positive things from other people, either because I don't believe them or don't thing whatever advice they give will help me. I just don't think it will work. A couple of days ago I got the idea to try to find a cognitive behavioral therapist. I have to tell my parents this because they pay my bills, and can afford it, and would probably have no objections over me doing this. However, my mom is/was a sufferer of depression and she got out of it by a lot of self-help, and I mean that in the literal sense. She did a lot of independent help for herself and got over it. Because of this, she doesn't want me to try to find a CBT. She thinks I can just get over it on my own either just thinking more positively and actually believing I can do things when [I]that is the whole point of my issue in the first place.[/I] She wants me to try to find some self-help books, which I don't think help, and she doesn't believe psychologists help much in the first place. I am very convinced I am not going to help myself at this point, I clearly don't think I can, and it makes me very angry that the only other person in my family who I think could actually understand the shit I'm going through thinks this way. On top of the fact that it's New Years and I'm typing this less than a half hour into 2016 (for me) makes me feel like I'm already not doing things right and that this is going to be just as shit of a year as the last one.

My best friend and me had a very very huge (possibly the last) fight, I'm on my own again, Me and her both said some afwul things. It started with me getting drunk off my ass sll by myself, skype calling her and another friend, I was being annoying and throwing up, I guess I pissed them off because I wasn't aware of how drunk I was being, things escalated, me snd and her both fucked up. I confessed how I reached my whits end, and am considering selling my body out. The problem is I am too pussy to go through with it fully. I'll take the steps but never fully go through with selling myself. I can't move in with this friend. She basically hates me. I knew it would happen but I didn't want to tell myself this because I had hope I had a friend, and It shows you cannot trust a soul. I'm laying on a basement floor right now choking back tears. Please read this: I cannot apply for unemployment because I haven't ever worked before, to be eledgible for unemployment you have to own your own place and have had a job... I can't apply for disability either because my depression dosent technically hinder my daily life. I am stuck and cannot do anything I really need help. I mean right now I'm stuck at rock bottom. Im sure it will pass but Im absolutely shocked that Im on my own once again. If I did it before I can do it again. [editline]1st January 2016[/editline] I have all these internet aquaintences and people on facepunch who show support, and I appreciate immensely, but it hurts because I have no one physically there for me, and it's going to take a lot to get over it. Financially if I weren't in such a hard spot I would be able to get over it faster considering I wouldn't have to rely on my abusive asshole parents. But this just hurts, and its not the first time ive been betrayed by people I thought were my friends. I have to get used to being alone again. The right people will come to me if Im alone. [editline]1st January 2016[/editline] It's nearly 3am. Ive got a pounding headache and I managed to fuck up all ive been setting in plsce for two years, and completely trash it, accidentally. It's going to take awhile to get over it but all I can do from here is pick up the pieces and move on from here. It's a new year, I don't want to start it off depressed.

Right now, all I want is money. I wish I was old enough to donate my eggs, because that only takes about 2-4 months and I'd get $800-$10,000 per egg. I dont care about a genetic child of mine walking around. All I care about is money. Money would solve most of my problems.

Do any of you know how you're supposed to deal with harshness in life. I've heard people say "harden up princess" a few times and I'm wondering if you're supposed to ignore the emotion that makes you want to punch the person in the face and keep working harder or does that actually do damage? Are you suppose to go against you're human instinct and filter out the harshness to get to the substance of the criticism, bottle up the anger and depressed feels until you buy a punching bag or is the person being harsh in the wrong needs to be ignored out right? If you can take it does that guarantee you success or can lessons be learnt without punishment? Are the harsh people just misguided and badly educated? What differentiates a bully from a mentor? Being harsh doesn't make someone wise, but does not reacting make you strong or weak in the eyes of others?

[media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzSykD9MdYY[/media]

there was a post here but it's gone now

Life is unfair.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49434093]Do any of you know how you're supposed to deal with harshness in life. I've heard people say "harden up princess" a few times and I'm wondering if you're supposed to ignore the emotion that makes you want to punch the person in the face and keep working harder or does that actually do damage? Are you suppose to go against you're human instinct and filter out the harshness to get to the substance of the criticism, bottle up the anger and depressed feels until you buy a punching bag or is the person being harsh in the wrong needs to be ignored out right? If you can take it does that guarantee you success or can lessons be learnt without punishment? Are the harsh people just misguided and badly educated? What differentiates a bully from a mentor? Being harsh doesn't make someone wise, but does not reacting make you strong or weak in the eyes of others?[/QUOTE] Its a very weird and very hard balancing game. Which I struggle with myself. People tell me to "toughen up" but I am prone to crying spells and it is physically very hard for me to hold back tears. I CAN do it, it is just very verrry hard. Its some of "Yes you DO have to toughen up and fix yourself" but it is also "Yes the person shouldn't have to coach or nitpick you about it sometimes"

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Speaking of which I am incredibly proud of myself for picking myself up off the basement floor, while hungover. I woke up feeling better, still sick right now but emotionally I feel somewhere between "I don't care what happens anymore" and "Only thing I can do is move on." even though I feel I lost my only friend. There's a small sliver of hope that makes me think "maybe she still cares about me" but at the same time I'm thinking: "And if she doesn't, I can make it on my own, its just going to be more difficult. But I can manage it." My family thinks I'm depressed over nothing and that I'm not trying hard enough to get a job still. At this point, I don't know, if I get in another scrap with my parents I'm most likely going to be kicked out. I've got $300 I can spend on a greyhound ticket out west where it's warmer. Who knows at this point, I'm going to sit here and do nothing because there's nothing I can do.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49434563]Speaking of which I am incredibly proud of myself for picking myself up off the basement floor, while hungover. I woke up feeling better, still sick right now but emotionally I feel somewhere between "I don't care what happens anymore" and "Only thing I can do is move on." even though I feel I lost my only friend. There's a small sliver of hope that makes me think "maybe she still cares about me" but at the same time I'm thinking: "And if she doesn't, I can make it on my own, its just going to be more difficult. But I can manage it." My family thinks I'm depressed over nothing and that I'm not trying hard enough to get a job still. At this point, I don't know, if I get in another scrap with my parents I'm most likely going to be kicked out. I've got $300 I can spend on a greyhound ticket out west where it's warmer. Who knows at this point, I'm going to sit here and do nothing because there's nothing I can do.[/QUOTE] Something I'm interested in is kind of like a Tindr for friends. There's [url=http://www.today.com/money/wiith-app-tinder-finding-new-friends-t21116]Wiith[/url] but I haven't really heard about it. I've generally met everyone through Facebook, work, or school, and the latter two aren't the best outside of looking deeper into the extracurricular activities and hitting the lottery with the types of people you work with.

If I owned a big-ass house I've invite IJNOMED and some others (dunno who exactly lol) to live, with cheap-ass rent Sigh, if only to give meaning to my life to help others :s:

the only person I have left is so easy to tick off I feel. she sent me a message on facebook asking if our common friend was pissed at her as well since she wasn't answering her messages, so we talked a little about that. then she mentioned that the girl who is apparently pissed still had "her brother" but I just read wrong, she wrote the surname of a friend of this girl. so I told her that family and friends are two different needs in my eyes, which she replied "this guy isn't her brother what the fuck", so I write another message saying I read wrong and then she just sends me thumbs up. I wrote another message regarding what I thought about where she had that guy, and she just sends another thumbs up. did I really just piss her off since I misread what she sent? I feel that she's so back and forth. suddenly she's really down, gets really care, suddenly mad, then suddenly she's back again. ugh [editline]1st January 2016[/editline] or maybe that's just how she is since she just mentioned me in a comment on a "tag your friends" kind of picture which was pretty funny, I don't think she's legit mad but ugh, the way she acts makes it easy to believe that she is.